[Coach Spyce]

I’m not typically in the forum on the weekend but I didn’t want to leave you hanging. I normally wouldn’t recommend text because it’s so impersonal, but since you are feeling very emotional about it, that might be best.

My inclination would be to write to him and let him know how much this hurts you, and all the things I’ve mentioned. Tell him that if you’re going to be in this relationship, he has to be willing to put your happiness ahead of his pain. Say the things that you want to say, and then let him know that you want to see him in person, and give a specific day. If he doesn’t respond, you can do one of two things. Either let him know that if he doesn’t respond you are done, or if it feels better to you and you need to have this out in person, go over there.

I have faith in you that you know what to do. Trust your gut, ask for what you want, and know what you are and aren’t willing to live with. He is not the only man in the world, and if he’s not going to be the man that you need, then you don’t need him!

Keep us posted!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

First off, I’m so sorry for that experience you had. How hurtful, and how rejecting. I want to keep reminding you that none of this is about you. Please don’t forget that.
I need to be real with you, and you told us that’s what you want so here goes. At this point, I’d be done with being patient. Because the more I’m hearing about what’s going on here, the more that I feel that you have to take a stand.
He’s been there for how long and hasn’t seen you and you haven’t messaged him since Tuesday and now it’s the end of the week? Oh hell no! Life is too damn short for this kaka in the middle of a pandemic!

Ok great, he’s avoidant. That’s great information for us, but it doesn’t mean he gets a prize. But he is getting a prize because he’s getting you, a wonderful woman who loves him being there for him. It’s not fair for him to treat you this way.
It sounds like you are very self aware and strive to be so, and are always looking to be learning and growing within yourself. People like that don’t run from confrontation. Like you said, you are willing to move through the tough things in order to get to the juicy center. You sound really emotionally mature while he, on the other hand, is being a selfish you know what.
At this point, you have been more than kind, you have been more than patient, and you have been more than respectful to the way he feels like he needs to communicate. But enough is enough. He needs to be kind and respectful to you and your feelings as well, and this sh+t aint right!

This one time I was dating an avoidant (because there seriously has only been one time as an adult), he got mad at me because of some basic miscommunication, and on my way driving to his house, canceled and turned his phone off. I was and am a very busy and assertive person and had put aside this time for a special evening together. We had both been looking forward to it, and I was not going to let his fear (because that’s what avoidant behaviour is, right? He’s said it himself, he’s afraid of what he’s going to say. He’s afraid of his emotions.) ruin it for both of us. So I just drove over there and went in anyway (he lived with other people). I barged right into his room and he couldn’t suppress a smile. I asked him to be honest with me about what was going on and it turned out that he was triggered by something that he thought I was saying. He eventually realized that it wasn’t a thing, and we had a lovely evening after all.

Later on, he told me that the reason he was smiling when I came in was because no one had ever done that to him. When he would say no and put up a wall, people would just stay away. He liked that I was willing to climb over the wall, push it down, and encourage him to look at what he wasn’t.

That ended eventually for many reasons but I was so glad to get away from someone whose attachment and communication style, as well as emotional maturity level, just didn’t reach my own. And at the end of the day, he wasn’t really willing to work on it.

As you’ve made clear, this man that you’re with knows what he’s doing. It’s a very old pattern, something that he does with his mom as well as I’m sure every woman that he’s ever been close with. When I was with the avoidant, I’d say to myself, “do you think that you’re the only woman who’s ever tried to love him?”
I knew I wasn’t, and eventually that made me able to let him go.

I’m afraid in your case that he will do it more, not less when you go to live with him, if you don’t start letting him know NOW how bad this is impacting you. It’s getting worse already, and if he sees that you are ok with this, he will continue until it’s not. But you have to let him know where that is.

Maybe you haven’t come to a boundary, but you might want to look at where that is. It’s not fair for you to cry all the way home and for him to reject you when he’s visiting the place where you are that he doesn’t live in. It’s not like he’s someone you’ve been casually dating. You’ve been together for 3 years! I understand that he has some emotional things that he’s dealing with, but at this point I feel like his treatment of you is going too far.

