[Coach Spyce]

Hi Maria,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It’s always so difficult when you are certain of something with someone and then it feels like it changes without warning, and the person won’t tell you why or what’s happening. I’m sorry to hear that! Hopefully we can help you make some sense out of all of this!

But first, I have a few questions to clarify.
Dating a guy off and for 3 years now.
Can you talk more about why it’s been on and off? What makes it go off and what makes it come back on again?

We’ve had sex a few times.
Only a few times in 3 years?? That doesn’t seem like the actions of people in a committed and monogamous serious relationship…

HE finally asked me to be his “lady”.
What did that mean to you? How did it change the relationship?

There are quite a few other questions popping up but let’s start there!

Look forward to hearing more,
xoxo
Spyce

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Coach Spyce.

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Well the good news is that you are an intelligent, deep thinking, compassionate and caring. sovereign woman. You are in touch with your emotions, and you’re highly emotionally mature. You know how o handle relationships and life with grace, and even though it may not always feel that way internally, with ease. So you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do, and I have faith that you will be ok and you will come out ok. Really, your positive outlook on life is remarkable and admirable. Anyone who is lucky enough to be loved by you is blessed, and I hope that Brian, and anyone else who is fortunate enough to be in your inner circle, will appreciate just how much you bring to the table because I tell you, it is rare.

That being said, I have utmost trust in your process and I agree that you don’t have to let go until you want to. As I’ve mentioned about the cost of doing business…Nothing in life is totally free and without risk. Everything has some level of determining factor where we decide how we want to proceed in any given situation. Most things are just not so cut and dry, as you know. Right now, the thought of not having Brian in your life in whatever capacity that he shows up feels like it would cost too much. So hold on, as long as it feels that way. You don’t have to make any decision right now except to live in the moment with what is, which it sounds like you’re doing splendidly at.

I do just want to remind you though of one word, and that’s YET. To elaborate, you’ve said: None of them were as sweet with me – none of them. None of them were consistently so playful with me.
And I just want to say…YET. Because I do believe that you can call that energy in, you can create it, I’m quite certain that you can bring it out in people. Maybe you hadn’t until Brian, yet. And I agree that it takes a certain kind of chemistry to create that kind of connection, but I am certain that it can happen again, whether with Brian or someone else. I know you know this in your heart and agree.

Whatever happens, I know that you will be ok, and that you will be loved and cherished. I see that for you, and I’m not letting go of that vision. I’ll keep on holding it, and will be here championing you along the way!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ashely,

Thanks for sharing more about your story, it does make more sense now and gives more context with things.

So it sounds like your ex has a lot of work that he needs to do on himself to become a competent man and a real grown up. He is obviously very caught up in doing what his family tells him, and he lacks not only the ability to know what to say, but also the confidence to speak his mind. It seems like this is something that he does no only with his family, but also with you and probably in most every aspect of his life. He is afraid of offend or upset, so he will only say the nice thing, or he won’t say anything at all. But that kind of behaviour doesn’t help anyone because really all that anyone wants and needs is the truth.

I’m sorry that his family has treated you that way and took your comment out of context in order to demonize you. It sounds like there is more to it than that, and for whatever reason, they don’t feel like you are “right”for him, and they don’t want you in his life. You mentioned a cultural divide. Could that be part of it? If they are very strongly invested in their cultural identity, perhaps hey only want him to date someone who is also of that particular culture?

Or if he’s the kind of person who doesn’t often speak his mind and has strong willed family members, especially women, it’s common that those women will be very protective of the men in their family, and not want to have another woman’s influence involved in the situation. It’s sad but true. And until he gets strong enough to stand up for himself and what he wants, any woman that he dates is going to be see as a threat, and get thrown under the bus by the headstrong women in his family. That’s no way to have a healthy relationship.

So to be honest, I agree with him that he is in no place to date anyone until he does the necessary work on himself and gets strong and confident enough in himself to stand up to his family and whoever else in his life that he’s not being honest with, including himself and possibly you. he will not make a good partner for anyone until he able to do that. you’ve experienced first hand how his lack of confidence and not making you a priority was really painful and even though it didn’t end the relationship, it probably should have.

