[Rebecca A]

I totally understand and resonate with what you say about the fear being within me. I guess the situation of him saying he isn’t all in or in love with me anymore feeds that too, but yes indeed, I can only recognise where my fear comes from within me. However through our time together before, I felt so sure he wouldn’t suddenly change his feelings, so feel I am not totally able to be myself now as I fear it will drive him away, but now I think of it, more than that, I feel he might change on a whim and I don’t feel secure in knowing that. Even though I appreciate what you’re saying about that and me looking within to ensure I’m ok no matter what.

I still am struggling to understand your take on him being annoyed at how his ex has behaved by blocking and defriending. He told her that due to how she dismissed that we were back together, he said they must now have no further contact as it has become clear they can’t be true friends.
Do you mean because although he ended his communication with her for good, for her to then block annoyed him as she sort of ceased control back again after he made his view clear? I wonder if he was even more disappointed in how she reacted. Blocking isn’t something I could imagine him doing, and to block has a broken relationship feel rather than ended friendship. Her reaction in my view indicates again more than a friendship, and maybe he saw that too, compounding his disappointment as he was always so adamant it was nothing more than a hold friendship ?

[Rebecca A]

Thanks Heidi

I really think you’re right about me and likely both of us being scared the relationship won’t work, and yes I am really anxious he’ll do what he did last time, rather than think what easy forward, tell me he isn’t in love with me and he isn’t all in again like he said sen we broke up last time.

Do you think a man can feel love, then think he isn’t in love, then believe he is again and it not change again?

Regarding his ex, he sent the text to cut their ties and not have contact as friends, not her. She simply agreed after trying to pursued him otherwise, then blocked him. That’s the bit he’s annoyed about, but I guess – e is someone who doesn’t like bad feeling and I wonder if her trying to seize control like that after he’s ended the friendship has annoyed him as it isn’t all tied up nicely as he’d like?

[Rebecca A]

Hi
So while he continues to consider and alter his just doing what he wants to do all the time, even if it means changing plans last minute mindset, and I can see he’s making changes there at present, I’m struggling with feeling something is missing still since we have gotten back together and I can’t put my finger on it.

He was in our beginning so very full on with his verbalising of his love. Expressive, like we were in our own bubble. We still have moments like that, and I know it’s likely just where it’s settled and we are coming on for a year since we met, although we were separated for 6 weeks or so. I guess I crave the full on. Honeymoon time still?
He’s loving and caring still, just not so present and attentive with it like he was.
I think I’m struggling with anxiety that he’ll do what e did last time- say he isn’t feeling it again. It’s worrying me and I’m looking for signs it won’t happen or signs it will.
I feel a bit like I walk on eggshells at times, he hates confrontation and that means he hates deep talks about anything off with us.
I guess because it went from amazing to nose dive so quickly last time, it worries me why that happened and therefore how it wouldn’t happen again.
He is also intolerant of if I express myself in an insecure way. An example yesterday I made a comment that one of his friends said I was the best gf he’d ever had. He sad what am I supposed to say to that? I laughed it off and he said of course you are, but it was a bit unnatural like he didn’t know what hat to say where as before he’d have said oh yes! Totally!

I asked if he’d heard from him ex since their exchange of texts to cut ties. He said no, that he didn’t want to talk about it as she had blocked him and defriended him on social media, and he was annoyed by that. Why would that annoy him? I can only think because he wanted to keep things civil and she’s reacted so badly, what do you think? He clearly didn’t want o talk further about it.

I said to him this morning please can you try and be a bit more tolerant when I ask something a bit stupid. He very quickly said yes and kissed me

[Rebecca A]

Hi ladies. After some perspectives please.

