[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Happy Holidays! I hope that you had a nice Christmas day, whether you celebrated with others or just in the comfort of your own space. This is such a weird time of year for everyone. It always seem to just exacerbate people’s feelings around what they have and what hey don’t. I myself feel it as well. And then New Year’s eve is just so much pressure! It’s like whatever you’re doing on NYE is a reflection of who you are, and how your year has gone and what your next year will be like! I personally don’t like to go big on NYE and much prefer either a small group gathering, or even just a night of personal reflection. But the main thing is to just enjoy whatever it is that you are doing, and to not judge yourself for whatever that is.

The thing that I get about you is that you are unapologetically yourself. You’re not fake and you can’t hide who you are. You are not going to pretend to be someone that you’re not, and it sounds like you’re rather accomplished in what you have done, so why should you be anybody except for exactly who you are? This scares the hell out of people. Because so many people are terrified to be who they are. Many people have that herd mentality, and are so afraid of stepping out of line for fear of rejection, like you’ve experienced. Because like you’ve experienced, it doesn’t feel great to not be included. But it’s also important to really remind yourself when you’re not included with a certain group, who that group is, what they represent, and who are the actual players in that group. Are they actually people that you want to connect with? Are they accomplished, successful, and upstanding intelligent people? Or are they bitter idiots who have never left the tiny little piece of bumf*ck that they were born into?

You are a go-getter. You are a do-er and a manifestor. You have created an amazing compound, all on your own, all of your own will. You haven’t had family support, and you’ve had little support from friends and colleagues along the way. But still you rise up, and that’s admirable and something to be very proud of. And while I understand that it’s lonely at the top, you can’t let people beneath you drag you down to their level. You are better than that.

It sounds like you are starting to find some folks that you can connect with, and even though I understand that you feel trepidacious, I hope that you will let them happen, and let them in. Because as much as you say that you want to connect with people, you also have a wall up. It makes sense that you are afraid to trust and of being hurt, but you have to allow people in to get to know you. Of course there is a chance that a rejection might come after, but if you don’t let people in, you’ll never know.

I’m thinking of you being in the restaurant and that moment of potential connection with the server. Why did you choose to not say hello? Being that you were the customer and they were the serve, it would have been unprofessional for them to initiate that conversation. And then the couple invited you to sit with them but you didn’t go. It’s ok that you decided to eat on your own, but I do want you to recognize that this was a situation where people wanted to connect with you, and you were the one to decline. So it’s not always the case that people just don’t want to be around you, or invite you in.

I know you are feeling very “once bitten twice shy” or more likely covered in bites, and I really understand what you mean by: It’s essentially a choice to walk a path in between close community and toxic sabotage
And you’re right, it is about finding a good balance and finding your people. I do have faith in that, but in order to do so, you have to be willing to reject folks who are just not going to give you what you need and deserve, namely because they don’t have it to give.

Let’s talk about the Bills of the world and Bill in particular. I understand that it’s invigorating to have a crush on someone and to feel a tug towards connection with an attractive man, but I do have to be honest with you that I think this is once again pursuing rejection. It’s trying to make something happen with someonewho is not up to your caliber. Trying to get something from someone who doesn’t have it to give.

Here’s what we know about these men:
1. I noticed the table of men chatting merrily away nearby were almost blocking me energy-wise
2. he finally noticed me but only half approached me, a behavior I find pansy
3. I dismiss Bill for not sitting next to me and striking up a convo
4. The guy at the cafe: I realize now that this person wasn’t at work but was a worker from the cafe earlier so it could have felt like a missed opportunity but once again, this man was not pursuing you. I do think a smile and nod in his direction could be a good first step, but I’d say beyond that, wait to see what he does.

So all of that being said, what do you like about Bill? What gives you a crush on him, per se? You say that you are not pleased with how he’s being so far, but you’d like to explore it more. Why? Why would you want to pursue a man where you have to be the one in pursuit?
How do you think this is going to play out?

What I want for you more than anything is happiness and fulfillment. In order to achieve that, it’s so important to look at the energy that you’re putting out into the world, and who you’re putting it out to.

xoxo
Spyce

Ps: I’d love to hear more about the dream process!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I do agree that sticking to those boundaries and not allowing those toxic people to receive even an ounce of your positive energy is the best idea. What I was saying about being the bigger person is a different kind of thing, and doesn’t apply to truly toxic people who have done so much damage and will continue to do so if allowed in. Those people need to be fully removed and cut out from your life, and paid no mind. Theyar not the kind of people who are going to learn a lesson or change. You do not need to prove anything to those kind of people, you do not need to be understood or included with that. They just need to be far away, with energy shields put up between you. So I’m glad to hear that you are doing so with them, and that you are also not trying to connect with someone like Tom who seems to want to have them in his life. Maybe he just needs to see for himself just how very evil they are, and eventually he may come around too. But unfortunately there are people in the world who are so desperate to fit in, that they will do so at the loss of their own autonomy and well being. Maybe that will happen, or maybe it won’t. Either way, it’s not really your concern.

