[Coach Spyce]

Hi Miranda,

Thanks for your message and welcome to the forum! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this. It’s always so difficult when someone won’t communicate, and it really hurts when they make a promise to not pull away and then do.

Unfortunately, many men are jus not taught how to deal with negative and hurt emotions, and so they go silent instead at looking deeply a what they are doing, or asking and reaching out for help. They will just “deal with it on their own” or simply not deal with it at all. It sounds like he typically doesn’t deal well with his emotions, and if he’s feeling lost and confused about his identity, he may not feel able to be the partner for you that you want and deserve.

How long have you been together? How has your communication been up until recently? Was there anything in particular that happened that you can point to as potentially causing him to start pulling away?

You said, “what if he’s with another girl”, which makes me wonder…why do you think that would be the case? Has he cheated on you in the past? Is there some other reason what you’d think that he was being unfaithful as opposed to just being unhappy in his own life?

Looking forward to hearing back from you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for sharing more details! Unfortunately the honest truth is that you just really don’t know each other well enough, because you haven’t had much daily interaction. There is something very different between seeing someone every 6 months for 3-4 weeks, and being with them 24/7 in a committed marriage situation. Most of the time, I wouldn’t recommend that anyone even move in together until they’ve been in a relationship for at least 6+ months, and marriage not until after 2 years. it really does take that much time to get to know someone. You just can’t fastrack that kind of connection. When you do, you are asking for disaster…

You ask if there is any hope, but I think the real question is more about if this is really the guy for you. Is this really the person that you wan to fight for? What do you like about him as a person? How do you feel when you are with him? What do you get our of being with him? How does your connection with him enhance your life?

Asking yourself these questions will give us more insight into whether or not he’s really the person that you think he is, and if you want to move forward with trying to have him in your life.

Make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Well I must say that you are making a very wise choice, even though it’s so difficult to do so. At the end of the day, you need to take care of your own heart and well being. As much as you care about him, and as much as he is going through a hard time, there is only so much that you can do to be understanding. If he just won’t let you in, you can’t break down the door trying to gain entry.

You’re a grown woman and he’s a grown man. At a certain point he needs to make the decision if he’s going to allow this time to be different, and be grateful that he has someone who is willing to stick with him during this tough time, or if he’s going to throw it all away because of his fear. Life is short in general, and when you’re staring down the barrel of illness, it is even that much more uncertain. It’s too bad that he’s not willing to live everyday like it’s his last, but if he’s not going to, there’s not much more that you can do. I certainly think that you gave it your all.

Beautiful, sweet, kind, and compassionate letter. This man is very blessed to have met you, and even if it’s only to have received and shared in the love that you did for that short amount of time, it’s still worth multitudes.

In the meantime, take care of you. What are some things that you can do for yourself in the coming days, weeks, and months to ensure that you are feeling good about life and what you’re up to? You mentioned childhood abandonment issues, and what you’re experiencing is strenuous, don’t deny yourself that. And don’t deny yourself the care and comfort that you were offering up to him. You deserve it tenfold!

You made a strong choice, but not an easy one, and I want to make sure that you are treating yourself with kid gloves, and all of the kindness and compassion that you deserve.

Lots of love,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Helena,

That is true, and of course men or nobody is perfect anyway. However, you can find someone that is perfect for you, and that is dependent upon many things.

How you got into the relationship in the first place…did you “fall in love” and just end up together, or did you make a conscious choice based on similar desires, interests, etc?

The health of your relationship:
As Heidi asked…how happy were you together? Did you fight? Did you have the same goals in life?

Just being in a relationship with someone does not mean that its at all the right situation or that it will last. You need compatibility in many areas to really sustain a healthy long term relationship.

Can you elaborate more on how things were with you so that way we can help you navigate?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story! It certainly can feel devastating when something feels like it just changes like that, especially when you’ve had so little time to actually work on it. I can understand feeling really down about it.

