[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Yes the buying and selling of property can be a very tricky thing…I too got caught in a situation this last year with buying something I thought I loved at the time, but then discovered the pitfalls in and am now a bit stuck. I found something else I’d love to buy but couldn’t until I sell the other one. And while I don’t love it, I don’t really want to sell it unless I can be assured that I can buy the other, which I can’t. And so it is…I hope that things change for you with the spring on its way. Whether to sell or to dig in to your property there and keep making the improvements. Either way, I’m sure it will be a good venture!

Of course it’s difficult to trust people when you are used to feeling ostracized by folks in general. So then even if you did meet someone who had more pure intentions, it would be very hard to believe that there wasn’t something lurking under the surface where they were not being above board with you, and were just using you in some way. I’m sorry that this is something that you deal with so frequently. It’s hard to keep up hope when that’s the case and you’ve been dealing with this for so long.

When the woman who you had met in the cafe came to the spoken word event, did you go up and try to talk with her, or did you wait for her to come to you or catch your eye? Whatever you did is fine, but I will say that I think in these situations you have to just go about your day like EVERYONE is dying to meet you! Don’t be shy to go up to her and say, “oh hey, you came! Glad you could make it!” Just assume that she wants to talk with you instead of that she doesn’t. You said that she texted you but you didn’t get it until later. Could it be that she thought that you were ignoring her because you didn’t go up to her when you saw her there? I understand feeling left out because she was talking with someone else, but there’s no reason that you can’t just make your presence known. Not in a creepy way, just in a friendly way with the assumption that why would anyone have any pre-conceived notions of you?

At this point, I really don’t think that you have anything to lose…do you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Yes the buying and selling of property can be a very tricky thing…I too got caught in a situation this last year with buying something I thought I loved at the time, but then discovered the pitfalls in and am now a bit stuck. I found something else I’d love to buy but couldn’t until I sell the other one. And while I don’t love it, I don’t really want to sell it unless I can be assured that I can buy the other, which I can’t. And so it is…I hope that things change for you with the spring on its way. Whether to sell or to dig in to your property there and keep making the improvements. Either way, I’m sure it will be a good venture!

Of course it’s difficult to trust people when you are used to feeling ostracized by folks in general. So then even if you did meet someone who had more pure intentions, it would be very hard to believe that there wasn’t something lurking under the surface where they were not being above board with you, and were just using you in some way. I’m sorry that this is something that you deal with so frequently. It’s hard to keep up hope when that’s the case and you’ve been dealing with this for so long.

When the woman who you had met in the cafe came to the spoken word event, did you go up and try to talk with her, or did you wait for her to come to you or catch your eye? Whatever you did is fine, but I will say that I think in these situations you have to just go about your day like EVERYONE is dying to meet you! Don’t be shy to go up to her and say, “oh hey, you came! Glad you could make it!” Just assume that she wants to talk with you instead of that she doesn’t. You said that she texted you but you didn’t get it until later. Could it be that she thought that you were ignoring her because you didn’t go up to her when you saw her there? I understand feeling left out because she was talking with someone else, but there’s no reason that you can’t just make your presence known. Not in a creepy way, just in a friendly way with the assumption that why would anyone have any pre-conceived notions of you?

At this point, I really don’t think that you have anything to lose…do you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Mistre,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I totally understand how painful it can be when you think that something is one way and then it turns out to be another.

Please let me ask you a couple of questions so I can learn more about the situation.

You said: I recently started dating my friend
For how long was he your friend?

You said: He has a daughter and family back home
Did you know this when you started dating him?
What was/is the situation with his family? Is he divorced/separated/none of the above?

How far is his home from where you live? Is he just visiting in your area? Why is he there? When you say you want him to “come back”, where is he coming back to? Where will he stay or be?

I look forward to learning more and seeing how I can be of help!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I’m sure the market is tough out there where you are. I wonder if you could do owner financing with someone who might want your property and then have enough from that to owner finance the other property? It’s probably not really feasible but just a brainstorming idea. I too grew up poor and my parents died when I was young so I never stood to inherit anything. It is difficult to have to make everything happen on your own. I hope that no matter which way things go with the land, that you will be able to have the property work for you in a positive and fruitful way! And certainly wherever you go, there you are. But as we discussed, larger areas have more opportunities in general. But I understand that you’re pretty stationary right now and that’s how it has to be.

