Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Rachael,
I am not sure what you are posting about and the details of your situation. Do you have a question we can help you with?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
You are absolutely correct! Accepting it does not mean you are healed….you cannot heal until you accept it, so it is an essential part of healing. You are on the right track.
Of course you tighten and feel sick when you get attention! You have some fresh, very serious wounds. It’s like you had this incredibly large gash on your body. It takes time to heal. It takes the right kind of people who know how to help you heal something that traumatic. It means making sure ALL the infection is out before you get sewn back up. That’s why I recommend healing BEFORE dating again. People that hop right back into relationships or dating…they are trying to sew up that gash WITHOUT clearing out the infection first. Down the road, there will be consequences for that choice. So again, you are heading down a good path! There will be days that are easier than others. That is VERY NORMAL and TEMPORARY!!! Each time that wave hits, have the strength to ride the wave instead of fight it. Feel everything you need to feel. You can journal, you can talk about it, you can talk into a digital recorder, you can scream and hit a pillow, you can put on some music that matches how you feel and dance out your emotions. The goal, no matter what you choose, is to take that energy of the emotions you are feeling and transform them into something else. The more often you do that, the easier it will become. You will learn, very quickly that YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS! They are just a product of a situation and you have complete control of what you want to do with them. They only exist because of the thoughts and feelings you are having about the situation, so that’s why getting them out of your mind and expressing them in a safe, healthy way, is a powerful skill for you not to become a surfer when the waves hit vs. drowning in the water.
I’m sorry this hurts so much. DO NOT judge yourself for what you feel. It just is what it is. There are a lot of variables that influence why we react to situations the way we do. The most important part is dealing with what is happening for you now, WITHOUT JUDGMENT!!! We all have reactions that seem like a waste of energy, but it shows up in our lives regardless….and always has a lesson, therefore it is never a waste. The BIGGEST gift you get to have out of this, is learning how to strengthen your resilience….learning new skills of how to handle intense emotions….learning forgiveness for yourself and him….learning to love yourself through this situation…..all of these skills are being strengthened right now. You never know….this situation may be preparing you for something hard in your life down the road…and because you strengthened and became more resilient, you will better be able to handle it.
Keep breathing! One day at a time….and soon, when you find the love for yourself instead of the judgment, the waves will lessen. Soon…you will have more happy days than sad. It’s just going to take some time. You will get there!
Keep connecting with us! We are here to help you through this!
Modupe! Oh my goodness! It is so great to hear from you again!
First, congrats on the new job starting in September! I bet that makes you feel so much better, especially since your business is not turning out how maybe you thought it would. I wish you the best in your new adventures!
And Modupe…I say this with a very kind heart….you have made up your own version and story about how this guy is feeling this entire time. You said he had a girlfriend, yet you had no proof. You say he is not interested, yet you really have no proof. I still am not convinced. You know why? Because the entire time, YOU put out a TON of signals that would lead anyone to believe you had not a single interest in this guy. You made a few attempts to express how you felt, but you have been so uncomfortable in your own skin that I imagine anyone would be confused, by your actions, as to how you felt. You keep saying that you do not understand why this or that…you have read into every single word he has said, every action he has taken, every movement he has made…and turned it into your own story about how he feels. You are doing this because you would rather believe that made up story than to go find out for real…because you are so terrified that your story is true….AND you would be terrified if you were wrong as well. What if he did like you? What if he would go meet with you for drinks? What would you do then? And if he didn’t have feelings for you, you would feel no worse than how you feel at the moment.
Man…my heart just goes out to you. I get it. Fear can be paralyzing! You say that you have never experienced rejection and humiliation to this level, but reality is, he actually has never rejected you. YOU have rejected you. This fear of yours is so big that it is stopping you from finding out HIS truth. You would rather feel rejected and humiliated according to the truth you have made up for him.
What I want to encourage you to do is to stop with the story. Stop reading into everything he is saying and how he is saying it. I know that soooo many times I have responded to emails and texts very short and abrupt because I was in a hurry. I had a guy once who decided to tell me how rude I was and he ended up making up this whole story about what I was feeling when I wrote that text to him. MY REALITY was that I was in my car at a light and the it turned green and I had to go. It is soooooo easy to misunderstood through technology!!!!
I want to encourage you to still work on letting go of this obsession, as obsession is not healthy on any level….as you already know. The reason it hurts so much is because of the story you are putting on the experience. If you work on letting him go and but put the truth at the core…it may help you let go easier. The truth is…you just have not had the courage to be authentic with him. And that’s okay. THAT IS THE STORY!!! THAT IS THE ONLY STORY HERE!! So when you process the loss of him, it is about you, not him. It is about you rejecting yourself, not him rejecting you. it is about your relationship with this fear and obsession, not about him at all. He just happens to be the main character in your story….an innocent bystander!