Which brings me to the question, why didn’t it end at that point? I know that you say hat you love him, but what does that really mean to you? What does someone bring to the table for you to feel like this is a situation where you feel loved and cherished? has he done any of that? what does he do to ensure that you feel the love returning back to you?

These are important things to consider if you’re thinking about waiting for him in any capacity. We really need to determine if he’s worth waiting for…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Abbey,

I guess the question would be…why do you want to contact a guy who told you not to? What are you trying to get from this relationship if the other person is so opposed to being connected with you? Is contacting him really you living to your highest and best good?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I hope that things shifted for you this weekend and you were able to get out of the depressive funk! I know how awful it can feel when you work so much, and then you have a whole day open before you to do anything you’d like, and you can’t think of anything that you want to do! I know you’re resourceful though, so I have faith that you conjured up something that lifted your spirits!

I’m sorry to hear about the stress from the move. As someone who has done a lot of rentals and such I will tell you this…people will agree to a lot more before they get what they want! So I’d use this time before the deal goes through to get what YOU want! Yes you may not like the apartment but obviously it’s a great fit for Jen, and it’s a good deal, so I’m sure that she’s happy about it. That being said, you have to recognize that you’re doing her a favor by giving her this place! So while that’s the case, ask for what you want. Tell her that she can have the place, but only if she pays you the pro-rated month, and also only if she takes over the lease. It’s ok for you to have the lease agreement as a dealbreaker. I wouldn’t sublease with her as that is putting the liability on you as you know. You don’t need that pressure or responsibility. You also don’t need to feel bad for the property owner. It’s not your problem if he wants to sell or whatnot. Being a landlord is a risk that you take on when you own a rental property. It’s not the tenant’s responsibility. Stop taking on issues that aren’t yours to solve! You don’t have to be everyone’s saviour…

Hope that you were able to get in touch with Trav. Isn’t he living with your other son? Couldn’t you contact him if you’re worried and make sure that he’s ok?

In terms of work, just keep doing what you’re doing! Once again, none of this is your fault and you don’t have to take on other people’s deficiencies.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Hope you’ve had a good weekend, and thanks for keeping me updated! That’s nice that you’re in New York! I say that because I am from NY, although I live in California now. But I was born in Queens, grew up in the Hudson Valley, and have family all over the state. While I do love living on the West Coast, I will never NOT be a NYer! You can take the girl out of New York but…I’m sure you know the rest!

So back to your life now! First off, I want you to know that I fully understand that life is short, and deep connections can be rare and need to be cherished. I am a firm believer in living each experience to its fullest, and a life without the intense joys and pain of it all is boring and significantly less meaningful than something easy and flat. So I can absolutely relate to you wanting to savor and relish in whatever Brian will give, even if it means settling for less than what you really want and deserve. Life, and love, is full of compromise.

However, as we talked about before, there is a cost associated with all of this, and only you can determine if it’s worth it to you and for how long. I understand that there is love, care, fun, and laughter there, and that feels vibrant to you. But…(here it is) do you want more than the occasional, non committal attachment that you have to work so hard for? Is being on a string waiting around for the scraps that he will drop off when you chase after him enough to keep you satiated?

I worry about your mental health through all of this, and your own feelings of self worth and abandonment. It can’t feel good to tell someone that you’re in love with them and have them not return the sentiment. Sure we can chalk it up to his own issues and rely on our knowledge that he’s scared and not capable of letting go to love, and if he was going to love anyone that would be you, but there’s still so much conjecture in there that doesn’t equate to him actually doing the things that would make him a decent partner for you. Meanwhile you are doing all of the things that an excellent partner does for him, with nothing to really show for it.

Because I have to say (and I hope that you know I am saying all of this from a place of love and care for you), everything that he is doing screams someone who is not available for a deep, committed, healthy, long term relationship. He’s not making you a priority in his life. He has his brother, the kids, the cars, his house, his health, etc, and you have to take a back seat to all of that. Meanwhile, you have your own stresses going on with your beloved pet being sick, and your loneliness over the holidays, but he is not there for you one bit in any of it. It’s just really unfair and it’s difficult to sit with and be ok with that for me without feeling upset for you.

