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Hi Shani,
I totally get why it hurts so much with Rav. He was really your first experience with safety and especially since he is friends with your friends and he is a good guy…of course you would fall for him. He treated you well and it sounds like there was a really good vibe between the both of you. It really hurts when something good like that doesn’t turn out the way you want.
Honestly, part of me feels he would rather know the truth, that’s why he has offered to reach out and talk. This is not for you to determine. You are playing a guessing game here.
I just don’t love “lying” to him. Lying? That’s quite an extreme word. Full disclosure requires safety and trust and that is something he broke. So saying you are “fine” is NOT lying…you are doing fine. That is the truth. You just aren’t telling him anything more than that because it’s a bit of a sticky situation. And you are here sifting through all of that to make sure you handle everything in the best possible way.
And I just think if our friends are telling me he did wrong, they should tell him. I’m a believer that if you are good friends you can call your friend out on behaviours that aren’t ones you agree with I understand this is how you believe and operate as a friend. But this isn’t the Shani show here. Your opinions are not the only ones that exist. It is not for you to judge what kind of friends they should be. They have their own opinions about how to be a good friend. Not everyone operates like you do, so it’s important to hold space for EVERYONE and not push your opinions onto other people. Besides, you are NOT in their friendship. You have no clue whether or not they said something to him. And if they did talk to him about it, it’s obviously something they resolved and they moved on from. It’s THEIR friendship, so they get to treat it in the way that feels good for them.
And it would help me feel more supported I guess. So what does this actually look like to you? Let’s say they did stick up for you….let’s say they did say something to him….then what? What do you want them to do next? What result are you looking for from that? How do you think that would change anything?
Maybe make it that I’m not the crazy one, others can see it too, So now we are getting to a deeper core pain spot. “the crazy one” is a thought and feeling that is familiar to you, yes? What happened to you in your past, that made you feel not believed or like the “crazy one.”
so he has the opportunity to take accountability. This is very much a “police” type of energy. He hurt you and you want him to own up to it and apologize. That’s not friendship. That is you being controlling, NOT relational. I’m telling you right now….if that is the energy you go at him with, you will just push him away and make him think “Man…I’m so glad I ended things with her.” ANYTIME you go at someone as if YOU know better and YOU are holding them accountable for what they did….it will turn people off. There is an art to confronting someone. There are many things to consider if you want to be effective. The goal whenever confronting someone, is to help them feel safe with you. You want them to feel open and receptive to you. Do you really think your judging and criticizing energy would make Rav want to connect with you? I guarantee you he will say he is sorry more from a place of wanting to get out of the conversation, than really listening to what you are saying…and in the end, nothing will have changed in him and you are right back where you started.
You are hurting Shani. You are dealing with a broken heart and I promise you, getting him to apologize won’t change that…because what is hurting is that he isn’t choosing you. What is hurting is that he isn’t fighting for you, or missing you. What is hurting is that you feel insignificant to him. You are carrying around a broken heart from the loss of him while he is carrying on with his life as if nothing happened. THAT is what hurts. Even if he apologizes and even if he says “Of course you matter to me. I miss our friendship and I miss our banter” it will not change your pain, because those words will have no action behind it. The moment you crossed that line with him, everything changed for good. You are incapable of friendship with him right now. It’s not appropriate. One day, when you heal from this, a new type of friendship could possibly grow.
The connection between the both of you CAN heal. It can be rebuilt. But it won’t have the chance for any of that as long as you keep waiting for him to be held accountable. Again, I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk to him. I’m saying the police badge you’re wearing where you want him to be held accountable for hurting your feelings is going to cause more damage than you think. You won’t get what you want from him.
Heidi
Hi Shani,
Thank you for sharing all these details. It’s helpful for me to understand more of the situation. I’m so so sorry for everything you have been through with men. You have been treated so horribly. I’m so glad you are out of that abusive relationship and starting over again. I’m sure you still have a lot to process as you are dealing with 2 SA’s in the past year. My heart breaks for you Shani. Well done for still being here and having the courage with risk with Rav.
Let’s start with this: What do you hope to accomplish by telling Rav how he hurt you? And what do you think your friends would accomplish by calling Rav out for treating you the way he did?
Heidi
you’re asking some good questions and I understand your point. Let’s dive into this a bit deeper.
