[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

Thanks for sharing more about what you’re looking for. I can feel that you have walls up, even here, so it is apparent that some of that could be holding you back in meeting someone.

I’m getting conflicting messages from you. On one hand, you say that you’ve been happy being alone and that you never cared if you found someone or not. Is that really true? If that is true, why now?

Before you mentioned that now it’s changed because of feeling better in your body and some other changes, but then you contradict yourself again by saying that you’ve felt fine with how you’ve looked, but you’ve never me anyone that you’ve been attracted to, which I find difficult to believe, unless there’s something emotional getting in the way.

You’ve eluded to something emotional getting in the way, but it doesn’t seem that you want to talk about it. That’s ok of course! We are not here to force anything out of you. But I can say that the more honest you can be about what you’re dealing with, the more we are able to help you get to the bottom of whatever is getting in the way of you having what you want.

When you say that talking with prospective dates about your sexual history is awkward, is that because you haven’t had sex? I can see how broaching the topic could be sensitive, and of course it’s no something that you have to discuss with anyone until you are comfortable with them, and on a need to know basis.

Do you think that you might be asexual, or maybe aromantic? Not everyone feels the same way, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Any thoughts in that realm?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Cynthia,

Hope you’ve had a great weekend! I have no doubt that you excel at championing for other people. Whether it be friends, lovers, students that you’ve supported, I’m positive that having you on their side is a huge gift to everyone. That is a beautiful thing, as long as the act itself does not become detrimental to the giver.
Thank you for sharing with me about your childhood, and I’m sorry that you were taught as a child that your needs weren’t as important as your mother’s. That’s really unfair and unpleasant. Have you ever been able to talk with your parents about how this affected you and get any closure? Or have you been able to get closure in any other ways?

I’m glad to hear that you are working on this behaviour because as mentioned, it has so much potential for beauty, but also a dark side that can drain you and result in you not receiving all that you deserve. Doing work on feeling worthy sounds like a really good trajectory for you. I can feel how significant that was for you when Brian told you that, and it sounds like your therapist is helping you stick to continuing to heal in this way. And I am here for that as well! I want you to receive at least as much as you give, and honestly, more! So many women are taught to give endlessly. I love when I can inspire a woman to relax into receiving, and to not feel guilty or that she’s not giving enough. we ladies give just by being who we are, and the strong and worthy men recognize that.

It does make sense that given your history you would become an anxiously attached person, because you’ve learned that the way that you will receive love is only by totally putting your needs to the side and fully focusing on the other person. While I respect your love and care for Brian, I really am concerned that you are falling very deeply into that pattern with him. You are wanting things for him, and willing to strive and suffer for him in order to achieve these things, that he is not willing to acknowledge hat he wants got himself, and that he certainly isn’t striving to get. That being said, you can know in your innermost heart that he’s scared and resistant, and that’s why he’s not outwardly wanting or striving for these changes, but if he’s not having these revelations on his own, he is not only not going to make changes to achieve these goals (since they aren’t consciously his) but he also may start resenting you for “pushing” these ideas on him.

It bothers me that he’s expressed that you’re not “his type” and that he’s “not in love” with you. He’s expressly said time and again that he’s not willing to fight for you. He’s not willing to push past his own demons for you, nor for himself. I also just don’t know that he’s seeing these things as clearly as you do, and does he really even think that he’s scared, or does he just think that it’s not a fit?

He’s a grown man, but he honestly isn’t acting like one in many ways. He wants a mommy, and you are treating him like a child. You are unconditionally loving him, which as pious as it might be, is not healthy for you, and will not make him love you any more in the end. I fear that it may make him appreciate you less, knowing that no matter what he does, you will be there waiting for him. I hope you know that I am not saying any of this to upset you, it’s only because I care and want to see you being respected and cherished for the beautiful person that you are.

In terms of sending him a card (which you may have already done), sure you can do that if you like. But I don’t think that you’re saying anything new. At this point, it feels like it’s grasping a bit at straws. Continuing to reach out in the hopes that something you say will suddenly change things for him doesn’t seem like the best choice, but I do understand the feeling and I commend you for your optimism. I just think he needs to miss you a bit, and start to think about what his life would truly be like without you. Maybe if he understands that, he will start to make changes. But right now, with you being so available, it doesn’t feel like he’s going to recognize any of that…

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

How is the new place? How is work going? Are you planning to go home for Thanksgiving?

