[Coach Spyce]

Hey sweetie,

How are you?? So here’s the thing. I totally understand how the finality of that would feel off to you, especially since he is someone that you will see at work and you have people in common. And I also understand how once you care about someone, you always care about them in a way. I further understand that you want to have a friendship with him, and so you don’t see it as being over. And I agree.

It, meaning your relationship with him, doesn’t have to be OVER. But it does have to change. And in order for you to have anything with him and have it not be OVER OVER, you have to do what Heidi said and REST!! Stop trying to interpret what he’s saying or doing. Stop trying to win him back or make him like you again. You have to realize, THAT part is over. And please, stop making it about you or that there’s something wrong with you.
You are great, you are wonderful. You are sexy, you are a total babe. This has NOTHING to do with that!

The sooner that you can recognize that, and stop trying to bring back something that is done, the sooner that you can move to a new stage in your relationship where you truly can be friends with him again. And where you can start to feel comfortable around him again, and with others who know the two of you. The sooner you can realize that trying to hold on to something that was never good, real or going anywhere to begin with is doing you more hard than good, the sooner that you can be happy and get on with your life.

Don’t you want more for yourself? What do you want in life besides a relationship with a 34 year old guy who lives with his mom? Where do you see yourself in five years? You are wasting your precious time and energy on something that really shouldn’t even be more than a blip on your radar.

So let it go and move on. If you can’t do that, then you do have to close the door on him entirely.
It’s your choice.

We are here for you though either way and are happy to walk you through all of it so do let us know how it’s going, and whatever your struggles are with this.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Wowee!!! You certainly do have quite the history! I didn’t realize from your initial post that you’d been doing this catch and release dance for so long. Knowing all of this certainly gives way more context to the situation, so I thank you so much for sharing.

I can see now how this is not just the ending of a three year relationship based on a casual high school boyfriend. This is the end of a long anticipated connection and fantasy of the perfect relationship that you, but more specifically he, waited decades to explore.

I can also see more clearly now how it is more simple for you to let it go, because if I’m being honest here, while it’s obvious that you loved/love and cared/care for him, it also sounds like you never fully bought into the idea that he was the one for you. Am I wrong on that?

You were always the prize, always the unattainable one. Heart on his sleeve and terrified of your rejection, he pursued you as best as he could, but even from the very beginning when you waltzed into that school with your cool as a cuke attitude, he was intrigued, excited, and certainly intimidated. He never felt like he could match you, or be up to your level.

Finally, after all these years, you were ready to give him a chance. Ready to give him the opportunity to show you his love, his care, and how intensely he felt about you. You were the one who got away, and wow, you came back! Now how often does that happen? Joey hit the jackpot. But can he handle getting everything that he always wanted?

I understand why you care so much for his emotions and his well being. You’ve known him a long time and have a long history of being pined after by him. The fact that it didn’t work out with him once you actually tried it for real is tragic in many ways, but to be honest, not shocking.

He’s had an idea of you in his head all these years. He may have obsessed over you, but was it really you, or was it more of the idea of you, or who you would be to him, or how being with you would make him feel? Did he really know YOU? And did he really want all of you and everything that goes along with that? Or was it more about feeding his own ego? If in the end he knew that he finally got you, maybe he could sleep easier at night knowing that he wasn’t this shy loser who would always be second best. If he got the girl he always wanted, it would make him feel better about himself.

But it sounds like it’s always been apparent that he’s just not…it for you. He’s not up to your level in some ways. He tries, but he falls short. And as time has gone on, I’m sure that falling short has become even more pronounced, especially to him. It sounds like he’s giving it his all, all the all he has, but that’s not enough for you. It never was and never will be. and that’s nothing for you to feel bad about. And to be fair, maybe it’s no one’s fault. It just is what it is. And so it goes…

It sounds like he has a lot more growing to do, and it does suck that at 50 years old, you’re still messing around with this. You’d think that after finally getting the girl who got away, he would be doing everything in his power to ensure that she never got away again. But like I’ve said, I think that he is. I just don’t think he has it in him to go the distance that you need.

