[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Hope your week is going ok! Are things shifting at all?

I am trying to get to a place where I know he is dealing with his stuff and it likely has little to do with me

How is that process going? Any new breakthroughs in that area? It’s certainly painful to be waiting on someone’s call, so I hope that you are able to let go of that longing soon. It doesn’t do you any good to be hanging on with the hope that he’s going to come around. As you said, you need a man that you don’t have to chase. That’s tiring at any age, but especially the older we get. He should realize by his point that if he’s not going to do the work, he will end up alone. He can’t continue to blame it all on the other party. He’s not doing his part, and while that’s sad, you need to take care of you.

I know that you feel like he gave you so much when he was on, and while that’s great, you have to be able to use that as a springboard to take you to the next level. It’s not about him, it’s about you and what you want and deserve in a relationship. He didn’t do anything special I’m sure. You can have that with someone who is ready and able to be that person all the time, not just when they feel like it. Is hat really who he is anyway? Not likely if he can’t sustain it.

Thanks for telling me more about his life, and it doesn’t sound shocking from everything else that you mentioned. Sure he has regret from not being more involved in his daughters’ lives, but perhaps he didn’t reach out enough to them and really show them that they were priorities? You reap what you sow…

I’m actually more interested in hearing more about your life before him. What have your relationships been like over the course of your life? You seem like a very loving person. I can’t imagine that you haven’t felt this way about other men…

Now back to present day…
My choices right now seem to come down to moving forward on my own and just seeing what happens or pushing the envelope more by driving out to see him but he may not even be around if I do.

What is your heart telling you is best in this situation? What is your head telling you? What does your body have to say? It’s interesting to look at all of those parts of yourself before making a decision.
What does it cost to go either way? In the short term, long term? And how much of that cost is worth it to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Hope your week is going ok! Are things shifting at all?

I am trying to get to a place where I know he is dealing with his stuff and it likely has little to do with me

How is that process going? Any new breakthroughs in that area? It’s certainly painful to be waiting on someone’s call, so I hope that you are able to let go of that longing soon. It doesn’t do you any good to be hanging on with the hope that he’s going to come around. As you said, you need a man that you don’t have to chase. That’s tiring at any age, but especially the older we get. He should realize by his point that if he’s not going to do the work, he will end up alone. He can’t continue to blame it all on the other party. He’s not doing his part, and while that’s sad, you need to take care of you.

I know that you feel like he gave you so much when he was on, and while that’s great, you have to be able to use that as a springboard to take you to the next level. It’s not about him, it’s about you and what you want and deserve in a relationship. He didn’t do anything special I’m sure. You can have that with someone who is ready and able to be that person all the time, not just when they feel like it. Is hat really who he is anyway? Not likely if he can’t sustain it.

Thanks for telling me more about his life, and it doesn’t sound shocking from everything else that you mentioned. Sure he has regret from not being more involved in his daughters’ lives, but perhaps he didn’t reach out enough to them and really show them that they were priorities? You reap what you sow…

I’m actually more interested in hearing more about your life before him. What have your relationships been like over the course of your life? You seem like a very loving person. I can’t imagine that you haven’t felt this way about other men…

Now back to present day…
My choices right now seem to come down to moving forward on my own and just seeing what happens or pushing the envelope more by driving out to see him but he may not even be around if I do.

What is your heart telling you is best in this situation? What is your head telling you? What does your body have to say? It’s interesting to look at all of those parts of yourself before making a decision.
What does it cost to go either way? In the short term, long term? And how much of that cost is worth it to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

How are things going? I’m sure it shifts daily, but hopefully things continue to get easier…

It still seems like you are blaming yourself for parts of this, thinking that if you did things differently then he would have reacted differently and that somehow you could have saved this. Saved him, saved the relationship, changed him, made him better. Am I right in thinking that you feel this way?