So I want to bring you back to this….love yourself….accept that you have this GIANT fear that you have been working in and facing little bits at a time…you kick ass for doing that! You could not ask for more from yourself. With this guy, you were not able to muster up the courage to be straight up with him…so what! There will be another guy you will get to practice on and do better with. This entire situation has been such a gift for you and I know that. That’s why you are not a failure, your humiliation and feeling rejected should also be paired with how brave you are for signing up for this forum. How brave you are for being vulnerable with me and Kanya. How brave you are to take our guidance and actually work on yourself, learn about yourself and keep fighting for more in your life. To me…that is worth a million bucks!!! You are doing things you have never done before and at some point…you will show up differently with a man.
For some reason, this book came to mind. Actually this one story in particular. The book is called “Unstoppable” By Cynthia Kersey. It’s a handful of stories of people, of no significance, and how they changed the world, their community, their lives with ALL the odds stacked against them. It’s an INCREDIBLE book actually. Anyways, there was one story in there about an old guy who wanted to be an attorney, but he was such a HORRIBLE test taker that he couldn’t pass the bar exam. He knew the law forwards and backwards…better than anyone else, but he just couldn’t pass the test. I cannot remember how many times he took the test, but it was sooooooo many times. Finally, YEARS later, he passed. I definitely am doing the story justice, but my point being…is that certain issues…in each of our lives….are going to take longer to get some movement and growth. If you decide you want to master something…you will! So even if this situation did not turn out how you wanted, you will get to practice again….and again….and again….maybe even with him…who knows!
What are your thoughts? I want to hear!
So good to hear from you Modupe!
Heidi
Hi Madeline!
Thank you for writing in and trusting us with your challenge. I am actually HIGHLY impressed that you were honest about your intentions. That took a lot of strength. Your guilt is about you judging yourself for your choices and not being in alignment with the kind of person you deep down would like to be….yes?
I would like to encourage you to find another way to be resourceful. I am sure some part of him knows that you need his money. No man will respect, nor really care about your needs as long as he feels you are using him for his money…even if you have feelings for him more than that.
I understand you are in a hard place right now, so what if you approached this differently. What if he did not exist? What if he died in a car accident a week ago. What would you do? You can quit the program. You can maybe go talk to someone in administration to see if they have any scholarship or financial aid opportunities. I do not know what kind of program you have signed up for, but if this is something you really want to do, find a way to make it happen on your own. You will respect yourself more and IF he cares about you at all and interested in something further with you, he will respect you and see your ability to be resourceful, independent and determined to make something happen that seems completely impossible. I imagine that would feel pretty amazing for you!
Is this something you are open to trying? I’m sure this is not quite the answer you are looking for. I get it! I have been completely strapped for cash at different points in my life. It’s really easy during those times to be the kind of person, that deep down, you really don’t want to be, but you feel the situation calls for it. I have lived enough life and faced more challenges than you can imagine and I can tell you…that once you decide to make something happen that you really want, you CAN make it happen and still feel good about how you went about it. You are feeling guilty for a reason…a part of you does not like that you need him to rescue you and that you need him to help you get out of your tough spot. A part of you does not like that you need to use him. So make a different choice. This school program, if you really want to make it happen, CAN happen. Maybe not in this moment….you may need to quit the program for now, but you can always go back when you have earned the money in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. That will carry you much further in life!
Lastly, I do want to honor your choice though as your life is your own design. I would not text him the “I need your help” kinda thing. He probably knows you need his money for something…I’m not sure if you have already asked him directly for the money. A text of that nature will most likely not pull him back to you. It’s hard to guide you as you have not given much detail about your situation. I am hoping he is single. Maybe you don’t even know that information. Regardless, he might respond more to a compliment. Maybe try reminding him of what you miss about him or what you liked about him or how he made you feel when you were together. But I would keep it super light. He is not responding to you which may mean he has moved on and if all you guys were, was casual, he may not have that much of an investment in the idea of you. So when you do text, keeping it light, simple and carefree will give you the best shot possible. Here would be an example, “Hey John! I thought of you yesterday because I ended up driving past that ice cream parlor we went to a few times….and I remembered when you very surprisingly smothered my face with your chocolate ice cream. That was such a great moment and it made me laugh. That was a really fun day! I’m glad I got to have that with you. Just thought I would share that. I hope you are doing well! Take care.” It will help him remember this same moment with warm feelings, which may inspire him to at least respond. Who knows where it will go from there.
