[Coach Spyce]

Girl, that’s awesome! I can’t tell you how much I love a woman who will explore her options and see herself as the prize. Because that’s the truth of it! Men are like buses, another one is coming in 10 minutes, and they are the lucky ones if you decide to give them the time of day. So just remember that!

My question is: why do you need to be in a relationship right now? And what exactly is your “game” that you are trying to be sensible for?

If you’re not madly in love with any of them, why not just hang out casually and enjoy what you are experiencing until there is a pull to go deeper with one of them, or someone else that you might meet in the meantime?

What is the reason to force you, or them into something that isn’t naturally going in that direction?

Curiously,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Wong,

Thanks for sharing more of your story! It does sound like the two of you really did make some committed plans together. Having him pull away right at the moment when things were finally starting to get solidified after looking for properties and talking about children IS really a devastating AND confusing situation.
I’m so sorry that he is reacting this way…

As we’ve been talking about, it is very apparently his fear talking. But whether or not that’s true, Heidi has a good point in that this experience is showing you his true colors. It’s making it clear that he is a person who can and will retreat when he’s uncomfortable with a situation, as opposed to actually looking at his fear and what’s getting in the way of him going for the things that he actually wants.

Something I would recommend would be to just address that, and ask him that point blank. Can you point out to him what we’ve talked about? I would let him know that you’re concerned for him. You know that he’s had this bad experience with a long term relationship, and you understand his desire to pull away for fear of this relationship taking the same turn. Tell him that you want this time to be different, and that you know that it can be. Let him know that you care about him, and you don’t want to see him missing out on this vibrant and incredible connection that the two of you share because of his fear.

I would try that line of conversation and see how he responds.

I understand what Heidi is saying and that’s good advice too. But for now I’d give it one more deep conversation where you acknowledge his fear before giving up and pulling away.

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cyndi,

First off, I’m very sorry for the loss of your marriage. It sounds like things ended somewhat suddenly, and while perhaps there were ongoing issues for awhile, the final break felt abrupt. I can understand if you are reeling from that and feeling like your life has had a sudden and drastic change. So for that, I just want to remind you to be gentle and caring with yourself right now. If you have some good friends that you can spend time with, or others that you can get support from, that would be a good thing to do for yourself. And/or if you have other self care habits that you could take advantage of, now would be a good time to do so.
It’s just so important after a breakup to hold fast to the fact that we are still good people who deserve love.

And also to release the blame. As Heidi said, everybody hurts the people that they love at times, and very rarely is it on purpose. We are human, we mess up, we make the wrong decisions, and many times, it’s nobody’s fault when things end. But of course, when someone is hurt they want to blame someone else, as it makes them feel better to decide that someone else can be held responsible for the anguish they feel. And it also alleviates any responsibility they themselves might feel in the situation as well. So while I also don’t know the specifics of what transpired between you both, I do want you to try and let yourself off the hook a little.

It’s difficult to know whether or not he will forgive you, or whether or not he will be able to return to the love that you had together, but in the meantime, you do have to forgive yourself. It’s not foolish to hold out hope for resolution, but it is toxic to turn yourself into the sole perpetrator here. Try to love yourself through this, and maybe that will help him start to come around eventually too.

We are here for you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Something I’ve learned is that when someone tells you that they are not good enough for you, you really have to believe them. Typically that person either has self esteem, or other issues that will get in the way of them being a good partner. And that’s what you want, isn’t it? A loving and decent partner where it just works?

Saying that you want someone who wants you and doesn’t need you is another cop out for intimacy. It’s him saying that your emotions are wrong somehow, and that you have to do something differently in order for him to be with you. You are too much, which always translates into that he is not enough, or doesn’t feel like he’s enough.

Your relationship sounds very new. Can you tell us more about how things all started? How did you meet? Did you consciously decide to be in a relationship or did it just happen? All of these things play into the health and sustainability of the relationship moving forward, so they are important to examine when determining the best course of action when the going gets tough.