I get what you’re saying about the Hawaii housesit guy and if you didn’t feel good about the situation, then that’s the final answer. Of course you should never lower your standards to spend time with someone. My thinking was more along the lines of sometimes we can be on edge anticipating something because of how we are used to being treated, and may think something is happening when it’s not. But of course in that situation if you feel that this wasn’t the case, then I believe you! It’s important for you to trust your instincts as well, and navigate that fine balance.

I’m really sorry to hear of this Airbnb person and how things went awry with him. It’s hard when someone so difficult is in a position of power, and they use that position to try and lord their power over you. It’s good that you were able to cut ties, and you did the right thing by standing up to him and asserting your boundaries. It sounds like you were able to silence him and its doubtful that he will make a post, and will hopefully just move on.

Glad to hear that you are being productive and adding value to your property! It’s great that you’re so handy and able to do so much of this work on your own. Even though it’s tiring I’m sure, the fruits of your labor will be visible and usable, and just keep making your space better and better!

Kudos to you on keeping up with the positive energy and doing everything you can to get yourself out of a funk.

Keep going!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi T,

Thanks for reaching out and welcome to the forum! We totally understand here how difficult a long distance relationship can be. It’s so hard when your heart is somewhere else. A couple of questions…

You say that you have always loved him…what is your history beyond the last 1.5 years? How did you meet and come together? How old are you/Kevin?

Being that he’s in the service, is it possible for you to travel or live with him? If not, why?

What is your time like when you are together? How often is that?

Are there are other challenges besides the distance? How is your connection and communication when you’re apart?

What other relationships have you had? What have those been like?

All of these things will help us to understand more about you, and how best to advise you in this situation to make the decisions that will be best for you and your future, whether Kevin is in it or not.

Look forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Yes it’s difficult to give up on a dream when you’ve poured your heart and soul into something and things just aren’t falling into place. At least the market should be picking up with rates going down so perhaps someone will buy your property. I’m curious why you would buy another property in the area when you don’t seem to like it much there and aren’t finding the social life that you enjoy? Wouldn’t the goal of selling be to move someplace where you could meet more people and develop more friends to go out with and do things with?

Of course it’s important to pay attention to how you feel in a situation, but when you’ve had a lot of trauma, it can often be difficult to trust your feelings as you may be triggered or reacting to something that’s not necessarily what is being offered. as they say, there are 3 types of reality. Your reality, their reality, and the truth. WHo knows what the truth is, but sometimes, our own realities can be tarnished by past experiences, and we can feel like something is a certain way because of that, even if that’s not what the person meant.

I guess I’m just curious what it is about the man who was going to Hawaii that made you feel like he was “neggin” or disrespecting you with his offer and wasn’t simply wanting to create a win win with someone who he met who was living in a trailer when he knew that he had a home that would be empty? I know many people who are happy to housesit and live that way for months even years sometimes, going from house to house, caring for people’s pets and plants. So without another kind of context, it’s hard for me to see how the conversation with him translated into him seeing you as a maid. Could it be that he didn’t mean it that way but it was a triggering situation for you, reminding of others who had disrespected you before? This is not meant as a question to give you a reason for you to doubt yourself but only offered as an opportunity for you to get curious about your responses and where they are coming from, and to examine if there may be other ways to react at times that could wind up being beneficial in helping you get to your end goal of connection…

Thoughts?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Not to poo poo your out in the wilderness project, but I will say that I do agree that living out in the middle of nowhere can be very tough on the social life. Most people are in those places either because they have no options for leaving, or they made a conscious decision to be out in the middle of nowhere and away from humanity. It’s just not really a place that people go to make friends and build community, unless they already know people there who have promised them the said community. And even that rarely works out either.

Whatever qualms you may have about LA, it still is a much bigger place where you can find multitudes of different people to connect with. And if you don’t find who you are looking for in one scene, you can turn a tenth of a degree and find a whole new different group of people. Most people really only need a small handful of close friends to feel good in this world, and I’m sure that if you could find those, this feeling would settle down a lot in your life. I know that it’s been tough with family members, but do you feel like you’ve ever really had a good friend?

I’m curious what you mean when you say that what the man with Hawaii and the dog wanted was a form of disrespect? I think it could be about perspective. Obviously I don’t have the full story, but to me, picking up where you left off sounds like an easy and comfortable connection. Then asking you to housesit to me sounds like an offer, and possibly a nice offer depending on the house! Could it be that he knew that you were living in a camper and thought you might relish the idea of being in a house? Perhaps he thought that he was offering you a gift? To welcome someone into your home is generally a kind thing, and I know many people who are always looking for opportunities to house-sit. Could it be that he was trying to be kind? I know that you have a difficult time trusting people, and that’s ok, but I’m just inviting you to look at it from a different perspective.

