[Coach Spyce]

Hi Samantha,

How are you? I just wanted to check in as I haven’t heard from you since I gave you those esoteric suggestions! Either I’ve sent you down a rabbit hole of spiritual bliss or you are thinking, “This Coach Spyce person is loony!”

But whether you take any of my suggestions at all, I’m still always interested to hear how things are going and if there’s been any new developments. In your relationship life, but also in general!

How are your goals coming along?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

We haven’t heard from you in a bit, and I just wanted to drop a line and see how things were going with you. I know last we checked in there your ex was reaching out to you and you were trying to get clarity on his intentions.

Have you figured anything out? Any updates?

Here for you,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jamie,

How are you? We haven’t heard from you in a bit so just wanted to say hello and see how things are going with your situation.

Hopefully no news is good news?

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey girl,

How are you? I didn’t hear from you for awhile and I thought maybe you’d slipped off. Good to know you’re still here with us!

It definitely sounds like this is going to be a tricky situation to totally disengage from, being that you work together, and actually enjoy each other’s company. So what’s more important that totally cutting off contact in this situation is to work on HOW you are going to handle being around him, and what kind of self improvement work you can do that can help you along the way.

Here’s the thing, I know he likely seems like he has his shit together, but as someone on the outside looking in, I can assure you that he doesn’t. He is just as confused as you are, but also he’s certainly sad, depressed, and feels like his life is going nowhere. He’s actually doing you a huge favor by not saddling you with a relationship with himself, but unfortnately he doesn’y have the communication skills to let you down in a way that doesn’t blame you or the situation somehow.

So pick your excuse! Either it’s you’re too young, you work together, he lives with his mother, he’s broken and not good with love, he has walls up, he’s not good at relationships, etc, etc, etc. There are a lot of reasons why this is not a recipe for a healthy relationship, he is just using the easy one of “no chemistry” because then he doesn’t have to look at himself and come face to face with the facts of where he is in life.
Obviously you have chemistry. Duh! But that’s the simplest way for him to brush it off. And it’s also for you the most hurtful, which is what really makes him a douche. The fact that he will take the easy way out, even if it causes you pain.

Which brings me back to my original point, and that’s that you are dealing with a Grade A Loser. Sure he’s fun to talk to, he’s fun to flirt with, maybe he’s even fun to fuck. But he’s not relationship material, he’s not someone to give your heart to or too much weight to his opinion. He’s certainly not the guy who will love and care for you, and whose eyes you will grow old staring into.

If that’s not what you want right now, and you want to JUST have fun with the old dude from work, then so be it. But if you want to have anything deeper, you need to set your sights for someplace higher than his mother’s basement.

Rootin for you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Helen,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out! Sounds like you have a lot going on with your children and your life. I know that being a single mom in general is not easy, and I’m sure that your boys need some extra help as well. That being said, you definitely need and deserve a man who will be strong and put you first.

Sometimes men think that they have it in them, and it’s fine and dandy when they are talking to you online or over the phone, where they can live in the fantasy of your life and what you can have together. But once you meet and are in person, the reality of that comes crashing down, and they realize that they can’t handle it and are not enough. Just remember that doesn’t mean that you’re too much, but you do want a capable man who is going to add value to your life, not stress.

Of course at this point he would feel bad about himself and not want to admit that he’s not able to be the man that you need, and he also likely doesn’t want to reject you outright. So instead he’s stringing you along and just giving the bare minimum so he doesn’t feel like a heel just straight up ghosting.

It is also suspect that he never talks with you except for during the workdays. Are you certain that he’s single? Typically that’s a sure sign that someone is cheating, if they can only connect with you during the day when they are supposed to be at work.

One other final question, did you sleep together or become intimate when you met up? That is key info as to why he might be acting the way he is.

Looking forward to supporting you on your journey!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

So glad to hear that you are feeling invigorated and that you have a plan and path forward! Feeling sexy in your body and relaxed in your mind is definitely the best way to call back in a partner. You obviously share love with your husband, but it’s definitely natural to feel uncared for when the lack of sexual desire is waning, or has waned.

I’m also wondering if perhaps your husband is feeling down about it too, but just hasn’t expressed it to you. Oftentimes men as they age lose some of the drive simply due to testosterone and/or other hormonal levels, so that’s always something to keep in mind too. There might be some deficiencies within both of you that can be corrected through acupuncture, or other supplemental care. Just a thought!

In the meantime, it’s great to hear that you’re becoming inspired to take better care of yourself, and to be your own best lover. It’s really a worthwhile cause that can do you nothing but good!