I appreciate that you are willing to look at your own triggers in all of this, and recognize that you are in charge of your own happiness and joy, and that you are working diligently to cultivate that in yourself, and as mentioned, I am not suggesting that you give up anything or one that’s bringing you that in any form, but I do just want you to keep an eye on the price that you are paying to get what you want from him, or feel that you need and can’t get anywhere else.

I am also a real estate agent, and I work with investors who talk about their ROI, return on investment. Of course with matters of the heart we are not as cut and dry, but there is some value at looking at things in this way because everything does have a cost to us in some way. I just want to ensure that your heart and soul are being kept solvent, and that you don’t become emotionally bankrupt throughout this process. It feels to me like a lot of work for little return. But to be fair, it really doesn’t matter what I think, it matters how it feels to you.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda

How’s it going? I think we’re onto something here…between the drinking, the vegetarianism, and what the co-workers might see as a good girl attitude, they are likely just afraid of being judged, even if they don’t actually realize that’s what’s going on.

Now I’m not suggesting that you change yourself for anyone at all, but maybe there are ways that you can connect as your truest self, and find things that you have in common to bond with people over.

However at the end of he day, you have to determine if these are really your people. They may not be. And we know that while you’re lonely there, hopefully your time is finite.

Also wondering, I’m not sure how these kinds of things are going these days with covid and all, but there are usually groups that you can go to in order to just meet friends and activity partners. That would probably help, and you wouldn’t have to rely on people that you know from work that you may not even like that much outside of it, to provide you with socializing as well.

I know it’s difficult as we get older to make friends, but I do think there are many people that are in the same boat as you, and do just want some friendly companionship. I’m curious to hear what you can find in that realm!

The apartment complex sounds like a great situation, and could actually be helpful as well with what we are talking about with making friends and connecting with more community. Also I like the safety aspect of it, as well as the amenities. Yes it’s smaller, but do you really need all that space. Sounds like there are enough great things there that would make up for a smaller apartment. Exciting! Let us know how it goes 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Gwen,

Welcome to he forum and thanks for sharing your story! I hear you, dating has definitely changed in the digital age and things are just not what they used to be. It’s much more difficult to determine what someone is like from an online profile, and as you mentioned, people can be fake and/or hiding something. They can post pictures from 30 years ago, or have a secret situation that you know nothing about.

However, online dating isn’t all bad! I used to teach a course in online dating and I do think that i can have it’s uses. For example, it can be a good way to “prequalify” someone. Back in the day, you saw a cute guy at a bar and had no idea what his interests were, if he had a job, if he lived a home with his mom, or was just out cheating on his wife. But you would just go for it, and then it turned out tha Mr Hotpants was a wackadoodle.

With online dating, you have the opportunity to look beyond the surface and get a really good idea of who someone is like, and also determine if they truly are ready for dating. Of course people are online for many reasons, but it’s a reasonable assumption that if someone is on a dating site that they are available for a relationship, and that’s a good start! I can’t ell you how many women write to us who just fell into a relationship with someone they met at work or some other way that is so not available, but gets involved anyway. Those kinds of situations rarely work out.

You can also get really specific with what you want, which is another level of the pre-qualification process. You can filter people out based on height, weight, hair color (or patterns), interests, religion, political views, and the list goes on. Maybe this tightens your pool, but you’re only trying to date one person, correct? Why not look for exactly what you want?

Now don’t get me wrong, I am also a fan of getting out into the world and meeting people that way, but there are many factors nowadays that make that difficult, and if you can meet the love of your life from the comfort of your own home, I say do it!

In terms of the texting and emailing, I’d say this: Have a phone call as soon as possible. If the phone call feels nice, then insist on a video call. Once that’s happened, a connection has either been established or its not, and you can either move to an in person date or move on. When people just want to text forever, it shows that they are not serious, or a millennial, which is probably younger than you want to date!