I think the truth is that most people want to be invited, and rarely do the inviting. I had started a facebook group for people to post and get together for dinners in the small city where I live. Immediately I had over 150 members, all saying they were dying to make new friends and meet up with others. I’ve tried to have a couple of events and nothing. No one else has posted anything either and it’s been about 9 months. I am the kind of person who reaches out CONSTANTLY and its probably the only reason why I have any friends. I occasionally meet others like me but its rare. I always remind myself though that this is no reflection of who I am or how much people like me.

I think that you have to do that too. Don’t wait for Sandy to invite you out, call her up! Chat with whoever you can. Don’t wait for them to make the first move. It’s ok, you have nothing to lose. Their responses or lack of them, really have nothing to say about you. I know it’s difficult, but do keep trying to remind yourself that.

I hope the herbs and the talks helped!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so down. I know how it can feel like one long string of disappointing people and events and like none of that has ever been different and never will change. It’s difficult to get away from that feeling for sure. This time of year is always a killer too, after the holidays and then the colder months.

But I also was curious because it sounded like there have been some bright spots recently. Just last week you said: I was at the cafe in town and also went to the little grocery, and everywhere I went people were cool to me.
It sounded like you were feeling optimistic about changing your frequency maybe based on some positive health changes around food? How has that been going? You are right in saying that diet affects our bodies AND our minds, and so has that been a struggle this past week?

I know it can feel like things just keep going back to bad, even when there are little bright spots, and I would never negate that. But there might be some lighter spots in there too…It definitely sounds like you’re feeling depressed and not doing the things that bring you joy; like being out in nature, reading books. Even though it’s difficult, you may want to try and push yourself to just go outside and sit out under the sun. That feeds the positive vibes too!

You said that you didn’t understand what I meant about saying yes to nice people approaching me as no one does that, but you had spoken of a couple inviting you to eat with them, a person at the cafe tring to catch your eye, and other people here and there who say, “let’s do this or that”. I know that you feel like most of those people never follow through on that, but in reality, that’s just people, no matter who you are. Many people struggle to have friendships, especially when moving to a new place after their mid 30s. If you don’t have kids or a job to ensure that you have to see others, it can be extremely difficult to make actual connections. But it’s because people are stuck in their little worlds, and it’s difficult for them to get out of them.

But for you it’s very triggering when someone doesn’t follow through because you take it as a sign that they despise you and are going to be the same kind of a-hole that everyone else has been to you, and exclude you because you have a black mark on you that’s obvious. But in reality, to the avrage person it’s not obvious, and the only reason that they don’t follow through is because like many humans, they may have the best of intentions but they get busy, they are overwhelmed, they are a million things that have nothing to do with you. But because of your past, you take it personally.

To be honest, you have done a very brave thing that 90% of people would never do. You moved yourself out into the middle of nowhere with no connections, and are trying to build community. That’s hard under the best of circumstances and you are certainly NOT under those! So be proud of yourself, lady! You have done something that takes a lot of courage and guts. I know it’s hard but from the sound of what you’re up to, it’s pretty bad-ass!

I’m wondering how you feel about connecting with online communities and I wonder what you have going on in those realms. I know it’s not a solution for in person friendships, but perhaps it can help with keeping these bouts of loneliness at bay? I don’t mean Okcupid per se (that’s mostly people looking for hookups but I’m also happy to help you with your profile if you want any feedback) but more like people who have the same interests and hobbies. Didn’t you say that you had a podcast, or were developing one? I had a podcast for many years and it was a great way to meet and interview cool people on the topics I was speaking on.

I know you’re also a bit far out there, but how far are you from the nearest city? Maybe you could make some trips in to someplace with more culture to at least get your blood pumping again?

I hate to see you so down because I do feel like in general you’re able to stay optimistic and I really hope that we can keep you that way. Everything I’ve learned about you leads me to believe you’re an intelligent, attractive, caring, and fun person to be around. I’m sure that is true and I don’t want to see you going down a path of negativity about yourself as a person because of how crappy other people are. I know it’s been a hard road, but it’s not over yet, and I believe you have some good work to do here in this world. I’m here to help you figure out what can help, and then how to bring that into your life. Hope we can get on the right track here soon!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

I wanted to chime in here as I greatly understand grief and loss as I have unfortunately have had quite a lot if it myself personally, and so I understand deeply how when you’re dealing with the idea of losing someone (to sickness and eventual early death), our minds can make all kinds of excuses.

