[Coach Spyce]

Hi Samantha,

Welcome to the forum! Can you please share more about your story? The more info we have about what you’re going through, the easier it is for us to help.

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to the forum, and thank you so much for sharing your story! I totally understand what you’re going through. Of course as a wife and mother, you want to feel like you are the love of his life, and the one that he cherishes above all else. He did marry you, after going through heartache, so I’m sure that is very true for him on many levels, even if you don’t always feel it.

There are people that come into our lives as twin flames. Those kinds of relationships are dramatic, passionate, intense, and ultimately often hurt us deeply and break our hearts. These situations teach us a great deal, but they are not sustainable, and they are typically not people that we want to build a life with.

Then there are our soulmates. These are the people that we can spend everyday with and feel at ease, safe, cherished, and loved. Maybe they aren’t as fervent, but they are more sustainable and ever-lasting.

It sounds like that’s the kind of love that you have with your husband, and it does sound like a wonderful and happy love.

The other relationships that he had sound ultimately unhealthy, and while you may feel like those women were the ones that he “truly loved” of the ones that got away, how do you know for sure that he is pining for them? Don’t you think when it comes down to it he’d rather have a healthy and loving marriage with a woman he adores than a broken relationship with someone toxic?

It can be difficult in any long term relationship to keep the passion alive, and even the most exciting connections take work after time. Have you spoken to him about these feelings? Have you expressed your desires to him for something more?

Being open with your emotions is always a good place to start and see if your partner is willing to work on this between you. You can never change someone’s past, and you don’t have to erase his connection to those women in order to have something exciting between the two of you. But you do have to let him know what you’re going through, and give him a chance to respond before giving in to the sadness.

Looking forward to learning more,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rachael,

Hello and welcome to the forum! Thanks for reaching out and telling us more about your story! It sounds like you have a lot going on.

While I wouldn’t say it’s “awful” because you are both not divorced, I would say that I don’t think it’s realistic that this man will open his heart to you when he is just barely closing it from another. You are both in precarious places and it’s a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I am of the mind that it’s important to take time in between relationships to see where things went wrong, and to learn more about yourself so that things can go better next time.

I just don’t know that now is the right time for the two of you, and it sounds like he knows it too. If you really feel that he is “the one”, then you will need to give him time to realize it as well. But it sounds like you’re putting pressure on him that is scaring him and pushing him away.

Might there be a way that you can ease up a little and let him come to you a bit? You might find that when you put the brakes on and relax, he will feel more at ease to open up and enjoy what you can have together.

Let me know how that sounds,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Fung,

So you want a steady boyfriend…but do you want HIM as a steady boyfriend? To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you are that invested in being with him. If that’s the case, that’s more than fine. But being clear about what you want is paramount to taking the correct action.

To me it sounds like he’s not that serious either, and maybe he can tell that you’re not too into him. Also how long does he plan on living there? Is he a permanent resident? If he’s only there for a short amount of time, he may not be interested in building a deep relationship, only to have to end it sooner than later.

In terms of spending $50 each time that you go out, paying for the bill does not necessarily indicate that someone is in love. He could be lonely, away from the familiarities of home, and it’s nice to spend time with someone and have a meal. It’s not really that much to pay.

To me, it sounds like a casual friendship with the possibility of sex. But the whole situation feels lackluster and without passion. I guess I’m wondering what you really want from him? When I can understand that more, I can be more inclined to give you a better idea of how to get that.

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Wong,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story with us and letting us know how things are going with you and your relationship.

You are not alone in that now is an extremely difficult time for people to be in long distance relationships, with travel restrictions and such. Hopefully things will be changing on that front soon, but none of us know exactly when that will be, and so we all just have to hang tight.

But even in general, cross continental love can be challenging. The deepest love is built with time spent, and getting to really know the person in many situations, including the daily ones. When you don’t have that ability, it’s hard to develop deep feeling for someone, because in all fairness, you don’t really know each other.

It sounds like he has residual fear left over from his past long distance relationship, that a situation of this kind isn’t going to work with him. And perhaps he is right in knowing that about himself. But often people do things that they know won’t work for them in the long run because in the short term it feels good. I’m also sure that he genuinely likes and cares for you, and so that certainly played a part in his decision to continue moving forward with you as well.

But if he’s now not feeling like it’s realistic for the two of you, that’s something that you have to consider. You mentioned that you had a plan to visit him at the end of February. What happened with that plan?
I’m also wondering if you have asked him directly what has happened for him since New Year’s eve that changed his mind?
I personally always believe that boldness is the best course of action.

