[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jimeko,

I have to be honest that this all sounds like a bit boatload of drama and rife with red flags. How long have you been with this guy? If you are still very new, as Heidi said, all of this kind of talk would scare me off as well if I were him.
If he doesn’t know you that well, how is he to know what your intentions are? You say that you don’t like confrontation, yet you created a situation where you confronted people. You do have to look at your own place in this, if not for this guy, but to determine when something may just not be your place.

It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t see this as you looking out for him if that’s what it truly was, but when you come between people who know each other well and you’re the new person, you are in fact, the one creating the drama. And as mentioned, the parties involved are going to be loyal to each other, not to you, the new person coming into the situation.

It sounds like his silence and distance is the answer that’s speaking loud and clear. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a man say those exact words: “You will always know where you stand with me”. In reality, that’s simply not true. When people decide that they’ve had enough or don’t feel something anymore, they will just walk away. In this situation, it sounds like there may have been boundaries crossed, and he may feel entitled to remove himself from the situation with little to no communication.

You sent the text, he didn’t respond. You don’t want that kind of person in your life anyway. You want someone who will assume the best of you, and be willing to move through any miscommunication that gets in the way of your connection. He is not willing to do that, so you have to relinquish yourself to the fact that he’s not the guy for you.

I know it feels bad now, but a sad ending can become a happy beginning!

Hope that helps!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cindy!

So glad that you are reaching out for help with your dating profile! Heidi and I excel in just that very thing, and I’ve taught many classes in online dating. I’m sure that we can help you craft something that not only speaks to who you are, but also calls in the kind of person that you want to attract. Because what you are talking about with getting lots of attention right away is a very common experience, and it’s good to strike when the iron is hot.
Whether you’re in a smaller or larger area, there is still a certain buzz when a new profile comes on as there are many people who have been online for years and it’s exciting when someone new appears. Also, most dating sites create an algorithm to specifically show new profiles. It’s a marketing tool to keep you (and everyone) pulled in!

I know it can seem overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be AND can be fun! So here are a few tips for when you’re just starting out in the world of online dating.

1. You don’t have to respond to everyone! If you match with someone but then aren’t feeling it, you can simply unmatch. You don’t owe anyone anything.

2. Some people say that if you don’t respond to someone right away when you match, or they don’t, to just unmatch as it shows that they are not serious. I don’t particularly agree. If it’s bothering you that someone is sitting there, sure you can unmatch. But if not, there’s no reason to remove someone that you might wind up becoming interested in.

3. Swipe right with abandon! I say swipe first and ask questions later. It’s a numbers game, so if you feel inclined to take a further look at someone’s profile, then just swipe right and you can go look at it later. If after reading the profile and seeing more pics you don’t feel interested, then you can simply delete them or not connect. It’s simple!

I have lots of other tips and things that you should look out for, but I don’t want to overwhelm you so will just start there.

What are your plans for these dates for the weekend? Sounds super exciting!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

Understandable! Sounds like you really like this guy, and that can be nerve wracking. I know that you feel nervous, but try to find little things to do, like Heidi suggested.
Since you already feel pretty confident that he is interested, you don’t really have to do much!

All you literally have to do at this point is to make a point to spend time with him. And to be fair, don’t you want to do that anyway? The nest way to get comfortable with someone is to spend time with him, so do just that. Spend as much time with him as you can. Ad Heidi mentioned, offer him food or drinks. Be extra friendly. Let him know that you’re there if he needs anything.
And then, relax.

Is there a reason beyond you being out of practice with dating that makes you nervous? You say that he seems interested in you, but do you feel like he’s out of your league? Or is there another reason why you get so tongue tied when he’s around?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Alice,

Glad to see the update on your story! It’s always a difficult situation when you are waiting on someone else to make the necessary change in their own life in order to get the closure that you need from them. Sometimes you just have to be proactive and do what needs to be done. And so while it’s not easy, I’m glad that you rook Heidi’s advice to reach out and make the call. Sounds like it was a good decision that will bring you ease eventually.
Also, you have known this man for a long time, and you don’t have to give up caring for him. Life is long and if you have a connection, it’s ok to have that. But you do need to be able to move on with your life and not pin your dreams on a future with him that may not exist. You can love him and let him go at the same time. This way it’s not something that you have to look back on as a sad thing, or as something that “didn’t work out”. What happened with you so far is what has needed to happen. And that’s been healing and beautiful.