Please do keep us in the loop with what you’re discovering. We look forward to continuing to support you on your journey!

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Liza,

Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forum!

Sounds like you’re dealing with a boatload of drama! And here’s the thing…it’s obviously coming from the man that you’re seeing! You can’t blame any of the women that he’s connecting with because it doesn’t sound like he is being clear with any of them, nor is he being clear with you. And who is it that you are in a relationship with? Him or them? It’s his responsibility to be above board with you about whatever is going on.

It’s very difficult to sustain a long distance relationship in general, and especially when someone is not being transparent. I am also unclear what the nature of your relationship is and what kind of level of commitment you’ve discussed and experienced. You said that you are “flirting”. That sounds fun, but not at all serious.

What exactly are you looking to accomplish here?

Let us know!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Girl, that’s awesome! I can’t tell you how much I love a woman who will explore her options and see herself as the prize. Because that’s the truth of it! Men are like buses, another one is coming in 10 minutes, and they are the lucky ones if you decide to give them the time of day. So just remember that!

My question is: why do you need to be in a relationship right now? And what exactly is your “game” that you are trying to be sensible for?

If you’re not madly in love with any of them, why not just hang out casually and enjoy what you are experiencing until there is a pull to go deeper with one of them, or someone else that you might meet in the meantime?

What is the reason to force you, or them into something that isn’t naturally going in that direction?

Curiously,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Wong,

Thanks for sharing more of your story! It does sound like the two of you really did make some committed plans together. Having him pull away right at the moment when things were finally starting to get solidified after looking for properties and talking about children IS really a devastating AND confusing situation.
I’m so sorry that he is reacting this way…

As we’ve been talking about, it is very apparently his fear talking. But whether or not that’s true, Heidi has a good point in that this experience is showing you his true colors. It’s making it clear that he is a person who can and will retreat when he’s uncomfortable with a situation, as opposed to actually looking at his fear and what’s getting in the way of him going for the things that he actually wants.

Something I would recommend would be to just address that, and ask him that point blank. Can you point out to him what we’ve talked about? I would let him know that you’re concerned for him. You know that he’s had this bad experience with a long term relationship, and you understand his desire to pull away for fear of this relationship taking the same turn. Tell him that you want this time to be different, and that you know that it can be. Let him know that you care about him, and you don’t want to see him missing out on this vibrant and incredible connection that the two of you share because of his fear.

I would try that line of conversation and see how he responds.

I understand what Heidi is saying and that’s good advice too. But for now I’d give it one more deep conversation where you acknowledge his fear before giving up and pulling away.

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cyndi,

First off, I’m very sorry for the loss of your marriage. It sounds like things ended somewhat suddenly, and while perhaps there were ongoing issues for awhile, the final break felt abrupt. I can understand if you are reeling from that and feeling like your life has had a sudden and drastic change. So for that, I just want to remind you to be gentle and caring with yourself right now. If you have some good friends that you can spend time with, or others that you can get support from, that would be a good thing to do for yourself. And/or if you have other self care habits that you could take advantage of, now would be a good time to do so.
It’s just so important after a breakup to hold fast to the fact that we are still good people who deserve love.

And also to release the blame. As Heidi said, everybody hurts the people that they love at times, and very rarely is it on purpose. We are human, we mess up, we make the wrong decisions, and many times, it’s nobody’s fault when things end. But of course, when someone is hurt they want to blame someone else, as it makes them feel better to decide that someone else can be held responsible for the anguish they feel. And it also alleviates any responsibility they themselves might feel in the situation as well. So while I also don’t know the specifics of what transpired between you both, I do want you to try and let yourself off the hook a little.

It’s difficult to know whether or not he will forgive you, or whether or not he will be able to return to the love that you had together, but in the meantime, you do have to forgive yourself. It’s not foolish to hold out hope for resolution, but it is toxic to turn yourself into the sole perpetrator here. Try to love yourself through this, and maybe that will help him start to come around eventually too.

We are here for you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Something I’ve learned is that when someone tells you that they are not good enough for you, you really have to believe them. Typically that person either has self esteem, or other issues that will get in the way of them being a good partner. And that’s what you want, isn’t it? A loving and decent partner where it just works?

Saying that you want someone who wants you and doesn’t need you is another cop out for intimacy. It’s him saying that your emotions are wrong somehow, and that you have to do something differently in order for him to be with you. You are too much, which always translates into that he is not enough, or doesn’t feel like he’s enough.