I guess I just don’t know why it’s wrong to tell him that I’m not ok.. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s more about developing your emotional sovereignty and self love. What I mean by that is this: Not a single person is responsible for taking care of your well being, your happiness, your okay-ness. That is 100% YOUR job, right? So when someone else hurts your feelings, it’s not THEIR job to fix you or make sure you’re okay.
And I need to know he at least valued the friendship, because thats the killer here. What you are wanting from him is for him to tell you that you are valuable to him which means you are relying on HIM for your value. An emotionally sovereign person says and feels “I am valuable, whether you think I am or not.” When you put your value in someone else’s hands, you are giving them control over your well being. Is that really how you want to live? And what that does is communicate to Rav, “You hurt me and I’m not okay until you tell me I’m valuable to you.” And that communicates neediness. Is that what you want him to feel from you?
When he has clearly asked me in the messages, and he is offering the chance to talk. He is not REALLY asking to talk in the messages. All he was doing was being polite and wanting to make sure that when you see each other, everything was going to be okay. If he REALLY wanted to know how you were feeling, he would push for that. I mean what guy wants to sit in front of a woman he has rejected and hear about how much he hurt her? He was only wanting to talk, not to dive into the feelings of all of it, but instead try and make sure you both could be friendly when you see each other.
And the hardest thing is that in our friends group, no one is going to call him out because they don’t want to get involved. And they right not getting involved. It’s not their situation. This is between you and him only.
If there’s really no hope for anything with him, then I’d rather just really tell him how much I hurt and give him the chance to show me if he really is a good person who cares for the friendship or not Shani, for right now, he is communicating that he is very clear that he does not want anything romantic with you. Does that mean there is no chance for something down the road? Of course not! But I will tell you that is you blast him with your righteous feelings as if he is the bad guy here and look to him to make you feel better, you will 100% push him away…even to the point that the friendship door will be closed. You chose to step into “having fun” with him. And it worked for a period of time until it didn’t. YOU changed, not him. From what you have shared here, he was pretty honest with you all along about not wanting things to turn serious. He only wanted to keep things light – friends with benefits. And the thing is Shani, men are able to do that. They DO NOT bond through sex and friendship the way women do – they are chemically and structurally built different than we are and that has been scientifically proven through science over and over and over again. Here is an example: When a woman has sex with a man….our bodies release a hormone called oxytocin (a bonding chemical that also gets release when the newborn baby immediately gets placed on our chest immediately after birth. THat’s why doctors do that). So oxytocin will get released in our bodies for up to 7 years every time we have sex with a specific guy – which is nature’s ways of bonding us. That DOES NOT happen to men. Men (in general) are able to have sex and disconnect and move about their day. They are fantastic at the whole friends with benefits thing. They are engaged with that type of interaction because they are motivated by sex. For women, they are NOT motivated by sex, but instead the connection that sex brings them. And that’s why women are the ones who typically get hurt in a friends with benefits agreement. You want him to value your friendship, but that is just not how the average man operates or thinks.
Again…science has proven this many times….men: the very core self-esteem and value a man determines his worth by is his ability to PRODUCE. If you take away a man’s job his ability to produce something in his life, you will see the strongest man completely lose his center and self-worth. There was a massive study done where men were required to stay at home while the women went out and worked. What they found is the men could take it for a while, but eventually started to go stir crazy and their instinctive response to that was to start finding “projects” around the house to do…things to fix, things to build, things to learn….something they could create and produce. They didn’t focus on how clean the house was, whether there was food in the fridge, whether the children had bathed or brushed their hair, whether the kids had their playdates. None of those things are about PRODUCING. Women on the other, we are built completely different. The core of our self-esteem and where we find our value lives in CONNECTION. Relationships drive us. We are the relationship caretakers. So when women stayed home, they focused on a clean house, groceries, playdates etc. because 100% percent of her focus is on relationships with her children and her partner and making sure EVERYONE (except herself) has their needs met. Everyone else’s happy meant she could be happy.
