[Coach Spyce]

Oh, I see that you already are talking with Heidi in a different thread, so I’ll let you continue there. She is wonderful and will be able to help you!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Celia,

Welcome to the forum! We can absolutely help you navigate your dating and relationship questions.

Please share more so we can help!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Krithika,

Thank you for sharing more about the site that you’re meeting this man through, but I have to say that I’m a little confused…

So you are married, but are unhappy in your marriage as is he, and you come to the dating portal to meet other people who you will just spend time with platonically? Or you are coming there to meet other people to cheat on your spouses with? Or do your spouses know about this site?

In the US where I am there are so many sites but I’ve never heard of anything particularly like this in India and I am unclear as to how it works. I think I really need to understand this more before I can give any useful advice. because as i see it, if you’re just planning to be friends with this man, what does it matter if he finds you attractive or not? But if the purpose of the site is to just have a sexual relationship with someone, then it obviously is one of the most important parts ot the connection.

I’m also curious what the situation is with your husband. There is no judgement, I just am unclear as to what is happening here.

Please share more so I can fully understand your situation!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rachel,

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story in the forum! I’m really sorry to hear that things are going sideways in your relationship and that you’re feeling sad and lonely. We hope to be able to help you navigate this sticky situation, which sounds like there are lots of emotions and moving parts involved.

First off, what is the status of the relationship now? So you’re still living together but are you still officially broken up? How does that play out in your daily life? I know you mentioned that he’s going out a lot on his own now. Is that the only thing different or are there are other things that have changed?

You also said that you recently we had a discussion about the huge possibility that he either has undiagnosed adult adhd, or possibly is bipolar.

You were relieved and happy as is natural. I’m sure this was finally giving you a feeling of clarity and like things could be moving in the right direction. And then it felt blind-siding when he broke things off, especially when you’ve been there with him through all of this. My take is that having this possible “revelation” could have been really dysregulating for him, and while it felt like a wonderful milestone for you, it could have invoked all kinds of terror in him, creating the need to push away the person who he’s been the closest to in the last few years, aka you.

Who are the other close people in his life? Does he have any? Is he in therapy? Is he willing to be? If not, hopefully he is willing as it’s really a lot of pressure to put on you and your relationship to have you be the person who is helping to diagnose him, and that pressure could really have a lot to do with why he is feeling like he has to end things with you.

He might be right that maybe the two of you need to do work on your own before you can be together. What do you feel about that? You said that you’ve been having issues, or maybe always have. Can you speak more to those issues and how they play out?

The most important thing that you can do right now as this is going on is to take really good care of yourself. Do you have friends of hobbies that you love? Maybe things or people that you’ve been neglecting because you’re too caught up in what he’s doing and feeling? Try to focus on being there for yourself and taking care of your wounded heart because it doesn’t sound like he is doing much care in that realm for either of you. And at the end of the day you have to be able to self soothe if you’re going to be any good for yourself through these difficult times. Reading the material is great and recommended, but also try to find some things that are just for you, just to make you happy; not to try and fix him and your relationship.

Would love to hear more and please know that I am here for you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Krithika,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I understand how it can be confusing when someone tells you one thing but then is acting in another way. It sounds like you are attracted to this guy and so you are willing to have any kind of interaction with him that you can. Are you thinking that if you spend time with him he will become attracted to you eventually and you can have a relationship?

If I am coaching men, I do say that this can happen, because women are more attracted to a man’s personality and how he makes them feel. So often a man will meet a woman who just wants to be friends, and if they remain friends, eventually she might wind up becoming attracted to him and dating him. However, I have rarely seen this the other way around.

If you are spending time with a man who has said he’s not interested in you, you are losing time that you could be spending looking for another man who is, and who is going to give you the attention you deserve.

But it’s up to you. What do you want? Do you want a healthy and sustainable relationship with a man who adores you? Or do you want to wait around for a man who isn’t that into you with the hopes that he will eventually come around and see what you have to offer? Waiting for the latter could make you lose sight of the former…

What has your dating life been like so far? Have you been in a successful relationship?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kathleen,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing your story! We are happy that you are here and we look forward to helping you navigate the interesting world of dating that persnickety creature…men!

First off, I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve been divorced, or what your dating life has been like since, but congrats on getting out there! it can be difficult to put yourself out into the dating world if you’ve been out of it for awhile. And the, kudos on finding someone that you actually like and that likes you, and you have, what sounds like, a relatively stable situation, with perhaps some room for improvement.

