[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

Well that happened quickly! That’s the thing…men are like buses. If you miss one, there’s another one coming in 10 minutes!

The video that you’re referring to…you sent to the 24 year old? I don’t necessarily think that there’s anything wrong with that, but you have to know your audience. Honestly he’s probably intimidated. There are not many women like you who are going to meet someone and let them know immediately that they are DTF within the first meeting or two.

There is nothing wrong with what you’re doing, but you have to be clear about what outcomes you’re looking for. The 24 year old is very likely not going to give you the mind-blowing sex that you want. Paul the potential FWB doesn’t sound like he will either. Ricky is definitely not going to, at least not any time soon. The reason why is because the kind of sex that you’re looking for is something that takes a deep connection and lots of trust to develop. It’s extremely rare to meet someone and have amazing sex right off the bat, unless that person is a sexual master themselves. If you’re looking for that, you might actually need to pay for a professional.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve had oodles of incredible sex with men I met in the most innocuous of spaces, but often part of the excitement was based on the facts that they were in the moment kind of experiences. Whether or not they happened again was not guaranteed, and I also experienced a lot of things that were less than stellar.

In terms of power dynamics, that also really requires doing some very deep introspection and being with someone who you can trust implicitly. You don’t want to give yourself over sexually to just anyone, as you can put yourself in danger very easily. You have to find someone tried and true and develop something with them over time in order to have something that’s going to work and be nourishing and not damaging.

So my advice to you is to slow down. I understand the desire to just get railed, believe me, I probably do more than most. And while I want that for you, I also want to make sure that you’re safe, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

What do you think could be a good step forward in this direction without getting yourself in too deep?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

Thanks so much for sharing all of that! Must feel good to put it all out on paper in some sense, right?

So basically what that means is that you are the first person that he connected with after his messy divorce, or practically during! And of course in three years you’ve gotten to know each other very well. You saw the best of each other and the worst, and there was obviously a lot of time and attention that went into the relationship.
You became each other’s best friend, confidante, and person to lean on through all of the bad times, and there certainly have been rough times for all of us these last few years! So it’s no wonder that the two of you bonded, and bonded deeply.

While I can understand how sometimes you meet someone in person and the chemistry doesn’t feel like you think it would, or as you’ve built it up to be. There’s a lot of pressure on a meeting after 3 years of connection, and it’s no wonder that you were nervous. That’s certainly a LOT! Of course you were nervous about how you looked, and not being in the shape that you’d want to be, and not being able to keep up with him physically. It’s ok that you were nervous and that you ran off, but maybe that made him feel insecure? It’s hard to say for sure. I don’t think that you should beat yourself up too much about that part of it.

It still seems to me like the lack of attraction is a lame excuse though, and my money is still on something deeper than that. Yes perhaps on the surface he didn’t feel an immediate punch to the gut, but in reality, that kind of instant chemistry is usually indicative more of a toxic relationship that will end in heartache than a comfortable and healthy relationship with someone that you can grow old with. None of us are young anymore, and even in the best situations, the physical dynamic fades with time and age. It’s rare that a man at 65 is going to care about how much sex he’s having if he’s with someone that he feels loved by and connected to. It’s very shortsighted of anyone to make decisions based on physical attraction alone, but as a society, we are told that that’s what’s the most important, when in reality it’s just not.

But I’m still thinking that it’s more about the fact that he is not really ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone, and if he were to go there with you, it could very well change the wonderful dynamic that you’ve already set up. The one where you basically ARE in a deep and committed relationship, without the confusing aspects of sex thrown into the mix to mess everything up. I have a hunch that’s where his head is at, even if he’s just simplifying it with a lack of attraction.

As to whether or not you should still keep on connecting with him, that’s up to you. But I’d say if he’s your best friend and you really love your connection with him, why stop it now? If he does start dating seriously, that could be a time to re-examine. But for now, it’s all just words, and not very convincing words at that. But really it’s up to you to decide what’s going to work for you.

How are you feeling about this new turn of events, and how is it impacting you in your daily life?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Thank you Laurie! I’m so glad to know that my messages are helping you, and I appreciate your kind words!