But who knows? I’ve been wrong before and I love when I am, so maybe I will be again. I can tell you this and I’m sure you’re aware. You ain’t done with him yet. He will come around. He will come back. And then it’s up to you to set the boundaries if you choose to get back together with him. Based on what I know of you so far, you’ll be fine with all that.

Gemini and Pisces? No way!!! I knew that I liked you and now I know why! Girl, I’m a Gemini too!! You remind me a lot of myself and so that makes total sense. Great communicator, able to move through emotions rationally and quickly, headstrong, able to connect to many different people, etc. And Pisces…well chica, that makes sense to me too!

I was always like, “I’ll never date a Pisces!” Too needy, emotionally stunted, awful boundaries. At least that’s them at their worst…And then I met this guy when I lived in this big house in my 20s. I didn’t like him at first but he grew on me. He was such a good guy. Always helpful, patient, giving, and we became great friends. One day, I realized that I wanted to kiss my friend! And the rest is and now was, history.

We didn’t last for many reasons, and part of it was that not only was he not super emotional, he wasn’t emotional at all! He was very disconnected from his emotions, and so when I wanted to talk deeply about things, that made him shut down. He could support me, but never did he want to talk about his own stuff. He didn’t believe that growth and change were worthy causes, and yeh, he had shitty boundaries with his friends.

He’s married now and we remained friends, and while he seems very happy and would NEVER admit it, I do think I’m the one that got away for him…

Thanks so much for sharing all that. You have a really fascinating story, I could see it as a movie!
I’m just not sure if it should be called Joey & Becky: An On and Off Again Love Story or Bad Ass Becky Rides Again!

Let me know your favorite 😉
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

All I want to remind you is that YOU my dear, are not that spinster, and you don’t have to be. But you do have to be open to love, open to finding love, open to receiving love.
And you have to be willing to walk away from things when and if they don’t serve you. Walk away before you get walked away from.
That’s part of what I’m trying to say. Your relationship with him sets you up to have that childhood fear recognized, just by the nature of it. I know that you are aware that there’s a risk here, but I just want you to be prepared for that, as I would hate for you to be blindsided when it happens, and sink into that feeling of that you’re unloveable, unworthy, and that no one will ever choose you. I want you to recognize the part that you’re playing in creating this dynamic in your life.
And realize that you have the power to change it. Maybe in high school things were different, as a not yet fully formed child. But as an adult, you have much more control over your life and your experiences. While of course you can’t make someone love you or even more so force them to get over their fear and admit that they love you, you can make choices around what you will and won’t tolerate. And that can make all the difference.

Maybe once you walk away, he will realize what he has and all of this waiting will have not been in vain. Hard to say.

I hope that you will be able to rejoin the forum at some point in the future. I will be wondering about you and wishing you well. I sincerely hope that everything works out just as you want it. You are a good person, and you deserve nothing but the best.

Always in your corner,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I can absolutely understand how the arrangement with him triggers all of that childhood insecurity. I’m so sorry that you experienced all of that. Children can be so cruel and I know those formative years can be so difficult. I’m sure that getting close to anyone brings up that fear, but even more so someone who has refused to say that he will stick around. That must be really hard on your nervous system to be in a constant state of hoping “that thing doesn’t happen”

I do worry about you because we just don’t know for sure that he will ever come around. He has expressed that he cares about you but doesn’t want to date again. I’m not as worried about him dropping you as much as the fact that life marches on, and the pandemic is hopefully coming to a close, and what if he does start trying to date or something? My concern is that it will feel like being a kid all over, and having your best friend leave you in the cafeteria. This will further lead you to believe that there’s something wrong with you and you will never find love, when in reality, you have made the decisoion to stay in this dynamic with him, and you have to realize that.

I’m only saying this to remind you that you do have the ability to let people know how you want to be treated, and if someone hurts you like that, you don’t have to take it like being a child. And I know that you don’t. Listen, I think you know that I am all for you doing what feels best for you, and even what just feels good in the moment, but I don’t want you to feel like this is high school again. I want you to see that you are in this thing with him, knowing that it’s a risk. And that makes you stronger than you might know.