I wish you the best in your journey Madeline. If you need any more help or have a different question, let us know! We can be pretty resourceful on here 🙂
Heidi
Oh Cara, I am so sorry! That hurts pretty deep. Of course you are on a rollercoaster! It’s quite the illusion of him being “in love.” He may seem happy, but a person who has that kind of baggage…well, they have a limit as to how happy they can really be. I’m sure you have had a gazillion thoughts of feeling horrible that “SHE” can make him happy and you couldn’t. I’m sure all kinds of low self esteem thoughts are running ramped in your mind.
First, it’s okay that you went looking for more proof. Sometimes we need that to remind us of the pain. And that pain is necessary actually. That pain is reminding you of his choices not to fight for himself. That pain is reminding you that you don’t want to go through this again. That pain is reminding you to have caution and boundaries. Many times we will forget because we would rather love and have hope. So finding more prof, I think is a good reminder for you. And unfortunately, the pain needs to be so intense that you remember the reality of the situation vs. the potential.
And you are strong Cara! Of course there are moments where you will feel about as strong as a spaghetti noodle. Those moments are actually what makes you strong. To me…strength is more about resiliency. Strength is more about a person’s ability and CHOICE to stand back up after they have been knocked down. THAT IS TRUE STRENGTH! Many people (your husband included) take the route of avoiding the pain to stand back up. What you are choosing takes an incredible amount of courage and strength. You are not running. You are feeling what you need to feel. You are making clear choices about the kind of person you want to be for you and for your son. Strength is not always about not falling…it’s also about falling and then getting back up. So keep that definition in mind. You are doing a great job with being honest with yourself and creating a clearer vision of who you want to be. Even if you don’t feel like forgiving him, you say the words anyways. Each time you hurt, you say, “Even though I am hurting and feel so worthless right now, I forgive him for his choices.” You are going to have to make that choices thousands of times because you will hurt again and again and again until you decide to create a different design for yourself.
And listen Cara, NO ONE can tell you when you are done with this relationship. A million people could here your story and tell you to shut the door and go the other direction. Yes…that would probably be the healthiest decision for you, but at the same time….there are many gifts here that you get to learn along the way. You may need to feel more rejection and hurt before you are done. You may need to still hold onto hope for awhile longer…and that’s okay! Let yourself be EXACTLY where you are at. Accepting that will allow you much more freedom to move forward and grow vs. trying to force yourself to do something you are not ready for. Your main focus is to take care of yourself. Keep working on strengthening your inner self. Here are some tips:
1. Watch movies with a strong heroin. I love Under the Tuscan Sun or G.I. Jane (don’t laugh!) or The Holiday. The purpose is to watch women do what you need to do….they fall and then get back up. It helps to “program” you to be able to do the same! Plus it’s a good brain break for a few hours.
2. It’s important to hear other voices than your own. I LOVE Brene Brown. She has a ton of you tube videos that are SPOT ON about healing, growth, relationships etc. She is such a great speaker and funny too! Watch her videos for encouragement. She also has a handful of workshops / books / events that maybe you could get involved with. Here is a video that may help you a bit…lots of wonderful concepts in here! https://youtu.be/mDS5bqvOlhc
3. Get a gratitude journal. Spend just 5 minutes each day and focus solely on what you DO have and instead of what you don’t have.
4. Go and have some fun! Maybe find a dance class, go paint a mug at an art store, go for a hike somewhere beautiful, ask a friend out to a comedy show. The more you laugh, the more you fill your life up with things that feed your soul, the easier this will be to get through. It will keep you from sinking deep and drowning in those intense emotions all of the time. You, of course, will still have those moments, but you will be able to pull out of them sooner when you have some help with fun activities.
5. Learn something new. Maybe a new language, learn how to sail, learn about ways to exercise with your son, learn about plants…who knows! Find something that has peaked your curiosity and run with it! Give it some energy and go for it!
6. Look up EFT or TFT on you tube. These are tapping techniques that are brilliant! So many times when I have been in high emotion, I start to do the tapping and my emotions calm down enough to where I feel more grounded. Sometimes I have to tap a gazillion times and it takes a day or 2 and sometimes it helps immediately….but be persistent. Tap until you start to feel a shift into feeling lighter. Sometimes the trigger is so deep and so intense it takes awhile for your system to shift.I’m glad you are leaving soon and will be able to get out of the environment you are in. I hope you will get to clear your head, relax more and just be yourself without having to worry about your husband being around or discovering new evidence etc.
Keep going Cara. No matter how this turns out, your job is to focus on YOUR journey and how to become more healthy through this. If the process is your goal, there is no failure. It’s the process that will change you, NOT THE END RESULT!
Please keep us updated when you can! I love hearing from you!