Maybe Heidi feels differently as she recognizes the avoidant pattern in herself so she can understand where he’s coming from. But Heidi has worked on herself so she can be clear with people and not hurt them. He needs to get to that point because you deserve better.

Normalizing and accepting his behaviour as ok, and just something that you have to “put up with” is not doing you OR him, any good. If he has a “cancer” inside of him that’s making him do this, don’t you think that he wants to change? Don’t you think he wants to heal and be well? I do. An important step to him moving forward on that path is for you to let him know how much what he’s doing is hurting you. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be acknowledged and heard.

You don’t have to do it in a blaming way, but you do have to do it. Because if not, he might leave without seeing you and that’s going to break your heart into a million pieces. So before that happens, give him a chance to stand up for you. Give him the courtesy of letting him know what misery he’s bringing to you, and see if he’s willing to try and correct it.

If he is, he’s willing to do the work, then he’s a keeper. If he’s not, and he’d rather live treating the people that he cares about poorly, then you need to let him go because it will only get worse, not better. It’s only been 3 times in 3 years. So far. If you don’t nip this in the bud now, you will only have a harder time wrangling him back in.

And honey, you deserve more than that!
To reiterate what Heidi said above
I always come back to this…you need to be loved, valued and chosen for who you are. So this part of you that reached out and shared what you learned, is part of who you are and deserves to be valued and loved. Plain and simple.

You are a strong and fierce woman, I can tell. I may not know what you do for work or where you live, but it’s obvious to me that you are loyal and driven. You can go the distance AND you like to. So you need to be with someone who wants to go the distance with you.

So give him a chance. Reach out to him and tell him how you feel. See what he does.

I think this alone will give you many, many answers!

Waiting to hear back!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cindy,

Being productive is great, and doing the things that you love is helpful! Are there any projects or hobbies that you can think of that your partner didn’t like or appreciate, and that you may have put on the back burner for awhile? Now would be a perfect time to start incorporating those things back into your life. Or if there are things that you have wanted to do but just haven’t gotten around to, you can use those when you’re feeling blue to distract yourself.
Sometimes it helps to sit down and make a list of all of the things that you could possibly do for self care and then when you’re feeling sad or lonely, refer back to that list, and pick one of the items on it to try out.
Let me know how that works out!

In terms of rebuilding the love, it doesn’t sound impossible but as mentioned before, I wouldn’t want you sitting around waiting for him either. It sounds like here was something specific that happened in your relationship that was shocking to him, and that he felt like he couldn’t forgive in that moment. It also sounds like that’s part of how he is, that he gets very upset in the moment, but after a time he feels less intensely, and forgives you. Unfortunately he doesn’t forget and will bring it up when triggered again, and that is the danger of continuing to build a relationship with him.

It could be that he is going through this process now. Perhaps he is realizing that he judged you too harshly and threw away the relationship carelessly, and now has regret about his flippant decision. That’s all fine and good, but in order to really return to what you once had, you may want to require him to recognize this pattern he has, of getting very upset about things and taking them personally, blaming you and running away, and then coming back to realize that things weren’t what he thought and forgiving. That’s a very harmful and painful process, and I would assume that you wouldn’t want to keep going on in this destructive way.

For now, just relax in the process, and try to focus on your own thing. Appreciate the connection with him, and wait and see how things progress. If in a week or two you are starting to feel like things are going back to normal, have a conversation with him when he’s in a clear and calm space about this pattern of his and see how willing he is to at first notice it, and then after that, willing to make changes to have a healthier relationship with you.

Let us know how it’s panning out!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Karolyn,

Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forum! Sounds like this has been a confusing situation for you, and it definitely is when you are close to someone for so long as a friend, and then it becomes sexual without there being some major conversations about the implications of the situation.