When it comes to being worthy, everyone deserves love, right? Like we can agree on, in theory, why would anyone be undeserving of love? If that’s the case, then why doesn’t everybody find it?

Despite what you might think, I don’t think it’s so simple as to say, “well they feel like they don’t deserve it and that’s why it never happened”, because it’s more about the choices made and the actions they taken which are based on the emotions, which is that on some deep level, whether they deserve love or not, they will never find it, so why even try to put themselves out there.

With the “spinster”, you can’t really know for sure what she was doing with her life. She may have had an entire life before she was the old, sad woman. As a matter of fact, I’m sure she did. You don’t know that her sadness was just because of not finding love. Maybe she had love and the person died. Maybe she was gay and in the closet. Maybe she made a pact with her dying mother like in Bridgerton. There could be a million stories as to why someone is not with someone. Or if she was scared and unhappy her whole life, then likely she never put herself out there or did anything uncomfortable and scary, so how would she ever be able to find someone in that case?

You, my dear, are not like that, and I don’t think that you could be. You are goal oriented, driven, you have a plan. You have every capacity to be in a marvelous, loving, caring, fun, and romantically fulfilling relationship with someone who wants it.

Whatever happens, I am going to be rooting for you to recognize how amazing you are, and treat yourself well. I am excited for your goals and your business, and I feel confident that you will succeed.

I know that your original question was, Should I keep trying, or walk away?
We talked about many aspects of the answer, and went back and forth, and I’m afraid that we never really could come up with an answer. Life has so many shades of gray, at least 50 but maybe more, and love and emotions are so nuanced. You just have to do what’s best for you, in every moment. I hope that you continue on with that, wherever life takes you, and please know that we are always here as a resource, and I’d love hear from you at anytime.

I’ve really enjoyed connecting with you and I know in my heart of hearts that you are a beautiful and wonderful person who is a joy to be around. I hope that you will remember that and take care of yourself well!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Lady, you are pure fire. I will say more but in that one sentence, I am complete!

You have lived a life of many, that many people don’t. I have no doubt you have struggled and suffered way more than you could express in this forum, and I know you have fought and clawed when you had to, and pulled yourself up many, many a time. And you haven’t got time for the pain.

That’s what happened. When you have trauma from so many things, eventually you say enough is enough and you are not going to stand for any more pain. So any pain that you can control, you do, right? So he might be surprised, but I barely know you and I’m not. When you tell us what you’ve been through, it’s obvious as the nose on your face (you do have a nose still, right?) that you are a person who in the end, is not going to let themselves be treated in a way that causes them pain. Because enough is enough, and you’re too strong for that. I admire that, I applaud it, and I do it myself.

Because when you’re a “strong person because you’ve been through hell and back”, you are not going to put up with that forever. Like you said, when the switch goes off…Bad Ass Becky is out! Haha, you’re my hero 😉

But I do know what you mean about being kind, and that shows that you truly are a benevolent person. You don’t want to see him suffer. You know that he tried the best that he could, and that’s probably another reason that you can be ok with it all, because at the end of the day, you know that it’s not you. It’s him, and you feel bad. Poor thing just got dumped!

I’m curious to hear more about your relationship with him in High School. That would give some insight into interpreting his reactions now, and how he’s feeling about it all. And also about you too!

As much as he loves you, I’d think he’s feeling relieved. Like you were saying, not walking on eggshells anymore. Because as we’ve mentioned, these are just his patterns that he’s not willing or more likely able to change so easily. I’m sure he never liked hurting you, but he probably never felt in control enough to change them. it’s a very uncomfortable place to be, and it’s just his pattern to run away. It’s sad, but I’m sure you’re tired of chasing anyone down. And why should you have to? This isn’t high school! And OMG, what happened in HIGH SCHOOL?!!

I’m waiting with baited breath 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

Ps: Speaking of pure fire…we all have been talking about attachment theory, enneagram, what about astrology? Do you know much about your chart? If not, I may be able to tell you!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jamie,

Being in a relationship can definitely bring things up, and depending on the situation, can definitely be a good thing. In your scenario, I think it is!

