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  • in reply to: Older Single trying to date again #33754
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    I hope you are able to get a pitcher! The water definitely might be the source. I would add lemons to all the water you drinking. It kills a lot of unwanted things in water and is very cleansing at well. Maybe give that a shot for right now until you can get a pitcher. You want to make sure you stay hydrated. Or you can boil a ton of water and then put it in a water pitcher in the fridge.

    I’m curious. What kinds of questions are you going to ask on this interview on Monday? What do you know about this company? How did you find them? Do you know their reputation?

    If you quit your current job, are there any penalties? I know you signed a contract, but not sure what happens if you leave early.

    Heidi

    in reply to: Older Single trying to date again #33752
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    I’m glad you are feeling better and recovering. Do you have any idea what you ate? Or is it possible you were sick? Sooooo awful!

    Good luck in the interview. Excited to hear about what happens for you.

    I have a friend who lives in China. He teaches English there at a prestigious University. He travels a TON and even as we speak, he is exploring some remote villages in China, since he can’t really leave right now due to Covid. I asked him about people not speaking English and he said he just uses an app to translate for him. He speaks English into the app and then it speaks out loud in their language and then they will understand and be able to help and they will speak into his app as well. He said it’s enough to get him around and get what he needs and it works. I’m amazed at how comfortable he is just doing that. I suppose it helps being a man and it helps that he is used to doing that so he isn’t so afraid. I would be scared too, but I’m proud of you for stepping into it! You are exposing yourself to things that you will most likely never do again and things like that change you. What are you plans when you get there? How long are you staying? You said you MIGHT be able to go. What would stop you?

    Heidi

    in reply to: Can I get my ex back? How? #33751
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    Man, you ask some really wonderful questions! You are quite brave and courageous to ask these questions. Do you know how strong you are??

    so how can I find a healthy definition for me? I think that place to start is by asking yourself this question: Is it loving to me, to love this person? If YOU are the caretaker of your heart, and the health and vitality of your heart is solely dependent on what you source it with, then what would you feed it? It starts with you and how you treat it. Are you hard on yourself? Judgemental? Critical? Do you ignore it? Do you over-indulge? Do you abandon yourself? The true sign of a person’s character and how they value themselves is how they talk to themselves and treat themselves on a daily basis and MOST OF ALL, how they treat themselves under stress. What you say and do to yourself then becomes the standard that you will require from a partner. If you are used to being extremely critical of yourself, then you will accept a criticizing partner. If you are judgemental and push yourself a lot, then you will accept that from a partner. Would you say these kinds of qualities are a reflection of love? You treat others how to treat you. I, of course, am not perfect at self-talk, but in general, I have high self-esteem and self-trust in most areas of my life. There are areas where I still struggle and that’s just part of life and will always be there. But my high self-esteem far outweighs my low self-esteem therefore, I have very high standards as to how I am treated, even in the worst moments. Does this help give you some guidance?

    I find it difficult in the beginning of a relationship to continue to pursue my own things, because it is just so exciting and one wants to spend every minute with the other person. I will try to be more conscious about that though. I totally understand. Since you know this about yourself, it’s important to set yourself up for success by creating a plan for yourself. What can you do to support yourself in slowing down when you first meet someone you like? Also, it’s important to understand why you do this. Part of it is probably your personality, but I’m guessing some of it comes from a wounded place that tends to rush into something that feels so good in the moment. That would be something to explore. What’s the need to rush and envelope yourself in someone’s energy that you barely know? Usually rushing things is a sign of trauma energy or unresolved feelings from the past. Something to explore within yourself. Thoughts?