So things are going well still. We aren’t back to that close place or bubble as I used to call it yet. I spoke to a friend who said you are building something new, so you have to accept it is different and won’t be the same as before- that broke. That makes sense to me. However we talked last night and he said he still is finding himself in single man mindset, and it’s frustrating him. He said he still hasn’t gotten into considering someone else as he’d want to. Saying there are two of us, not just him, yet h is still finding himself thinking I want to do that so I’m doing it.
But of context: he has a sporting Hobby which he’s made about. He plays this every weekend- both days- early in the morning till at least mid afternoon. It often involves a drink too with the men he plays with, and he says that whilst he starts the day thinking I’ll just have one drink as I’m off to my girlfriends later, during the time playing he sport and having a drink he often still think damn it I want to stay here now and have a couple more drinks and catchup with the guys. He seems annoyed at himself for this, as he said this is how he felt when we were together before and something he wanted to change.
I told him whenever he changes our plan, I back away as I think hey he wants to do something other than spend time with me as we planned, and it makes me back off as I feel a second choice. He said he understands this.
I said I’m wanting to talk about the fact he wants to play sport every day of every weekend, and that I want to spend time together- talking about compromising and maybe him not playing one or two days of the weekend a month and us spending that time together instead.
He agreed that is fair and what should be happening. I have children, he doesn’t. I said he can play his sport all weekend when my children aren’t st their dads, but the weekend he has them, I’d like more time together. He surprised me here and said that he doesn’t just want that, he’s building a relationship with them too and wants to spend time with them when they are at home. I liked that.
We both agreed we have a wall up still, which is understandable.
He explained before that he didn’t do things he wanted to do himself for a quiet life with his ex, doing what she wanted, and that he was determined not to do that again. In doing so, with me he says he believes he went the total other way and that’s where this single man mindset came from of not considering me. I said it feels his ex and his ex wife got more consideration then, and he agreed.
He says he wants to be with me, he thinks we have something special, and he needs to shift his focus to us more.
I haven’t said this to him, but what I feel is this: he seems to have to make a lot of conscious effort to consider us a couple and me as someone he should include all the time in his thoughts and plans, and yet paints a picture of this not having been the case with his ex or even his ex wife before his ex. I am left feeling that maybe I’m just not right for him? Should it be that hard?
I am also wondering something: he was married for ten years or more. They split, and he got with his ex within a few weeks. They didn’t live together until after they split at 18months and then got back together again. That then lasted only a few months, before they split for good. That was around 15 months ago, but he continued to live with her as a lodger. For six months they had that arrangement and continued to do things like watch tv together of an evening, go out etc. I can’t help but feel that whilst they didn’t have sex, and there was no commitment, it suited him to do girlfriend things as in time together with no commitment or need to consider her in anything he fancied doing. And then he met me, and I can’t help but wonder if he liked the mindset of causal time with no commitment to his ex and now he knows that we need more consideration and inclusion if we are to work, and he’s finding that hard.
He described with his ex feeling he had to be doing things she wanted and always on the go, and not doing wat he wanted because of this and when they split that weight being lifted. I find it hard as he was married prior to this and must have sustained a relationship of including his partner as they were happy for many years. I can’t help but wonder if he wants to be a way with me that he doesn’t really feel? That said he talks of feeling easier around my children which was a big thing given he has no children, and wanting to shift his mindset more and compromise as he knows he isn’t being reasonable

[Rebecca A]

So it’s been nearly a week since he chopped off the interference with the ex. And it’s going great!

I can feel him coming back to me again for the first time since we hit our wall and split last time and since getting back together. We’ve seen each other twice since he cut her out. First night was warmer than he had been, and a lovely evening. Then Friday night we spent together with my children and him, and it was lovely. Sex had been a bit off since we got back together and Sex was amazing when we were together before- well sex was amazing on Friday night again!

I can feel he is emotionally closer once more- his affection, tentativeness, texts, even the emoji’s he’s using indicate his barrier is coming down and he wants closeness again. It’s a lovely feeling and I’m really enjoying it.

I occasionally think what if it goes wrong and he suddenly opts out again or she’s comes back for friendship after a while, but then I think of your advice of I can’t control that, and I will deal with that should it happens and I will make sure the part of me that reels from that sort of thing- the inner child – I will recognise and nurture.

He is a truthful man so I will know at least if anything alters! That’s to be grateful for!

Plus I am learning to think more of what do I want? Is this what I want? Rather than do I make him happy enough to stay? Slowly slowly but I’m getting there!

[Rebecca A]

Thanks. I think the thing I’m most proud of him for is I can see from what he’s written they were only friends, and what’s Es written is classy without being horrid to her- simply pointing out that it’s become clear to him they can’t have the friendship they had agreed and wishing her the best always. He referred to her as one of his closest friends in the text, saying he was sad and disappointed that she hadn’t been supportive of him in getting back together with me, and it’s made him realise they can’t be friends after all.
I’m really appreciating what he’s done for us here, it suddenly feels a bigger deal to me for him now I’m looking at it as you’ve outlined I should above. Thank you for that. It shows his commitment to us too.