The reason why I say that is because it sounds like your man is someone who is willing and interested to work on things. He sounds like a relatively emotionally aware fellow, who is showing up and putting time into the relationship. I understand how sometimes it doesn’t feel like that, but it sounds like you’re becoming more aware of the fact that it’s because he doesn’t have much time to give, not because he doesn’t want to give it. The fact that he IS so busy, but still is making the effort to connect with you daily, and have in depth conversations, shows that he sees you as long term relationship material. Because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t spend so much effort to learn all about you at a time when he is swamped and trying to get himself established. Building your own business is all encompassing work, and if you didn’t see a future with you, he would not be calling you everyday.

So then I do agree with you, and Heidi, and it sounds like your guy as well, that this is a personal problem.
As you’ve mentioned, you have feelings of unworthiness from other relationships, so of course you are going to question this incredible man who wants to show up for you. I’m sure it doesn’t feel real, because no other man has just purely given to you, made you feel like the priority, not wanted anything but to be happy with you.
But I’m here to tell you one thing. ALL MEN should be like that!! Not just alphas or betas, or the mama’s boy babies. The fact that we even have to have a forum because women stay with men who won’t even give them the basics is sad, but hey it keeps me around 😉
Seriously though, nothing out of the ordinary is happening. It’s just a good man caring about a woman’s safety and well being, as he should when he is in a relationship with her. And when you’re in a reciprocal, caring relationship. I wouldn’t worry, it doesn’t sound like this man is going anywhere.

If you’re having trouble believing in that, it likely would behoove you to do therapy, and meditation. It may seem silly to do mantras everyday, and tell yourself that you love yourself in the mirror everyday, but you never know, it may help. I think the real question to think of, is to look back on the times when you felt unworthy because of your connection to something, and ask yourself, “Were they in the right?”
The answer will be no, once you’re able to look at it from a healed place. But if you’re thinking that maybe they were, it’s a good time to get as much support as you can in your personal development journey.

We are all here to help, and happy to!

You are doing a great job being open about your emotions with him, and it sounds like the communication is good as well. I’d just keep being honest and open with him, while continuing to do your own inner work outside of the relationship. Because yes, things can and WILL come up, and more emotionally resourced you can be, the easier you will be able to handle any of the triggers that want to rear their silly heads 🙂

Oh, and go on some fun DATES!!!!!!

Let us know how things are going!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Liza,

I’m a little late to the party, but sounds like it’s time to let go. It hurts when you feel like you didn’t do anything wrong and get blamed anyway. Feeling like you’re being put into a bad light really sucks. But it just seems like this guy is the one creating the drama. He IS the drama! And then he wonders why everyone around him is so full of it…what did he expect!

Sounds like when it comes to playing games, he is the master. He gets women riled up, and then he pits them against each other. NOT a good guy.

You can do better than that, for sure! Delete his number and move on.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Ah yes, you mentioned that you’re a workaholic and often don’t have time for the pesky conversations, lol!

Well if you get a chance, I’m sure that it will make you feel better about the situation. Get it out of your head and into the world!

And we will be here so keep us posted, and let us know how things play out 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Yes it sounds like what you were experiencing that day is a trauma response, where your brain just won’t stop focusing on the awful thought or feeling. Many times we feel it somatically, in our bodies, even if we know rationally it’s not necessarily the case. And we can’t talk ourselves out of it, no matter how hard we try.
Just like the same way that you cant’t talk yourself into buying the idea that you can have healthy and reciprocal love with a man that you want. I think that might be something of a trauma response too.

I am usually a rather heady person, but I’ve learned quite a lot about how we store trauma in the body. And then when we have these traumatic experiences, we become paralyzed with fear, guilt, and intense worry. There are trauma reducing energies that I’ve found helpful. A friend of mine who is a somatic trauma specialist swears by this process: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeUioDuJjFI&t=181s

Something I’m wondering is who told you that you were so unloveable? Who drilled this notion of love into your head so much so that you never even tried to seek out something different? You’ve told me about how you’ve let the other person set the scene quite often in your relationships, and it saddens me as I think the scene you could set would be pretty darn spectacular.