What’s new in your world?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

So you say that you’ve been indifferent, but I’m not sure if I can believe that. It seems that is just covering up for something. I know that you said that you recently lost a bunch of weight. Have you been concerned that you would be rejected because of how you look?
Often it’s easier to jus feign indifference when we have fear of not being liked if we put ourselves out there, so we reject the other person before they can reject us. Do you think there’s been some of that going on?

The thing that’s great about this forum is that even though it’s technically a public forum, it’s totally anonymous. No one has any idea who you are, and we can’t find you. So that makes most women feel comfortable divulging their innermost thoughts to us here, and I will say tha the more honest you are able to be, the more we can help you to achieve what it is that you’re desiring.

I understand that you’d like to meet “the one”. That is the dream! The question is how to determine who that is if you’ve never dated anyone. Who is the one for you? What kind of characteristics does he have? What can you tell us about him? You say that you’re very picky, so let’s hear more about what your dealbreakers are, and what you’re looking for in a man.

As I’ve been saying, the clearer you are on what you want, the more you can hone in on finding that person!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

No thanks needed! It is a joy when I get to support someone like you who has so not only so much insight into their own inner workings, but is a person who is committed to plummeting the depths and doing the deep work to become a happier, healthier, and more fulfilled person. I am all about the depths of the psyche, so I find our conversations as uplifting and delightful as you do!

I know that you’ve looked into the love languages, but have you explored much about Attachment Theory? You might find that really enlightening as well. I’ve thought about it before to mention to you, but I also was reminded of it as you talked about your childhood wounding bringing you close together.

There is a theory (possibly explored in Attachment as well) that we are attracted specifically to people that will wound us in the same way that we were wounded by our parents, or our closest caretakers, because we want to relive the trauma but hope to have a different outcome. If that different outcome happens, it can be a big healing. However achieving that different outcome when connecting with someone who is on the same traumatic course can be pretty insurmountable, and often ends up in just more heartache. That’s why it is so important for people to do their own work before delving in with someone who shares their same wounding. How can you hold space for someone if it triggers you so much?

That’s more of a rhetorical question, but I do actually wonder about it in your particular situation. That’s why I feel that not only do you have a lot of patience with Brian and his trauma, but I also wonder how healthy it is for you to keep putting your own needs on the back burner in order to help him come clean with his issues. That makes me wonder, where else in your life do you do this, or where else have you done that? I’m sure the pattern didn’t start with Brian, so where does it come from?

I appreciate hat you’re doing your own work, and I hope that eventually you can get to the point where you can let Brian go, and really feel into the idea that he’s not going to do the work, and that he’s not meant for you, he’s not your man.
And then if he comes back in 3 months, 6 months, a year, or more, it’ll be a happy surprise, but maybe something that doesn’t even fit anymore.

You say: I’m thinking I want to let him know I need him to call me when he is ready.

Why? Do you think that he doesn’t know? I hate to say it, but he may never be ready in this lifetime. He may not be capable. He may live to regret that but it may be his truth.

And it’s not about you. You could be a millionaire supermodel and it wouldn’t matter. He can only change for himself. You can’t do the work for him.

I know you know this, and I’m so proud of everything that you’re doing. You’re strong, you’re marvelous, you’re an incredible woman. You deserve to be cherished and adored, and I know that you will be.

So here’s a question: why are you willing to wait for him? What do you think is going to happen? And what does your gut tell you will?

Glad you’re having some warmer weather in NY! Sending you sunny thoughts either way 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

Congrats are in order then! It’s wonderful that you are putting yourself out there and opening up your heart for love. You are brave for taking that first step and starting the process!

So it sounds like you were a bit afraid at first that no one would want to talk with you, but now that you’re getting matches you’re feeling better about it? I’m sure that you are a lovely woman and that here aer many men who are interested in talking with you. So like I said, the key now is more about you deciding what it is that you want. The world is full of men, so you need to be clear in what and who exactly you are looking for or it will get overwhelming.

I’d also like to know more about the “reservations” that you have about relationships. Obviously this is a major thing if it’s kept you away from dating all of this time. Did something happen in your past that frightened you? May I ask how old you are?
But I have to tell you, there is no reason to rush into anything. You can take this as slowly as you want.

