[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amber,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I am so sorry for your heartbreak, it sounds like a very difficult situation. Four years is a good amount of time to be with someone and to also be connected to their children. That’s really cruel that he kicked out not only you, but also your children out. That must be really painful and difficult! I’m so sorry!

But I have to say that all of his behaviour sounds so very sudden and erratic! To break up with someone after four years and then move in someone who work with who is having relationship problem is not the actions of a well thought out plan by a healthy person.

Did you have any warning signs that he was unhappy?
You said that you were arguing for about a month before you split. What were you fighting about? Did something happen or was it something that was building up for awhile?

I know that him moving in some other woman right away feels very hurtful as well and it is, but I wouldn’t worry that’s just proving his bad behaviour, it doesn’t mean anything about you. Also those rebound relationships never work. She is just a distraction to make him feel better about himself because he knows he’s making poor decisions. At least if someone else is in on it, you can fool yourself into thinking that everything is well. When everything is not well!

Is he willing to talk about things at all?

You also said: He says he will always love me but i dont believe its love
That leads me to believe that there have been some conversations about change, and/or what you can do to save the relationship, so can you say a little bit more about that?

What’s really sad is what he is doing to your children. I know that they are not his, but
you said that he has wanted to be their dad, and 4 years is a long time in a child’s life.

What has that been like the past 4 years? How has he been with them?

From what you’ve mentioned, this all seems sudden so maybe you can fill me in on a bit more details of the situation so I can be of more help!

In the meantime, remember that you are a good person who deserves to be loved and cherished and things WILL get better. They always do!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Well there you have it! Unfortunately when something traumatic or stressful happens and we try to ignore it instead of addressing it, it always comes back with a vengeance. By pretending that it doesn’t matter when it does, you create a level of mistrust and disconnection in the relationship.

So it sounds like he is feeling mistrustful of your connection as partners, and he doesn’t know if he can truly be with you in the same way that he’s been. Because when push came to shove, things weren’t what he thought they would be.
This isn’t your fault, but it sounds like it’s what he is feeling.

I know that it feels really difficult at this point to give your husband space. You want to know that he’s feeling connected to you, you want hope for the future, and assurance that everything will be ok. When he’s not responding to you, it’s natural for your brain to go into a negative space and assume that he doesn’t love you anymore and that it’s over. But that’s not necessarily the case. it sounds like he is just processing things in the way that works for him, which is to take space and be on his own.

Also some people just need space when they are upset and the more that you try to connect with them and get them to talk with you, the more that they feel pressured and pull away.
Do you know anything about attachment theory? Here is a good article on it.

How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships

At this point I would advise you to try and just give him some space to process his feelings. You are still in contact and messaging, so let that be enough for now. Can you find some other things to do to occupy your time and distract yourself? That might be the best that you can do for now.

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Well the thing is, he sounds stressed and overwhelmed and likely resentful of you. If he’s acting in a way that’s congruent with those feelings, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s cheating.

But unfortunately if someone is deciding to cheat, you can’t stop him. Why do you feel like he is? How is he acting suspicious?

You can’t change him or control his behaviour, all that you can do is control your own. I understand that you are feeling really neglected by him and that your needs aren’t being met, but from what you’re saying, it really sounds like he is feeling the same.

I would say that the best thing that you could do right now would be to try to find out from him how he is feeling, what he is needing, and to really listen to him. Be there for him. If you are constantly asking him why he’s not connecting to you, and why he’s not caring for you, he’s just going to pull away more. You need to make it about him for a little bit.

Does that make sense?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

The thing that I always suggest looking at with anyone that you’re interested in connecting deeper with is this: Are they interested AND are they are available for a relationship?

Are things set up in their life to be in a committed relationship? Do they have a sticky relationship with an ex? Do they have kids that they are taking care of? Do they have an intense job? What is their daily life like?

Oftentimes we meet someone and are so drawn to them that we try to make them into something that they aren’t. We ignore all the red flags and assume that because they are A & B, they also are every other letter in our alphabet, and that may simply not be true.

Like Heidi has said, it sounds like you’ve fallen in deep with this guy and you really don’t know much about him. He sounds cool, and yes he’s hot, so I get it. To be honest, I love the fact that you just put yourself out there and asked to connect with him. It sounds like he is receptive, but being that this wasn’t his idea, it may take him a bit to be as on board as you are. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, but I do think that you need to be patient if you don’t want to drive him away.

