[Coach Spyce]

Hi Valetta,

To me this sounds like the natural ebb and flow of the beginnings of a relationship. Unfortunately men are the hunter/gatherer kind of creature. They like to hunt, but once they have found & “killed their prey”, they tend to move on.
That’s why I always encourage people to take things slow when they first start dating someone. Get to know each other and build a connection.

Also if you are just giving up all of your time to be with someone, it can seem like you don’t have anything else going on in your life, and that becomes unattractive to a potential partner. For a healthy relationship, you want both parties to be bringing something interesting to the table. No one wants someone who has nothing else in their life besides the person that they jus met. He probably feels at this point like he knows everything about you, which I’m sure that he doesn’t.

But before you try so hard to re-engage him, I’d look more at who this person is and determine if you’re really that interested in him anyway.

What’a so great about him? Do you see a future with him? Why? Does he have the qualities that you’re looking for in a partner? If so, what are those?
He doesn’t sound super communicative or mature? Is that important to you?

It’s important to be clear on what you want before pursuing someone, as that will make the pursuit that much more fruitful! So I’d figure out more about what you’re actually looking for before putting in too much more energy.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

hi Cynthia,

Thanks for writing in to the forum! We are happy to have you here and hope to be able to offer you additional support during these tough times in your life, for your partner, and for you!

I’m really sorry to hear that your partner is ill, and that his cancer may have returned. It’s so difficult to get a repeat diagnosis when you’ve been doing well, and always having to check in about might must be so stressful. Having to go through significant testing and waiting around for results is the worst, and I can imagine you are both on the edge of your seats at all times.

So of course it must hurt that he is not wanting to share this experience with you, when you care so deeply and want to be there for him, and with him, by his side. But it makes sense, given his past history, that he would be nervous about letting you be too involved with his illness. He was rejected before by his wife who wasn’t there for him in sickness and in health, and I’m sure that he’s afraid to let you in for fear that the same thing will happen. It’s very difficult for someone to be sick and feel reliant on someone else, especially a man who may want to be the provider and the support in the relationship.

It also sounds like he’s seriously struggling with self esteem, and that likely comes from dealing with his illness as well. If he’s not able to be as active or vibrant as he wants, it may be hard for him to feel like he has anything to offer you, and he doesn’t want to drag you down. All of this is playing into why he is pulling away. I’m sure it has nothing to do with how he feels about you, but rather that he doesn’t want to be a burden.

So what you can do right now is just not take it personally, and keep contacting him. I don’t think that he wants you to stop or that by doing so that you are annoying him and/or pushing him away. I think your consistent contact is reassuring him that this time will be different, and maybe it can encourage him to trust in your desire to be with him, through thick and thin.

If it were me, I’d just keep sending him messages and leaving him voicemails. In it, I’d let him know that it’s ok if he doesn’t feel able to respond right now, you just want him to know that you’re there, and that you’ll be there. Also you can maybe say that you hope that he will let you in closer, and how you’d really like to be a part of his life, and his treatment, whatever that may be.

Only word of caution is this: are you certain that you do want to be with him through all of this? It can be a tough road, and it would be best if you decide before you get in too deep that you are up for challenge, and all that comes with it. I’m so sorry to have to say this, but you have to look realistically at the possibility that he might die and how you feel about that. Of course he could live for many years to come, and life has no guarantees for any of us. Love is definitely worth fighting for!

Let us know how things are going. We are rooting for you both!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

What a fun story! That’s really nice that you have made a connection with someone who has similar interests. It is of course difficult to exactly determine what someone’s story is from a few brief conversations, but of course more can come in time. And you are an excellent sleuth, and very observant! But still hard to say, right?
I mean, people can say “I’ even when they are partnered, and they can say “we”, and mean me and my cat, or me and offspring, or friend, or anyone! But I think that there are ways to have a casual conversation about seemingly random things and get information.
Let me know if you want any ideas!

I haven’t spent too much time in Canada, although I would love to. I have some Canadian friends who are the nicest people. And I do know that it’s very pretty up there. I actually grew up in upstate NY, so I know the climate at least on the East Coast. I didn’t live that far upstate, but my aunt lived on the Canadian border, so I got that experience.