This is some great stuff Emma! Good job! thank you for sharing…that is a lot of pressure you had to deal with. Make sure you are kind with yourself when you “fail.” That’s the first rule of thumb….otherwise you are just putting yourself right back where you started in childhood…loving yourself through your mishaps, challenges and limitations is a lifelong skill you get to practice.
Let’s talk about this need for perfection. I understand it is a strong drive in you. Would you maybe be willing to also look at it as a gift? A very NATURAL and instinctive part of who you are? Here is the truth…anyone’s greatest strength is always their greatest weakness. Your drive for perfection I’m sure has served you well in this life. I’m sure it has gotten you to places that you otherwise would never have known. Besides…each kid responds differently to the pressures we perceive. We end up responding according to our personality, our gifts and abilities. Another kid would have responded entirely different to your parents. She may have responded by becoming rebellious and not excelling at anything, she may have responded by becoming introverted and shy and a complete co-dependent saying yes to anyone and everyone….you responded by becoming driven and seeking perfection…which if you really think about it, is one of the best ways you could have responded because at least in the real world, being driven is a valued and encouraged quality. Your drive is something you were born with and was the way you responded to the stress in life and will be something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. It will serve you and get you places AND it will hinder you.
I get it though. I deal with exactly the same thing! My need for perfection is intense sometimes. I know that in my serious relationships, every single guy said 1 common thing…they felt like they couldn’t keep up with me…that they wanted me to just slow down and enjoy the flowers. I had such a high drive to have the “perfect” relationship that I was always working on myself and I wanted them to do the same. But as soon as something got better, I was looking at the very next thing that needed to get better. I couldn’t just relax and let things be okay. I will always have to deal with that side of myself, but over time, I have learned to immediately recognize it, I have learned to communicate and teach someone I am with how to hold me accountable when they see that in me, I have learned to also just be okay with it. I completely accept that this part of me will never go away as it is a characteristic I was born with. So when I feel it start to raise in intensity in a negative way, it’s my immediate job to start looking at what is triggering it, what thoughts and beliefs am I saying to myself and how can I love myself through this moment. The sooner I start that process, the better…because then I catch it before it becomes more and more intense and can do real damage. That is what you are supposed to do with all you have learned. Embrace it, understand the source and develop a skillset to help you work through it better for next time. And that takes time and practice, but any man worth their salt will have patience with you….we all have our low self esteem and it shows up in various ways. As long as you work with it and love yourself through it…you ARE being “perfect.”
As far as you being afraid you will fall into the same “trap”, it’s okay! You are going to be afraid and you ARE going to fall into that pattern again. It is a given. It’s the only way we learn.
Here is one of my favorite books called the 5 chapter book….it is an incredible way to describe the steps of us learning about our unhealthy patterns and limitations and our progress…or lack thereof. (the hole represents your need for perfection or what you call the trap)
Chapter 1: you are walking down the street and fall in the hole
Chapter 2: you are walking down the street, SEE the hole and fall in anyways
Chapter 3: you are walking down the street, see the hole and walk around it
Chapter 4: you are walking down the street, see the hole then cross the street
Chapter 5: you don’t walk down that street at allEmma…be patient with yourself. This is a process. You are hanging out at chapter 2 right now. As you learn, forgive (yourself, your parents, your nephew) and develop new skillsets, you will graduate to chapter 3, then 4, then 5. I have graduated to chapter 5 many times with my perfection issue, then sometimes, a certain situation will show up and I am back at chapter 2. Oh well! That’s okay….I am able to hang out in chapter 5 much more often than I used to, so I consider that great progress!
Remember as you go through this, getting rid of your low self-esteem and not falling into that “trap” is just a small part of the process. The REAL focus is…how do you love yourself when you do fall into that trap? How do you talk to yourself? How do you get out of the trap? How do you recognize the trap before it shows up? So it’s not about learning to stick the info you have learned and then you will be right to go…because honestly, that will NEVER happen…there will ALWAYS be something to work on and get better at….YOU ARE ENOUGH RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE WORTH CHOOSING AND FIGHTING FOR NOW! But YOU have to believe that if anyone else is going to believe that. Man…I have a gazillion flaws. I know so much about relationships, the psyche, how to heal, how to communicate…I have been studying myself for over 20 years! And you know what? I completely accept that I will have low self esteem forever. I will have lame things about me forever….AND I know that I am an incredible catch regardless. Any guy who gets to experience and feel my love is incredibly lucky and blessed! It’s NOT and ego thing I am saying…it is coming from a place deep inside my heart that I know I am valuable, just because I am and has NOTHING to do with my “performance.” Therefore, this belief helps me set standards as to how I am treated. I, of course, treat them the same in return and REQUIRE my guy to feel the same way about himself! That to me is my version of “perfect.” 2 people that love themselves, grow and value themselves and then they come together COMPLIMENTING each other’s lives, NOT completing each other’s holes that exist.
