[Coach Spyce]

Sometimes it’s hard for young men to “feel a connection” because we are socially conditioned to be a certain way in love. Movies, music, and media tell us that if you love someone, you will die without them suffer to bee with them, and generally go through a ton of intensity or else it’s not real. So he may feel like there’s a lack of connection because there is not a high level of drama between you. Has he ever elaborated on what he feels by the lack of connection?

In reality, a long term and sustainable relationship is built on common interests, common goals, common communication styles, and a willingness to work through whatever gets in the way. In that realm, how well do you feel like you match up? Do you want the same things for your future? Do you have the same goals? Find the same things fun? How well do you communicate?

The unfortunate thing is that you can’t make someone feel something if they don’t, and in reality, you don’t want to. But if there’s something that’s getting in the way of him letting down his guard and being with you that’s potentially fixable, we are happy to help you try and determine what that is, and fix it!

Let’s see what we can come up with 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

I think he is just really cautious….he’s said from the beginning that he wants to take things slow. Have you learned anything about his previous relationships? That might hold some clues as to why he holds his cards so close to his chest….

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Connie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I totally understand how exciting it can be to meet someone new and have that instant connection, but I have to say that there are many red flags in this story. The feeling I am getting is that he is still way too connected with his ex to be dating, and he is not ready for a new relationship.
The thing I always tell women whenever they meet a man is to determine two things. Is he available for a relationship? Is he actively looking and making time for a relationship?

Because if not, you are just chasing after someone who will not be able to give you want you need, want, and deserve, and at the end of the day, will just leave you feeling rejected and bad, and like something is wrong with you, which I’m sure isn’t the case.

You sound like a lovely woman who is ready to have a true partnership in her life, and is willing to do the work to make that happen. He sounds like someone who has a lot of baggage and until he goes through that baggage and is able to release it of his own accord, is no good for anyone as a partner.

He is showing you what a messy life he has…do you want to be part of cleaning that up for him? If you are involved with him, everything that he is dealing with comes along with it. His ex, his children, his career woes, and whatever else he is dealing with. The question remains, what is he bringing to your table?

Maybe at this best, he is sweet, romantic, and loving. But it doesn’t sound like there’s much of that best part of him available. It’s obvious why he’s not contacting you, and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. So it’s really more a matter of what are you getting from this and how willing are you to wait around for the scraps this man has to throw at you?

My sense is that you can do much, much better….

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Raven,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this difficult experience with this man that you care about. It’s really confusing when it seems like people change on a dime, and it makes us feel like we have to find the one magic bullet that will change things back to the magic that we once had with them.
The truth is though, often these changes that seem to be so sudden are actually not sudden at all, but the person who is telling you their feelings may have been hiding things for awhile.
That being said, was there anything at all that happened in the last 3-6 months that was traumatic, or that you feel like maybe could have caused a change in the way that he felt? Or did you have any kind of experience that could be leaving some residual feelings that weren’t fully discussed?

I guess the other question is, what else are you doing in your life? Is there a chance that maybe he wants to see you doing something that you’re not? Has he asked you to make changes? Is there anything that he thinks that can be done to bring back the magic? When was the last time that things were good, and how good were they?

I’m also curious because you mention text a lot and I’m wondering how many of these conversations are happening IRL, and how many are via text? That can be a really difficult way to stay connected with someone, and not a communication style I’d recommend to build connection.

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laurie,

Good to hear from you! I am so glad that you were able to write that letter and express your feelings. How did it feel? I hope you were able to get some closure from it.

It’s too bad that he didn’t respond but unfortunately it’s not surprising. When someone who is doing something so devious and underhanded is caught like that, they are not going to fess up to it unless they are a really upstanding person who has been feeling guilt on their own. Even then they may feel such shame about the situation that they feel like they can’t face you, and what they did. It might just be the case that this man really is just a bad person who is not willing to change, but whatever it is, I just want to counter your wording of that “I’m assuming he just disregarded everything in it and doesn’t think I deserve a response”.
I doubt he thinks that, but it’s obviously too much for him to cop to, and it’s easier for him to just ignore you than to admit what a horrible thing that he’s done.

