Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
He even brought it up! Said if he catches something he’ll get the shotgun, buckshot in the backside and see ya later, LOL! So I went right away that morning and got a full profile. I’m sure I’m clean unless it’s a latent std that my last guy didn’t know about, which is entirely possible. I absolutely love my new guy’s approach and openness. I tell him often how refreshing he is to have such conversations and he knows exactly what I mean. Wow!
I told my son, who’s in college here, about this (he’s leery of me starting with yet another guy, with good reason),and he’s beginning to see my new approach and gaining respect for my decision in this situation. Not only that, it sparked an amazing conversation with his friends last night. We talked about safe sex, what that means, and how cool it is that this guy would not only bring it up, but insist on being tested and treated if necessary. They have seen my life unfold and change, and respect me even more for this last chapter. I’m not only the “cool mom” but a role model they love and adore. Many of them don’t have parents they can talk so openly with and appreciate that we can talk about anything and everything. My son even told me last night how cool I am and how much he loves my being so. AND how much he loves me! How fortunate I am to have a relationship like that with him! I know how rare that is!!!! 💕 He’s so proud of who I’m becoming and how I’ve grown and changed without losing myself in the process. He’s even more pleased that I love myself, didn’t get all worked up about ending my last relationship and put my foot down in such a gracious way. WOW I’m blessed!!
I agree wholeheartedly! No more trying to save lost puppies!
The new guy is not a wounded puppy, than God! I’ve upgraded!! He totally gets it and walks the talk. Has good perspectives and talking to him about relationships is like talking to you guys. He works with people and does psych work so has a good understanding of the human condition. We seem to be on the same page, checking each other out and sharing our perspectives openly. Wow! So refreshing. We’re both going slow and with caution, but he appears to be genuine. He asked me if this is how I always am, my sweet personality, etc. and I said, yup. This is me. He can’t believe anyone would let me go. We’ve talked about std testing, how stupid some people are and our ridiculous experiences. Slow and easy but hopefully worth the wait.
Early on he told me all women are vindictive. I said, not me. I wanted to uphold that to any extent. He’s also been cheated on in a bad way. I made sure I dealt with him before I got into another relationship. He didn’t make the timing easy, but I was done before I had my first date with anyone. Just had to wrap up the loose ends. He always said he liked being with me because I was nice. I upheld that to the end! Not stooping to any level of what he was used to. I hope he gets that much at least.
Thank you! I went in with deep prayers that I wouldn’t be bitchy or fall prey to an all our fight. He goaded me a couple of times but I was prepared within myself. Now I can move forward to whatever the future holds. I feel really good about how it went down.
Well, I ended it totally with him tonight. I told him I just wanted to come get my stuff and move on. He was hem hawing around with me and I couldn’t get a straight answer from him. When I got there he had all my stuff packed up and ready, wouldn’t look at me and when I said we’d had a lot of good times together he said I was the one who ended it. I was polite and gathered my stuff. I asked about him being with anyone else while we were together and he said definitely not. What a relief! I don’t think he expected what I did, but he brought it on himself. He doesn’t see it, but I do. I could tell he was upset but he’ll have to figure it out. I’m a little sad after investing so much in him, but relieved it’s over. Don’t know what the future will bring but it’ll come as it is.
I’m still forming it in my mind. He’s making it easier and easier by not answering my questions or responding in much of any way. Said he’d text me back last night about when he’ll get the money he owes me to me. I don’t know what he’s up to but it’s not good and he keeps putting me off. I finally said “I don’t know what’s up but could you please answer my text.” Said he’d get back to me and hasn’t yet. I’m thinking he’s putting off the talk we need to have. I may need to just drop in so I can get my stuff.
What to say to him? Something like, “I’m glad we had this time together. We’ve had a lot of good times together. I’m sorry it’s gone this direction, but it’s for the best. I just need to get my things and hope we can remain friendly. I’m looking for something more long term and now realize that can’t be with you. I hope you can find peace in your life and happiness. Thank you for the wonderful time we had together. “
That’s if he’ll even let me say something when I go over. If he won’t invite me to come get my stuff, I’ll drop by when I know he’s home, quietly say what I need to, and grab my things. I’ve tried to lay it to rest with him but he’s not cooperating well. At least I tried before my next date with my new guy. In my mind I’ve done the best I could and emotionally let go. It’s good for me to let go whether he wants to or not. I’m absolutely done with him and moving on to wherever my life takes me. I still need to ask if he compromised my body by being with anyone else physically. I may not get an answer but will tell him he owes me the respect I deserve and should at least honor and answer my question. If he doesn’t, I guess I know the answer and will get tested before being with anyone else.Thanks! I’m staying grounded no matter what!!!!! He’s just as cautious and I appreciate that. He “interviewed “ me last night, asking all kinds of questions. We talked about mutual respect, patience, what I’m looking for, what he’s looking for, wants and needs, etc.
