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Heidi this makes great sense, and again I thank you. When we first got together we made date to go out, and I then didn’t hear from him till that day. It was three or four days later, and when he text are we still on for tonight I said no, sorry as I hadn’t heard from you I assumed it was off so made other plans. This has reminded me of that time.
We play on line scrabble, and he didn’t play for a couple of days but last night took his turn again. I don’t know what to make of that or him not saying more about our plan to meet tonight, and it’s hard to sit with that uncertainty but I must do that. I need to keep my dignity here now as I let it slip earlier in the break up with my neediness, I see that now. This is irrespective of our come.
I really am listening to your advice about not creating my own story of his experience. I am managing to pull that back when my mind goes off into it.
I take it the advice remains the same- no contact from me to him about this evening . Even though I would naturally text a friend ? Would I not assume this stance currently and shoot a ‘hey. We still on for tonight? Did you manage to look at times or shall I? ‘So I have heard nothing. But have concluded texting makes me hugely anxious. Our face to face was not so anxiety provoking so I really need to not reach out or text, and especially in light of what you guys said about changing the dynamics- I personally don’t feel there is more intention than friendship from him however me texting first each time lately has only led to anxiety and unsettling for me and I have to conclude it will again. So I will resist.
I absolutely agree. It’s hard tonight, but hasn’t been too hard over all this weekend. I honestly don’t think there is anything in his head to pursue. I really think that to him he isn’t in love with me now, his feelings have changed, he cares about me and he’s busy getting over something that has no potential at all. That’s totally how I feel as to where he is at. I know that won’t alter other than to push him further away if I text him, and the only think I have left to do is to let him contact me. I feel so said. Just two months ago I went to him home country and met his parents. They said how happy he was with me, that was a big deal and I’m devastated he’s just walked away so easily.
I have to think of my dignity here. He’ll jump into something to take away the pain I’m pretty sure of that. He doesn’t like being alone. Guess I’m the same.
I went on a date today. Nice guy, didn’t feel it with him though. Nothing to do with my ex, looks and build weren’t for me in the end. Before I went I got tearful and nearly didn’t go. But glad I did. Eased me back into the dating scene if nothing else.
I know you’ll likely say don’t do it right now, but I have to reduce these intense emotions for him somehow and I know this helps.Oh sorry- the other thing Heidi- he didn’t exactly ask me out again. I said on text a few days before about a film we both wanted to see. He brought up which day I could do whilst he walked me to my car. Then we agreed the day. Like I would with a friend …
My intention now is to not text or contact further. We’re due to go out Wednesday evening, it’s saturday now so I’m learning he really needs to message me about it or t won’t happen, that way I can gauge if he is being polite or if he really wants it to happen. The other thing is that he could genuinely be hoping for a friendship- he was friends with his ex before me don’t forget, and he was clear when we met that was important to him to keep. I initiated it toned right down, which he did as he could see it was too much for me. But he’s a history of friends with ex’s so this isn’t new.. although he continued to live with her after they split so it was different I guess, you couldn’t not be friends.
I understand about the mask we wear. I am that with. The outside world. Only people who really know me- close friends and partners, see the vulnerable me. The rest of the world gets confident and strong irrespective of what I truly feel.
You really do make such perfect sense.
When we were together he was a mixture. Often being very direct with no grey area of how he felt about me… actually all of our time that was how it was. But I noticed wen something had gotten to him- we argued or something else at work- he’s withdraw totally. Utter quiet and at most he’d say when he goes quiet he doesn’t know what to say and openly say he hates confrontation.
Today we have shared a couple of light texts. I have initiated- yep I did. I felt the need to lighten it up between us. However I then answered his specific text of frustration about me telling him how he feels by thanking him for saying it, that I respect it and it’s a wake up call for me and I appreciate it. He’s read it and not responded. I’m ok with that as he won’t get into a text conversation about it and we aren’t at a stage of talking about such right now either.What do you think?
Thanks Kanya. That makes a lot of sense. Yes I will practice that, and started yesterday to do this.
To update. Last night I went along and enjoyed very much seeing the friends of his that have been so kind and welcoming. He then popped by as he said he would. We all ate together. He sat next to me, and we surfaced chatted a bit. I left and he left at the same time, walked me to my car. We hugged and agreed to watch a film together this coming week.
I don’t understand any of this. I get absolutely no romantic vibe from him at all, none. No catching him looking at me, nothing, yet he’s suggesting which night would suite for a film next week.