Does this help you create a more clear perspective and how to move forward with yourself?
Again…thank you for sharing! I am honored to be a part of your process!
Heidi
Emma! What great insights you have had! I love hearing all of that! You will be so much better next time!
You didn’t do anything “wrong.” You were doing the best you knew how and it’s not until we actually wake up to our patterns that we can actually shift or change anything. Next time you will do better AND you will still mess up. Instead of using the works “right” or “wrong”, use the phrase “less or more effective.” It helps A LOT with your psyche. For example, “I was being less effective when I chose the wording that I did when we argued.” “I hope to be more effective when we get back together.” I know this may seem petty, but “right” or “wrong” creates judgment on yourself…and that just activates low self esteem by telling yourself that you are being good or bad when really…even in those “bad” or “wrong” moments, there is still a gift in it for you….so those kinds of moments are teaching moments, therefore they are still effective for you and the person involved….right? So by “less effective or more effective” you are aligning yourself with higher vibrational thinking that does not have judgment in it. Try it out! You would be surprised at how much shifting our words, can shift how we feel.
I’m curious….do you know why you pull people in then push them out? Do you know why you ended up focusing so much on him and losing yourself? What is the root cause of this pattern of yours? Would you mind shared what you are a “little scared” of?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Please keep sharing and asking questions!
Heidi
Hi Emma!
I’m glad you are getting a little response from him. I want to slow you down a bit. My biggest concern is from what you said earlier about the connection going really well when you were the damsel in distress….and that he is always good at coming to your rescue. I really want to emphasize that it is not a healthy pattern for your relationship to function off of…that kind of stuff works great for a period of time, but if it’s the only way to get him to connect with you….if it was when things were best between you guys…that raises a caution flag for me. He was saying something pretty important to you when he said that maybe things could work out if you guys matured a bit more. That is an important thing to pay attention to, if you want to get him back AND have it last this time.
A healthier, long lasting, sustainable relationship is when 2 people know how to take care of themselves…yes, our partner is there to help when needed, but reality is….there will be many times in life that our partner will not be able to be there when we need them. What do you do then?? That’s why when you are single, it’s a GREAT time to practice and develop this skillset. Learning how to handle your emotions better, learning forgiveness, developing your skills, digging deep into your limitations to understand them better…being single is a wonderful self learning time!
What I would like to encourage you to do, is to do more soul searching about the patterns you participated in with him that were not so healthy. Then begin to work on those patterns. I truly would hate to see you get his attention back only to fall back into the same pattern as before. You will end up right back where you are now.
As far as responding to him, I would just keep it really simple. The more you are a tad unavailable, the more he will be interested. So reply by saying something like, “Hi! Good to hear from you 🙂 No…I have not seen a folder. Is there any particular place I might need to look?” This keeps it super light, creates a question which requires a bit more interaction and he gets to have an easy exchange with you. That is so important if he is going to feel comfortable interacting with you again. Does that make sense? If you give him too much of yourself, he will not get the feeling like he missed something. If you give him just enough but leave him wanting a bit more, THAT is how you create the chase. So do not go overboard in responding. Keep it light, simple and sweet….AND SHORT!!!
I hope this ends up working out for you guys. I hope that during this time apart, you really begin to work on the patterns that were not so healthy with him. That way…if you do get back together, it will be healthier and have a better chance at lasting!
Keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
I have to say…it is an incredibly big thing that you were willing to risk with him considering what happened when you were 23. Big events change our lives and can impact us forever in a negative way if we choose to let it. By risking with the guy, despite your low self esteem and not believing love was for you….good job! I’m sad that it hasn’t worked out in your favor…at least in this very moment….but what you did find out about yourself is that you are strong enough to handle it. You are strong enough to risk, you are strong enough to believe love CAN be for you!!! You deserve some serious kudos for that!
It’s a pretty normal thing to not believe in that powerful, limitless, nourishing love….especially for yourself. There are not a ton of role models out there (except in the movies) plus you add into that past traumas and experiences. I truly believe that each person has the right and ability to have and experience the kind of love they imagine. But like anything of quality or high vibration, you have to fight for it. That means forgiving, that means learning to love yourself deeper and deeper, that means learning to live in the moment, that means facing your fears. Each time you do these things, it raises your vibration which will attract a man who can match you there. So as you heal, you will be attracted to and also attract a man who is more healed. This by no means, happens overnight…it’s a process. By making a decision to love yourself enough to not go through this rejection anymore….THAT is healing. THAT is raising your vibration. THAT is setting a standard as to how you are treated.