I think now you have to get an idea from him as to what he’s available for, and what that meant to him. I know it may feel difficult to have this conversation, but unless you ask, you won’t really know.

It could be…he’s always liked you as more than a friend and he’s been waiting all this time for you to see him like that.

It could be…he’s always felt very comfortable with you and is in a low point in his life and wanted the comfort of knowing that someone wanted him.

It could be…he had just gotten out of jail and he was horny af and knows that you’re an old friend and THINKS that it would just be a friend thing.

I can come up with more and we can speculate all we want, but there’s not enough information here to know what’s really going on.

You don’t have to ask him in a needy way or come out to him with how much you are into it, but you can just ask him how he felt about it. Let him answer before you say anything, and just get his thoughts.

But I’m also wondering about your thoughts. It didn’t sound like he was ever more than a friend to you and that you didn’t particularly think of him that way so I’m wondering what happened? Are you feeling this way after sleeping together or had you thought of him romantically before?

Get back to me so I can be of more help!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Karolyn,

Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forum! Sounds like this has been a confusing situation for you, and it definitely is when you are close to someone for so long as a friend, and then it becomes sexual without there being some major conversations about the implications of the situation.

I think now you have to get an idea from him as to what he’s available for, and what that meant to him. I know it may feel difficult to have this conversation, but unless you ask, you won’t really know.

It could be…he’s always liked you as more than a friend and he’s been waiting all this time for you to see him like that.

It could be…he’s always felt very comfortable with you and is in a low point in his life and wanted the comfort of knowing that someone wanted him.

It could be…he had just gotten out of jail and he was horny af and knows that you’re an old friend and THINKS that it would just be a friend thing.

I can come up with more and we can speculate all we want, but there’s not enough information here to know what’s really going on.

You don’t have to ask him in a needy way or come out to him with how much you are into it, but you can just ask him how he felt about it. Let him answer before you say anything, and just get his thoughts.

But I’m also wondering about your thoughts. It didn’t sound like he was ever more than a friend to you and that you didn’t particularly think of him that way so I’m wondering what happened? Are you feeling this way after sleeping together or had you thought of him romantically before?

Get back to me so I can be of more help!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, it’s certainly good to be aware of other people’s energies and that skill is a big part of self awareness as well so it works in more ways than one!

I guess I’m just wondering…why don’t you know how to answer when he asks, “So, what’s new with you?”
Do you get nervous?

That’s why I recommend just talking to him like a friend. I’m a kinda TMI sort of person because I feel that the more that you are open with people about your life, the more they feel connected to you and bought into your story. Now of course there is a fine line between transparency and being a hot mess, and staying on the right side of that is important, and not everyone gets the privilege of your story, but if you want someone to like you, you have to be willing to open up a little bit and show them who you are. He won’t feel anything more for you than his friend’s sister if you don’t show him anything besides you being his friend’s sister.

So flirt a little, test the waters. And like I said from the beginning, employ Spyce’s Rule of Casz…I’m just being friendly 😉

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rebecca,

First off, I LOVE that you want us to not “go soft” on you, and that works for me as it fits my personality and style to a T! I definitely am the kind of person who would much rather the truth than a nice lie, and I find it’s more loving that way too. If someone really cares about you, they will tel lyou the truth, no matter how hard it is. So it’s my way of loving ferociously.

And speaking of loving ferociously, it sounds like you are willing to go the long haul with this man, and you are right, 3 times in 3 years is not that much in the scheme of some things, as long as it becomes better and not worse. I agree with what Heidi said about this being his coping mechanism that he’s learned, and unless he’s willing to deal with it, it will be forever, But if he is willing then anything is possible. If he can learn to recognize his triggers, he can learn to manage them and eventually they might go away.
Because the Avoidant/Anxious dance is only a series of reactions, and when you can see them as such, you realize that they don’t have to mean anything at all, and certainly nothing about the status of your relationship.

That’s what I mean about there not being love lost, and what Heidi said too about her experience as an Avoidant. It’s not that you don’t want to be with the person in general, you just need time away to process because that’s how you know to react in the given situation.