I then text when home it was good to see him, affectionately say I miss you… drive safe tonight (he was working) he text back it was great to see me, I looked fab and chat soon.
I then said I wish I was more like him in that he seems so over me, all romantic feelings just removed and gone with a laughing emoji. He texts back that can I please stop telling him how I think he is feeling as it’s frustrating.
Please can I have thoughts on all of this interactionSo I’ve read again your advice and insight Heidi. The pushing of the button that’s already there… absolutely. I have done work on myself enough to know all the reasons why I react as I do, what being close to someone triggers in me, and my childhood trauma emotions which surface when I am feeling vulnerable in that closeness space. I’m always so confident before that stage. Men easily fall for me, but then the insecure little girl from the past- the one who had a narcissistic father and an abandoning mother who chose a different life and siblings over me appears. It plays over and over in my relationships and this is where my retroactive jealously has its roots. You are I know the whys, I don’t know how to tame it.
Thanks Heidi. I will give what you said some thought and come back to you fully, but my first thought is about this statement:
‘You keep reaching out to him and he just isn’t responding in a way that makes you feel cared for, important to him and valuable in his life….and I know that’s what you want to feel with him. It hurts. Even though he is responding, HOW he is responding is actually more rejecting than if you hadn’t messaged him at all. I know how much it hurts your heart.’
Thank you so much for that! That is absolutely how it is!
I’m going to read that when I feel like reaching out. I more often feel worse, as he isn’t ever going to now give me what I want from him. I don’t want polite, I want raw emotional caring responses like he used to give, but that is gone isn’t it. I need to move to acceptance of that. I feel frustrated when I contact overall. It was good to talk and connect as we did on that day (although I regret the making out and sleeping in the bed with him) but the talking, I felt his emotion and hurt, and that he’s struggling too. I don’t feel any of that over text or get any of that from him. It’s all one way this week with no sharing from him other than he went to dinner with his friend and work is busy. I need to stop contact. This is no good for my heart.
If he misses and values me in his life, then he’ll contact. I’ll get back to you with more later.So we’ve had light texts today. All my initiation and him answering but not asking anything. Me telling him things about how my life if, and nothing of such from him and I am left feeling like I wish I hadn’t messaged.
Overall my communication style has been to initially blow up I guess, then calm and talk sensibly. I likely struggle with communicating in a way that a man doesn’t feel they have done wrong and can’t get things right as this is the sort of thing men have said. That and that I won’t trust them.
Hi and thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. No I don’t think I can do that conversation. I spoke with my male friend who advised me not to. He advised that if I pressure at all- and he thinks to bring it up and say can we talk about it would be perceived at pressure at present- that he’ll back off. He thinks keeping things chit chatty for the now and showing I’m not going to be over the top and demanding of serious conversation and over analysing is currently how to play this.
I am going to see some friends this weekend who are his friends, who he introduced me to when we were together. They’ve been very kind and thoughtful after we split and I want to see them because of this. I mentioned it to him via text yesterday and he said to give him a shout when I know when it’ll be and he might pop by.
I wasn’t expecting that. Not sure what to make of it.Any thoughts?
Omg I am struggling! We had more light contact today but I can’t help but feel he sees me as his friend now. How did we go from what I thought and we thought we had to this? I feel sick
if You believe these things, really believe them, then I would say wen you have a moment alone you know the people you’ve told lies to about me- they aren’t stupid… and see you are as unpleasant as I do. Well done you.
Then don’t even engage in conversation about it, if he tries to say I don’t know what you mean just laugh and say you know you aren’t in school anymore, right and stop all conversations
So I text back mirroring his message. He said In his message that work was really tough this week and that next week looks like they’ll be able to breath again, then asked if I was ok. I wrote that it sounds exhausting! And good they’ll all have breathing space next week. I didn’t say how I was because I would only end up putting something like I’m good thanks, hope you are too and what’s the point really? Although I’m alright and getting on with life, I’m not impressed at all with what happened the other day and his lack of real contact about it. So I felt responding and being light was the way to handle it
Now I guess i again wait to see if he initiates.
Opinions from anyone welcomed
Heidi I never did answer your question in response to he isn’t the man I knew. What I mean is, he would talk about things and care how I felt.
He was emotional and affectionate and connected to me.
If we had a falling out, it would take him a couple of days to being a bit quiet though – maybe a light text or two in that time to acknowledge his quietness and that we’ll meet and discuss etc whilst expressing he’s thinking of me, so quiet isn’t new but that’s generally what I meant when I said he isn’t the man I knew.