It’s not surprising that he’s contacting you, but I also think that it’s important that you give him a final kick to the curb. While I know that you don’t want to have conflict with anyone and you feel ashamed, I would encourage you to nip this man’s contact with you in the bud. First off, you have nothing to be ashamed of, let’s get that clear. But secondly, he doesn’t deserve any of your attention nor to think that everything is ok and that he has the right to contact you casually.

If I were you, I would send him a message with something along these lines:
What you did to me and are doing to all these other women is despicable and sick. I do not want to have anything to do with you. Do not contact me ever again. You are not worth to even be on the same planet as me!

Ok, maybe that last line is a little much but you know what I mean! I want to see you standing up for yourself here and not just letting him think that everything is ok, and that you are a doormat, or ok with how things went down. Say something and then block him.

As mentioned, I think it’s just the way it works that certain kinds of men seem very alluring to strong women. For many years I was fixated on the “Alpha” man. I wanted someone who would walk into a room and take over the space. Someone who was outgoing, assertive, confident, and secure. However, I learned that A doesn’t always mean B and C follow, and that typically the most assertive men of all are the ones who are the least confident and secure. So the men I’ve really had the best relationships with have been the ones who are willing to support me in reaching my highest heights, and maybe they need some support of their own. Men who are vulnerable enough to admit their weaknesses, and strong enough to do something about their insecurities. There were men that I rejected and thought of as weak, that I later came back to and have been the best partners of all.

So when I talk about how you get into a relationship, and how you remain open and receptive to love, it’s really about learning how to read people. Learning how to spot the red flags in others, and recognize in yourself what causes you to react in an unhealthy way. Sometimes there are men that you just have this visceral reaction to. We are taught to think that it’s chemistry and a good thing, but typically we are reacting to trauma that we’ve experienced, or a feeling that we think comes along with that person that we may have wanted but never had. Like passion, security, nurturing, etc. But often times we just think that based on a physiological response, and we jump in before taking a good hard look at who the person actually is, and what are all of their relationships like.

For example, any man who is telling you to lie about your relationship with him, is absolutely lying to you as well. He is a liar. I don’t say this to you to make you feel bad, just to point out how there are so many red flags and once you learn how to pick them out, they will become easier to spot.

And after that, then it’s just the simple part of trusting in yourself as an amazing catch and lovely woman! But I really do think that learning to trust your gut and see the red flags early on is going to help immensely with that.

Do you have any thoughts about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

So here’s the thing: You can be a strong, assertive, independent and powerful woman in your everyday life. And despite that, and likely even because of that, you may want a man to overtake you. You may want a man to throw you down, bend you to his will, and make you into his plaything in the bedroom. To have a man claim you is like being chosen. You can want than in the bedroom, but not necessarily want that in the rest of your relationship with him.

In reality, it’s very common for high achieving women to want men to control us like that sexually because it’s a way for us to have a release from the stresses of our daily lives where we have to be in control and responsible for everything. It can feel so relaxing and nurturing when we get to lie back, and trust a sexy man to take over and make all of our decisions, just for a certain amount of time in a safe environment where there rules have been agreed upon.

If those concepts interest you, I can certainly tell you more as I used to specialize in how to play with power dynamics in a safe and nurturing way, and I’m happy to share.

In terms of what you’re doing with Paul, yes have the conversations and show him how he can please you. Tantra is a lot about being in the energy flow anyway, so maybe teach him how to give you a tantric massage. And if you want sex, then ask for it! There are no rules when you are two consenting adults who are doing this out of your own free will and there’s no money being exchanged!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Misty,

which link are you referring to? The one above seems to be working…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us here on the forum! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this limbo and confusing situation with this man that you’ve been connecting with. Online dating can be so tough!

Let me ask you a question…before the date, did you exchange many pictures? Did you ever video chat? Did you talk about things in a romantic way and express romantic interest in each other? What did you know about his situation, in terms of his ability to date and be in a relationship?

I ask because sometimes people are on dating sites and while they are happy to talk with someone, they are still not really ready to be in a relationship. But they are lonely or stressed and it feels nice to have someone to connect with at the end of the day, and someone to share their hopes and dreams with. But then once the reality of a relationship is there, they get scared and run away. They make excuses as to why, and “I’m not attracted to you” is a painful, yet common one. I think men use it a lot because they feel like the woman can’t argue with that. It’s also easier than looking deep into their own psyche and being really honest with themselves about who and where they are in life.