Let us know how things are going so we can help you navigate!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ileana,

I understand that feeling of embarrassment, but I am here to remind you that you did absolutely nothing wrong! People can be very good at putting their best foot forward when they are meeting someone new, and telling you what you want to hear in those first encounters. The fact that you took him at face value doesn’t make you foolish, it makes you a genuine and trusting person, all really great qualities!

Him not communicating clearly is all on him, and has absolutely nothing to do with the fabulousness of who you are. After all, he doesn’t even know you, so there’s no way that he could have seen something in you and ran away.
It sounds like he had a stressful situation come up in his life that he wasn’t able to cope with gracefully and maturely. He could have very easily said just that, and let you know that he was dealing with intense family matters, and wasn’t going o be available to connect for a few weeks, or however long that it was. I’m sure that if he did that, you might have been willing to reconnect with him later on. But the way that he handled this shows a true lack of integrity, maturity, and basic decency for another human.

If he is someone that truly does value clear communication like he said, he might also feel ashamed at this point for how he acted, and unless he’s a strong person who can own up to his mistakes, may find it easier to just disengage than to admit his shortcomings.

Whatever it is, please take to heart that none of this is on you! And these are not the qualities of a person that you want to have close in your life, if at all.

So congratulations! You dodged a bullet! Always so much better to find these things out about people before you get too involved as opposed to months or even years down the line, dontcha think?

You’re doing good, girl! And we are here for you, we’ve all been there!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It sounds like you invested a lot of time, energy, and care into this relationship with this man, and I understand how frustrating it must be that now, at the moment when all of that waiting is going to finally be worth it, he just gives up. How disheartening!

To me it sounds like he’s very afraid, because he was already in a long distance relationship that didn’t work out. It was easier for him to be with you when it was just a fantasy and a “virtual girlfriend” as you said, but now that it’s becoming reality and something more serious, he is likely much more terrified to get his feelings involved. The trip there would take the relationship to a new, more serious level, and so he is trying to end it before going down that painful road again of a long distance relationship.
I can see how that makes sense, can you?

The thing with fear is that you have to acknowledge it in order for it to go away. So if you wanted to give it one last effort before giving up, that’s what I would try.
Tell him that you understand that it’s scary for him to be in another long distance relationship, and to open his heart again to someone else who is far away.
But then the question he will have, and I would have too, is how is it going to be any different with you? Are you willing to move there to be with him? Do you have the ability and/or resources to move your life to a different country?
If the answer is no, then is being in a long distance relationship where you only see the person once every few months what you really want either?
Any relationship such as this has to have a plan for how you will be moving more towards each other, literally. So unless you have that plan, I’m not sure there’s much that you can do to quell his very realistic fears.

Let me know how things go!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

So it sounds like he is not fully invested in being in your country for the long term, and likely is not invested in a serious relationship either. But you really don’t know anything for sure unless you have a conversation about it. Being clear about what you want and then expressing that is always the course of action that I recommend, especially when you’re unsure what the other person feels.

Also since you are not madly in love with him, you really have nothing to lose either way, besides a nice dinner here and there. So I would ask him what he wants, and what he’s available for. Also, if what you want is something more casual with him and you can sleep together (because as you said, sex is fun) and also see other people, tell him that. He may think that you want more than he does, and so is hesitant to do anything for fear that it will give you false hopes about his level of commitment.

I’m also wondering, what is it that you like about him in particular? So far your description of your connection with him sounds very blase’. There doesn’t seem to be anything special, which is why I ask why you want to be in a relationship with him in particular, as opposed to just being in a relationship.

Knowing more about your connection with him will make it easier to determine what the next step should be.

Keep me posted!

[Coach Spyce]

Recovery may take time for sure, but the more you focus on yourself and your needs and wants, the easier it will be. As Heidi said, this experience has made you stronger and more resilient, and these are all things that you can take into your next relationship and learn from.

It was a really wonderful thing that you were able to stand up for yourself and walk away from something that didn’t work for you. That deserves a huge round of applause. We are so proud of you!

