[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Well it was actually me, Spyce who sent that last message, but it’s ok! We are both here for you, supporting you to live your best life.
And it sounds like that’s your goal as well, so maybe we are all on the same page!

It sounds like there’s some relief at work, so at least that’s good for whatever time left you have to be there. As you mentioned, work is your social life as well, so at least if it’s more enjoyable and tolerable, that’s better, even if it’s not your forever job! I’m glad that you are still motivated to get a job back home, but at least this way you won’t be suffering until that happens!

It’s interesting how one person can change the vibe of a workplace so much, but so it is! Glad that you’re feeling more rejuvenated and less agitated by the whole situation!

Did you have a fun weekend? I know that you always manage to find some fun wherever you go, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this weekend was no different 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum! I’m so sorry to hear that your partner is dealing with grief, and that you are having to deal with the fallback of that.

Grief can be really difficult. It comes in waves and is very hard to predict. It can make you feel like not reaching out to the ones that you need most, and just like isolating, as you said that he’s doing. Just so you know, his response is normal, and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how he feels about you.

If he lost someone close, or is dealing with another kind of loss, it can just be very hard to feel like yourself, or even a fraction of that person, and it can feel so overwhelming to connect to others, even if they are dear and loved.

What you have to do is try and not take it personally. I know that it’s difficult, but recognize that what he is going through is not about you, and whoever the other person is. Is that a child? You mentioned us…I know it’s so hard, but just keep reaching out consistently, and let him know that you’re not angry or disappointed, but that you are just there, whenever he needs you.

Does this feel like something that you could do?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

I just answered you in the other thread 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lucinda,

Thanks for sharing your story with the forum, and welcome! So let’s clarify a couple of things here…

You have been dating a man for a few months who has only been divorced for a little more than a year. That’s a very short amount of time for someone to be single after splitting up from a marriage.
You have not been exclusive, so that implies to me that it’s been pretty casual and he’s not looking for commitment.
We’ve been in a pandemic, when some of us had a lot more time and were also not wanting to connect with too many people, so it became simpler to just date someone that you perhaps didn’t see a future with.

He came to you and let you know very clearly that he’s not in a place to date and be a partner, as he needs to work on himself. If I was his coach, I’d say good for you! Dating immediately after the end of a relationship is not a super healthy choice.

So to me, this doesn’t sound like a man that I would recommend waiting around for. I’m curious why you would want to? Did something happen that made you go from “We both were still dating others, which neither of us had an issue with” to he’s my one true love?
What exactly is he giving you that you can’t get from someone who is actually ready and willing to be in a relationship?

I’m also confused…are you ready and available for a relationship? Is that what you’re even looking for?

Please tell us more so that way we can be more helpful!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

It sounds like you’re developing some really healthy ways of thinking about things and that’s great! Absolutely forgiving yourself for your humanity is key. while I won’t sugarcoat it and say that you did absolutely nothing wrong with your old friend, I will say that life is imperfect and flawed, and us humans are imperfect and flawed. we do our best, and eventually our best has to be good enough. Admitting where we messed up and allowing ourselves forgiveness and learning from our mistakes is often all that we can do to move forward. I’m glad that you’re feeling closer to that everyday! What else do yo think that you need to fully jump over the edge with that?

Of course it’s difficult to pull back from connecting when he goes a bit radio silent as it’s a natural fear that his silence is due to something that you’ve done, and so you feel that you can then do something to get him talking again. But really getting clear on the fact that he is going through something completely outside of you can help, not only you, but him as well. Because in those moments, your contact is not what he needs. It just puts more pressure on him to take care of you, as that’s his pattern. So you are definitely being kinder and more compassionate to him by allowing him to go through whatever he is going and giving him the space to do so, without letting your insecurities get in the way. He will thank you for it!

And just to point out, don’t compare your relationship to how he behaved with his ex wife. After all, whatever he did with her didn’t work, which is why she is an ex. Him doing things differently with you speaks to his growth and desire to not let this relationship go up in flames.