    Do you have suggestions on how to handle this? Also, I never dated distance if it even gets that far. How do I keep this healthy for me and start the relationship off right, should it be right, so this guy doesn’t dump me after 3 months? Yes, you have a lot of work to do on clearing your baggage. It’s okay! You are in process and still learning a lot. Maybe that is something you can discuss with your therapist? It’s hard for me to say whether you should stay away from dating right now and just focus on yourself (which maybe feels like the best approach – just from the little that you have shared), but YOU get to decide what is best for you. Only YOU know what feels right for you. Isn’t it interesting that you say “So this guy doesn’t dump me after 3 months?” Just observe this mindset that you are carrying around. It’s the flavor of the victim. It’s saying everything is your fault and you want to start things off “right” this time around. Your perspective is quite small and the magnifying glass is only on you. Whose to say that anything you have “messed up” wasn’t EXACTLY what needed to happen to save you tons of time and energy with a guy who wasn’t a good fit for you? There are always sooooooo many dynamics to a situation that you NEVER see, so to put all the focus on you, as if you were the problem somehow and you were the reason you got dumped, that’s a very reductionist view of any situation, don’t you think?

    I guess eventually I will want to move on and I am kind of scared. This is what makes you NOT ready to invite another guy into your life. You are not resolved. You are not solid and peaceful and clear about your life, about this last guy, about love. So maybe it’s best you get to that space before trying to bring someone new into the mix. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for more drama. It’s like breaking a leg and then trying to get back to playing soccer before it’s fully healed. There are consequences to that choice. Thoughts?

    Heidi

    in reply to: Rug Ripped Out From Under My Feet #33750
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    You did right a lot! I’m glad. I hope you go back and read it a few times. It’s always a good thing to reflect on words that you have written. I’m curious…if this were your girlfriend talking about her boyfriend, what advice would you give her?

    So, in terms of marriage and kids, we’re pretty much on the same page. If I understand correctly, you both have decided that you don’t trust “marriage” (which basically means you don’t trust love). There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get married or not needing a ceremony, but when you decide NOT to do something because of someone else’s (your parents) results, then you are making that decision from a place of wounded energy vs. a clear, authentic mindset. Plenty of people have failed marriages, so does that mean you should avoid it? If I told you how to set yourself up for a successful marriage that has the potential to last a very long time, would you feel like it’s worth a shot? You both have had very poor role modeling. In fact, it’s a rare person who hasn’t. Learn from it. Embrace it. Transform it. Create something new and different because of it. That’s empowerment, right? Love, marriage, relationship….it’s all what YOU make of it and who you choose to take that journey with.

    One thing to consider…it’s not the best parts that make a relationship last, it’s actually the worst parts. It’s the worst side of each person in the couple that will make or break a relationship. So when looking for a partner to offer your heart to, you need to REALLY consider who they are in their worst and decide if they are someone you can feel emotionally safe with and go through challenges with. So I always tell people to look at the very worst of the person they are dating and ask this question….can I love and respect this part of them? If the answer is a no, not sure, maybe, or even I don’t know…then you are already on the path to a breakup. You also need to ask yourself the same question. It’s in the worst moments where the foundation of trust and emotional safety are established, so if you do not respect how your person handles the stressors in their life and the relationship, then you have a looooong road ahead of you. John Gottman did the largest study in existence on couples and what makes them last or not last. There were 4 components involved and one of those components that made a relationship not only last, but stay vibrant and nourishing even beyond the 20 years mark…they were respectful towards each other when stressed. No name calling, no ghosting or stonewalling, no criticizing…they honored and respected each other through the process of challenge. Now it’s not to say that if name calling exists in a relationship, that it couldn’t shift or change, but both people would need to work together to change how they relate to each other.

    The thin about your guy is, he isn’t REALLY facing his issues. He isn’t REALLY taking responsibility for his own reactions and nor is he doing anything about them. You guys kept having the same arguments. You’d say something, he would turn and twist it around, he would hold onto those moments and not forgive and release the hurt and then bring everything up again later on. That is someone is NOT actually working through anything, but instead burying them. When someone does that, it sabotages emotional intimacy. He is holding onto those “infractions” and keeping you at a distance, without him really knowing he is doing it…until it all gets triggered again by something else you confront him on. So in reality, no matter how amazing he is and how wonderful you felt with him, he is NOT a partner you can trust when things go awry. He isn’t being honest, he isn’t really listening, he isn’t taking responsibility for himself IN THE MOMENT and he doesn’t forgive and release – but instead holds things against you. I know you have your part of the equation as well, but in the end, is this the kind of pattern you want to deal with for the rest of your life? It only gets worse as someone ages so imagine this pattern 100x worse than it is right now. Do you really think that’s a formula for a happy relationship???