He may never change, or he may grow leaps and bounds and still not be right for you. You might grow leaps and bounds and no longer need or want the situation with him. Whatever happens, you had the courage to make a hard choice and take action, and that shows courage and strength, which will be rewarded in some way, I’m sure!

Please do keep us posted 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Yes, it can be frustrating when you think that you’re being brought on to a job for one thing, and then it turns out to be something else. I’m sure you know how poorly things are often managed in work situations. Just because someone is working in a job doesn’t necessarily mean that they are qualified, or the right person for the job. It’s always frustrating when your boss knows less than you. That’s a real drag for sure! Hope things went well with Chad! Even though it sounds like you will be at this job for awhile yet, it will be good to know that there could be something to look forward to. Never too early to set up your next step!

I’m sure that Trav will figure it out. It’s tough to get right out of college in the middle of a pandemic and have to figure everything out right away. I know it seems like awhile, but it has only been a month. But if his brother is getting frustrated with him, that’s another story. He may need to find something for now, even if it’s not his dream job or what he really wants to do. But the job market seems to be coming back pretty solid, so hopefully he will be able to find something to do. Sounds like getting out there and being in the world will be good for him. I’m sure it was hard for him to be rejected by 4 different schools. That might be depressing him more than anything. And it might be making him nervous to apply for work. Rejection is no fun, and so perhaps he’s scared of that happening professionally as well.

I’m sorry to hear that your parents had such tough lives growing up. I think also back in the day, so much of that abuse and neglect was more commonplace than it is nowadays. Children did not have a voice, and no one really had a voice for them either. Unfortunately your parents, specifically your mom, never got to heal from any of those tough childhood experiences, and it made her a hardened person, who didn’t know how to be a loving mother to her own children. That’s really sad. I’m glad that you were able to break the cycle and be a good mom yourself. That really speaks well of you!

It’s always nice to feel like you’ve improved on something, and there’s growth and healing happening 🙂

Hope you have a lovely weekend,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

How are you doing? I haven’t heard from you in awhile and I just wanted to see how you are holding up.

Please let me know!

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Alice,

I read through your story and wanted to chime in. Sounds like you have a pretty interesting life, full of travel and connections. How exciting! It also sounds like you are able to bounce back from things pretty well, and that you have the ability to see the “silver lining” in most situations, which is a very useful quality. Kudos to you!

But first off I’m wondering what your relationship was like with A before, and what caused it to end. I always think that there’s a reason that an ex is an ex, and we usually only go back to an ex for a few reasons, most of which are not healthy.
Every once in awhile you are able to meet up with someone at a different point in life where each party has grown and be together in a new way that works, but that is rare. It also requires that each person really did their own healing work in between the time that they were split, and even so, it’s difficult to not revert back to the behaviour you had with the person originally, unless you are really conscious about it, and so are they.
So what brought you back to A after all this time? Had you been in touch with him at all over the years or did you just randomly reach out?

You say that you don’t believe in rebounds and while it might be true that someone could split up from someone and immediately meet the love of their life, it’s not very common for that to happen. And to be very honest, it’s not what it sounds like was happening in your rsituatio0n.
You were in an unhappy relationship and then when it ended, you found someone that you knew would make you feel good about yourself and lived in a little fantasy world with them. It sounds nice, believe me I understand, but it’s just not reality.

The reality is that A has had an entire life this past 12 years that had nothing to do with you, and so to be fair, it really doesn’t matter why he wants to save this wokman who is bad for him. And the reason is plain to see. He is obviously someone who likes to”save” women. he did the same thing for you when you called him during your breakup. So he’s good at doing that, and providing a safe space for women in his life.