Your relationship sounds very new. Can you tell us more about how things all started? How did you meet? Did you consciously decide to be in a relationship or did it just happen? All of these things play into the health and sustainability of the relationship moving forward, so they are important to examine when determining the best course of action when the going gets tough.

Let us know how things are going so we can help you navigate!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ileana,

I understand that feeling of embarrassment, but I am here to remind you that you did absolutely nothing wrong! People can be very good at putting their best foot forward when they are meeting someone new, and telling you what you want to hear in those first encounters. The fact that you took him at face value doesn’t make you foolish, it makes you a genuine and trusting person, all really great qualities!

Him not communicating clearly is all on him, and has absolutely nothing to do with the fabulousness of who you are. After all, he doesn’t even know you, so there’s no way that he could have seen something in you and ran away.
It sounds like he had a stressful situation come up in his life that he wasn’t able to cope with gracefully and maturely. He could have very easily said just that, and let you know that he was dealing with intense family matters, and wasn’t going o be available to connect for a few weeks, or however long that it was. I’m sure that if he did that, you might have been willing to reconnect with him later on. But the way that he handled this shows a true lack of integrity, maturity, and basic decency for another human.

If he is someone that truly does value clear communication like he said, he might also feel ashamed at this point for how he acted, and unless he’s a strong person who can own up to his mistakes, may find it easier to just disengage than to admit his shortcomings.

Whatever it is, please take to heart that none of this is on you! And these are not the qualities of a person that you want to have close in your life, if at all.

So congratulations! You dodged a bullet! Always so much better to find these things out about people before you get too involved as opposed to months or even years down the line, dontcha think?

You’re doing good, girl! And we are here for you, we’ve all been there!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It sounds like you invested a lot of time, energy, and care into this relationship with this man, and I understand how frustrating it must be that now, at the moment when all of that waiting is going to finally be worth it, he just gives up. How disheartening!

To me it sounds like he’s very afraid, because he was already in a long distance relationship that didn’t work out. It was easier for him to be with you when it was just a fantasy and a “virtual girlfriend” as you said, but now that it’s becoming reality and something more serious, he is likely much more terrified to get his feelings involved. The trip there would take the relationship to a new, more serious level, and so he is trying to end it before going down that painful road again of a long distance relationship.
I can see how that makes sense, can you?

The thing with fear is that you have to acknowledge it in order for it to go away. So if you wanted to give it one last effort before giving up, that’s what I would try.
Tell him that you understand that it’s scary for him to be in another long distance relationship, and to open his heart again to someone else who is far away.
But then the question he will have, and I would have too, is how is it going to be any different with you? Are you willing to move there to be with him? Do you have the ability and/or resources to move your life to a different country?
If the answer is no, then is being in a long distance relationship where you only see the person once every few months what you really want either?
Any relationship such as this has to have a plan for how you will be moving more towards each other, literally. So unless you have that plan, I’m not sure there’s much that you can do to quell his very realistic fears.

Let me know how things go!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

So it sounds like he is not fully invested in being in your country for the long term, and likely is not invested in a serious relationship either. But you really don’t know anything for sure unless you have a conversation about it. Being clear about what you want and then expressing that is always the course of action that I recommend, especially when you’re unsure what the other person feels.

Also since you are not madly in love with him, you really have nothing to lose either way, besides a nice dinner here and there. So I would ask him what he wants, and what he’s available for. Also, if what you want is something more casual with him and you can sleep together (because as you said, sex is fun) and also see other people, tell him that. He may think that you want more than he does, and so is hesitant to do anything for fear that it will give you false hopes about his level of commitment.

I’m also wondering, what is it that you like about him in particular? So far your description of your connection with him sounds very blase’. There doesn’t seem to be anything special, which is why I ask why you want to be in a relationship with him in particular, as opposed to just being in a relationship.

Knowing more about your connection with him will make it easier to determine what the next step should be.

Keep me posted!

[Coach Spyce]

Recovery may take time for sure, but the more you focus on yourself and your needs and wants, the easier it will be. As Heidi said, this experience has made you stronger and more resilient, and these are all things that you can take into your next relationship and learn from.

It was a really wonderful thing that you were able to stand up for yourself and walk away from something that didn’t work for you. That deserves a huge round of applause. We are so proud of you!

It’s too bad that he wasn’t able to stand up to the plate and be the man that you deserve, but it’s much better to know that as soon as possible. And now you can move on.

Please keep us posted as to how you will take care of yourself during this time, and please remember that we have your back and are here for you!

xoxo
Spyce

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