I also know many people from BC, and now I live in the West Coast, so I know that climate as well! I’ve dreamed of moving up there, but it might be too much rain for me, and then there’s the pesky citizenship. Oh well! For now I can just look at my Canadian friend’s pictures and get an idea.

Hope things are going well!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I’m all ears for whatever, whenever!

Keep me posted 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the forum! So it depends on what you mean by too early…because here’s the thing. I believe in being open and clear about your wants and needs from the very beginning. if you are wanting a serious relationship, why are you hanging around with a guy who doesn’t? Thinking that he will come to his senses, or change his mind after getting to know you, is always a sad waiting game. It doesn’t work!

If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, I sure am not going to go out of my way to convince him that he does. I am going to move on and keep looking for someone who wants what I do.

So that’s my next question: What do you want? Do you want a relationship or do you want a flirtatious vibe?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Aw Michelle, I’m so sorry to hear that! I was really hoping that seeing you like that would push him a bit out of the grief and have him reach back out. But either way, I’m really glad that you did it! You are a really caring person and he is blessed to have someone who is so understanding in his life.

I think what scares me most is I know he’s a good person. To not acknowledge anything I’m doing with even a text really makes me worry. Does depression and grief really do this to people?

Yes AND that also doesn’t mean that it’s fair, or that you have to keep waiting around like this. At a certain point, whether he’s in grief or not, life continues, and the living are still here. If he focuses solely on the dead, the living will have to move on, because life is always moving. I know that you don’t want to move on, but you also can’t continually wait for a response from him.

How long has it been now? Have you heard from him at all?

I am a very assertive and nurturing person, and so for me, the final straw would be to just show up at his doorstep. He doesn’t sound so far like a person who would get mad about that, I hope. He can’t ignore you when you’re there. Well he can not come to the door but…

No need to feel like you’re being selfish, no matter what you feel. This is all difficult. You are human, and you can’t be asked to put someone else’s feelings above your own forever. There will come a point where he’s going to have to start engaging with you or you may have to move on. For now though, what do you think about the idea of going to see him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

You’re welcome! Hope to hear from you again soon 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Barbara,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your question! First off, I’d like to learn more about you, your past relationship experience, and what you are looking for in a relationship.

It would also be good to know more about your current love interest, his previous relationships, how you met, and where he is at in life.

I have to say one and a half months is an extremely short amount of time to know someone and expect them to have an answer about if they want to spend their life with you. I have eggs in my fridge older than your relationship! Why are you in such a rush?

And why are you wanting to go to couples therapy with someone that you barely know? That kind of situation is typically for couples who have been together a significant amount of time and want to work through some of the issues in their relationship. What issues do you have after 1.5 months? If you have the kind of issues that require professional help at this stage in the game, I’d say you might want to look at if you’re actually ready to be in a relationship. Because after such a short time, the issues would be more based on how you are entering a relationship with someone, not the relationship itself.

So these are a few things to think about! Let me know your thoughts 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, men are so strange, aren’t they?! Obviously he is still dedicated to keeping the connection alive with you, which is an admirable thing. It’s clear that you get along quite well and that he considers you a close friend.
Whether or not that closeness will turn inti something else remains to be seen…

But I think you are doing exactly everything right. You are focusing on your own life, your own health, your own well being. You are making strides in your life to get healthy, in body, mind, and soul. You are doing really well! And when the time comes when he is more ready to possibly go to a more intimate level with you, you are going to blow his mind!

But I just wouldn’t hang your hat on him. I know dating right now is difficult for everyone, but if something comes along, promise me that you will be open to it? Or at least get more clarity from him as to the reality of what he’s wanting from you. Because if you do encounter another connection and you let him know, his response will give you the answer that you’ve been looking for from him rather expediently I would imagine.

But for now, seems like you can just keep on doing what you’re doing, yes? As long as you are feeling good and well!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I totally understand! People these days (young people as well as all ages) do so much correspondence through text, which I personally find really unsavory. Text can never convey the same meaning as face to face conversations, or even anything voice based.

However technology isn’t all bad, and there are some other mediums that could potentially be helpful.

