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You rock! On holiday, exercising, starting French, starting piano, making your own beauty products….whaaaat? You kick ass! You are doing everything you need to for some TLC and all things that are soul food! I cannot compliment you enough for your choices!
You will be receiving an email shortly with the information for that woman and how to reach her. I will write something up for you, then it has to go through a few portals first before it gets to you, so keep a lookout for it this week. If you do not get the info by Friday, let me know and I will do some checking!
Sending you more and more good vibes for healing and regeneration! And please keep in touch!
Heidi
Oh wow! Something like that is so shocking! I am so sorry!
I think the most frustrating thing about a situation like this is that he didn’t even give you a warning. Although things were challenging, you would at least hope that he would say…”We need help. I am more unhappy than ever and I am considering a divorce. Something needs to change or we cannot continue.” I imagine that would have caught your attention!
What is most sad is that he chose NOT to communicate with you. He chose to deal with his “unhappiness” by going to find someone else. Man is he in for a rude awakening. He thinks this other girl is going to solve his problem. He thinks YOU were the problem! Listen…I’m sure there were dynamics between you guys that did not work very well….BUT…it is HIS job to learn how to be happy….to talk about his needs….to set the boundaries he needs to….to ask for what he wants….THAT IS HIS JOB!!!! NOT YOURS! You are NOT responsible for his happiness!!! We all are responsible for our own happiness and when we are not happy, that means we better find a way to figure out what is missing and work towards our happiness…hopefully in a healthy way.
I find it interesting that he wants YOU to make a list of everything you have done “wrong.” I am wondering…. what’s the point? If he is already signing divorce papers and is moved out etc…why talk about it anymore? The only reason to talk about stuff like that is to work on things…but he clearly has shown you he is not interested in working on things with you. I ABSOLUTELY would not go meet him with that list!!!! That is a dangerous kind of conversation unless you have some VERY good communication skills and that there is a healthy point to the conversation. Even at that….I would recommend having a 3rd party be apart of the conversation so nothing gets out of control…because that is an EASY conversation that could go down south.
What I would talk about is what worked with you guys and what didn’t work. That is a great list! You guys got married for a reason…what worked??? And why??? Then you can head into what didn’t work…and why? That way it is a conversation about BOTH of you and how you interacted with each other vs. what either of you did “wrong.” What is “wrong” is a matter of opinion anyways.
So what I would do is to go into the conversation tonight with a reporter type of mindset. Pretend you are going to write an article about why men get divorced and you are using him as a “case study.” This will help you be in a “curious” type of mindset. When you are curious, you will hear more, learn more and experience so much more that way! It will also help keep the conversation out of the dumps…it can help keep it more positive instead of heavy and yucky.
I know you love this guy and want to fight for him. Let me ask you this though….knowing now that he just up and left and started an affair…without ever talking to you about fighting harder for the relationship….he is showing you how he handles his unhappiness. Where is his skillset to deal with HIS unhappiness? He is blaming you instead of taking responsibility for it. If he is doing this now…he will do it again…unless he gets help and learns a better skillset…so is this the kind of guy you want to have in your life? Imagine 10 years down the road and he does something like this again because he is unhappy. If he never takes responsibility for his choices and how he feels, he will continue this pattern, or something similar. Are you sure you want to fight for a guy who won’t even fight for himself?. I understand you love him. but that also means you are able to love this side of him too. It means that you accept that he will run from how he feels. It means that you accept he can bail at anytime. It means that you accept he will blame you for his unhappiness. Just something to think about!
I wish you the best in your conversation tonight. Please keep us updated. We want to help you through this!!!
Heidi
Hi Mel! Oh my you ARE quite the warrior! It is incredibly difficult what you just went through and saying goodbye to an important person in your life! Wow! You finally chose yourself over him…and that was necessary.