From what you’re saying, it doesn’t really sound to me like he’s interested in someone else, besides himself and his own life. Which when it comes down to it, could be seen as a rather mature and secure person. How long has he been a bachelor? What was his marriage like? What was his divorce like? It sounds like he has a family, so how much time does he spend with them during the week? Does he have friends that he visits with during that time, or hobbies?

The fact could be that he, like many people of a certain age, is just very set in his routine. Weekdays are for work and early to bed, early to rise. Maybe he sees friends or his kids. Maybe not. Weekends are for fun and relaxation, and when he sees his special person who he can relax and have fun with. He has introduced you to his family, he considers you his woman, you are busy during the week as well, so likely in his mind, that’s all well and good and there’s nothing to worry about. Status quo is good. You are not out of sight, out of mind, you just are not part of his weekday routine.

It sounds like for you it’s ok…but you would like more connection. More words of affirmation, more integration into his life? You say that you don’t want to change the frequency, so what is it that you would like more of? And have you told him?

You not being a part of his weekday routine is not something that bothers him, and he probably is unaware that it bothers you. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care, it just may not be on his radar. Men can be thick-headed and they are not mind-readers. If you want more connection with him, you have to let him know. How he reacts is where the real truth lies. It might be as simple as asking him for a phone call a few nights a week, or asking if there’s a weekday night that you can have dinner together, that is if you are both able to have dinner together at the same time.

At this point it sounds like you haven’t given him the chance to meet your needs, and that’s not fair to either of you. Let him know what you’d like and see what his response is. That’s how you will know if you have a keeper that you can build with, or if it’s time to move on.

I’m also curious what your previous relationship life was like. It can be difficult to be alone when you’re used to being married, so I’m sure that’s an adjustment as well.

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Marilyn,

I’m so sorry that I missed this message! How are you doing?

I’m not sure what’s going on right now in your relationship, but the general sense that I am getting is that you are really thinking too much about what you’re saying to this person and obsessing over every word that comes out of your mouth.

Here’s the thing…in a long term, healthy and sustainable relationship, no one and nothing is perfect. If you have to try to make sure that you say the right thing or the person is going to get turned off and leave you, then they are not your person. Your person is someone that you will feel totally comfortable with to express your wants and needs. And if they care about you and want to be your person, they will do their very best to support you in your wants and needs, and you will do the same for them.

If you have to constantly be begging, and asking, and cajoling, and trying to figure out exactly how to converse with someone in order to get what you want from them, it is a recipe for disaster. Because that is exhausting!

The best relationships are the ones that are natural, where people are just being themselves and the pieces fit together.

It sounds like his way of being a partner is not really enough for you, and that’s ok. It just might mean that he’s not the one for you. As I mentioned before, it sounded like his way of being with you changed once he felt more secure in the relationship so you have to assume that however he is being now is how he truly is. And however he was being while he was courting you, was basically him just putting his best foot forward in order to reel you in. I’m sorry to have to tell you that but it’s likely the case.

Think of it like when you’re meeting a new friend. If the friend doesn’t want to hang out, then you probably move on from the friendship. It’s the same thing here. Don’t be so desperate to make it work. He is showing you his true colors and if those colors do not feel good to you, you have to have the strength to walk away and know that something better for you will come along.

how does that sound?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Marilyn,

How are things going? Just wanted to check in and see if there is an update in your situation.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

I’m sorry I missed you! I was meaning to write before your subscription cancelled but now it has already so I’m not sure if you will see this…

However I just wanted to wish you so much luck with everything and know that we are rooting for you here. If you ever need us again, we will be here for you.

Always wishing you nothing but the best now and always,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Natasha,

First off, please don’t beat yourself up! We all do things when we are feeling anxious to make ourselves feel better and you let yourself be vulnerable, which is actually a very brave thing. You weren’t satisfied with the wishy-washy unclear answers that he was giving you, so you went to his place and demanded clarity! If you look at it that way, you were actually beautifully assertive. You can spin it that you weren’t desperate, you are simply someone who values clear communication, and since he wasn’t providing that, you decided to be proactive and seek out the information that you were looking for. Because now you know and you can move on. See, that’s not so bad when you look at it that way!

From what you’ve said about this person, it just doesn’t seem that he is really that much of a catch anyway. He is confused about who he is and what he wants. He is not in integrity as he says one thing and does another. He has betrayed you and your trust, even as a friend and has also disrespected you as a professional colleague. He seems very immature. How old is he? So I’m wondering what it really is about him that makes you so intent on wanting to develop something with him.