    Part of me thinks he just got supper defensive and responded in an immature and insecure way. I’m not sure he’s ever been in a serious relationship before. It doesn’t matter why he responded in the way he did. It matters that it’s who he is. You either step in and love this part of him and accept it WITHOUT needing him to change, or you let him go and require something more from a partner. But you also want to take a look at yourself. Do you respect how you handle stress? Do you respect how you communicated with him? Do you respect yourself and honor yourself and love yourself when you are really stressed? Is it acceptable, safe and loveable for someone to give you their heart, even in YOUR worst moments?

    Heidi

    in reply to: Older Single trying to date again #33748
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    Ooooohhhh noooo! What happened?? That’s so awful. I’m glad you can reschedule the bird watching portion. Hopefully, the horse people will be forgiving as well. It’s so awful to be sick and not at home. It sounds like you were eventually able to stabilize. It’s a good way to cleanse, right? lol.

    My weekend was good. TONS of dog sitting for the summer months, so definitely out and about A LOT! So far so good!

    Heidi

    in reply to: Older Single trying to date again #33741
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    How was your weekend? Were you able to get out and connect with nature and do the trail ride?

    in reply to: Rug Ripped Out From Under My Feet #33740
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    Hi Erin,

    Welcome to the forum! Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. There are a lot of dynamics involved in your situation, so let’s see what we can figure out together.

    First, I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with. To go from feeling like he is fully invested in you, to now being apart and broken up…it’s so intense and shocking. You guys have been incredibly involved so quickly and it was not a sustainable pace. That is a really hard thing to come to terms with and I know your heart is breaking.

    The first thing I want to say is that it’s not unusual for relationships to burnout pretty quickly when they start as fast as you guys did. For him to buy gifts before he even met you, for him to say I love you when you guy had only just met…those are some pretty big red flags. He rushed in suuuuuper quick and like I said, it’s a pretty common thing for a relationship to burn out with that kind of entry. It’s not a clear, authentic kind of connection. I’m not saying he wasn’t genuine, but as fast as he was moving things – that’s more indicative of wounded energy driving his behavior – which makes it not sustainable. I’m not surprised he pulled back. To say I love you and give you all these gifts and plan to have you in his future without knowing all that you are – is more about fantasy than reality.

    I imagine it felt good for you to feel like a guy wasn’t afraid of commitment and to have a guy so invested so quickly. I’m wondering if this is a new kind of experience for you. What are you past relationships like? I’m wondering if you felt that things were moving fast for you.

    It sounds like part of the disconnection came from him feeling like you weren’t happy with him. What would make him feel that way? I’m wondering if how you were expressing your annoyances were hurtful for him. He seems like a pretty fragile guy – being that you said he was a bit butt hurt when you didn’t tell him you loved him right away. That’s also a pretty big red flag and full of wounded energy from the baggage he is carrying around. Did he say what “things” he needs to figure out? What do you feel you did wrong with him? What aspects of His Secret Obsession do you feel you were not applying and how was that showing up in your behavior?

    What is it about this guy that you keep thinking about? Why do you want him back into your life?

    Heidi

    in reply to: How to break ice in dating app? #33728
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    It’s really important to pay attention to those lonely feelings. Work may be distracting you from how you REALLY feel, so you end up being “distracted” from the feelings you are really having about your life. Feeling lonely is normal and it’s also quite normal to want to not feel those things and fix it by finding a partner. Again, this need to fix the loneliness through using a partner is just another distraction and not really fixing the issue…which means part of the reason you are picking a partner is to fill your life instead of feeling whole, complete, nourished and content WITHOUT a partner. Just something to thing about.

