[Rebecca A]

Do you know, I’m feeling just fine. I normally get very anxious and really struggle with being preoccupied with analysing what every little thing means- ever text or lack of etc to try and make sense of it all. This was every relationship I’ve been in. Bit by bit I’ve realised that a lot of the overwhelming emotion I’m feeling has nothing to do with the here and now of the relationship- rather I was re experiencing other parts of my life emotionally from trauma in my past (childhood) and especially around not feeling left or abandoned. I found myself experiencing disproportionate distress that would be prolonged and I would feeling really stuck.
I can’t work out if I’m calmer and more together this time because of how hard I’ve worked on supporting myself through this type of thing and recognising the feelings and emotions don’t all belong in the present situation, or if I’ve lost feeling for him and simply am on the cusp of ending it myself.

[Rebecca A]

Junie have you read my thread? I’m increasingly of the opinion these men aren’t worth our time 🤣

[Rebecca A]

Oh another important thing. I asked if he did this in his marriage- he said yes . I asked how his wife managed and he said not well, it creates conflict. But said it didn’t happen like this- he said he would emotionally check out for a day or two then be back again (physically stayed in the house with her of course) but never like this for a week he said. I asked if he was depressed. He said no and that he’s in a good place (!) I said that can’t be, you’ve shut me out for over a week and talking of being irritable and argumentative and sensitive to everything- that’s symptoms of depression or at least extremely stressed. He thinks he’s been extremely stressed.
He also likes to drink. He said he’s noticed he’s been drinking since we have been apart for the wrong reasons which bothers him.

[Rebecca A]

Ok ladies so I will try and remember the important parts of the conversation, and would welcome your views and thoughts

We spoke face to face for around three hours. He apologised a lot, said he’s ashamed he has treated me so badly, it isn’t like him and he doesn’t understand why he did it.
Said that things had gotten to him more than they should and he’s found himself irritable and snappy and argumentative. He talked about his recent move to a new house and that there is bad feeling between his old landlord and him and bad feeling doesn’t sit well with him, and how he still hasn’t managed to draw a line under that as he still awaits his deposit as there’s quibbles over silly little things like the hoover not being emptied.
Said that when we got back together, we agreed to take things slow, and then we seem to have sped up again and talked about a weekend he spent with me and my children as being overwhelming for him. A little background- it was my youngests birthday, and there was a weekend of various things which meant my older two who live away joined us. My eldest has aspergers, and in all honesty he was badly behaved through most of it (not linked to his condition) which in turn made me pretty stressed and that came out. My boyfriend said as he doesn’t have kids he found it all hard and didn’t get where he fitted in or what his job was, as my son was talking to me badly and he wanted to say something but didn’t feel it his place etc.
He clearly really struggles with being with someone who has kids- it’s a real challenge for him as he’s never even dated anyone with kids before, never mind a full grow family !
I don’t know if this is a deal breaker for me if he can’t settle this for himself. To me, his role is to support me and be kind to my kids. That’s it. I brought them up for two years on my own, and they have a father- with his faults but a father none the less. I don’t expect anything of him other than to build a rapport with them.
He said with the MIA for over a week, that he got himself down a road he couldn’t get back from with me, he was aware the text I sent Saturday was an ending it text and wanted to talk to me. He said to him from the start he felt we had something special and he still believes that.
I discussed that since we’ve been back together we are connected like we were, and that whilst I want us to be together, that’s only if we can get back what we had- I made it clear I don’t want what we currently have.
He said he wants the connection back. He said something else: he said he hasn’t missed me when we are apart like he should and he’s bothered by that, he doesn’t feel emotional like he did (he’s an emotional man) and he doesn’t know why. He says he wants to miss me like he used to. Whilst upsetting to hear this, I have to concur that I haven’t missed him either. So this fact from him doesn’t upset me too much- when it should?
For me, I feel it’s because my head is currently ruling over everything- I don’t see this going further more than I do see it going further. That makes me sad because it was so very special.
I said when I’ve done a bit of what was our silly talk, he didn’t respond and it makes me not bother. He said please don’t give up and not bother.
We have agreed to try. I’d like pointers on how to do this please that might give us a chance of getting us back.

