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Heidi, Exactly! I’m looking for sexual exclusivity mainly. The rest will come as it does. I sent it by text and I know he’ll answer by the weekend. I texted because I don’t see him during the week much. No badgering, though. When I didn’t hear back, I just offered to resend it if he didn’t receive it. Sometimes they don’t go through.
He finally texted me a good morning, which is normal not to come till midweek. He seems to need to regroup after a weekend together. I am acting as normal as before and will talk about my thoughts and feelings when we’re face to face.
I’m figuring out what I want in light of this new development. If things can begin to turn around, I’m interested in riding it out to see where it goes. He’s basically a nice guy, just with some hang ups. I don’t know if we’ll get past them, but depending on our sexual exclusive discussion, I’m more than willing to give it my best.
I keep telling him I don’t NEED him, just enjoy his company.
I’m backing off just a bit on the things I do for him and my usual availability. He needs to miss me once in awhile! 😂
I’m encouraged that he did text me this morning. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how long it would take him since he has yet to answer my question. At least I know we still have a chance.
I’m well aware that these patterns will crop up even 10+ years into it. My hope is that his personal barriers to opening up will break open some day. I know it still is there, but if he actually lets me in, we can get there. That part is up to him, however. I can be open to him and welcome him to my heart, but he’s responsible for his own life. My biggest hope is that he’ll feel the good vibes from me and begin to trust and love again. Time will tell.
Heidi,
Please give me some insight. I’m hanging in the middle now wondering what to do next. I did ask him if we are exclusive with each other, in light of our “non-relationship.” He said he got it, couldn’t talk right now, and I said ok, ttyl. I’ve heard nothing, but hope it gave him something to mull over. Asked him last night how his day was. No response but he may have already gone to bed. Nothing this morning. I’m just patiently waiting for some sort of response. Nothing else to do at this point. I feel I have a right to know if he views us as exclusive since I thought we’d already established that, but am now unsure what we’ve established.BTW, I didn’t react when he told me that stuff. I just listened and asked questions mostly. Then I sat through the evening processing it. I decided we should have spectacular sex and it was! Might as well enjoy what I can!!
He’s had so much hurt in his life. Many deep losses. After his last gf he swore off relationships. Says his heart is black now and he has no soul. I’ve seen signs of his heart and soul. I told him his soul passed through mine, finally, and he said that wasn’t possible, probably a fart. I laughed and said good thing I didn’t light a match! 😂 I definitely see signs of breakthrough and am fine being on the porch. I’m just not sure how to proceed with this new information which is different than what I feel coming from him. I don’t believe his heart is dark towards me. I’ve always felt a warmth of some kind from him. Could it be he’s just afraid and going slow? He did say sometime back that he can’t believe he’s let me in this far. Any help would be awesome!
Does that mean it’s fair game to meet other guys? That’s what I’m thinking but not in an unhealthy way. Just putting my face out there. If we’re not in a “relationship “ then I’m not closing any doors. That might surprise him but he freed me by his comment.
Well here’s a twist. He says we are what we are. He has no feelings. And I’m only in “the screened in porch “ not in the door yet. I said that was something. I’m still waiting for his final walls to come down. And they will.
Heidi, thank you! And thanks for your help and inspiration. I was determined not to mess this one up and we’re doing great! Much more relaxing than any relationship I’ve ever had! I appreciate all your help!
Here’s my last beirristible post due to financial hardship:
My guy is wonderful and delightful. We’ve been together over 5 months and it gets better every time I see him. He came over one evening to help me clean my pool and we’ve been strong ever since. We’ve had our little difficulties, but worked them through as they come up. Yes, after our first night together (which was absolutely amazing), we hopped on my Harley and he hit a rock. We went flying! No bad injuries, just some road rash and his bruised leg where my bike went down on it. He felt so bad and said he wouldn’t blame me if I never spoke to him again. I laughed and said that’s not gonna happen 😂. I’m not a secret keeper because secrets aren’t healthy, but may never tell him how much it cost to repair my Harley. I was underinsured and I got f*cked but good. Not his fault and he’d feel even worse knowing that. Two grand it cost me. Maybe someday way down the line I’ll let him know, but it’s more of a need to know basis or if he asks me, of course I’ll let him know. No point in making him feel worse than he already does.