Just like Kanya mentioned, stay disconnected. DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN! He may want to try and charm his way back into your life, but if you block his number, don’t respond to ANYTHING….he won’t get the chance. You need to heal and recover and get his energy out of your life. He was so disrespectful and uncaring. He had no regard for you and certainly has no interest in your needs. YUK!
Going forward I would suggest to get some reading material on “Narcissism.” He definitely displayed a lot of those behaviors. The more you understand what to look for, the more you will know how to watch for it in the future so you never step into a situation like this again.
I am so proud of you! You will have ups and downs as you recover….stay connected with us! We are here to help support you through this time, so please keep us updated on how you are doing!
Heidi
Hi Emma!
Wow! So much has happened! I am in alignment with what Kanya keeps mentioning….focus on the friendship and take this slow. Give him enough time to initiate…make him feel like he misses you. Be sort of unavailable. I am sooooo glad your interaction with him went really well! I’m sure that made you feel so amazing and filled you with some hope.
If the time came to talk about the breakup, I would not head down the path of saying you are done trying to be with him….because it is not true. One thing you need to stay connected to, while playing the “games” so to speak, is to make sure that you don’t head into not being authentic and truthful with what you are saying to him. So I would go more along the lines of something like this…”I am not interested in getting back together with you and have our relationship be the same. I have a done a lot of growing and I do not want to fall back into our old patterns. That’s why I think being friends for awhile or maybe we can go on some dates again, would be a great things for us…and we can see if we can have healthier interactions. You were right when you said that maybe if we matured more, we could be better together. That is what matters to me most. I still have a lot of stuff to work on, but I am learning.” I would even suggest that you share with him what you are learning about yourself and how you are working to make some changes. If there is discussion about getting back together on some level, I would suggest to make a plan with him. Decide to maybe go on 10 dates BEFORE you are intimate again (talk about revving up the fore play and desire for each other). Decide how you want your relationship to work. I would discuss the factors that caused you guys to break up in a way that is a teaching and learning moment for both of you. How can you guys improve (specifically) on the issues that caused a disconnect. It’s one thing to say, yes! let’s be better! but it’s another thing to get specific as to HOW that is going to happen. Create some actions steps with each other. I have no idea if he will be willing to go through all of that with you. If not, then it will be VERY easy for you both to fall into the old patterns again and that is not what either of you want.
You are doing a great job Emma! Keep us updated and keep checking in!
Heidi
Hi Modupe!
You and I are so similar. I am also introverted, I also had some horrible role modeling and actually have a TON of reasons to “hate” men, but I don’t. I grew up surrounded by boys and am always very comfortable around them and find them so fascinating and wonderful. I also have gotten so triggered by them. Love and romance are soooooo scary because you are risking with your heart. At any given moment, the person you are connected with could stomp on it and make you feel the worst pain in the entire world!!! You just never know…so of course you are afraid and of course you were uncomfortable with this guy. You felt something you have never felt before and it was so scary! And still is! I think it’s great! He took you beyond your comfort zone and that is how we grow and strengthen.
Let’s see if I can help you create a different mindset around love and romance. Let’s look at the cold, hard truth.
1. Love triggers. We all have “fault” lines (like the fault lines in the earth). Love will expose those areas where we have cracks. Those cracks exist because of low self esteem, false beliefs, past traumas and wounds.
2. Love is a risk. At any given moment, someone can decide to leave you, hurt you, they may die. It is true of any relationship that exists. There are no guarantees. There are things you can do to increase the odds of sustainability (I’ll talk about that later), but reality is, love is just a risk…and it’s a risk every single day. To me, when someone really understands that and gets that, they are able to value love more. They are able to respect love more. They are in relationship with love in a much more clear way. They will have more strength to love deeper.