But that’s obviously not healthy nor something to build a relationship on, and it sounds like he knows that, which is why he said that he can’t be in a committed relationship with you.

So if you want to be friends with him, and like Heidi said, enjoy what you had and what you can have (because I get the feeling he would be willing to still sleep with you), then do so! But don’t expect that he’s going to be the knight in shining armor who is going to sweep you off your feet.

But it sounds like you are ok with that fact, so at this point, you can just relax and be his friend. Anything getting in the way of that plan?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Rhonda,
I agree. It IS definitely very upsetting when family members are so distant. It sounds like unfortunately in your family, your mother ruled the roost, and that she was extremely unhappy in her life. Do you know much about how she grew up? Her parents? What her life was like before she became a mother herself? I wonder where her disappointment, fear, and need for control came from. It’s sad because she ruined the chance to have a supportive relationship with her children, and it sounds like she died holding onto that pain. I’m sorry that happened that way.

In terms of being a mom though, I’m sure you know how you have to just let things happen as they will in many cases, especially once you have adult children. If you really have a reason for concern that’s one thing, but it just might be that your son is ok with his life. Maybe it’s not what you would want for him, but it’s what he’s creating for himself. To be fair, that’s always the case with humans. We want so much for others, and while we also may want for ourselves, it’s not always so easy to manifest. So it is difficult for the others that we want to see succeed. At a certain point, we just realize life is difficult and move through it as best as we can, trying to be as happy as we can along the way.
It is too bad that Trav changed due to bullying, and hopefully one day he can work through some of that and be able to have healthier relationships. All you can do in the meantime is love him, which it sounds like you are. He is lucky to have a good mom like you!

I can understand your desire to stay at this particular job for a bit longer out of respect for the colleagues that brought you on. Since you have previous experience with them and that obviously like you, is there anything that can be done to make the position less soul crushing? Can you talk to the managers that you have a rapport with and see if they can make any changes that could help? If they truly value you, and it sounds like they do, they may be willing to at least do whatever they can to keep you satisfied. A good employee is difficult to find, and a smart employer will do what they can to keep a good employee happy!
So maybe that’s a thing?

Hope you’re feeling better 🙂
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Hope you are able to get some rest! It’s always more difficult to feel good about things when sleep patterns are messed with, so hopefully tonight is a more restful one for you.

What I always like to remember when things are in a deep state of distress is that this too shall pass. Everything always does, and when it does, pressure does tend to get relieved, at least for a time.

It sounds like your family is very controlling and manipulative. I’m sorry that you have felt alone so often, and like you didn’t have the support that you wanted, and that you deserve. I can tell that you are a very supportive and caring person, who really wants the best for people, and I commend you for keeping that kind of attitude alive, even when you have had a difficult time finding that same kind of support from others. It doesn’t always help to remember that we are stronger than most, and that’s why we are bearing the burdens that we are, but perhaps it can help a little to remember that we have gotten through many struggles in life, and that we are still here, witnessing the sunrise of a new day.

I understand feeling guilt from your sister, and from your father, but you can’ let their lifestyle affect you. I know that’s easier said than done, but it doesn’t sound like you agree with how they live, and you know that it has many failings. So no need to feel bad about not getting deeper into the narrow mindset that they live by. You have gotten yourself free of that controlling negativity, and that is a wonderful thing. You CAN choose to not engage with toxic behaviour, even if it’s your family. You are not indebted to them if they don’t treat you well. No one would fault you for walking away, and staying away, as you’ve done. As a matter of fact, many would admire you.

It sounds like you have some options with work, and that you’re absolutely an asset where you are. That being said, once you are ready to make a change there, you should be able to find offers from places where you will be more happy. I encourage you to look into that sooner than later. Is there a reason why you are sticking at your job and not starting to look now?

Glad to hear that you had a good conversation with your son. I can understand you worrying about him, you;re his mom and it’s natural that you want him to be happy. But it sounds like he’s not as unhappy as you might think he is, or as you might be in his situation. If he is content, isn’t that what matters?