I’m really proud of you for making this tough decision and really looking at the truth about what is going on inside of yourself. If there is anything else we can do to help, please ask away! We are here to support you!
Heidi
Hi Melissa!!
Wow! You have been through a lot! You are doing an incredible job! I just want to address your very good questions real quick:
Are there phases? Yes there are phases….they have different names, depending on what expert you are learning from. To me, all that matters is that I feel whatever I need to feel, I honor, respect and ACCEPT exactly where I am at and I will know when I am complete and finished my phases when I can think about that person that hurt me and feel indifferent. That’s how I keep checking to see if I am still carrying around any negative feelings. If I think about that person and I am able to freely and easily wish them the best AND there is not even a grain of sand feeling of hurt or negativity, THEN I did it….I have completed my process. Does this make sense?
YES!!!! It’s okay to be okay to be single! Goodness! I find so many people want the Band-Aid solution so they advise going out and getting distracted by other people. What you are doing is amazing! Trust yourself! Learning to be alone again is going to take time. Learning to be single and being okay to be single is part of what makes you a better partner in life! Having the strength to be alone and feel everything you need to feel is THE HEALTHIEST way to go about healing….if you decide to become distracted, that process will only take longer.
DO NOT focus on your age. I am not old, but not young either and not married. No matter what the statistics are, they don’t matter to me. I am happy and completely okay being single. I am not going to spend my precious time and energy worrying about getting too old for my chances of marriage. I have standards and I know what I want. When it shows up and I am inspired, then great! Until then, it is my job to be happy, find peace, BE IN THE PRESENT moment and enjoy my life…and while I have this time to myself, I work on my limitations so that when this guy shows up at some point, I have the least amount of baggage possible so he doesn’t have to deal with it!!! And that is what you need to keep your attention on. Trust your process!!!
Hopefully this will bring you more comfort! You are doing an incredible job and taking the road less traveled. Well done!
Heidi
Hi Sandra!
Man…this sucks for you! There is nothing more difficult than to have an incredible connection, a great friendship and getting to feel love….but there is 1 thing standing in the way…and that is the person’s fear. uuuugggghhh!!! It is sooo frustrating! It’s sad really. When so many wonderful things are there…the potential is there, but when they won’t say “yes”, I am sad to say there is not much you can do except let go.
You can provide all the space he needs, you can be the most caring, loving, accepting and best person for him, but in the end, the fear that is in him is so big that only HE can deal with. He either has to face it or let it control his life. Someday he may be ready.
For right now, he is out of work (a man out of work is completely unavailable!!! it hits them at the very core with their need to be “the provider” so this is not surprising that he doesn’t feel like he is good enough for a relationship right now) and like you said, he has some past wounds that seem to be contributing to how his life is designed. Let him go.
I say this to you because what is in him is deep rooted. The fear he is dealing with is not for YOU to fix or show him otherwise. He has got to learn how to face his fears and find out he is going to be okay. He has had the chance to risk with you, but he has said very clearly….no. He doesn’t want a relationship….at least not for right now. You need to listen to him instead of trying to change him. He is who he is right now. I imagine if you had a girlfriend telling you the same exact story, you might be inclined to tell her to say goodbye.
I say this because the amount of hurt and rejection you are constantly facing with this guy is not healthy for you. I understand so many things are wonderful with him, but truth be told, only part of your relationship is great. The other part…the part where you go through challenges TOGETHER…the part where you have good communication and agreement to work through the sticking points TOGETHER….the part where there is a solid commitment to each other….NONE OF THAT EXISTS. So I am so sad to say that all you really have is potential with him. You are building this amazing ideal of a guy but only remembering and focusing on when things are good. If you are going to look at someone, you must see them for ALL THAT THEY ARE….he is showing you, very clearly, that he is afraid and he is the kind of guy who isn’t willing to face that fear. Maybe it’s just not the right time for him to do that….maybe he is just that kind of guy who doesn’t do that sort of thing (grow and face the challenges in his life). So when you build this “ideal relationship with him” in your head, you MUST include the not so pretty side as well. When you can look at the WHOLE (the good, the bad, the ugly) and then STILL be able to say….”YES!!! this guy is amazing and worth fighting for! We have an incredible relationship and I am excited to share my life with him.”
You can only say something like that when the guy feels the same in return….when he is on the same page. Otherwise, your feelings are based on just how YOU feel and not how he feels.I want to encourage you to also look at what is going on in you, that you would stay connected and hand your heart over to a guy who doesn’t want it….and has very clearly said he doesn’t want it….and you still keep trying to convince him, through various techniques, that he DOES want it. This is where YOUR limitation is showing up. He is afraid to love and that is his journey. You are wanting to love him so badly that you are handing your heart over to a guy who doesn’t want to take care of it….that is your journey. I invite you to look at that on a deeper level. What is driving you to do this? What are you wanting from him that you are not willing to give to yourself?