There many be no convincing you know, but maybe someday you will remember my words, as I truly believe that the only thing standing between you and you getting everything that you want, is your belief system. You have decided that certain things aren’t possible for you, so they aren’t possible, for you. They are possible for other people, but not for you. I don’t understand why.
I’m sure that if a friend told you that she didn’t believe it would be possible for her to find love, you would likely tell her she’s full of it. You would have hope for her, because she’s a lovely person and she deserves to be adored.

So why can’t you do that for yourself? If you take anything from all that we’ve exchanged it’s this right here. I just wish for you that you one day recognize and fully believe that you can have the kind of love that you want. Whether you stay connected to this man for another four months, four years, or the rest of time, I just want you to always remember that you deserve to be loved, adored, cherished, and chosen. You are worth it. You deserve it. That’s it.

I’m sorry to hear that you may need to leave the forum for awhile! Can you give me a warning? Or is this it? 😉
I, like you, hate sudden goodbyes and also would like to be able to see if there’s anything I can do to help you keep your membership awhile longer.

Always wishing you well,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey chick!

Glad you could have a laugh and if you don’t want to claim your badassery for yourself (yet) I will claim it for you. Whatever you call it, I fully support you sticking to your boundaries, and showing him what you will and will not tolerate. Now he knows how he needs to treat you, at all times, in all ways.

It’s definitely awesome how loving and affectionate he is to you, how much he shows you that in intimate settings, and that he makes you feel safe and desired. It does sound to me like he really does love you, in his way, and as much as he can. Is he an avoidant across the board in everything? Maybe not. People are complex people, and it’s rare that one person is just one thing. You’re secure and like me, only anxious when you’re with someone who doesn’t match us in that security. It triggers our anxiety and that’s what makes these kinds of relationships so eventually untenable.

Because here’s the thing: the love, affection, support, trust, care, and all of the things that you said that he has given you so therefore he can’t be an avoidant, are all just components of a healthy relationship. Those are not added on bonuses. Those are the baseline for connection. When you’re with someone on your level emotionally, all those things just come with the territory. You know this, which is why you said sayonara.
But of course it is still painful and hard to let go of someone, especially someone that you’ve had so many good times with.

Thanks for sharing more about your marriage. It sounds like you’ve been through hell and back, and congratulations on getting out of that with so much of your self esteem intact. That’s a testament to you as a strong person. I’m not surprised that you’re unwilling to stay with a man who is not treating you as deserved. You have been through the ringer and came out swinging. Good for you.

I’m sending lots of energy to you to continue to stay strong. Your resolve has been incredible thus far, but I also like Heidi do feel a bit of concern that you’re taking this too well, lol! I mean, I’m not in disbelief as I have been the same way, especially when I dated people that were avoidant. The relief that you AND your entire nervous system feels once you know that you are not in limbo anymore, can definitely do wonders. And like a switch clicking off, I’ve felt that too. It’s the trigger button disengaging!

So I am hoping as well that he stands up and decides to push past his unhealthy patterns and do some work on himself, for his sake, because he is missing out. I have faith that you’ll be ok either way!

But please do keep us posted and if you DO feel broken up about it and want some extra love, you know we got that for you too, girlfriend!

In your corner,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Ok, so there’s guy A, B, C, D, and E. Girl, you are busy! But hey, they say it’s a numbers game. I don’t necessarily believe that but I do think it’s good to get out there and explore your options. So I support you working your way through the alphabet 😉

But I gotta tell you, my head is spinning a little, and I wonder how you’re doing too. To me it sounds like you’re not sure of what you really want, but you just know that you want someone.

So that could be a good place to start. Make a list of everything that you want in a partner. Put it in order of importance. Just put everything on there, but also have your top 5 non-negotiables.

I think once you have a better idea of what you actually want, it will be easier for you to see that in these guys, and you won’t have to spend so much time trying to determine which one is the one that you want!