Although I wouldn’t throw out the baby with the cell phone! Some of my best advice after a certain age is to date younger, especially if you’re an active person who wants to get out and do things. Determining what age gap you’re comfortable with us up to you, but there’s no shame in being with someone who helps you to feel alive, at whatever age!

Hope this helps,let me know what other questions you have 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Thanks for sharing, and sorry that it took a few days for me to respond. I don’t write in the forum on the weekends, and somehow the week slipped away and I lost track of this important message. I apologize!

So first off, I want to congratulate you on your courageous trip out to see Brian. You trusted your instincts, and that intuition paid off, as you were able to learn something new, as well as get some things off your chest. I want to acknowledge you for all of the internal work that you’ve been doing, and how that helped you to be in a stronger place with your emotions, and your actions connected to your feelings. You really have a lot to be proud of, and I hope that you feel good about yourself, no matter what the outcome.

I do have my own thoughts about the visit, and the stance that Brian is taking in your relationship, but I feel like you are a very intelligent person, and so before I say too much, I am curious to hear how you are thinking to move on from here, given what you now know, and after having a few days to think on things.

So for now, I’m just going to leave it at that, and will reconvene with you and share my thoughts after your next email. I don’t want my opinion to color your natural instincts just yet in this situation, but I do want you to know that I believe in you and think you’re incredible!

Let me know what you’re thinking and feeling after having that experience this weekend.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ashley,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It’s really difficult when you’re with someone and everything seems like it’s going well, and then there is a shift that ends things, or at the very least changes them from what they were.

I’d like to know more about your relationship, and how things were going over he course of he two years that you were dating. Was here fighting? Communication issues? Lack of common interests? Did you share goals? What kind of activities did you do together? Did you have an active sex life?

It sounds like there were some signs that things were getting a bit stale. Was there anything in particular that happened when something changed?
I’m curious why he would say that you would have to be “friends first” in order to date again. That indicates to me that there was some way that you were disconnected from each other.
Also, how did you meet and first start dating?

These are all important topics that can give us more insight into what you’re dealing with, and figure out how to help you move forward, in whatever way that goes.

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lisa,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story with us! Sounds like you have strong communication skills and a really healthy ability to be able to allow your partner to express his needs without taking it personally. Kudos! It takes people a long time and a lot of hard work to ge to that point, so I’d like to acknowledge you for that and express how awesome it is.

You mentioned that when he started to pull back after about 4-5 months into the relationship, he let you know why. It sounds like that was was helpful but I’m also wondering if his reasoning made sense to you. It sounds like you might now be having doubts as to his desire for taking space since it seems like the space taken is now being spent with friends, and while I don’t know the reason he originally gave, I will say that being “on his own” is still a valid reason. But looking a bit deeper at the reason may shed some light here.

You say that you are “giving him the gift of space” but no one actually owes anyone their time, even in relationship. Some people want more time, others want less. Neither is wrong, it’s just about compatibility, as you mentioned in your last paragraph. But the fact that you feel like you’re giving something away is indicative that this is not a sustainable place for you. It’s one that you’ve already experienced, and are no longer with the person, so there’s no reason (and I’m sure that you have no desire to) experience that same hurt again.

It all comes down to if both parties are willing to compromise. Yes there’s compatibility, but not everything is a perfect fit right off the bat and sometimes people have to be willing to make changes to get what they want. You have made some compromises here, so there’s nothing wrong with you asking him to make some as well. That being said, have you spoken with him about how you feel? It doesn’t have to be in a blaming way, or asking him to change what he needs. It’s simply you stating what you need to feel comfortable, seen, and cherished in the relationship.

Do you think that you can come to an agreement where his need for space and your need for more togetherness can both be met?

Looking forward to hearing more!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Of course it’s difficult for you to accept this and move on. You sound like a really wonderful person who sees the best in others, and you thought that you had found something really special with Matt. Maybe you had, but also, because you’re an optimistic person, maybe what you really saw was your own ideas of what could be, and who you think he is, as opposed to who he truly is and how he’s choosing to be in the world.