If there is passion, chemistry, and fire, those flames need to be flamed. If you pounce on the fire, you can easily put it out. The fact that he wants to take things slow and get to know you is mature and awesome. The only way to really find a sustainable and healthy relationship is to create one over time by getting to know someone. If he was ready and willing to jump into being with you, I would be suspect. His measured pace is a good sign.

So just try to relax and enjoy the process!

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for sharing more of your story! I’m glad to hear that you’ve gotten some professional help as it definitely sounds like your family is in a difficult situation, with two young children as well. There are many people in their sphere who have needs to be met there, and it all sounds like too much for any one person.

As the man of the house, and the provider in the situation, your husband might be feeling super overwhelmed, overworked, and just out of it physically. Also when men are in this kind of situation, they can feel like what they want and need is not as important and so he’s stuffing his emotions deep down, creating distance.

Sure he may be “communicating what he needs” in a very base way, but it sounds like there is a lot that is being unsaid. He likely doesn’t feel like he can be honest with the overwhelm that he’s feeling, so instead he’s pulling away and feeling resentful.
All of this stress can be a big buzzkill in terms of sexuality.

You say that your attempts at clear communication backfires, which I’m sorry to hear is happening! Can you give me an example of how this all plays out? Maybe I can give you some pointers and see if we can find a way for you to express things in a way that he will be more receptive to.

I do want to be clear with you though, that you do deserve to get your sexual needs met. Let’s see if we can find a way to make that happen!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lyndale,

Thanks for explaining a bit more about what’s been happening in your relationship. I’m sorry to hear that your husband made a decision that left you feeling unincluded. That is tough when you are supposed to be a team and the decision affects you as well. While I agree that eventually with things like that you do need to learn to accept it and move on or end the relationship, I do want to honor your right to feel angry and hurt.
When that happened, how did you all deal with it? What made you decide that you could accept what had happened and move on? How was your husband involved in this process?

To be honest, although you’re saying that you made that decision, it doesn’t sound like it’s been totally easy, and as you mention, you still have some “lingering bitterness”. Are there negative things that have been happening between you because of those feelings? Perhaps even though you have “accepted things” your husband knows that it’s still hurting you and that’s why he’s wanting to move out?

Also it would be worth noticing what the style of communication has been between you and your husband all of these years…Do you tend to talk things out when there are difficulties? Does he, or you, tend to want to ignore the stressful emotions and pretend that they don’t exist? Getting an idea of what your regular communication patterns are can shed light on the situation and hopefully help us determine the best course of action from here.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

You are such a great writer! Have you ever been published, or thought about it? You are really good at setting the stage and bringing visions to life. It’s a talent!
I was so excited by the date with Rusty, lol!

I feel you about seasonal depression! I am from the East Coast and just so dislike the cold weather. Every fall when summer would come to an end, I would feel the doldrums start rearing their sad heads. Now that I live on the West coast and I never have to see snow anymore, I am much happier year round. My half sister just moved from PA back to AZ where she lived as a kid and her and her girls are just thrilled. The warmer weather really does something to you…I hope that you can get back to it soon!

In terms of Garfield…I think you hit the nail on the head. Not that I want to deter you from dating when you’re not local, but I do think that’s a lot of it. It’s difficult for people to stay connected when they don’t know when they will see you. Long distance relationships are challenging for a reason, and typically only those that start off strong seem to withstand long distance. I’d imagine that meeting someone on a dating app who may not be in your area for the next 6-8 months could really deter people from wanting to build something.

Have you heard back?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I am so glad to hear you say that, all of it! I love that you know your worth and you’re not willing to keep reaching out to someone who is not showing that they see that. Sure he may be going through grief, but you have a lot going on too! No reason to be with anyone unless they are actively helping and adding positive support to your situation. You don’t need to be chasing someone to support them, you need to be lying back and letting the support come to you.

Like you said, if he cares, AND if he is able, he will show up. But if he doesn’t, then he’s not the right guy. I get the feeling that you’re a pretty incredible person and I’m sure that connection that you felt with him is because of you. So you can have that connection with many people. You keep being there for yourself and certainly the person who can match you will come along. I know it!