Obviously he’s attracted to you in some sense, or he wouldn’t want to keep you in his life at all, but his heart not being in it for dating anymore is also a sign. Either a sign of that he’s just not ready for romance at all, or that he’s hiding his true feelings for you because of fear.

Does this make sense to you?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Caroline,

I feel you on this and I so get where you are coming from! I too am a straight shooter, and have had people think I’m being “mean” when I think I’m being funny, or I’m just telling it like it is. I don’t know if you are a native NYer like me, but if so, it kinda just comes with the territory, dontcha think?

I’ve learned over the years that I have to find my people. Because trying to connect with people who are going to be offended by me constantly or think I’m an awful person is not only annoying, it feels pretty sucky as well, and makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you just for being who you are, when that’s not the case at all.

To be honest, your boyfriend sounds like one of those overly sensitive types. Performers, comics, etc…I know them well! It sounds like you might be the kind of person who is naturally in the spotlight because you’re vivacious and interesting, and your confidence draws people to you. There’s probably a level of jealousy there that he hasn’t expressed. The pride thing you mentioned is a huge sign of deep insecurity, which is blasting me in the face when you talk about this guy.

It’s all coming out more now because he is facing things in his own life and he doesn’t like what he sees. It’s definitely a difficult time right now to be trying to make it as a performer of any kind, and the two weeks of quarantine that we all thought was happening is turning into two years and counting. It’s difficult. I agree with Heidi that there is definitely something more going on here for him to hysterically cry for hours like that. Obviously there is more going on in his life that he just isn’t being open about.

I just ultimately wonder if he will ever really be up to your speed, or if you will spend your life trying to make a man-child into a man who has the strength to stand beside you as a true partner…

Side note: If he was paying for an apartment during that whole time, why didn’t he occasionally go stay there and give you space? Or maybe more importantly, why didn’t you ever ask him to?

It sounds like even though you could talk for days on end, there was always a lot that wasn’t being said, and therein lies the crux of the issue. Maybe you were both vaguely lying, pretending to be someway that you’re actually really not in order to be what the other person wants. If you weren’t actually talking about the things that bothered you and only chatting and laughing about the things that you do connect on, that’s not really what we call good communication…Do you think there was any of that going on?

I do understand that you want to reconnect with him. 3.5 years is a good long while to be with someone, and you don’t want to just have that relationship end so abruptly, with no closure.

My approach is always to be open and transparent, and to say the things that everything is thinking and that they don’t say because of fear. I understand that you’re afraid of scaring him off, but from what I can tell, you’re a strong and powerful woman, and you need to be with someone who can not only handle that, but who can delight and relish in it. If he thinks that you’re “mean” for speaking your mind, then he’s not the one for you for the long term. If he’s going to get skittish and run away if you approach him with truth and transparency, then maybe he’s not mature enough to have the kind of healthy and sustainable relationship that it sounds like you want, and could likely have.

But I do appreciate you wanting to at least find out what’s happening, and be able to say to him all the things that need to be said. My opinion is that sooner is better than later because how long do you want to be in limbo. It seems like you know that he has already made up his mind in some sense, so why give him more “time to think”?

Be pushy, it’s actually called being a clear communicator. Tell him that you’d like to meet and discuss your future. That you’re not willing to be in limbo anymore. Let him know that his actions are immature, and that if he wants to keep you even as a friend, he needs to be a man and have a real conversation with you. Tell him how you feel. You’ve been tiptoeing around him long enough. It’s time to grab him by the balls and remind him that he’s got a pair.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

What made the sex with Paul not great and do you think that it could be improved on? I know you said that he didn’t get you off, but unfortunately, not all men know how to do that, and they are afraid to admit that or ask for guidance.

It seems that you are rather assertive, and so perhaps he thinks that if you wanted something a certain way that you’d ask for it. Did you discuss with him that you were disappointed? Is he willing to try and make it better for you?

