[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laurie,

I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this! I know how much of a betrayal this feels like, and also how shocking it is. Of course you are having a hard time accepting this. You’ve known this man intimately for two years. You considered him your partner, and felt a deep connection with him. You believed that the time that you spent together was coming from a genuine place, and why wouldn’t you? You had no reason to believe or think otherwise.
To discover this out of the blue is such a blow.

I know that this makes you feel like you were naive and foolish for not knowing this was going on, but please don’t put that on yourself. What this man did is actually psychopathic and for you to even suspect such an outlandish thing would be asking a lot. To be fair, he’s probably been doing this for a long time, and so he is obviously very good at hiding it. But I imagine that he’s been caught before. I can’t believe that he’s done this his entire adult life without consequence, but who knows? Maybe he has.

In terms of this being a rejection, once again I have to say that this man has a sickness. What he is doing is very wrong, and has nothing to do with you or your self worth. That’s getting into the mindset of thinking that we can change someone who is an abuser. Maybe if I was nicer, prettier, more understanding, blah blah, then he would change and love me. The fact is that he is not a good person, and you don’t want him to want you. But I do know that’s hard to come to terms with as it goes against the experiences that you’ve been having with him the past two years.

In terms of what you should do, there are few ways to think about it. First question, do you feel safe telling him in person? You thought that you knew him, but now it’s apparent that you don’t. So that would be important to think deeply on. If you do decide to talk in person, I would recommend doing so in a public place.

He is actively pursuing someone that you know in your small community…wow. It’s almost like he’s asking to be caught. Truth be told, he may be. Many times when someone is wrapped up in an elaborate lie such as this, they secretly cream of being found out so that they can not have to lie anymore. It’s a lot of work and mental energy to always keep up with a charade such as this. If you have told your mutual friend, do you think that she will tell the friend about him? That could be a good plan.

Whatever you do, don’t be surprised if he acts very remorseful, gets upset, and tries to convince you that somehow this is a misunderstanding. That is a common thing that liars do, and they will be the most remorseful to whoever catches them, and try to woo them back and get them on their side. You have to stay strong and recognize that he is lying to you, and has been cheating on you with multiple women in a significant way. I’m sorry but that’s the painful truth.

Please keep me posted on what happens and know that I am here for you. You are a strong and intelligent woman, and you did nothing wrong. Don’t forget that!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

How are you doing? I’m wondering how you found out for certain that he is “with someone else”? You said that “you learned so much about him the past couple of days”. Did something happen?
How did you get this info?

Regardless of how or what it is, I am glad that you were able to find out more about who he really is. I know it doesn’t feel good to learn that he’s been lying to you, and I’m sorry that you have to go thru this pain, but I am glad to hear that you are getting the necessary information that can help you to move on.

I just don’t want you thinking that this is anything to do with you, and it sounds like you know that. After all, he has a history of cheating and treating women poorly, so that is on him, not you. That is obviously who he is, and that on top of all of the other things about him that make him a broken mess…well you certainly dodged a bullet!

It’s so difficult when someone comes to you from your past and tries to entice you with memories of what once was, or even more so, what you always thought could be and never happened. Unfortunately men prey on women who they once had a connection with, and they go to them after they have spent years screwing up their lives. They try to get back into that woman’s good graces, to make themselves feel like maybe they really aren’t that bad. But once it becomes apparent that all of their issues are still there, they then want to blame the most immediate woman, when obviously it has nothing to do with her at all.

Now he is moving onto a new victim. I feel bad for the next woman to get caught up with him. He’s really no good.

So my concern is how are you feeling now? And what are you doing to care for yourself during this time? The last thing I want is for you to feel regret, sadness, shame, blame, or bad in anyway. What are you doing to keep your head up? What are your plans for the immediate future?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, TV and media is a magnificent thing, used to fill our heads up with ideas and crazy notions about things. Reality shows can have a sense of reality to them, and while they may not be totally 100% made up, there is much that is created behind the scenes from what’s in front of the camera. They are still fun to watch tho! I do like dating shows, they are fun for research!

I can relate to your work situation as I have worked in projects with many moving parts and to be able to keep everyone on the same page can be tough. Having someone like you who is very helpful and a great problem solver is a wonderful boon to your company. I hope they know how lucky they are, and treat you well accordingly!