So the exchange that you and him had is text book….the guy didn’t bond nor think about the “relationship.” He wanted sex and had fun with you, but the moment you stepped into sharing your deeper feelings and asking for more, he pulled back. YOU wanted a deeper connection. YOU caught feelings. He didn’t. So now your feelings are hurt because he didn’t value your “friendship” enough. You are wanting him to think and act like a woman does and that just will never happen. It’s not who he is or how he operates and you want to hold him accountable that. Well, let’s flip the script here for second…if you are going to point the finger at him, he could also point the finger at you. He told you he was just having fun and didn’t want anything serious. He told you he needed some time to figure shit out in his life. So he could easily say “I was honest with you but you just didn’t want to listen.” You KNOWINGLY kept sleeping with him and engaging with him all in hopes that he would change his mind about you. And that was YOUR choice, not his. And now that things ended, you are blaming him and not looking at how YOU participated in this design. I’m only going by the information you have shared with me here. I obviously don’t know all the details.
In the end though….you BOTH played the game. You started on the same page, but then you shifted and got hurt because he didn’t shift with you. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just what happens sometimes.
What can you do to help yourself connect into this and stop blaming him for your pain – pain I’m sure that has built up over the years from previous experiences of being rejected or feeling like you don’t matter. He obviously touched on a sensitive spot for you – that’s what dating does. It exposes each of our pain spots.
Now….I want to circle back and be very clear here. I’m not saying NOT to talk to him. If you want to drive him away, hold him accountable and blast him with your hurt feelings. If you want to heal and rebuild the connection and friendships, then you have to approach this differently. Which do you want?
Heidi
Hi Shani,
I can really feel your hurt. I am so sorry you are having to go through healing a broken heart.
I’m going to say something that you are not going to like. I have been in your situation before and received the same advice and definitely did not like it. Regardless, it’s what is true.
First, as an objective observer here, the final message he sent you was pretty clear. He feels clear about his choice and doesn’t need to talk about anything anymore. He is not suffering like you are – and I know how much that stings and makes the hurt even worse. It’s always the hardest part feeling disregarded and like you didn’t really matter to them. It’s incredibly painful seeing someone be totally okay with the loss of you, while you are here having to mend a broken heart from the loss of him. I deeply know how much that hurts and I wish I could make that pain go away for you.
Second, I want to encourage you not to send anything back. He completed his text to you with closing words and wasn’t inviting a response from you, so there really is no need for you to respond. By sharing your feelings with him, you are opening yourself up to more rejection. He sounds like a nice guy in general, so imagine he would listen to you and probably apologize, but in the end, it won’t change his mind. His apology is not going to fix your broken heart. And besides, talking about your vulnerable broken heart over text is such a disservice to you and whatever you text will be open to interpretation. It’s truly one of the worst ways to communicate deep, serious feelings.
You obviously get to do what you want. What I want to encourage you to do, is really close the door on this guy so you can heal. You both made choices and you are the one who really got hurt from it, so it’s time for you to forgive what happened, forgive his humanness and lack of care for you, forgive yourself for getting mixed up with a guy who didn’t care for you the way you wanted and needed, and work towards letting this whole thing go. It’s going to take some time, but the sooner you close the door on this….meaning no more messages with him, the faster you can heal. And when you do see each other in person, you’ll just be polite, even though you both will feel pretty uncomfortable. It’s just a moment in time that you can through. The more you work on forgiving and letting this go NOW, the easier it will be when you cross paths with him.
Again, I’m so so sorry. I know I’m offering guidance that is not what you want to hear. I’m here for you, so share your thoughts on this, share more of your feelings, you can vent here with me, and I’m here to help support you through this if you want.
Heidi
Hi Shani,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing the details.
I love the honesty of your reply and I think that is the most important quality of your message. So it sounds like you still have strong feelings for him, yes? You are still dealing with the hurt of being rejected, but I think it’s more impactful if you are honest about that instead of saying you were “busy.” Your reply has some coldness to it, so warming it up a bit will also help soften the exchange which will help when you see each other in person. He will respect your honesty soooooo much more.
You can say something like “Hey. my apologies for not responding. I honestly just didn’t know what to say and I’m still dealing with a bit of embarrassment. I took a risk and it didn’t work out the way I wanted, but that’s just part of life isn’t it? I really appreciate you checking in with me and making sure we are all good before we end up seeing each other. I admit, I will probably be awkward. But hey…who cares! We are both adults and have gone through awkward moments before and we will both navigate this one the best way we know how. It’ll be okay! But, if you feel like we should talk before we see other, I’m open to that. Just let me know. Otherwise, I’ll see you soon.”