[Rebecca A]

Yes indeed. That does make great sense. I also have an update.

I was again yesterday going to ask if he’d done what he’d said, but in the end I thought what’s the point? He knows how I feel and he’ll either consider us more important or I’ll have to step away really as this is too much for me. Consciously thinking of what I want and can handle, and how this is making me feel, and respecting I can’t control what he wants and does.

So I did nothing. Instead we FaceTimed as normal, and he asked if I was ok. I was quieter and a little more reserved, simply because I guess I was ready to start to potentially edge away.

This morning he screenshot that he’d messaged her saying he felt disappointed in her reaction to saying we were back together and he now realised that they couldn’t have the friendship he thought they could, wishing her well and cutting ties.

She messaged back to say she wanted to talk about it together. He didn’t respond. She then said on reflection she thinks it best too saying she couldn’t deal with this now and wishing him well too after having a couple of digs.
She then unfriended him on social media, then shut down her account. All very over the top for a friend I thought. I think at some point when she calms down she’ll contact him again, and I’ve asked he let me know which I don’t think is unreasonable- I think how she’s reacted and the whole situation.

I feel he put us first. I really needed him to do this, and I thanked him for it. He’s asked that we leave it now and get on with our lives which I totally agree with. I feel for him I really do for all the reasons you relayed, that he hasn’t carried on with another woman but actually doesn’t share my view and doesn’t see why he can’t have a friend in her, however she did herself no favours either and he’s seen that her intentions are more than friends.

I feel the shadow has been removed and he’s removed it.

[Rebecca A]

I agree with what you’re saying, but he still has not text her as he said he would saying he’s disappointed and thinks she’s seeing this as more than a friendship and that he’s wishing her well. All through our last time together we had this- he would see she was acting like more than a friend and acknowledge it, the a while would pass and Ed be right back thinking no she just sees it as a friendship what’s the issue?
It’ll happen again I’m sure. His strong disappointment will change to less so, then he’ll be back bestinfvthe drum of friendship and I’m done with it – it really upsets me and he should respect ex’s stay in the past for most people, especially with how she’s been- I’ve never met her and she doesn’t acknowledge I exist and to me he should be respecting me here and isn’t

[Rebecca A]

Could really do with some opinions with this above ladies 😊

[Rebecca A]

Ok so here’s the update:
Last night we talked a lot. He finds this difficult as generally he’d prefer to just enjoy life and not do deep and meaningful talking that is uncomfortable for him.
I relayed that I have high anxiety and very uncomfortable with not knowing what he plans to do about his ex or friend as he likes to say she is.
He said we are right back where we were when we were together before with this, and I agreed but honestly think most women would not be ok with her boyfriend having texting two or three times a week with an ex and the uncertainty of them meeting up. This isn’t a friend, it’s someone he shared a deep romantic connection with and I feel strongly that most men and women don’t share his we are friends view and therefore all is cool, to the point I am prepared to walk away as this won’t be resolved on my mind until he acknowledges how hurtful this is to me and pushes her to occasional how are you text and happy birthday/Christmas.
If that means I’m with the wrong man, then I have to face that as I have felt so wretched again about this.
Anyway, he acts in a way that shows he thinks I’m unreasonable- irrespective of what his words so. He’s huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes.
I feel disrespected and discounted in how I feel, and he said this is where honesty gets him- it blows up in his face.
Later he said that he had text her he is back with me, and also told her something else going on for him. He said she messaged him back acknowledging the second thing, with no mention of him telling her me and him are back together. He said as far as he’s concerned he feels disappointed in her for this, that this feels more and more that she has a different agenda to him now and he feels naive. I’m so angry that he said this as I don’t think he’s naive, I think he’s selfish and wants it all his way on this and now it’s become obvious that she is wanting and reading more into their contact, he realises he can’t have the friendship as she won’t fall in line with it. He even said he’s annoyed with her as he made it perfectly clear overa year ago he has no feelings for her. I said you can’t control what she feels to you though, and it was bound to come out if she still has feelings.
I don’t like this side to him, that he’s decided something and there for it all needs to go his way and fit nicely: she shouldn’t display her feelings but just show friend feelings nothing more, that I should just smile and be fine with him having a friendship with his ex and they can text and meet.
I am a bit ranting as I am frustrated and feel unconsidered here. I don’t quiz him when he goes out, never lead him to feel controlled or untrusted towards woman – this is the only thing I struggle with in that regard and most peopl would, so I feel he puts me second to his wants here and her feelings too