I also agree that you “deserve to be loved and included by decent people with whom I can share activities I like”. I am wondering about something you’ve said in that same paragrpah though which is that: (I) have made friends wherever I go, but there are always the wretched enemies watching and pouncing as if possessed by some demon assigned to my destruction

My question is along the lines of if you are making friends, then why are you focused on the enemies? I understand that they make themselves hard to ignore, but miserable people will always be that way, and they feed on the negative attention and the knowledge that they are getting to you. Believe me, I soooo understand how difficult it is to ignore people like that. It’s such a challenge when you know what a gem you are, and then you see the accolades and inclusion going to literal garbage humans who have vomited lies and slander against you with absolutely nothing to back it up. I know how awful that feels, I really do, and I feel for you greatly.

I would love to see you so satisfied in your own life that the haters fade into the background, wither away into the dirt where they belong, and you are no longer affected by their insidious nonsense. I envision that for you, and I’m holding up that vision for you.

The community dream journal is such an amazing idea! Where was this man from who used to come around? Where did he live? How was he received by the community at large? It’s such a unique idea, but unless you lived in a very down to earth and somewhat alternative area, it sounds like he could be run out of town and labeled delusional, because unfortunately that’s how our world is. But I absolutely love it myself! I wonder how something like that would go over where you are living now…have you thought about resurrecting it in your current community?

More on personal dreams: It reminds me of one nightmare that really scared me because I sensed it was touching something real. A haunted room. The house being a metaphor for the body temple.

What was scary about this? So was the room a part of the body or the psyche that is lonely? Broken? Afraid of being perpetually alone and broken? Where does the fear come from?

In my dream, I still can’t really figure it out. Even now when I sit with it in an awake state, I can’t really determine where the fear comes from and what it means. I think it may be a past life situation. Sometimes the room is in a specific house where there is an entire section of the house that also feels like this room. Do you dream of the same places? I nave an entire town that I dream about. A few towns actually. They are semi connected and may be the same area. I’m not entirely sure. I’d like to draw it all out someday and get it out of my head but I’m not really an artist in that way.

It does seem like the blonds have some significance, if only to indicate someone who starts off as being nice, but is fake when it comes down to it. Can you think of other blonds who have been this way to you? What was your first experience with a blond who acted that way?

It seems very plausible that you have a strong and sensual energy that intimidates women and frightens men. Unfortunately people, especially in groups, are weak. Who is going to be the one to step out of the pack and do the thing that everyone wants to, but everyone is fearful to. As you’ve mentioned, many people there know nothing and nowhere else. They are not smart, they are not worldly, they are not accomplished, they are not successful or going places. They do not know how to relate to you, and you scare them. This doesn’t mean that you are too much, it means that they are not enough.

But yes, we are having a human experience in this lifetime and human interaction is important. Connection is important, touch is important. And while I do agree that wherever you go, there you are, I also do think different places have different energies, and attract specific people. What draws people to where you are? Besides the people who are from here, what would make someone want to move there? Perhaps someone more worldly, successful, intelligent, ect? It’s an interesting thing to ponder…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I totally understand and respect that and if it doesn’t feel right to you to interact in that way, hen of course don’t do it. at the end of the day, anyone can give any advice that they want, but you have to do what feels best to you and most affirming to your personhood. There is also something to be said for now engaging at all with people who have crossed a cerain line with you and I absolutely believe in that as well. There are definitely many people that no longer have access to any part of me because they have crossed a barrier, or pushed a boundary and I no longer see them as safe or worthy. so there’s that too.

It’s also good to hear that it’s not actually the entire town that is full of these toxic people, and that they are more just a certain group of crazies. They have a level of power because they’ve never left the small town and so they are accepted and even from th sounds of it, treated with a certain level of respect that they would never get otherwise. They are obviously terrified of anyone who would come in and call them out for the failures that they are, and they will certainly be intimidated by a strong, self sufficient, intelligent, and attractive woman coming into their midst. It’s unfortunate, but mostly for them. And also for those who fall into the trap of needing their approval, like Tom. People like you describe are not people that you want to fit in with, because you don’t want to be like-minded with them. It sounds like Tom is very fearful of these people, which is surprising for a New Yorker, but not knowing his full story, it’s hard to really say what’s going on.

But even with all of these losers and weirdos and a town with a small population, it seems like you are always running into a variety of potentially interesting people, so you never know what will happen. Just keep doing you, connecting with the good ones, doing what you do, and being open to good things coming your way.