It’s too bad that he wasn’t able to stand up to the plate and be the man that you deserve, but it’s much better to know that as soon as possible. And now you can move on.

Please keep us posted as to how you will take care of yourself during this time, and please remember that we have your back and are here for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Samantha,

Welcome to the forum! Can you please share more about your story? The more info we have about what you’re going through, the easier it is for us to help.

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to the forum, and thank you so much for sharing your story! I totally understand what you’re going through. Of course as a wife and mother, you want to feel like you are the love of his life, and the one that he cherishes above all else. He did marry you, after going through heartache, so I’m sure that is very true for him on many levels, even if you don’t always feel it.

There are people that come into our lives as twin flames. Those kinds of relationships are dramatic, passionate, intense, and ultimately often hurt us deeply and break our hearts. These situations teach us a great deal, but they are not sustainable, and they are typically not people that we want to build a life with.

Then there are our soulmates. These are the people that we can spend everyday with and feel at ease, safe, cherished, and loved. Maybe they aren’t as fervent, but they are more sustainable and ever-lasting.

It sounds like that’s the kind of love that you have with your husband, and it does sound like a wonderful and happy love.

The other relationships that he had sound ultimately unhealthy, and while you may feel like those women were the ones that he “truly loved” of the ones that got away, how do you know for sure that he is pining for them? Don’t you think when it comes down to it he’d rather have a healthy and loving marriage with a woman he adores than a broken relationship with someone toxic?

It can be difficult in any long term relationship to keep the passion alive, and even the most exciting connections take work after time. Have you spoken to him about these feelings? Have you expressed your desires to him for something more?

Being open with your emotions is always a good place to start and see if your partner is willing to work on this between you. You can never change someone’s past, and you don’t have to erase his connection to those women in order to have something exciting between the two of you. But you do have to let him know what you’re going through, and give him a chance to respond before giving in to the sadness.

Looking forward to learning more,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rachael,

Hello and welcome to the forum! Thanks for reaching out and telling us more about your story! It sounds like you have a lot going on.

While I wouldn’t say it’s “awful” because you are both not divorced, I would say that I don’t think it’s realistic that this man will open his heart to you when he is just barely closing it from another. You are both in precarious places and it’s a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I am of the mind that it’s important to take time in between relationships to see where things went wrong, and to learn more about yourself so that things can go better next time.

I just don’t know that now is the right time for the two of you, and it sounds like he knows it too. If you really feel that he is “the one”, then you will need to give him time to realize it as well. But it sounds like you’re putting pressure on him that is scaring him and pushing him away.

Might there be a way that you can ease up a little and let him come to you a bit? You might find that when you put the brakes on and relax, he will feel more at ease to open up and enjoy what you can have together.

Let me know how that sounds,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Fung,

So you want a steady boyfriend…but do you want HIM as a steady boyfriend? To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you are that invested in being with him. If that’s the case, that’s more than fine. But being clear about what you want is paramount to taking the correct action.

To me it sounds like he’s not that serious either, and maybe he can tell that you’re not too into him. Also how long does he plan on living there? Is he a permanent resident? If he’s only there for a short amount of time, he may not be interested in building a deep relationship, only to have to end it sooner than later.

In terms of spending $50 each time that you go out, paying for the bill does not necessarily indicate that someone is in love. He could be lonely, away from the familiarities of home, and it’s nice to spend time with someone and have a meal. It’s not really that much to pay.

To me, it sounds like a casual friendship with the possibility of sex. But the whole situation feels lackluster and without passion. I guess I’m wondering what you really want from him? When I can understand that more, I can be more inclined to give you a better idea of how to get that.

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Wong,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story with us and letting us know how things are going with you and your relationship.

You are not alone in that now is an extremely difficult time for people to be in long distance relationships, with travel restrictions and such. Hopefully things will be changing on that front soon, but none of us know exactly when that will be, and so we all just have to hang tight.

