[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Glad to hear that you are your guy are working thru things! Being able to talk openly about your emotions and triggers is so important. Being able to recognize patterns, and realize when you are triggered and acting from that place, is also really beneficial.
If you can have all of those elements, you have all the makings of a great relationship!

But yes, the hardest part is when you ARE in the middle of a triggered situation. At that point, it can be really difficult to be clear and realize that whatever is happening now is not the same as what was happening in the past, and you don’t have to treat it like such.
Sounds like he’s been very hurt in the past in relationships, and so he is afraid to trust someone new. So when he feels scared, he just wants to push you away.

But if you are sticking in there with each other, then that should help this to be successful. I’m sure there will still be much work ahead of you as life is full of triggers. But if you’re able to handle it with ease and grace, and not run away when the going gets tough, I have high hopes that you guys can be successful!

Let us know how things go!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

While it does sound uncomfortable and sad, I am SO glad that you had such an eye opening experience with him! It IS amazing how just a bit of distance from someone can show us just how crazy and messed up something/one is, and reveal what a burden they are to our psyche and actual physical life.

I’m glad that you are getting to see the real him finally. I have to say that it sounds like he’s been this way for awhile, but everyone needs to hit their breaking point and I’m glad that you hit yours. I agree that he is NOT worth your time and effort, and you deserve way more than that man-child could give you. He is broken and messy, and you can and will have much better. I can tell from our conversations that you are a high quality person. You are an amazing partner and you will find someone who can match you! As soon as you stop wasting time with someone who is nowhere up to snuff.

That being said, I fully support the no contact rule. If you feel like contacting him, ask yourself: What am I going to get from contacting him? What’s in it for me?

It doesn’t sound like he’s much of a giver, and he’s into a whole lotta taking. So is there anything in it for you to interact with him? Keep reminding yourself of this last experience with him, and rejoice in the fact that you are no longer saddled with him!

And then…celebrate! You’re free 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jasmine,

Congrats on doing the strong, but doesn’t necessarily feel good thing, and NOT contacting him! I hope that you can keep that up. It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy or happy relationship that you’re in, and that you’re continuing to put yourself in a situation where you will be rejected by contacting him. That doesn’t feel good!

It sounds like you are constantly going against your boundaries, and doing whatever you need to do to engage with him, even though he is barely engaging with you. You didn’t want to text and wanted to have an important conversation with him in order to get your needs met, and he was totally disrespectful and uncaring.

This guy does NOT deserve the time of day from you. What is drawing you back and what do you need to do to remember to stay away from him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like a very intense experience that you have there. It always feels so magical when you reconnect with someone from the past. We get transported back to the time when we met them…when we were younger, less jaded, less baggage, more hope. Being around a person like that makes us feel young again, and like we can forget all of the negative things that happened in the years while we were apart.
That’s why rekindling with a lost love feels so intoxicating.

But you do have to keep in mind a few things, and one of them is to examine what the person has been doing in the years that you were apart. How hav they grown, and/or not grown. Are they the same person, or have they changed? And is that for the better or for the worse?

So I’m curious what was happening in the years that you lost touch. You obviously were with someone and had children. How did that go?
What about him? Was he married?

Another aspect to consider is that you jumped into being together very quickly, and assumed many things of each other based on your history. To be fair, you didn’t really know each other and what you are like in the here and now, which is obviously super important. Now that you are learning more about each other, are you compatible?

You say that you love him, but what about him exactly? I don’t have a clear sense from you as to what is driving you in this relationship beyond nostalgia.

Can you share a bit more? All of these details are so important as you need to look at where you’ve been to determine the best path forward.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Brooke,

Thanks for reaching out to us here and welcome! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with this painful experience. I’m sure it does feel like a huge rejection when you sleep with someone and then they don’t want a relationship.

But what I’m wondering is more info about how you meet people, in what context, and how transparent you are about what you are wanting and needing. Here’s the thing: many men are opportunistic (to be fair, it’s a human nature thing!) and so if given an opportunity to hit it and quit it, they just might. And that’s not on you. But it might be evident in the men that you are picking to spend time with.

If you meet someone online, and you don’t have a forthright conversation with them about what you want, they may assume that all you want is sex as well. If you sleep with them without having this conversation, and just hope that if you sleep with them they will magically want a relationship, you will likely wind up very disappointed, time and again.

I’m sure that you’re a lovely person and that there are men out there who would love to be with you. But you have to be forthright about what you’re looking for, and not sleep with someone unless it’s been established that you’re on the same page.

Does that make sense? Let me know more about how things are going for you and I can give better advice!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I’m curious to hear more about the man who wanted a relationship that you walked away from? How did you meet? What happened? Why didn’t it work?