Thanks for telling me about your dream. To be honest, I’ve experienced something similar. But mine involves a back staircase in an old house, and a room off of it with a scary feeling that emanates from it. I too have learned of ancestral curses in my family and have been told that I am the one who has to break it, which feels like an unfair responsibility. Sometimes I feel up to the challenge, but oftentimes it feels like quite the burden I didn’t ask for. ANd don’t worry about me spouting any religion at you. I am the farthest thing from that and don’t think this is an appropriate forum for that anyway, I am very spiritual, but don’t jive with the dogma of people doing things out of guilt, fear, or shame, which is what most religion seems to be based on.

The first thing that comes to mind when you talk about the door being unlocked is a feeling of unsafety, specifically with people, which you have expressed many times. People treating you poorly, overstepping your boundaries, turning on you out of nowhere, conspiring against you, and robbing you of all that you’ve worked so hard for; whether it be tangible possessions, or more along emotional/spiritual work that you’ve done. So the dream doesn’t seem too far off from what’s already happening in your subconscious mind. I wonder what kind of experiences you’ve had with blond women as this seems to be something of a theme. And I’m assuming you are not blond? FYI, I am not a blond myself!

In terms of what do to about it, I do know of some shamanic folks who have worked with people in this realm before and I can ask if they are willing to be recommended, or I can ask around in general for recommendations. For myself it seems to be a continuous process, but what has helped for me is a few things.

One is working on establishing a deep sense of safety before going into an spiritual or psychic realm. Calling in those that I know protect me, and cultivating that level of connection with those energies, so I know that I can call on them when I need to and I can trust that they are there. Also trusting that I am good, I am loved, and everything “bad” that happens to me is ok and that I will get through. Reminding myself to be grateful for what I do have, and to really focus on that, instead of thinking about what I don’t have. Infusing myself with hope that even if I don’t have what I want now, that doesn’t mean that I will never get it, even if I’ve been working at it for a long time with no results. Trying to see everything as a blessing, and always asking why to find the underlying significance of any experience. And then of course just openly speaking to the ancestors fully listening to what comes in, and being open to accept whatever that is, even if it sounds weird at first. That is some of what has helped me with the things that I can’t change directly with my actions in this universe.

Does any of that resonate?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Noora,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry that you are going through this heartbreak. It’s so difficult to let someone go, especially when you share a child with them, and all that you want to do is have things back to how they were. It can feel really devastating and like all that you want and need is this person. But I’m here to tell you, that often the best thing that you can do for your own self and for that of your child is to take a really realistic look at the situation, and make the smart but difficult decision.

Let me tell you what I mean…

You said that you’ve been separated since January of last year, so that is almost a year now. What has he done during that year to apologize, try to work on the relationship, or le you know that he wants to get back together?

You said that the only reason that you’re not divorced is because of money. That does not soind like someone who wants to rekindle the relationship.

Are you saying that he has been cheating since September and making promises to another woman since then? It doesn’t really matter what the details are of this other relationship he is pursuing. All that matters is what he is pursuing with you and how he is treating you and your son, which just does not sound good or healthy.
For a man who is willing to leave his family, there will always be someone else that he can focus on to distract himself from the fact that he is a low-life, and being a bad person. Another woman is interchangeable and I assure you she will not last long. But there might be another who will take her place.

You say that you love him, and you want to win back his love. What does love mean to you? What are the actions that you’d expect from someone who loves you? Is he showing you any of that?

You have to really think deeply on what you want and what you are willing to accept. Trying to “win back” a man who is treating you this way may not be the best course of action for you.

What was the cause of your breakup to begin with? What has your relationship been like for the past few years? Did something change suddenly or was it over time?

Look forward to hearing from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

How was your weekend? How have things been going socially out there? I am glad to hear that you are taking it slow with the people you’re meeting. And to be honest, I don’t thin it’s only men that need time to get to know you, it’s all people. And it’s not just you, it’s all of us. Anytime anyone jumps into any kind of relationship, there’s always the risk that either the other person isn’t who they say that they are, or that they are not going to see the real you, and then may judge you harshly and unfairly because they just don’t know who you are.

Whatever the reason, it all feels bad. Not that going slow in relationships will always wipe away that happening completely, but it can be helpful in curbing it at least.

Yes, it sounded like the Ukrainian has a bunch of potential drama surrounding him, so even if he’s really attractive, it’s likely not worth the effort to deal with all of that.

In terms of Tom the New Yorker, what exactly is your interest in him? Sounds like he’s a down to earth and interesting guy, who is upfront and doesn’t play games. It sounds like you’ve been able to feel a sense of camaraderie with him, and you feel comfortable around him. Beyond that, do you feel like you could have a romantic connection with him? Are you attracted to him?

