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Oh well done! I love that you were able to get a refund! That must have felt good!
Where do you feel like you are getting stuck? What are the specific looping thoughts that are keeping you in pain?
What exactly feels like it’s getting harder? To stay away? To manage your impulse to reach out?
Heidi
Hi Manuela,
I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. It’s a horrible feeling to be partnered with someone who isn’t willing to fight for you and invest in you.
I do have a question though…from what you are telling me, he is only interested in staying connected with you through sex. He doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he doesn’t want to be in your life EXCEPT when he wants to have sex. Are you okay with this?
I will tell you right now, that if you give him what he wants, he will NEVER respect you. Respect is VERY important in any relationship. If you let him completely reject you and use you, how is he ever supposed to become obsessed with you? You are giving him exactly what he wants while not requiring anything from him. Meaning, he doesn’t have to work for anything – and men love to work for things. As long as you give him sex whenever he wants, then he will keep viewing you as someone he can use, someone who is desperate, and someone who has no standards and boundaries.
Is it really that scary for you to just let him go? What about healing and then down the road, open your heart to someone else who truly values you. Is that a possibility?
Heidi
Okay great! If you want to write out your message here, I’m happy to take a look at it and offer feedback.
Is there a way for you to get your money back? Makes sense…making lists and goals is NOT a healing approach. It’s keeping you in your head and NOT dealing with the heart. If she offers a refund for the unused sessions, take back your money. It’s small choices like this, that support your self-love. You STOP doing things that you don’t feel in alignment for you. Why would you spend your time and money working with someone who isn’t really helping you. You are more valuable than that. If she doesn’t offer refunds, maybe you can save those sessions for future use when you are ready to take that kind of approach. Or maybe you can gift those sessions to one of your kids.
Heidi
It’s always a risk to reach out and try start something back up that didn’t work before. All you can do is give it a try and see what happens. You could get completely rejected or a little door may open. Who knows. What you DO know is that you want to try again with him and you need to find out if he is willing.
The way you can start a conversation up again is saying something like, “Hey. It’s been a while since we talked. I was thinking about you yesterday because I saw (fill in the blank – something about cars). It reminded me of how much you love cars and it made me smile. I actually have a question that you might be able to help me with. Is it okay if I call you sometime this week? Hope you are doing well.”
Does this feel okay for you?
Heidi
I think that it’s a good plan to just keep talking with him. Stay away from asking him about the relationship. Just keep building your friendship with him. Let him take the lead. Let HIM be the one to bring up being back together again. If you guys keep talking on the phone, eventually he will want to see you…and then you guys can take it from there. Do not push this. Just be patient. Go slow. He still has strong feelings for you, so the goal is for him to come after you. You stay engaged with him and be responsive to him and that will help build his confidence that you are into him and it will inspire him to want to take things further. Does this make sense?
I do suggest that you get VERY clear about these other guys. If you want to pursue something with Joe, these guys need to be out of the picture, otherwise it can get really messy. You need to focus all of your attention in 1 direction, so let these guys know you are not interested and close the door on connecting with them.
Heidi
I truly celebrate you Cindi. Even though you have a broken heart right now, you are still moving forward and taking better care of yourself. This list is amazing! Every day you are doing something to help yourself. Each day you are making decisions that in support of being the kind of person you want to be. You are being more active, you are adding fun into your life, you are working towards saying goodbye to your cigarettes, you are eating more healthy, and you working with a therapist. Good job good job good job! I especially LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are not getting all wrapped up in what other people think you should be. You are being very accepting of the place you are in right now and honoring that AND you are being honest about that. You are loving yourself Cindi! This is just the beginning!!!
Tell me about the 2 therapists. Are you having a hard time deciding because you like both of them or do you feel you don’t have enough experience with either of them to make the decision?
Heidi
Hi Celia,
I’m not quite clear on what you are wanting help with. It sounds like you want to get back together with Joe and it sounds like he is still interested in that. What is stopping you from disconnecting from these other 2 guys and putting your attention back on Joe? It seems pretty clear to me, so I’m wondering where the confusion is.
Heidi
How you about start by telling me all that is good in your life. I want to know what IS working. Give me a list of 10 things that are going well for you and why.
Even if he said “I hope you are doing okay too” it would give you a temporary “fix” but you would end up right back where you are right now, dealing with the loss of him. He is a drug to your system and you are going through withdrawal.
Are you still working with your therapist? Have you gotten back to your morning routine? Are you doing your mindful practices? You need to be dowsing your system with love and support right now. Yes, it’s hard AND this is the time to focus 100% on your healing and recovery. Like a drug addict, they enter into a program and in their withdrawal phase, they are surrounded by support and have several sessions a day with groups and therapists. So what are YOU doing to support yourself? Are you still tapping? Are you getting out into nature? Are you journaling?