Hope you’re having a fun day out in the sun!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

It sounds like this man is extremely confused. On one hand, he really cares for you and it’s obvious that you have chemistry and love between you. On the other hand, it sounds like he has a myriad of issues with not only his own lifestyle, but also triggers from the past that are being brought up by connecting with someone who he really could have a good relationship with.
It’s sad, but it’s also something that only he can change.

It just seems like you are bending over backwards and trying to do your best to be exactly what he needs at every moment, but what he needs is to work on his issues for himself, and it’s not something that you can do for him. No matter what you say or do, he will still have years of his own personal demons that he will have to commit to working on, and then actually do the work to be stable enough to have a healthy and sustainable relationship.

So I’m cautious to advise you to find just the right thing to say in the hopes that it will somehow create change with these deep issues that he is carrying because then it puts the responsibility on you when it’s not up to you.
All you can do is change yourself.

Are there any of your own personal issues where you feel like you need help navigating, or is it all things where you see things in him?
Focusing on you is going to be much more beneficial in this situation than to try and help him.

[Coach Spyce]

Unfortunately for many people who are running dating services as a business, it is just that, a business. So they don’t really care about the people that they are serving, and that really doesn’t work well with a business based on matters of the heart. In order to be a good matchmaker, relationship coach, or anyone in this field, you HAVE to care about your clients. But to be honest, I’ve heard of this kind of attitude quite often with matchmaking services, which is why I usually tell my clients to steer clear of them. I just can’t say I’ve met anyone who has had good luck. So don’t feel too bad about that!

I am not sure exactly what facebook groups to look in as they are so personalized but it seems like there is a group for anything under the sun, so I’d say just search for whatever seems interesting and you never know what you’ll find! Meetup is a good spot too, but it sounds like you’re not finding too much on there? Maybe join a few more groups and see what other kinds of events people are having. Even just a basic social event or movie night could be a good way to meet people.

Because in reality, you sound like a very friendly person who could literally meet someone anywhere! So it just sounds like the issue is meeting the people who are single and looking for dating opportunities. Yes that is more common if you’re going to a “singles event” but that old cliche does have some truth to it. You know, the one about how it’ll happen when you’re least looking for it? I think it’s a combo of being open, putting yourself in spaces where you might find someone, and then just relaxing and doing you!

Anything wrong with that plan? 😉

[Coach Spyce]

Ha! Why would anyone brag about having a bunch of stodgy old men who want to tell you what to do at your disposal, lol?! Most of those men are going to be set in their ways, which doesn’t sound like a match for someone who is as active and adventurous as you are. Well it wasn’t a fit, now you know! It sounded like they were the only game in town, but maybe you can find something else in the area when you’re back around.
Or somewhere else!

Despite what I said above about the older men in the matchmaking service who sounded boring as all get out, I do believe that age really is only a number. In reality, it’s all about your interests, energy level, and personality. There are men in their 30s who are more mature than men in their 50s, and men in their 60s who are more adventurous than men in their 30s! So I think it really depends on the person!
Also, the older generation of men were raised in a much more reserved way. They were taught to be the providers and were not taught to respect a woman who outgoing, assertive, and independent. So that right there might be part of the disconnect that you experience with men your age.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with seeing who you connect with, and not focusing on how old they are but rather how feel around them and how much you enjoy their company. Of course you can have your limit, but I feel like at a certain point, a good 20 years in any direction is not only permissible, but can be very successful!

The outdoor adventures when you’re home sound like fun too and a great place to meet a fit and sporty man with some common interests who can keep us. Let us know how it goes 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

It’s good that you understand him well and can give him the space that he needs without taking it personally. It also is good to balance that understanding with care for yourself, and speaking up about your own needs. That is super important! The more balanced a relationship is, the healthier it will be, and the more sustainable it becomes. Having clear communication is so important in ensuring this all comes about.

But sometimes, well almost all the time, when someone is triggered it’s difficult to have clear communication happen. So I’d recommend talking to him at a time when he’s not stressed. Let him know that you’d like to discuss how to improve your communication so that way you guys can make it work.
If you feel like you can have this discussion without feeling upset, ask him to talk in depth about his fears and insecurities. Be there for him and let him unload. Many men, and especially when they are quite a bit older, feel like they have to always be the protector and the one in control. They have to do all of the work, and the woman is the soft receptor. Allow him to be soft and vulnerable. It sounds like he is open to talking with you, so I’d say to take advantage of that.