I understand that maybe you feel like you laid all your cards out on the table with him, too much too soon, and I can agree that perhaps that can scare people off a bit. Mostly because of what I just mentioned, that it does take time to get to know someone. And if you show certain cards too soon, people make assumptions that because you are A, that you must be B, and so on and so forth. Most of us are more multi-dimensional than that, and a fellow multi-dimensional person can see that, so I doubt that all hope is lost.

Either way, I don’t totally buy into the whole “being in your feminine” thing because I personally have gotten every man I’ve ever had by being forthright and true to who I am, which is not a demure and simpering person. But I do also like to get to know people and not jump into too much too soon.

However, I don’t think that feeling badly about how you were or about yourself in general is a productive course of action. All that you can do is move forward. It could actually be better if he sees you as a friend as a friend will stick around longer, where a hookup will fall into awkwardness and dissolve into nothing much more easily. So as you said, seeing how things go from here will also determine what kind of person he is, and how close you want to get to him. Because you need to remember that you have the choice yoo, and not everyone is worthy of your time and energy.

I do agree with Tom though about buying a beer for the woman who you’ve had the issue with. That’s essentially what I was talking about in my last email where I invited out for coffee that woman who was saying bad things about me. When I made that kind gesture, and didn’t join her in her idea that I was a bad person, I took back the power. I became the bigger person. Whatever she does from there says more about her than it does about me. I think you’d be in the same position if you reached out with kindness. It shows that she has no power over you. But if you’re still angry with her, it shows that she does, and then she feels justified in thinking badly of you. So that’s my take on it too. I appreciate the more mystical approach to it, but most people do not operate in the cosmos and do not get the subtlety of those maneuvers. But whatever feels right for you.

Also, how is your big project coming along?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Wow, look at that! It sounds like you’re attracting all of the good folks in that tiny town, that’s so awesome! Despite the idea that only awful people are attracted to you, just by giving yourself a little pep talk and willing it to be so, you’re starting to call in people that get it. And I agree about New Yorkers being top notch. Well I am one so I’m biased!
It was cool to hear that people who you have previously had some beef with became more open to you, and are seeing more of who you truly are. It also sounds like you’re embracing this idea that I tout a lot, which is to always be the bigger person. It’s not about letting anyone get anything over on you, it’s about not letting anyone get to you, and showing them that no matter how mean they must be, you don’t have to justify yourself, and that you’re in such abundance that you can still give.

I’ll give you an example as I just had this happen in my own life. There is a woman who owns a store in the town where I live. It’s a relatively small city and people here are very focused on community. This woman and I have some overlapping similarities in what we do, and I kept seeing her name around, so last spring I had stopped into her store to see how we could collaborate and network. She was super nice, and said that she’s be happy to promote me. I kept offering things that I could do for her, but she refusd and said that it was all good either way. I never really heard back from her and I got busy.

Recently I saw that she was doing a holiday market so I figured it would be a great time to reconnect, and see if I could be a part of the market to promote my small business at her event. She said that she didn’t want to do anything with me because I “kept reaching out with zero follow through”. Then she said since I wasn’t selling anything and was instead just promoting my service based business, that I wasn’t giving anything back so wouldn’t be welcome. She then went on to criticize how I had come to her store last time without a call and interrupted her with a client, and how rude I was. Mind you, this is a woman who was noting but sweetness and smiles the last time I saw her!

It was shocking and I told her so, but she seemed to keep wanting me to fight with her. So I put her in her place the best way I knew how. I told her how much I wanted to clear this up with her so we could support each other as female entrepreneurs in the same community. And how I wanted to take her out to coffee and get to know better how I could support her. Her fierce typing and accusations stopped at that point. Because what was she going to do? I wasn’t willing to fight with her, which is what she wanted so she could feel justified in making me out to be the bad guy. But I’m not the bad guy. Whether or not I ever go out with her for coffee makes no difference and honestly now that I’ve seen her true colors, I think it may be never as I don’t want to collaborate with her. But she can’t really say that much about me to others unless it’s a bald faced lie so there’s that. And it all just makes me feel better than if I would have gotten deep into justifying and matching her rude for rude. Now she can go and think about what the eff her problem is!

Now let’s get back to all of these men that you’ve been meeting…damn girl, I’m going to need a flow chart soon! LOL 😉 Of course I want to just be excited for you and I am, but as your coach (and a ballsy AF NYer chick) I do just have to give you some words of caution here. Yes I am glad that you’re meeting seemingly high quality men, and I know that’s very exciting and while I want to believe in them as well, I can’t, don’t, and will not totally until they prove that they are worthy. Not because of you, but because of men. Now I haven’t ever seen you, but from what I’ve surmised you are pretty easy on the eyes and men are attracted to you quickly. This feels nice of course, but you have to make sure that they are in it for more than just their own desires.