It’s normal to be struggling with this, and it’s very frustrating that he can just walk away with no harm done, moving on to the next sweet and kind woman. I personally always want men like this to be called out and strung up, and while it’s not in any way your responsibility to do anything, especially anything that will cause you stress, I do want you to know that you have a right to be transparent about your experiences with him, and also to warn others.

I hate for you that he’s such a weak and shallow person that he won’t acknowledge and make things right. But of course, that would only happen if he would admit that he was wrong, admit that he had a problem, and try to do better and make amends. But whether he does or not says nothing about you and everything about him.

You’ve said that this is opening up emotional wounds so would you like to share more about those? Does this remind you of other ways that you’ve been hurt in relationships? I’d like to help you see where this might be trauma rearing it’s ugly head, and maybe we can seperate what is happening now from the good and loveable person that you are.

In the meantime, I’m sending you much love and strength, and a reminder that you are a brave and wonderful person!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

You can have connection and vulnerability, hot sex and casual encounters, without having to get married, have kids, or live together. You just have to be clear about what you want, and be willing to be upfront about that.
Also be prepared to not necessarily get what you want right away, or from the exact people that you want it from.

You’re really fixated on Ricky, but I gotta tell you babe, you still have no idea what he wants. And saying I want this specific thing and then it has to be with this specific person is just setting yourself up for failure, and heartbreak if he’s not into that exact thing for a myriad of reasons.

Think of it like this: What if Ricky says: Ok, let’s date but I want to move in and have kids with you. That’s what I’m looking for.

Would you change your tune about what you want? Is that really what you want or is it what you think he wants? What’s more important? Your fantasy, or the person that you’re doing it with? Which by the way, is a fantasy too because you don’t know him! Everything about him is a fantasy.

You have this idea that because he’s so physically attractive to you that you’re going to have this insane chemistry and amazing sex with him, but I can tell you girl, that’s not always the case! There’s just so much more that goes into it…

Anyway, I’m not here to dampen anything, I’m just here to help you successfully get what you want. So I think getting clear on that is still what we are discovering!

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

What you need to focus on is you. You are running yourself ragged trying to determine what you can do to give him just the right amount of space, and just the right amount of validation, and you will make yourself sick. You need to relax and stop giving him all of the power.

It’s ok for you to have needs as well. It’s ok for you to be upset, or disappointed. It was also ok for you to have the feelings that you had the past few years. He is not blameless in all of this. Him taking away your decision to have children is very selfish. And him expecting you to not be upset about it isn’t right.
Instead of being compassionate and caring of you and trying to work on things, he’s run away so that way he has the power. And now, by making it all about him, you are creating a situation where he thinks that he can do whatever he wants and you will just fall in line. You have to be willing to ask for what your needs are as well. A relationships is a dance between two people, and it sounds like you’re so afraid to lose him that you are just willing to do anything that he says, and try to anticipate his every want and need before he even he does. This is not sustainable.

Get clear on what you really need to be happy. It’s ok to let him know that you’re not going to wait in this limbo forever. Figure out how long you are willing to go on as it is. Ask him the hard questions, even if you’re afraid of the answer.

For example: what is he hoping to discover by having this space? How long does he anticipate needing this space until he knows what he wants? Remind him that while you love him, it’s not fair for him to keep you hanging on like this. Either he’s in to work on the relationship or he’s not.

Like I said, these might illicit answers that you don’t want to hear, but at least you will know where he stands.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

Everything that you’re talking through is totally normal! I have many clients, colleagues, and loved ones who subscribe to all different kinds of relationship styles, and as long as everything is above board and there is a lot of communication, anything can work between consenting adults.
So don’t feel like you have to be a certain way with anyone in order to get what you want.
The first thing is just to figure out what you want, which it sounds like you are doing!

If you want to explore and try out different men and/or experiences, there is no shame in that game from me. As a matter of fact, I condone it! You just have to make sure that you are doing exactly what you want at all times in a clear and concise way. And you also need to communicate that with whoever you are interacting with. Also tread lightly and with lots of self confidence because you are going to meet many people who will just want to hit it and quit it. You have to make sure that you’re the one in control. Do you see what I’m saying?