How does this message feel?
The awkwardness really sits in your hands, so if you can show up with an open, connective heart instead of a closed, hurt heart….it will make all the difference in the world.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi tls,
You are asking a great question! I want to invite you to think deeper about this concept. It’s less about the actual asking for help so he can feel like your “hero” and more about supporting the idea that you are a “team” together and you move through life helping each other. It has nothing to do with being incapable so you ask for help. It’s more about inviting someone to help, because it makes them part of your life and it helps someone feel like they are involved and that they matter. For most men, doing thing for their woman to help make their life easier is a natural thing they respond to. Our natural way to feel part of the man’s life is by offering connection, support through challenges, advice. So in summary, men are natural “doers” and women are natural “connectors.” So it’s good for men to ask their women for guidance, advice, help with a coworker etc. and it’s good for women to ask men for help to fix something, or carry something, or do something. It just supports a stronger connection and helps the other person feel involved in their partner’s life. Does this make sense?
Why do you feel like you threaten your off/on again guy by not “needing” him too much? Has he specifically said that to you or are you making an educated guess?
Heidi
Okay, this is a loooong one, so grab some popcorn 🙂
which was lovely at the time, but ironically, it kind of reminded me of how alone I feel here. As a dating coach, I always always always say that one of the best ways to become a great partner, is to master the art of being alone. Why? Because you are able to get to know yourself in ways that only that void can expose. This void you are feeling is a RARE opportunity for you to develop a new skillset, face fears, and connect more deeply with yourself and strengthen your self love. The stronger you become in your connection with yourself, the more powerful and effective partner you will be. Feeling “alone” means that you are relying A LOT on other people for your well being. We all do it! It’s rare to have a season like you have right now, where you have to start from ground zero. I love that you are feeling alone. I know more than anything that you want to strengthen your bond with yourself and this is one of the most powerful ways to do it….FEEL the aloneness and connect with it. The alone feeling is just an illusion, right? Think about it this way….your entire life, you have felt like you don’t really belong – starting with your family. You have always felt different and your family has always told you how to be different so you could fit better with them – so you were taught to orient your well being and your belonging to the people around you. Well now you don’t have anyone around you to tell you whether you fit or not, whether you are okay or not, whether you are acceptable or not. BUT….if you had been taught that you were worth loving and knowing just as you are, you wouldn’t be feeling alone right now. You’d be having other types of struggles probably, but you would have a core sense of belonging to yourself – and to God – and you wouldn’t be feeling so alone…at least not in the way you are feeling right now. Since you want to strengthen your insides, this is the PERFECT way to do it. You cannot avoid this and you cannot run from this – so now you can really face it. Now is the time, because a season like this rarely comes along.
So instead of telling you how to navigate this feeling of “I’m alone” how about you share your own ideas. What if I came to you and said “I’m feeling really alone Anna. This is so hard.” What guidance would you offer?
I don’t know if I’ll actually end up doing this (I’m debating it), but if I do, do you have any suggestions as to how to go about it without making myself smaller than I am?. I am going to offer you guidance different than your therapist, so it’s up to you how you approach this. I suggest NOT scheduling something like this. Why? Because you are doing it from a place of feeling “alone” and that means you are putting that feeling on HIM to fix, instead of you working with it on your own. You do not want to develop the pattern to rely on others to help you feel better. BUT…it doesn’t mean you don’t ask for help. Here’s the thing Anna, you NEED to know that you can rely 100% on yourself for your wellbeing if you are going to thrive in your life. So a more balanced way to navigate challenges is this: Others are there to support you, but they are NOT there to fix you. That’s your job, right? You are in the baby stages of learning how to navigate all of these challenges on your own. So for now, because you still have a lot of learning to do, take this opportunity to strengthen your skillset. It doesn’t mean you don’t reach out every once in a while or that you don’t ask for help. I do that all the time. It means that others are the support when you need it, but not the MAIN way that you get through something. So here is how it could look for you…..you are feeling alone right now, so you work with those feelings and shift those feelings. There are a TON of layers to this feeling “alone” so work with every layer that comes up with me and with your therapist. Sometimes you will hit a super sticky spot and you need a little extra help. So you may reach out to a friend and say “Hey, I need a little encouragement right now. Can you just tell me that I can do this??” So do you see how you are asking for SUPPORT instead of using someone else to make you feel better? This is why it’s so important to work with the “alone” feeling, because there will be times, even in marriage that you will feel alone. It is one of the greatest, most powerful skills to have such a strong connection with yourself, that when everyone around you is not available for you in the way you need, you have yourself to rely on and you are able to stay strong, connected, high functioning and in your power.