So let’s think this through a bit. To be honest, whatever you want right now is ok. Maybe you just want to go out on dates and meet some different men, see who you resonate with. Maybe you want to be casual while you test the waters. If you’ve never dated before, it could be difficult to know what you want and maybe not the best plan to get too deep with someone right away.
WHat do you think about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

It is sad that he can’t get over his fear, but this is his baggage, and he may never work through it, no matter who comes along to show him that he can have something different. Because it’s not about anyone else but him. Anything he does has to be because of his own desire for change, and for happiness. It can’t be based on how he feels about anyone else. It’s not about you, or your worthiness, none of that doesn’t matters. The question is, is he worthy? Does he think he’s worthy? Unless he can feel that compassion and care for himself, he will not change.

I hear you, loud and clear. I hear that you have an amazing amount of love to give. Support, companionship, caring kindness. You are a deep and spiritual woman with so much substance. You have so much of this inside of you, and you are yearning to be met by a kindred spirit. This is a beautiful goal, and I so desperately want that for you.

Brian comes along and he seems to have so many of these same pieces, these characteristics that you embody and that you are seeking in another. The times when you collide in those emotions are magical and significant, and feel incredibly invigorating, intoxicating, and also addicting. It’s delightfully heady to be met in this way that you’ve been desiring, so even if it is only for a certain amount of time, and even if you have to jump through hoops to create the opening for him to walk through with you, you are willing. You are able, so why not be willing?

I hear you, and I resonate as I have been the same. I too have dragged men through the depths with me because I know that they have it in them if only they would just tune in, let go, give up, give in. Our lives together could be the most amazing thing ever, if only he would just do the work and bring forth all that I know he has inside. If, if, if only. But you can’t build a life on if only, and I didn’t get my King until I found a willing participant who was already doing the work on his own.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it as often as I need to, I support you. I support you in loving Brian unconditionally and possibly to your detriment. I support you in waiting around to see what he can offer, and being ok with whatever he can give and having that be enough. I support you in doing what you feel that you need to do to see this thing thru to a place where it no longer serves you. I support you, even if I don’t think it’s the healthiest path.

I agree that he’s “letting you down gently” but I don’t exactly see it that way as that implies to me that there’s something that you’re wanting that he doesn’t want, and I dont think that’s the case. I think he wants it, and that is the rub. Because he may want it, but is he capable? I know that you want to wait and see, and once again, I support you in that if that’s what you feel like you need to do. And know that I am here for you, however long this process takes.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allegra,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum!

So before we talk about Kyle, I want to know more about you! Because here’s the thing. Kyles come and go and you’ve only known this one a few weeks, and you don’t really know him at all, so I’m more concerned with who you are and where you are in life. I have to be honest that it sounds like you’re really getting anxious about this whole dating situation in general, and if that’s the case, it’s important to address those concerns so ha way you don’t go off the rails with every guy that you match with.

Online dating is a numbers game, and people lie, people cheat, people are not who they say they are, and a whole host of things. You need to learn how to read the red flags and understand who people are from not only what they say but also what they don’t say. Most importantly, you have to be clear in your own self about who you are, what you’re looking for, and what you’re actually ready and available for.
Because everything that you’re currently experiencing with Kyle is classic Dating Douche 101, and it’s going to be a similar story with a lot of these people. So the clearer you are in what you want, the more easily you will be able to spot that in others.

So tell me more. You say that you “recently (6weeks) introduced myself to online dating apps”. What does that mean? What were you doing before? Are you recently out of a relationship? Do you usually meet people more IRL? Have you not done much dating at all? What’s your relationship/dating history been like up until this point?

Looking forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ruth,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can understand feeling sad, unwanted, and like you’ve lost something precious, and you’re not sure why, or what you’ve done to cause this to happen. That’s a very natural feeling to have, but I want to assure you that whatever is going on for him, is NOT YOUR FAULT! And it sounds like he doesn’t think it is either.

I do have a few questions to clarify. You say that you met over 2 years ago. Have you been together all that time? If that’s the case, I am curious how you’ve gotten from 3 months in with him pulling back to now? That’s a very long time to be in an intimate relationship with no intimacy. And when exactly did you move in together?

It’s nice that he bought you a ring and tells you that he doesn’t want you to leave, but what else is he actually bringing to the table to show you that he cares about you, cherishes you as a partner, is invested in your relationship, and that he desires you as a wife and lover? Those are all important elements of a relationship that if they are missing, erode the fabric of the relationship to the point where it will dissolve.