3.Love shows up according to the people designing it. When I loved at 18, then 25, then 32, then 37….each experience was different because I was different. Love will match the people who are interacting with it. It does not discriminate against what “ingredients” go into making it. Love invites all the light and all the dark that exists in each person. That’s why love can be sooooo hard and that’s why love is not enough to keep anything together. Love shines the light on the hurt and dysfunction just as much as the beauty and connection and how 2 people handle those dynamics are what determines how healthy the love is.When you think of love that way…I don’t know a person alive who wouldn’t be afraid to have that experience…and who wouldn’t be afraid to go deeper and deeper? If someone is NOT feeling afraid of love, they are not truly connected to the depth of what love offers….at least that is my opinion. Funny thing is, I have this test…sort of. If I meet a guy and I feel my complete, confident self….I feel grounded and centered and not worried at all about our interactions….that is NOT the guy for me! I am looking for something sustainable and passionate that takes me beyond my comfort zone. So….I am looking for a guy that makes me question who I am. I am looking for a guy who makes me feel nervous and makes me feel my low self-esteem thoughts like, “Why would a guy like this, be interested in me?” Ha! I know that sounds funny, but I am an extremely strong personality and a guy who can shake that up, is a guy worth getting to know. The last guy that I decided to get to know….I was sooo nervous, I was watching myself stutter occasionally, I was watching myself have a funny kind of laugh that was NOT normal, I was watching myself feeling self-conscious about my appearance…..hahaha! All in all….I found it sooooo fun!!! I never get to feel like that. The guys was extremely intelligent, very strong personality and the vibe in our conversations was electric. What was funny was I was noticing him having the same kind of experience of himself as I was. It was hilarious!!! No…it did not work out…..which is totally okay….but that to me was beautiful! I was unnerved! I live my every day life confident and grounded, so I got to feel something totally different that was just plain fun. I, of course, had to work myself through some stuff post conversations, but that’s okay! It made me feel alive! It made me feel parts of myself that I never get to connect to and that is always a wonderful gift. The other gift is that this time around….I actually laughed and found this little journey quite fun. If I were to go through this 10 years ago….I would have the same response as you. I would have hated it…I would have done everything I could to NOT feel that way and I would have judged myself for it. So I got to see how much I have grown. Yay! Hopefully me sharing something personal will give you some hope, validate your experience and help give you some perspective of a different way to look at it.
Okay…I have a TON of things to say about love, but there are 2 things I want to leave you with for right now.
1. Learn to put trust in yourself vs. the other person. What allows me to be more comfortable taking a risk to open up with a man, is the trust I have with myself…that no matter what this guy does, no matter what I end up doing….I AM RESILIENT. I have the skills to handle rejection, disappointment, abandonment etc. I also have good accountability. I have a life coach I work with to help me through anything I need help with. Which by the way…if you are interested in getting some help, I would HIGHLY recommend her! She is brilliant! And her methods work super fast. It’s more than just talking…she has different techniques as well to help you move out the hurt much faster. She works with people from around the world through skype and / or phone. She does not have a website as she works by referrals only. Being that you and I are similar (I want blunt, hard truths and I want to heal) I think you will match with her style very well. So hold tight and I will find a way to get her number to you privately. Anyways….trusting that you will be able to handle anything you need to…allows you to be more comfortable risking in love.
2. It’s important to also be cautious. It takes awhile to get to know someone. You may not have entirely let go in the past because something in you didn’t quite feel safe enough with that person. Or…maybe it was all in you…who knows! The biggest thing that I am always watching in a man, is how he handles stress. I want to know, that in every single situation, he will treat me with respect, honor my feelings and needs and that he will work through the challenges WITH ME! I want to know that he is the kind of person that will be as safe as possible to hand my heart over to….and in order to see how a guy handles stress, that takes time and a lot of experiences together to build that trust with him. He could totally break that trust at some point, but maybe not. Who knows…that’s why trusting in yourself needs to be solid and strong FIRST….then you can build trust with someone else.
Does this make sense? I know I have said a lot in this….so let me know if you have some questions!
Heidi
Hi Rachael,
I am not sure what you are posting about and the details of your situation. Do you have a question we can help you with?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
You are absolutely correct! Accepting it does not mean you are healed….you cannot heal until you accept it, so it is an essential part of healing. You are on the right track.