First off, have you asked point blank to talk on the phone? Can you say that it doesn’t have to be a long conversation, but you would just really like to check in with him?
I know that you don’t want to pressure hum, but being that he’s a caretaker type, maybe if you make it more about you than him, he will be more responsive?

If that’s totally not going to happen, my other recommendations would be to send voice messages. Perhaps the sound of your voice can awaken something in him?
If you both have Iphones, you can record a voice message right in the chat, and send it to him. You can also create voice memos/notes from most any phone, and then send it as an Mp3.

There are also other programs that you could use if you want to send him a little video. Of course you can do the same thing with a phone, but you can also use Loom, Quicktime, or Zoom to create a video of you just talking to him.

Maybe your son can help you out with some of this technology if you’re not sure how to use it.

Let me know how that sounds!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey lady,

Don’t worry about me! I’m here for you when you need me. Just wanting to check in and see how you’re doing.

Sorry to hear that your mom is ill. I really hope that she continues to improve! That’s really a stressful situation, but it sounds like you’re handling things well.

How wonderful that you’re taking better care of yourself! Treating your body well always permeates to the mind and creates a better sense of well being. I’m sire that all that you’re doing is going to keep you feeling better all the time!

Any word on the guy?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

Thank you so much for sharing more of your story. I really feel like I understand a lot more now as to how he is feeling. My assessment is that he is having an identity crisis right now, in quite a few ways.

Obviously he is absolutely a caretaker type, from how he treats his parents, and how he treats you. It makes him feel good to provide little gifts, acts of service, and that’s exactly how he shows his love.

He likes to be in control, a true alpha male. That’s apparent too from how he treats his body. He controls the things that he can in life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But the unfortunate truth is that there are only certain things in life that we can control, and death is the least controllable thing of all. He cared for his parents and did everything that he could for them, but the one thing he couldn’t do, was stop his mom from dying. Certainly that is devastating him.

It also sounds like he tries to be a positive person and see the bright side of life. He likes to make others laugh and feel good around him. The trouble is, that he can’t do that right now because he’s having a hard time accessing that part of his personality through the grief.

So basically, all of these parts of him that make up who he is and how he operates in the world, are not feeling accessible to him at the moment. So being around someone who he loves and that loves him, likely only makes him feel worse. Because he can’t be that supportive, optimistic, caretaker that you adore, and it kills him. He couldn’t save his mom, and it’s killing him too.

If he’s not so in touch with all of this that’s going on for him, it’s going to be much easier for him to disconnect and pull away than to really look at these patterns right now when he’s processing all these other deep emotions, and try to make changes.

But I don’t suggest that you wait forever. What I do suggest is this:
First off, acknowledge these emotions. As mentioned, he may not even realize that is what’s going on for him. You can do it in a really simple way.
Acknowledge how hard it is that he couldn’t save his mom.
Let him know that you understand that it must be difficult because he’s usually such a positive person. Let him know that you don’t need him to be positive for you. Encourage him to show you all of it, the bad and the ugly.

Sometimes simply speaking what’s unspoken can really help someone to unload, and can let him know that you understand where he’s coming from.
It’s not about waiting or not waiting, or being there for him whenever he needs you. He may not know what he needs. So maybe you need to give him what he can use without him asking for it. Oftentimes in grief that’s the case. We just don’t know what we need, but when someone comes to us with the right thing, we can relax into it.

I’m sorry to hear that your son had an experience like this. Again, what a great son! It’s an even further testament to the fact that he’s able to see this situation differently and not let the trigger of it color his opinion of what’s happening.
You both seem like very caring and kind people, and I really want to see this work out for you!

Please let me know if this is helping,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Caroline,

I just wanted to drop a line and see how things were going, and how what Heidi said landed with you. There is so much good wisdom in what she told you, and changing your perception of things will be really helpful.

I can tell from our conversations what an incredible person that you are, and I know how awful that can feel in and of itself. Because in some ways, you probably feel like you were punished for being this amazing girlfriend and partner, and that lands back on you. But that’s not true at all.