Trying to get commitment from unavailable men never works, and it sounds like you’ve been down that road. Maybe focusing on having casual fun with available men can be a good step in the right direction!

How would you plan to go about it?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Dear Melanie,

I will reiterate in the kindest way possible…you are making a mountain out of a molehill. There is no mess to get out of, because there is nothing that you were ever in to begin with. You can have your feelings about someone all day long, but at the end of the day, unless you are actually having a physical dynamic with someone that has been expressed and agreed upon by all people involved, there is nothing there to clean up or move on from, except in your own mind.

This man is working, of course he’s going to be nice to you! He’s not going to jeopardize his professional reputation by spurning the advances of one of his patients. My OB has given me free birth control many a time…I doubt she’s trying to date me!

I understand that you had a visceral response to him and I’m sorry that you’re feeling disappointed by this turn of events, but you have to get ahold of yourself and your emotions or you will be the one to wind up the reputation.

I want you to take a look at your hurting heart and really try to determine where this is coming from. This is not about some guy that you had a flirtation with, it obviously goes much deeper than that. Tell us more about your past relationships, and also what are you looking for moving forward?
The first thing I always tell people is to determine if someone is really ready and available for a relationship. If they are not, you have to move on. Because if you try to force something, it will always go awry.

Please be careful…try to get some rest, have a snack, some deep breaths and proceed slowly.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

I know it’s disappointing when you see something in someone and you want to get to know them more and they just aren’t responding. It’s frustrating and makes us think that we are doing something wrong, or are not enough. That’s really not the case though.

It’s sounded like from the beginning, Ricky has been friendly but definitely keeping you at arm’s length. There could be many reasons for this but it sounds to me like for one, he’s a nice guy and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or outright reject you. You have mutual community, he’s done work for you, and he doesn’t want to be rude and get a bad reputation.

But as Heidi and I have pointed out quite a few times, you really don’t know that much about him and you really have no idea what his relationship life has been like recently. You didn’t meet him on a dating site, and the man never gave any indication that he is looking or available for dating. In all fairness, this was your idea from the beginning. He may just not be available, and that’s not about you, or whether or not he’s attracted to you. That’s about him, and whether or not he’s interested and available for a relationship, which it just doesn’t sound like he is. I’m sorry, but if a grown man wants a woman, he will make it known. And he will pursue her. If he doesn’t, he is not worth chasing either because it shows that he is lazy and uninspired. Nobody wants that!

Of course tho there will be the pull to connect with him over the friend who is ready and willing. That stability is not exciting. It’s the push and pull of the pining desire that reels us in. The fantasy of what we could have. But all that is potential, which doesn’t actually have legs. It’s just in our minds, unfortunately. It’s not actually in real life.

Try to focus on the here and now, and what’s actually happening, and who’s showing up. See how you feel about that. Try not to focus too much on what you want to have happen, or what you think could happen. I’m sure that you have a great imagination and that can be fun, but don’t let it consume your life.

As you mentioned above, that feeling of love or desire CAN be an addiction so it’s good to recognize it for what it is and just try to be in the present.

Does that feel doable?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum! Tell us more about your man! There are many reasons why someone could be distant and there are many ways that distance can look. How is what is happening now different than what’s been happening before? What proceeded the change anyway?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I so feel you on that being a cool/chill girl thing and how it can sometimes feel like it’s backfiring. I’m a cool chick and I’ve been there too! But what it really comes down to, is that we are trying to supress our emotions in order to appear differently than what we actually feel, and then we are doing a big disservice…to ourselves!

The fact of the matter is, you are a prize! And many guys would want to be with you. Heck, his roommate is wishing that he could find a girl like you and I’m sure many of his friends are too. But I’m sure it’s not just because you “give him space” or don’t pester him. I’m sure that you’re a great person who is wonderful to be with.

