[Coach Spyce]

I totally understand that you feel hurt and betrayed. You never had a love relationship with her so it’s easier to feel angry with her. But truth be told, even if you were just his friend, you were the other woman. She had no reason to be loyal to you, and ask yourself if you would be loyal to her if you were in her shoes. It’s ok to be mad at her but it’s not her fault. She is also the victim.

Men like this pit women against each other so that one has to be the winner and the other the loser. Meanwhile, he is no prize! I totally believe that he’s evil, abusive, and his (her?) daughter hates him. Just because he’s not in jail doesn’t mean a thing! Men kill woman all the time and get away with it.

You need to block both of them and get as far away from the situation as you can. What else is happening in your life? Is there anyone else intriguing that you’ve run into? Any time with friends, activities, etc?

I’m serious lady, this is a bad situation and you have to let it go and get away from it.

Let me know how I can help!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling used and discarded. It’s not fair at all…but I do want to point something out here. It sounds like you are putting all of the blame on his ex, and that’s not really where the fault lies. Yes, if you were friends with her then it’s not nice of her to play you like that. But, it really comes back to him. He is the connecting link in this situation.

You have to make peace with the fact that this guy is seriously bad news and that you deserve better. I’m not saying that he lied about his feelings for you, but he is a liar and a cheat. He has so much baggage that he is dropping off at women’s doorsteps to carry for him. He pits the women that care about him against each other and then he gets out of being the bad guy. When really, every negative emotion that you’re feeling right now is due to him.

I’m only telling you this to really remind you that this guy and the whole situation that he is creating is not worth it. Even if he stepped away from her right now and came banging on your door, I would implore you to turn him away and run screaming. Be happy that he is someone else’s mess. Move on with your life. Work on you and your self esteem so that you can feel good about yourself and you won’t be willing to settle for the stress and trauma that a man will give you just in order to have him in your life.

Life and love is supposed to be about joy and pleasure, fulfillment and satisfaction. The level of pain and heartache you are going through with this man is not love, and never will be. If you can move on, I can promise you that you will find something so much better!

Here for you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

How are things going? Any updates?

Sending love and strength to you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, I figured that given your upbringing, the idea of asking men out would certainly be frowned upon. I also know that you were taught to put your own needs behind the needs of others, and to take care of yourself, as well as those around you. It makes sense that this would have been how you’ve operated thus far.
But I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be like that, and you can do things differently. You are a very intelligent and ambitious woman. You see the things that you want in life and you take the steps to get them. That’s admirable. I am very confident that you could do the same in your dating life, and I have no doubt that you will when the time is right.

But while you’re dealing with the job, the timing isn’t right for that. So while I know that you’re anxious to date, I think yuo should also cut yourself some slack and not be too down on yourself if you aren’t being too proactive in that realm. There is a lot going on in the professional sphere that it sounds like you need to attend to. Once you’ve dealt with that, things will change.

And you have a plan of action. You are putting things into place to find a new job where you can be happy and safe, where you can be at home, and where you can focus on having a healthy relationship. I am confident that this will happen for you, you just need to focus on what’s at hand. You are doing things in the best way possible. and I know that you are going to be successful!

I hope that you find some fun this weekend 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Susan,

How is it going? Yes, now knowing the history that you both share, that does change things. It’s not just a casual hang out with “a guy I like”. Since you say that the two of you spent time together with your spouses, who have both passed and you are the ones who are left, there could be all kinds of things happening.

First one that comes to mind is survivor’s guilt, which tends to affect men more than women because they are seen as the stronger one. Women are children are to be protected, he should be the first to suffer. So men definitely do feel that when their wife dies before them in general.

In particular, I’m sure that there could be uncomfortable feelings about the fact of who you are. You aren’t some random person that he met online, or through a friend. You had a relationship with his wife, he had a relationship with your husband. There have to be feelings about that. Which leads me to ask, how do YOU feel about it?
He may be wondering about this too, and even if he is interested in taking things to that level with you, he may think that you wouldn’t be comfortable with it, or would see him as sleazy or trying to capitalize on a vulnerable situation. You never know what’s going through someone’s head, and sometimes people run all kinds of stories in their own minds.

