[Coach Spyce]

Ok that’s a good start. So the next question is about the good days…how often were they? And were they something that you could rely on, or did you never know when they would come, or when things would be bad?

It’s difficult to be with someone who has unchecked PTSD, or other kinds of mental health issues. Because as you said, you can’t fix that, only he can. And while it’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to take it out on your partner.
It’s ok to say, “I have trust issues from previous relationships”, but it’s not ok to use that as an excuse for accusing your current partner of things that you are afraid of.

You can hope and pray that he will make the effort to heal, but that’s something that he has to decide to do on his own. It’s not about you, and it doesn’t matter how much he loves you or not. It’s his baggage and he has to unpack it. It’s not your responsibility, and you shouldn’t be thinking about how to do the “right things” so he doesn’t get angry or upset.

It concerns me that he is really irrational when triggered, and says cruel things to try and hurt you. That’s not fair to you at all, and will only eat away at you having a good sense of self esteem.

Four months is not a long time to be with someone, and if he’s already blaming you for so much in his life, it’s only going to get worse. Do you really want that?

You said, I do love and care about him in a way I haven’t about anyone before.

He may be the best that you’ve had, but that doesnt mean he has to be the best you’ll ever have. You have to think about what you want. Do you want to be with someone who will treat you the way that he does?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

That’s good to hear! What do you plan to do to “work on” yourself? Or what you been doing thus far in the realm?

Would love to continue to support you on your journey to health and happiness!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

That totally makes sense and of course you want to feel safe when communicating with someone. The fact that you don’t is a bit of a red flag to me, along with what feels like emotionally abusive texts from him, and a potentially toxic relationship in general.

So my next questions are this: What do you like about him? Why do you want to be with him? What is good about your relationship? How do you feel when you’re with him?

Let’s get clear on what you’re fighting for so you can be really sure that you want to go to that extent.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Megan,

That is a sweet story, and of course would be lovely if it could work out. What I’m seeing as some of the potential issues are due to the fact that so much of this is based in fantasy, nostalgia, and endless longing, and not based in the realities of your actual lives.

You’ve wanted to be together for so many years, since age 5! That’s a lot of pressure to put on the situation now. it feels like it has to work out this way, or this life long dream will have failed. Even though you are not consciously putting that pressure on him, it’s a pressure within the relationship that he is likely feeling.

He sounds like the kind of high achieving person who wants to make sure that everything is done right, and everything is perfect. Ad I’m sure you know, life is full of imperfections, and it’s how we handle and roll with those imperfections that make things work out or not.
It sounds like he is nervous that this won’t work out perfectly, and so therein lies his hesitation in having you move over there.

Also, how long has it been since his divorce? And has he done any work to heal from that situation? It sounds like he was really deeply affected by that loss, and feels very responsible for how it all went down.

I can understand his hesitation then to get deeply involved with someone else, especially if he hasn’t fully healed from that past relationship. And especially with someone who he has such a long history with such as yourself. I’m sure that the last thing he wants to do is feel like he failed with you.

So before he gets deeper with you, he has to reconcile his feelings of failure in his previous marriage. This has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you and how much he loves you, but it can and will affect how much and how quickly he is able to be deeply involved with you.

Is he willing to talk about any of this? Or deal with his past in a healthy and productive way? The thing is that he does have baggage that he is bringing with him to this relationship, and he’s the only one who can unpack it. So he has to be willing to first off recognize that, and then be willing to do something about it.

All that you can do during this process is communicate with him and be loving, caring, and patient. Pushing him and telling him what you need from him is probably not going to work in this scenario as I really believe that he’s terrified of doing this wrong and losing you.

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your question! I’m sorry to hear that things are rocky in your relationship right now. It’s always so tough when we feel like we’ve done something wrong that’s affecting the situation, and we aren’t able to convince the other party to see things our way. I’m sorry that you’re going through that.

There are a few things in your letter though that make me wonder…first off, why was it that you didn’t want to commit for two years? Were there red flags that you saw inherent in the relationship? What gave you pause?
Also, what was it that caused you to change your mind?

You say that he said it was toxic but that you disagree with that observation. What do you feel like are the issues between the two of you?