Here’s hoping that a new day brings new energy, clarity, and hope for the future!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

So sorry to hear that things are tough right now! I know that you always try to be optimistic, which I really appreciate, but I know that sometimes it’s all just too much, and you just need to allow yourself to feel down.

Being alone with not much to do can definitely take its toll, and I know that with covid many people have had a hard time with that. Hopefully as things progress in that realm and you are able to get out more, you will start to feel more connected to the world again. I know that you like to stay active, so hopefully you will have more opportunities for that in the future.

I know that also being away from home so much really upsets you, but this is the first I’ve heard of you disliking your job so much. Or maybe the first time I realized how strongly you feel about it. Have you explored looking for another job? You mentioned waiting a yeat, which seems like a long time if you are that unhappy. It seems like now is also a good time when more opportunities are starting to open up again. Maybe just even taking a look could be a good thing?

I’m sorry to hear about the young guy on email, but it sounds like it wasn’t a great match anyway. But I want to commend you for taking the bull by the horns and pursuing something outside of your comfort zone! That kind of attitude will always help, even if it didn’t turn into anything in this particular instance.

The family situation sounds rough. I’m sorry that your son is unemployed and feeling down, but you never know how life can and will change quickly, so maybe something will transpire to transform his circumstances. With just the right job for example, he could meet a whole new social circle and be in a different place now in a few months. You just never know. Does he have a therapist? Or are there any ways that he could meet new friends? Is he open to that? Or does he see it as an issue? Sometimes we worry about people because of how we think that we would feel in the situation when they are perfectly happy with things as is.

In terms of your sister and dad, I can see how that could be very upsetting, especially given that you haven’t been too connected to them over the years, and now that she is feeling the strain, is demanding help. It’s also totally unreasonable to ask you for money that you don’t have, when your father has the money necessary for his care, and she refuses to spend it. She, nor he, must not need it that much!
Please don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about that. They definitely don’t sound like they need your financial help, and she is just trying to make you feel badly.

I’ve seen this happen often when people have to take care of an elderly parent and they won’t do what’s in the parent’s best interest because the parent isn’t giving explicit permission to do so. But typically, the parent isn’t in their right head to do so, and is relying on their child to make that decision for them. If your sister has been the one in this position all along, it’s a little too little too late to ask you to step in now. So as mentioned, I would just have firm boundaries with her and not let yourself get drawn in.

Remember that you’re a good person! Everyone has bad days and it sounds like there’s a lot piling up on you right now. Try to take some time to care for yourself instead of everyone else. You are the most important person in your life, at least you should be!

Hope things improve sooner than later!!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Danielle,

Thanks for reaching out on the forum! It’s a great place to get your questions answered!

There are many reasons why someone says that they want to do something and then they don’t follow through. It could any number of things.
He could be busy at work, busy at home, busy with life, etc.
He could be an alcoholic, partying with his friends, just drove his car into a ditch, etc.
He could be a player, not interested, just likes to tell women that he’s interested so he can see their response.
He could just be a tool, an ass, a jerk, or just a flake.

But what it comes down to, is how are you going to respond to it. What do you want? What are you looking for? What are you willing to handle? What are your own boundaries, dealbreakers, etc?

Figuring out all of those is key while meeting people for potential relationships. You have to know what you want so that way you can set the tone for how you want to be treated. If you don’t want to be involved with someone who will flake like that, forget him. Doesn’t sound like you even know the guy and there’s plenty of men coming down the pike.

If it’s irritating now, probably a good sign to not pursue it?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Denitria,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! So sorry to heat that you are going through this painful situation. It’s always so difficult when someone disconnects and won’t communicate nor give space for closure. You are not wrong for being upset or asking for focus and attention. It’s very hard when someone changes and is no longer committed to working on the relationship. From there, you have to figure out how to best move forward.

It sounds like while you’ve been in connection with this man for the last 3.5 years, I am wondering what’s been happening during that time. How did you meet? How did you start dating? Was he committed to working on things at one point? It sounds like there have been some issues that have arisen in this time that you’ve been in each other’s lives. Have you been able to work through things in the past or have they mostly been swept under the rug? It sounds like he might be holding onto some resentment.