Good luck, and let us know how that goes!
xox
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Heather!

I’m glad to hear that you were able to take Heidi’s advice and put it into practice. It sounds like your guy responded pretty well. It’s great that you felt heard and validated, and that you were able to express what you want and need. I love that you told him specifics of what you wanted, but maybe it’s time to get even more specific.

You said that there’s still no plans to meet up and it sounds like that’s a part of you feeling like a priority, that he makes plans and sticks to them. Yes it sounds like he is very busy and that’s all well and good and you are supportive of his business and children, but you have needs that deserve to be met if you’re going to be in relationship with him.

So get very specific. Do you want a date at a specific time every week? Or a certain amount of times that you see each other each month? You get to ask for what you want. Whether or not he can and will give you what you want is another story, and how this all plays out is the answer to your question as to whether or not this is a waste of time.

Here’s the thing, relationships are like gardens. They take care, nurturing, proper nutrients, and maintenance. If he’s willing to work on it, that’s a great thing and I’d say stick with that. If he’s unable to give you what you need, then you have to not take it personally and move on. Unfortunately you may not fit into each other’s lives and if that’s the case, it’s not a fault of either of you, and please don’t take it personally.

But maybe there can be some concessions that can be made so you can both get what you want and need in a realistic and non stressful way. If that’s the case, then you’re good to go!

Continue the conversation with him and let us know how it all pans out 🙂

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

The core of what you want to say to him is definitely spot on, and it sounds like you know what you want from him, more or less. That’s a good place to come from and start!
But before you get this conversation going, I just want you to be clear so it goes as smoothly as possible.
1. Do you know what a relationship with him would look like?
2. Are you sure that’s what you want?

Of course it feels good to fall into a relationship with someone that you are comfortable with, and that might be where his brain is leading to also, but if it’s not the right match and doesn’t work out, it might be hard to go back to friends. So just be sure from what you know of each other that this leap feels right to take, because it could be hard to come back from. I realize that you’ve already taken the plunge, but a one time thing is different than trying to make a go of it.

It definitely sounds to me like he likes you, as a man who sticks around as a friend is very often in love, or at least deep like and admiration, and would be willing to go there with you, but also probably thinks that the woman doesn’t like him. It’s not always that, but since you have now had sex and he’s stayed in touch, it seems that he at least cares for you deeply.

Now whether or not that translates into a relationship remains to be seen. There are many reasons a person may not want to be in a relationship, and least of all are they usually about how they actually feel about you, but more about how they feel about themselves. So just remember that when you talk with him.

In terms of what to say, it’s not about an ultimatum, it’s just about getting clarity so you can make an informed decision on how to move forward. You’re not a mind-reader and neither is he, and too much communication is never bad in situations like this.

“My original thought was just to tell him, im not that girl, I dont casually sleep with my friends and then just stay friends who sleep with each other on occasion”

That’s good! Talk about yourself, your wants and needs. You can start by saying just that, and then ask him what he thinks about it. What was that to him?

So first you express your basic wants and needs, and then you can talk more about how that works in terms of your actual relationship with each other. Find out where he is on that relationship spectrum. Is he available for that?
If he says no, remember to not take it personally. I’d get curious and find out why. He may have pre-conceived ideas about you and what you want.

The more that you can make it just a relaxed conversation aimed at exploring what each of you want, the smoother it will go, and the better of an outcome you will arrive to.

Let us know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Well here’s the thing…most men are not taught to be open and honest about their emotions. Just like women, they are often saying that they hope will get the response that they want. The real question is, what response do they want?

For example, in your friend’s scenario it sounds like he was actually just trying to feel better about himself. He was in a bad place because his gf dumped his sorry ass so he probably was trying to think of girls who he knew had liked him to connect with and give him a confidence boost. He didn’t actually want to date her, he just wanted her to stroke his ego. So essentially he was just using her to not feel sad. Bottom line, he’s a jerk and delete his number.
Or be super honest and tell him what a douche he’s being. Sometimes people need to hear how they are hurting others.

