[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jennifer,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It’s evident that you have a lot of love for this man, and you’ve been through so much together. 15 years is a pretty decent amount of history together, and if you’re still attracted to each other after all that time, that’s saying a lot too, haha!
Most people are trying to figure out how to “spice” things up after all that time, but that seems to be a part of the relationship that needs no help at all.

What I’m reading into this though, is that it sounds like he makes a lot of things your fault, and that you have come to believe that it’s true. You had to learn how to cope with his anger, and appease him in order not to upset your daughter.
You have to change in order to make the relationship work and show him how much he means to you. You were talking with your ex and so he started looking to date someone else. You assure him that things will be good if you get back together. You are in therapy.
Do you see what I’m getting at here?

It really feels like you are doing all the work to get him back, and what is he doing to prove that he is worthy of you being back with him? Has he shown that he has made any changes or done any personal growth work to ensure that he won’t be angry all the time, and he won’t be a partner in creating an unhappy environment for you and your daughter? Has he done any therapy?

You sound like a strong and self reflective woman, which I admire as I am one too. It’s always tempting to look at what we can do to create the changes that we want to see, instead of accepting the fact that sometimes there’s nothing that we can do because the changes that need to happen are with others, and no matter what we do, nothing will change until the other person makes the same if not stronger commitment to the issues at hand.

I would so love to see your family reunited, if it is truly going to be a joy and blessing for all of you. I just don’t want to see you doing all of the work to get to that place, and would like to know what you would require of him in order to allow him back into your life in that way.

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with all of this, sounds like a lot of different hats that you are wearing with this man. From lover and wife, to advisor and therapist, to stepmom and confidante to his child. That is a LOT, and I just want to acknowledge that to you.

I understand that you really are attracted to this man, and that you have felt happy with him in the beginning, but how happy are you with the way he’s been treating you recently?

I have to say, he sounds a bit selfish and self absorbed. Sure he is going through something difficult right now, but you are doing so much to help him and he is not treating you well at all. His behaviour just doesn’t sound that respectful or kind, or thinking of anyone outside of himself.

I know that you feel like maybe you didn’t handle everything perfectly, but you are handling a lot, and you deserve some credit for that.

It’s easy for someone to be open to love when they are in a good space, but in order to really know the truth of who someone is, you have to see them at their worst as well, and then determine who they really at least have the capacity to be.

I’m curious, do you know what it is that makes him feel that you’re so incompatible? It sounds like a very sudden realization to have after you’ve known someone for over a year, and then moved in with them and discussed marriage and children…It doesn’t sound rational or thought out, but more just like a trigger.

Do you agree?

I guess the question is, where do you want to go from here? I’d be focused on finding out more about what the specific incompatibilities are, and having a very serious talk with him about how you want to move forward. I always believe that honesty is best, so telling him how you feel and how his daughter is attached to you, and how much you’re actually doing for him would be a good starting point.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Keep us posted on how this goes! I agree that it’s difficult to let someone down, but as Heidi mentioned, better to do it sooner than later, as it will only get more difficult in time.

Let us know if you need any more guidance on the specifics, but it sounds like you’ve got this!

Here for you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Elizabeth,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story and telling us a bit about what’s going on for you. It can be difficult to know whether or not someone will be ready and available for the future that you see with them, and it’s hard to know whether waiting and being patient will pay off, or just end in much time wasted and heartache.

I have to say, but as a relationship professional, it’s typically the latter. Here’s how we can tell.

First rule of thumb: when a man tells you at the beginning, when he is still telling you what you want to hear and trying to reel you in, that he is not ready for a relationship, you have to believe him. If you think that he is going to change that in short order, you would be incorrect.

A big red flag: He lied to you from the very beginning. Sure you could say that he just lied about it being 3 months instead of 6 and I’m sure there was a good reason for it, etc etc, but a lie is still a lie. If the relationship starts with lies, it will continue. If he lied to you and then came clean, and saw that you were ok with the lie, he will know that he can keep lying and you will be ok with it when you find out the truth.

Another issue: He was in a very toxic relationship for a long time. Do you think that he was perfect and his ex was just awful, and it was all her fault? It takes two to tango, don’t you think? He had at least some portion of responsibility for that mess, and even if his only fault was staying (spoiler alert: I donut it was), that still says a lot about his capacity to be in a healthy relationship.