He told me he cooks and cleans and well takes care of the basics, and is looking for a woman who will care for him in other ways. Wants someone who will take care of his physical needs, lol. He knows I’m holding him off on sex and said he’s very patient and will wait till I’m ready. We talked about emotional support and how important it is to have that. He wants little drama which I’m good with. I’ve had enough drama in my life to last a lifetime. Don’t want drama either. I’m waiting to see if he’s really the way he says he is as I know guys say things to hook us in then shift into what they want! So now we get to know each other. Let the fun begin!Thanks so much! I’m actually enjoying my time at home! Alone is fun sometimes, though I’m a real people person and draw energy from being with others. I’ve cleaned my house and I’m putting my Christmas tree up soon, maybe today, if I can get my son to help me get it in and put together. I have a roommate moving in this week who is adorable and sweet and fun. It’ll help both of us with expenses too.
My new friend is gently encouraging me to quit smoking for me and my health. He also suggested I get back to working out to make my replaced hip stronger. Not a control freak who doesn’t like me as I am, just suggesting I do these things for me. I had expressed that I needed to do both of these things and he just encouraged me. He’s very respectful in so many ways. He’s been texting me every day and we’re getting together Tuesday. My other guy hasn’t contacted me for several days and I’ve left him alone. I will have a kind talk with him this week and get my stuff at his house. I’m sure we can remain friends of some kind or at least friendly because I will handle it gently, but I’m truly done with any other notions about him and me.
I went to reread my new friend’s Tinder profile because I liked it so well and it’s gone. I’m thinking he deactivated his account which feels good. However, I’m not putting all my eggs in his basket just yet. Not until there’s some kind of commitment from both of us. I may go out with other guys or not. I’m keeping some eggs at home for me! Gonna take it easy for awhile. It feels like a good beginning all the way around. Not like I don’t have enough to keep me busy! And my fur babies are loving having me home as much as possible. They’re curled up on my lap right now, lol.
Also, I’m going to journal my adventures and focus myself in my writings. I keep a lot of that in my phone but it’s always therapeutic to hand write. Doing prayer and meditation and lots of piano to keep grounded. For me. I’m recording a song I wrote for the guy who died so I can publish it and put it out there for his family and friends and anyone else who might like to hear it. That’s exciting!
So I really am taking care of myself and loving it!BTW, my guy who had cancer passed away last week. We made our peace several weeks ago I wrote a song about when he first found out he had cancer again. I’m recording and publishing it so everyone who loved him can enjoy it.
Heidi, you’re exactly right and I came to that conclusion after I re-read what I wrote, lol. I’m happy with myself and am not going to settle for someone who doesn’t fulfill me and my REAL desires. I’m not so angry at my guy I’ve been seeing. He’s just being who he is. Am hoping to end it on a friendly note.
You’ve given me good thoughts on what to say to him. It’s exactly the direction I was heading. He really has done some wonderful things for me! Even with the weird moments, he let me be myself and has accepted me for me. I’m grateful for that! I still haven’t been able to have a face to face with him and I know I need that to lay to rest whatever I need to.
As for the new guy, even when I was with the new guy I realized how much I have to deal with before I can move on. I’m loving myself and going slow. It was wonderful to cuddle but we don’t know each other on any deeper level yet. Though it’s flattering to be sought after, I realize that no one can fulfill me except myself. He’s sweet and kind and we’re texting, but it takes time to see if we really mesh and could be good together. I’m sorting my heart out and not putting all my eggs in ANY basket! My son and brother help keep grounded and realistic. They kindly remind me to take it easy and enjoy what’s there but not to get over involved thinking it’s “the One!”I’m working on being healthy and finding fulfillment with myself. I’m a whole woman who doesn’t need a guy.
I also realized that it’s not fair to expect any other person to be my soulmate until we get there! I don’t know what the future holds but will live in the day and enjoy what or who I draw into my circle of life.
I’ll probably have a few dates with a few guys just for fun.
When I wrote that I was still giddy from our date lol.
I’ll put things to rest with my former guy and slow down the heartstrings for awhile. I need to center and focus myself. But a bit of fun along the way will refresh my soul.
I also realized I need to keep my head on. Not ready to move into a LTR at this point, though we may head that way eventually. And, until and unless there’s some promise from the person I choose to spend time with (if that’s what I want), I’m going to keep other doors open and enjoy the ride!