Of course you tighten and feel sick when you get attention! You have some fresh, very serious wounds. It’s like you had this incredibly large gash on your body. It takes time to heal. It takes the right kind of people who know how to help you heal something that traumatic. It means making sure ALL the infection is out before you get sewn back up. That’s why I recommend healing BEFORE dating again. People that hop right back into relationships or dating…they are trying to sew up that gash WITHOUT clearing out the infection first. Down the road, there will be consequences for that choice. So again, you are heading down a good path! There will be days that are easier than others. That is VERY NORMAL and TEMPORARY!!! Each time that wave hits, have the strength to ride the wave instead of fight it. Feel everything you need to feel. You can journal, you can talk about it, you can talk into a digital recorder, you can scream and hit a pillow, you can put on some music that matches how you feel and dance out your emotions. The goal, no matter what you choose, is to take that energy of the emotions you are feeling and transform them into something else. The more often you do that, the easier it will become. You will learn, very quickly that YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS! They are just a product of a situation and you have complete control of what you want to do with them. They only exist because of the thoughts and feelings you are having about the situation, so that’s why getting them out of your mind and expressing them in a safe, healthy way, is a powerful skill for you not to become a surfer when the waves hit vs. drowning in the water.
I’m sorry this hurts so much. DO NOT judge yourself for what you feel. It just is what it is. There are a lot of variables that influence why we react to situations the way we do. The most important part is dealing with what is happening for you now, WITHOUT JUDGMENT!!! We all have reactions that seem like a waste of energy, but it shows up in our lives regardless….and always has a lesson, therefore it is never a waste. The BIGGEST gift you get to have out of this, is learning how to strengthen your resilience….learning new skills of how to handle intense emotions….learning forgiveness for yourself and him….learning to love yourself through this situation…..all of these skills are being strengthened right now. You never know….this situation may be preparing you for something hard in your life down the road…and because you strengthened and became more resilient, you will better be able to handle it.
Keep breathing! One day at a time….and soon, when you find the love for yourself instead of the judgment, the waves will lessen. Soon…you will have more happy days than sad. It’s just going to take some time. You will get there!
Keep connecting with us! We are here to help you through this!
Modupe! Oh my goodness! It is so great to hear from you again!
First, congrats on the new job starting in September! I bet that makes you feel so much better, especially since your business is not turning out how maybe you thought it would. I wish you the best in your new adventures!
And Modupe…I say this with a very kind heart….you have made up your own version and story about how this guy is feeling this entire time. You said he had a girlfriend, yet you had no proof. You say he is not interested, yet you really have no proof. I still am not convinced. You know why? Because the entire time, YOU put out a TON of signals that would lead anyone to believe you had not a single interest in this guy. You made a few attempts to express how you felt, but you have been so uncomfortable in your own skin that I imagine anyone would be confused, by your actions, as to how you felt. You keep saying that you do not understand why this or that…you have read into every single word he has said, every action he has taken, every movement he has made…and turned it into your own story about how he feels. You are doing this because you would rather believe that made up story than to go find out for real…because you are so terrified that your story is true….AND you would be terrified if you were wrong as well. What if he did like you? What if he would go meet with you for drinks? What would you do then? And if he didn’t have feelings for you, you would feel no worse than how you feel at the moment.
Man…my heart just goes out to you. I get it. Fear can be paralyzing! You say that you have never experienced rejection and humiliation to this level, but reality is, he actually has never rejected you. YOU have rejected you. This fear of yours is so big that it is stopping you from finding out HIS truth. You would rather feel rejected and humiliated according to the truth you have made up for him.
What I want to encourage you to do is to stop with the story. Stop reading into everything he is saying and how he is saying it. I know that soooo many times I have responded to emails and texts very short and abrupt because I was in a hurry. I had a guy once who decided to tell me how rude I was and he ended up making up this whole story about what I was feeling when I wrote that text to him. MY REALITY was that I was in my car at a light and the it turned green and I had to go. It is soooooo easy to misunderstood through technology!!!!