[Rebecca A]

Today I relayed I was thinking of popping a fb profile picture of us, and since we had said we’d stay away from fb for now when we got back together, was he ok with that or not.
He replied he doesn’t really mind, but wants ya to continue to go slow.
I’m unsure what go slow looks like and when it changes to stepping up. We are sleeping together, his friends and family know we are trying again, and we are seeing each other twice a week.
We have less text, and there’s less looking out for and after from him to me I feel, and generally our connection ain’t what it was or what I’d want really. I don’t feel he’s all in, although I know he’s say he is. He’s likely scared of it crashing and burning again, and his history of full in the flat.
Also he hasn’t made a time to meet and tell his ex we are back together, and I said it feels over the top to meet for such a thing with a friend surely? So he said yes maybe, and that he’d text her instead and see her reply. He said he expects a friend to say that great news and she’s happy for him,and if it isn’t that then he’ll know he was right and she has feelings and he’ll cut contact. He’s also changed in what he originally said and is not saying ideally he’d like a friendship with her with occasional meeting up. When we were together before, he agreed that was affecting us and stopped it,so why isn’t he respecting this still?

[Rebecca A]

I can relate a lot of what you have said yes.

I think he does need to connect with a woman- he’s often said he prefers being in a relationship than being on his own, although it doesn’t and hasn’t stopped him ending relationships. But yes he, like me, looks quickly again, though doesn’t settle for anyone.

I am proud of myself for saying how I feel about his ex in regard to how I feel, and possible outcomes, and he knows how it affects us and me and is clearly saying he will manage this and it won’t be a close friendship which is something I’ve said I would not be ok with.

I am proud I’ve said I trust you to manage this. Let’s see what he does. If he wanted to pursue that as a relationship, there’s no doubt in my mind he’d be doing that not asking me to be with him.

He has also acknowledged that he needs to be more considerate of my responsibilities as part of us working going forward. I have children and he doesn’t and he hasn’t thought before at times of the implication of how this makes things Harding for me regarding time together. I have appreciated this acknowledgment so he’s taking ownership of where we broke.

The condoms. I’m convinced this is a loyal and faithful man. So I choose to let it go as it was before we were back together (yes we were exclusively dating, but not back together as such- he has since this in the last few days been very clear he loves me and sees his future with me) and although he packed them with maybe a who knows intention, it is me he was contacting increasingly, and they are not used but all accounted for, and now at this point we are back together.

I would not expect a man I am committed to and him me to be packing them in this fashion of course. But that wasn’t the circumstance.

All in all things are positive, and I also mentioned the stages of a relationship as discussed by you earlier actually as the opportunity arose. I discussed the honeymoon and crisis stages and he a acknowledged this thoughtfully.

I do have a worry that he is a person who might feel I love her I love her I love her- I don’t- then I love her etc again. I tried to ask about this but think he got hold of the wrong end of the stick and thought I was asking if he’d ever lose feeling again. I will st some point revisit this, but he did have what appeared a good marriage of over a decade, so I believe he is a man who is able to commit fully.

[Rebecca A]

So there is something else too that I need some help with.

He had 6 condoms in his bedside draw for a long time. I only noticed them around half way through our relationship and the amount/ place never changed. However this morning I noticed them gone. They are now in the sip up part of his toiletries bag that he took on his trip to his home country. Again they are all there and none used but I am thinking why would he take them unless he planned to be open to casual sex? When he was messaging me and trying to get us on track and we were exclusively dating at that time. I really welcome your thoughts on these two things from these two posts please. Thanks

[Rebecca A]

Hi ladies

Firstly, I’ve ordered that book! Thank you, and I will write about how I find it.