So before we determine if there’s hope for you all, I’d appreciate if you could provide more clarifying ingo. I guess what I’m wondering if how much time you’ve actually spent together with your husband in the years that you’ve known each other. How and where did you meet?

You say that you were long distance for two years before getting married, and then continued to be long distance for another year? I guess i’m just wondering when you actually had time to be together and to get to know each other on a deep and intimate level…

If almost all of the time that you’ve been with each other has had a level of “vacation” or being away from your normal lives, it’s hard to say that you really actually knew each other. And so when you finally did get together, you had to learn about who the other person really was, and how was that experience?
It seems like a lot of pressure to suddenly be living with a spouse who you have had so little contact with for years on end.

Correct me if I’m interpreting this wrong, but that’s how it’s sounding to me.

Looking forward to learning more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

That’s funny! Why would you think that I’m a man?! I will admit that I am a very strong and assertive woman who has never felt like they have to subscribe to traditional gender norms, especially when it comes to relationships. I am definitely very emotional and sentimental, but I don’t buy into the whole “men are from mars, women are from venus” thing. I find that to be just something that is ingrained in people, but has very little to do with biology.
I do believe in rational thought, which at time has had people peg me as more masculine, and this isn’t the first time I’ve been mistaken for a man through an online forum!
But I’m still curious as to what made you in particular think that.

I just want to say how deeply I feel for you in this. It’s just the worst to watch someone that you love go through illness. And as mortal humans, there’s nothing that any of us can do. It’s so devastating. I am a very proactive person (maybe that’s the masculine side again!) and very solution oriented. It has been difficult for me as well when there are issues of life, birth, and death that I just can’t solve.

I’m just so sorry for your pain, and for his diagnosis and the suffering he is going through. You must be so on edge waiting for the phone calls, hanging on hoping for good news. But it also sounds like all hope is not lost and that there is potentially good news, yes? He has not been told that the cancer is back for sure, has he?
I know it’s hard to remember and maybe it can sound trite when you’re in a situation like this, but there is still hope and potential for healing and wellness. Of course it’s mired in fear, but you must keep holding on to that, even if he can’t.

I agree that he’s likely not in a place right now where he can take stock of your feelings and do anything different than what he’s doing, so while it would be nice to let him know what’s going on for you, my fear is that it could cause him to feel more pressured, and pull away more.

I would only suggest that you keep reaching out, and also look into support. But in reality, you can’t continue on like this forever, and at some point you may need to let go, and move on with your life. If he goes to Florida for a few months, where will that leave your relationship? I would hate to see you hanging on for something that may unfortunately no longer be the thing that it once was.

But that’s not necessarily where you are yet. For now, let’s keep praying to Papa (I love that as I called my own father Papa, who is now passed. He is the main person in my life that I watched suffering before he died, so it resonates with me) and keeping your love in your mind’s eye as healthy and well.

Sending so much love,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

So a lot of women write into this forum because they are with men who they are not sure want to be with them. From reading your emails, I definitely don’t think that’s the case at all. As a matter of fact, I think that he desperately wants to be with you but is terrified, and legitimately so.

After all, dealing with an intense diagnosis like this is never easy, and being that he has a history of being left by his wife when being in one of the most spots of his life…well he’s nervous to rely on anyone he cares about.

Your relationship is also not that old and hasn’t withstood the test of time. It’s obvious that he is pulling away to not overwhelm and scare you away. And despite whatever you tell him, he is not secure in the fact that you want to stay, and that you will stay as things progress.

So I think what you’re focusing on is great. Continuing to reach out and be there for him. And yes, letting him know what your needs are. Let him know that you’re not going anywhere, but these are some things that you need in the situation.

Like you want to be able to be more involved, to be a part of his appointments, to be there for him and with him. Acknowledge that you know that he must be terrified in general, and terrified that you will leave him. Comfort him with the fact that you’re not going anywhere, but being open about what you need to feel ok in the relationship.