I understand what you are saying about feeling like men are not interested in you because of your virginity and I’m sorry that you feel that way. You should not be ashamed of who you are and the choices that you’ve made. You don’t owe your body to anyone, and you do not have to do anything to prove to anyone that you are worthy of love or sex. I’m more than positive that if you wanted to, you could go out and have sex with 10 guys this week, but that’s not what’s important. You feeling valued, respected, and not only desired but desirous in the experience is of utmost importance. If a guy is turned off by you saying that you want to take things slow, then he is not worthy of you and your time. The right person is going to see you for all of the beauty that you have, and will want to be with you only in a way that feels 100% right and perfect. Anything else will just leave you feeling badly and we don’t want that for you!

Is virginity a common occurence amongst your peers? As mentioned, I’m not sure what part of the world you’re in and what the societal norms are, but here in the US where I am, most people are having sex very early, too early if you ask me! I’m wondering if you are an anomaly where you live or if it’s quite common for a woman to be a virgin at your age?

It sounds like there are some deep seeded issues for you in this realm, considering what you witnessed between your parents and how it’s affected you. I’m really sorry that you had to experience that and that it tainted your views on relationships. I’m here to tell you that things do not have to be that way and a healthy relationship where there is deep love, commitment, and respect is very possible.

That being said, it does sound to me like you might want to try and do some dating and see how that goes. Just get out and meet people and have fun! From what you’re telling me so far, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done a lot of that, and so you have a warped perception of what it’s like to be in a relationship, an intimate friendship, or even to really relate to men socially. Is that true? Am I reading that correctly?

If you don’t have much experience, then meeting someone and having a “connection” can feel so much more earth shattering than for someone who is meeting new people all the time because you don’t have anything to compare it to. All you know is that this person talked with you, flirted, made you feel good and sexy. But in reality, that is the baseline for what anyone who you meet up with should make you feel or you don’t keep seeing them. And if they lie, drop you for other women, treat you like crap in front of others, tease you and then run away, don’t return calls, etc, etc, then they are a colossal waste of time and you move on as soon as you see that kind of behaviour.

We need to help you develop some non-negotiables for dating. Like these are the rules of the game to play with you. Do you understand what I’m saying?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Natasha,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I totally understand how difficult it is when you so desperately want something to be a certain way, and can’t understand why it can’t be. All of the elements are seemingly there, everything could be perfect if only the other person would just do this, or not do that. But the thing is that you can’t make anyone do or feel anything that they don’t, or won’t.

There is a lot of info there and while I appreciate you sharing so much, I can tell you that what is happening here is rather simple. This man is a play boy who is used to getting what he wants from women. My assumption is that he is very attractive. he is obviously very promiscuous and sexually experienced. I have to be straight with you…this man does not want love, he does not want a relationship, he does not even want a simple girlfriend. He wants sex, he wants freedom, he wants to be wanted and sought after. He wants to pursue and get what he wants, and then move on to whatever is next. The last thing he wants is to be tied down with a sophisticated and beautiful woman like you.

He sees you as a friend and doesn’t want to hurt you, and honestly he is doing you a huge favor by not going any further with you. Do you know what he would do the moment after he had sex with you? He would retreat and you would likely never see him again. Because he would feel so guilty because he is nowhere near interested in what you are.

You are a virgin. Tell me more about that…are you waiting for marriage? Do you live someplace where that is the norm? It’s a little confusing because you sound ready to have casual sex with this man who has not proven to be anything more than an occasional sexy friend.

I don’t want to be too forward with you, but the truth is that you are very much disrespecting yourself by chasing after this man. You sound very desperate to be with him and I’m not seeing what he’s bringing to the table or giving to the situation. It sounds like you are attractive and intelligent. Wouldn’t you rather date and find a man who wants a relationship and is going to pursue you instead of make you chase him? As they say, if he wanted to, he would. And if he wanted to he wouldn’t be making all of these excuses. A man who desires a woman is not timid or skittish. He does not ignore you. You do not have to “win him over”. Why are you so desperately chasing this man? It sounds exhausting and I really don’t see what you are getting out of any of it.

What am I missing?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Marilyn,

Thank you for explaining more about the situation! While I understand that you don’t feel like he was love-bombing you, and maybe that’s not the most appropriate term, it does sound like he was at least putting his best put forward, and putting lots of energy into the relationship in order to “win” you. And while it is natural that the pursuit style of energy may die down once a man feels like he has you, it is not necessarily acceptable that he will now stop trying.

Because here’s the thing, what he’s doing now is showing you his true self. This is who he is now that he’s not trying to impress you. So this is going to be the man who you are getting for your foreseeable future, and if you’re not satisfied with this man and how he relates to you, you have to put an end to this behaviour now. You have to let him know how you want to be treated or he will just keeping being this way and thinking that it’s ok. And it’s not.