You are a caretaker, and someone who has helped a lot of people in this life. I’m sure that’s one of your love languages. It makes you feel good to be able to know that you made a difference in someone’s life. I understand that well, as I am similar. It’s been so difficult over the years to have to let go of people that I love and leave them to make their own mistakes, and not save them from creating more trauma in their lives. It’s painful when you feel like you have the solution, right there in your hand, and you could help them so much, if only they will open up to receiving that help. It’s awful when you see such potential that could be recognized if only…but that’s where it stops. Because potential is unfortunately not reality. It’s only fantasy.But seeing that potential go to waste in people that we love is one of the most devastating parts of the human experience. I know that feeling all too well.

At a certain point though, we have to seperate ourselves from the potential that we so desperately see in someone, and the reality of what that person is doing in their life. I’m so sorry that he can’t access that part of himself that can open up to you, and I ache for you that you are left missing the joy that he was bringing to your life. I know that you said that maybe he would have talked to you more if you had been less focused on him, and the way that I agree with that is in this instance, and what I mentioned before. I do wonder if he knew how much his actions were hurting you, would he be able to pull himself out of his pain to care for your needs? Hard to say. And I wouldn’t want you to try that tactic and see it as a rejection of you, when nothing here indicates that he feels anything less than complete love and admiration for you, and utter fear and defeat within himself.

Anyway, these are the thoughts that I’m having today about your situation. Let me know how you’re doing with everything. I’m always here to lend an ear and be of service to you.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Thanks for sharing he qualities that make you good at your job. It’s not surprising that given those qualities you are quite popular there! However I would disagree that those same qualities can’t be transferred to a dating scenario.

The interchangeability of the work qualities in a more personal setting is based on how you make people feel. People feel good around you. They trust you, they admire you, they know that you are there for them and will do what you say that you will. You have a nice and caring personality, and you’re enjoyable to be around. All of those things translate quite well to the dating world.

You mention that you don’t appear “needy” at work, and I take it that you are under the impression that the only way to have a successful partnership is to appear like you need someone? I don’t think that’s the case.

In a healthy relationship, people prefer to be wanted, rather than needed. Who would want to be with someone where they felt like the other person would collapse if not with them? It leads one to think that they are only together out of need, and not desire, which is no fun.
Obviously you are doing great on your own, but of course it would enhance your life to have someone to share things with.

It’s not about being needy, it’s about being open, and being vulnerable. These are not the same things. Needy comes from what I mentioned above…I can’t live without you, my world would fall apart without you. Being open is…I am available to connect with someone on a deeper level.
Vulnerability takes that openness to the next level…I want to cbe in a relationship with someone, and here are the reasons why it hasn’t happened so far.

Do you see how this is different? How do you feel like you come off to people, and how do you think that could be improved in any of these realms?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Hollie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story, however “messed up” it might be! And don’t worry about that at all. We have heard all kinds of things. Life is messy, and we are all human. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes.

So before I answer, I do want to be honest with you that we are the kind of coaches here that say it like it is. We are certainly kind and compassionate, very supportive and caring, but we also don’t believe in just telling people what they want to hear. To me, that’s not kind or compassionate. So honesty is absolutely the best policy. Please remember that with what I’m going to say.

I want to congratulate you for getting out of your 18 year marriage. That’s no small feat! Alcoholism is a tough road to go down with someone. I know that from professional as well as personal experience. Getting out of that situation is huge, and something to really be proud of.

It doesn’t sound like you really gave yourself anytime to heal from that though before embarking on something another journey that frankly sounds incredibly toxic, and where you were not respected, cherished, or loved the way that everyone in a committed relationship deserves. Why is that? Why did you choose to go right from a marriage to an addict into another marriage with a man who was cold, closed off, and lied to you?

Now you are messaging about a 3rd man, who you haven’t actually met in person, but are already calling “my man”. This is concerning.  

What about you? Who are you? What do you want? What are you looking for in a partner? What is a dealbreaker for you? There has to be more here than just wondering if someone will like you because of your habits. You have to be able to see if the people that you’re connecting with are a good match for you, before you worry about how they feel about you. Do you see what I’m saying?