[Rebecca A]

How long has it been since you heard from him ?

[Rebecca A]

Hi ladies

So as I planned I did nothing and went about my life. He messaged yesterday saying his priority is to get his head in the right place. He isn’t meaning to hurt me but knows that’s what’s he’s doing. He said he doesn’t have ‘very good control of things at the moment’
He said he understands if I don’t want to talk to him but wants to talk with me. Anyway long story short, I said I’m curious to hear what he has to say, and maybe I have a few things to say too so we’ve agreed tonight to talk.

My plan. Is to listen. I wonder if he is depressed? He seems to have that flavour right now to me.

One thing I intend to make clear is shutting me out isn’t an option if we have any future. This behaviour he needs to own and agree that when he goes through whatever and it leaves him feeling this, I need to gain an understanding of why he reacts like this and how this won’t happen again

I will also talk with him about the other aspects of our relationship- our closeness we used to have, the things that made us unique that aren’t there now.

I can see this being a discussion that ends things nicely really. But we’ll see

[Rebecca A]

Thanks so much Heidi!

I don’t want to do anything further now at all. I do feel unimportant to him, it’s just words and more words and this last week has been the last straw.

I won’t contact him further. He really doesn’t deserve my time or attention with how his poor behaviour is continuing.

I don’t want to speak with him for the sake of ending it that way. He hasn’t bothered to call me all week so why should I?

He may contact further, who knows. He’s behaved in an utterly disrespectful manner. I’m supposed to be his partner, not some woman he’s seeing every now and then in a casual way. He’s chosen to shut me out, he’s made the choices this week all the way through. His text about this didn’t even contain an apology- like it really wasn’t a big deal.

He really hasn’t aren’t further contact from me at all so I won’t be doing so.

[Rebecca A]

So he responded by saying he forgot about the game – no actual apology- I then said I’m glad you’re feeling up to your game. It feels to me from this week and today sorting us out isn’t a priority to you, so I’ll leave you to what your priorities are

And that’s me done and out of there. Thanks for the help ladies, but he can f@@@ off

[Rebecca A]

So anyway, he’s cancelled tonight because e forgot it’s the final of some game he plays. He’s offered a call or tomorrow- ive put serious? Ten said no I’m not free any other times.

I’m done with this, so I’m just going to go about my business and life

[Rebecca A]

Thanks Heidi.
Today I’m feeling more preoccupied with what’s going on or might happen this evening- which is understandable I know.

Thinking about how it might go and what I want to say. I thought I’d give him space to talk since it’s him who created this latest distance and sustained. I’m hoping he’ll be honest and share what happens when he gets like this. I suspect he’ll minimise it, and I won’t allow that. I’m going to be clear that o have enough stress in my life without a boyfriend who acts like this for over a week then thinks it’s ok to have a quick chat and all is as if it didn’t happen.

I’m going to talk to him about the in love bubble we used to have and all the silliness that went with it, that isn’t there anymore. We have obstacles our way- I have a young son which limits my time out of the house, he has no children. The night he reacted as he did was one of the four nights a month my son is with his dad. That time is precious to me, often being the only social time I have where I can relax without thinking of my boy.

I know this sounds over the top, but I looked at his fb a while back and therefore know he used to tag his ex in things or post pics of them together. Even after they split and they started friends he attended to support her with her running in events, the pictures are there to see. When we were together earlier this year, I saw on his laptop pictures he’s put together- looking like they were for here- a few months before they split. They’d been together a couple of years then, having split and got back together. Whilst knowing that isn’t relevant to me and him, my point is I can’t imagine a time now where he’d do something like that for me, that his feelings are sentimental like that. If that makes sense?

The things that were unique to us, I’ve tried a bit to pop into texts since we’ve been back together. You know, words or things that are just about the world you share with that one person that make no sense to anyone else. When I’ve done so, he just puts a smiley emoji. We used to be excited about seeing each other and date night, and chat about this on text. We’d speak every day. Since we got back together it’s every other day, sometimes longer, and there’s no chat of being excited. Actually we haven’t even used our words of date night etc

[Rebecca A]

Dear Sharon I wonder if I could say what I think you might be feeling, and I offer this as someone who has been there so so so many times before.