    There is no etiquette or right or wrong way to do this. It’s up to you. Like I said previously, it’s about YOU deciding what kind of guy you want to be in your life. If you are the type where you like to be in control and the initiator, then respond to their “likes.” If you want who initiates more, then don’t respond to the “likes.” This is YOUR design. View all the rules and “etiquette” as more of a guideline instead of black and white. See what works for you and experiment. Respond to some likes and don’t respond to other likes and see how things go.

    Thoughts?

    Heidi

    in reply to: How to break ice in dating app? #33727
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    It’s really important to pay attention to those lonely feelings. Work may be distracting you from how you REALLY feel, so you end up being “distracted” from the feelings you are really having about your life. Feeling lonely is normal and it’s also quite normal to want to not feel those things and fix it by finding a partner. Again, this need to fix the loneliness through using a partner is just another distraction and not really fixing the issue…which means part of the reason you are picking a partner is to fill your life instead of feeling whole, complete, nourished and content WITHOUT a partner. Just something to thing about.

    There is no etiquette or right or wrong way to do this. It’s up to you. Like I said previously, it’s about YOU deciding what kind of guy you want to be in your life. If you are the type where you like to be in control and the initiator, then respond to their “likes.” If you want who initiates more, then don’t respond to the “likes.” This is YOUR design. View all the rules and “etiquette” as more of a guideline instead of black and white. See what works for you and experiment. Respond to some likes and don’t respond to other likes and see how things go.

    Thoughts?

    Heidi

    in reply to: Can I get my ex back? How? #33721
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    Hello there! This is a great message! Thank you for sharing! Let’s dig through this…

    Love to me means to never give up, because if there is a will there is always a way! This is actually NOT true. Why? Because you have another person involved and soooooo many dynamics that go into a relationship. Sometimes, no matter what you do as a couple, it just doesn’t work for one reason or another – and it’s no one’s fault and it has NOTHING to do with how much love they have for each other. Love is NOT the glue to a relationship. Love is the motivator, but the glue actually comes from the skillset of nourishing and taking care of the relationship itself. Does this make sense?

    Two people deciding that being with each other is better than being alone. This goes back to your fear of being alone. It’s not necessarily that being with each other is better than being alone. It’s just a different life – not better, not worse, not anything other than just different. I wound NOT want someone to decide to be with me because it’s better than being alone. That is more about staying with someone to keep them company. It’s sooooooo much more than this.

    Love is companionship and some people say there partner is their best friend! I believe that too, but am now rethinking that might not be ideal. This is interesting that you are not sure about this. How come? Being best friends is the foundation to a successful, nourishing love. Why are you rethinking this?

    What is LOVE actually? Am I even close to getting it right? Oh gosh…I wish I could answer this, but there is no ONE answer. Love varies according to the culture, the beliefs, the stories, the upbringing etc. So love is defined by the couple, the person and the environment. There is no “right” answer.

    It was me that chose time with him over the other things. He was a bigger priority and I don’t regret that. Is that a mistake? I guess especially in the beginning of a relationship and dating with kids every other week, I wanted to spend every minute possible with him. I am certain that over time that would ease. But is that a mistake I make from the beginning? It sounds like you got really consumed by him…meaning you really filled up your life with him and made the rest of your life smaller. This can be problematic for sure. It makes him your WHOLE world vs. just part of it. That’s a BIG responsibility for any guy, so I always encourage couples to make sure they are also nourishing their friendships, their activities and their hobbies WITHOUT their partner.