Let us know how it all goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

I totally just want to keep on pointing out the fact that no matter what, you are not to blame in any of this. You didn’t know that this was such an issue for him, and as mentioned, it’s entirely his issue that’s not exactly rational.
While we can all agree that it could make someone feel a bit uncomfortable and triggered, to let that discomfort rule your life and affect your ability to have a wonderful relationship is just wrong and ridiculous.
So hopefully he can recognize this and start making some changes soon so he doesn’t lose out on a really wonderful opportunity with you.

I agree that a some point you should reach back out, but only if it will help you with your own closure. You continuing to try and convince him of anything is a moot point, and you don’t need to stand up for anything because you did nothing wrong. He has to be the one to recognize that he’s overreacting and that he’s going to miss out on a good thing. I don’t know that there’s much else that you can do to show him that…

Hopefully he will have some time to think and he will realize how immature he is being, but even if he doesn’t, the best thing that you can do is to remember that you’re not broken, and that you are a good catch. If it doesn’t work out with him, you have to be able to see the blessing in this.

Of course, I am willing to help however you like, and if you want to write to him, I will absolutely brainstorm and draft up whatever.

Just let me know,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Sorry to hear that your messages weren’t going through! We’ve got this one now though!

I agree that talking too much about how things were in a time when he’s dealing with really heavy things could have the opposite effect and make him feel bad about where he is now, as opposed to where he was when you first met.
I don’t know that it’s imperative now to ensure him why you’re with him as much as it is to just be there for him, however you can.

The issue is that when people are dealing with grief and fear, they often don’t know what they need, and so when someone asks “how can I support you”, it can feel like work to have to come up with an answer. So it’s easier to just pull away and not respond.

I think you just might have to use your intuition on this one. Keep reaching out, and don’t take it personally when he doesn’t respond. Just do the things for him that you want to do, and don’t be too attached to the outcome. Maybe just show up on his doorstep with food or something that you know that he likes. Keep checking in, and maybe soon he will know what he needs.

What did you think about the voice memo idea? Many people I know love those as a way to feel close.

Also, there might be some support groups either through the hospital or some local organizations that can help you with this. People who are supporting loved ones who are ill and that kind of thing. It’s definitely a tough situation, and I’d like to see you getting some support as well while you navigate how best to be there for him.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Good to hear back from you! So let’s break this down. You wonder if you could have done some things differently. Let’s imagine you had from the very beginning said to him, “hey look, I just wanted to let you know before we go any further, that many years ago on a drunken occasion, I hooked up with your brother”. To me, that sounds silly.
Because the thing is, it’s not your issue, it’s of so little importance to you, so why would you have thought of telling him that?
Did you know that he had this intense issue with his brother sleeping with people that he liked beforehand? If so, then sure, maybe you could have. But the real question is, would it have elicited a different result? Would it have made a difference? Or would it just have caused this great connection you have to never have been explored at all?

I am well aware that nagging Matt about this is only going to push him away more and I think it probably already has a bit, but I am not satisfied with the way he ended things so abruptly.
You have every right to not be satisfied and to want answers. Because of his reaction, you are being treated like you’ve done something wrong, and it sounds like you’re taking on that burden as well. But in reality, you did absolutely nothing wrong! I understand that he’s hurt and triggered, but it’s infantile to blame you for doing something that he didn’t like years before you even knew he existed. You still are a person in this relationship, and his treatment of you is poor at best.

Which brings me to this point…I know maybe this isn’t something that you wan to think about yet, but you really should have it at least in the back of your mind whether to not you truly wan to be with this person. He is showing his true colors to you in a big way, and in my mind, this is not a good look. He’s acting like a big baby, and there’s no reason that you should have to be begging for his attention when you’ve done nothing wrong.