Yes, sometimes you just have chemistry with people and it’s off the hook from the beginning, but other times it takes a bit of work. That’s not always a bad thing, and if all he needs is a little bit of training, it could be a good tradeoff in the end.

I know you’re really hung up on Ricky, but have you ever thought that he might be so attractive because he doesn’t make himself available and he keeps you wanting and waiting in anticipation?
You also have no way of knowing if the sex with him will be mind-blowing or not. That’s all in fantasy right now where of course it is, but IRL it might not be.

The best sex is when both parties are super engaged in what’s going on. The mind shuts off, and its all about the energies co-mingling. I’m sure it would be super exciting with Ricky because you’re so attracted to him, but don’t let that delude you into thinking it will be the best sex that you’ve ever had if only you could get it. Because unless he is willing to engage and be open, it will not be that great. And I’m sorry to say, but Ricky does not sound like he’s there yet. For a variety of reasons, he is really wanting to take things slow and not get that involved. So it’s difficult to imagine that he would suddenly just give himself over in this mad passionate sexcapade that you’re envisioning. I would love to be wrong tho!

In the meantime, figure out what you want and see if you can ask Paul for it. Just even asking will be a good exercise in and of itself 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Trisha,

Thanks for your message and keeping us in the loop! Wow, a younger man! I feel you on that! I used to date younger men all the time and I’ve advised many a woman over 35-40+ to go younger.

AND, yes this is perfect opportunity for you because here’s the thing about younger men and why I always advise on dating them.

The most consistent feedback I got from younger men on why they were attracted to older women is because they liked how the older women were confident in themselves and would ask for what they wanted. Men in our society are expected to have all the answers when it comes to sex and romance. They are supposed to guide the relationship and most of the time, they are clueless!
Unless a young man was lucky enough to connect with an older woman when he was first discovering his sexual and romantic interests, he is usually terrified and doesn’t know what the heck he is doing.
So when they meet a woman who will unabashedly tell them what they want, it relieves that pressure that they feel of having to have all the answers when they don’t know what is actually going on. Not having to try and read the woman’s mind to get it right is a huge load off that men appreciate. But in a regular dynamic, men don’t feel like they can ask for that. They have to “be the man”. So they do the best that they know how to, and they invariably mess it up.

So that’s why this is an amazing opportunity for you to express yourself to this guy! Also, since you are on the fence about if you want to continue given what you now know, there’s less pressure on you to have a specific outcome. Because if he reacts poorly, then hey, it’s time to move on. But if he reacts positively, maybe there’s a way to move forward.
But either way, you have the chance to practice asking for what you want.

In terms of how to do that and what to say, remember this: You do not have to justify why you want what you want. You don’t have to say, “oh well, my ex did this and so now I feel that way”. It’s totally reasonable to say, “this is what I want and expect from my relationships and the people that I am close to. If it doesn’t work for you, then this won’t work for me.”
Nuff said!

Let me know how this sounds. I really am actually thrilled by this turn of events and think that things couldn’t be any better.
Whether or not you want to be with someone 10 years younger than you for a long term connection is another point for a different message that I’m happy to chat about, but I really am excited for you to move forward in this pivotal direction in your relationship life! Whatever happens moving forward with or without this particular him, there’s room here for a lot of growth, and I’m excited for to take the next step!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jenn!

Aw thanks! I’m glad that my perspective is helping! We can connect out of the forum if you want, but do be advised that this is definitely the most affordable way to chat with me, because one we are connected outside of the forum, I would be charging my regular pricing for video or phone sessions. But if you want to explore that, just let me know!

I love hearing about your relationship with your daughter! She sounds like an incredibly strong little lady, and I’m sure that she must get it from watching her mama. So good for you! You are doing well with her.

Since she is in the thick of things with you, I am going to defer to her opinion and agree that you can do much better. I always say that there’s a reason that an ex is an ex, and unless people have done major work on themselves in the time that they were apart, it’s typically a recipe for disaster to just get back together with someone and assume that things will be different without there being any changes made.

Now I understand that you’re saying that YOU are making changes, and that you see all of the things that you did wrong and you want to try and do them better, but unfortunately he hasn’t come to that realization. But that’s on him, not you.