It’s time for you to start choosing yourself over him. It’s time for you to stop allowing yourself to be hurt and rejected by him. Protect your heart! It is the most valuable thing you have!!!! There will be another guy, that at some point will be so happy, have not an ounce of hesitation and would be absolutely willing to join with you on a romantic journey. You just have to be willing to fight for that! Are you willing?
Heidi
Hi Maria!
I wanted to check in and see how everything went. Did you end up seeing him? How are you feeling? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Janja!
Thank you so much for sharing!!! This is great! You sound like a super cool gal to hang out with.
I want to direct you a little deeper now. I know it feels impossible to find the kind of guy that matches you well, but it isn’t impossible. You know how there is a famous saying, “you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself?” There is not a single situation in my life where that has not been true. And I have lived long enough and dated PLENTY and been in a love a handful of times to have seen the changes in the kind of guy I attracted to me….When I was in my 20’s…man….messy messy! All I was attracted to was the bad boy, emotionally unavailable kind of guy…and I was very good at getting their initial attention, but what always followed were a bunch of games and insecurities that were exhausting! But I was messy and that is what suited me at the time. Over time I really started to work very deep inside to heal the unhealthy beliefs I had about myself and about men in general. I learned to watch for my unhealthy patterns when they showed up and what to do about it. DO NOT get frustrated with men. They have issues just as you have….remember YOU are the one saying yes to them. If you raised your standards, said no to that kind of mess and only let healthier men come into your life, you would have an entirely different experience and belief about men! Now, I know A LOT of amazing, high quality guys that are so wonderful! But I had to earn the right to be in their presence and vise versa.
Here is a great analogy. Imagine each of us enters this earth as a big beautiful diamond. We are all different shapes, sizes, colors etc., but we all shine bright and beautiful. THEN…life happens. Our parents hurt us, our friends betray us, our lovers stab us in the back etc….each time something hurts us deeply, the low self esteem gets fed and a big glob of sticky tar gets thrown on our diamond. Then life happens again…more sticky tar….and so it continue on and on. As adults, a lot of that tar REALLY shows up when romance enters the picture. The low self esteem, the insecurities, the impulsiveness, the lack of honesty (all exist because of the tar) all come out in some form or another. When it is said, you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself, what that means is that you will be attracted to and match someone who has somewhere around the same amount of tar on their diamond as you do. Does that make sense?? So when you work on forgiveness, healing, acceptance, kindness, generosity of heart, gratitude etc…the more the tar will shrink and become less and less….THEN you will attract a guy who also has less tar on his diamond. Someone who doesn’t have a lot of tar on their diamond WILL NOT be interested, at all, in someone who DOES have a lot of tar. The person with less tar will only be interested in having healthier people around them to support and be likeminded with how they live their life. So your goal is to not focus on how impossible it is to find your ideal guy….YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR IDEAL SELF, through and through, in ALL situations, BEFORE you can find a guy who has less tar that can support the kind of relationship you want.
I want to give you another homework assignment. I want you to create your NON-NEGOTIABLE list:
Now that you know what you want to have, it’s time for you to get clear about what you cannot live without. This list is what I base my decisions on as to who is allowed into my life. This list embodies the qualities I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT in a relationship. They are fundamental to my functioning. If even 1 quality is missing, I will not survive in the relationship. That’s why these are non-negotiable. I could meet the most amazing, beautiful and fun man, but if he is missing a quality on my list, I do not allow him into my life on a romantic level. YES….THAT IS VERY HARD TO DO!!! But I know what I HAVE TO HAVE in a relationship in order for my heart and soul to function and be fed and nourished.
Here are just a few of the things on my list:
1. Romantic
2. Emotionally intelligent and has a natural drive to learn and grow on his own
3. Kind, respectful and a good teammate when he is under stress
4. Good communicator
5. Financially abundant
6. Generous and kind hearted with everyone he meets
7. Authentic
8. Active
9. Loves the mountains: Hiking, canoeing, camping etc.
10. Loves animals
11. Loves being spontaneous and adventurous but also doesn’t mind planning some things out.
12. VisionaryOkay…so my first rule of thumb is this….every single quality on this list, I MUST EMBODY AS WELL. I do not ask for something from someone else, that I am not able to offer myself first. Second rule of thumb, TEST IT OUT!!!!