Another scenario is that he sees you as a dear friend, someone he can relate to that knew him before, and he to you as well. When people pass, the ones who knew them became sacred to us. Maybe he doesn’t want to taint the sweet relationship that you have now…

Just to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with any of this, but it is important to acknowledge that there is a level of intensity in the dynamic already. That is ok, you just need to acknowledge it and communicate.

So once again (it often happens!), I agree with Heidi that you need to talk with him. To me this feels like a huge elephant in the room, and I truly believe that having this conversation with an open mind is important. There could be a lot of different emotions that swirl around, and please don’t try to take his reactions personally, as they are unlikely caused by you. Obviously he cares about you and enjoys spending time with you, but there are extraneous emotional ties that can make something like this difficult to navigate.

Be gentle with him, gentle with yourself, and communicate openly.
Hopefully that works well!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

That sounds confusing! It’s obnoxious when people are hot and cold, but of course you can’t control that for sure…

I’m curious if you have ever asked men out on dates, or if you typically wait for them to ask you? I know that you’re a pretty proactive person in most all other areas of your life, so I’m wondering if you are the same here?

I can relate as I’m a very outgoing, assertive, and friendly person myself. I have no problem calling up friends and making plans, BUT I do sometimes start to feel bad if I feel like I am the only one who is making the effort to reach out.
What people have told me is that sometimes they assume that I’m busy, or not interested, and other times it’s purely just them.

So I’m curious if you seem so independent and well-put together that men either assume that you wouldn’t be interested, or that you’re not available, or if they are just intimidated. I know we’ve talked too about the ages of men that you’re dating, and how sometimes older men who are part of a generation with more conventional gender roles and lower energy levels might not be up to speed with you mentally and physically.
I know that you were talking to that one younger man online and while someone in their mid-30’s might be a little too young, connecting with someone who is vibrant and energetic is likely a good way to go.

But to be truthful, I think a lot more will open up for you when you are not feeling stuck in a job where you’re unhappy, and unable to have a solid homebase that you’re comfortable in. I truly believe that all of this travel is a part of the reason that you can’t find a compatible relationship. So my hope is that when you can stay put for awhile, more of that which you seek will make itself known in your life.

Do you agree?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nina,

From everything that you have told us about this guy, it seems to me that he is potentially very busy, and/or distracted with something in his life. Beyond that, we still know virtually nothing about him, so it’s very difficult to determine if he likes you and is just shy, like Heidi said, or if he is simply not interested.

As I said above, someone needs to be ready and available for a relationship. And being able to determine that in someone is a skill that you can learn. The first thing is to determine what you want in a relationship and then see if the person even has those qualities.

Just trying the “damsel in distress thing” is not necessarily going to work as that may not be a way to entice him. If he’s super busy and overwhelmed, he may see that as a burden and become even less interested in you. Also to note, he didn’t help, AND he didn’t even let you know that he couldn’t. Do you really want to be with someone like that anyway?

If you have a weekend trip coming up with him and your group of friends, just do what both Heidi and I have suggested and try to get to know him more. Ask questions about him, his relationships, his life, his work, his family, etc. Get to know him.

At this point, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Let us know how it goes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nancy,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story about your relationship and how things are going. It’s really a thing, isn’t it? That we can so often not appreciate what have until we fear that we might lose it. Oftentimes we need these revelations or wake up calls or we can spend our entire life overlooking what’s right in front of us. I can really relate to this!

sounds like you’re also a strong and outgoing person who has had many different kinds of life experiences. You say that you’re the first woman he’s fallen in love with, but I get the idea that’s not the same for you? when we meet someone who is so good, but might be so different than what we are used to, or to ourselves, it can be really hard to surrender into that. Because in order to do so, you need to change. At first, you may not be sure that you want to change. And change is one of those things…you have to come to it on your own. It can’t be on someone else’s timeline. Ideally in a long term relationship, both parties change. When the participants change in a way that brings them closer that’s great, but it doesn’t always happen that way.

It sounds like you feel like you’ve “seen the light” so I’m curious to learn more about that. What was your revelation? How did it come about? It sounds like it was a sudden epiphany and while that kind of thing can feel very vital to the person having it, others who are affected by it may feel slightly more dubious. The answer to that may hold the key to why he is suspicious.