I know it’s tempting to blame yourself and think that if you were better in some way that he wouldn’t be able to resist and then he would prove his love for you and for your family by working on himself and being the partner that you know that he could be for you, but I’m sorry to say, that’s just not realistic.
For one thing, like I’ve said, it’s not about you. He could worship the ground that you walk on and if he’s not willing to look at his own issues and take steps to change them, no amount of love in the world is going to change that. It’s the sad truth.
For people who are used to covering their sadness with anger, it’s so much easier for them to just walk away to someone new who doesn’t know that about them, and hope and pray that they will “do better this time” or that “it will be different with this person”, but once again, that’s putting the blame outside of himself, and it’s not. This is all about him, and what he’s not facing.

Your daughter is right. It’s only a matter of time before he is going to show his ugly to the new woman because he hasn’t cleared it, he still has it inside of him. Eventually something will trigger it and it will come out. It’s not going to leave until he unpacks it and sorts it out. And no one can do that except for him.

So yes, I really think that you need to start weaning yourself away from him. You need to start imagining a life that only includes him as a friend. Imagine a line where you have a steady partnership that’s full of love, happiness, understanding, and desire. The only reason that you don’t have that is because you’re waiting around to catch the drippings from him, and as your daughter and I agree…YOU CAN DO BETTER!

So what do you think? Do you see any feasible paths moving forward with this in mind?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

How are you feeling now? Any new developments over the weekend?

First off, I just want to encourage you to not feel any shameful or guilty feelings about how you are handling this disconnect. To be fair, he’s not providing you with any support as a partner, and you’re in a place where the relationship is very one-sided, with you putting aside your feelings to be there for him in his time of need.
So if you want to go on Tinder for some distraction, or go out with friends, talk with a counselor (like me), or do whatever you can to get some of the support that he is unable to give, please don’t beat yourself up about that. You are doing the best that you can, and you’re doing a great job taking care of yourself.

That being said, the dynamic does worry me. I get concerned whenever I see a situation where one person (typically the woman) is putting their own needs on the back burner because the other person is “in a bad place”, or “going through something traumatic”, etc, etc. And the reason why I get concerned is because while it could be legitimate that the other person is truly going through something out of the ordinary in their life, it’s typically more indicative of a pattern of behaviour, and that person is always going through something and it never becomes a good time to bring up the other person’s wants and needs.

It sounds like he has a lot of unchecked trauma, so I wonder if this is part of the dynamic with you both and if it wasn’t the court thing, it was his back, or his daughter, or his toxic ex, or something else. Do you see what I am getting at?

You mention that: We understand each other as we have both had trauma based childhoods. That’s both a blessing and a curse I think.

I couldn’t agree more. Because of your own trauma, your pull to empathize and understand him is going to be that much stronger, as will the attraction. You probably feel very comfortable nd drawn to him in a way that you can’t explain, and you feel like you want to help him. As mentioned, you see something in him that you feel like no one else can get, and only you can help him out of it. I gotta tell you girl, that’s a heavy load to carry, AND it’s not yours to pull.

When it comes to your trauma and childhood, where/how did you see that dynamic played out? Was something like that similar in your parental dynamic? Or did you feel like you had to save someone that you loved?

It is a blessing in that its a reflection that can help you understand your own pain, but the curse typically outweighs the blessing, and when people connect over trauma it rarely ends up in a healthy way. Unless…well unless both involved parties are actively working on it.

Which is why I was asking before if he is aware of these things and willing to work on them. Because the only way to be with someone who has this much baggage is if they are willing on their own to unpack it. If so, you can be supportive and engaged. But everyone has to unpack their own baggage…

The thing is, you can’t be in this limbo forever. It’s not healthy for any part of you. Not knowing where things stand will just perpetuate that awful feeling that you have of feeling desperate and needy, which isn’t you. But it’s normal to feel that way when you are a solutions oriented person who is not getting the info that they need.

So eventually, you are going to need to insist on having this discussion because I don’t know that waiting until some nebulous time when all is right in his world is unfortunately ever going to happen…

Thoughts?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

Thanks for sharing that info. It gives me more insight into him for sure.

