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Another quick update for you to consider when thinking about your views:
He has sent a text apologising. He has said he has been disrespectful and behaving unacceptably, and taking it out on me as the closest person to him and he isn’t doing good. He’s asked if I’m about to meet tomorrow to talk properlyI don’t have a clear answer.
I guess what I think is this: if we got our connection back then yes it’s worth fighting for, if we can recognise and work through together this stuff.
If those things aren’t possible then no.
I’m not great with endings and scare of all my inner child emotions overwhelming me again. I’m practicing hard acknowledging these and letting my adult self take control. I keep thinking what do I want in the future? And using that right now, because it isn’t this. It’s a shame, I know I want rich emotional connection with my life partner. That is what we had for five months before we split. I don’t want lessQuick update: when he sent the maybe it’s best we don’t see each other tonight text it was around seven last night. I simply put are you serious? And he put that he was
I heard nothing more all evening, and here we are nearly midday where I am and nothing more. I don’t intend to message him but wait for him to contact. Do you think that’s the right thing?
Hi
Well I’m not sure is the answer. Something I’m learning about him is he will avoid conflict in relationships if he can, and very little constitutes conflict to him. This a little leaves me feeling like I can’t always say what’s on my mind as he shuts down and struggles to say what he thinks, literally goes silent and stares. He then over reacts to small things by making statements like ‘nothing I do is good enough ‘ which is ridiculous as I don’t criticise him- quite the opposite- since we’ve been back together after his ex issue was dealt with, I’ve been very complimentary and supportive.
Anyhow tonight we’ve had a falling out. He’s been under pressure recently as moved house, and I’ve tried to be very supportive and made no demands. We haven’t seen each other all week due to this- and actually he was coming to see me mid week and I said not to. To finish what he needed to do and we’d catch up this weekend
Anyhow here is the weekend, and we were to spend tonight together and watch a game in the morning. Whilst chatting he insinuated that he hadn’t decided where to watch it yet and I felt he was back in single man mindset again, meeting his needs and no consideration that I’d be with him, or maybe even wanting to watch t with his friends.
Anyhow, I relayed I didn’t feel that was behaving as a couple, and he very nicely said maybe seeing each other tonight isn’t such a good plan. All over text. Anyhow I haven’t replied. I figure if he can pull the plug of our arrangements over a few texts then he isn’t someone I want to be with long termKind of, yes. But not as a bribe as such, but it must be easy for his arrangement of giving you money/you using the credit card/him continuing to financially support you with his amount of money is no big deal if it keeps you from making a scene- basically I am wondering if h continues this arrangement at present to keep you quiet.
Your anxiety is palpable, and understandably so. There is more and more information about your insecurities and him having to manage that part of you, which must have been a struggle for a man having a affair with the nanny of his children with his wife in the same house.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not handing out medals for good jobs here- he cheated on his wife, he’s no catch. But I was wondering if you have thought that all this continuing to pay for you and so on is about not rocking the boat. Sounds like it’s pretty easy for him to meet that with the reward being you doing go crazy on him.
You seem to be falling over yourself to apologise and be forgiven. I’d say he has plenty he needs to seek forgiveness for, including how he’s treating you!
When do you put yourself first here? This man hasn’t earned any of this emotion from you. He hasn’t earned you apologising and promising to do better. He is IGNORING you! Leaving you feeling so wretched, after promising you all sorts!
You deserve better! Go find it!
This is awful reading. Aside from the gamble of getting involved with a married man, there is NO reason why he should not be having any contact with you secretly whilst going through a divorce, if he wants his future with you and that is to be believed.
He is treating you very badly (he has treated his wife badly too btw, cheating on her).
For whatever reason, he does not want contact with or from you, and he does not want to contact you either. Let that sink in. He isn’t just saying my lawyer says it’s best right now and you’ve both agreed. He is actively ignoring you when you have reached out. All this secrecy through your affair- and you’ve managed to keep that away from the wife. There’s no way the excuse of the lawyer saying to keep away now, that a bit of secret texting on the secret app would in any way be the end of the world. He is choosing to have no contact.
Do you think he is continuing the payments to you to attempt to keep things as steady as possible? In case you start to rock the boat if you think he’s stringing you along or he might finish with you? I’m wondering if the lawyer said to keep away and he’s saying he’s following this advice as the reason he’s having no contact- the secret app surely carries less risk than seeing regular payments to a nanny who no longer is working for you ?
It sounds to me that this isn’t a fair situation on you at all. Nobody would be ok with this level of intimacy with a ‘friend ‘ and especially since she gets more attention and time and emotion than you. This ‘we are just friends ‘ I’m this situation is not true. They aren’t ‘just’ friends. They are the very closest of friends where he feels comfortable enough to share all his inner most thoughts to, not even along side of, but instead of with you.