Try asking that and let me know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Samantha, I’m so glad to hear you say that you’d rather not be in a relationship that’s not fully reciprocal! I see you having big breakthroughs and growing in leaps and bounds just in the past few weeks that we’ve started talking and I am here for it!

I have confidence in you that when the time comes, you will make the choices that you need to for your own growth, whatever those choices may be. You are a strong woman, and I hope you know in your heart of hearts, that you can and will find the man who not only appreciates that, but adores you for everything that you are, and fully commits to being your life partner.
Throughout all of this, I want you to keep on holding out that vision for yourself.

Which leads me to my more woo suggestions!
Creative visualization and meditation: Set a timer for 5 minutes. Sit in a quiet place and focus inward. Start to imagine your perfect relationship. See yourself fully in the relationship. Notice what you’re doing, what you’re wearing, and focus on the feeling that you have. When it comes to the man that you’re imagining being with, it’s ok (and maybe better in this scenario) to not see his exact face, but you can if it helps you. For that, you can just let it come to you. The only thing is to make sure that it’s not your current friend’s face (see below on a suggestion for how to do that).
The most important thing in these meditations is to just notice things. Notice what thoughts and feelings come to you while in this state. Do you feel hopeful? Hopeless? Excited? Dejected? Take note of all of this as it will be valuable information moving forward.
The purpose of this exercise is to get you into the mindset that I mentioned. Which is knowing and feeling that everything that you want in a relationship is possible for you, with someone who is choosing that with you and wants it just as much as you do.

Another suggestion that I would have to try before this is a cord-cutting meditation. This is to help you cut the energetic cords that are holding you to this man for the past 4 years, and keeping you bound in the idea that he’s the only one that can give you what you want, even though he’s not willing to. You can find these kinds of things easily on youtube through a basic search. Maybe just try a short one and give it a couple of days. I would recommend doing one of these before attempting the creative visualization I suggested above.

I understand being skeptical and I am as well, but I always feel like it doesn’t hurt to try these things, and who knows? It might help.
Because when it comes down to it, the only thing really keeping you in this situation and unable to move on are your own thoughts and feelings. But the good news is that you are the one who is in control of those, so you are the one that can change them.

Wishing you all the best always,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Fung,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your questions! Sounds like you are a take charge kind of woman who knows what she wants, which is really admirable and a wonderful quality.

From what you’re describing, it could be that he does have someone else as he doesn’t sound too attentive. I mean, you offered the man sex and he didn’t take you up on it! Something is going on…

It could also be that there are cultural differences in terms of the time spent in the apartment. Maybe he truly isn’t comfortable bringing someone over, but that sounds a bit suspect to me as well.

I’m wondering what is your end goal with having sex with him? Is it with the hope that having sex will bring you closer? Because without more clear communication and emotional intimacy, that’s not likely to happen. As a matter of fact, it will probably have the opposite affect and end the relationship.

So my question would be, what exactly do you want with this guy? You mentioned that you have other options and I don’t doubt it. Are you looking for him to be your steady boyfriend? Do you want a non-monogamous lover? Do you want a fling for the time he’s in town? Knowing your end game will make it simpler to determine what the best course of action is in this particular scenario…

Let me know your plans!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Krisann,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for connecting and letting us know what you are dealing with!

I have a few thoughts on this, so here they are. First one is something I’ve been preaching for a very long time, which I call “Spyce’s rule of casz (as in casual)”. When you’re testing out the waters of someone’s interests and you don’t know for certain what they are, there’s no reason to be too overt and risk creating an awkward situation, especially with someone who may be in your life in other ways. So this is a good time to be friendly, but casual.

It sounds like you have propinquity because he’s in your brother’s life and subsequently yours, so when you do see him, treat him like a friend, or like someone that you’re really happy to see. There’s no reason to act shy, demure, or coy. Just be natural but also go out of your way to get to know him, the same way that you would any person that you are interested in learning more about. Don’t focus on the burning desire that you have for him, just concentrate on spending time and being personable.
Most of the best relationships come from friendships that grow over time.

Also, use this time to really get to know him and you might also get better answers to what’s going on in his life. For example, what’s his relationship style? His love languages? Is he actually someone who is available for a relationship? I recently saw a show where this girl liked her brother’s “best friend”. Turned out that her brother was in the closet and that his “best friend” was his boyfriend! Not that I’m saying that’s the case, but the more information you have, the better the outcome always is.

Excited to hear how it goes!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Huyen,

So sorry for the delay in response! It must have actually been a technical error because I had responded but I don’t see anything here so I’ll respond again.

First off, someone yelling at you about how you have to calm down and that you’re too angry never really makes sense, does it? He is definitely projecting on that one!