You sound like a passionate and caring woman who lives life by the seat of her pants and gives her all to things, maybe sometimes before they’ve proven that they deserve anything from you, let alone your all. It’s wonderful to be passionate and want to enjoy life, god knows it’s short enough as it is! But if you want to have successful relationships, you have to slow down and not only get to know the other person, but first really get to know yourself.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Aw thank you! I’m so glad that you find comfort in my words. I truly mean them so I’m sure that helps. I can also tell that you have a very similar level of sensitivity, and it makes sense that you spent so many years supporting young people. I’m sure hat you were a wonderful guide and mentor, and that you helped a lot of people for many years to come. So often young people have no one to talk to, and no one hat they feel like understands. What a beautiful service you provided them with all those years. You truly are a very special person.

And that’s why, I have no doubt that this man is not the only man that you could love like this. Because the love is in you, you are the one emanating it from you. As you are obviously well aware, people come into our lives to teach us lessons about ourselves, and they are sometimes not meant to be more than just that lesson. So even though as you mentioned, this is very raw for you right now, and difficult to acknowledge that, perhaps there is a layer of truth in that.

Being with Brian helped you to recognize what you want in a partner, for the times that he could give that. But you don’t want that just part time, and you deserve to have that all the time, from someone who is fully healed enough to be able to meet you there, on the level where you can go. I know right now you want him to make it happen, to stand up and be the person that you believe he can, but that jus may not be available to him. But it doesn’t mean that it’s not available to you. I truly believe that you can have the kind of relationship that you had with him with someone who will meet you, and be met by you.

Fow now though, you’re doing all the right things. You are powerful, you are blessed, you are kind, you are loved.

Do you have some friends or loved ones to be with on the holidays and/or the coming weeks as you navigate your emotions? I’m rooting for you, and always just a message away!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Vera,

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going. We never heard back from you!

Let us know if we can help 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry if anything I brought up feels painful to discuss or think on. You are obviously a very intelligent and deep thinking person and I have utmost faith in your decision making in this situation. I fully support you doing exactly what feels right to you and I understand where you’re coming from with all of this.

Of course having a discussion like I or your therapist recommended is difficult to do when he’s not responding to anything right now. And yes, I’m sure that you are right in saying that to ask for any kind of confirmation either way right now could feel like an ultimatum and may back him into a defensive space of just ending it all totally. Yes, you would get closure, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the most imperative thing for you right now, and I respect that.

At some point, you may need to make a decision if what he can give is enough, as it doesn’t sound like you have faith that he will ever be able to give more. Maybe that’s enough for you, maybe it’s not. Maybe as you grow and heal in your own life, things will shift in that arena as well.

But for now, I agree that your best plan is to just focus on your growth and healing, and develop deep self care practices. Become stronger in who you are and what you want in life, so that way when he does come around, or even if he doesn’t, you will be equipped to handle whatever life is throwing at you.

In the meantime, know that we are here for you, and please do keep in touch!

Best wishes,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

How are you? Getting closer to holiday time, you must be happy about that! Glad to hear that things are going well in your work life. That’s a good thing! And yes, I think that there is actually a way to transfer some of that to your personal life, if nothing else than with the attitude of it all.
I mean, why is it that people like you so much at work? What are some of the unique qualities that you bring to the workplace? I’m sure that many of those skills and traits that are transferrable into your personal connections. It seems that you’re very likeable, helpful, nurturing, etc. You have many amazing characteristics that make you a fantastic partner, and I think we all know what the issue is with why you’re not finding someone.

Really it comes down to location. You’re not living where you want to be. How can you find someone there if that’s where you want to be? You have one foot out the door, and then when you’re back where you want to be, you know you have to leave again shortly. So realistically, you are not actually open to dating, despite you thinking that you are. That’s my assessment!

In terms of all of the “old men matches”, I will keep on saying it….date younger! You’re vibrant and active, no matter what your age is. Dating a man 10 years younger is going to be a much better fit for you. You will share more interests, activities, energy levels, and more. No one is saying that you need to date a man your age or older, are they? You are the creator of your own destiny, a woman in her power. You do you, however you feel inclined to do so!