I’m realizing, not only in my head, but my heart too, that I still am healing from not only my guy I’ve been seeing, but from years of the energy I’ve let get sapped out of me. I don’t want to react to guys in the future, but rather create a healthy place for me and decide what that means for me and me alone. Then in time I will attract what’s right for me.
I see these relationships I’ve had as stepping stones toward a growing awareness of who I’m becoming. Opening my own universe a step at a time.
My life has changed so dramatically since my divorce because I stepped out into my own world, out of the box I let myself be captured in. It’s a fun journey with trials and tribulations but an adventure! I’m looking forward to seeing what the future will bring my way, especially as I get more healthy and self-loving. 💕I realized a couple days ago that I’m really tired of the BS I’ve put up with from him and other guys I’ve been with. Tired of bending beyond my comfort zone. I’m looking for a real relationship where there’s give and take, respect for me and my values, someone who wants me for who I am and isn’t afraid to be in a solid relationship. I’m not settling any more. I don’t think he’ll be ready for that any time soon.
How to tell him? I’ll figure something appropriate and kind but honest. The crowning blow besides him telling me we’re not in a relationship of any kind was when, that same night, I took him milk, he used it to fix supper, I helped myself to what he made, and he said “what are you doing? That’s my food.”
I was dumbfounded that I had brought ingredients and he didn’t even want to share. He grudgingly let me have some and I calmly ate, but it was uncomfortable and weird to say the least. Not the first time that’s happened, but I overlooked it knowing how he is.
The more I think about it the madder I get. But I’m over it now. Just not really interested in living with this kind of behavior. It’s selfish and rude.
After that thought process, I made my decision not to settle anymore! I finally have clarity and know I’m done with accepting less than kind, respectful behavior. I’m also not going to be involved in a lopsided (non) relationship. Now that my attitude and direction have shifted I can focus on more important things. Like taking better care of ME.
I had a lovely date last night with a respectful man who told me never to settle. We had great conversation, he bought my dinner, we cuddled (how I’ve missed that), talked, kissed and I went home. He’s already texted me this morning and seems interested in meeting again. He’s a man of faith, which is important to me, open minded, independent, but would like a woman in his life. We connected on so many levels. He doesn’t do or accept BS. There was nothing we couldn’t openly discuss. Wow! Where did he come from?
I told him no sex yet. His response? “I don’t have sex, I make love.” To which I smiled and said, “then no making love till there is love.” He said that takes time and I said “exactly, but it’ll be worth your wait!”
He feels like a potential soul mate but time will tell. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy life and be who I am.I’m being amazingly silent now. Not good but I’m biding my time. We’ve texted occasionally but he’s not very conversational. Wasn’t before but now it’s less. Im guessing he didn’t like our previous conversations. Im finding fun things to keep busy, and if he asks, I tell him very briefly what I’m doing. Concerts, playing at my favorite pub, spending quality time with my son, etc. I only respond when he contacts me, but that’s going to slow down now. He can chase me for awhile and if he doesn’t, I know it’s not meant to be. It was fun while it lasted. I still don’t know if it will turn around but I’m not sure I care anymore. He was sick over the weekend, but even after he was feeling better (told me Sunday morning he was better) but didn’t want company. I’m kinda sad, mad, yet at peace about the whole thing. I’m worth more than to be poorly treated and won’t tolerate it. Only he can turn this around, but I may not be waiting when he tries.
Here’s my plan.
Stop pretending like I want the same things as everyone else. Stop pretending that what society thinks I should want is what I actually want. What makes me happy is going to be unique.
(Me: YES YES YES!!! I want to do this for my guy and help him feel like a success in his life!
I’m going to encourage him in his dreams and desires: To be whatever he wants to be and let him be the King he deserves to be.
The little things matter. Taking the trash out and walking me to the car. Fixing my radio. Respecting him and his boundaries. Enjoying his company and lifting him up with whatever he dreams up for adventure and fun and meaning in his life.
Ask questions leading, not to us, but for his life and what his achievements are. All the amazing things he’s done and where he is going. Make it to include my dreams and desires, but in a soft, feminine way.
Tell him how much I appreciate his outlook on life and survival. Finances. He’s shown me how to live on a budget. Share my financial difficulties and how he’s helped me see it can be done without losing everything. He really is my hero!
James, thanks for your encouraging words and the link helped refocus me. I do many of the things it suggested and picked up a few tips too! I think we’re well on our way to some version of his words “we are what we are.” We’ll see where it goes from here. I’m a pretty laid back,cool chick and I’m learning how not to control others! I’ve done well on my learning curve and for the most part take things in stride. All that being said, I’m taking control of myself and my own space and figuring out what I will or won’t tolerate. Then it’s my move once I get this squared away in my mind. I appreciate all the help you and your team have given me. It’s been incredibly eye opening and helpful!
