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Yes as ever this makes sense!
I’ve been thinking about why this has sent me into a spin. I think it’s because of a few things:
Firstly, my usual pattern in relationships being anxious preoccupied and struggling with trusting the man I’m with. When I say that, my trust problems are very much about worrying the man I’m with had stronger feelings for an ex, usually the immediate ex, and I worry they wish they were still with them and making do with me in their absence. This is rooted in my childhood. My mother left us. My siblings went to live with her and she never fought for me. I haven’t seen her in many years, most of my life actually. So I have a core belief that my mother can be a mother to other children and not to me because I was too difficult, then the man I’m with sure can love other important people in his life more than me and want to be with them rather than me because I’m too difficult. Men have said that to me by the way- as we part, I’m too difficult to be with.
Secondly I have a core belief that a man feels truly what he says to me. I’ve had men tell me they are in love with me and I find it so hard to believe it’s true. This is interlinked with my mother but also my father, who I was left with. A lying false man who pretended he was an amazing father when really he was awful, psychologically and emotionally abusive and I spent my childhood acting – as did he- as someone I wasn’t, he did the same. I therefore analyse and overthink everything when I’m with a man looking to prove they aren’t the real deal.
Now the problem with this man I’m with is he had a friendship with his ex and it was too much for me. Now don’t get me wrong- it wasn’t an ordinary friendship- they had daily contact and she clearly had feelings for him and showed this when we got together. Pulled back at my requested as he said I was his priority. However any contact was a problem for me. Then to feel after all he felt he did to show me I was his priority, I then still show I don’t trust him.
Secondly to this man is that he then ended it. He left me and cut the relationship and said he isn’t all in any more and isn’t in love with me anymore. This feels immense to me, as my worry is that even if I trust him in areas I’ve struggled with- and I’m trying to do this with all I’m learning about thinking where my insecurities are coming from in the moment, and tending to that within myself, I am unsure how I’ll deal with believing he will be in love with me and stay in love with me without something switching that as quickly as it did this time.
Speaking to a male friend of mine, he said he thinks you don’t fall out of love with someone in a couple of weeks. He feels that my man had a change in how he was feeling towards me due to the lack of trust, and this he then interpreted as falling out of love as the feelings he associated with being in love shifted. He also says it it was gone, then so would the man.
So that hopefully helps make more sense of me! I feel I’m making progress, and that’s really good.
We’ve had some nice texts today, he’s really relaxed in his home land, and sent a lovely picture of him doing something loves today which I wasn’t expecting and really loved.
Ok so am having just a bit of a wobble so thought coming here the best plan!
Last night was the main reason he went to see his family- one of them had a special birthday and party.
Good things that happened: he messaged me and sent me a pic of him ready to go. He messaged me several times whilst there, couple of pics, light hearted chat. Then video called me to show me the entertainment that was there. Then text drunk a bit bit very contained- kept the vain of light chat.
All really good right? Now I’m tired today and I realise this, and not wanting to put a story around things, but am a little bit freaking out that holding me at arms length is it now and I won’t have the closeness we had where he’d be saying he misses me like he would have done before.
I’m not being rationale here give his contact through the night am I. He remains cautious rather than not wanting to pull me close too soon. Please help me stead up here
It’s an interesting thought regarding sharing that article with him. Not sure- one thing I’ve learnt about him is he’s fairly basic when it comes to what’s going on in any sort of deep or psychological way. He’s very much a man who thinks all is well and we are happy until there’s something that shifts that. I don’t mean we haven’t had deep conversations because we have, and when we were together he was always kind and willing to talk but it’s a fine line of things I need to deal with myself I’ve learnt, he can have an awareness of and give his support in wanting to hear how my therapy went etc but doesn’t have an ability to fully drill down on it if he hasn’t experienced it, which he freely puts his hands up to.
He’s with his family in his own country right now. I feel a bit sad about it as we were to have done that trip together, but this isn’t a race, more a well paced exploration of us.