Of course it’s a very difficult situation that you’re in, and I hope that you are able to make changes soon to facilitate a happier home environment. But in the meantime, you have to deal with someone who you have inherent issues ahd triggers with, and try to keep the peace as much as you can, while also making sure that your needs are being met.

It is wonderful that you are standing up for yourself and striving for clear communication. You are doing nothing wrong with that and everything right. And not that it’s right, but you must be prepared for some backlash and try not to let it dampen your desire to take care of yourself.
I’m confident that what you said was not overly harsh, but when someone is not used to you standing up for yourself, they can take any amount of strength as an attack. That’s on him though, not you.

The way that you responded sounds great. You didn’t blame him for anything, you simply stated what you want and need. Remember to keep using “I” statements and expressing how things make you feel from a place of asking for what you need.

In terms of what do you when he appears upset, the best tactic can be to acknowledge his emotions. For example, “I understand that you feel like I am angry, but I am not.” Also ask him if there’s a way that would work better for you to express yourself. For example: “I do feel like it’s important for me to be able to tell you what works for me. Is there a way I could do that that you would feel more comfortable with?”

This isn’t deferring to him, it’s just actually making you look like a good communicator, which is the crux of what you really want in this situation.

Here’s to you continuing to stand up for the most important person in your life, YOU!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Samantha,

Have you posted in the forum before, or are you new here? If this is your first time with us, welcome and we are happy that you’re reaching out! I’d love to hear more about your story if you’re willing to share. It will allow us to be more helpful the more information we have about what’s going on with you.

Are you in a relationship right now? Have you broken up with your partner? Do you live together?

Oftentimes the disentangling process can take quite awhile, and someone can continue to want to have you in their life out of fear, necessity, or just plain familiarity, long after it’s really a good idea to still do so.

Or there may be other things that are going on causing him to feel like he wants to push you away.

Please send some more info and we will do our best to support you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello,

I’m sorry to hear that he’s giving you so many mixes messages. I know that it’s very confusing and that happens because he obviously is unclear in himself. It sounds like he wants a fairy tale relationship, and if it doesn’t seem like that right off the bat, he is unwilling to do the work to see if it can get to that place.
But on the other hand, he’s trying to keep you on the hook, just in case. So it sounds like he is confused.

All you can control is what you do, and I’d start by asking how confused you are at this point as to whether or not you want to be with him. He’s not making the effort, so are you willing to chase after him to make him see what he’s missing? In reality, if the relationship starts out this way, there will always be a memory of this time when you had to convince him to be with you. That’s not respecting yourself, and you are worth more than that.

You deserve to be with someone who wants you and chooses you, not something that you have to persuade to love you. Whether its due to his own issues or not, it still is work that you shouldn’t have to take on.

So I agree with you. Write him a goodbye message, have closure, and move on. That’s not desperate, that’s strong and clear.

You can say what you told me, that you would like to get to know him better and see if you guys can have something, but that you’re not willing to chase someone to convince them of your worth. You know your worth and you’re better than that. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. Godspeed and good luck.

How does that feel to you?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

It’s difficult to say with certainty whether or not he’s responding to you out of a sense of guilt and concern, or if he’s actually trying to reconnect and rekindle the love and connection that you once had.
As I mentioned before, I don’t think that you go from being best friends with someone for 10 years, being romantically involved for a time after that, and then just go to nothing.
But in reality, it sounds like your romantic relationship started from a place of obligation. You said that you were in a low place in your life and he became romantically involved to help you, which gives me pause.

Now it sounds like he really wants to focus on getting his own life in order, which he has every right to do and will make him a better partner in the long run. If your relationship is based on mutual support, it might feel like a lot right now to continue on in that vein, and being less involved could potentially help both of you to grow as people. It sounds like you’ve been using the time away from him to work on yourself, and maybe we can do that as well.

It’s obvious that he still cares about you, and I’m sure that he always will. But taking a step back could help you both.

That being said, only you and him can decide what you want your relationship to look like. It sounds like it’s been very confusing and there’s a lot of back and forth. I would recommend having a clear and honest discussion with him.
Let him know how the uncertainty of the situation affects you and see if he has any more clarity on his own emotions. He may not, but at least starting the conversation will give you a place to move forward from.

Let me know what happens!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

How are things going? I apologize if I wasn’t clear on the parameters of the relationship and how things had been going with the two of you. As mentioned, I came a little late to the party so I may have been confused as to what was actually happening.