But there is something to be said for being with someone who is NOT avoidant, and you seemed to maybe be alluding to that? Like if he doesn’t eventually shape up?
All I know is that I am, like you, Secure/Anxious, and only get super anxious when I’m with an Avoidant. I’ve only briefly dated a few briefly and find myself much happier with those who deal with their emotions in the same way that I do.
I was going to make a Tshirt once…“Life is Too Short to Date an Avoidant”, haha!

In terms of how he would deal with things if you were living together, it could probably go one of two ways. Either it happens less, or it happens more. Realistically it would probably happen more and then IF he was willing to work on it, it would happen less. In terms of the specifics, I guess that would depend on him. Does he like to drive to relax? Is he the kind of person who could ignore and not talk to you or is he chatty? How long could he hold out? Either way, at least you would know. I think you mentioned the opportunity to live with him. What are your thoughts on that?

There are many workshops on this kind of thing. I’ll look around too and see what I can come up with!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Of course! Now that we’ve met I will want to know how you are doing and be kept in the loop with you!
Now you’ve got me caring…I think that you’re someone who is good at that! You are a very intriguing woman and I can see why your friend wants you so much in his life.
And yet it always come back to the same thing…what is he willing to do to keep you there, and what is he willing to lose to not face his fears or change his ways?

But in the meantime, life marches on. You continue to have pretty great times with him consistently and the time spent and intimacy of propinquity and emotional closeness just grows. You are a very steadfast and consistent person, you have the patience of a damn saint too! I am always rooting for you to receive the love that I know you deserve.

I know that you don’t believe what I say about there being a man out there who will love you deeply in every way, but I’m pretty positive that it’s only because you haven’t had it yet in the way that you want. You do actually have it with him, in everything but intention only, so that’s actual proof that you can have it. You can be loved, adored, and cherished!
The fact that you’re with a man who does all of that for you but won’t give it a label and commit to being a partner is not a reflection of you not being worthy of having it, or that no one would feel that for you. Because he does feel it, but his own issues won’t allow him to.
Also, I have to be real with you now…it’s also you being ok with it. As you’ve said, he is the best you’ve ever had so of course you want to hang onto it. That’s natural and I think you should find a way to have him in your life as long as you want him here, but here’s the thing…this kind of situation, is NOT the only thing you can ever have, or the best you’ll ever have! You are a person who wants to grow, and I have faith that you will do the things that bring you the most growth when it comes down to it. I know that you can have that love in your life.
I mean, you have the being awesome and loveable part down! You have the excellent girlfriend/friend/coach/etc vibes all over you! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you are an amazing and total catch! Him being willing to give that up is on him, not on you.

But also, you’ve already written the story that he would give you up, because you’re not someone who someone else would stand up for, when really you are. It’s just that you don’t require it for connection, because you don’t believe in it yourself. And that’s why you’ve picked and stayed connected to this amazingly strong and stubborn man who can feed into all of your negative thoughts about yourself with his actions. He can prove to you that you’re unloveable, and that you’re right. His issues are delectable, like food for your triggers they directly feed them. But it’s junk food, because it’s the junk that he’s dealing with, that he has to work through in order to be healthy in love. But you know how it is with junk food, when someone else is eating it, you want to to also!

It’s crazy how we can do that to ourselves, and how keenly we are able to find it…just that exact person who can throw you into a tailspin, make you desperate for them without even trying, give you the ultimate highs and the deep lows…but many times we need these people so we can learn the deeper lessons about ourselves. And that’s why I understand so deeply why you have this connection that you’re not wanting to let go of. It’s a very special and important relationship.
Not to get too woo on you again, but that’s kinda how I roll…but have you ever heard of twin flames?