So we continued seeing each other. We’re well into 6 months and going strong. He did a push and pull for awhile and I simply said I wished I could see more of him. I told him I felt like I was losing him. Then I apologized because I knew how busy and tired he was after work ( heavy construction at almost 60 is a lot of wear and tear on the body!). He didn’t say anything. I was afraid I’d blown it!
The next weekend began a total turnaround. We’ve spent our weekends together and he’s been delightful! And I have been over (we spend time at his house primarily, which is fine with me), many evenings during the week, too. (He had “banned” me from weeknights because we stayed up too late for his work schedule, lol!). Now I’m welcome most nights as long as I don’t overdo it. He loves that I bring supper over and actually enjoys my cooking. He’s a chef so that’s saying something! I’m so glad I bit the bullet and told him how I was feeling!! It was scary but worth the effort. He’s more relaxed than before and we always enjoy each other’s company. What a delight! And when he says he’s ready for bed, I take off and give him his time to rest. I gave him, and continue to give him, the space he needs to relax and he appreciates that. Now he’s more willing to come help me at my house when it’s something I can’t do, he called himself my boyfriend finally, and we’ve got a good routine going. Since we had our little talk, which was simple and painless, we are actually a full- fledged couple, which is more relaxing for me. Early on we had the monogamy talk and we fully trust each other in that respect. I love it! After being well- cheated on in previous relationships this was important to both of us. I’ve never doubted him and his faithfulness to us. Now we’re building real trust between us in many other aspects. Like I’m not a vindictive woman which he appreciates a bunch. We tell each other the truth in everything and keep communication open. It’s not that we talk about where we are in the relationship, but we know where we are and are watching it unfold in the most healthy ways. He’s an all around good guy and treats me well, as I do him. It feels more everyday like we’re reaching milestones and getting closer. I asked him one day after I shared my feelings if he was mad at me. He said, “quit asking questions. “. Typical guy response, lol. So I did, and he treats me like a queen. He’s what I’ve been looking for for a loooong time and, though we’re still getting used to each other and all our little quirks, we have a strong bond that I’m hoping and thinking will last a very long time. It’s a journey, and who knows where we’re going, but an enjoyable one! That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!
Stephanie,
Sounds like you’re doing really well with everything! Keep getting your girl on, girl! We’re doing better every day. He loves when I show up just a little dressed up and treats me like a queen. Such fun!I can’t believe how much he’s opening up to me now, but it’s been over 3 months now and the trust is finally growing enough and he’s decided he wants to be with me more than a day or 2 a week. Patience and understanding have been the key. Projects help, too. We’re making giant jenga games to sell at my shop and he cut the wood and invited me out to show me how to sand them down. That’s one way I see how to keep the relationship alive. If we have things to do in common it helps tremendously. He’s very much into us now and I’m enjoying every minute. It seems to have happened overnight. One thing I’ve done is “get my girl on” and enjoy his manhood. Lots of fun and laughter and pure enjoyment going on and I’m soaking it up! I can see I’m going to have to write a new song now that he’s opening up!
Stephanie,
It sounds like you’ve made great strides and are working through your stuff, which you have had a LOT to deal with all your life! I’m excited for you that you now have a healthy relationship and your boyfriend is very supportive. It’s hard to break old patterns and it seems to me you’re doing it! Congratulations!So Stephanie, I’m curious as to your story if you don’t mind sharing. It’s always interesting to hear what others are going through.
Stephanie,
It’s definitely a learning curve, lol. I still don’t do it very well but am trying my best. We are trained from birth as women to take care of everyone but ourselves and not say anything to hurt someone else’s feelings so when we do speak our minds often feel guilty or like we’re being the bitch. In reality it’s freeing to say what’s on our minds!Hi Stephanie,
Good to hear you’ve been following my posts! I’m growing by leaps and bounds! Such fun but quite a challenge at the same time. I’ve learned to be much more laid back in pursuing a relationship. For me that’s been the key. After being treated not so good, I’ve learned to put myself first (an ever growing learning curve) and take things in stride. If he wants me and I want him, then it’ll work for the best! I’ve learned to speak my mind, always in a kind way, if possible, but not to hold back. Also, at our age, we need our space to be independent and have a life outside each other. That’s been a real key for me to grasp, as I’m a total people person and like company most of the time. I’m learning (post divorce) that I can be myself all alone if I want. But I have many friends to spend time with, too. It’s about balance! What are you up to?