    I didn’t realize that I hadn’t forgiven myself for my mistakes I made fully on a subconscious level. How do you forgive yourself fully?
    Let’s say I understand that loneliness is my biggest fear. What are the steps to clear that baggage after I identified it to be fully free of it?
    These are such great questions Nadin! This is where having help is needed. There are a lot of books / techniques you can try or working with a specialist will help. The thing is, there is no one path to healing/forgiving because each person carries different stories/traumas. Because of this, it’s a journey to find out what works for you. That’s where it’s really helpful to have a specialist guide you. With my coach, she knows me well. Sometimes her techniques works instantly and I am able to release stuff and sometimes, she has to take me deeper and use other techniques to help me release. It just depends on the situation and what I am dealing with and how deeply rooted I am in the belief/trauma that is keeping me stuck. It’s an adventure and unpredictable. So it’s about finding the people that you resonate with and reading their books, taking their programs or learning their techniques. I will tell you though…nothing replaces working with someone 1 on 1. There are just some places you won’t get to inside of yourself, where having someone’s help is needed and that will always be true. I used to have therapy sessions every week, sometimes multiple times per week when I was dealing with the most intense stuff of my life. These days, it’s more occasional. So forgiving, releasing etc. is a journey where you have to explore what works specifically for you – and it will change over the years too. That’s why I have a vast skillset – over the past 30 years I explored many techniques, modalities, read a gazillion different books, worked with many different types of healers and so on. This will be a forever path and I will always continue to grow and learn. Does this make sense?

    Heidi

    in reply to: Confused and frustered about break up, want ex back #33720
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    Thank you for the update! I am sooooo sorry it’s ending up this way. It’s so incredibly difficult to let someone go. From what you just said, I can feel the hurt and the frustration/anger. Has something happened that brought you to this realization? Has he said something?

    Either way, it’s sooooo very important for you to feel that FULL acceptance of who you are. I’m glad you are walking away if you don’t feel that way with him, but I know it’s hard.

    What are you doing to help yourself through this?

    Heidi

    in reply to: How to break ice in dating app? #33719
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    Hi Patricia! Welcome to the forum! Your question is not too basic at all. Us coaches are online only at certain times of the day, so give at least a 24-hour window for us to get back to you.

    The only thing missing is someone special to share the beautiful life I hope it’s okay to talk about this a bit. I know it’s not part of your question, but it is part of the mindset that impacts how you date. I just want to shed some light on it a bit and you take it or leave it of course. The way you said this insinuates you are “missing” something in your life, which in essence means you do not feel whole and complete with how your life is right now and the way to fix that is to find a partner to fill that hole. This mindset can really muck things up in your life because it’s about you trying to find someone to fill that space vs. you filling that space by yourself. What if are single for another 5 years? Or 10 years? Is that something you could be okay with? It sounds like you really love your life right now. Do you feel like you could continue loving your life even if there is no guy to share it with for the next decade?

    Okay…let’s dive a little deeper into your question, because it’s not quite as simple as giving you a few sentences to respond with. You have to look at what you really want. Personally, I am not interested in a guy who just presses a button that says he likes my profile. I am interested in a guy who is inspired to reach out and have a conversation with me. So that is a standard I have set before. A like is nice, but it’s kind of similar to being out, catching eye contact with a guy who sends you a smile, but that’s about as much effort as he puts in. He never comes over to say hello. So is this something you feel okay with? What are your standards?

    Heidi

    in reply to: Can I get my ex back? How? #33706
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    It helps hugely in how I raise my son, but I am unsure how the believes I developed growing up, tie to what kind of a guy I am drawn to? Let’s say that you develop a belief that love = abuse. Remember, your beliefs get developed from a CHILD mindset, so stories and beliefs imprint from a child viewpoint. So that’s how love = abuse. If a child only receives attention from mom or dad by being yelled at, hit, thrown around, that child will pair love and attention with abuse. When that child story about abuse is not resolved once they are an adult, that belief will influence who they are attracted to. In very basic terms, it’s what the child is used to and knows how to live. That adult would NOT feel comfortable with someone nice. They wouldn’t know how to deal with it. It would be uncomfortable, they instantly would not trust the nice person and they would do all kinds of things to sabotage the kindness…because the belief of that adult is that love is paired with abuse. You change that by working with a specialist, educating yourself and helping yourself change the story around love. This is a VERY simplified answer, as there are a gazillion layers to this concept, but this is at least a start. Does this help you understand? If you feel stuck with your own situation, let’s talk about it more. What is your story/belief about what love is?