I know you want relief from your pain by looking to HIM to fix you by connecting with you. This will do you no favors. You are sooooo oriented to looking to others for your self esteem and value and that will ALWAYS bring you heartbreak. Now is such a special time for you. It’s a gift for you that he isn’t responding. You are having to face yourself and your dependency on others – I know your big beautiful heart wants to love and be loved in healthy ways….well – this is the ONLY way you are going to get that. You HAVE to face yourself and how you move through the world and how it harms you. Because he is not being your source anymore, you are seeing how empty you feel. You are seeing how much suffering that is causing you. This is not about him, this is about YOU actually getting what you want. You want a healthy love that lasts? You have to love yourself first. You have to be the kind of person who stays empowered instead of always giving your power away to others….especially men. So now is the time for you to start to develop your skillset and improve your self-love. It’s not an easy journey, but you can do it. Instead of focusing on everything that you don’t have, encourage yourself with every single little thing you ARE doing. You NEED to fill yourself back up with YOUR love, not his. So it’s even as small as saying “Good job Cindi. I know you didn’t feel like eating breakfast, but you did it. You are continuing to feed your body and I’m proud of you.” “Good job Cindi. You took a shower. I’m proud of you.” “Good job Cindi, you journaled some. I know this is hard, but you are doing a good job today.” I’m guessing that all you are filling your mind with is criticism and judgement. You will never heal nor feel better by talking to yourself that way. Give yourself 50 compliments today and every single day. Ask your friends or family for reasons they love you or care about you. You are in depression and in survival mode, so you are literally in the emotional ICU and that means taking your emotional health VERY seriously or this could spiral into something more.
Heidi
This is great! You closed the door on one more thing. You returned his stuff. AND…you left a note and sent him a message and learned that he is not responding…still. This is part of why you are still feeling impending doom. You keep reaching out to him hoping that he will care enough about you to want to reconnect. But instead, you are being rejected over and over and over again.
Imagine you had a big gash in your leg. It gets cleaned out and stitched up. But then, you exercise BEFORE it’s healed and the wound re-opens. So you take it easy, get it stitched up again, and then you decide to do some yoga. During the stretching, it re-opens again. Instead of letting your wound heal, you keep doing things that continue to irritate it and prevent it from healing.
Emotional wounds are the same. You cannot heal a broken heart as long as you keep putting yourself in a position of breaking it again…and then again…and then again. As long as you continue to put yourself in a situation where you are getting rejected, “impending doom” will only continue. I’m hoping that you are in enough pain now, that you are finally ready to let go of the fantasy you have created around him and the idea of getting back together with a man who keeps rejecting you.
Again, I understand your desire to reach out. I understand why you keep hoping for something to start back up again. Hopefully you are beginning to truly see that he is no longer interested in connecting with you and that the relationship is over. Once you FULLY and COMPLETELY accept that, you can begin to heal. Keep working at it Cindi! I believe in you.
Heidi
Keep us updated! I think it’s a good start. I hope he responds and is willing to reconnect.
Let’s talk about what’s next. Let’s say he does respond to you reaching out and he starts connecting with you again. What’s important to understand is that you need to have a plan to make sure you don’t step back into the same patterns that broke you guys up in the first place. So how are you going to do this differently? It’s something that is important to discuss with him so you BOTH can work together.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I’m checking in. Thinking about you a lot and sending you a lot of good vibes!!!
Here is a podcast that might resonate for you….I listen to it on Spotify, but I believe it’s also on YouTube….
The podcast is called “Know Thyself” and it’s episode 80 with Kelly Brogan.
What’s happening for you right now? I know you were in a phase of really struggling and wanting to reach out. Although I discouraged that, I’m wondering if you still wrote him a letter and tried to make contact. It’s okay if you did! Lord knows I have done that MANY times, even knowing that what I was doing was just continuing to harm myself. Like I have said before, you might not be in ENOUGH pain to truly let him go. Sometimes it takes several rejections to finally face the loss.
Heidi
Of course you do. The way you reconcile it, is by working with the TRUTH and not the stories you are continuing to allow to run in your system. The more you allow the stories your mind has created from what happened to run rampant in your mind and heart, the more you will suffer. It causes you to disconnect from yourself, it causes you to give your power away to HIM, and it keeps you in pain, because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to reconcile anything from lies.
That’s why it’s good for you to keep coming back here. Read my posts where I’m reminding you of the truth over and over and over and over again. You NEED TO get other voices and perspectives in your system that are full of truth, to counteract the lies that are keeping you stuck in the pain. Remember, your feelings are NOT the facts. Your feelings are making up stories that are incredibly painful and you are following those stories instead of shutting them down FAST and putting truth back into your system.
The truth is, he is gone. The truth is, he is not going to fight for you. The truth is, he is not enough for you and you were not enough for him. It’s nobody’s fault. You BOTH have destructive patterns. So what. It’s what you do with it, that matters. He chose to run, you wanted to stay and fight. Who cares why…all you need to know is that he didn’t want to fight. It doesn’t make you any less lovable or worth fighting for, just because he made the choice to run. He gets to run. We ALL have a right to live our lives the way we want and how we choose to live, is reflective of what lives within each of us. His choice to run is about HIM, not you. You could have acted the same exact way with 10 different guys and they would have each responded differently. This guy just happened to be a runner and that has NOTHING to do with you, but instead how he deals with fear in his life.
The more you re-program the TRUTH into your system, the less you will be suffering. You are in pain BECAUSE of the stories you are not working with. So work with your stories. Pretend there is a REAL person saying those stories to you as if it were a friend you are having coffee with. What would YOU say to your friend? Would you tell your friend that she messed up big time and she needs to fix it? Would you tell your friend that she should keep fighting for this guy? Would you tell your friend that she absolutely should keep ruminating on the breakup and write him all these letters telling him how she feels? Would you validate her that it’s her fault that he ran from her because she is just too insecure?
Heidi