I’m sure that will bring in more positive results 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Thanks for sharing more. It does sound like he definitely has avoidant tendencies that have gone into overdrive with the illness potentially coming back into his life, and all the challenges that we’ve been discussing related to that. As you mentioned, he’s not actively working on any of that, and unfortunately it seems like his current state is not inspiring him to try and work more towards healing and opening up to the beautiful situation that he could be exploring with you, but rather he is pulling more inward, and letting his fear and trauma take over. ​

It’s often the case with avoidant men that they come on strong in the beginning, and they really think that they can change, and that this time will be different, that they will be more open, that they are learning and growing. But of course, a setback further exacerbates the situation, so even if he was thinking that he could change, and would if he was given enough time with someone like you who wanted to be in it for the long haul with him, this added layer of strife is not helping.

I do agree that he cares for you, and that none of this is at all indicative of your worth or benefit to him, but as you know, he has to do the work. He can’t only say that he has to do better, he has to actually do better, or else he will lose you. I don’t think that he wants that so maybe now is the time for the “come to Jesus” moment.

Now just to be clear, it’s not about giving ultimatums because I don’t really believe in those, but it is about speaking up for your wants and needs, and letting someone know plain and simple, that if they want your love and support, this is what needs to happen.
You have been very kind and compassionate, patient and caring. You don’t have to continue to be out there, just waiting for him to decide that he’s ready to reach out. You deserve the opportunity to move on with your life if he’s unwilling to make the positive changes yha he needs to in order to open up to you.

So I would say something to him expressing where you’re at and what you need. And let him know that if he can’t do that, it’s ok, but that you will need to move on from your connection with him.
You can still be kind, and make sure to let him know that you’re not leaving him, he’s leaving you.
Maybe this will get through to him.

If not, it’s time to walk away. But maybe giving him this one last chance to do things differently this time around will help.

Thoughts?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for writing and letting us know how things are going in your world! It sounds like it’s been difficult because Matt is still not willing to explore things with you, bu its positive that he is communicating with you, as well as considering therapy.

As much as I would never advise you to wait around on anyway, I do understand that you are still hoping that something will come of all of this, and you still have hope that you can work things out. I’m wondering if you communicated any of this at all to him recently?

I’m also wondering if it might make sense to ask him point blank what he wants as he sounds pretty confused. I mean, why is he still contacting you? It sounds to me like he does care. But he needs to figure it out because there’s no reason for you to be kept in limbo.

So I’d reach out and see if you can set up a time to meet and talk in person, as it’s been a little bit now. And then I’d make a few key points.

1. You care about him, miss him, and know that the 2 of you had really great potential for a wonderful, long term relationship.
2. You understand that he has some issues to work through, and you would like to see him addressing those so he can have a happy life.
3. You would like to support him, but you will only wait so long. It’s not fair to you. You are ready for a real relationship, and if he isn’t able to be there with you, you will open yourself up to meet someone who is.

Hopefully some of these talking points can be a good place to initiate a dialogue that can bring about some healing. I always believe in honesty and transparency. Life is short and we have nothing to gain and everything to lose by being coy and not letting others know our true feelings. Yes, it can sometimes hurt to express something when the other person doesn’t reciprocate in kind, but you never know until you try.

And as long as you know within yourself that you are good and deserving of love, there are no limits on what you can do!

Keep me in the loop,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

So I just wanted to respond to what you said about I just wish I had better peace knowing for sure what was happening with him.

Now obviously I’m not him, so this is technically conjecture but to me it seems very obvious what is going on here.
He’s afraid, terrified in fact. He’s afraid of being ill and not being the caring provider that he’s has been. He’s afraid of not being fun, or lighthearted. He’s terrified of being weak, and having to rely on someone else. He’s afraid of rejection, opening his heart to someone and being left if things get really bad. He’s afraid of losing who he is to his sickness, and to share that with someone…well that’s enough to leave someone panic stricken, which it sounds like he is.

So there are a good bunch of reasons why he is cutting you out. None of them have anything to do with you personally, or what a good person and girlfriend you are, or what a loving support you could be for him. These all have to do with him.

But there is something that I was wondering…it sounds like you’ve said that he did the same thing last year when he went to Florida. is that true? And he wasn’t sick at that time? If that’s the case, it’s indicative of an even larger problem than just that he’s sick and not able to open up. It means that regardless of what’s happening in his life, at a certain point he’s going to retreat. If that’s the case, then we can’t cut him too much slack around his illness, we have to look at the reality of who he is, sick or healthy.