In order to do this, you must go into things very slowly and get to know people over time. Because it doesn’t matter how hot you or they are, it’s about so much more than that, and I know you get that and want that. I want you to have that, and it’s just so important to develop and build relationship bonds based on shared ideals and experiences, which you can’t get instantly. Often times in small towns there is that vibe of being able to get to know people quickly because there are lots of people that know each other well, so newcomers get caught up in that. But that’s how people make instant judgements about you as well, and don’t really get to know you before writing you off as something based on maybe one experience.

(Case in point: hot Ukranian…just out of relationship? Red flag! You don’t want to be his rebound and if you are, you will NOT be more than a fling)

I know you are a person that contains multitudes, and you want to be known, seen, nd cherished for those multitudes. I also know that you haven’t had enough of that feeling so you are very hungry for it (no shame, you’re human!), and so it’s easy to just want to scarf it all down whenever you do encounter even a morsel of it. But I really want to caution you, however good it feels to be seemingly enveloped into a group of people, or even into one person’s life, to go in slowly. You don’t have to be cautious or fearful, or put up boundaries, you just need to honor your energy enough to go slowly, and to not be willing to throw it all in with someone until you know for sure that they really are that stand up kind of person who deserves all of you.

I know it sucks when you’re an amazing person with so much to offer to not want to offer it all up when you find someone who wants to accept it, but you have to remind yourself that no matter how hot or willing they seem, they need to earn that from you. They need to earn the right to get to know you, to be your friend, to be your lover, your partner. You ARE all than and a bag of chips, and just because most people haven’t discovered that yet, does not mean that it won’t happen. But you have to let it out slowly, and wait for them to prove themselves before you jump in with both feet, because they may not deserve you. And if they don’t, they will reject you, and then you’ll go back to feeling unloved, and unwanted, which isn’t really the case. It’s just that you’re giving yourself over to people who are not enough.

Believe me, I have experienced this for years and I still do at times! But I’ve learned this the hard way, and I know you have too, so this is my best advice for how to combat some of that when you do meet these folks that you want so badly to be a part of their posse. Just slow your roll, and let them show you that they are worthy of you.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Thanks for reaching out and updating me on your situation. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this state of limbo. It never feels good to be waiting on someone for your own sense of well-being. And to be honest, that is what the issue is here. You CANNOT let your emotions be dependant on what he will or will not do. To be honest, that exactly is likely the reason that he has pushed you away and told you in no uncertain terms that he does not want a romantic relationship. A romantic relationship has strings, responsibility, and a sense of commitment, which is not able to provide.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He’s told you this himself, and other people in his life have told you this about him too. I’ve told you as your coach, that if you want to have him in your life, you have to be ok with exactly who he is. No one changes unless they really feel like they want and need to, and even then it can be very difficult to make changes. I just wouldn’t hold my breath that he is suddenly going to become a different person. Also, it sounds like this is his normal. He doesn’t have any idea that it affects anyone else, and it sounds like he doesn’t want it to, which is why he shys away from intimacy.

Now of course, you have the right to your own boundaries, and the ability to let people know how you are willing to interact with him. You are perfectly within your rights to let him know that it doesn’t feel good to you when he pulls away like this, and that it makes you cautious to be his friend. Of course you run the risk of this pushing him away. But there’s also a chance that this could be a wake up call to him that he may lose someone that he enjoys spending time with if he doesn’t change. But from what you’ve mentioned about him, I wouldn’t be too sure of the latter outcome.

What it comes down to on a deeper level though, is that you have to realize that this is who he is, and it has nothing to do with you or what you’re doing or not doing. Nothing you did caused this behaviour in him. If you said the “right” thing or the “wrong” thing, he would still keep putting up his walls because that is who he is. and until he decides to change, that is who he will be. I understand that he makes yoy feel connected to your late husband and that’s comforting, but I also wonder if relying on him for this comfort really is that beneficial for your mental health.

You’ve expressed not feeling ready to date, but you’ve also expressed romantic interest in Patrick, but it could be that if you found the right person, you could actually be ready for a new relationship. A relationship with someone else who is also ready for that. Ready, willing, and looking. Not someone who is telling you that they aren’t interested and then giving you all the signs that hey are. That’s not fair to you.

Life is short, as we both know, and you deserve to be happy and to find love again. And I believe that you can. But you have to be willing to be realistic about where you can find that love, and if it’s not somewhere that you’re seeking it, to be able to move on, or at least move over and be open to what’s next. I just hate to see life passing you by while you are waiting for someone who may never come around…

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Marigold,

Welcome to the forum! Did you have a question or anything to share? Not sure if there was a technical error, but your message simply came through as X. I’m assuming you might have more to say?