That being said, I want you to know that it’s OK for you to want to be connected with him. It’s ok for you to want to bond with him, to even want to remarry him. Is it co-dependant and maybe not the “strongest” thing that you could do? Sure! But that doens’t mean that it’s not the shot that you want to take.

There’s nothing worse than regret once someone is gone from this planet, and maybe I just speak from a place of my experience with deep loss, but I know the human experience as well, and that I’m not the only person who has felt this. So in my belief we do everything that we can while someone is still here to have our peace and closure.

Now that’s not to say that you should allow yourself to be abused or taken advantage of. Having healthy boundaries is very important and you get to decide what makes you feel good in this situation. What I’m saying is really just that. Do what makes you feel good, even if that’s being close to a man who is obviously going off the deep end. But like Heidi said, he’s basically like a child right now, not in his right mind. So even if you’re used to him being the strong one, the provider, the one who wears the pants, you have to recognize that you’re in a new place with him, and he’s a new place with himself. So don’t look to him to make these decisions and just go along with him. You have to be the one to set the tone. YOU are in charge now.

So spend time with him in a way that works for you. Set boundaries as to how you want to connect with him. And if it does become too hard, you can always choose to disengage. But disengaging prematurely can backfire, and cause much just as much hurt and regret as engaging will. And it can be worse, because you are the one making that choice.

That’s just my two cents, take it for what you will. Heidi had some great advice here as well and nothing I’m saying goes against any of that, I just want to remind you to give yourself some grace and allow yourself to stay connected if that’s what your heart really wants.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lisa!

Just reaching back out to see if you wanted to chat about your situation. It sounds like you’re in a tough place and we are here to help you navigate through these difficult feelings and sticky situations.

Please do reach out and let us know more about what you’re going through so we can support you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out to share your story! My apologies for the delay in response, it seems that your message got lost in our system. But I am here now and ready to help you work through what you’re dealing so hopefully we can have the best possible outcome for you!

I’m sorry to hear that you were engaged in another program and it didn’t work for you. From the sound of it, I would also not agree with the tactics that you’re mentioning. I do think it’s important to speak about what you may have done in a relationship to contribute to it’s demise, and taking responsibility shows maturity and compassion. So I’m not sure why they wouldn’t recommend that. Hopefully our way of doing things here will better resonate with you!

So first off, please fill me in on a little more of the backstory with you and Caleb. You said that he broke up with you about 2 months ago. Before that, how long had you been dating? What was it that led to the split? Was it something sudden or gradual? Did anything in particular happen? How had your relationship been in general? How had your communication beem throughout your relationship?

I’m curious about this statement: I know we’re on the path of getting back together
I’m curious because nothing in what you’ve said indicates that, so I’m wondering what is making you feel that way, and what evidence do you have to support that. Not that I think it can’t be true, I just need to understand more about your situation.

Look forward to learning more and seeing how we can help!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Yes, I totally feel you. Sometimes it is the energy that we are putting out into the world that gets reflected back to us. even if we are just in a bad mood, it can affect even just the basic interactions that we have with people. You also mentioned that you happened to be in the places where friendlier people were too if that makes sense and you know, it does make sense! It’s like how you said about Greg, If he was a business professional he would have asked the woman who cornered me in his bathroom to lay off other patrons and that would have been the extent of it

But what he’s doing, and the other “baddies” are not only not professional, they are not sane, right, nice, or healthy. It sounds like when you went out the other day you were just connecting with regular people, and not trying to get in with the town scenesters, or partiers. And honestly, I think it has something to do with that as well. I;m not judging or saying there’s anything wrong with you having some drinks at the bar, definitely not. But alcohol and other party favors do impair the senses, and so when you’re meeting people in those environments, they may not be the most together, collected, or rational people. You might be seeing the worst of them. And as we know, people who are born and bred in a small town that they never leave, or even come back to, often act like they are above the law, so to speak. They’ve never had to deal with the reality of a place that doesn’t know them inside and out and won’t put with their shit. So they get away with things that someone out in the world would never even think of doing. It’s BS, but I think for your mental health you really just have to try and stay away from those people, and constantly remind yourself how far beneath you they really are.