I want to encourage you to still work on letting go of this obsession, as obsession is not healthy on any level….as you already know. The reason it hurts so much is because of the story you are putting on the experience. If you work on letting him go and but put the truth at the core…it may help you let go easier. The truth is…you just have not had the courage to be authentic with him. And that’s okay. THAT IS THE STORY!!! THAT IS THE ONLY STORY HERE!! So when you process the loss of him, it is about you, not him. It is about you rejecting yourself, not him rejecting you. it is about your relationship with this fear and obsession, not about him at all. He just happens to be the main character in your story….an innocent bystander!
So I want to bring you back to this….love yourself….accept that you have this GIANT fear that you have been working in and facing little bits at a time…you kick ass for doing that! You could not ask for more from yourself. With this guy, you were not able to muster up the courage to be straight up with him…so what! There will be another guy you will get to practice on and do better with. This entire situation has been such a gift for you and I know that. That’s why you are not a failure, your humiliation and feeling rejected should also be paired with how brave you are for signing up for this forum. How brave you are for being vulnerable with me and Kanya. How brave you are to take our guidance and actually work on yourself, learn about yourself and keep fighting for more in your life. To me…that is worth a million bucks!!! You are doing things you have never done before and at some point…you will show up differently with a man.
For some reason, this book came to mind. Actually this one story in particular. The book is called “Unstoppable” By Cynthia Kersey. It’s a handful of stories of people, of no significance, and how they changed the world, their community, their lives with ALL the odds stacked against them. It’s an INCREDIBLE book actually. Anyways, there was one story in there about an old guy who wanted to be an attorney, but he was such a HORRIBLE test taker that he couldn’t pass the bar exam. He knew the law forwards and backwards…better than anyone else, but he just couldn’t pass the test. I cannot remember how many times he took the test, but it was sooooooo many times. Finally, YEARS later, he passed. I definitely am doing the story justice, but my point being…is that certain issues…in each of our lives….are going to take longer to get some movement and growth. If you decide you want to master something…you will! So even if this situation did not turn out how you wanted, you will get to practice again….and again….and again….maybe even with him…who knows!
What are your thoughts? I want to hear!
So good to hear from you Modupe!
Heidi
Hi Madeline!
Thank you for writing in and trusting us with your challenge. I am actually HIGHLY impressed that you were honest about your intentions. That took a lot of strength. Your guilt is about you judging yourself for your choices and not being in alignment with the kind of person you deep down would like to be….yes?
I would like to encourage you to find another way to be resourceful. I am sure some part of him knows that you need his money. No man will respect, nor really care about your needs as long as he feels you are using him for his money…even if you have feelings for him more than that.
I understand you are in a hard place right now, so what if you approached this differently. What if he did not exist? What if he died in a car accident a week ago. What would you do? You can quit the program. You can maybe go talk to someone in administration to see if they have any scholarship or financial aid opportunities. I do not know what kind of program you have signed up for, but if this is something you really want to do, find a way to make it happen on your own. You will respect yourself more and IF he cares about you at all and interested in something further with you, he will respect you and see your ability to be resourceful, independent and determined to make something happen that seems completely impossible. I imagine that would feel pretty amazing for you!
Is this something you are open to trying? I’m sure this is not quite the answer you are looking for. I get it! I have been completely strapped for cash at different points in my life. It’s really easy during those times to be the kind of person, that deep down, you really don’t want to be, but you feel the situation calls for it. I have lived enough life and faced more challenges than you can imagine and I can tell you…that once you decide to make something happen that you really want, you CAN make it happen and still feel good about how you went about it. You are feeling guilty for a reason…a part of you does not like that you need him to rescue you and that you need him to help you get out of your tough spot. A part of you does not like that you need to use him. So make a different choice. This school program, if you really want to make it happen, CAN happen. Maybe not in this moment….you may need to quit the program for now, but you can always go back when you have earned the money in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. That will carry you much further in life!