Looking forward to hearing it!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Thanks for getting these messages back up on my radar! I can now see them both and fortunately I just came on to respond and it looks like you just sent this second message, so my timing is good!

It’s very admirable to be living off the land and off grid like that. Back when I had that land in Colorado, I was also really interested in alternative building practices and had written up a house plan for a passive solar house made from straw bale. So I like your idea of an adobe or cob house and I hope that you are able to make that come to fruition!

Also really nice to hear of your entrepreneurial ventures, and your permaculture work with your acreage is so very awesome! Being able to survive out in the middle of the desert based on the fruits of your own labor is a really incredible skill and obviously not one that many people have. You should be proud of yourself for all you’ve done to prepare for where you are now, and for being where you are now. So many people talk for their entire lives and never actually do what they say they desperately want. So you are actually light years ahead of the average person in many ways, and that’s not something to sneeze at!

I know that it’s lonely to make these kinds of dreams come true, and it is difficult to find others who will get on board with plans that are out of the norm of what society dictates as the “proper” way to live. It’s certainly disheartening at times and it can feel like quite the burden to be the pioneer. For many years when I was younger I fel the strain of having intense and lofty ideas that others did not have the gumption to follow. i did a lot of traveling on my own and did feel lonely at time, a traveler with no real home. I’ve settled a lot now and my life is different, but something big did change when I was abl to feel supported in my visions by loved ones. My visions these days are possibly less astronomical, but I still do things that others might think are very big, and it does feel better to have like minds on the road beside me. I hope for you that you will find your people/person someday too! But just to be clear, I feel like I did have to tone down some of my desires to truly find that support, and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that.

Unfortunately many people are unhappy, and many people who go out to places like where you’re describing that you live, are exactly those unhappy people. And unhappy people are not very good with compassion or being non-judgemental. They are very good with being skeptical and having the mentality of guilty until proven innocent, and a newcomer is always treated as circumspect. There is a real scarcity mentality in small towns, and because of your background, you’re highly sensitive to that, so it’s a perfect storm.

It’s nice that you’ve met a few nice people that were more accepting off the bat, and hopefully that will make the others feel warmed up to you. But also, you have to ask yourself if those people in that bar are really your people that you want to be cultivated a relationship with. Alcohol does delude the mind, and can certainly create all kinds of miscommunications. It can also forge a false sense of connection which can have positive side effects though, unyil the fighting gloves come on, which is sounds like may have happened that night. Or as you said, it could just be some misperceptions. If I were you, I might go back into that bar and in the light of day, apologize to the bartender. Even if I didn’t feel like I’d done anything wrong, it can really spread good will when someone acknowledges any negative feelings or potential mishaps. I see that as a sign of strength and being the bigger person. As as much as sometimes it doesn’t feel good, being the bigger person has never done me wrong.

I would like to hear more about any of the spiritual/psychic experiences that you’ve had that you’re willing to share. I’m a big believer in that and I do believe that sometimes the issues that we are experiencing in this life has a lot to do with what’s going on in other realms around us. So whether it’s a past life thing, or an ancestral curse, or a demon coming thru the veil to prey on you, it’s all possible and of interest to me. I just makes no sense to me that everything would be meaningless and there would be no reason that even the simplest of things…like some people are always healthy and some people have issues from birth. And any numbers of the wonders and cruelties of life…I’m always examining all of that and asking why, even if an answer isn’t readily available!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

How are you doing? were you able to get things up and running again? You really are living out there in the wilds, aren’t you? I do understand that lifestyle as I grew up with hippies and other “off the grid” types. I can appreciate that but I also can see it’s hardships. It sounds like it’s not totally by choice in your situation or would you say that it is? I know you mentioned something about living in a trailer. Are you on a piece of land that you bought? Are you trying to build something?

I’m also curious what is the size of the town that you’re living in. I used to be very familiar with a small mountain town back in the day where some friends had moved to, and then my brother moved to, and then other friends moved to. I bought some land there and contemplated moving there too. One of my friends kept saying what a wonderful place it was to build community and at first I believed her. But after a short while I began to see how that really was not the case. Yes maybe some people came there seeking to find like minds, but I also felt like more people moved out to the middle of nowhere to get away from people, and be alone. Eventually my family left the area, I sold my land, and I realized I would never want to live there, because I knew I needed to be in a place where there were more options.

Because I can have the kind of personality where people can take me wrong. I am very outgoing and friendly, and I try to integrate myself into situations because I want to connect. Some people get scared of that, mostly because they are unable to set their own boundaries and don’t know how to say no. So I’ve had to learn how to really be careful with who I try to get deep with and befriend. I know you said that you’ve lived in larger areas and it didn’t work out any better for you. I guess I’ve just found that not being reliant on the 3 narcissists that run the town as my social circle has been helpful for me. And even living in a larger area things can still feel small, so I know that a different environment is not always the answer.