In terms of a game plan, I’d say set up some support systems outside of him for that time. Look into some other things to do besides just sitting around waiting for him. There may ne times when he needs to work and take care of things, and you want him to feel that he has the spaciousness to do that, and that you can take care of yourself. His desires to take care of everything comes from his wounding, and the less he does it, the more free he will feel with you, and ultimately, the healthier and happier your relationship will be!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda!

Well of course you thrive in positivity! What human doesn’t? Hey, even animals do! Basically anyone who has feelings will react better when they feel like they are being appreciated for their good qualities as opposed to being beaten down for where they struggle. It also has sounded like that wasn’t the dynamic in your childhood, or your marriage for that matter, so what I’d love to see for you is breaking of that cycle. Which goes back to being in a positive working environment and feeling appreciated for the high quality work that you do. I’m holding out that vision for you for sure!

Because even with Andrew gone, the core issues still remain, and you’re still far from home living someplace that you’re not happy. and subsequently not thriving in your personal life. Which dare I say is more important than work? So i hope that you won’t get complacent if some of these changes happen. But we will cross that bridge when we com e to it, and Heidi and I will be here to pull you across if you start to waffle.

Oh good! I’m glad that you’re open to the younger man thing. I just really think that when you’re someone who is vibrant and active, it’s best to be with someone who is also vibrant and active, or essentially someone who matches your energy. There’s nothing worse than wanting to go on an adventure and your partner is just sitting like a couch potato! I can’t imagine you being happy with someone like that! And since you’ve been waiting so long to find someone that you connect with, when you do, you want to be fully connected. Now who knows? That could happen with someone your age, but it’s just good to be open to possibilities!

I hope you have some fun plans for this weekend and you are able to get out there a bit and enjoy life.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

That’s great to hear that you are reaching out and making strides in trying to get out of an unhappy situation and into something where you can be challenged and appreciated. Since your work life is very much of a part of how you spend a good chunk of your time, it’s so important to be happy there. It sounds like you have some opportunities to find something that will be fulfilling and that’s really great!
I mean, even if you have to wait a few months, that’s way better than sticking it out in a place that you hate for a year. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

And certainly you could get a date! After all, you’re fun, adventurous, a great conversationalist, and you know how to connect with people. The guy on the plane certainly isn’t an anomaly, and whether or not he personally is too young for you, there are others who are just right. I know that I’ve told you to think about dating younger, and while I agree that maybe over 10 years or so is a bit much, you just never really know. Either way, it feels good to have positive attention for sure, and to know that others enjoy your company. But as mentioned, I don’t think that’s in question. I know that you feel bored and lonely at times, but you really do make the best of every situation, and that’s a wonderful quality to have.

What a cool idea for a business! Taking your love of pets, people, and photography and melding them together to give people something that will really thrill them. That’s awesome!
I will not be surprised if it takes off. You have the right attitude to be successful at anything that you put your mind to.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello!

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going with you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there!

How are you? Haven’t heard from you in a bit so just wanted to check in and see if there were any new developments in your romantic life.

Keep us in the loop!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Anna,

How are you? I just wanted to check in and see how things are going with your sexploration!

Give us an update 😉

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Caroline,

How are you? Just wanted to check in and see how you’re holding up and if there have been any new developments.

Hope you’re well!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

How are things going? Thanks for sharing that about your previous “situationship”, so to speak. Sounds like it was really disappointing to have that happen with someone who you felt really connected to and comfortable with. It must have felt like a betrayal!

I mean, first off he initiates and pursues moving the relationship to a romantic level, which already is a very dicey thing to do, especially since he was already engaged. Then he drops the relationship once things get weird, which obviously they were going to. It must have hurt that he wasn’t willing to fight for the friendship, and instead made it all your fault for being “needy” or whatever. That sucks and men often do that when they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. They blame the woman for having an honest discussion when in reality, it takes two to tango, and he more than led this dance! I’m sorry that happened.

While I know that this past situation makes you anxious now, I do just want to point out how different your current relationship is. First off, you are in a real relationship with someone who is not lying about you and actively wants to be with you. Of course no one is perfect, but to be honest, it sounds like he’s someone who is at least aware of his issues and is willing, if hesitant, to work on them. That’s really a step in the right direction!