Either way, it sounds like he is not willing to face whatever is happening between the two of you right now and is trying to get away from it, and/or take some space. If he’s blocked you and hasn’t opened your email, he is giving a clear signal that he is not open right now to having any kind of interaction with you. Unfortunately, you may just need to wait at this point.

How does that feel for you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Of course! You deserve to be listened to and appreciated. I really wish that you didn’t have to have gone through this experience, but hopefully there was some silver lining out of the whole situation….can you think of one?
Is there any way that this taught you anything about yourself? Your relationship patterns? How things could go the next time?

You did nothing wrong, and you are a good person. I’m sure that there will be someone else out there who will treat you well in the way that you deserve. I hope that you believe and know that deep down, even if it doesn’t feel that way now. William was not the nest that you can get, nor was he what you deserve. He didn’t leave because you weren’t enough, he left because he’s not enough. Please don’t forget that!

Now tell me a few nice things that you plan to do for yourself in the upcoming future!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

I feel your sadness and I just want you to know that you are not wrong in this situation. I have said it before and I will say it again, this has nothing to do with your worth and everything to do with his.

Unfortunately you are dealing with people who are broken, unhappy, and not in a place to help you feel better, because they feel so bad themselves.
You can’t expect his ex to give you any clear answers. I’m sure that he did her dirty as well, so why would she want to help you? He probably treated her like crap too. I’m sure she doesn’t have the ability to be kind to you, or even honest. And even if she’s trying her best, it’s still just her own experience and perspective, which is of course, biased.
His best friend…well I’m sure he’s another winner. And his loyalties lie with William, not you. He is not going to tell you anything that William doesn’t want him to. Why would he?

I know that you’re hurting and that you want answers, but the truth may be that there is no answer, at least no good answer. You say that you want him to tell you “the truth”. But what exactly are you hoping to hear? the truth about what?

As soon as you started writing to me you said that he said things along the lines of…He loves you, he will always love you, but he’s no good for you and for anyone else. He will just hurt you, he’s a broken person, etc. So that’s the truth, and he’s already told you that. What else do you want to know?

Everything else has come from you asking him time and again why. Because of your patterns of low self esteem, on some level you want to hear him say that yes, you’re the reason. That you’re a bad person, a bad partner, not worthy, and that way your self fulfilling prophecy can come true. But that’s not true. The truth is what I, and he, have been telling you from the beginning. He is broken. You can’t fix him. You tried, and it just broke your heart.
Unfortunately, that’s the bottom line.

You have to try and move on. I know it’s hard, but you have to know that you are worth more than this. That you did nothing wrong. That you are a decent person and a good catch. That you deserve to be loved and that this man is not capable of giving you that love. Not because of you, but because he’s not capable of giving that to anyone. Do you think that he’s going to have happily ever after with some new woman that he met five minutes ago? He’s not. He’s going to break her heart and every woman after her until he makes the changes within himself that he needs to make.

I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this, but you have to stop blaming yourself and looking for answers that lead to the idea that this is somehow your fault. It’s not.

Please take care of yourself. Reach out to friends, do something nice for yourself. Read a book, take a bath, eat some ice cream. Whatever it takes to feel ok and get through the day. And in time, you will start to feel better. And in more time, you will be able to love again.

I promise you. You’re a good person, Michelle. Don’t this man’s inabilities to be a decent human being tell you otherwise.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

How are things going for you? I have to say that from reading your story, I do agree with Heidi that it doesn’t sound like something worth pursuing. Sometimes you just have to let things go and know that something better is right around the corner, and will come to you when you are open to it. Just the way that you met this guy randomly online, you could meet someone else who actually wants to be in a relationship and connect with you.

There could be many reasons he is not engaged with you, and they have nothing to do with you, but could be more about where he is in his life. Is he recently divorced or separated? He has said that he’s been burned before, so he’s admitting that he’s not available for something with you. Chasing him is not going to help.

I really hope that you can move on and realize that it’s not you, it’s him.

Let us know how it’s going!
xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

Posts