It’s interesting that he’s mentioned that his ex left him with no warning. Could it be that she was in the same position as you are? Where he is giving nothing to the relationship and expects that his partner will just stay with no indication that he’s even interested in them?

Here’s the thing. You have a right to have love, desire, intimacy, care, and adoration in a relationship. You deserve partnership and someone who is willing to do what it takes to make you happy. You are certainly not “complaining about nothing”. This is not a good situation.

Are you able to talk with him about this in a clear and honest way without either placing blame or taking on blame? It might genuinely not be anyone’s fault. Perhaps he wants to do better for you but doesn’t know how. If that’s the case, there may be some ways to approach this that can create some changes that will move the needle for the two of you a little. Is he and are you willing to have these honest conversations?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

Hope you had a lovely weekend. How was your road trip? I hope it was super fun, nurturing, and the exact adventure that you needed to keep you going!

I can understand how Brian has stolen your heart and while it may not be by design, it can certainly turn out that way because of the whole dynamic in the relationship, which is one that I understand well.

It’s specifically because of the fact that he does open up so much and goes so deeply when you’re together, and makes everything so special during those times, that it’s so difficult to be upset when he doesn’t. You have all of these amazing memories to go back to, so it makes it easier to overlook the things that he does that don’t feel great, which are actually pretty darn awful and disrespectful when taken on their own. I adore you, and I’m sure that your friends do too, and to be honest, I can relate to the feelings of frustration that they are having about him as well.

So many things that he does just really smacks of selfishness or being unaware if we are trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s a feeling like he can take it or leave it, and he will take it if it’s in his face, or he will leave it if he has to do any work to maintain it. I’m so sorry if this makes you feel bad as that’s the last thing that I want, but so much of this just feels unfair.

I mean, it’s unfair for him to give you so much goodness when he can’t follow through and be consistent with his care. It’s unfair for him to go so deep with you, and then just abruptly go back to his own world that doesn’t involve you, without a care for your feelings. But I so feel how those amazing times together make up for these injustices to you and I can’t say that I would do anything different in these situations.

But I do also want to say that what you deserve is exactly this sweetness from someone who won’t run away, from someone who is in it for the long haul. Someone who says, “hey if I’m going to die before I’m old, I want to spend every moment in his bliss that I can”.

What’s the reason not to? Really? What is his reason for not making you an integral part of his life? What’s the excuse for not doing everything in his power to spend as much time as possible with a wonderful woman who makes his heart sing and makes every moment better? Does he have one? Have you asked him outright?

I love hearing about your love, but it’s almost more frustrating because what is stopping this love from happening in a deep and meaningful way all of the time?

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Lorraine,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this painful experience. It’s upsetting that you gave up your home and now the future that you envisioned with this person is disintegrating before your eyes. That really feels awful I’m sure, and it’s natural for you to feel devastated.

While I’m not saying it’s right that you looked through his emails, I do want to say though that I think that’s a natural feeling for you to have as well. Unfortunately you do not have a level of trust with him, and lo and behold, your instincts were correct and he is not a trustworthy person.

The sad truth of it is, you don’t actually know him that well. Six months is a very short time to get to know someone, and from the sound of it, the plan to move in together happened even way before that 6 month mark. The fact that it was his idea that he pressed so hard is a big red flag to me as well, and then to have cold feet once it was too late to change the situation, indicates someone who is really not in touch with their wants and needs, and not emotionally mature enough to speak to their emotions and to be honest. That’s concerning if you are wanting to have a healthy, long term relationship with this person.

It sounds like he tells you what you want to hear in order to get what he thinks he wants in the moment, but then doesn’t even know what he truly wants. Following his lead is getting you into trouble. So the real question is, what do you want? It sounds like you want deep connection, love and trust, commitment with someone that you can eventually settle down and build a life with. Do you think that you can have that with this person? Has he shown you thus far that he is capable of that?

You can have “great plans for the future”, but without the reality of how someone is actually showing up, those plans can just linger in fantasy, and never become a reality. You really have to assess if he has the ability within him to live up to those dreams, or if it’s just more lies.

Thoughts?