Sending you so much love and support for your surgery and chemo! You are a strong and brave woman. I’m seeing you healthy and vibrant, 100% cancer free!

Please keep us posted and know that we got you 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Christina,

Just catching up here and I gotta say, WOW! You are an incredible person in a huge growth spurt! Heidi and I are so proud when we see women like you, who despite toxic upbringings and unfulfilling relationships, finally have the courage to make changes in their lives so that they don’t keep passing the trauma down to their children, and their children’s children. It is SO wonderful that you are breaking the cycle, and I know for certain that you are on to much bigger and better things. The Universe rewards actions for sure, and your actions are speaking volumes! Congrats!

Of course it may not feel great right now, but you just have to keep pushing forward and things will get better. And certainly keep crying as much as you feel! Get it out, girlfriend! The more you grieve, the more you will gain clarity and insight, and be further along on your path of healing. Crying is not an indication of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It’s a catharsis that will enhance your perception and bring you that much further along in the healing process. Cry it up!

Also while I understand how it’s difficult to let the fantasy with Mike go, I have to agree with everything that Heidi said. Even though it feels great to have that attention from someone when you haven’t had it in so long, you have to see if for what it is. A nice glass of water after being in the desert. But here’s the thing. You’re OUT of he desert! And there is water everywhere! And once you’ve had some time out of the desert, you may realize that you don’t want water, you want some lemonade, or a mojito. You get to choose, you don’t have to settle for water! Even your therapist is certain that you won’t end up alone, so I’m assuming that you’re a vivacious woman who once she gets her feet on the ground again, will have no trouble finding attention and desire all around her.

You’re in a good place, and I’m really excited for your next chapter! Here for you as it progresses 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lyndale,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story and letting us know what’s happening with you in your marriage. I am so sorry to hear that things are rough right now. It sounds like you and our husband had a great connection for quite a long time, and it’s unfortunate that whatever is happening right now is causing him to feel like he can’t get what he needs in the relationship, and would rather be alone.

It can be difficult to be that supportive person for each other, when you are both going through something, and sometimes people do turn away instead of letting the pain bond ou closer together. Did something happen that affected both of you, or are you each dealing with something difficult individually?

It can be easy when you’re not in the best space and things aren’t working out as you would like to look back at what has happened and find a way to place blame on the situation, the other participants, and yourself. When in reality, life is hard and we are all doing our best. I’m sure that your intention has always been to be part of that supportive team that you always had, and it sounds like it’s devastating you that you feel like you let him down.

But I do want to caution you from taking too much responsibility in this unfortunate situation as that’s not really the answer. It’s great that you are feeling a renewed sense of understanding of how you can be supportive, but it’s also important that he be willing to look at where he wasn’t stepping up to the plate as well. Do you feel like that’s been the case?

Keeping the lines of communication open and letting him know that you understand what he’s feeling is definitely a good first step. How has his response been?

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Naomi,

Thanks for your question and welcome to the forum! If you are having trouble with your purchases, please contact customer service and they can help you.

In terms of your personal situation, it would be great to learn more about what you are going through so that way we can best advise you. it sounds like you are in a relationship with someone who is working a lot and you are at home due to not being well. I’m sure that must be very difficult in general, to have your freedom hindered when your body just doesn’t want to cooperate. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through that!

Is this your husband that you live with? Or long term partner? How long have you been together? Are there children involved? How long have you been ill? Have things changed due to that situation? There are so many factors that go into all of this, and it’s not just a clear cut answer for everyone. But I can say that if you want to draw your partner back in, the number one thing is to have clear communication where you can speak transparently about your needs and wants, and be able to draw your partner out to also express his own wants and needs.
This might be difficult if he is in a caretaker role with you.

Would love to learn more about you so that way we can be more of service.

Looking forward to hearing from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I know that you have mostly been talking with Heidi, but I wanted to chime in and say hello. Sadly I know a lot about grief and loss, so maybe my perspective will be helpful.

First off, I want to say that we are here for you. It sounds like you have a lot of intense things going on with your own health right now. I hope that you have support from friends and loved ones as you go through this difficult experience. Glad to hear that you have a doctor that you trust and feel good about. That’s really important!

In terms of the guy, it feels really dangerous to rely on him to get your emotional needs met. I understand that it’s exciting to meet someone new and it’s never bad to have a distraction, but maybe because of all that you’re going through right now, it sounds like you are trying to make something into more than what it is.