It sounds like you see a pathway to making this work, so what is that? What would it take? I know that you say that you love each other, but unfortunately, that’s usually not enough to make something work out if there are other insurmountable issues.

So let’s start there and see what we can do to create a way for the two of you to reconnect.
Sound good?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

Thanks for writing in and letting us know how you are doing! So I’m hearing a bit of a mixed message here. You’re saying on one hand that you love this man and want to get back together with him, but it doesn’t sound like you are putting any effort towards that.

What I’m getting from the voicemail that he left is that he feels very betrayed and like you aren’t listening to him, or respecting the sanctity of your relationship. He’s saying that you’re not responding to him, nor giving him the space to connect with you.

Is that true? If so, why not? If you want to get back together with him, then you will have to be willing to communicate with him.

If on the other hand you don’t want to message him or answer his calls, maybe that means that you don’t wan to be with him. If that’s the case, that’s ok too. You are not obligated to be with him, are you?

It’s priority here to determine what you want. if you want to be with him, then you will need to answer the phone and try and have a clear and honest conversation with him. If you don’t feel like that’s possible for whatever reason, you may want to really look at if trying to make it work with him is the best course of action.

Let me know what you’d like the outcome to be here, and then we can further advise you on how to get closer to that.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m glad to hear that things have b een looking up in your communication this week, and hopefully they will continue to improve.

I have a few questions to fully understand your dynamic. First off, I’m curious to know how it is that you’ve known each other for 30 years, and just in the last year have become romantic partners. How did that come about? Were you together before this at any time?

To be fair, the way that people enter a relationship says a lot about how the relationship will/can progress, and what the issues might be from the beginning. Often people just fall into a situation without much in depth conversation about the reality of what that means, and what it looks like for their lives moving forward. You say that your partner is “not a talker” so I wonder how much of that in depth conversation that you had before you transitioned into partnership, and really hashed out what that would mean for both of you.

Also, what has the past been like for both of you in terms of relationships? If he has been single for the last 17 years that he’s been in the military, it could feel like a major undertaking to bring a girlfriend/wife into an already established scenario that he’s already comfortable in. For some people, long distance is easier for them as that way they don’t have to engage as fully, and this seems like this could be the case.
Also as the hero type that wants to provide for you, he’s already expressed that he is anxious about the idea of you coming there and not being happy, and him not being able to provide. It’s likely not so much a financial thing, especially if you can bring your work with you, but more of an emotional dilemma. He probably doesn’t feel like he has the emotional capacity to be a full time partner.

So its more than just giving him the opportunity to be reeled in by engaging his hero instinct, you want to know how to engage him for the long haul, correct? That will take really getting to what’s at the root of him pulling away, what you want, and what he feels like he can give.

I’d like to know more about what those things are, (ie: what do you really want from him?) and then we can come up with a game plan to engage him in a deeper way.

Make sense?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Anna,

Thank you for sharing that, it definitely puts some things in perspective. You’ve come a long way in your sexual healing and that’s wonderful! I totally support you going after what you want in a healthy and positive way. As mentioned, as long as everything is above board, nothing is really off limits!

I’m glad that you like Paul. It sounds like a great situation where you can practice really asking for what you want in a clear and compassionate way. And yes, you don’t have to give negative feedback in order to have something different for the next time. Just mentioning what you would like from him is enough for now. Let’s see how he does with that info! Hopefully he is receptive.

Ricky: off the table, on to the next! I’m glad to see that you don’t get too hung up on people and are able to move on when you learn that the connection isn’t happening. Good for you!

Billy: Is that the friend who knew you for a long time from recovery? I haven’t heard too much about him yet…

Steven: hopefully he heals up quickly! If you’re very attracted to him, that DOES make the build up and the expectation that much more intense. I guess you will just have to see how it goes when you are able to meet up. Just make sure that you are clear in your boundaries before you meet with him. It’s so much easier to hold clear boundaries the more excited we are by someone, and I don’t want you to do something that you feel bad about later (like not using protection with Paul).