So while I do agree that you should stop contacting him, or at least pull back, it’s not because of him and his needs, it’s because of you, and your self respect. Why keep giving your time and energy to a person who is not respecting it, and who is treating you like garbage because of his issue? That’s so far from what you deserve in a relationship that it’s not funny.

I know you’ve said that he treated you like gold before, but this is an indication of how he will treat you whenever something happens tha he’s not happy with. Life is hard at times, and full of struggles. Do you really want to have a family with a man who will run a the first sign of uncomfortable feelings? He is no prize from where I’m sitting.

The experiences that you had with him in these first three months are the baseline that you should expect in any relationship, and then the next level, is what do they do when there is conflict? Do they run, or do they face it head on? Do they take responsibility for their own issues, or do they blame it all on the other person?

I’d really like you to think long and hard on why you want this so much, and if this is really what you want. Because I have to say girlfriend, it sounds like a lot more trouble than it’s worth!

Let me know your thoughts 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this! It’s such a difficult thing, and a really frustrating situation! The part that is the most frustrating, is the fact that there’s really nothing that you can do. Because the issues actually have nothing to do with you, and is all about him.

As you’ve been discussing with Heidi, he has a big issue here, and one that he’s letting run his life, and ruin his relationships. It’s his story that he’s extremely committed to, and until he discovers why he’s so hell bent on holding on to this, it’s going to rule him.

You keep saying, what can I do, what can I say, how can I make him understand and see my point. I totally understand that desire and it’s a very rational line of thinking. If he could just see that I love him, don’t care about Ben, it was a drunken one night stand, etc, etc, he will stop being upset with me and we can be together.

But it’s not that simple because as mentioned, this has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Sadly, triggers cannot be rationalized with, unless the person who is triggered is willing to do the work to change that. And it just sounds like he has so much to unpack there, he’s literally frozen in place, and just pushing it all away, losing out in the process.

So that’s the question…for him. How long is he willing to keep losing to Ben? How long is he willing to keep putting his desires and his happiness on the back burner because of Ben’s shenanigans? Things happen in life to teach us lessons, and to give us the opportunities to change, heal, and get everything we’ve always wanted, or to stay stuck in the bs rhetoric that we’ve created. He has a really amazing chance here with a wonderful person who is willing to stand by him while he works through this. We can hope that he takes it, but in he end, it comes down to how strong of a person he really is, and how willing to live in hope he is.

As Heidi mentioned, this is an indication of who he is as a person. It sounds like you are someone who wants to be open, transparent, and work through whatever gets in the way of a deep connection when you have one. That’s a really admirable quality. Unfortunately though, it sounds like he is more the type to shut down and say “I don’t know” rather than scour for answers as to how he can live a more fulfilling life.

It comes down to hope or fear. Which do you want to live in?

I understand that you want to fight for him, but he has to want to fight for himself. So at this point, it’s up to you. If you really want to try and get through to him, I’d start with a voice memo, or maybe a video message. Or see if you can get ahold of him on the phone. And then say all of this because what do you have to lose?

And if after you’ve given it your all he still doesn’t want to do the work, you have to let it go and recognize that you are an amazing person. Even though I don’t know you, the fact that you’d go through all of this for him is remarkable, and says a lot about you. You will make someone a wonderful partner, and not someone that you have to convince to grow in order to meet you. Someone who is already there on your level.

So however it pans out, you will be ok!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Well first off, I can say that technology can be wonky, and it’s difficult to say 100% for certain that he is actually viewing you time and again. I mean, with some of these apps it’ll show that you’re online when you’re not, and then someone will be like, “hey! you’re online and you’re not responding!” and you may not have even been on the app for the last week.

Again, I’m not sure exactly how that particular app works, but I know that sometimes you can click on a notification and it can take you somewhere that you’re not trying to go, so it could be something as simple as that.

But let’s assume that he IS checking you out regularly but not sending a message…there could be soooooo many reasons for that that I’d rather not pontificate about and instead just focus on what you can do, and what you want to do.