Rollerblading Rhonda! Wow! Is there anything sporty that you CAN’T do? I am so impressed! The right man is going to have his socks knocked off one of these days. Except if it’s the right man, I think he’ll be wearing flip flops and right next to you at the helm steering the ship 🙂

Talk soon!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tara,

How is it going? We haven’t heard from you in awhile and I just wanted to check in and see what was happening! If you are anything like me, a LOT could have happened in the last week or 2, or maybe nothing at all, but I still am curious to hear of any new developments in your relationship world.

Do tell 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Laurie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting! Well that’s quite a story but unfortunately, not an uncommon one. Sadly there are many men doing this kind of thing who are not being truthful about their lives and are downright psychotically lying to many women. I am so glad that you found out!

I know that you are heartbroken, but are you angry at all? There is a lot at stake here…I mean for one thing, we are in a pandemic and traveling with people and lying to them about who you are spending time with (especially someone in the medical industry) is pretty outrageous. But then on top of that, there’s your sexual health. Which if you’re sleeping with him and not using protection, is a huge violation that pre-dates anything covid wise! And if he’s telling all these other women the same thing, he is doing the same things with them as well. It’s really so incredibly awful behaviour.

What exactly do you want? Your letter starts out by saying your heartbroken and ends with you saying you want to graciously address this. It feels to me like you want to be talked out of this by him. Like you’re hoping there could be a reasonable explanation for this. That of course is the fantasy, but this is all too obvious to be anything but what it is. A liar and a cheat. I’m so very sorry.

You sound like a lovely person and I commend you not wanting to be hateful, but this is all inexcusable and I can’t imagine not telling this person off and dropping them from my life, so I want to know what feelings you are having about it, because they may be different. And it’s important for you to have closure with this in the way that’s going to feel good for you. So I want to learn more about moving forward, and what you’re hoping to get out of the confrontation that you need to have with him.

Have you talked since the trip where you found this out?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Well I guess the thing is that this all bothers me too. I really dislike when someone goes from so hot to so cold, and refuses connection, closure, clarity. To me it’s not only immature, it’s rude and actually pretty darn cruel. Now if you were some young woman who just went out with a guy for a few weeks/months and then this happened, I’d say, “just let him go, girl”. And while unfortunately that IS the only thing I can really see you doing, it is pretty disheartening because of your history with him.

That’s why I just feel like this man is beyond broken. He is so incredibly broken that he is willing to not only lose the love of his life, but to treat her unkindly in the process. To say that he’s breaking up with you because he doesn’t approve of your relationship with your children is really out of line and not compassionate at all. As your partner, he should be supporting you so that you feel more resourced and better able to handle your children. Not chastising you for not doing it like he would. Which if how he has treated you is any indication of how he treats people that he loves, I doubt I’d be impressed with his parenting skills either.

The fact that he said to “never contact him again” is just so hurtful and disrespectful, and downright ridiculously immature. Is he 12? Come on now!
I do think your gut instinct of him making up someone that he’s talking to is spot on. He’s desperately trying to push you away, because he is so darn terrified. Unfortunately, he is more afraid of facing his fears than he is of losing you. It’s easier for him to stay in a hell of his own making, because he’s been in it for so long and so comfortable, than it is to branch out and deal with the realities of life.

You have had a LOT of care and compassion for him, but what has he had for you? He supposedly has been your closest friend, but what he is doing now is not something a friend would ever do. The only way someone would do that to someone that they care about, is when they are so incredibly devastated inside themselves, which is what is so obvious from everything you’ve told me about him.

I know that you are hurting and missing him deeply. I know that you want to believe that one day he will return, and who knows? I’m a coach but I’m not that psychic (unless I start pulling out the tarot cards!) so I can’t say for sure. Refresh my memory…has he ever done this before and come back?

But at this point, it’s just not healthy for you to keep focusing on that. I know that you feel guilty and like you could have done more, but you did nothing wrong. Being friends with an ex is ok in a healthy relationship where there is trust and support. The sad truth is, your relationship with him was never that healthy. There’s no way it can be. He is not healthy, and you my dear sweet lady, are reacting to lots of trauma from your past.

I still don’t know most of what you dealt with as a young person/child, but I know life hasn’t always been easy and supportive for you. So it’s natural to be attracted to people who are not really there for you in some way. It’s ok. But I want you to be with someone who adores and cherishes you. Maybe he feels that way about you, but he doesn’t have the resources inside to show you that. But it’s not because of anything that you did or didn’t do. He had many years of living life without you, and he got all kinds of messed up in the process. None of that is your fault, but you are dealing with the fall out of that.

You have to get to the point where you don’t see his relationship as a gift, you see it as a burden. That might take some time, but I’d like you to think on that a bit. Because as mentioned, I can’t say that he’s going to respond, or that he’s not.
But what I do know, is that you can’t sit around waiting for someone to choose you over their pain. No matter how much they love you, they will choose the pain every time.