So here’s the thing. I commend the guy for letting you know up front that he’s not relationship material and that he’s not going to be able to commit to you for a good long while. If he was really commendable he would have stopped seeing you then. But men (and all of us) want what they want, so I’m sure it’s easier to keep you hanging on.

So it’s up to you. How long do you want to wait? Do you think that something is going to drastically change in the next 2 months or so that will heal and change him from years of a toxic relationship?

I have my opinion, but what really matters is what you can commit to doing for your own life.

Thoguhts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

My rule of thumb with a friend with benefits kind of thing that you proposed with Paul is to really focus on the friends part. Because if you’re not really friends, then you’re just fuckbuddies, which is similar but definitely different.

That’s usually a case where the sex is so great that it’s all that you really want to do together, and so you make an agreement to just be in it for the sex.

With a FWB, you genuinely enjoy the person’s company and consider them a friend, but you don’t see a realistic long term relationship for whatever reason, and so you preserve the friendship, while also having the comfort and fun of a sexual relationship.
It sounds like the situation with Paul is exactly that. So, that being said, treat him like a friend!

Would you invite a friend to go to this on their birthday or would that seem like too much to you? If the only thing that makes it feel weird is because you hooked up with him, then you are letting yourself fall into the trap of seeing this as some sort of pseudo relationship, instead of the FWB agreement that you agreed upon.

Does that make sense to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jimeko,

I understand how that can be confusing! But here’s the thing, when someone tells you something like that, you have to believe them. Too many times, women will spend time with a man who says that they don’t want a relationship thinking that he will change if they just act a certain way, give him what he wants, don’t give him what he doesn’t want, etc etc.
Then they do all these things to please a man in the hopes that he will see what a good partner they are and change his mind. It might seem like he is changing his mind because of what you just said…you are doing all of the things that couples do, he expresses care for you, etc etc, but when you eventually become dissatisfied and tell him that you want more, he will tell you that he said from the beginning that he doesn’t want a relationship, and how can you argue with that? He did…
I don’t want you to fall into that trap!

So here’s what you need to let him know. You are a prize. You are a wonderful person and a fabulous partner. If he isn’t able to give you the commitment that you want and deserve, then you are going to look for someone who is. And that’s that. And you have to stick to that.

Does that sound at all like a realistic plan for you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi RS,

Thanks for your message and welcome to the forum! I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. You’re right! It is definitely painful and upsetting to not know where you stand in a relationship.

It sounds like it was nice for a short while, but unfortunately, many people hide the truth of who they are in the beginning when they are getting to know someone and they put their best foot forward. So they will do all the little things that will reel you in, not necessarily to play you, but mostly unconsciously. Everyone wants love and acceptance, and men are no different, even though they pretend to be. So I think sometimes a man meets someone, thinks that he wants to be in a relationship, but in reality he’s really not ready for it. So when things start to get real and he actually has to step up to the plate and be a mature and caring person, he runs away because he doesn’t have the capacity to keep up the facade.

Sure, he might have someone else and isn’t telling you. He also might have intense things going on with family or work, or any number of other things. It sounds like you don’t know him well, so you really have no idea what his life is like.
But whatever it is, it doesn’t sound like he’s willing and ready to make having a relationship a priority. I’m sorry.

I tell women this all the time, as your experience is very common. It’s so important to really be clear about what you want and are looking for in the beginning of a relationship and make sure that the other person is wanting the same. You can’t trust people’s actions when you don’t know them, and while you can’t necessarily trust their words either, at least if you’ve had the conversation you can gauge to some degree what they are after.

You’ve asked what to do, and at this point, it sounds like there’s not much that you can do. He isn’t responding and that’s not fair to you. He doesn’t sound willing to make time for the relationship so you have to decide if waiting for him to change his mind is the best use of your time.

Let us know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dejanai,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your question! So let me get this straight…you’ve been friends, best friends, with this guy for years, and about 4-5 months ago you took the friendship to a romantic level and started sleeping together?

How did that come about exactly? Was it talked about, or did it just happen? Has it been a casual friends with benefits kind of thing, or was it more like a “OMG I’m in love with my BFF” kind of thing?

The reason I ask is that a friend turned lover or partner can be a very tricky thing to navigate, and depending on how you got into it, anf the promises and commitments that you made to each other, or lack thereof, can really affect the nature of the relationship moving forward.