And when he’s in this place of trust with you, tell him about what you need. Not in a blaming way that indicates that he’s not giving it to you in someway, but just in a very relaxed and calm way.

Hopefully having some of these kinds of conversations will enable you to get closer, and over some of the humps that you’re currently experiencing.

Let me know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laura,

Sounds like things are moving along nicely and that you’re doing a good job taking care of yourself! Heidi is really great at empowering women to stand up and care for themselves well, so I’m glad that she’s been able to be here with you through this rough patch.

I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you’re on the other side, or at least starting to get there. You moved out, and you are staying strong. Good for you!

Of course it’s not surprising that he’s messaging you. From what I gathered, you are way too good for him and out of his league in terms of maturity and what you give in a relationship. He was lucky to have you, and soon, if he doesn’t already, he’s going to realize how big he messed up. You should be ready for that, because he is likely going to try to get you back. He is used to having his way, and just saying he’s sorry and is forgiven. You can do that if you want, but I think you know where that will lead.

So I greatly encourage you to prep for that now, so that way you can feel confident and resourced when he tries to make you feel bad for him, or guilty for standing up for yourself and not being willing to settle anymore. Believe me, I’m a big fan of working on things and I think it was wonderful that the 2 of you went to therapy, but both people have to be committed to change in order for things to work, and from things you’ve said, I don’t know that he has the capacity to change. Or if he does, he will truly need to hit rock bottom in order to make those changes on his own. I’m sure you leaving will help in that process.

But whether it does or not, is really not your problem. Absolutely spend time doing the things that you love, especially the things that he didn’t want to do! Once you remember how much you love your life without him, the easier it will be to let him go fully, and move on to greener pastures!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Sorry to hear about that experience with the matchmaking service. It doesn’t sound like a quality company at all! Anyone who is in customer service, which is basically what that business is, would understand that you need to listen to your clients to find out what they really want. In fact, you need to be able to read between the lines in order to determine what the client wants that they are not even saying! Because if you can give them that, well then you are truly talented at what you do!

But it doesn’t sound like a big loss because likely most of the men he had in his agency were like him, and he didn’t sound like a catch at all! It sounded like he just wanted woman as an accessory to these men, who were the more important people in his view. What a crock!
Was there a specific theme to this matchmaking service?

It sounds like you’re very active, and maybe the men your age are not up to snuff with what you’re bringing to the table. Have you ever thought about dating someone younger? I mean, i’m not talking about robbing the cradle, but you seem rather youthful and independant, and maybe part of the reason that you;re not finding men who can match you, is because they don’t feel like they could be up to your level.

It’s not all about you doing something wrong! I see that a lot with women, as we are often told that we have to change in order to attract a man. Be more of this and less of that and I tell you, I don’t buy that! I think being delightfully yourself and proud of it is really the key. The right man will be attracted to just that and will adore you even more for it.

I’m curious, have you ever tried that approach? Just being unabashedly you with someone and seeing where the chips fell? I’d be curious to know how that went for you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sono,

It sounds like you are well aware of your triggers and what you are doing in this relationship. Ad you know, you can’t change anyone. All you can do is provide a space for them to feel comfortable in, and maybe inspire them to make the changes that are necessary.

If you really feel like you have something with him and that he is depressed, maybe you can reach out to him just to see how he’s doing. Not to get any reaction for yourself but as a way to show him that you care.

I know that you still love him, and maybe after having some space, he will be able to see where he overreacted.

Do you feel like this could be a good tactic to take at this point?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

It sounds like you are doing everything that you can to make this work with this guy, but I am concerned that you are trying to change yourself to fit into what he wants. It also sounds like he makes you feel guilty for just being you, and that he’s not taking responsibilities for his own issues.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and if there’s going to be compromise, it has to be on both sides.

He wants to be part of the decisions…what do you want?
You’re working on giving him what he needs…what do you need?

We all have growing to do, but your growth has to be based on what you feels good to you, not on what you’re doing to please someone else.

Does this make sense?

[Coach Spyce]

HI Victoria,

I see that you are new to the forum, welcome! While we appreciate you reaching out and trying to interact with the other women, many of these threads that you’re engaging on are no longer active.

Also, we advise our participants to be careful about giving unsolicited advice to other members as it can sometimes cause tension.

The coaches on the forum (currently Heidi and I) are trained and have been handpicked by James and the company to give advice to our members, and currently, we are the only ones who can really be in that position.

We so appreciate your enthusiasm and desire to connect, and please don’t stop doing so! Just maybe find a way to connect more with other members on a friendly, peer to peer basis, instead of trying to coach them.

Thanks for your understanding, and we look forward to getting to know you!
xoxo
Spyce

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