So here’s the thing. You need to remember all that and treat yourself as such. If this guy isn’t going to be the way he was when you first met him, then maybe you don’t want to be with him? After all, why do you want to be with someone who you have to beg for time and doesn’t make an effort to connect. That’s not because of you being boring, that’s because of a fault in him. Either he’s overwhelmed and not able to handle his feelings in a mature way, or he sucks at time management. Whatever it is, none of this has anything to do with you not being worthy, or you being too needy and having to back off. You have a right to have what you want in relationships.

For me, my relationships all got so much better as soon as I got comfortable expressing my needs to men. Not only once they started to not meet them, but from the time I met them so they would know from the start how I expect to be treated. I am not going to waste my time getting attached to someone who is going to pull away when they get busy. I am not going to pursue a relationship with someone who won’t communicate when they are upset and won’t talk to me for days. I have my deal breakers and my boundaries, and if someone is going to push through those, they don’t get to spend time with me. See what I’m saying? You’re the prize.

So what do you think about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Melanie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. I just want to encourage you to be kind with yourself on this one. Sounds like you are blaming yourself for not doing more, when there really doesn’t sound like there was much more that you could do. It also sounds like you’re upset with yourself because you’re obviously a dynamic and ambitious woman who understands how to achieve her goals most of the time. This sounds difficult because there were all kinds of barriers in the way to you connecting to this man, and now you feel like you will never have the chance.

Maybe I’m missing something here, but your story doesn’t indicate what happened between the two of you during Covid when he was working in London. Were you together or involved romantically? What was the relationship like with the other woman that he was with during this time? Was he seeing both of you?
It’s difficult to know from what you’ve told us so far if you were actually involved, or if this is based on a connection that you were feeling purely on your own that was never acted upon.

These are two very different scenarios so please do enlighten us!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping in touch with him, and it sounds like it would be good for you to clarify what exactly he is wanting. Maybe now that you’ve had some time apart he is starting to have a better idea of what he is wanting.

It sounds like you’re spiraling in fear and I am sorry for that. I do want to point out though that as much as you are doing everything to be respectful to him, you have needs as well. And I just wonder if you truly feel ok with accepting the fact of never having children. That’s actually a really big thing, and it’s basically a choice between him, and that aspect of your life.

I know that you love him, but I also think it’s fair to look at if that’s something that you want to live with, or without rather.

xoxo

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, I can totally understand how disconcerting that must feel! When you are away from the places and people that you know, you will want to cling to whatever is familiar, and it sounds like he is really the only instance of that.

How did the two of you meet? How did you decide to come back to live in his country? Have you been happy with that decision?

It makes total sense that he would still give you help, and even go above and beyond with that help. The fact is, he still loves you. Of course he still loves you. As much as you’re on his turf, he sees you as his family as well. He brought you home with him, and it sounds like you’ve had a good 8+ years with everything being good.

He probably also feels a little bad or guilty. He knows that it is hard for you to give him space, and to be away from him after all these years. So I think he is overcompensating to try and let you know that it’s not really personal.

He says he wants to be alone, and I know that you don’t understand what that means to him, and maybe he doesnt either, which is why he wants to be alone, to figure it out. So you have to just let him have his space and remember that it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. Of course he loves you, but maybe he needs to know who he is without you. Or maybe it really doesn’t have anything to do with you at all.

In your first message you said: I’m sending him messages to let him know that I finally understand him
I think the best way to get across that message to him, is to take the tips that Heidi recommended (and I’ve mentioned as well) and just graciously give him some personal space.
Don’t take it personally, because it’s not, and let him be alone, even just for a little bit.
I know it’s hard after 10 years, and I know it feels like a breakup, but I assure you, if you give him the space he needs, and you can let him come to you on his own time, he will come to you. It is obvious he still loves you and cares about you deeply.

Love doesn’t go away that quickly and it sounds like what happened in the last few years wasn’t something that made you think differently of each other as people, correct?

I know you may not want to talk much about it, but I can assure you that this is a safe and anonymous space, and the best spot to get feedback on anything that has happened. We do not judge you and we’ve heard it all, AND I can say I’ve seen and done my fair share of crazy stuff. Not easily shocked!
It may be cathartic as well, and can help us help you analyze the situation even better.

Anyway, I am glad that you are reaching out thus far, and I look forward to hearing from you again soon!

xoxo
Spyce

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