But even in general, cross continental love can be challenging. The deepest love is built with time spent, and getting to really know the person in many situations, including the daily ones. When you don’t have that ability, it’s hard to develop deep feeling for someone, because in all fairness, you don’t really know each other.

It sounds like he has residual fear left over from his past long distance relationship, that a situation of this kind isn’t going to work with him. And perhaps he is right in knowing that about himself. But often people do things that they know won’t work for them in the long run because in the short term it feels good. I’m also sure that he genuinely likes and cares for you, and so that certainly played a part in his decision to continue moving forward with you as well.

But if he’s now not feeling like it’s realistic for the two of you, that’s something that you have to consider. You mentioned that you had a plan to visit him at the end of February. What happened with that plan?
I’m also wondering if you have asked him directly what has happened for him since New Year’s eve that changed his mind?
I personally always believe that boldness is the best course of action.

Try asking that and let me know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Samantha, I’m so glad to hear you say that you’d rather not be in a relationship that’s not fully reciprocal! I see you having big breakthroughs and growing in leaps and bounds just in the past few weeks that we’ve started talking and I am here for it!

I have confidence in you that when the time comes, you will make the choices that you need to for your own growth, whatever those choices may be. You are a strong woman, and I hope you know in your heart of hearts, that you can and will find the man who not only appreciates that, but adores you for everything that you are, and fully commits to being your life partner.
Throughout all of this, I want you to keep on holding out that vision for yourself.

Which leads me to my more woo suggestions!
Creative visualization and meditation: Set a timer for 5 minutes. Sit in a quiet place and focus inward. Start to imagine your perfect relationship. See yourself fully in the relationship. Notice what you’re doing, what you’re wearing, and focus on the feeling that you have. When it comes to the man that you’re imagining being with, it’s ok (and maybe better in this scenario) to not see his exact face, but you can if it helps you. For that, you can just let it come to you. The only thing is to make sure that it’s not your current friend’s face (see below on a suggestion for how to do that).
The most important thing in these meditations is to just notice things. Notice what thoughts and feelings come to you while in this state. Do you feel hopeful? Hopeless? Excited? Dejected? Take note of all of this as it will be valuable information moving forward.
The purpose of this exercise is to get you into the mindset that I mentioned. Which is knowing and feeling that everything that you want in a relationship is possible for you, with someone who is choosing that with you and wants it just as much as you do.

Another suggestion that I would have to try before this is a cord-cutting meditation. This is to help you cut the energetic cords that are holding you to this man for the past 4 years, and keeping you bound in the idea that he’s the only one that can give you what you want, even though he’s not willing to. You can find these kinds of things easily on youtube through a basic search. Maybe just try a short one and give it a couple of days. I would recommend doing one of these before attempting the creative visualization I suggested above.

I understand being skeptical and I am as well, but I always feel like it doesn’t hurt to try these things, and who knows? It might help.
Because when it comes down to it, the only thing really keeping you in this situation and unable to move on are your own thoughts and feelings. But the good news is that you are the one who is in control of those, so you are the one that can change them.

Wishing you all the best always,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Fung,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your questions! Sounds like you are a take charge kind of woman who knows what she wants, which is really admirable and a wonderful quality.

From what you’re describing, it could be that he does have someone else as he doesn’t sound too attentive. I mean, you offered the man sex and he didn’t take you up on it! Something is going on…

It could also be that there are cultural differences in terms of the time spent in the apartment. Maybe he truly isn’t comfortable bringing someone over, but that sounds a bit suspect to me as well.

I’m wondering what is your end goal with having sex with him? Is it with the hope that having sex will bring you closer? Because without more clear communication and emotional intimacy, that’s not likely to happen. As a matter of fact, it will probably have the opposite affect and end the relationship.

So my question would be, what exactly do you want with this guy? You mentioned that you have other options and I don’t doubt it. Are you looking for him to be your steady boyfriend? Do you want a non-monogamous lover? Do you want a fling for the time he’s in town? Knowing your end game will make it simpler to determine what the best course of action is in this particular scenario…

Let me know your plans!
xoxo
Spyce

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