So just remember that you and your sexuality are a gift. It’s not a commodity and they have no right to any of you. You can pick or choose what you want to give, how much you want to give, and no one is ever owed anything from you.
Do what you want to do, and ONLY that! If someone doesn’t like that, then they don’t deserve your time and attention!

Keep us in the loop 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Caroline,

I’m just gonna say it, you are a total BAD ASS!! I’m amazed by your incredible strength and maturity in this situation. It’s not at all easy to split up with someone who you’ve been with for so long, and you are really going at it with grace and finesse.
It’s understandable that you blocked him on your phone, and I agree. You don’t owe him access to your life, your time, your insight, your support. And blocking him in social media also seems like really healthy self-care.

I do think that when there isn’t real closure, like there wasn’t in this situation, the person who feels the worst about the breakup does do things to try and stay connected, which is why he’s trying to keep in contact with your people. I’m getting the feeling that he’s regretting that he wasn’t more responsive to you, and I’m pretty sure that he’s not happy that you broke up. I mean, I know that you’re not jumping for joy either, but it sounds like to you it’s more of a relief, and the more that you get way from fhim, the more that you see what a weight he was on you. For him, it’s probably the opposite. The more he is away from you, the more he’s realizing that he’s lost a good thing. But so it is. Hindsight is 20/20 and that’s just the way it goes. Be better or lose out. That’s life. He wasn’t up to your speed and the sooner that you saw that and moved on, the better for both of you really.

So yes, he may reach out to more people because he probably feels really bad about losing you, and we already know his self esteem is in the toilet. He needs to get back on his feet but he doesn’t get your help anymore with that.

In terms of what to do next, it sounds to me like you’re doing really good! Getting out there and spending time with friends, doing the things that you really love to do. What’s especially good after a breakup is to think about all of th4e things that you may not have been doing much of for the last 3.5 years and do them! Whether it was because he didn’t like them, or there wasn’t time or space to, or whatever it was, I’m sure there was at least one thing that you enjoyed that you put on the back burner. So find out what that is, and get back to it!

Whether or not you jump back into the dating pool is dependent on a few factors. There’s the famous saying by the infamous Mae West, “the easiest way to get over one man is to get under another”, and while I appreciate that sentiment, it doesn’t always work out to our benefit.
You seem like a person who gives their all to whatever they do, and so I would hate to see you get involved with another man-child who would suck the vibrancy out of you. So before you get back out there, I’d want you to really take a deep look at who you’re attracted to and why, and make sure that you don’t ever just fall into something, but are always making a conscious choice based on shared goals and lifestyle choices.

I used to do a course called Break Up Bootcamp. It was a sister course to my Love Cleansing Bootcamp. In both of these courses we really looked deeply at what we are attracted to, and what we were actually looking for or wanting. Sometimes the two are very different. But we allow ourselves to “fall in love” based on emotions, and not on rational thought. So that’s what I’d recommend. Do a deep dive on all of those concepts, and report back!

How does that sound?

Rooting for you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

I hope that you had a nice weekend! Yes, you are very perceptive, have you been told that before? I just want to let you know that you are not average in that area, so if no one ever told you that, now you know!

Thank you for sharing all of that about your previous relationship. I am so so sorry to hear that you and your sons went through all of that, and I am now even more impressed by your calm and rational behaviour given such an intense and toxic past situation. I also want you to know that I would never think “why didn’t she realize it?” or blame you in any way. You are the victim here of two very depraved people. There’s no way that anyone could expect that you would know, or even suspect. Why would you think that someone who claims to love you, the father of your children, along with a long term friend, would join forces to betray you so viciously? Only psychotic people think that way.

I am so glad that you have gotten out of that and are regaining your life back. You have obviously worked very hard to move forward while caring for your children, and I really commend you for that. You are a very strong person, and you deserve to be rewarded for everything that you’ve done. Of course personal development is a lifelong process that we all are constantly striving with (at least hopefully most of us are) but it sounds like you’ve come really far in the past three years especially.

But I can understand being nervous about meeting up with someone new who you had put so much time already into getting to know. However, I just don’t want you beating yourself up over it! Yes, be inspired to make positive changes for you, but don’t make yourself feel too bad, or that your success in life hinges on this potential relationship with Sean. Because in reality, he may not be the one. And if he’s not, it’s because there’s someone else out there who is better suited for you.