In your case, I’m very glad that Heidi (our other coach) chimed in as well to tell you what we are all saying, your mom included. And that is, that you have to let this go and focus on your own happiness. Stop making this about you and your unlove-ability, it’s not.
It’s not realistic or healthy to have a romantic relationship with each other, and he’s been doing the right thing by stopping this with you. If you really get that, and are willing to respect that like he asked you to, then you can be friends. But if you’re still hung up on him, you can’t be friends with him until you can truly see him as a friend, and not be texting him as thinly veiled way of getting back into some kind of romantic dynamic with him.

I’m sorry but I think you already know…it’s over. Either be truly friends with him and be chill, or cut him out of your life as much as you can until you CAN be chill. In the meantime, you’re just driving yourself crazy, and that’s no good for anyone!

Focus on other friends, other connections, and the things you want to do in your life. Remember, he’s not that cool, even though he seems like he is.

Let us know how it goes, cutie!

[Coach Spyce]

OOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

Lady, I am bowing down to you! You are AMAZING!!!! That all was, is, and always will be, BAD ASS!!!!

I am so sorry that I was checked out over the weekend, but I am so proud and impressed that you pushed through and stood up for yourself in a strong, powerful, and totally gorgeous way. You are incredible!!!
Started the conversation, and finished it! The way you said, “Imma call it” was legendary.
You RAWK, gf!!!

And…
I know it’s really painful, and I’m so sorry that he didn’t step up to the plate. You gave that man so much love, care, and support.
I understand that he is someone from your past, so I’m sure that felt really magical, and fairy-tale like, especially after 30 years of marriage. We all have that one (or sometimes 2) what ifs, so when you get to live that out, it can feel pretty kismet.

BUT, and yes, there’s a big but…sometimes someone from your past is still stuck IN the past, and it sounds like he was one of them emotionally stunted types. You had grown exponentially in the time you’d been apart, and it sounds like he hadn’t. So while you could have the light fun, the memories, even a deep caring that comes from having known someone for a long time, you couldn’t have the adult, healthy and mature relationship with him that you deserve and expect, as well you should. We haven’t heard much about your previous marriage, but I’m sure there were good times there to at some point over that time together, and you had learned a lot since high school. Maybe he hadn’t.
And when push came to shove, it was obvious that he knew he couldn’t be up to your level, and you did the hella strong thing by being the one to let him go.

Oh, you don’t want to see me because you’re thinking about ending it? Ok, you saved me the trip over the mountain. We’re done done. -Rebecca S, badass bad boyfriend breaker upper

I’m glad that you had a good cry, and keep moving through it. It’s great that you’re getting retail therapy (love IKEA!) and it sounds like you have a good amount of friends around that care about you. I know, believe me, I KNOW firsthand how the dance is, and I know it can be challenging to stay rooted in the fact of what you’ve done, but in the end, please don’t forget that you did the right thing. You stood up for yourself, and he didn’t stand up next to you. Not because of you, but because he’s too weak to be there. And that’s on him, not on you.

You don’t want to spend the next 30+ golden years with someone who’s acting like…your first high school boyfriend. The unfortunate thing is that he wasn’t upgraded, and you don’t have the time to help someone become fully formed at fifty.

Find a man who knows what it’s like to care for a wife, for children, for someone besides himself. A man who wants to work on himself for himself. Look, no one is perfect, and we can all always learn more, but you need a man who’s done some of the work and most importantly, is willing to do more of whatever comes up! In order to have a true partner, you need someone who is by your side, not running away.

Oh, and in terms of the pics…I would have to agree with Heidi that you may need to just let that ish go. We can’t control anyone after we, well actually anytime, and I suppose it comes down to if he’s the kind of person who would be showing them around or locked in a (metaphoric) vault somewhere. Hopefully he’s a decent guy who won’t be spreading your business around. Do you have intimate pics of him? If knows that you do, perhaps he will be more discreet.

Please DEFINITELY keep us posted about what’s happening. I have to say again how I am overcome with pride and admiration for you, and am uber impressed!!

You are awesome 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

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