It sounds like he has strange ideas about love but not necessarily out of the norm for men. They think that they are going to feel something amazing right away, and if they don’t that its not real. when in reality, love grows. And as I mentioned above, you barely know each other. It’s ridiculous for him to think that he can make a determination in such a short time. That’s why I mentioned that you should get to know each other more, and it sounds like that was your plan as well.

Do you still want to break up with him?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jeanne,

Welcome to the forum, and I do apologize for the delay in response as your message got lost in the shuffle! But I am here for you now and happy to help you make sense of all this.

First off, I want to thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I am so sorry that you are going through this heartbreak. It’s such an exciting feeling to reconnect with someone, and then to have this intense bond with them when you haven’t felt that in a long time can be truly intoxicating.

And of course, when you first meet someone (or re-meet as in this case), you are only seeing all of the best parts of them, and all of the parts you want to see, and trying to overlook any of those that are incongruent with yours. It’s natural to want to believe that something that you know is a dealbreaker for you will be ok, and that “love conquers all”, even if there are inherent incompatibilities looming in the foreground.

It sounds like he was aware that there were differences in your lifestyles that could lead to troubles, but passion and intensity can make us ignore those, and it sounds like he was able to do that, at least during the week. But then on the weekends when he was with friends or more deeply ensconced in other aspects of his life, it became more difficult to ignore. When he went on the trip, he was obviously severely influenced by his buddies and it became apparent that you wound’t fit into each other’s lives in reality, only in the fantasy that you were both participating in when you were connecting alone.

Now one could say that your solo interactions with someone are really the most important and while I happen to agree in some ways, it’s also fair to say that nothing exists in a vacuum and that having a compatible lifestyle, views, morals, etc really do hold weight in deepening of a relationship as well.

So that leads me to a question which is: how well did he fit into your life? How compatible is he with your lifestyle, your values, and the things that you hold dear? How much bending would you have to do to accommodate him as a partner? Would your friends and family accept him?

I know that this all feels like a huge rejection, and I want you to know that I am for certain sending lots of love to your hurting heart, but I do want you to think about these questions, and what the reality could be of who this person is and what they would be bringing to your life.

Please let me know, I’m awaiting your answer!
Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey lady,

Well I’m glad to hear that these conversations have helped you gained some further understanding into his psyche. To be fair, I think that you are pretty intuitive and clear about his ways, and it’s just a further testament to how much you can trust your gut instincts, because it seems like you are often pretty spot on. But of course it helps to have someone outside of the situation point out a few things here and there. It can be difficult to always see clearly when we are in a situation, and all of the elements affect us so deeply.

To me it’s plain as day what a pleaser he is, as you mentioned, even down to wearing your favorite outfit when he visits you. I’m sure there must be that temptation to see if you can get him to cross his boundaries and go down the relationship road with you by appealing to that side of him, and it’s indicative of what a strong and upstanding person you are that you have never once tried to manipulate him into giving you that. In fact, you’ve even said that you only want him to open up to the deeper relationship with you if that’s what he really wants, and that is really commendable. You’re really such a good person, Samantha!

So yes, option three, releasing attachment and letting go of needing to have a certain outcome. Very deep work that can take many of us a lifetime to achieve. Sometimes I wonder if it’s in our makeup as humans to really be able to master this incredible feat. Buddhism touts this kind of activity as holy and sacred, and I concur that it likely is! But how is always the issue…

A few ideas come to mind.
One is something that we’ve talked about before, and that you reference here. And that is working on your own life’s goals and dreams, and moving forward in those realms as much as possible given the times that we are in.
The indomitable Mae West had a saying: The best way to get over someone is to get over someone else.
While there is some truth in that, I’m saying that here more as tongue in cheek, and mostly relating it to just other human relationships. Of course covid makes it difficult to cultivate friendships, but is there a way that you could be in better touch with a few friends? And along those lines, are there any girlfriends that know this struggle that you’ve been dealing with that maybe could act as a “sponsor” of sorts? Be willing to allow you to call them when you really want to call him? Something like that…

Something else that is perhaps more difficult in the short term but could be helpful in the longer term is going headfirst into your grief around this. Maybe you haven’t looked too deeply at that because you have been holding out hope that he is going to come around, but maybe it’s time to give up on that, and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the notion that he is going to be your partner.
Grief is a funny thing, because we can’t actually control it. It comes when we don’t ask it to, and when we say that we are good and ready to deal with it, it’s nowhere to be found. But if it’s something that you can access in some ways, dealing with that emotion might help.

I also have ideas around meditation and cord-cutting rituals but I’m not sure how woo-woo you are so I’ll save those unless you tell me that you’d like to know more.

Here for you and wishing you peace and success,
Spyce

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