As much as it’s tempting, we can’t fall in love with potential, we have to fall in love with the reality. Because like it or not, potential is only in our own minds. You said: I agree that he needs to take the initiative, I am just worried that he won’t.
Sorry girl, but that speaks volumes. A healthy relationship needs two involved parties. You can’t be the only one striving here. Sure if he does therapy maybe he will realize how awesome his life could be with you. Maybe if he faces the old wounds and decides to do things differently he will become the great guy for you and with you that you know he has the capacity to be. But I’m sorry to say, those are a lot of ifs, and they are ifs that you have no control over.

I don’t think that you have to “throw in the towel and be like I’ve had enough, f*** you!” but I do think that you can’t be waiting around for his healing, as that could take a lifetime. And as Heidi has been saying, this is how he reacts to stress. Imagine you’re 2 years into a relationship with him, or 5 years into a marriage, or have a family with him and something happens that he doesn’t know how to emotionally handle. Will he throw you away then too? Of course the hope is that he is going to grow and change and never do his again, but we just don’t know this. I hate to see you pining away for something and someone that’s not based in a current reality, and only lives in the future of your mind.

With anxiety, it also can’t feel good to be with someone where you can’t rust them to not run away when things get tough. Life is full of tough. You need someone who is in it for the long haul.

I also want to point out that many of the things that you said that you liked about him were based in how he treated you, which A, he’s not doing anymore, and B, is not so much about him, but more about you. What you think you’re worth, how you think you deserve to be treated, the story you have about there being no good guys around…

I just would like for you to think about these things. He’s not the only guy out there, and the level of care that you originally got from him is the baseline for a healthy relationship. Just because you haven’t had that before, doesn’t mean that you can’t moving forward. My philosophy is that every relationship gets better and better, as long as you learn what you can from the previous one. And in this one, maybe you have to learn how to let go of what’s not working, to make way for what will.

I know it feels hard to think about that right now, but I’m sure that there’s someone out there for you that’s just as wonderful as you are, and is ready and able to meet you on your level.

What do you think?

xoxo
Spycee

[Coach Spyce]

Hi NP,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. And wow, what a story it is! Not that what you’re experiencing is anything out of the ordinay, but there do seem to be a lot of moving parts, and much emotion that got swept under the rug from the very beginning.

To answer your question: if I should try to fix anything?

The quick answer to that is no, absolutely not, and hell to the no! Now let’s break that down…

You meet this guy who seems to have common interests, but immediately there are red flags. Question: how soon did these red flags start waving heir pretty heads? Cause from what I’m seeing, you are saying right away that you didn’t like how he talked about his ex, which to me is a huge red flag too. If someone is placing all of the blame for the relationship demise on the other person, it shows that they are not taking responsibility for their part and doing their own inner work.

Next: we clicked right away and relationship started really fast

Love bombing FOR SURE! Saying that he likes you so much, etc, etc. Girl, he doesn’t even know you and you don’t know him, of course you pull away! Now sure, maybe it would have been better to let him know what was going on, but you’re human, and that was your reaction.

Listen, if you have this many issues in the first few months when everyone is supposed to be on their best behaviour, do you really think that somehow this is going to change or be different? He doesn’t know how to be different. He doesn’t even know how to pretend!

Please cut your losses and move on from this! I’m more concerned about you looking forward and being protected.
Because what was it about this guy that made you like him when you haven’t liked anyone else since your divorce? The answer to that will reveal the key to what drew you to engage with this person when it really sounds like you didn’t really want to…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

I can imagine at this point it’s going to be tough to do much more than mildly enjoy someone else’s company. You are not open to connection with anyone else right now, and I don’t blame you for still feeling like “Brian’s girl”. How can you not be still caught up in this current situation, when you have not had any closure? To be fair, it’s not like he’s said, “it’s over” or anything to that effect, he basically just faded away. That’s such a difficult dynamic to deal with.

Just to speak to your heart’s worry of him “finding someone easier”. There IS no one easier in this situation. You have been incredibly easy, kind, compassionate, loving. I’m sure he is not looking or available to anyone else right now at all.

Thanks for telling me more about how your relationships have been thus far. I can see how your life experience has shaped you to be the person that you are. It’s also true that sometimes someone that we’ve always wanted comes later to us in life. Really, I think it’s because we are more ready for it, and we have better boundaries and higher standards. So that has a lot to do with it I’m sure.