For example, I used to have on my list, an “athlete” instead of “active.” I thought I needed a guy who played a sport. Then I dated a handful of guys who were just active and I found that was actually okay for me. Also remember that as you change, your list may shift a little. As I have gotten older, my priorities have changed, therefore my list has changed.
This list represents your BASELINE STANDARDS in order for someone to enter into your life on a deeper level….NO EXCEPTIONS!!! Because I am in a phase of no longer dating but only interested in having a serious relationship, my list is at the forefront of my mind at all times. I have tested my list over and over and over, dating all different kinds of guys, so my list is pretty solid by now. When I date, I test the guy against my non negotiable list right from the beginning. And that is what Kanya is talking about when she advises taking things slow and really watching the guy. For example, a question I ask a guy when dating would be, “Tell me about the hardest time you have had in your life….what did you do? how do you feel about that time now?” A question like this gives me a little window into #3 on my list. Remember that dating is about gathering information. If you value your heart as if it is the most precious, rare piece of a diamond in existence, you wouldn’t just hand it over to anyone without making sure that person would care for your heart the way you care for your heart.
So the thing here is, you haven’t really valued your heart that much. You admitted to falling hard and fast which means your heart gets handled by people who don’t know how to care for it really well….and that is YOUR choice….not theirs.
Knowing this is your pattern, your best bet for shifting that pattern so you are able to enjoy the slow process of getting to know someone, is to understand WHY you are so impulsive. What is driving you so fast? What are you wanting to get from them that you are not giving to yourself? Once you identify the source, then you can start to work on healing that area of your life. THAT IS HOW YOU GET THE TAR OFF OF YOUR DIAMOND!!! You don’t get the tar off of your diamond by changing the kind of guy you meet. You set your standards and when you find that you are willing to compromise those standards, YOU IMMEDIATELY pay attention to what is getting in your way. What belief system is in the driver seat causing you to want to settle? What part of you is wanting to sabotage having the kind of relationship that you know is what you need?
I’ve written a lot here, but you seem to be someone really interested in wanting to know yourself better. This, of course, is one of a million ways to go about it, so try it out. I would love to hear your thoughts about this!!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Aura,
I’m glad to hear that you are not taking this too seriously. I want to support what Kanya is advising. It helps a lot to have your attention divided and distracted by other experiences of dating. Those other experiences are amazing at giving you perspective as well as not bombarding 1 guy with all of your attention and desires when he is not ready for that.
I’m sorry you were disappointed about Jame’s magic text not working like you thought. When you are dealing with people and romance and love, theories, techniques, skills are all unpredictable. There are strong patterns, there are techniques that work a lot, but because each person is different, each situation is different, the way the techniques are delivered is different, you just never know how something is going to turn out. I know the magic text technique is actually quite powerful and works most of the time. It may end up working later on down the road when you both are in a different mindset, so don’t negate this technique entirely…keep it in your back pocket for future use!
Keep us updated and keep asking us questions! We are here to help and give you new ideas!
Heidi
Hi Cara!
Wow! Well said! I am soooo honored to have been able to help you find a bit more peace through all of this and validate what you already know inside of yourself. You are INCREDIBLY strong to take this approach, as it is the toughest road, but the road that will yield you the most results and highest rewards. Few people are willing to take this path. It’s a bummer…and it can be quite lonely at times, but let me tell ya, it is worth every bit challenge. It is a road less traveled, but what you get to see, experience and understand about your life is worth a million bucks! The quality of your relationships will sky rocket, the quality of your love and happiness will grow beyond what you even imagined…and most of all, you will give your son an incredible example of what is possible….and you will be able to help him through this life in such a powerful and unique way. My mother was that for me and because she could provide that for me…a path to my deeper self and a ways to heal in healthy ways…the quality of my life and the internal strength I have now…feels absolutely wonderful…and now I get to turn around and help affect hundreds of lives because of it. Your choices have that kind of power!!!!
Your biggest fear is valid. What I want you to focus on is finishing the story. When you stop the sentence at, “What if he is not the one?” Then it leaves you with fear….but what if you said, “What if he is not the one? I will be okay. I will find love again and it will be powerful. I will find happiness, peace and freedom even if he is not the one….because I am that powerful, I am that strong and I can create any kind of experience I wish to have.” Now when you say it like that, it doesn’t seem so scary does it? It sounds empowering. It is truth and truth is strong and unbreakable. Live from the truth and not from the lies of the fear. Every time you have this fear come up, you follow it with the truth!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
I am beyond proud of you. I have a lot of respect for your choices and the strength to focus your energies on your healing. Everything will turn out how it will and no matter what that is, because of your choice to heal first and foremost, you will find the many gifts that are waiting for you!
We are here for you if you need anything else!!!