You asked: How can I make him see that this change is legit? That it’s not just this cycle going around again.

So that indicates to me that this isn’t the first time that you’ve claimed to have learned something. And what happened those other times? Why does he doubt that this time is different?

If we want to figure out what you can do to show him that you’ve changed, I need to know more about what these changes are, how they came about, and the history of what led you to this place.

Don’t worry, I don’t judge! As a coach I’ve seen and heard it all and I personally believe in the validity of all kinds of relationship styles between consenting adults. So you won’t shock me. But I do want to learn more about you and how is it that “BOOM, Im back baby!” came into being 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Susan,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your question! Are your friends saying that because of his age he’s not as motivated sexually and so that’s why he hasn’t made things progress in a more physical manner? That could have some truth to it, although I don’t think that’s likely the crux of the matter.
No matter what age, if someone is motivated to spend time with you, they are going to do so.

Typically it has to do with what other things are happening in the person’s life, and if they are looking for, or open to, the kind of relationship that you are looking for. Many times someone doesn’t want to take things to the next level because they aren’t interested in or available for, a more intensive relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t like you per se, they just may not want to get too involved.

As I’m sure you know, at a later phase in life, many people have had marriages, divorces, families, heartache, and may feel like they are just not up for getting involved in things like that again. Soit could be that his hesitation is based on past struggles, and not on anything in particular about the current situation.

Speaking of, what IS the the current situation? Are you dating? Are you romantic? How did you meet?

Look forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Of course as a parent you can always look back and feel like you could have done better, even just as a human that’s the case! But you have to recognize at some point that you did the best that you could. Your kids are adults now and they don’t seem to blame you, so there’s no reason why you should blame yourself. It sounds like you did everything you could for them to thrive. Of course you always want to do more, but maybe giving Trav a little bit of space to make his choices, mistakes and all, is what needs to happen right now. If he knows that you will always bail him out, it makes it easier for him to stay stuck in the patterns that he’s in. Not easy to let go though, I definitely understand!

It’s tough to be in a job situation where not only are you not happy in the position, but you’re not happy with where you have to live because of the position! But I do have faith in you that you have a lot to offer, and you will be able to make changes soon.

There are 2 kinds of people in hr world. Those who when they are unhappy with something, just look at everything that they can blame for their unhappiness. This kind of attitude keeps them stuck in their despair. Because how can they change anything if everything that is happening is someone else’s fault and out of their control?
The other kind of person wants to not only figure out why they are unhappy, but take the necessary changes to do something different to make themselves unhappy. Even if it’s not something huge, they will do whatever is in their power.

That’s much more proactive, and I think you’re more of the latter than the former, which I commend!

It can feel difficult to apply this logic to the dating world, but I think it’s similar. To me it sounds like you use this approach with everything in life, and so dating need not be any different. After all you’re not like the woman that you work with who sounds very resigned to not making any significant changes, but would rather complain and be depressed about her lot in life. Your ability to see the larger picture and still keep your optimism is great, and in my opinion, will help you achieve what you want in the end!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sono,

It’s been a while since we’ve connected so it’s nice to hear your update. It sounds like you’ve come full circle with this and I am happy for you if that’s truly the case.

To me it’s just sounded like from the beginning. that he is essentially not very emotionally mature and has a difficult time figuring out his emotions, and even a harder time letting people know what he thinks, especially when there is the potential of conflict. It’s not uncommon, and many men are conflict avoidant in their personal and intimate relationships. Men are taught to protect their women and not make them unhappy. Many men just don’;t know how to let their partner know when they are having an issue, and so they just run away from the situation. Communicating your feelings can be a vulnerable thing, and many men just don’t know how to be vulnerable.

It’s not surprising that he is just bringing another woman in to fill the loneliness, but he’s not being kind to her either. That situation speaks a lot to who he is as a person in his own development. He doesn’t have the emotional wherewithal to care enough about anyone beyond himself. As I’ve said before, I think he is really in trauma but doesn’t have the maturity to acknowledge it. And until he does, there’s nowhere that you can go with him.

Mourning properly will definitely be a healthy thing that will help alleviate the sadness. And yes, once that’s done, do think about everything you want and don’t want and make that list!