I believe the emotion you’re left with after your text exchange is disappointed, of hope crushed again. Your messages are not totally just to see how his health is, they are also hopeful of something- anything- you could interpret as meaningful regarding your relationship you had and any possible rekindling.
That hope in such texts is anxiety provoking, and crushing when it doesn’t come. Like another wave of rejection and confirmation that they haven’t changed there mind. You then make do with crumbs of what you have. Never knowing what’s going on in their life like you did when you were together, not feeling or being important like you were then either, and it all feels so second best.
That’s my offer of what those texts mean in regards to you feeling worse.
Wen you said your dog missed his, you said it from a place of sentiment and emotion, and not getting a response left you disappointed in your hope he might be sentimental too.
That may not make much sense but that’s my view from personal experience that’s similar. Truly the best thing you can do is not contact this man at all. It’s you’re best chance of him initiating that’s for sure. But your focus should be your healing and you need distance and time right now, and shielding from this wound rather that taking a big knife to open it up again like the texts did

[Rebecca A]

Hi. I’m actually really noticing how ok I am. I’m not knotted up, anxious or anything, rather simply holding on to how poor this reaction is and going about my day.
I sent him a text this morning that ask if he is unwell at the moment as I can’t make sense of what’s going on. His response was it hasn’t been his best couple of weeks and he didn’t want to go into it over text, asking if we could meet to talk over the weekend. We have agreed tomorrow evening.
Something I’ve noticed is whilst I’m not hearing from him, I am not overall obsessing or thinking about the situation or him. And I feel more nervous now we have a point o meeting and talking from the view I may end this, depending on what he says. So there’s ending anxiety which I get.
I am also thinking about my future self in a mindful way, thinking about how relationship endings are sad and hurt but my future self deserves the full package, no a man who hides and won’t share like this.

[Rebecca A]

So the latest is after the text I sent saying I’m here if he needs, there was no reply for 48 hours again. He then yesterday sent a text saying irrespective of his lack of contact and content of his texts, he does want to be with me and he’d call later in the evening if I was up for it. I didn’t respond. I really couldn’t be bothered as it just feels like he’s doing his own thing, or getting through whatever he’s getting through, and I just play no part. I also felt a bit patronised if I’m honest with him saying he still wants to be with me. I’m sure he meant it to reassure her found myself thinking odd that you’d think I automatically want to be with you still, like I’m sat here worrying about it when actually I’m not really. I’m really sat here wondering if this has any future at all.
Anyway he didn’t call. I guess I didn’t confirm for him to. I text around the end of the time he said he would, and said I was off to bed, that I think we should take the time to say hi each day as it would mean a lot. He text this morning and said he feel asleep hence not calling and that we’d arrange to talk later. Well it’s now nine at night and I haven’t heard when this talk later will be, so even if he calls now I won’t be entertaining a call.

These updates are just that. I’m not even upset as I pretty much feel resigned to the fact that this sadly isn’t a relationship that has any long term value to it.

[Rebecca A]

Thanks Kanya. In answer to your question, I feel attraction lessening everyday towards him, and a real sense of what I want for my future in regard to connecting with a man, and it isn’t this type of way

[Rebecca A]

Thanks, I appreciate what you’ve said here and can’t disagree.
So the meeting didn’t happen as he had to work. I couldn’t make the other day he suggested and the day after that I’m busy too with something I can’t change.
He acknowledged all that.
We then fall into silence once more. When I say silence I mean utter silence. Not so much as a good morning from either of us.
I feel he should be somewhat in touch, even lightly given it’s his mess up here, so I have left it too.
I did however say I hoped he was ok yesterday early evening. He replied he isn’t in a good place but he will be, and is hoping I can give him time, and he very much wants us to be together.
I’ve said I realise he isn’t, and realise he tends to deal with it on his own when he feels like this but if he wanted to try a different way, I’m here.
That was yesterday evening. Again now we go back to silence.
I don’t know what is going on really, but I do know I’m struggling to keep attraction her to him. We haven’t heard each other’s voice in a week now. Don’t know what to make of it, however importantly here is I’m not falling apart, I’m not anxious and I’m noticing when I’m writing my own story around presumptions and know how to stop. Now that’s a great thing!

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