It’s important to be transparent in the beginning of a relationship with your wants and needs, and build a foundation of clear communication and easy connection. If you’re already not sure how to talk with him or how to get him to do what you want, then that is one of those red flags that I’m talking about.

You can understand that he’s very busy with his work, but if you are going to make a life with his man, maybe have a family, you want him to make sure that you are a priority. He needs to show you now how he will treat you when you’re closer, not hjust throw you on the back burner now that he feels more secure in the relationship and your desire to be with him. I understand that you said that he likes to lead the situation, but it’s important for you to have your needs met in a relationship, or what’s the point? So yes, it’s imperative that you tell him how you feel.

In terms of how, I always believe that honesty is the best policy, and also taking responsibility for your own feelings. So not coming to him with an idea of blame or that he’s doing anything wrong, but just telling him what you want and need from him in the situation. Being clear instead of saying something (like expressing gratitude) hoping that he will then step up is also very important.

You asked:
For right I need to show and assure him that it means a lot he goes with me to that place for a rental as I mentioned in my first message. Should I thank him for being there to help and that I appreciate his support to encourage him or should I ask him what day he can as he still hasn’t told me.

YES! You should do both those things. Tell him how much you appreciate his support AND let him know that you really need him to come with you for all of the reasons that you already told me. Let him know that you understand that he’s busy but you’re going away on this trip and that you need to make a plan.

If he is not willing to do this with you or responds poorly to your request, then you really have to question who he truly is. He may not be the person that he has appeared to you for these last few months. But it’s very important that you let him know now what you need and want in a relationship and see if he is able to provide that to you before getting too deeply invested into your relationship with him.

Please let me know if that helps!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Marilyn,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out with your question! It sounds like this is a new relationship so it can be difficult to figure things out when we don’t know someone that well. How long have you been dating?

What it seems like here is that you are very much looking to him to set the tone of the relationship, instead of letting him know what you want and need. Would you agree with that? If so, why would you say that’s happening?

I know that it can be tough to let someone know right off the bat what we want, as it might feel like it’s coming off as being bossy, but here’s the thing. You ARE the boss. You are the boss of your own life and you deserve to have your intimate relationships the way that you want them. If you want more time, more commitment, more communication, that’s ok. He may not be able to give you what you need, and that’s ok too. But it might mean that he’s not the one for you.

You said he came on strong in the beginning and to be honest, that’s a big red flag. When a man does that (they call it love bombing) whether it’s intentional or subconscious, it creates a dynamic where you feel like you have a deeper connection than you really do, and then you are more invested in something that really is too new to be that invested into. Does this sound familiar?

You said that “overall he’s really serious about a relationship”. What makes you think that? How do you know?

You’ve asked what to do, and what I would say is really get clear on what your non-negotiables are in a relationship and then let him know. I can help you figure those out if you like. It’s important to know these and stick to them or you will not be satisfied and happy in a relationship where things are so murky.

Make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Of course it’s wonderful for you to not pursue people who make you feel bad, and I would never recommend that you chase after anyone who is not reciprocating. My main advice in this particular situation is to try and change the thinking that somehow you are bothering her, and to apologize for doing so. Whether or not you pursue relationships with these people, it’s still not a bad idea to remember that YOU are worthy, and that you are doing nothing wrong by being friendly and kind to people. If they take offense, that’s on them, but just knowing that you are still being the bigger person could help you to feel better.

So that’s why I say approaching people with the assumptive energy that they want to connect with you is at least a good exercise in self worth if nothing else. Of course not being caught up in the outcome is easier said than done and it may feel like a waste of time to even do something like what I’m proposing, but if you can see it as a lesson in knowing your worth and approaching people with that knowledge front and center, maybe it becomes worthy in and of itself?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jadene,

Good for you for approaching her. What I’m saying to do beyond that is to hang in there, assume your value, and not apologize to her…what were you apologizing for? Sure she was talking with someone else, but why does that mean that you’re bothering her? Saying something like that is depicting yourself as low value, that you’re not as important as the other random woman, or any other person in there. What makes you so?

Like I said, you have to believe that she is DESPERATE to talk with you, or at least wants to, but is already involved in a conversation. There’s no reason you can’t go up and say hey, and just become a part of the conversation. If people don’t respond well to that, it’s on them as you’re in a public place where people have gathered to be social and meet others. So anyone who doesn’t know you that is not friendly to you, obviously has an issue. You have to keep reminding yourself that if someone is immediately rude to you, THEY have an issue. Sure it could be that they have “heard” something about you in that tiny town, but by being kind, friendly, and fun to spend time with, don’t you think you could easily prove them wrong?

xoxo
Spyce

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