Unhealthy relationships say: “You complete me”. This is a “filling the void” within each other kind of connection. Healthy relationships say: “You compliment me”. This is “I am complete within myself already and you just add to me” kind of connection. (These are very rare by the way, because the majority of people are not willing to do the work). Do you see the difference?
Relationships have 3 parts. 1. You 2. The other 3. The connection. So both you and your guy are fantastic, wonderful people. BUT…the type of connection that is formed between the two of you will determine the success of the relationship, NOT the kind of people you are. So this is where skill and awareness come in. This pattern is already being established between you and him where you are playing small to avoid rejection and he is taking the role of rescuing you by always telling you how great you really are. This is a pattern that will destroy your connection over time. It may take 20 years to get there, but it is a toxic pattern. So instead, I want to encourage you to NOT set up consistent talks with him…not right now while you are in the thick of feeling the aloneness. Get through this phase WITHOUT him and really face yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t talk to him, it just means you don’t connect from a place of feeling alone. A healthy way to share this struggle with him might be “Ya….I’m struggling with really feeling alone right now. But I am learning so much about myself and really working on building my self-esteem and developing new skills in how to face my fears. It’s so hard, but I know this is so important for me.” Do you see how you are sharing, but NOT asking for anything from him? He will naturally offer his encouragement and support, because that is who he is, but he won’t feel like you NEED it from him. And THIS is what will develop respect and safety within the relationship. Nothing turns a guy off more than feeling the neediness from a woman. A man will respect a woman when he feels her strength and he feels like “She’s got this. I believe in her.” Does this make sense?
Here’s an analogy I like to use to give you the big picture:
Imagine you have to walk across a tight rope (the tight rope is a challenge you are being faced with). There are 2 ways you are going to walk across that tight rope. Terrified OR with some fear, but confidence as well. What determines your experience?
scenario 1 Terrified: You may or may not have a safety net below you. It’s reliant upon whether “others” have put that net underneath you. And on top of that, you don’t know the quality of that net, whether it’s been cared for, whether it’s tight enough, whether or not there are any holes. So the entire feeling of safety is reliant on other people. There may be a safety net there for part of the time, but there also is a possibility that as you are halfway through, others fail you and now the safety net is gone. TERRIFYING, right??? Who in the world would ever feel safe to walk across a tight rope without a safety net??? (professionals excluded of course). This is why addictions are sooooo strong and why so many people are on medications. They are using substances as part of their safety net.
scenario 2 fear with confidence: facing any challenge is going to have some fear. BUT….you are confident because you yourself have put up your safety net. YOU are the one who has cared for it, makes sure there are no holes, knows exactly how tight it needs to be, and you are in constant relationship with it. So now you can walk across that tight rope with your very own safety net below you KNOWING that if and when you fall, you are 100% safe. And your friends, your family, or whomever is part of your support team, they are around your safety net encouraging you and cheering you on. And this allows THEM to feel like your support but NOT your end all be all. They each will have the freedom to come and go as they need to (so they can also take care of themselves if needed) because they TRUST that you got this. They KNOW you are safe and will get across that tight rope whether or not they are there and THIS is what a healthy connection is based upon. No one needs to rescue each other. This is TRUE freedom within a relationship. This is TRUE freedom in life! I can’t even tell you how amazing it is to get to feel like this. I have this DEEP, core knowing that no matter what shows up in my life, no matter the challenge, I WILL get to the other side.
Does this help?
This is why this very rare opportunity of you feeling “alone” is quite special and unique and why it’s soooooo important for you to really dig in and do the work Anna. It’s the opportunity for you to become in a much stronger relationship with your safety net. It’s so easy to run to others to ask for them to help you with your safety net (which is what most people do) but I know you want more for yourself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Weeeelllll doooooonnnneeee Anna! This is what I’m talking about! You OWNING your beauty, your gifts, your best self. I find a lot of people have a hard time with that for fear of being “arrogant.” I’m glad you were able to get that out of the way and connect to the divine in you and claim it. I love that it feels good too! Yayaya!