That said, I heard from him last night after a 12 hour journey there, and… this morning too. That’s a new layer and made me smile.
I will read through all my advice and posts and summarise where I was and where I’m at as I think that will be really useful. I am su very grateful for your input x
Oh one more thing when we spoke earlier in the week when we were out. Along with saying he likes how things are going, that he rushed it and shouldn’t have when we met, he also said words to the effect of nothing awful has happened with us that can’t be gotten past or repaired or words to that effect. I thought that was interesting for him to say, and a good thing
That’s such a good read and makes total sense! We were definitely in the crisis stage when we split!
It gives me thought around the other stages and the latter stages too. Like I say, my long relationship was 12 years and I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t have fallen pregnant very quickly, we wouldn’t have stayed together. So I didn’t fall in love with him, so it was different. All other relationships have been 6 months to two years but really remaining in that crisis stage mainly and the first stage- like a roller coaster where I feel the hit of love from them again as we loop through romantic to crisis to romantic to crisis again.
So the update; I realised I was initiating contact via text Tuesday. So yesterday I left it to see if I’d hear from him. I waited all day. Most of the day it didn’t cross my mind, only as the day rolled in to the evening I guess. I held fast though, and eventually late evening around half ten he messaged. Now I know he was busy- work then traveling a long way. So I’m trying to think that coupled with the going slow thing. And keeping in mind your advice that think of the positive here- he’s still on board right?
We shared a couple of texts then and they were nice.So we are now four in the afternoon and I’ve heads nothing again. He’s with his family now who he hasn’t seen for months so I’m remembering that. When we were together I’d either have been with him now or definitely heard from him/gotten a picture. So I plan to leave it again and not contact. Change the dynamic to see if he’ll work a little ? What do you think?
Heidi- oh yes indeed was there abandonment and abuse in my childhood, and it’s absolutely right my struggles are rooted in there. I am thrown into a whirlpool of overwhelment at the end of relationships and rejection by partners when they end relationships with me. I am acutely aware of the feelings and emotions that surface that are utterly disproportionate to the situation, and equally find ending relationships so very hard.
I love that TED talk- was teary at the end of it with her. I’d like very much to work towards what she identifies there. Loving myself, accepting myself, marrying myself as the most important person.So here’s an odd initial response to that. Whilst absolutely knowing that’s the healthiest and best place to get to, the thought of not feeling intoxicated and consumed with love and therefore the other person not being intoxicated and consumed with love of me is a scary one to me. When I think about that and ask why? I come up with the answer of what else is there to love in a relationship? If there isn’t that kind of obsessive and consuming love then what is there? Boring, plod along love? I realise there’s more to it than that and that I haven’t experienced it. Well that’s not true- I experienced it in my longest relationship- the father of my children. It wasn’t exciting or passionate at all. Just comfortable and unfulfilling.
I tend to have roller coaster relationships of awful lows them making up where the highs are amazing and addictive.
I’m scared to not be dependent on someone as I fear too independent means detached and therefore not important or prioritised for the man I am with.
I think things like How can a man love me without that passion? How can I love a man without feeling that for him? I guess the way I define and feel love or measure if I feel loved is very limited in my definition. But right now it scares me. If I don’t experience love as I’ve defined need to I’m order to feel it, then what is there?
Indeed I look to the man I’m with to not leave me or abandon me, and am hyper vigilant for evidence e doesn’t feel the same anymore or he’ll leave me.
Great advice Heidi – yes, appreciate what I have. He is indeed connected still and all that while he is showing hope that we’ll sort this through.
Couple of things I’m thinking. I miss the loving natural feeling we had for the majority of our relationship before. I want that for our future, as without that close connection, I don’t want less than. I don’t want him or any man at arms length from me with a barrier between us that won’t diminish.I don’t want exclusive dating with sex. If it doesn’t move on from that and move to a genuine connection without that barrier then I will have to end it.
So I guess I need advice on how to pull him closer to me again.