It’s all about how certain people come into our lives to teach us things. We light each other up, love each other fiercely, and oftentimes crash and burn each other in the process. They are intense and incredibly deep relationships, but they are not there for the long term, even though you think that you want them to be. And thankfully so! Because later on, you realize why they were in your life and how the experience with them led you to a better place where you are now, and now is better than that place you were in before when you thought what you had was the best. There’s a new best now. In fact, it just keeps getting better and better. I truly believe and have experienced that.
The more you love yourself, the more you attract love to you. The more you think you’re worth, the more people will value you. The more confident you are about something, the more people will believe in you.
I absolutely see this for you.

On the day he didn’t call…what was so upsetting about the fact that he didn’t call/text? After all, you talk to him every day multiple times, what was the issue? You had just been with him the night before and I know you know him well. Didn’t you know what he was doing, or would be doing?
Or were you afraid he was upset with you? Or would never contact you?
Don’t worry, whatever it was doesn’t have to make sense. Many times our brains take us to a crazy place where we’re so deeply enmeshed with someone triggering your anxiety.

So I’m wondering what it was that day, and then…where does that feeling come from? When do you remember having those feelings?

Soon we will have to talk about attachment styles because I don’t think we have. Do you know about those? Learning about them can be a very revelatory practice and really give a lot of insight into the psyche of relationships. I’d assume that you are anxious/secure and he is anxious/avoidant but that’s just my hunch.

I’ll talk more about that next time, I think I’ve given you a good bunch to chew on for now 🙂

Lots of love,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Honey, sweetheart, babygirl, I’m so sorry that you’re hurting! I’m giving you a big hug through the interwebs!

Rejection never feels good, even if you know that the person isn’t right for you. Like I’ve mentioned, he’s never going to be real with you about what he feels, and so he’s going to give you the answer that comes the easiest to him, which is the whole chemistry thing. But once again, you have to be able to separate that from yourself and who you are.

Even though I’ve never met you in person, I know that you’re a beautiful and lovely person, who gives their heart deeply, and that’s a wonderful thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. He is the one who was unclear and gave you false hopes and ideas. You did nothing wrong! You did not blow it, or mess up in anyway, and there’s nothing for you to “fix”.

I’m so sorry bu the fact is that for numerous reasons that we’ve discussed multiple times that have absolutely nothing to do with you and how he feels about you, he was never going to be a boyfriend to you, a partner, or a real relationship. At most he would have been a friends with benefits. But he sees that you want more and so he is cutting it off sooner than later, which is one of the good things that he’s done. Because continuing to sleep with you regardless of the hot chemistry you have would be cruel and hurtful, because he can’t give you what you want and deserve. So him stopping the sex is his way of letting you know that he cares about and respects you.

You have to reframe your thoughts around this because he is not a good match for you in anyway! And he is doing you a favor but cutting this off sooner than later. It’s not at all about chemistry or him liking you as a person or friend. It’s that he is not available for a relationship AT ALL. He’s so obviously emotionally stunted. And messing around with you is just another indicator of that.

Please stop being hard on yourself, sweetheart. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Here is an article that I want you to take a look at. Please remember that you are wonderful and that you did nothing wrong.

5 Ways to Reframe Negative Thoughts

Lots of love,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rebecca,

Thanks for sharing your story! I’ve enjoyed reading thru the past posts and learning more about you. You seem like a brave and courageous, hard-working, intelligent, and introspective woman. Yes that was a mouthful, right?! Because you definitely sound like the whole package to me!

Wow, this man is soooo lucky and blessed that you are willing to put so much effort into this relationship after all these years. People change a lot in almost 30 years, and it’s pretty rare and magical to connect so deeply with someone from your past like that. I can understand why it feels so vital! But it also sounds like his emotional intelligence skills are stuck in the past as well, and are in need of an upgrade.