So that’s what we really have to work on. You getting to the point where you can realize that, and move on to knowing that you can have love and connection in this world in a healthy way with someone who chooses that with you.

It may take awhile, but I’m here for you as long as you need me.
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Well it sounds like you learned a lot from your relationships so that’s a good thing! You learned what to accept and what not to, and while it’s no fun to be single, it’s better than having to deal with a bad relationship!
In some sense you have to be glad that you hit that rock bottom because if you hadn’t, you might still be dealing with abusive jersk, so that’s at least something to be grateful for!

As far as I know, most reality shows are pretty…unreal. As a matter of fact, there’s a show with that title, that’s a scripted show, but is all about that industry. The producers are running a show that’s very much like the Bachelor/Bachelorette and it goes behind the scenes of what they are dealing with, and what they are doing to make the shows successful. It’s pretty scandalous, but if you like that sort of thing, it might be worth a watch!

Also, I have a friend who has worked in TV for many years. When we were younger, I was always trying to see how I could get on a reality show and she always talked me out of it, letting me know that it didn’t matter who you were…the producers’ jobs were to make you look whatever way they wanted for ratings. It’s a crazy business!

But if you have fun watching the show, no harm in that 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

First off, don’t be sorry, at least not to me…but not to anyone! You have been a really upstanding and understanding person in this situation, and I really feel for you. I am sorry that this is happening, and to be honest, I’m starting to feel not very kindly towards “William” right now either…

As mentioned, I don’t think that he has the ability to be a partner to anyone, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that aspect. But whehter he does i=or not, you have to start thinking of him as someone that you don’t want to be with.
I do think now that you have to let it go, and try to move on as best as you can. We can’t know when or if you will hear from him, and you can’t spend everyday waiting. You just have to move on.

So here are a couple of tips for that…

1. Allow yourself to feel sad: The more you mourn something, the more that you can let it go. The more that you really feel something, the more that you can move through it and get to the other side. It’s ok and perfectly normal to feel sad.

2. Rediscover yourself: All of us make sacrifices to be with the person we love, and I know that you made your share in this situation. If there are any activities that you’d given up while you were in the relationship, go back to them now. It will help you recapture that person you were before the relationship. While I know this may seem hard given your history, you have to get back to feeling good without him in your life.

3. Go easy on yourself: I see that you might have a hard time with this one, and I want to remind you again how important this is. Don’t overanalyze what you did wrong or what you could have done better. Know that you did the best you could, and that you’re a good person.

Whatever you do, you want to take the time to process the entire relationship so you can heal and move forward. Take time to reflect on the situation by journaling, meditating, or speaking with friends and family members. Writing to us here is good as well, and seeing a therapist if you can may help as well.

We are here for you, and will keep reminding you that you’re a wonderful person!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Desiree,

Thanks for sharing more info! Now I have a better idea of where you are coming from…what is sounds like is classic fear. If he’s been in love with you for many years, and maybe always felt like you where the one who “got away”, it’s going to be difficult for him to believe now that you are truly into him.

So I guess that’s my other question…are you truly into him? Some people say that when you see someone as a friend it takes something to change that to romance. What changed for you with him? Is it purely time and being more mature? Going through the wringer of life and getting a new perspective with him? If so, what is that perspective that you see? What do you like about your relationship with him?

The other thing to always look at, as mentioned, is the person’s availability for a healthy relationship, and yours as well. What have you learned from your past relationships? What have his past relationships been like? They didn’t work out, but there is a lot of gray area in there.

I’m just asking all of this, because where someone is at in life can greatly determine the health and feasibility of your desired relationship. Love, is just simply not enough unfortunately, because love means so many different things to people across the board. So if he’s not really ready for a relationship for a variety of reasons, he’s going to get terrified when it starts to feel like the relationship is impending. And then he will pull away.

Also many times in these situations the men don’t want to admit that they are scared, broken, not ready, etc as it will feel like failure. And if they’ve had a thing for you for a long time, it will feel like a long anticipated and much larger failure, because it’s based on years and years of build up and desire. So none of this can be taken lightly.

That’s the first step I see here…really getting clear on not only what both of you truly want in your life, but what you are ready to commit to, work towards and live with. Once you figure that out, you can then proceed with caution if it seems like it will work.

Does this make sense to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I’m glad to hear that you were able to break off those relationships when you saw that they weren’t giving you what you wanted. Way too many women stay in relationships for way too long for all the wrong reasons.