Lastly, I do want to honor your choice though as your life is your own design. I would not text him the “I need your help” kinda thing. He probably knows you need his money for something…I’m not sure if you have already asked him directly for the money. A text of that nature will most likely not pull him back to you. It’s hard to guide you as you have not given much detail about your situation. I am hoping he is single. Maybe you don’t even know that information. Regardless, he might respond more to a compliment. Maybe try reminding him of what you miss about him or what you liked about him or how he made you feel when you were together. But I would keep it super light. He is not responding to you which may mean he has moved on and if all you guys were, was casual, he may not have that much of an investment in the idea of you. So when you do text, keeping it light, simple and carefree will give you the best shot possible. Here would be an example, “Hey John! I thought of you yesterday because I ended up driving past that ice cream parlor we went to a few times….and I remembered when you very surprisingly smothered my face with your chocolate ice cream. That was such a great moment and it made me laugh. That was a really fun day! I’m glad I got to have that with you. Just thought I would share that. I hope you are doing well! Take care.” It will help him remember this same moment with warm feelings, which may inspire him to at least respond. Who knows where it will go from there.
I wish you the best in your journey Madeline. If you need any more help or have a different question, let us know! We can be pretty resourceful on here 🙂
Heidi
Oh Cara, I am so sorry! That hurts pretty deep. Of course you are on a rollercoaster! It’s quite the illusion of him being “in love.” He may seem happy, but a person who has that kind of baggage…well, they have a limit as to how happy they can really be. I’m sure you have had a gazillion thoughts of feeling horrible that “SHE” can make him happy and you couldn’t. I’m sure all kinds of low self esteem thoughts are running ramped in your mind.
First, it’s okay that you went looking for more proof. Sometimes we need that to remind us of the pain. And that pain is necessary actually. That pain is reminding you of his choices not to fight for himself. That pain is reminding you that you don’t want to go through this again. That pain is reminding you to have caution and boundaries. Many times we will forget because we would rather love and have hope. So finding more prof, I think is a good reminder for you. And unfortunately, the pain needs to be so intense that you remember the reality of the situation vs. the potential.
And you are strong Cara! Of course there are moments where you will feel about as strong as a spaghetti noodle. Those moments are actually what makes you strong. To me…strength is more about resiliency. Strength is more about a person’s ability and CHOICE to stand back up after they have been knocked down. THAT IS TRUE STRENGTH! Many people (your husband included) take the route of avoiding the pain to stand back up. What you are choosing takes an incredible amount of courage and strength. You are not running. You are feeling what you need to feel. You are making clear choices about the kind of person you want to be for you and for your son. Strength is not always about not falling…it’s also about falling and then getting back up. So keep that definition in mind. You are doing a great job with being honest with yourself and creating a clearer vision of who you want to be. Even if you don’t feel like forgiving him, you say the words anyways. Each time you hurt, you say, “Even though I am hurting and feel so worthless right now, I forgive him for his choices.” You are going to have to make that choices thousands of times because you will hurt again and again and again until you decide to create a different design for yourself.
And listen Cara, NO ONE can tell you when you are done with this relationship. A million people could here your story and tell you to shut the door and go the other direction. Yes…that would probably be the healthiest decision for you, but at the same time….there are many gifts here that you get to learn along the way. You may need to feel more rejection and hurt before you are done. You may need to still hold onto hope for awhile longer…and that’s okay! Let yourself be EXACTLY where you are at. Accepting that will allow you much more freedom to move forward and grow vs. trying to force yourself to do something you are not ready for. Your main focus is to take care of yourself. Keep working on strengthening your inner self. Here are some tips:
1. Watch movies with a strong heroin. I love Under the Tuscan Sun or G.I. Jane (don’t laugh!) or The Holiday. The purpose is to watch women do what you need to do….they fall and then get back up. It helps to “program” you to be able to do the same! Plus it’s a good brain break for a few hours.