Because if that man is someone who will just pull away whenever he feels like it, then you really have to examine if that’s who you want in your life, and if you want to spend time getting close to someone who will abandon you at the drop of a hat whenever they feel like it. It doesn’t sound like a good match for a healthy relationship either way.

But as I said, I’m not 100% sure that is the case, so please fill me in before I go off on too much of a tangent 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

How are things going? I want to check in with you and see how your healing process is going…I know that it’s so difficult to let someone go, especially when it seems like there is no reason for it, and it’s purely based on the other person not being able to give up their fear and give in to the possibilities. To be honest, I don’t think that there’s any right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a very personal thing and is based on what is going to help you in the process.

I am personally very woo, and so like to ritualize experiences as much as possible, and that helps me to heal and move on. So even if you can’t talk with him directly, I would do a ritual of some kind with the pictures, where you said all of he things that you’d want to say to him, and then maybe pack them away. I’m not a fan of burning things, because sometimes pictures are all that you have left and memories are too precious to me, but putting them out of sight, but with having some kind of release first, feels good to me. Does that resonate?

I also like the concept behind the video that you’re talking about, it appeals to my masculine side, lol! It’s very rational and head based, not very heart centric. But sometimes that’s what you need. Being able to look at the reality of something as opposed to just the fantasy that we’ve created around it can be very helpful. I always think big and focus on what could be, or could have been, and I’m always reminded to look at what is, or was. It is a useful tactic for sure.

As long as you allow yourself the emotion of it all, and don’t be afraid to let yourself have as many good cries as you need to, I’m all for it! And for whatever works, as I said from the beginning.

Whatever happens, we are here to support you, and send you love and care for your tender heart.
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Vera,

Thanks for your question and welcome to the forum! Yes, it is often the case that when people have sex early on in the relationship, it creates an intimacy that is not yet there, because you don’t really know the person. And since you don’t know them that well, it makes sense that they are not ready for “the next step”. And I’m assuming the next step is a committed and monogamous relationship?

Either way, it sounds like the two of you are remaining in contact and getting to know each other, which is essentially the real next step after jumping into a sexual situation. The more time you take in getting acquainted, the more of a solid foundation you will build, and be able to determine if you are meant for a long term relationship with each other.

While you are talking everyday, are you still meeting in person and having great sex? Are you seeing other people? Is he?

Look forward to hearing more!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Yi,

Glad to hear that Heidi’s points touched you! She is rather insightful 😀

While it’s understandable that someone would be upset about having an STD,it’s definitely not something that you should feel too bad about.
BV is not even considered a sexually transmitted disease but is something that can come from having sex, mostly just because of the imbalance of bacteria in the vagina, which gets disrupted by sexual intercourse. So if we look at it that way, he actually could have been the cause of you having BV, not the other way around!

But at this point, it’s not as important as who gave it to who, as to how it is handled from here on out. While I wouldn’t say that he’s a bad person or that his response indicates a huge, bright red flag, it definitely would be a yellow at best in my mind, and seems indicative of someone who is not extremely mature or in touch with their feelings.

That’s also obvious from the conversation regarding his ex. To say that he’s not jealous but he just walked away when he heard that she cheated, is blaringly off. If you weren’t jealous, why not communicate with the person that you’ve been dating? Why would you just break up? That seems to say that he was so devastated by it that he couldn’t even bring himself to see her or have anything to do with her. It doesn’t sound like someone who is not jealous to me…what do you think?

Anyway, all of this points to him not being very emotionally mature, and how will he respond when you run into other challenges? Sounds like he will run away. He’s basically hanging on by a thread with the BV thing. Maybe because there’s something that he’s not telling you? You said that you haven’t slept with anyone else, but how do you know what he’s been up to?

It feels like there is something hat he’s not telling you, and he just doesn’t seem like someone who knows how to be upfront with his feelings. More than anything, that’s the red flag that’s calling out to me!

xoxo
Spyce

[Author]

Posts