[Coach Spyce]

Road trip!! So fun! I hope you have an awesome time. I will look forward to hearing more about how it went after the weekend 🙂

Thanks for sharing the story. There is actually a significant piece of information in there that I didn’t know, and that is the fact of how newly single he is/was when you met.

it sounds like he went online casually, not expecting to find someone, and certainly shocked to encounter a goddess as incredible as you! But that being said, I wonder if he was really actually ready for dating even, let alone to meet and become connected to someone who could bring so much healing and high quality love into his life. So it makes sense to me now even more so how he would pull away, as he was probably blindsided by all of this, and simply just not ready. He is obviously still reeling and healing from his marriage, and hasn’t yet given himself the time and space to be on his own, just figuring out who he is, what he wants, who he will be without the pull of anyone else’s needs. And even not within a romantic relationship, he has so many people needing him and wanting his attention, it sounds like it all feels like just too much.

It’s too bad that he can’ recognize the gift of love from you, really being able to just let go into it, let go into the space of being with that love in the moment, without feeling that he somehow has to do anything but just be. If he could understand that, perhaps he wouldn’t feel like he had to do something to be with you in love, and he could just surrender to the joy. But surrender is an extremely difficult thing for almost everyone to do, and it takes a lot of trust, and patience within ourselves to let go. I personally relate to that as achieving trust and surrender is something I struggle with regularly.

I love hearing about the love languages, although it’s interesting to me how Brian would say that quality time is one of his top love languages, yet as soon as he felt triggered or overwhelmed, that was the first thing to go. What do you think that stems from?

Anyway, this has opened another layer to work with. I am curious to hear more about your experiences with him over the time you’ve spent, as I’m quite familiar with how the past few weeks have gone. But I’d still like to know more about what it was like before that, and how you came to determine that he was the person who deserves your heart and so much of your care and compassion.

Hope you’re having a great trip!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cynthia,

You’re very welcome! I don’t know that I’d call you unusual, but not everyone has the ability to look deeply at themselves, their triggers, their pain, etc, and stive to make positive changes. So when I meet someone who is, I admire that!
From what you’re saying about your family, it doesn’t sound like open lines of communication and deep personal reflection was a staple in your childhood, and so that is even more courageous of you to break the patterns of a lineage, and to strike out on your own in a way that wasn’t taught to you, and that you had to come to on your own. Very good to know that you have dear friends to support you along the journey, and to keep reminding you of your inherent and beautiful worth. And the fact that you have such a wide range of wonderful friends is another testament to you! I am pleased to be considered one of the crew 🙂

Yes it’s true that the more you invest in something, the more attached you are to the outcome, and the more deeply you care, thereby increasing the opportunity for pain and disappointment. But it’s also like I keep saying. The fact that you were willing to be open to all of this and search for something deeper says a lot about where you are in life. And so that’s why I say that even if Brian isn’t able to step up to the plate, you now know that you can be that person, you have the capacity o have a deep relationship like this, and to give of yourself fully. That in and of itself can attract exactly whatever your next step is.

Now that you’re mentioning about how you and Brian were attracted into each other’s lives, I’m realizing that I don’t know much about how you met. Can you tell me that story? I always feel like the origin of how something came to be can inform a lot as to where and how it flows and evolves, so it would be interesting o learn more about what first brought you together, and what intention was behind your original connection.

Don’t worry about me letting of of the vision of you being cherished and loved. I am clear that you evoke that feeling in everyone who meets you. It’s just about finding those who won’t be scared of that feeling in themselves, and will be able to ruly exhilarate in all of the joy that comes from being an integral part of your life. I know it will come!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Rhonda,

So good to hear that the move wen smoothly! I was worried there for a second that you might get roped into “helping out” and get jipped in the process. I’m glad to know that all is well and that you are in your new place. I’m hopeful that it’s going to be a really nice change for you!

Also glad that you were able to get in touch with Trav. Sometimes times just flies like that for younger people, and they don’t realize that much time has gone by. I’m sure you will be able to be in better touch once things get worked out a bit more.

I’ll look forward to hearing more about how thing went once you get your internet up and running.

Sending good thoughts for happy unpacking in the meantime 🙂

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Gwen,

I must agree with what Heidi is saying about this man. His behaviour is really rotten, and if you were to go back to him after he treated you that way, he would assume that how he behaved was fine, and he would continue on in that way.
Obviously he has issues of his own that he was quick to show after only two months. If you were to get back together with him, he would only hurt you again because nothing has changed.
Is there a reason that you think that things would be different with him this time?

xoxo
Spyce

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