[Rebecca A]

So interesting you should say what you have Heidi. Today has been more difficult. I’m feeling quite rejected today. He hasn’t contacted, and we agreed to be friends and I’m just feeling pushed away and unimportant.
I’m acknowledging this is part of the break up process, and I couldn’t stay in I feel relieved forever. I think it’s because I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling, and that means I don’t know if he’s grieving the end of us.
I’m still happy that I am not contacting him, not showing him anything further about my feelings or thoughts and I’m self soothing with it all. Not the out of control little girl that usually emerges looking for validation, and even if she’s a bit lurking, he doesn’t know! That feels powerful

[Rebecca A]

Heidi you make a good point. I am a bit concerned about when it might hit me. It hasn’t so far. Maybe it won’t, but it likely will at some point? Knowing myself and knowing the break up process everyone goes through I am a bit worried that I’ll suddenly feel awful, as I haven’t so far.

However, I can only acknowledge that anxiety. I can’t stop or change it – if it comes, it will.

In the meantime today I’ve been fine overall, I don’t spend much time thinking about him or when we were together. Not dwelling etc. I’d say there’s a big part of me that feels free and relieved. I was thinking earlier about how he behaved in all of this. From around May time he’s been utterly inconsistent and unreasonable. I’m actually angry with him for portraying himself a certain way and in reality this is him. All in, all out, all in again, then u turn once more and dipping out my life, to return again to dip out at the f it at sign of difficulty. He spent the first five months showing and saying he’s totally there- then carried on like this and is out at any opportunity.

I’m a strong woman. I hold down a responsible and demanding job, I’ve brought up kids for a decade alone and I continue to sort them and support them. I’m a great friend to have, and have great friends in return. Ive great qualities to offer in a relationship and he simply doesn’t know a good thing when he has it. He’s really so inconsistent it makes me angry.

I’ve heard nothing from him, nor contact him, nor felt like doing so.

I feel In a strong position really and I’m proud not to have been in contact with him. Before I would have been in pieces, all kinds of surfacing trauma feelings spilling over into the break up, but not this time.

[Rebecca A]

Thanks Kenya.

I am lucky with my friends who I can share how things are with.

I think you’re right about the self care. I’m thinking about things for me to keep my mind occupied. Today I’ve bought some fabulous and expensive! Face creams. I find when you’re with a man, you can quickly stop taking so much care and attention to yourself, so I’m getting a manicure and nails gelled this weekend and bought some real treat creams.

I’m thinking about what I’m eating and not over eating at all, but if I fancy it I’ll have it!

I’ve a weekend on my own this coming weekend. I was going with him to his home town, and he said about still going if I wanted and we wouldn’t spend all our time together. I think that would be such a bad idea! I’m not doing it. I haven’t told him I’m not, because at This moment I’m actually not wanting to be in contact with him. If he asks I’ll tell him sweetly that it’s not something I’m doing, and wish him a nice break there.

I’ll write here each night if that’s ok as to how I’m doing.

Thanks for your input as ever, Kenya and Heidi, very appreciated

Today, again, I feel in good shape

[Rebecca A]

Hi- thanks

Just to say he didn’t have an issue with my emotions when we met at all. He didn’t show them himself and yes, that’s because he’s shut down currently.

[Rebecca A]

I will use this as a place to talk things through.

Thanks Heidi, first and foremost.

It would be easy to get carried away down a line of thought of how I was on our last meeting where I got more emotional then I’d had liked, whilst he was detached – although I totally agree he isn’t detached at all, that was his way of dealing last time too and he came back round.
However I am pulling myself into the reality of our past few weeks, actually since we got back together again. It isn’t what I want, it doesn’t fulfil or nourish me, I even found myself envious of others relationships- and we hadn’t even been together a year! That’s not right.

So here’s the weird thing today that happened. I sent him a happy birthday message. He responded warmly. He then messaged later and asked if I’d like to join him and some friends for drinks. I don’t understand that? He is likely just being nice as we’ve agreed to be friends. But so much for agreeing we needed space two days ago. I actually made my excuses, and messaged a friend of his asking he buy him a beer from me. The friend sent a picture of him with it making a funny face.