I think the more you do just that, the happier you will be and the more you will attract the happy and healthy people who actually have something to bring to a relationship with you.

I’m sorry to hear that you grew up feeling ugly and unimportant. I wonder what it might take for you to stop feeling that way. I take it that at this point you know that you’re not ugly, and in terms of importance, we all matter. Everyone who is on this planet has some value, especially people who are doing nothing to hurt others such as yourself. I’m also really sorry hat you suffered that abuse as a child, especially from a parent. To not be believed and have them held accountable is so damaging and it makes me angry to know that you never had any recourse. I assume that you have done some work in this area. Anything else that you want to share, I am here for you and for that.

But definitely, I’d like for us to figure out what you can do to deepen your self esteem so that you can not only believe that you are loveable, but you can also feel it when it’s coming your way. And you can move the needle of your attraction point so that you are not attracting the losers and abusers. In my experience, much of that has to do with setting boundaries and sticking to them. Often times they are our own boundaries within ourselves. So instead of saying, “well I’ll hang out with this guy because he’s showing me attention but I really don’t like how he’s showing up in the world but better to hang out with him than to be alone”, you do go home alone. Which of course sounds lonely but in the end is better than giving time to someone where you’re going to feel worse off when the time spent is over. I think you’re actually pretty good at this one as you’ve decided against quite a few people recently and I’m proud of you for that!

Or doing things that maybe you wouldn’t normally do. Like when a really nice person comes along and wants to pay you attention, instead of assuming that they couldn’t possibly want to spend time with you, believe that they would. Because you are lovely, intelligent, and a delight to be around.

The first step is believing this within yourself. Besides all of the toxic conditioning from childhood, is there any other reason why you would feel like this wasn’t true?

xoxo
Soycep

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Happy New Year! It’s nice to hear from you. I was wondering how you were doing and what is new in your world. Congrats on losing 35 lbs, that is so amazing! I’m sure that took a lof of work and was no small feat. I too have some weight to lose and I know it’s harder and harder the older we become. I hope that you are feeling proud of your accomplishments and good about yourself for everything that you’re doing to enjoy life and be happy. It sounds like you are and for that I am very glad!

Him mentioning that he hasn’t forgotten about the gum is actually not something that I would read very much into. Men are simple, and say things all the time to cover their tracks. To me it sounds more like that, like maybe a way to relieve guilt around the fact that it’s been two years and he hasn’t come through for you with something that he said. Or maybe he’s trying to remind that in two years, he still hasn’t changed his stance on being anything more than an occasional friend.

I’m feeling curious about what exactly it is that you like about Patrick, and why it is that you feel like he is someone worth waiting around for? I didn’t realize that it’s been two years since your husband died and while two years is not very long in the scheme of things especially after being married for so long, it is a significant amount of time to know someone and be waiting for them to “want you and learn what to do”. Again, I am concerned that you are waiting for someone who may not ever come around to where you want them to be. Not because of anything to do with you, but because of who they are. You could lose even more weight and look exactly like you think he wants you to, and that doesn’t mean that he is going to be able to be this person who doesn’t have walls and is open to a deep connection. He has a lifetime of avoiding intimacy under his belt and people don’t change unless they really really want to. And then even when they really do, there’s never any guarantee that they actually can.

I get that you are a wonderful woman and I don’t doubt that anyone would be lucky to have you. I also am sure that Patrick greatly enjoys your company and is happy when you give him your time and attention. But I just am concerned that not only is he broken when it comes to relationships, but more importantly that he’s not at all interested in trying to heal or fix anything. He’d rather say that you’re “not his type” than to do the work to actually enjoy having love in his life. And I’m concerned that you are letting time pass you while waiting on a bus that isn’t even in service.

You said that you’ve “read items from be irresistible and I can see that he is trying to improve but it’s a slow process.” Can you elaborate on that? What do you see that he is doing? And how do you know that it’s him trying to improve anything so that he can be more ready for a relationship? Or a better partner?

I want more than anything for you to have what you want as you deserve love, companionship, and happiness. I just want to be sure that there’s a good chance that what you’re waiting for will actually come to you sooner than later.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Yeah the holidays in general are always tough, and seem to be that way for lots of people, whether you have family or not. And New year’s Eve is almost like a culmination of it all. I used to feel like if I wasn’t invited to the most epic party on NYE then it was an indication of how good of a person I was and how well I was liked. When in reality, I think most people are focused on going on out NYE and are not trying to have these deep and intimate times with people anyway. But yes, it does feel like a bummer when no plans are extended to you. But I’m glad that you had a place to go to anyway, even if you didn’t have anyone in particular to go with. How was it?