Often times they think that he’s going to change, or change back to the way that he was when they first met. Sometimes people get entangled very quickly and then feel like they have to be with the person for a myriad of typically unrealistic reasons. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing any of this, so kudos!

But I know that it’s tough to meet someone great and that’s real…

What about referrals from friends? Do you have many married girlfriends? If you do, maybe see if any of their husbands have a friend, or know of someone. People in relationships always like to set up their single friends!

Have you tried that?

Hope things are going well!

[Coach Spyce]

Yes girl, how is that list coming to remind yourself of all the ways he’s NOT good for you?! Getting long yet?

Not trying to poke fun, but I can tell that you know now how messy and immature he is, and how much better you deserve. I’m so glad that you have “seen the light” because I can just tell that you will be on to sooooo much bigger and better before too long in your life.

I love that you are using our emails as feel good mantras! Want to share any that are working?
I can think of a few myself!

And yes, what does talking to him give you? It doesn’t bring you joy, happiness, care, satisfaction…none of the good stuff! So yes, do not be tempted to contact you. He is never going to be there for you because he doesn’t know how. He’s a big baby, pure and simple. I’m sure that’s not sexy!

I’m also really glad to see that you are not taking his inabilities personally. You are clear that this is not about you, and that his issues are very well deep seated and were there before he even met you! That’s WHY you ever got together in the first place. He is living out an unhealthy dynamic with you, this other woman, and while I’m not sure where it comes from (mommy complex, maybe?), I don’t really care and neither need you anymore.

Let him someone else’s mess to clean up. You’re off to the races!

xoxo

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

I am so so sorry to hear this update. I really do think though that there is more going on here. Let’s just look at things a bit more clearly, shall we?

First off, I want to let you know that this is NOT about you and your self worth, or how he feels about you. Believe me, I see women in love with men who don’t give a crap about them all the time, and yes I know that you have just told me your side, but I can tell that this is not what’s going on here.

I hear that you have low self esteem, and it’s your pattern to assume that you are not loved, desired, or worthy. So of course it’s natural when anything that feels like rejection happens, you are going to turn towards the idea that it’s just because you’re not loveable enough to make the person do whatever it is that they are not doing. Do you know where this comes from? If you’re not sure, think back to when this feeling arose in you, and you may find that something happened to you earlier in life to make you feel that way. But as real as it may feel now, it doesn’t have to be what the reality now is.

This man, “William”, is severely broken. Even back when you first knew each other, he didn’t have the ability to be strong in his convictions and ask for what he wanted. He had low self esteem too, because he didn’t think that you wanted him back then even. He waited so many years to be truthful about his feelings because he was terrified of having the chance to be with you, and to fail. And now he has.

He has been through a lot, I will give him that, but it sounds like your life has not been a walk in the park either. But you are willing to push past your fears and to face love, head on. He, unfortunately, is too petrified to do that same thing, so instead he will push you away and slink back to his unfulfilling life. It’s really sad. But it’s not about you.

Of course it’s easier to run away than it is to face everything that your love makes him have to look at in himself. A life of happiness, a life of commitment, a life of facing his fears head on. Growth and healing is scary, and he has so much to do that it feels too daunting. At this point though, that’s what you represent to him. A beautiful life that he doesn’t feel like he deserves or can live up to.

Him saying that he’s talking with someone else is just a tactic he is using to push you away because so far, nothing else has worked. This man is so not ready for a relationship, he would only find another severely broken person and it would never work out. But in reality, that’s part of the problem. He’s not actually available for a relationship, with anyone and unfortunately, not with you either. So even though he may desperately want you, he feels like he is doing the only admirable thing by pushing you away. Because if he didn’t, he would hurt you more than he can bear.

I’m so sorry that this is happening and that he is not able to step out of the fear and move forward with you. So what can you do now?

As much as it will hurt, I do think that you have to try and give things a rest for awhile. I am a big fan of the letter. Are you open to that idea?
If so, I would reccomend sending him a really heartfelt and open letter where you acknowledge all of this. Acknowledge his pain, his fear, his trauma. Show him that you understand by not making it about you, or his lack of feelings for you. Let him know that you want to work through this with him and that you’re willing to help, as long as he is willing to go the distance with you. Remind him that you are willing to go the distance with him too.

I would try that and see how he responds. Don’t do this via a phone call, or even a text where you can get into a back and forth. Do this in an email or even snail mail, and then see what happens.