Every love and committed relationship has some work, and it’s all about what work is worth it and how deeply it impacts you. Glad that Heidi turned you on to the attachment styles as knowing that about your partner and yourself can really be helpful. The dance between the Avoidant and the Anxious is a popular one. As an Anxious, there’s nothing we want more than to just feel secure in the love of our person. It doesn’t even have to be anything monumental, as long as they are there, and don’t pull away. But the Avoidant’s main move IS to pull away. When they face a difficult emotion, all they know how to do is flee. The Anxious sees the Avoidant pulling away and chases after them, desperate to ensure that the love is still there. For the Avoidant it’s just a habit, and it doesn’t mean the love is gone, but this is how they process their emotions.But the Anxious person processing their emotions only further triggers the Avoidant into reclusivity. And the dance continues!

So it does come down to how resourced you are in yourself before getting caught up in this waltz.
How is it going to affect you?

It sounds like you have your head about you and know that you don’t need him per se, and I really am glad to hear you say that you won’t do ANYTHING to be with him, and that you have boundaries that he needs to respect. Also creating a self care day for yourself and holding on to that clarity that you have options and hope if he’s not in your life is gorgeous work and superb self love practices. I would encourage you to keep loving yourself deeply throughout this process, and remembering what a gift you are giving him by being willing to “put up with him”.
And then it’s up to you to determine how long you ARE willing to wait around for him? At 50 years old, he may make some changes if he really wants to, but it’s not going to be an easy road, and he will have to be motivated. Sometimes sadly, the only way that people get that motivation is through loss. But we shall see.

I am hopeful for you and your big heart, and I am looking forward to hearing how this all goes for you!
Let us know if he comes around this weekend 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Well…

Maybe he’ll never think of it, or maybe he could think of it one day, or maybe he’s obsessed with you already! You never actually know what’s going on in someone’s head…

It sounds like you’re not broken up about it either way and have a great attitude about it, so you should be fine!

But if you ever do find yourself spending some time around him, I’d encourage you to try my suggestions of making more conversation with him and learning more about him. That always works much better than just ignoring or steering clear of your crush. After all, either getting to know him makes you like him more or less, but either way, you get an answer!

Feel free to message us about this, or any other relationship experience you’re having.
Always happy to support 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hello sweet lady,

Sorry to hear that things have been tough for you! I know that there are many things going on in your life and your heart that are difficult right now. I really want to you being kind and caring for yourself.
You have been through a lot of trauma in the last few months. I’m sure that making the decision to have an abortion was very difficult, and I don’t know if people in your life are sensitive to that. And that concerns me.

It further concerns me because your ex/bff is really upset about you communicating and getting support from your friends and family, which is something that is healthy and you should be doing more of. It’s selfish of him to only think of himself in that situation and saving his own face. If he feels badly about what he did, so be it. He needs to be real about his responsibility for the issues in your relationship, and come clean with it.

Either way, you are a person who has been through and it sounds like is going through emotional turmoil. It also sounds like you also need to have people around you that you can talk to. Cutting you off from your friends and family is actually really awful, and can in some cases, border on abuse. I understand that maybe his reasonings were not malicious and just came out of his own insecurity, but they still affected you deeply, and are affecting you still.

I hope that knowing that at least will help you to not take on the blame he’s trying to put on you for doing the thing that makes him have to “never be in a relationship” with you. That’s really not fair.

Both of you getting your lives to a state where you feel grounded and secure is what’s necessary right now. You are a good person, and you don’t deserve to suffer. He is too confused and caught in his own issues to truly give you what you need, and it’s good that you’re getting professional help.

The two of you obviously care deeply about each other, but you cannot save each other from pain, and it’s sounds like you’re caught in a really co-dependent loop. I understand how much you want to end up with him, and that might happen. But now you have to focus on now, and getting your life to a good place.

What steps are you taking for yourself to get healthy?

I’m here to support, encourage, hold you accountable, or whatever you need!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Karen,

How’s it going? Anything new on the relationship front?

Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Huyen,

We haven’t heard from you in awhile and I just wanted to check in on you and see how things are going? I know that it can be very stressful when you are living with someone that you’ve split from and have residual drama with.

How are you holding up?

Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Krisann,

How are you? Any new developments with your crush?

Waiting patiently to hear some news 🙂

[Author]

Posts