So the first test for me has presented. We went out last night for the first time since he asked me back to be his partner once more. It was great overall, and he is very clear he’s all in and giving us his full focus in regard to a relationship. He’s told his family and friends we are back together too and said he loves me and let’s give this the best opportunity. We connected well, the warmth was back and that loving feeling we always had when we were together so all great.

Now is the but…

As I said at the beginning, he was married for many years, split up then jumped straight into another relationship with a friend of him and his wife’s of some years. He stayed with her for around 18 months, then split, then got back together a few months after, moved in together then split within a few months. He has always said they shouldn’t have gotten back together and they were better as friends. They split around May last year, but he continued to rent at hers for several months with no intimacy and him being in his own room. He moved out and we met.

When we met, he said the friendship with her was important and he didn’t intend to end it for a relationship as he saw no reason, as they were back to being friends. I’ve always struggled with a mans immediate ex, linking in with my childhood and my mother and father picking different siblings over me as explained in previous post.

During our relationship this was a struggle as he just didn’t get it. He said they were friends and I should trust him. He eventually skimmed the contact right down to not meeting her at all, the odd how are u doing and a catch up coffee if they ever bumped into each other. I should point out that she showed many signs of wanting him back, initially she increased her communication with him when she found out he had a new girlfriend and starting suggesting they run together again (they are both runners, but hadn’t run together since they split from their relationship)

I struggled still despite his reassurance and openness about stepping back the contact with her, and it definitely affect our relationship.

Anyhow, fast forward to last night and he sweetly showed me that I’m back on his top list of contacts call wise, saying he doesn’t know how to view WhatsApp the same way, so I showed him how to see who would be on top of his WhatsApp as most frequent (all playful and sweet) to see whilst I’m his top contacted person, she is his fourth. I just stared at this and looked at him. I said so there’s back to lots of contact there, he said he didn’t want to havevthat conversation tonight, I said ok. But I was surprised. He then said they had struck up contact again, maybe two or three times a week, and met up a couple of times too. That he sees her as a friend, that’s all, however he thinks she might have feelings for him still and that he is going to see her this week and talk to her about this. He said he isn’t flirty etc, that it’s general friend chat like how the running is going etc. He said he has thought about this on our break and he doesn’t want to look back in time and realise he was unfair or unreasonable with insisting on a connection with her to realise he lost me in the process, that I’m his priority and if she has feelings and can’t just do friendship, he’ll cut it. He said that if he loses the friendship it wouldn’t be a great lose, which is different to what he said in our early days where it felt more important than that.

He said she sent a social media pic of a memory of the two of them that had come up on her time line, saying she didn’t want to share it publicly a couple of days back, and he thought at that point maybe there is more than friendship here for her. I think it’s very obvious what she’s doing just hearing that.

He said he’s going to meet her and talk this through, said he’ll let me know when etc I have said I don’t need to know when, I trust you to manage this, I’d like to know how it went though after. So that’s what we’ve agreed.

I’m anger that he’s done this, when he’s stepped away. But I don’t know the circumstances- he could have been reaching out for comfort which I’ve done before. I don’t think it’s actually fair on her if he’s pulled her back in and she is expecting more maybe, but I wasn’t going to point that out to him last night. I did say I’ve been less than charitable to her in the past about her just going away and getting wit the program that her constant contact isn’t welcome in our relationship, so last night I said it must be awful to have feelings for you that aren’t reciprocated if that’s how she’s feeling.

I’ve also said that if she’s saying no I have only friendship feelings (which I don’t see possible with the pic text) then I would like to meet her. He has agreed that isn’t unacceptable

Advice on how I manage this please.

[Rebecca A]

Heidi thank you. I really resonate with what you are saying.

I have had therapy on and off through the years. Last time this year.

Over these days, we have gotten closer, he’s gotten warmer and chatter and today he has asked that we get back together again. He actually did in a beautiful way, which made it even lovelier.

We are keeping it steady, but with that clear commitment to each other once more. I am thrilled and intend to fully embrace this with all I’ve gone through and learnt.

I also fully intend to continue my journey though. I am determined to not allow my past to control my future or my ability to be happy. Yes Heidi, I need to heal the wounds and not just learn to trust!

My first step is to continue to recognise when the betrayed child in me surfaces- what’s triggered it and how do I tend to that part of me. This is my aim right now. I would like to write about this here as your support has helped so much

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