I can see this going full circle, as it did last time, and ya potentially getting close again. I’m wiser this time though s AS I know he can’t sustain it. I’m in reasonable shape

[Rebecca A]

To add now I have another minute to write some more. He messaged yesterday that he didn’t have anyone who could make use of the gift of the plans I’d made for the weekend ( I said he should take a friend for the plans I’d sorted for his birthday, rather than it go to waste, as it was his gift after all) he said he feels ungrateful ( it was a pricey weekend I had planned for him) I said circumstances had changed, and I felt just awful my timing of initiating our split apologising for ruining his birthday. He said not at all and I hadn’t ruined anything. I said irrespective of this, I was sorry due to the timing, though we both know it’s the right things. I said I’d like to message him on his birthday which is tomorrow. He said I can contact him anytime and of course I can contact him on his birthday. I replied with he can contact me too, however we sure need some space right now. He agreed.
All very pleasant. I am proud of my responses. I feel I’m taking the led. I’m not doing what I did last time we split- or any other time I’ve had a relationship end, which is fall apart and show them that’s what’s happened. Keeping my dignity is so very important to me right now. I don’t need to show him what I’m feeling or thinking, it’s for me to manage and to lean on friends with. I want him to think wow look at her! She is doing life without me!
I hope that makes sense?

[Rebecca A]

Hi Heidi and thanks. I’ve a lot to say, don’t have time to write it all right now but compared to how things usually are for me at the end of relationships- I’m in reasonable shape.
I feel bad as it was his birthday This weekend and I had big plans. We talked about if we should go as friends decided not to.
After we parted we shared some texts, and I’m pretty happy with mine. I said I was sorry for getting emotional but it’s who I am. That I understood from what he said that him back I nc our forvthat week was about trying not for his mood to effect us, and that was the only way he knew how to not end us. He said he’s sad things didn’t go our way, but he wants the needy for me and wants to be friends. I said let’s look at the positives- better to not waste any more of our time as life is too short, and I wish him the best too

[Rebecca A]

I wish I hadn’t that is. He was emotionless and that hurts

[Rebecca A]

Sorry for the gap. Thanks Heidi- but unfortunately at the moment my focus is on the fact we have now split up.
We went out Tuesday and it was really hard. Awkward and like we are strangers. The whole evening was strained.
We ended up talking about it last night on the phone. He feels so distant, so emotionally detached and he lurches from one reason to another- saying it’s because I said Saturday night I was anxious he’d leave again, then saying he’s not in a good place. This sounds like it’s happened before in previous relationships and I can’t help but wonder if he suffers from depression.h goes from being this really happy emotionally connected man to being closed off, not talking, closed And emotionless. He said he usually puts his partner first but with me he isn’t, and he’s angry with himself for this looking back and doesn’t understand why. I got upset and said it’s something I’m not bringing out in him. He said no it isn’t that, and as I move on I’ll see that.
I’m very upset tonight. He’s saying he is going back to concentrating on work- I said that’s his go to. I also asked about his drinking, basically he was aggravated by what I was saying as this isn’t a man who will be told much
Bottom line is our lives don’t knit together well at all. It’s over and I’m feeling very sad indeed. We said we’d remain friends. I kind of wonder if that’s why his ex’s friendship was so important- I got the impression this was the cause of their and his marriages reason for ending. He’s on about feeling annoyed with himself for going from one relationship to another and he needs to stop. He’ll likely be on tinder by the end of the week is my guess and I told him so.
These are just my ramblings. I wish I had gotten upset with him.

[Rebecca A]

Thanks Heidi.

So here are my thoughts on what you’ve discussed:

Yes, it is up to me to deal with the walking on egg shells. I felt it important for him to know that’s how I felt at times with him recently And why, as if I am to make a change in how I manage that, he will notice as I will be more open and different with what I say. Him knowing what will hopefully inform him rather than have potential to cause conflict when it occurs. That was my purpose for telling him, as well as honesty.

I’m not sure what he meant by me holding all the cards in all honesty. I don’t feel I do, but I do feel I have my power back in the relationship in an even way, where before it wasn’t, especially given how I fell apart when he finished it a few months back and how I hounded him, no other way of putting it. I didn’t do that this time, didn’t feel like doing that either, and authentically showed him I will walk away.