I also am loving at how you are connecting more to being a “teacher.” Yes, you are young, but you are wise too! What you believe today will not be what you believe in 10 years, but as long as you are growing and sharing, you will always be a great teacher.
There is a quote that I think comes from Rudolph Steiner (considered one of the greatest philosophers in recent history) “Belief is where thinking stops.” That is soooooo true and something I have learned over the years. My “beliefs”, whether it be about God, nutrition, who I am etc. are ALWAYS changing, because I am open to exploring and receiving new information…ALWAYS. This takes GREAT courage and self esteem to live this way. Most people have a very HIGH need to create boxes (beliefs) that stay the same forever. It’s how they know themselves. But when you have courage to challenge that box and keep “critically thinking” and “exploring the holes in that box” and open to “expanding” that box or switching that box entirely, then you are truly living a life full of possibilities. It takes courage to be curious and let that curiosity take you to scary places. I grew up Christian and was FULLY invested in that view and belief. Then one day, I read this book that completely challenged everything I was taught. It was sooooo scary, as I had no idea how to deal with my belief systems not making as much sense as they always had. Our beliefs will box us in and become part of our identity, and that’s why people tend to stay stuck in the same beliefs their entire life. I want to encourage you to keep “thinking” keep “exploring” keep “expanding” everything you know – and that will make you an incredible leader, teacher, friend, partner, parent. What you did for that mentee was beautiful. I would say…from what you have described about how people tend to come to you for advice….is that you are a great space holder for others to be who they want to be….you are able to love and care for someone for exactly who they are….this is sooooo powerful and incredibly rare. AND…the challenge is…making sure you are not allowing yourself to be used. I grew up the same way….wise beyond my years and EVERYONE always came to me for advice. Some of my closest friendships functioned as me being the advice giver and them being the student so to speak. It’s a very unbalanced equation…and I created my ENTIRE identity around this pattern. I would know others REALLY REALLY well and they would hardly know me. They THOUGHT they knew me, but really, they didn’t. And truth be told, they weren’t really interested in knowing who I was. They liked me because I always had some kind of answer that helped them understand their life better. It wasn’t until my 40s that I got so sick of this pattern where I was the one always helping and giving and they were the ones always receiving. They rarely asked questions about me, conversations were always about them and round and round we went. I was about 48 I think and I finally shifted. I actually cut off ALL the people in my life where that pattern existed. It was time for me to have relationships where I existed as well. So I want to encourage you to be really careful about this pattern. I know 100% that it feels good to be sought after. It was always a HUGE dose of self-esteem for me. It was my identity. I had to really look at the question “Who am I if I am not offering guidance or advice? If I never offered advice, why would people like me? Why would they want to be friends with me?” And I had to connect to my OTHER qualities and make those MUCH BIGGER, so that I felt like I existed in the relationship. I was more than just a friend/therapist. I was seen, I was known, I was held – BEYOND the advice I had to share and beyond the wisdom I had worked incredibly hard for over the years. Make sure that the people that you allow into your INNER heart, love and connect with you for reasons beyond your wisdom. Does this make sense? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!
And I want to also encourage you….as you are connecting to your greatness, DO NOT apologize for being yourself. For example: So sorry this is so long! You have a lot of feelings. You have a lot to say. You have a lot of thoughts. Why would you apologize for that? Saying you are “sorry” is a word that is meant to be reserved for those times that you have caused harm or messed up in some way. DO NOT ever apologize for being yourself. That is you rejecting yourself…that is you minimizing yourself – you are apologizing for taking up space in our connection.