2. It’s important to hear other voices than your own. I LOVE Brene Brown. She has a ton of you tube videos that are SPOT ON about healing, growth, relationships etc. She is such a great speaker and funny too! Watch her videos for encouragement. She also has a handful of workshops / books / events that maybe you could get involved with. Here is a video that may help you a bit…lots of wonderful concepts in here! https://youtu.be/mDS5bqvOlhc
3. Get a gratitude journal. Spend just 5 minutes each day and focus solely on what you DO have and instead of what you don’t have.
4. Go and have some fun! Maybe find a dance class, go paint a mug at an art store, go for a hike somewhere beautiful, ask a friend out to a comedy show. The more you laugh, the more you fill your life up with things that feed your soul, the easier this will be to get through. It will keep you from sinking deep and drowning in those intense emotions all of the time. You, of course, will still have those moments, but you will be able to pull out of them sooner when you have some help with fun activities.
5. Learn something new. Maybe a new language, learn how to sail, learn about ways to exercise with your son, learn about plants…who knows! Find something that has peaked your curiosity and run with it! Give it some energy and go for it!
6. Look up EFT or TFT on you tube. These are tapping techniques that are brilliant! So many times when I have been in high emotion, I start to do the tapping and my emotions calm down enough to where I feel more grounded. Sometimes I have to tap a gazillion times and it takes a day or 2 and sometimes it helps immediately….but be persistent. Tap until you start to feel a shift into feeling lighter. Sometimes the trigger is so deep and so intense it takes awhile for your system to shift.I’m glad you are leaving soon and will be able to get out of the environment you are in. I hope you will get to clear your head, relax more and just be yourself without having to worry about your husband being around or discovering new evidence etc.
Keep going Cara. No matter how this turns out, your job is to focus on YOUR journey and how to become more healthy through this. If the process is your goal, there is no failure. It’s the process that will change you, NOT THE END RESULT!
Please keep us updated when you can! I love hearing from you!
This is some great stuff Emma! Good job! thank you for sharing…that is a lot of pressure you had to deal with. Make sure you are kind with yourself when you “fail.” That’s the first rule of thumb….otherwise you are just putting yourself right back where you started in childhood…loving yourself through your mishaps, challenges and limitations is a lifelong skill you get to practice.
Let’s talk about this need for perfection. I understand it is a strong drive in you. Would you maybe be willing to also look at it as a gift? A very NATURAL and instinctive part of who you are? Here is the truth…anyone’s greatest strength is always their greatest weakness. Your drive for perfection I’m sure has served you well in this life. I’m sure it has gotten you to places that you otherwise would never have known. Besides…each kid responds differently to the pressures we perceive. We end up responding according to our personality, our gifts and abilities. Another kid would have responded entirely different to your parents. She may have responded by becoming rebellious and not excelling at anything, she may have responded by becoming introverted and shy and a complete co-dependent saying yes to anyone and everyone….you responded by becoming driven and seeking perfection…which if you really think about it, is one of the best ways you could have responded because at least in the real world, being driven is a valued and encouraged quality. Your drive is something you were born with and was the way you responded to the stress in life and will be something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. It will serve you and get you places AND it will hinder you.
I get it though. I deal with exactly the same thing! My need for perfection is intense sometimes. I know that in my serious relationships, every single guy said 1 common thing…they felt like they couldn’t keep up with me…that they wanted me to just slow down and enjoy the flowers. I had such a high drive to have the “perfect” relationship that I was always working on myself and I wanted them to do the same. But as soon as something got better, I was looking at the very next thing that needed to get better. I couldn’t just relax and let things be okay. I will always have to deal with that side of myself, but over time, I have learned to immediately recognize it, I have learned to communicate and teach someone I am with how to hold me accountable when they see that in me, I have learned to also just be okay with it. I completely accept that this part of me will never go away as it is a characteristic I was born with. So when I feel it start to raise in intensity in a negative way, it’s my immediate job to start looking at what is triggering it, what thoughts and beliefs am I saying to myself and how can I love myself through this moment. The sooner I start that process, the better…because then I catch it before it becomes more and more intense and can do real damage. That is what you are supposed to do with all you have learned. Embrace it, understand the source and develop a skillset to help you work through it better for next time. And that takes time and practice, but any man worth their salt will have patience with you….we all have our low self esteem and it shows up in various ways. As long as you work with it and love yourself through it…you ARE being “perfect.”