He has said he likes where this is heading. He has said he knows we need to talk when he’s back from his trip. He has said he likes that I am concentrating on me, and part of what he thinks went wrong was we stopped doing our own things so much- that I have always sensed is important to him to have that balance. I have struggled with that as I tend to be more consumed with a relationship where he is happy if we are happy, with our time together and apart. I’ve always struggled that this means a man doesn’t love me so much as it dies down as a relationship develops- a man who wants to spend all his time in the early infatuation stage doesn’t stay that way and I know it’s unrealistic to think he would, but I start to feel less loved and thought of then. So that’s time to do the look inside myself at where that’s coming from time isn’t it.
The other thing he said that I must remember is when I relayed if we aren’t heading towards being all in, then there’s no point. He totally agreed that this is where he’s at too. That’s a good thing right?
So how do I pull him closer and get him to trust me with his heart.
I’m thinking that light texts, and not many of them is a good start. There doesn’t seem to be any room for actual talking o the phone between texts… especially as he’s away abroad till late next week pretty much from now. I feel like I want to let him lead a bit on text whilst he’s away. He will be with his family so it feels important he has space for them and wen he’s alone or not busy, for him to have time to think and miss me hopefully.
Other than that, I really don’t know what to do! I am scared he’ll move further away from me, that he’ll think he’s happy without me, but know I can’t control this and know if that happens it will anyway. I know rationally he needs space to process. It just feels he’s setting everything up for compartmentalising – work, his hobbies, his social life, me. I felt very much part of his day before and we talked everyday – face timed- when we didn’t see each other. We actually only dated twice a week so it wasn’t that full on- but we always talked and I knew what was going on in his life and he wanted it that way.
He would say we should plan to move in as he wanted to come home to me etc. I don’t want to be with a man whom I’m only part of his life- I want to be a priority. I felt I was with him before. I am also acutely aware that until last Wednesday we were done, so as ever I’m pushing pushing as I hate the unknown!
The good thing is he knows nothing of any of these thoughts!I feel I’m learning a lot through this.
Any thoughts on how to pull him closer and keep him hopeful would be great, and how to get him to open his heart again to me.
Thanks so much
Thanks ladies. I agree. It is now 11 days till we plan to see each other again due to him going away till Wednesday next week, so I’m going to try and stay in the moment/day and see how his contact is during that time. Then think about the sleeping together thing again just before it’s going to be a possibility once more- does that make sense?
It was good he recognised we will need to talk when he’s back. I’m finding it hard the unknown and the slow, as I don’t know where’s it’s going! However, he’s committed to seeing as am I. I miss our close connection so much and really want that back and hoping we are heading towards that.So. We had a nice evening. It’s funny as the start felt awkward and it took a while to feel less so. Considering how close we were, that’s hard. To be so naturally tactile with someone to it feeling like you can’t touch them or not the same when you do…not natural and without thought I mean. I’m very tactile as was he when we were together so that feels clunky.
It odd that I thought things felt like they weren’t going anywhere at the start of the night. Like he’d say he isn’t feeling it, to around an hour in him saying we need to talk properly when he’s back from a trip he’s on this week till next week. Then he said ‘I like where this is going though’. He said he jumped in too soon and I said well I went along on that ride too. I said I like the go slow, however we need to be heading towards all in or there’s no point and he totally agreed. That was reassuring.
I said he needed time to Trust me again with his heart, which he agreed with too. I have to do the same with him actually but kept that to myself given the me trusting him or actually not was a major contributor to our split. My trust now is around him not quitting on us again, but it wasn’t the tome for me to say about trust issues my side around that.
We went back to mine and watched Netflix and then we were cuddling and it was natural once more.
Then of course we ended up in bed. Very hard as I really wanted sex with him. However whilst heavy making out, we didn’t have intercourse. I said I’m hoping at some point he’ll onve again ask me to be his girlfriend and I hope once again I’ll say yes, but until we reach that stage I won’t have sex.
He’s just left this morning now – very nicely and with a kiss and the plan to meet next Friday.