    Ok, so if I understand you correctly, I have things I am not following through with myself. Do I need more clarity, what exactly it is I want? Like I said, it has changed over the last 8 years with every relationship. This is part of the path, but not the priority right now. This is about creating clarity about something external – a relationship. Your priority and where you receive clarity from is when you go internal and develop/strengthen yourself from the inside.

    What does the recent breakup show about where I don’t love myself? I tried digging into that, but came up with blank. I don’t know all of the details of your relationship to be able to give you several examples, but the one example is you wanting to do what you can to get this guy back. You came here wanting to fight for a guy who bailed on you pretty quickly, without talking to you, without trying to work through things with you, without being a true partner. One day he is playing and having fun and bonding with you and the next he is telling you he doesn’t really have feelings for you. This is a guy who is not safe to be with emotionally….yet you wanted to get him back. Self love would be saying “As much as I connect with man, I am not interested in being connected with someone who is not clear and handles things this way. I love myself more than a connection with a man who is not clear that I am someone he wants in his life.” Is this helpful?

    I somehow hoped for a second chance to do everything the right way and be pregnant and enjoy it and feel the excitement, versus the horror I experienced, have another child full time. Do you see how you wanting a child is coming from a place of woundedness? You have not forgiven yourself from the past and you want to do things “right” and that is NOT a way that you want to bring a child into this world. It’s using that child to give YOU the experience you feel you want to create and using that child for your own healing. Truth is, even if you had another child, there is no guarantee you would get to have that kind of experience anyways.

    I also think I connect that family goal with loneliness in the future. I get sad, homesick and lonely on holiday’s every year (also something I need to work on), if I look into the future I see a table full of kids and grandkids around the Christmas table. No loneliness or let’s say I fear that not happening. Bingo! You are getting it!!! You are starting to see how having more kids is more about avoiding loneliness than anything. So once you do the healing work, clear the baggage, THEN you can create a family, or not create a family, from a clear place and not a wounded place or fearful place. Make sense?

    When I try to think about it, I feel a mental block of emptiness, like I am hitting a wall. This is usually a symptom of trauma. We have amazing abilities to block things out, go blank, go numb in order to survive things. So hitting a wall is letting you know that you are protecting something. What that is? Who knows.

    What you are saying makes a lot of sense, great job on clearing that baggage and finding happiness and being present! Thank you for acknowledging this! Made me feel good 🙂

    I could see myself live somewhere by the ocean sailing or living on a sail boat. I would love to envision a partner to do life with, even without kids. See??? A beautiful and amazing life IS possible without more children. There are pros and cons to no more children and pros and cons to more children. Either direction, your sole job to create and protect your own happiness…that’s it! So that no matter what shows up in your life, you know how feel complete, fulfilled and happy with WHAT IS.

    I know this is a lot. Hang in there. Keep asking questions, keep being curious, keep exploring. You will absorb what you are ready to absorb, so just trust that.

    Heidi

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Heidi G.
    in reply to: When a guy is afraid #33705
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    Okay! Noooooow I get it! I understand what he was saying! Thank you for explaining it.

    I can understand why something like that would be a trigger for you. My guess is, he was just fishing in a very indirect way. So let’s look at your reaction a bit more. This is a beautiful moment of really observing the unresolved baggage from your past that got triggered by his comment. That is what makes all of us so different and unique and WHY it’s so incredibly important to NOT judge someone when they are having a reaction….there is ALWAYS a valid reason (to them) for their reaction and it’s ALWAYS triggering some unresolved hurts. If he were to have said that comment to me, I would have just smiled and played with it a bit more instead of getting angry. This is part of you understanding human behavior in general. You reacted and got triggered and someone else would have wondered what’s the big deal, including the guy who made the comment? So it’s important to understand that fundamental difference that exists between all of us. Then it’s important for you to own your reaction and take care of yourself. Really look at the core of your reaction. It has nothing to do with this guy, but instead feeling no seen, not known and feeling “accused” of something that was not true. Work with those feelings. Get to know them, ask more questions of yourself and explore where you are holding on tight to some of the wounds from your past. Does this make sense?