So what you can do, is to continue what you are doing now. Becoming aware of your emotions and why you’re doing what you do, and take responsibility for what’s yours. Not blaming him or trying to make him be in charge of your happiness and anxiety. Recognizing that this is your stuff, and not making him have to change his behaviour in order to make you feel better. Of course there is some of that needed in a healthy relationship, but as of now, it doesn’t sound like he is really doing much to cause the anxiety, and it’s more based on the past.

Honestly girl, I think you’re doing well! Really exciting to hear that you have a date of when you’re going to Germany! I think that hopeful trepidation is a super accurate description of the most normal feelings that you could be having!

What is your plan for being there? Will you stay with him? Will he have time off? Tell me more! Let’s set you up for success 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Wow, sounds like a lot of fun! Very adventurous and way to put yourself out there. And obviously you have a very active social life, or at least the ability to have one when you are home.

I have to say, I think your main issue is your job, or maybe rather your commitment to staying with something that doesn’t serve you. As much as it’s admirable that you don’t want to be thought of as someone who will leave a job, I personally would think that it’s a good quality to be a person who doesn’t stick with something where they are miserable. Self care is very important, and more and more people are starting to realize how vital it is to be good to ourselves.

You only have one life. Not to be crass, but anyone of us could die tomorrow. Why put off doing what you want in life for some sense of obligation? And to be frank, no one is putting that on you besides you. That’s the good news! The reason why it’s good is because you are in charge of your own life, and so this is an issue that you can actually change if you want to. That’s the thing…if you want to. You have to decide what’s more important to you.

I was just talking with someone today who is contemplating moving who said, “wherever you go, there you are”, and I’ve heard that a lot from people who are not happy where they are, and are trying to justify it. In reality, I don’t think that’s totally true. Yes, deep personal issues are things that you need to work on wherever you are in the world, but it’s also true that there are different opportunities, and a different flavor and culture in different spots. People go to a place for a certain thing, so it would be ignorant to think that every place is the same.

Obviously you’re experiencing that fact!

So I’m just encouraging you to go for what you want, instead of limiting yourself based on what others might think of you, or the expectations you assume others have. I know that your mom was very hardon you and I’m sure that’s where this feeling comes from, but you are a grown woman and you don’t have to live by anyone else’s rules but your own. AND, you get to make up what those will be!

Anyway, here’s to you being happy and fulfilled. That’s what I want to see for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

It’s really great that you can look honestly at yourself and your own insecurities and take responsibilities where things may be falling short in the relationship. That says a lot and it sounds like he appreciates it as well.

Even though he’s a person who wants to be in control and expresses his love through caring for others, that’s still a potentially unhealthy and taxing pattern of behaviour, and it does get tiring. I’m sure that having someone in his life who he can relax into knowing that they can hold things together themselves on some level is a huge relief to him, and ultimately what will be the most healthy partner for him.

It sounds like you have that ability, and you just need to hone in on that. What’s been happening recently to make you feel needy and insecure? Is it because of his hesitation to have you join him or is it something else?
As you’ve witnessed, that very thing is probably a large part of what is making him hesitant. A real catch-22!

So continuing to be positive and recognize that whatever he is going through is not an indication of a lack of love or desire for you but something internal in himself, will really help the relationship to prosper.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

It’s been a while since I said hi so I figured I’d jump in and say hello, see how things are doing!

Sounds like things are still stressful at work and that you’d prefer to be back at home. Sorry to hear that! Is there an end in sight at all? I know you had mentioned that things might change towards the end of the year. Is that still looking realistic at all? I’m hoping so! I know how much you really want to get out of there, and it sounds like from your most recent message that things have gotten worse in that arena, not better. I’m so sorry 🙁

But of course you are making the best of things, as per usual. There are so many people that left the sufferings of life take over and bring them down, but you always seem to be able to find a way to have a silver lining. I like that about you, and I’m sure many others in your life do too! You are realistic and optimistic, which is a great attitude to have.

Sounds like you are headed off for a fun weekend. That should be great! I’ll look forward to hearing how things went on Monday 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

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