In terms of the pain meds, I would be suspicious about that. It can be really difficult to get off of them, and people can hide that addiction for a really long time. Someone’s personality changing and becoming more grumpy and disengaged is a sign. But also if he IS in physical pain, that could account for some of that too. I’m not saying that’s what he’s doing, but I would keep an eye out and not rule it out.

You keep repeating this thing that he says about being all in or out, but I think that’s just what he says to throw people all the course because he certainly doesn’t sound that convicted about anything to me. He doesn’t seem like someone who when he decides something sticks to it, although he’d like to believe he is, and certainly wants you to. But look at his history. He’s been and back and forth with a toxic ex since high school. That’s how he knows relationships to be. It just doesn’t sound like he’s had a healthy relationship.
So when someone tries to engage him in one he sabotages it. That’s why he started pointing out all your flaws, trying to convince himself that you’re not enough of this or that, because that’s how he feels within himself. It also sounds like he pushes himself really hard, and people like that have a hard time allowing themselves to truly be happy. So that might be part of the reason for the sabotage too. On a deep level, even if he something of a confident, alpha man, he doesn’t feel that he is enough.

There is a lot going on here, like I’ve said from the beginning, and I guess what I’m wondering now is how aware is he of all of this baggage that he has. Because honey, he may be hot (they always are), the sex is certainly awesome (it always is) but the drama is also high with this one, and you are putting in overtime handing his affairs, in every way. And if he’s not even aware that he’s something of a hot mess, you are in for a boatload of work.
So that’s my next question…

I know that you said that he didn’t ask about how you were the other night at dinner and he’s been immersed in his issues, so how would he respond if you told him all of these things that you are telling me? I mean, I guess first you’d have to get him on the phone, right? But is he aware of any of this, and is he willing to work on these things? Does he realize that he’s been in a series of unhealthy relationships and that this one could be different, or is he just coasting along thinking everything with him is fine?
Therein lies the question, and really all of the difference…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jenn,

I feel for you, lady! Of course you want to make things work for your family! And it sounds like despite everything, you do have a really close relationship, with good and honest communication. While it shouldn’t be the case, it is somewhat rare for ex-partners to have so much affection and transparency with each other. I’m really glad that you have that.

I do agree with you that the relationship with this new woman is likely not going to last long, especially if he is not willing to do any work on his own personal issues. Because I will reiterate once again, his issues are his. They are not about you or your daughter, they are rooted in the ways that he’s learned to cope, or not, and until he works them out for himself, they are going to come to the surface, no matter who he is with.

You don’t want to let him think that you are hanging on a string for him, just waiting around, unless that is absolutely 100% true. Even if it is, it isn’t healthy for either of you to have that dynamic lingering over your relationship.
Obviously he still cares about you a lot, and this new relationship is likely not going to last. But he needs to see you as a priority and not a last resort.

My recommendation would be to let him know that you’re not comfortable with the dynamic, and he needs to either poop or get off the pot. Either he wants to be with you, or he doesn’t. Either he wants to give your family another try, and he’s willing to put in the work, or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, then you will need to act accordingly.
I’m not necessarily telling you to give him an ultimatum, but more to tell him what you feel and what you’re willing to stand for. It’s not fair to you or your daughter for him to be putting you both on the back burner, but still keeping you on the stove for when he wants a snack.

Not that you have to follow through with anything, but maybe activate an online profile, start chatting with some other men, just put yourself out there. Just even the act of doing that might make you start to feel more alive, more alluring. And if he knows that there’s a chance that he might lose you, maybe he will wake up and take a more in depth look at what he has…

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amy,

It does sound confusing and I’m sorry that he’s turned on you like that. You mentioned that he broke his back last year. Is he on painkillers? Or has he been on them and weaning off? Just wondering as I know that those can cause intense mood swings and for people’s personalities to literally change. So that might be something to think about…

In terms of your list of the ways that he doesn’t think that you’re compatible…it does sound rife with contradictions and inconsistencies, and quite frankly, not the words of a very nice or compassionate person.

You’re not driven yet you have your own successful business. That’s not something that most lazy people would have!

You don’t have good life goals because you let your dogs run around your backyard? That’s just utterly ridiculous! Just because your goals differ from his does not make them wrong.