Certainly the fear is there for him because of his past, that makes total sense. He wants to know that whoever he is with is really the person he wants to be with in the long haul. I’m sure it also doesn’t help that you are the first person to connect with since his separation/divorce, so he may feel like he hasn’t had time to “play the field” and he’s just going with the first thing that dropped in his lap, which seems a bit similar to what he’s done.
Him going on about the incompatibilities of senses of humor is rather ridiculous, but you know that it’s just his fear talking, and him looking for a reason to mess things up. But all you can do right now is what you are doing. Being patient, being kind as you’ve been, being communicative and open about your feelings, and waiting to see what happens.

BUT, don’t wait too long! And don’t put anything in your life on hold while you do. There’s no reason to put all of your eggs into his basket, although it seems like he might be pretty upset if you took any eggs out! So if he does express that, you will then have to have the heart to heart as you do not deserve to be in limbo while he figures out what he wants, or gets over his fear, or deals with whatever is getting in the way of him wanting to keep this to a platonic level. If what you’re truly looking for is a relationship, then at a certain point you will want to cut your losses and move on if he’s not giving you that. However, if what you’re really wanting right now is a relationship with him, you will want to really go deeper with him on what’s going on, and see what’s feasible.

Make sense?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

I’m sorry that you feel judged. That is never our intention. Heidi and I are only here to help you get what you want in a way that’s going to be fulfilling and satisfying, with the least heartbreak possible.

Sexual exploration is fun, and has the ability to be all of the things that you described. It can make you feel powerful, sexy, special, cared for, free, beautiful, in control, out of control, connected and alive. AND, it can also make you feel all of the opposite, and even be dangerous. So HOW you explore is really important.

Believe me, I totally relate. As mentioned, not only was I specifically a sex coach working in the field of kink and alternative relationships, I have had many of my own personal experiences before, during, and after that time. I have experienced the healing properties of sex, as well as the harmful. To be honest, I love what you’re doing on many levels. We just want to help you hone in on what you want so that way you can get it, in a healthy and fulfilling way.

One of my mentors is Annie Sprinkle. She was a porn star in the 70’s and then she became a feminist porn producer and director. She coined the term “Metamorphasexual” and I’ve always related to that. Basically she’s saying that as we sexually explore, we sexually evolve as well. Sometimes you don’t know that you want something until get it, or until you don’t get it, and that’s ok. Trying new things is great, and enlightening. We all have bodies and the ability to experience immense sexual pleasure. Delving deep into that is not an issue. But it can become an issue and an addiction if we are constantly seeking the next thrill and never getting satisfied.

I’m glad that you’ve found a willing partner who wants to go on this journey with you, and I’m sure that you will find others. Be safe, and be good to yourself. Think deeply, but don’t think yourself into a corner. Focus less on who this person is to you and more on the experience as it sounds like that’s more vibrant to you right now.

We are here. Never to judge, but to help guide you through the process so you can have all the hot sex you want, without the pitfalls!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

Well I do want to let you know that I think that you sound very healthy and well put together about it all. It’s nice that you’re steering the ship so to speak a bit more than women are taught to, and then some women do, as I think that always makes for a better outcome.
And it sounds like if you left it up to him, the ship might never even leave the dock!

Now that you’re telling me more about experience with his past relationships, and/or lack of it, much of what we have been thinking makes sense. I do think that he might be afraid of rejection, and felt like better to just not go there with you than to risk being rejected. He probably felt rejected on the date because you were not your usual self, and he may have felt like it was due to him. That you weren’t attracted to him and so better for him to say it before you did.

Whatever the specifics, I definitely feel like it’s fear that’s stopping him and not an attraction level. A man doesn’t act like he does with you without wanting to be involved with you. If he was really gone for good, he wouldn’t be making all the effort he is.

But I agree. Let the dust settle a little. Let yourselves get back into your normal rhythms of connection, and wait until things are running smoothly again to have deeper discussions about it. And in the meantime, focus on your own inner work.

So speaking of, let’s talk a bit about you.