I have things to write about our time together this weekend but will have to wait to do that as working this morning.

Let’s just say, It feels to me like I have a guard up as I struggle to believe he won’t opt out again. And who can blame me for that really. I asked him last night how he thinks we are, he said it’s going well and asked what I think. I said I don’t know and got tearful.

I explained that I don’t think I do well with uncertainty of if a man might leave or opt out again like he has twice in a year, he said he can’t garrentee he won’t again (I think from a place of who knows the future rather than anything else) and shared he needed that time to sort his head out with us. That’s two lots of time sorting his head out with us, coupled with several in all ins, in a year. If I’m honest, it all feels too much of a gamble and highly predictable it’ll all happen again soon? So much for work! There that’s what I have to say

Would love your thoughts – in. The meantime I’m going to do a mood board- Ben thinking about it a lot

[Rebecca A]

So something I’m doing is stopping walking on egg shells or over thinking what I may or may not say, and being more direct.

He’s a fragile ego. However if I’m looking to find my forever man, then I need to know sooner rather than later if he up for the job.

When I say direct, it’s more saying what I want to and what’s on my mind. When we spoke on Monday I explained I feel I’m walking on egg shells sometimes and scared to say what I think as he is defensive and I don’t know if it’ll cause conflict, and I know he didn’t do that well. He said he doesn’t want that, he wants me to say what I want to and what I feel. So obviously being mindful of how I say things! That is what I’m doing.
I spoke with a friend of mine about it all. She said to her, I fell apart when we split last time, and it would have looked like I was so dependent on him for my happiness and I was quite beside myself, she was very worried about me, but this time I’ve been totally different. I’ve pulled right back and waited for him to come to me, given nothing of my thoughts or feelings away and shown I was ready to walk to him. She feels this has impacted on how he’s now being because it’s clear I will end things in a very quiet and non dramatic way. He said to me yesterday that I “hold all the cards’ . I can’t help but feel thats due to this desire to look after my past self by looking out for my future self, if that makes sense?

[Rebecca A]

Junie, are you ok with sleeping with him if you are unsure if he’s sleeping with others, or even taking others out and spending time with them.

I honestly would go have a great night, but absolutely insist on going home at the end of it. None of what you’ve written reads to me like a guy who’s stepping up to more than what he’s giving- days between texts and an outing every now and then. Where’s his interest in your life with these long silences? At the beginning of your thread you talked of a lot of communication and you raising it was reducing, and saying this to him. You seem happy now with even less then ever? And now you don’t know even if he’s seeing and sleeping with Others? When you would have confidently known this when you were first together before he pulled way back maybe.
If you’re free and easy about this- I mean really easy about this- then sure you’re right- go with what you feel regarding sleeping or not with him. But if you aren’t, then please don’t. To me, this man hasn’t earned your energy or intimacy with his long absences and lack of attention to your life

[Rebecca A]

Do you know, that should read

[Rebecca A]

Hi Junie. The only thing I would say – and it’s only my view, which I’m pulling on my previous experiences of relationships through the years- he’s not contacting for like, eight days at a time? When the start of your relationship you got into a grove of loads more contact and connection then you have now.

Is he seeing other women you know?

[Rebecca A]

That really resonates with me, and yes I can think of many people in life who this has happened with as I’ve grown in other ways too.

What are your other thoughts you have that you refer to? I’d be really interested- I know I wrote a lot of things in my recent posts 😂

He FaceTimed last night actually- which we hadn’t done in so long. It was really nice. Tomorrow night I’m staying at his through to the Sunday morning. He’s planned the time and will take me out to dinner. He said last night he’s ‘all in’. I just laughed and he said you don’t believe me do you? I said I do believe you, but you’ve said this before- and it’s changed so I’m wary of course. And I am. And that’s just tough as far as I’m concerned for however that sits on him as I’m wary due to his behaviour.
Let’s see if he sustains this… I’m being careful however I am naturally a loving and giving person, and it doesn’t take much to let my guard down and not stay in the here and now and the reality

You are right about the looking back to what we had. I guess what I mean is I need a special, meaningful emotional connection with the man I’m with. I liken it to what we had before, because we had it. It doesn’t have to be the same- it can be different- in fact stronger and more consistent and deeper would be great! But there it definitely has to be

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