You minimize yourself with your guy a lot too. For example: I’ll leave you alone; I know you have an exam in a few days you need to study for and I don’t want to take any more of your time! When you apologize to me for writing a long post or say to your guy you I’ll leave you alone, I know you have lot to do….what you are actually doing is putting your self-esteem and self-worth in OUR hands. You make yourself REALLY small and then wait for us to say “Oh it’s okay…you are not bothering me at all” or “you didn’t write too long of a post at all. Keep doing it!” You are setting up both me and him to validate you in some form or fashion by saying that it’s okay for you to be you and you are not “bothering” us. You do this (this is very common by the way) because you have this part of you that doesn’t feel comfortable taking up space with someone. You don’t feel comfortable being your BIG BEAUTIFUL self. Where you do feel comfortable is being as small as possible. So make a rule for yourself….NO using the word “sorry” for something that didn’t cause harm or a mess-up. And let OTHER PEOPLE decide what they need, instead of you deciding for them….so instead of saying “I don’t want to bother you or take up your time so I should go” you instead say “As much as I am loving our conversation and want to keep talking, I know you have an exam tomorrow and you probably need to study and I want to honor that. Would you like to go?” Do you see how that tone is different? And instead of saying “sorry this post is so long” You say “Wow! I had a lot to say….this is a long post. Thank you for holding a safe space for me to share everything.”
Now….I know I am pushing you a bit here….I am asking you to step into your power and OWN every aspect of who you are. I also do not want to overwhelm you, so please make sure that you let me know if I am pushing too much or if you need smaller steps. You are dealing with so much right now and I am not interested in causing you to shut down or activating your low self-esteem. It’s so hard through this forum and just typing, to be able to gauge what is okay for someone, so my only option is to trust you that you will say something if what I am doing is not working or ineffective. I always want to know how to be better for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Anna!
Good job! Thank you for doing this exercise! Now I want you to take it a step further. Much of what you wrote, you followed it up by still reducing those qualities instead of claiming them. For example: “Oh crap, I really do have a bit of strength in me, don’t I?”. You don’t have a “bit” of strength, you have A LOT of strength. You say this about your guy: My guy did it too, and I think he’s one of the strongest people I know because of that but when you do the same thing you only have a “bit” of strength? You have a speech impediment which makes talking extremely exhausting and challenging and yet you still show up and give it a go. Here you say: I guess I would be worth getting to know because I do NOTHING arbitrarily, nor do I say anything arbitrarily. You “guess” you are worth knowing??? OMG do you know how much people crave this quality these days??? No “guessing” Anna. It’s time to CLAIM your greatness. So this next exercise, I want you to create a numbered list of 5 qualities you embody and I want you to write them as a statement. Just 1 sentence. So here is my list to show you what I am looking for:
1. I am resilient
2. I am a gifted problem solver
3. I am a strong leader
4. I am deeply connective and loving
5. I am an incredible friendStart each statement with “I am.”
The thing is Anna….when you CLAIM and OWN your greatness, your speech impediment won’t matter because you are soooooo much MORE than your speech impediment. Your stuttering is just a physical thing….it’s NOT who you are. Who you are is what people care about. Your qualities, your heart, your intention, your support, your authenticity. I know speaking is exhausting for you, but I’m wondering if it’s exhausting because of how YOU view yourself and the low self esteem that seems to be in the forefront of your mind. THAT’S what is more exhausting than anything….having that low self-esteem front and center and then constantly having to overcome that. Imagine having high self-esteem ALL THE TIME. Imagine feeling 100% confident and KNOWING that you have A LOT to offer anyone who engages with you….do you think talking would be as exhausting? My guess is, sure….it might be some exhausting, but not near as much as it is right now.
You have greatness in you Anna and we ALL need that greatness to come out and touch the world. We are collectively starving for love, connection, authenticity, compassion, and kindness. We don’t need you to hide, we need EXACTLY what you have to offer. You are someone that can help heal, just by showing up and sharing your heart with someone. It doesn’t mean you need to go out there and be social all the time…it just means WE NEED YOU to connect to your greatness and once you do that…your heart can lead you into situations where you can share yourself and bring your goodness into the world…however that might show up.
So right now…I would say that your focus needs to be on yourself. It is NOT boastful, snobby, egotistical, grand, or overbearing to know who you are. You are so strongly connected to your limitations and your not so great sides…which is good! But it’s NOT GOOD when you are not connected with your greatness at the same time. God was your creator and instilled your greatness for a reason….so it’s time to own it, claim it, embrace it, and bring it into the world so that you can start bringing more healing energy into this world. You have a responsibility to that because you are MORE advanced than most people. For those of us that have a higher understanding, higher knowledge, more advanced awareness and consciousness….it is our responsibility to help others “wake up” to more of who they are. You are a teacher Anna and you have soooooooo much share.