It’s nice that you want to support him, but there are so many potential factors at play here that it’s difficult to make a determination without more info.

Let us know more about your “situationship” and then we can be more helpful!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

Well here’s the thing, there’s a difference between being needy and being confident and clear in who you are and what you want. That’s called strength and having boundaries. It’s the difference between settling for a guy who you have to chase and act a certain way that’s not natural to you in order to be with him, or simply stating “this is what I want and deserve in a relationship, and if this person doesn’t have the capacity to give it to me, I walk away, because I want that respectful, healthy loving relationship. And if I can’t have that kind of relationship with that person, he’s not the one for me.”
See what I’m saying?

There’s a very different quality in what I’m talking about that is not needy in the slightest. It’s needy when you are willing to do whatever it takes to stay with someone who is not treating you the way you want. It’s needy if you accept anything that a man gives you as enough, even when it’s not. It’s not needy when you lay it out for the man exactly what you expect and deserve and don’t settle for anything less.

Thanks for sharing more about your marriage as I totally understand now how you’ve come to feel this way. I’m sorry that you had to endure that, and of course you had to sacrifice for your sons. You did the best you could in a difficult situation. Your ex sounds like an emotionally abusive narcissist at best and I can see how it left you feeling like your needs weren’t important, and that you should just STFU. I’m so glad to heat that you see now how wrong that was, and how you deserve a whole lot more.

But this kind of conditioning can take a long time to get over, and while you’ve already gone through the step of acknowledging and understanding, it can take being in an actual dating scenario where it does get triggered again to fully resolve and move on. So that’s why here, I think you do have an opportunity to try a different approach and see what the outcome is.

It sounds like the guy you’re currently dating is relatively open to discussion and isn’t just avoidant and running away. He sounds invested enough that I wonder what would happen if you did sit down and talk calmly and openly about these things. As mentioned, often you need the scenario to trigger you to bring this kind of thing to light. That’s not bad, it’s actually an opportunity. So I’m wondering how you’d feel about taking it as such and practicing asking for what you need and want?

Let me know your thoughts!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Chantelle,

Sounds like you are an interesting and passionate person who likes to go for what she wants. That’s admirable! However, you have to also be able to be realistic about what will and won’t work. As Heidi mentioned, you barely know this guy, and from what I’m gathering, it sounds like you’ve only seen each other in person…once? You say that he “pushes all the right buttons with me and the chemistry is right”. Can you tell me more about what you like about him? How does that play out exactly?

To be honest, it’s a big red flag when someone likes someone so much after just one time, and are willing to “get serious”. It makes the person doing that seem desperate and like they have no options and are living in a fantasy world. When a guy comes on like that, I always tell the woman to be careful, take it slow, and get to know him because you have no idea what the person really is like. So in this situation, I have to tell you the same thing. If you keep going on like this, you will scare him away, and rightly so.

It’s fun to feel intense feelings about someone, but you have to recognize that’s all that they are, feelings. And feelings are not necessarily action steps. In terms of action steps and what you should do, I’d say slow down, and really get to know him. Tell me everything that you know about him and let’s see if you truly have any idea who this guy is at all. And then we figure out if there’s something there to pursue, or if it’s just hormones kicking in and driving you batty 😉

xoxo
Spycee

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

It seems to me that you’re concerned about appearing needy, desperate, and/or caring too much, when I think of it as being clear about what you want and need, and sticking up for what you deserve.

The reality is, we all want certain things out of a relationship, and if we are not getting them, what’s the point of sticking around? Too many women are taught that they should just be content with whatever a man is willing to give them, and I don’t subscribe to that line of thinking at all!

I believe that its not only not desperate, but it’s strong and healthy to ask for what we want and need in relationships. That includes indicating to a man how we want to be treated, how much time feels good to us, when and how we want to be contacted, etc. As Heidi mentioned, there’s nothing wrong with telling him, “this is how I want to connect with you after an intense round of sex”. The right kind of men respect women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to speak it. Get what I’m saying?

it sounds like somewhere along the way you learned that your needs were too much, and that havign needs at all was a no no in order to keep a man. Do you know where you may have gotten that idea?

It sounds to me like that story is keeping you from being the fun, confident, and outgoing woman that you can be. So I’d like to see how we can bring that woman out so that she can have everything that she wants and deserves, either it be from this man, or another!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Girl, I’m going to be real with you…I think that you should have whatever experiences you want to have! Safely, of course! Sounds like now is a time of real exploration in your life, and there’s no shame in that. As long as you know what you want, and you understand the risk of any situation that you might get involved with.