I can’t promise that it will do anything but you will get an answer. Either he responds well and you can move forward, he responds poorly and/or he doesn’t respond at all and you have to work on the letting go process.

Whatever happens, I want you to know that you will be ok. Because no matter how it feels, there is nothing that’s happening here that is any reflection of you. You are a wonderful person who is giving their all, and that’s a beautiful thing. If this man can’t work on his own healing to receive the gift that you’re offering, it’s really on you. Please remember that.

I am rooting for you, let me know how it goes!!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Thank you so much for sharing more of your story. I undersyand that it was difficult for you to be that vulnerable, and I really appreciate and commend you for opening up. Of course you are not bothering me, or anyone else on this forum! We are here to help, and are happy to. As coaches, we have seen it all, and my reasoning to be in this line of work is to have the privilege to help women like you achieve happy and healthy, sustainable relationships. That’s what I want for you, so please don’t ever feel like you’re a burden. You’re not.

I can tell how heartbreaking this is for you. I can feel your pain leaping off the screen and I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult experience with William.

You have a long-standing yearning with this man, and a pining away that has gone on for decades now. Of course when you have an unrequited feeling like that for so long, when you finally DO have the opportunity to live it out, you want to try and do that at any cost. But sometime the cost is very great, and the participants may not feel like they can afford it, or that they even have the ability to do what needs to be done.

You and William also have a history of not being true with your emotions about each other. I assume that insecurities have gotten in the way, and they are continuing to. Obviously William has been through hell and back, and it sounds like you have not been far behind. I’m sorry to hear about the drug issues with your children’s father, as well as the abusive relationship that you were in. It can be very difficult in life to find the people who can truly be there for you, and I can understand feeling like William can be the one to give that to you.

But I do agree that you did move in too fast, and meshing your lives together in the present based on the connection that you’d had in the past can be a recipe for stress and misunderstanding. For him to take on being a father to your kids is a lot, and if you have different ways of handling them that you didn’t discuss, that is going to cause much drama. In reality, it’s not fair for him to be mad at you with how you are with your kids, but if he’s in your lives trying to be a father figure to them as well, it does start to become his business. I can see how that would be stressful.

Also, it just sounds lije hs is dealing with so much of his own inner turmoil. He loves you, but is scared. Of himself, of love, of making the changes that he will have to make to be in a relationship…to opening up, to being vulnerable. So many things. He’s confused, obviously. He loves and cares for your deeply. But he doesn’t feel confident that he can be the man that you need, and that he knows that you deserve. The last thing that he wants is to disappoint you.

So what can you do? There is so much here and it is difficult to address it all, but I wonder if he is open to therapy? A men’s group? Is there someone that he can talk to? I am not sure how deeply you can go with him when he’s so scared and confused. You are not a professional or unbiased. You are a woman who loves him, and you can only do so much.

This all sounds so painful and I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I am honored to be here for you through all of this as you navigate this situation. I don’t have all the answers, but I will support you as best as I can.

I want you to have the love that you desire, but I also want you to feel whole and happy in general, because he may not have the capacity right now to give you that.

What do you think would help you right now?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Caroline,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out!

So he’s 46? Run, girl! That man ain’t changing! Reading through this I was thinking that this was some guy in his 20’s so tha should tell you something right there!
He sounds very lazy and if you are saying that he’s super handsome, he’s probably not used to having to work too hard to get women to fawn all over him. A man like that is never going to be the hero for you. Ad a matter of fact, it sounds like he can’t even be the hero for himself!

Looks fade, chemistry fades, and as you said, actions speak louder than words and when it comes to action, it doesn’t sound like he’s taking any. If after only a couple of months he’s not making any effort, he’s not going to suddenly change and start. This is who he is. You know that expression…when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Believe him, believe me, believe yourself. This man is not worth your time.

Your question: Should I continue to invest time, energy and emotions or move on?

You sound like a smart woman and I think you know the answer…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Desiree,

Thanks for reaching out! I have to say that this story is becoming more common everyday! Now with the internet, it’s much easier for romance to rekindle, AND it is quite the fairytale when it does. It’s always so exciting to be back in touch with someone who you loved and never got to have the full experience with. So I can understand and appreciate how alluring this can be.

There are some pitfalls, however. Usually in these kinds of situations, there are unrealistic ideals built up about who someone is, based on who they used to be. In the here and now, that’s not always accurate to who they are now. So really delving into that is important.

That being said, please share more about where you and him both are in your life in terms of your relationships. Have you been married? Recently divorced? What about him?

All of these questions can help determine the path forward and the validity of the relationship.

xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

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