I look forward to seeing it,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Biggest rule in dating: Do not fall in love with potential!! Anyone can be anything, and that’s all that potential is. Yout fantasy of what this person might be like.
You have to fall in love with the actuality of who someone is. That’s the only way to really have true love.

I’m sorry that this has been disappointing. He does sound like a person who creates lots of drama and doesn’t have clear communication so maybe this is for the best. It still hurts but the best way to find the right person is to not continue to stay with the wrong person! Hopefully that knowledge can help moving forward.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear that this person you’ve been spending time with is communicating so poorly. It’s very immature and unkind for someone to not let someone else know when they are going through something or having feelings in some ways. Unfortunately, it’s common in men who have not learned how to communicate well, and don’t feel comfortable saying difficult things that need to be said, especially if they think that the information will hurt someone.

The fact is, I’m sorry to say but you don’t really know him very long, and anyone can be anything for 3 or 4 months. Him saying that he loves you after 3 months is also a red flag, as he doesn’t know you either. I know it feels good when that happens, but it’s not typically indicative of the beginnings of a healthy relationship.

He’s probably not actually available for a relationship and doesn’t know how to tell you. So instead he just stops communicating, which is really mean and hurtful. Whatever it is, it’s not your fault and you deserve to be communicated with clearly and respectfully. Unfortunately we can’t force anyone to do anything, all that we can do is make our own choices.

So you have to really determine if this is the kind of person that you want to be with…someone mean, disrespectful, selfish, who then blames you for blowing up his phone when you didn’t know if he was dead or alive. I think you’re worth more than that, girlfriend! He doesn’t sound worth fighting for. You miss him, but what you miss is not who he really is. This is him showing you his true colors. You need to see him for what he is and move on.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nina,

I totally understand not wanting to ask for help and to be fair, that’s not the only technique that works! But what’s really the most important thing that I see here, is to really get a sense of who this guy is. What does he want? What is he looking for? Where is he in life?

Heidi asked above and I’ll reiterate: is he single? I mean, that’s the big one, lol! And then even if he single, you can tell a lot about if someone is open to a relationship by examining their activities, habits, and where they are in life. The fact is, you can like someone all you want, and feel a connection, but if they are totally closed off to deeper connection no matter what you do, then you have to take that into consideration. Because at that point, it’s not you, it’s them. They are closed off, period. It doesn’t matter who you are. So why waste time trying to get with someone who isn’t open to it. All that does is make us think that we are in the wrong, and if we just are better, prettier, reach out more, say the right thing, etc etc, he will then make the change necessary to be in a relationship with us. And that is simply not true. People have to make changes for themselves, they can’t do it for anyone else.

So that’s my first thing to focus on…who the heck is this guy? Then once we know that, we can figure out how best to connect further with him. Make sense?

And in terms of facebook likes…are you liking his page? He may not even be seeing your posts! Don’t fall into the social media trap!!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Alicia,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your question!

Ah, the allure of the reconnected romance! I understand the magic well. It can feel so incredible to get back together with someone after all of this time and the experiences that we’ve had. It can help remind us of how far we’ve come, or even bring us back to a more innocent time when we were full of life, and before anything traumatic occured. A reappearance romance can make our heads spin and our hearts pound with delight, and they certainly feel magical when you are engulfed in their presence.

But the real question is, what happens when you come back to reality? Back to the here and now? I’m sure there are many things that have happened in the last 17 years. Are you still the same person that you were at 20? Did you want the same things? What have you learned about relationships since then?

On his end, sounds like he may not have learned much, and here’s why I say that. Back then, you had a fight and he ghosted you. He didn’t try to make things work, he ran away. So what has he learned in the past 17 years? Does he still leave when the going gets tough? What was his marriage like? His divorce? Why are you so sure that you automatically want this man back, who disappeared on you all those years ago? How do you know what’s different about him?

Do I think that this man will hurt you again? Absolutely. He has shown nothing to the contrary. Yes it feels magical to reconnect (although with social media it’s pretty common these days) but unfortunately that does not constitute a relationship. You have to know more about him and who he is now before you can determine if he’s relationship material.

If he is, then he will reach out and contact you. he will make getting to know you in the present a priority. And if he’s not, then you say thanks for the memories and move on.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

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