You’ve gone on a few casual dates and then he’s had a traumatic experience of losing his grandfather. As Heidi mentioned, if he’s close with his grandfather, and/or if it was sudden, or if it was a long drawn out illness, etc, etc…these all are factors with how he’s feeling now. Maybe he’s ok with it, or maybe he’s seriously broken up. Not knowing which he is makes it difficult to know how to approach him.

But typically when someone has a loss, even if it’s not super intense, there is still a period of grief, helping family, etc that may make a person really not have the time or headspace to connect with someone romantically, and especially someone new.

You have spoken with him and let him know that you’re there for him, and now you really have to let it be. I mean, you can certainly reach out to him in a few days, but you need to be clear in yourself that the connection is for you and your peace of mind, not him. You are trying to determine how he feels about you, and right now, he probably doesn’t know.

If I were you, I would send him maybe one more message in a couple of days and then just let it go. You have enough in your own life going on and you need to surround yourself with people who can be there for you, not with people that you have to tiptoe around to see if they like you. If someone likes you, and wants a relationship, they will let you know. If someone isn’t communicating that, it’s likely that they aren’t looking for the same things.

Let us know how it goes,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dana,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story!

First off, it sounds like this is a relatively new connection and you haven’t been seeing this guy very long. Do you have a normal pattern established of texting every day? Or were you thinking that because you spent the weekend together that now you would?

If you’ve ever been on the OKCupid dating app, there is a question that they have about how often you want to be in touch with your significant other. It can vary from person to person, usually depending on their lifestyle. Some people have more free time, or a boring job they want to get away from and want to text all day, some are busier but still want that daily connection and just want to say good morning and good night. Some people have a very full life and want to check in every few days by phone. It all varies, and unless you know for sure what someone’s pattern is and then they are changing that pattern and doing something different, it’s dangerous to assume that they are feeling any which way based on their communication style.

You were away on an idyllic and fantastic weekend trip and now he is probably back to whatever his daily life is and has to play catch up. So he is probably working on that, while thinking fondly of your time together. To be fair, it really only was less than 24 hours and if you were just together all weekend, it’s good and healthy to let things breathe for a bit. You did tell him to message you when he had time, and first day back to work probably is not when he did!

It sounds like you are anxiously attached and when you connect with someone, you need a lot of reassurance that things aren’t going to suddenly change. Have things like that happened to you often in life? If you don’t know about attachment styles, I’d recommend you take a look to learn more. t

For now, I’d recommend that you just relax and enjoy the ride! It sounds like you have something good! I know that you might be scared, but no reason to bring that fear into the relationship. If someone tells you that they enjoyed being with you and look forward to seeing you again, why can’t you believe them?

Taking a look at the answers to these questions will be really helpful to you here, so I look forward to hearing what comes up for you.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dana,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your question! Well first off, I guess it depends on who you’re asking but today is your lucky day and you got me!! In my world, it’s never too early to be transparent about what you want. It saves a lot of time and heartache spending time getting to know someone and getting attached to someone that doesn’t want the same thing or has the same goals. What’s the point in that?!

So yes, my approach is to be honest and open from the very beginning. If you want a relationship, say it. If you want kids, or don’t want kids, say it. Do you want to live with someone or have seperate spots? Anything that you know that’s important to you, express it!

One of the things you’ll hear Coach Heidi and I mention a lot, is about having a list of non-negotiables. These are all of the things that you must have in a relationship in order to be happy. It’s good to come up with at least 5, if not 10. And you can certainly have more! Because the more that you know yourself and can express it, the more you will attract someone who knows themselves and will be enticed by how clearly you ask for what you want, and not be thrown by it. Because believe it or not, that can be intimidating to some. However, if you can stick to it, you weill fish your wish! I am living proof 🙂

Nice to hear that you and this man want the same thing, that’s great! So what is your plan from here?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Congrats, that’s awesome! That first step is the hardest and now like you said, the ice is broken and he elephant is addressed. It makes sense for sure.

It can take people different lengths of time to move through things. How long has it been since your husband passed?

In the meantime if you enjoy spending time with him and cherish his friendship, just focus on that. If you feel like you are needing more romance in your life at some point, you can address that then. Either with him, or maybe with someone else if he’s still not ready.

But at least things are moving forward!

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