    I feel like it’s a good idea for you to take some time and stop dating. You definitely have a higher level of sensitivity and I LOVE IT! It’s soooooo important for you to allow more parts of you to come out and to use your voice. There is a lot of healing that needs to take place right now, so getting to focus on yourself is really important. What kinds skills do you want to develop? How do you want to work through your triggers? How would you handle it differently if this were to happen again?

    Heidi

    in reply to: When a guy is afraid #33698
    Heidi G
    Moderator

    This is another huge step for me I think because I probably would have thought oh he’s a nice guy so what does it hurt. Now, I’m looking out for me in a huge way. Thank you for helping me to find this part of me again! Yayayayayaya! This is soooooo exciting!!!! I’m really really proud of you! You are heading in a really good direction!!! I want to invite you to disconnect from him completely. Unfriend him and block him. Do not let him into your world and if you end up running into him, just be cordial and move away from him. He has no interest in respecting your boundaries. He is behaving in a way where he is showing you that his agenda is all that matters and how you feel and what you want is not important to him. That is a guy who is potentially abusive! I will never forget in college when they called all of us female athletes into an auditorium and a police officer talked to us about sexual assault. He said one thing that I never forgot. He said that if you say no and the guy does it anyways, even if it’s trying to hold your hand, buying you another drink or whatever…HE IS A POTENTIAL RAPIST. It shocked me because guys had been that way all the time with me and I just thought it was normal. I had never looked at it that so it was very eye opening and very true. So get as far away from that guy as possible. Next time, you will catch this behavior much sooner and instantly disengage. The very first time a guy ignores your requests, boundaries, expressed needs, you will get up and walk away instantly. Because you stayed and continued to interact for a bit, he was able to push you a bit further and a little further and a little further. Guys like that know how to push a woman until they eventually get what they want. You stopped the momentum which is AMAZING!!!! Now it’s time to close the door completely. No explaining, no nothing. DO NOT give him one more ounce of your energy. I’m super super excited for you to get to feel this part of you!!!! WOOOOHOOO!

    I’m sure he will wait to see you. I’m so sorry but I am really confused. I do not understand what this means. I don’t get how what he said was offensive. I don’t even understand what he said and what it means. Can you explain this to me?

    I did message him this morning wishing his father well for surgery today and if he needed to talk he knew where I was and he thanked me for it. I know this could have been the reason why he said it because he’s worried about his father’s surgery but still it did not need to be said in my eyes (maybe I’m being oversensitive right now since working on me). But in the end, I did stand up for myself and made it clear that no one was going to walk over me with things. Here you are again, reconnecting with a guy who had no idea, nor interest in understanding how he triggered you. For him to “play dumb” is a wimpy way out. From what you told me about how you responded, it seems to me like it was pretty clear that he upset you. Although I don’t understand why, from how you explained things, he is not very connected to himself or to you nor equipped to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. And now you are reconnecting with him and re-engaging with him by asking him about his father’s surgery. This is you plopping back into the pattern that you are wanting to get away from. Does this make sense?
    Yes, you stood up for yourself!!! But by re-engaging, you are not following through. You are not honoring that you did not feel seen, heard or understood by him, yet you are moving forward with him anyways. It is NOT your job to teach him. If he wants to learn how to be more conscious and connected to a woman, he can take that journey on his own. It is NOT your job to teach him or tell him how he upset you. Your job is to deal with your reaction and really look into what triggered you and why AND to also disconnect from this guy as well, because he is not emotionally safe nor available for you. Thoughts?

    Heidi

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