I’m not surprised that you feel called to go over to his place and try to connect with him. To be honest, I’m no sure that I would advise against it. It is often the case with men who are not so in touch with their feelings as we are, and are used to dealing with things on their own, that they might stew in their emotions, and not fully be able to be in touch with their emotions until a woman that they care about points it out to them. That’s why I asked you to look at the costs and what it was costing you to let this linger, and what it might cost to move things forward. I still wonder what feels like more of the right thing to do…

I guess the other question is, are you staying away for you or for him? Are you wanting to go over there for you or for him? I know you’re used to being a caretaker for others, but it’s important that you’re a caretaker for you. To me it seems like you are making decisions based on what you think he’s going to be comfortable with, and at this point, I don’t think that’s respectful to yourself. I understand that he’s scared of his mortality and whatnot, but how he is treating you is immature at best, and actually rather cruel. I know that’s not his intention, but that is the outcome. I’m feeling like it’s a bit like enough is enough already. Come to Jesus is coming now.

How does that idea land with you?

Your last sentence makes me thing that you are pretty close…
As much as I see some wisdom in letting him be on his own to work things out while also letting him know I am here – I keep cycling back to thinking I should try to catch him and find out if there is in fact a cancer factor in here messing up the works on top of all the rest.

Wisdom, maybe. Maturity, yes. But also it’s giving too much of yourself and putting your own needs on the back burner. You cycling back to having that conversation with him before he skips town is telling you something. I think you owe it the relationship and to your self respect to get some closure so that way you can proceed however you need to in the next few months.

I dont know about you, but MY patience is wearing thin 😉

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

Thanks for explaining more about the work dynamic. Now that you’re describing it, I definitely do see even more similarities between how things play out there and what happens for you personally. After all, everything is pretty connected in who we are as people. It’s hard to compartmentalize ourselves too much, and sometimes it can be detrimental to do so anyway.

I totally understand the discrepancy between how you can be well liked, but still not be popular, or reached out to. I can relate as I feel similarly often in my life. I know that many people love and care about me, but am I getting invited to every social gathering? No way!
I’ve asked people about that, and they’ve said a couple pf things that could be similar in your case as well.

One is that people assume you’re all set. People just assume that you’re the kind of person who has their life together and is too busy to attend whatever silly function they have happening. Oh, she wouldn’t like that! Like you’re too highbrow or put together to enjoy something as casual as going out to dinner with friends.

Another thing, and it’s really somewhat sad and juvenile, is the drinking aspect. I also don’t drink, and I found that when I stopped (I drank quite a lot in the past) I did find that my invites lessened. Many people that drink know deep inside hat what they are doing is no really the best for them and may want to stop, but it’s not an easy process to do so, and can take people lifetimes to get to the place of becoming sober. So even if you are fine with their drinking, just a non drinker being around makes them feel guilty in a certain sense, as well as possibly suppressed. They don’t want to be as open or casual with someone around who isn’t drinking and will actually remember what happened, and will never do something silly because they were drunk. I know this too because when I was a big drinker, I didn’t like to hang out with anyone who wasn’t!

And then, it could just be something as simple as what Jen said, and what she does. Don’t make it into a big deal. Don’t wait to be invited, invite yourself! Just go! If they say “we’re all going out to Black’s Bar” but don’t tell you a time, either hound someone until you get a time, or just show up in the evening. Act like you belong. That’s actually one of the best ways to create friendships in group scenarios such as this. If you are confident and comfortable, people feel good around you. If you act like maybe people don’t want you around, they pick up on that, and then they start to question if they do.

I know this all sounds very childish, but in reality I think it’s just the dynamics of groups, and human nature. Most people don’t even realize that they are playing things out this way.

In terms of dating, I think some of the same concepts apply. Being confident with you are and that you are wanted, is a great attitude to have about yourself.

Thanks for asking about the CA storm! I grew up in upstate NY, so a little bit of rain doesn’t scare me 😉

xoxo
Spyce

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