The fact that you’re aware enough to realize that you say “I can’t” when you’re afraid of something or are confused, but then work through it and do it anyway, is stellar and the mark of a truly strong individual. What’s worse is someone who doesn’t talk about it at all because they aren’t even self aware enough, and then doesn’t do anything about it either.

His being hard on you because of physical limitations due to sickness is just frankly, flat out wrong and cruel. I’m sorry that you contracted Covid, and I hope that you continue to get better.

The fishing thing sounds like…well it sounds like he’s fishing! Trying to come up with something negative to focus on.

I hate to say it, but it just sounds like for whatever reason, he is not ready to be in a relationship and rather than just admit to his own shortcomings, he would rather blame things on you and make you wrong and not enough. When in reality, he is giving so little to this relationship, he is lucky that you are still trying to be with him at all.

Which leads me to my next question…why DO you want to be with him at all? What is so great about him? What is it exactly that you have with him that, as you say, you’ve never had with anyone else? Just because something is the best that you’ve had so far, doesn’t mean it’s all that good, or the best you can have.

It sounds like he’s a somewhat miserable and controlling person. If he hasn’t ever had a happy relationship before and this situation with you that sounds stressful and mildly toxic is the best thing he’s been in, that says something about him, that has nothing to do with you.

You sound like a really lovely person. Kind, helpful, intelligent, and dynamic. What are you getting from this relationship? What is this guy bringing to the table that’s enhancing your life?

Let me know your thoughts,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laurie,

So nice to hear from you, even though I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this awful heartache. I can imagine how devastating seeing all that communication with other women must have felt, especially knowing that he was physically with you at the time. It not only feels like a huge betrayal, it really truly is a huge betrayal, and you have every right to feel hurt.

Do you think in any way though it makes it better knowing that he wasn’t talking to just one other woman, but a multitude of them? The reason I say that is if it was just one other woman, it could be easy to feel like the problem truly was with you, that somehow you weren’t enough and that caused him to like someone else better. But in this case, with so many women involved, it’s obvious that it’s not about you or any of the women. It’s all about him and his pursuit.

It’s clear that he is a very damaged man. He obviously can’t have any real connection with anyone, and just endlessly chases after someone new who doesn’t know the truth of who he is, and will just bask in this fantasy that’s nothing more than a very sad lie.

I know that doesn’t necessarily make it any better for you, but I will keep on reminding you that you did nothing wrong. I know that you feel badly that as a strong and independent woman, you were drawn in by this, but please know that you are not alone. It sounds like he targets women exactly like you, probably because it is more of a challenge to him than a woman who makes it obvious that she needs someone.

And to let you know, this is common. I myself have been drawn in by a man like this, and it’s very alluring. Men who prey on confident and powerful women know just how to draw us in, entice us to let down our guards, and fall into the soft place where we all want to feel safe to go to. They lead us to believe that they are a safe person to be vulnerable with, but in reality, they are not, not at all. But this doesn’t make you, or me, or the scores of other women I know who have fallen into this trap any more fierce and incredible. Do not let this experience rob you of any of that. You are human, and you deserve to be loved in the way that he proclaimed to. the fact the he lied to you says so much about him, and literally nothing about you.

The experience that you had with your ex speaks to that very distinctly. The fact that he recognized that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and begged you to come back to him, shows that any of his actions to tell you that he wasn’t in love in the first place was directly on him, and whatever he was going through, and had nothing to do with you. It sounds like that was very affirming at the time, and even though you will likely never get that from this recent man, hopefully just knowing that can reinforce for you that it’s certainly the case.

You are the one that got away, and you are much better for it.

The fact that you’re not inclined to enact revenge says much about your character as well. It shows that you are better than that in many ways. You don’t need to bring him down in order to rise up, you will rise to the top anyway. As a matter of fact, you’ve always been high up there, above him, out of his league.
While I do always like for cheaters and abusers to be exposed, I also appreciate that it doesn’t have to be your responsibility to do so.

Please keep me posted on how things are going for you. I really admire you and want you to continue to remember that none of this is about you. You are a beautiful and wonderful woman who deserves and will find true love.

At some point, let’s talk more about how you get into relationships so that we can develop a plan for you to be able to put yourself out there, without being afraid of repeating a similar experience.

xoxo
Spyce

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