But I will say that like attracts like and it’s good to look at wwhat the vibe is of anyplace you live, and what draws people there. there’s alway some common thread and even the feeling that’s in the land can have an influence on what happens there. Not sure if you believe in that, but I definitely do. I have to say that what you are looking for does not sound outlandish to me and I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time finding it. But I really just wonder what the commonality is in the place where you live…

Of course it’s something deeper than that and I’d hate to encourage you to run unless you’re running towards something and not away. Because if it’s in you, that will follow you wherever you go, and it sounds like it has. But really it seems to be the people that you’re attracting and letting into your life. They all sound, toxic, crazy, or like they have no boundaries. I know that you are lonely, but I really think that you have to get to a place in your life where you are not willing to hang out with this people at all. Because it seems like the is a self fulfilling prophecy or something going on with people.

What do you think about anything spiritual? Past lives, ancestral curses, things like that? I sometimes wonder about that when nothing else makes sense…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for sharing more about your situation! So I understand that it’s upsetting but it sounds like this is a very clear case of not wanting the same things…

He wanted to take things to a more serious level with you, and you decided that you didn’t want that, as it was too soon. So then he said, well if you don’t want that with me, I need some space to determine if we should stay together. You said no to that as well, and made the decision to break up with him.

It sounds like you have been the one making the decisions here to pull back on the relationship, so I’m a bit confused as to what the issue is here, and what exactly you are wanting from him and the situation…

I agree though that six months is very quick to determine if you want to be with someone forever. Also it sounds like he is in a very pivotal part of his life and has a lot going on. Not really a great time to be adding marriage to the mix. You mentioned your anxiety, but it seems that he is the one who is anxious to get things situated in his life and you are more willing to take a “see how it goes” approach, which at six months in is more healthy.

So what are you wanting to do at this point? Try to get back together with him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out about your situation. I’m so sorry to hear of the stress that you’re going through with your boyfriend. It’s very upsetting when someone we love is in emotional turmoil and chooses to shut us out instead of let us get close and be a part of their pain.

I’d like a bit more info if you don’t mind sharing…

How long have you been together? Did you live together? When did the break happen? What preceded it? You mentioned that he is in an emotional crisis…has this happened before?

Looking forward to learning more and seeing how we can navigate this!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Thanks for the warm welcome back! I definitely understand what you’re going thru and hopefully my attempts will be helpful. I’m also wondering if you have any professional support in your life in general? The forum is great, but none of us are licensed therapists here and while we can make suggestions and be a supportive cheerleader, there still could be room in your life for others to offer their professional take on it. There is no stigma around therapy to me. I have a therapist, my therapist has a therapist, and I believe that we all can benefit from having more support in our lives always. So I just wanted to throw that out there!

Building self esteem is definitely a difficult thing. Those childhood experiences run soooo deep, and it can take a lifetime to undo the trauma. Not saying that to make you feel hopeless, because I also think that certain things can happen that will create big change more quickly, but as you said, it can be a daily practice of mindfulness and combating the ugly when it rears its head and butts its nose into your happy day. But I do think that you’re on the right track.

There’s reality, and then there’s perceived reality. It’s easy to imagine what others are thinking about you based on your own trauma. Of course this may not be real at all. But it can certainly feel very real and still be very triggering. Following the breadcrumbs of the potential tasty morsels of fun and life affirming things that you want to do is an great way to start, and holding steadfast to the reminder that you are a good person, a fun person, a kind and loving person that similarly good and kind people would want in their life, is an excellent way to keep yourself going.

You say that you’ve been through many attempts at self esteem but failed
Can you share what you’ve tried and what hasn’t worked? I would hate to recommend things that haven’t gotten you to a place where you’ve wanted to be. It sounds like some of the positive reminders are working a bit, so perhaps setting those up in a more strategic way could be helpful?

If you feel like sharing more (and it’s not going to upset you to retell), I’m wondering more how the whole situation has played out with these narcissist types being able to get others to turn against you. Like what actually happened with the manager of the dance studio? I’m not just asking to be nosy, but more because I’m trying to understand how these things are coming to pass, and to see if there’s something happening in there that I can observe from an outside perspective that might help with moving forward in these kinds of scenarios.

You mentioned that it’s easy for you to make friends, which I find interesting as I’ve not heard you say that before. We’ve had so many more discussions on how difficult it is for you to make friends, even in this message alone. I understand that you’re saying these aren’t the friends you want, but let’s look more at this. So how do you “make friends” and what do you do with said friends to make them? How do you learn that they are not true friends? What is the trajectory that this takes?