It burns me up for you that these low brow pieces of sh+t hold power in this community that you’re in, and no one seems to have the intelligence to make up their own minds about people and will instead listen to made up lies by people who obviously don’t know a thing about the world. I can’t believe that a business professional would not want to work with you based on a lie told by someone like that. Not that I’m doubting it, but is it at possible that there was a misunderstanding and that it could be something else?

I can understand being too shocked to respond when someone says a disparaging remark like, “I heard you were trouble” but I’d be curious to find out just what exactly is it that they heard? And why are they mindlessly believing it. But you are right that it’s so insulting and what kind of grown adult speaks that way to someone else? It’s difficult to know how to respond in that kind of scenario because it’s so unexpected. Did you have any other interaction with that person over the course of the night?

So you said that that “no good people come to stay. But again that is a reflection of my attraction point”. Can you elaborate on that? I do agree that there is a definitely a level on which you are attracted to people who seem beneath you, but that’s because your self worth is in the toilet after years of the treatment you’ve endured. So even though you’re a strong, accomplished, intelligent, attractive, highly capable and intriguing woman, you feel like you have to beg for the slightest crumb from idiots and scabs. Is this what you’re referring to?

I too would like to see you “move your point of attraction” as it is a definitive piece here that’s holding you back. I know that you’ve done a lot of self work. Mantras, meditation and the like. So what’s it going to take? I think there’s a bit of identification that might help. Like what is it that you’re drawn to? Being very honest, as you can be with an anonymous coach online, what is it that excites you about a person who then turns out to be scummy? Like what attracted you to Bill? Dustin? The man who was around when we first started talking (I can’t remember his name)? Is there any common thread that you see in this men? Or anything similar that they incite in you? I think this could be a valuable exploration if we are to make any changes in how you’re bringing these kinds of people into your sphere.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Julia,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re entangled in what sounds like a very complicated situation. Complicated not only emotionally, but also physically and financially as well. Obviously there is a lot at stake, and many things that would need to be worked out and moved around in order to make things run smoothly for both of you.

It seems like because of all that it would take to disentangle from the situation, you are both trying to come up with solutions for how to make things work, when in reality, it may not be a workable situation.

You started out by saying that you asked him to leave because the situation was toxic, which sounds like the underlying truth of everything that’s going on here. That’s the disease, and everything else on top of it are the symptoms, or the reasons why it is that way. So let’s get into that. But before that, I’m wondering more about the histroy of your relationship. You’ve been together for over three years. How did it start? How was it going? When did it get toxic?

In terms of what seems to be happening now, there’s his family being very involved and having their opinions, which he seems to seriously take into account, and while I can’t say that he shouldn’t to some degree without knowing more, it does sound like the degree that he is including them in his decision making may not be healthy.
He does not seem like a very kind or self aware person himself, and the way he is being with you is very manipulative. He knows that he has you in a bind financially, and that you need him in order to keep your home. For him to tell you that he will consider staying with you as long as you allow him to try to impregnate you so he can explain to his family why he is still with you while he dates other women is seriously beyond the pale.

You said that you’ve been controlling, and I deeply understand how anxiety can make you feel like that. I want you to treat yourself gently and kindly here, and this is a trigger/trauma response, and you a caring partner would understand that and would not begrudge you connection because of your anxiety.

What you describe as his overly masculine nature is not only also very toxic, but smacks of someone who is incredibly anxious himself and extremely emotionally immature masking it with a macho exterior. A true strong man would never behave in this way with a woman that he loves. But don’t take that as “he doesn’t love me, there’s something wrong with me”. See it for what it is. An very unhealthy relationship with someone who really has a lot of personal growth work to do in order to be a good partner to anyone.

This man should not be dating anyone, not even you. His behaviour is very troubling, and you need support to see how you are being manipulated in this situation, and to have the strength and courage to determine the next steps needed to get yourself out of this bad situation. The best thing I’ve heard of him doing so far is getting his own place, but the rest of it is just really not good at all.

That’s my initial take. How does this land for you? And can you tell me more about why you want to fight for this relationship?

xoxo
Spyce

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