For example, what do you want with Paul? Just sx? Go for it! A FWB? Ask him if he’s down with that. See each other 1-2x per week and not see anyone else? I don’t think that’s what you want but if you do, then be clear about it and communicate your needs.
But also know that he is his own person with his own set of wants and needs and once you get involved with any person, you will have to take those into consideration. well, you will if you want to keep interacting with them!

But besides that, it’s just live in the moment, keep your wits about you, relax and have fun!

Any questions? LOL 😀

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

I actually just messaged you on the other thread before I saw this one, so let’s continue that conversation over there!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there lovely,

how are you? So glad to hear that you have met someone that you enjoy connecting with, and that you are having some fun and passion. Good for you! You deserve every good thing that’s coming to you!

It’s funny that you say that about kissing on the first date being a red flag because the way that I see it, if someone does NOT ask for a kiss at the end of a first date, it’s typically indicative that they are just not that interested in you as a potential partner. So while I don’t recommend much more than kissing on first dates (although hey, sometimes it happens!), I am an advocate of a brief kiss to test chemistry, if the feeling and desire is there.

In terms of how long to wait before moving to the next level, it’s like Heidi said…there’s no exact specific formula for each and every person. I do think it’s good to establish a connection with someone before getting in too deep, but I also feel like what’s most important is having a clear conversation with the person about wants, needs, goals, and what the sex means to both of you. Making sure that you’re on the same page with all of these in a really clear and conscious way before going to a more sexual realm is key to having a fulfilling experience that both people will feel good about after.

The thing is, you can never have a do-over of your first experience with someone, so why not make sure that it’s exactly what you want and how you want it? When done consciously in this way, you are setting yourself up for deeper bonding and more connections moving forward, instead of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Sexuality can bring up a lot for people, so being open about all of that will really help in the long run.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! First off, definitely don’t worry about oversharing! We are relationship coaches and have heard it all. I personally have worked specifically as a sex educator and coach, so nothing can shock me. As long as it’s all between consenting adults, I am all good! So please do share the juicy details if you want 🙂

To speak to your situation, it absolutely it emotionally exhausting to deal with someone who is up and down, hot and cold, and who seems to change their tune from one moment to the next. You’re right in that you don’t deserve to be treated poorly, and you have a right to be upset and feel like throwing in the towel and splitting up with this guy, despite the great sex and the deeper connection.

But what I’m wondering from your story is if he is even aware of it, AND if it has anything even to do with you, or if it’s more just about him and how he deals with and processes his emotions. I’m guessing that might be the case, because it doesn’t sound like it’s anything that you’ve done that precipitates it, it just sounds like he gets upset, overwhelmed, etc, and maybe his brain can only process so much information at once. Maybe he’s the kind of person that has a hard time focusing on things that aren’t in front of him. Could be the case, and it could be why he is distant when you’re not together, and then attentive and caring when you are. Have you talked with him about why he is distant, or have either of you acknowledged that this was the case? Sometimes people don’t even realize that because we all have different frequencies that we like to connect at. If someone isn’t told that they aren’t contacting you as often as you like, they will be going based on their own preferences, which may be different than yours.

Either way, you have a right to be treated well and in the way that feels good to you. You don’t have to put up with anything that makes you feel bad, however the only thing that you can change is your involvement in the situation. So if you do want to be with this guy, then you need to communicate with him how you feel, and how his changing emotions affect you. Have you done this? If you haven’t, then you can’t expect him to know, and he may just very well be reacting in a way that he is accustomed to, not realizing how that affects others. I’m not making excused for him, but because I don’t know if you’ve spoken with him about this, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.

So let me know what you are willing to try, and what you have tried. If you feel like the relationship is worth saving and you haven’t expressed any of this to him, having a conversation about it before throwing in the towel may shed some bright light on the situation. If you are done and don’t want to work on it, that’s totally your prerogative as well.

I just want you to recognize that much of this may actually have nothing to do with you, and may be all about how his brain processes info, or how he navigates in the world. Once you know that, it’s up to you and him to see if you can reach an understanding that you both can feel good about, or whether its best to move on.

How does that sound?
xoxo
Spyce

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