The truth is that the concept of friendship can be wildly different to everyone. some people may have friends that they rarely see, while others may want to talk on the phone all of the time, or go out together. Friendships can vary depending on where people are in their lives. Some people pull in when they are upset, others reach out. All of these things can impact friendships and closeness. What are you looking for in friendships?

I like the idea of you hanging out at the art gallery and connecting more in there. The other two women that you mentioned do some somewhat toxic and I’d worry that they are once again these low level people that you are attracting and being willing to connect with because you are lonely. I just don’t like that for you!

Yes, you need to break the cord. Let’s brainstorm what’s going to work here…
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sonja,

Ijust wanted to check in on you and see how things are going. I know it’s not easy to hear that someone that you love and are trying to be with may actually be the source of your troubles.

Care to share how that made you feel and if there’s anything that we can do to support you or help you figure out your next steps?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Well howdy! I apologize for not chiming in sooner! I didn’t realize that you were asking for me, but here I am now, and I’m happy to help as I can.

While it’s nice to hear from you again, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re back here on the forum seeking support, and that things did not pan out in that relationship that you were in. And ending up in the ER?! Oh boy! What a jerk!
I have to be honest that I didn’t have high hopes for that relationship, and there were many red flags from the beginning. But I will never tell someone what they can or can’t do as people need to do what they feel called to, and we all have to choose our own adventures and live out whatever sufferings we need to in order to move forward. But I’m here for you girl, for all of it! In your corner and by your side.

I know that you were feeling frustrated in the town that you’re living in as it’s small with a strong rumor mill. However, it doesn’t sound like it’s all bad…there were a few things I saw mentioned above that sound like wins that we must celebrate!

Working with a local crisis center: wow, that’s huge! You are obviously seen as someone who has a lot of knowledge and also someone that people can deeply trust to hold space for others and do the right thing. That shows that you have impeccable communication skills and outstanding moral ethics. So that’s amazing! What are you going to do to move forward with that opportunity?

Performing in a Day of the Dead ritual: I love it! What’s the deal with that group of folks? If you are performing with them then you must have made some connections with them, no? Are there more upcoming performances going on? Perhaps you can socialize more with that group of people? Creative projects are definitely a powerful way to foster tight knit connections with folks so I’d love to hear more about what you plan to do to pursue more with your creative endeavors.

When it comes to all of the people who are casting a dark energy over you, I do understand how there can be an allure to pursuing those people who seem to have this bias against you. Because you know that you’re a good and kind person and you feel like they have the wrong idea about you, you’re pulled to convert them into realizing the beauty and goodness that you possess. If only they spent more time with you, if only they could understand and see the true you, they would change their minds and let you in to their world, which is obviously an exciting and amazing place. But why do these people instead continue to like the noxious people who spread lies and hate, instead of aligning themselves with someone loving and supportive like you? I have some thoughts of course, but do you have an idea of what the answer might be?

It’s a typical pattern when you’ve dealt with a lot of toxic and abusive people, to want to prove yourself to them to win their love. I know that you had that kind of relationship with your family, and early romantic connections so of course that’s what you’re used to, and what feels familiar to you. I’m sorry that you’ve learned that this is live and this is ok, because it’s not at all. In reality, none of these people, including your family, deserve your love, and I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced so much toxicity disguised as love, or people telling you that this was love and manipulating you into the further toxicity just not be alone. Because of course it often feels like it’s better to be with someone than alone, but when it’s the wrong person or people, is the trade-off really worth it?

We really have to work on your self esteem so you can get to the point where you don’t want to go the dance with the pock-marked alcoholic because you know that he’s not worthy of even five minutes of your time. He’s not better than nobody. And you are worth more than to spend time with people who don’t get you. These people are beneath you, and you have to start realizing that. I know it’s hard because you’ve been around these kind of low level people most of your life but I want to know why you keep allowing them into your life?

I guess we both know the answer to that, so the real question is, what can you change so that way you will stop pursuing relationships with these toxic people? I can’t believe that there is just no one else. From what you’ve told me, you’ve lived in small towns as well as big cities, and everywhere you go you wind up forming connections with people who treat you poorly. Yes there are crappy people everywhere, but there are good people everywhere too. The common denominator here is you, girlfriend.

And that is not me telling you that there’s something wrong with you. That’s me telling you that you have the power to change this. You and only you. You may need to be lonely for awhile. I’m sorry. You may need to not pursue relationships until you can really have strong enough boundaries to not let toxic people into your life. I know it’s hard to be alone, and to feel alone and without loved ones around. My heart really goes out to you. I know that you’re a good person. And I have surmised that you’re easy on the eyes as well. None of that is the problem. The only problem here is your self love, and your inability to recognize your worth in the face of yet another POS guy.

So we’ve got to figure out…what’s going to make Jadene truly love Jadene?

xoxo
Spyce

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