This emotional intimate connection to an ex is not acceptable as far as I’m concerned, and it sure appears that he’s distanced from you too.
Is this what you want? Is it meeting your needs or making you sad and anxious?
Omg. This is situation is shocking. I don’t possibly see how you can trust him again. A couple of weeks ago you guys were together and on vacation with your kids? And I’m a heart beat this other lady appears- from where? I suspect she’s been around for longer than he’s saying. You guys were in a serious relationship until about five minutes ago, now he can’t choose between you – his serious partner till two weeks back, and some woman who’s come from no where?
This man is living in a fantasy world. He can’t possibly think this is ok. People don’t act like this. There is no chance here- how dare he pretend there is. This man is sharing his emotions and intimacy and body with another woman and expect you- and her- to compete and eventually what? He’ll choose? In the meantime it’s all oh poor him, what he’s going through- oh such a dilemma !
Dear lady, drop him like last weeks news please! Tell this man no way is this ok. You had a life together, and people don’t get to try something else out whilst still professing to not be sure what to do and hanging onto the ex. You are the ex. You understand that right? He is saying he’s dating her and it’s serious, and he’s what? In your bed whilst telling you this? It isn’t serious or he wouldn’t be in your bed, and you are the ex he’s openly keeping on the sub bench in case it ends with the current. No no NO!! Please- kick this sorry mans ass out!
Hi- sorry I haven’t responded for a while, I had a busy few weeks with some other stuff.
So we remain together and although we have nice and lovely times, and we aren’t arguing, the ex thing is totally resolved, texts are lovely etc there is just… a disconnect? A barrier between us? I just don’t feel as close to him anymore, I feel he views me and feels differently than he did. Friends say it’s because things calm down after a while- sure I get that. But it feels more than that. Like I don’t feel loved like I did in our past time we were together. He’s not as excited, taken away by it all, and I’m the one who’s romantic and silly and he’s just not really anywhere near what he was. I can’t pit my finger on it, it’s like the five months when we were together before were a dream now… it feels like we are together and it’s fine, but I don’t feel close to him.
He tells me he loves me, and I feel loved, but not in love withed if that makes sense?
He talks of getting closer with me children, and is putting effort into lots of areas – but it just doesn’t feel he’s excited like he was, which mainly means I’m not either.
I asked him the other night in bed if he was in love with me. He said yes I am, and I’m sorry I’ve not given you my focus as I should lately due to other things as I feel unsettled (he’s moving currently and it’s unsettled him as he didn’t want to but had no choice)
I just don’t know, but I guess before he would of said something passionate like of course I’m in love with you! Can’t you feel it!
It almost feels sometimes like he’s going through the motions. He’s been incredibly supportive of the other things I’ve been sorting in my life however which are around my children, and I’ve told him how much I’ve noticed that and appreciated itOh my goodness I totally understand why this is so upsetting for you. Please read my thread as I was in a similar situation- but actually no where near as bad as this. I know for sure I wouldn’t have managed this. The intimate connection is not acceptable and I’d be concerned he isn’t interested in being with you and your child? Even for a guy with no children, he should be wanting some kind of relationship with your child too or some sort.
This guy sounds to me like he’s wanting it all ways. Relationship with you, close friendship with a lady emotionally intimidate with when you aren’t around, and no vested interest in your child that means any sort of emotional commitment there either. Very much compartmentalising and having it all his way.
Now he’s hiding the contacts and lying about them? Either this has created such an issue between you or there’s something to hide. He is being selfish, you can’t be in a relationship and have this type of intimate relationship with a female friend. The vast majority of people would not be ok with this and it is unreasonable of him to think you should be, whilst he gets all the benefits all round. Incredibly selfish.
Does she have a partner?Yes that makes total sense. I think the best way of helping is simply to let it go. He doesn’t want to talk about it, said so and that he found it annoying. He said he would tell me if he hears further, which he doesn’t think he will. He doesn’t want to talk about it so I should respect that? Do you think? We’ve just had the loveliest 24 hours together as it goes.
The thing that strikes me in the opening post is something I’ve been guilty of before too.
An expectation that even though you have broken up, and from what I see haven’t agreed to try again, you are reacting as if you are together or trying again and upset and angry he isn’t doing the same. Just my thought. He doesn’t owe you relationship or girlfriend consideration right now, and won’t do until or if he decides he wants to try and be with you together again.
Hi
I’m not sure what others think, but there isn’t enough information here to conclude anything from a readers perspective
What do you mean you ruined him? Sounds like you were together many years? What awful things have happened in your past together? You don’t sound in love, either of you, you sound codependent from the little you’ve written. He’s unhappy? There’s nothing you can do? Is so in love as you put it now new and what you’ve both decided you are all of a sudden?