It’s his loss, I’ll say it time and again. And Heidi agrees. You are worth so much more than to be under appreciated because someone is not able to step up to the plate.

I do just want to point out one thing, and that’s really what I came here to say that wasn’t said so eloquently above, and that’s this: You are in a state of grief. This is a loss, and it’s ok to feel that fully. Also, it’s a sudden loss, and those are some of the worst. One minute you are bopping along, everything’s good, you’re going to move in together, and then suddenly you’re blindsided with someone’s pent up emotions telling you that all of the good things you’ve been doing for them over the years is somehow negated and unseen, just not appreciated. Somehow, you’re the bad guy, after you’ve done so much to be the absolute best. It can be such a devastating blow.

And by god, it’s not fair. Because why couldn’t they just come talk with you before letting it get to this point? If they really cared about you, they would have pushed past whatever was getting in the way and just be honest with you. Not let the relationship die off as opposed to just communicating.

But unfortunately I’ve come to learn that some people are just not able to have those conversations because they are not up to speed within themselves. He is not in touch with those emotions. He’s not a mature communicator. He’s not willing to face his demons, at least not yet.

And that brings me to the other thing that I wanted to say. Not that I ever want you to wait around for him or any man to change, but I do think that it’s ok to want closure. Not now, and not soon, but I think someday that you can get it. Someday, you might even be friends again. Someday you might be able to have a good connection with him. You will have outgrown him by that time, but you will be able to look back and appreciate the good times that you have.

How do I know this? I don’t. But it’s just a feeling I have. I know that good things are going to come to you, Caroline. I’d bet on it!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Michelle,

It is heartbreaking for sure when you really want some acknowledgement from someone and they are not able to give that to you. It also hurts because you’ve been having a lot of stress with your own parents, and he’s been there for you during that. It must really be difficult that he’s not able to be a supportive figure in your life presently.

It sounds like you’ve really been building a strong foundation in the last while (years? months?) and I understand how devastating it is to have that ripped out from under you with his loss. It’s like the loss of his mom has created a huge loss for you as well, of him. It’s very difficult and I feel for you.

You must have been a good mom to raise an astute and caring young man who is there for you during the tough time, so kudos on that! And I do agree with your son that your relationship isn’t over.

But it can feel very bad to continue to wait for a sign from him, and it also may feel like he’s just not making you a priority. He may not actually realize this is what he is doing. To be fair, in most situations I would not give a man so much leeway, but because he’s in a state of grief, I am encouraging you to be more patient.

I’m also wondering about him as a person. Is he a caretaker type? How communicative and/or open with his emotions is he? Is he able to talk about what he feels, or is he more the type that thinks that “real men don’t cry”? The way that he is as an emotional being could also play a lot into how much he is willing to connect with you when he’s in this state. He might feel shameful, or that he has nothing to give and doesn’t want to be a burden.

Knowing more about who he is and how he operates will inform us of the best way to approach it. He could be feeling relief that you’re not reaching out to him, or he could be feeling sadness.

I’d like to learn more about him so I can get a better sense of how to move forward in a way that’s going to yield some healing results for the two of you.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Ah I’m sorry, and I can really relate, specifically right now. I am in a very similar situation not with a romantic partner, but with my long time best friend who is like family. It’s really hard to support someone in their grief when you are grieving as well, and when the grief takes them away from you. I have also lost my own parents, so I fully understand that kind of grief.

I’m also wondering about the circumstances of his parent’s death. Was it sudden or were they ill for a long time? Did he have a good relationship with them, or were there complicated feelings there? All of that plays into the emotions that come after.

I just think that the best thing that you can do is send him consistent reminders that you’re thinking about him and that you’re there to connect whenever he is. I wouldn’t ask him too many questions, or say too many things that he would feel the need to respond to. Many times when you’re embroiled in grief it’s just way too hard to even have the normal level of care for another person, and even a basic response might feel like too much.
But don’t take it personally. It’s not. Losing someone that you care about is one of the hardest things as humans we have to deal with.

In terms of the dynamics of the relationship, how long have you been with your boyfriend? How is your connection in general? Are there any other issues that you’ve been dealing with?

Here for you as you navigate,
Spyce

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