So how about you share with me what you want to share with the world. What does your heart want to bring into this world to help create change and healing for others?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
So great to hear from you! Thank you for sharing your heart.
Your struggles are your teacher. You want to FEEL as strong as I see you??? Well…that’s more about YOU letting it sink in how strong you really are. The only thing blocking you from feeling your strength, is your low self-esteem. The “weirdo new girl sitting in the back just existing” is the dominant way you are feeling. We ALL have that side to ourselves. It’s activated right now because you are in a completely new environment and away from everything that feels familiar and comfortable…you knew where you fit, how to function, what to expect etc. before…but now…you have a clean slate and loneliness is really coming up for you and the little girl part of you that doesn’t fit yet, is the one feeling that loneliness.
Here’s the thing Anna…imagine you and your guy were married and had a little girl. Then there was a time where you had to move to a completely different place and your little girl had to deal with a new school, new friends, new everything. THAT”S HARD!!!! As her mom, how would you help her through that? You would hug her, you would remind her that she is not alone and that you are there for her, you would remind her of her strength, you would remind her of all her amazing qualities, you would love love love on her, and you would comfort her anytime she needed it, right? Well, instead what you are doing is calling her the “weirdo new girl just sitting in the back of the room.” You are speaking to your little girl in way that just causes her to feel even more like she is alone because her mom is even rejecting her. You say you cannot feel the strength I see in you? Well, how about you write me back and you tell ME….why are you so strong? How are you resourceful? Why are you someone I would want to know and have in my life? I”m serious….write me back and answer those questions.
You are struggling because you are abandoning yourself. You are scared and your insecure little self is in the driver’s seat, while your adult is in the back seat. So get your adult back into the driver’s seat. When your insecure self comes up, listen and be the nurturing, compassionate mother AND you tell her, “I know this is so scary. I know you don’t feel like you fit yet. And that’s okay. It’s going to take some time. We are going to do this anyways. I believe in you and I know you can do this and I am here every step of the way.”
Now…get yourself to the gym. It will help with how you feel. It will help release those feel good chemicals into your body and it will help you feel stronger. It’s a loving thing to do for yourself and it’s part of your self care. It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel like doing it. Commit to going regardless. That’s part of you putting your adult energy in the driver’s seat.
And with all of that….yes, it’s VERY normal for you to feel your “feels” with so much change that is happening. Regardless, it’s just you being you and that is 100% OKAY!!! You just keep working with yourself and loving yourself through your fear! You can do this! I have 100% confidence in you!
Heidi
Oh Anna! My heart is singing from this news! YOU DID IT!!!! I’m so so proud of you!!!
I know it is very scary, especially since meeting new people is really hard for you. But you know what? Every single person struggles with something, so we ALL are equals in our humanity. The most important thing is that you honor yourself and you are gentle with yourself through this transition. Good job for leaving. If that is what helped your nervous system feels the most safe, then that is EXACTLY what needed to happen. Baby steps! You already took one MASSIVE step by moving and taking on this new adventure, so give yourself a lot of space and time – filled with gentle, compassionate self-love – to navigate all the details and experiences that will follow.
And wow! What amazing, kind words your guy shared with you! And even better, YOUR MOM encouraged you to reach out! WOWOOWOWW!!! That is so fantastic to finally have her support! She is able to see you and support you a little better. Gold star for mom on this one!
Can you imagine who you will be at the end of this year??? You have jumped leaps and bounds ahead and will have the strength of an ox soon enough! I am just so honored to know you. You are an inspiration!!!
And as always, your kinds words and appreciation land on my heart so beautifully! It’s always like a warm hug and there are never too many of those!
So how did the first day of class go? I love that you get to live somewhere gorgeous. You should name your home. What is the energy of this home that comes across to you? What is this home going to help you through? How is this home going to improve your life? Your home is a spirit and deserves a name. Just a fun thought! I talk to my home all the time 🙂
Heidi
Hi Della,
There is a misunderstanding. We have gotten a lot of “bots” where a subject is posted, but there is no one writing about their story or asking for help. It’s just blank. So I write “bot” to tag it, that’s all.
There is no message from you, so I have no idea about what is happening in your situation. Did you write something? I got this recent message, but nothing else.
Since this recent message came through, why don’t you go ahead and share your situation and what you are looking for help with.
Heidi