Obviously you can send him a message and say hello, nothing wrong with that. Yes the smoking is a turn off, but you never know…he may be ready to quit. Or I’ve even seen people who have outdated information on a profile and never change it, or click something again by accident. I will say, not all older people are technologically savvy. Sometimes they have their kids or a friend set something up, and they don’t even know that they’ve checked a certain box. So as much as I too despise cigarettes, if everything else seems really wonderful, I would caution against ruling him out based on that alone.

In terms of what you want to do…well I know that for all of your assertiveness in other aspects of your life, you can be a little gun shy to make the first move in romance. However I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by buying into that old pattern, and it’s really not serving you. You’re a strong and independent woman, who does what she wants in life. You’re not going to find the kind of man that will appreciate that by sitting back and being a wallflower. The kind of man who would be a good fit for you, would certainly enjoy a woman who is confident enough to make the first move.

So that being said, what are you waiting for? Don’t talk yourself out of it too much! I mean, what do you have to lose?

Being the little devil on your shoulder (or is it angel, lol),
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ale,

Thanks for joining our forum, and letting us know about your relationship. Welcome!

I’m sorry to hear that things are tough right now with your partner. It’s hard when you’re not sure if things are worth fighting for, but if you’re always fighting, that’s no good either!

So it sounds like things have been rocky from the start, is that what you’re saying? Can you elaborate on how that plays out?

You say that you are too needy, but I wonder what that means, and if that’s something that you think, or something that he tells you. From what you’re saying, it sounds like a really difficult situation if he is not around very often, and then when he is home, he doesn’t make you a priority. I think most women would have a hard time with that. I don’t see that as being needy. Spending time with someone is an important part of a relationship, and if he doesn’t make time for you, that can be very tough to handle.

In terms of the social media, I think that depends on how active he is on there. If he’s someone who is rarely on there, maybe it’s no that important to him. If he’s on there all the time, then it would feel like he’s hiding something if he doesn’t want to acknowledge you as his partner when the two of you are living together.

In terms of whether or not it’s “normal”…well that’s a loaded question. It can be normal, but that doesn’t mean that it’s healthy. It doesn’t sound like either one of you are happy in the relationship, and that’s not sustainable. I’m curious if you’re really compatible or want the same things out of a relationship. If you want something from someone that they are not freely giving, it’s never going to feel good or be sustainable. So I’d think that’s a good place to look at.

First off, what do you want and need in a relationship, and then…does he give you that?

Looking forward to hearing more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Something that can be helpful to create a sense of connection with partners when they are far away, either physically or figuratively, is to send voice memos. You can express so much more via voice and it’s inflections than you can through sending emails or texts. To be honest, I despise texting for most any kind of communication, except maybe the quick note for planning purposes. But when it comes to anything of meaning, text is really awful. And it sounds like Brian is not a fan of it as well! Who can blame him? Unless you’re one of these kids who came out of the womb clutching a cell phone, it can be a big pain to have any kind of real conversation when you have to tap out your heartfelt answers on a little screen!

It sounds like when he’s in a bad place, it’s also difficult for him to talk on the phone as well, but I’m sure that he can listen to your messages. Do you have iphones? If so, you can decide to turn on the read receipts so that way you can know when he’s getting the message, and at least feel a bit of comfort from that.

But I also don’t think it’s wrong to ask for some of what you need. If you have trauma and abandonment issues, of course it’s going to be difficult to stay resourced and not feel triggered and scared often. That’s not fair for you either. And the less resourced you feel, the less you are truly able to be there for him. So it’s not wrong for you to express what you need from your interactions as well.

Hopefully these suggestions can help you both to navigate through these difficult experiences and be able to relate in a way that is supportive and nourishing to you both!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Megan,

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going! Are you visiting with your partner yet?
We are here to support you while you’re on your trip, so do let us know if anything comes up.

Best wishes,
Spyce

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