Maybe I’m reading you wrong but you sound like a relatively confident person, so I’m wondering what made you so nervous before the date with him? And what do you think you were lacking in confidence specifically in that situation?
I know quite a bit about him, but what have your previous relationships been like?
I know you’ve been divorced “a long time” but what has your life been like in that regard? what was your marriage like?

I’d love to learn more about you so I can really be helpful in navigating through this situation.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Catherine,

Yes it does seem like there are some subtle differences and I wonder how he might react if he felt you pulling away?
I also am one who is all bout speaking their mind and putting it all out there, and especially in a case like this, what do you have to lose? And you’ve had such great communication with him for the past 3 years, so maybe just put it all out there?

How would you feel about talking with him in a very open manner in how you’ve been talking to me?

Reminding him of how he’s said that he’s the kind of person who wants someone who he can grow old with, and how the mental connection like you have together is the most important one. Mention about how often the relationships where there’s an immediate physical attraction are the ones that are the most toxic, and rarely last, like the relationship he was already in.
Point out to him that as much as you value him as a friend and a companion, you can feel him pulling away, and that you think it’s a damn shame to give up something with real value that you’ve been building for the last three years.

Be clear with him that you think the “lack of attraction” is an excuse. Ask him to explain to you in depth what the issue really is. As you said, you’re not a hag, you’re better looking than he is! What is actually stopping him from letting himself go to a deeper place with you? What is the real fear that’s holding him back?

Let me know if you’re willing to have a discussion like this with him. I do think that it could be meaningful and reveal some answers. Most men have never had a woman that they are intimately involved with (and you are intimately involved, even if it’s not “romantic” at this point) really ask them these deep kinds of questions because the women are afraid of scaring off the men, but I think when women do, the men (if they are worth their weight in salt) appreciate the confidence that it takes for a woman to do that, and it actually can bring you closer.

How does that sound to you?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

That is all spot on! I think the real question is this tho…how are things different now that you’re “just friends”? You’ve basically been in this same pattern for the last few years of being close, talking daily, etc, etc.

So how is anything actually different since the in person date?

[Coach Spyce]

Wow, CONGRATS!!! I know that it’s hard, and I know that you feel sad and I’m sure in a state of shock, but GOOD FOR YOU for asking for what you need, in a clear and healthy way.
It sounds like that has NOT been the dynamic between the two of you at all, and this is a really great step in your own personal development.

You are right, he’s not a mature person, and he’s been blaming his lack of whatever on you. Trying to break you down because he feels bad about himself and where he’s at in life. You were a great partner, a wonderful friend, and his biggest fan, and he’s too insecure to realize all that you did for the relationship. His loss, his loss!

It definitely sounds like he’s a poor communicator because even in what you were just telling me, I had to go back to the conversation to the park to see what all he had said. And still I was like, wait! What exactly did he say? There was never actually any real reasons given other than to say that it was the “Caroline show”. Sorry if that show is more exciting to people, buddy! You can’t help it if you’re just that much cooler than him…
he never took responsibility for anything, but it was apparent that you were “too much” for him. Whenever I hear someone say that I, or another fabulous woman is too much, what I hear is: I am not enough.
And that’s the crux of it. He is not enough. He is not mature enough, man enough, dynamic enough, communicative enough, strong enough, etc to be with someone as high quality as you.

I know that it still hurts and I want to address your last sentence: I just can’t believe the person I thought I loved would do this to me.

It’s not about you. It’s about him. You did nothing wrong. He doesn’t know how to love, but that’s not on you. That’s no indication of your loveableness/loveability (I know neither of those are a word!). It’s purely about that he is not secure enough in himself to be able to truly give over to loving you the way that you could him. I’m sorry that you feel shattered. But I hope that you will soon come to feel much lighter without this weight of him around your neck. Honestly he sounds exhausting. I don’t know how you did it for all that time…

You will heal and you will move on. You will find someone better and more up to your speed and you will pity this man. You will definitely be the one that got away, but cest la vie.

Life will be good to you, I can feel it! Please let me know how I can help in the meantime. Anything for another awesome New York chica!

xoxo
Spyce

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