He incidentally told me he talked about things with two of his friends over the weekend. Said he didn’t talk about the details but said he was saying ‘what do I do guys? Help me!’ These are two friends who are very fond of me incidentally, so I’m on his mind.Thoughts on all this welcomed indeed
I have thought about it, and have decided I am not going to have sex again with him until or unless we reach a stage of saying we are now boyfriend and girlfriend once more.
I think I’m not going to say anything, but my actions will show it and if the petting is heavy I will sweetly say I loved being with you the other night, the one thing that we know is amazing is our sexual connection… I’d like to take our time to connect again in every way- I want to get this right and I’m in no rush- How about we tale our time with everything? We all the time we want, Or something like that.
What do you think?
Hat sounds good to me. We are going out Monday evening, and what I’ve done between my last post and your post is lay the foundation of going slow.
We had some playful texts about things, with me saying I’ve a date Monday with a nice guy and him reciprocating with playfully saying the guy sounds great and I should give him a chance. I said I think so too, and sweetly saying I might let him give me a kiss when he drops me off, emphasising again playfully that we are going slow.
All taken really well.
Two things I’ve learnt and am grateful for from you guys is this: firstly not creating a story around his actions. He isn’t a man who likes texting important stuff, and thinking about when we first got together he said he tries hard not to over text as it can create an expectation and jumping in too quickly. Given this, I had already said he was quiet but actually that was an assumption. I don’t know why he isn’t texting much, but go slow means that and if I’m anxious it’ll go too quick then he likely will feel that and what I take our time he same as me, which means not texting loads. So I need to stop having and expectation around this and let it be what it will be, concentrating on our actual physical time together and how that feels next time.
Secondly, I loved the bit of advice that said when I feel like reaching look inside myself as to what I need from myself at that point. The little girl part – what does she need? Reassurance? Being listened to? Acknowledged? What is it I need to do for MYSELF in that moment.
I thank you so much for that advice.The other thing I’ve been thinking; whilst we are giving this a go, this man still isn’t saying he is in love with me. He loves me, that’s for sure, but if he can’t get back to being in love then this will not work in any case. He has to somehow put his own reaction to that talk on that Monday to bed in his mind and make his peace with it, and be able to have hope for us being in love once more. I need to be careful in monitoring this because no way will I settle for someone who will not be in love with me.
Thanks Heidi
Regarding the slowly thing. I’m unsure at the moment. He’s a little quiet today, so I’m thinking of the not making a story around what I’m feeling, so simply thinking he’s busy with work, which is extremely busy.
I don’t want to have a deep conversation any time soon. Just want to enjoy our interactions and time together in a light way at present.
Problem is, we slept together that night we decided to be exclusively dating and seeing if we can do this. I now want to slow that down too and for that not to happen again yet.
We are seeing each other Monday night so I’m wondering how to manage putting the breaks on that bit and making it just a date ?Heidi what you write about negative stories and looking at what I need in that moment resonates with me so much! I am so appreciative of this advice from you two. I’m really using it.
So the update. We talked, and We are going to exclusively date and give things a go- slowly. He is so hung up on that initial Monday conversation, which I totally accept and validate what he feels about it and the damage it did.
I need to self soothe and trust. I want to do this. He’s a good man, and I’m hopeful things will work but even if they don’t I need and deserve there skills. I want a good solid healthy relationship, and I need to play my part in that and be well to do so.
We’re going slow, and he’s anxious of being back to square one I can see that, but we both want to try thisSo here’s the update. He text this morning to ensure we are still on for this evening. I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he’d fix something on my car, and today he asked if I had the part that he’d do it today too before we go. It’s kind of him so I acknowledged this to him my appreciation.
Thinking about this whole don’t make a story up thing, I’m noticing how negatively I assume everything to do with relationships. He has suggested he gets to me early so he can fix this thing for me and get a drink too. I am mindful practicing not to write a story around anything as you have said. Practice practice, right?