As far as you being afraid you will fall into the same “trap”, it’s okay! You are going to be afraid and you ARE going to fall into that pattern again. It is a given. It’s the only way we learn.
Here is one of my favorite books called the 5 chapter book….it is an incredible way to describe the steps of us learning about our unhealthy patterns and limitations and our progress…or lack thereof. (the hole represents your need for perfection or what you call the trap)
Chapter 1: you are walking down the street and fall in the hole
Chapter 2: you are walking down the street, SEE the hole and fall in anyways
Chapter 3: you are walking down the street, see the hole and walk around it
Chapter 4: you are walking down the street, see the hole then cross the street
Chapter 5: you don’t walk down that street at allEmma…be patient with yourself. This is a process. You are hanging out at chapter 2 right now. As you learn, forgive (yourself, your parents, your nephew) and develop new skillsets, you will graduate to chapter 3, then 4, then 5. I have graduated to chapter 5 many times with my perfection issue, then sometimes, a certain situation will show up and I am back at chapter 2. Oh well! That’s okay….I am able to hang out in chapter 5 much more often than I used to, so I consider that great progress!
Remember as you go through this, getting rid of your low self-esteem and not falling into that “trap” is just a small part of the process. The REAL focus is…how do you love yourself when you do fall into that trap? How do you talk to yourself? How do you get out of the trap? How do you recognize the trap before it shows up? So it’s not about learning to stick the info you have learned and then you will be right to go…because honestly, that will NEVER happen…there will ALWAYS be something to work on and get better at….YOU ARE ENOUGH RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE WORTH CHOOSING AND FIGHTING FOR NOW! But YOU have to believe that if anyone else is going to believe that. Man…I have a gazillion flaws. I know so much about relationships, the psyche, how to heal, how to communicate…I have been studying myself for over 20 years! And you know what? I completely accept that I will have low self esteem forever. I will have lame things about me forever….AND I know that I am an incredible catch regardless. Any guy who gets to experience and feel my love is incredibly lucky and blessed! It’s NOT and ego thing I am saying…it is coming from a place deep inside my heart that I know I am valuable, just because I am and has NOTHING to do with my “performance.” Therefore, this belief helps me set standards as to how I am treated. I, of course, treat them the same in return and REQUIRE my guy to feel the same way about himself! That to me is my version of “perfect.” 2 people that love themselves, grow and value themselves and then they come together COMPLIMENTING each other’s lives, NOT completing each other’s holes that exist.
Does this help you create a more clear perspective and how to move forward with yourself?
Again…thank you for sharing! I am honored to be a part of your process!
Heidi
Emma! What great insights you have had! I love hearing all of that! You will be so much better next time!
You didn’t do anything “wrong.” You were doing the best you knew how and it’s not until we actually wake up to our patterns that we can actually shift or change anything. Next time you will do better AND you will still mess up. Instead of using the works “right” or “wrong”, use the phrase “less or more effective.” It helps A LOT with your psyche. For example, “I was being less effective when I chose the wording that I did when we argued.” “I hope to be more effective when we get back together.” I know this may seem petty, but “right” or “wrong” creates judgment on yourself…and that just activates low self esteem by telling yourself that you are being good or bad when really…even in those “bad” or “wrong” moments, there is still a gift in it for you….so those kinds of moments are teaching moments, therefore they are still effective for you and the person involved….right? So by “less effective or more effective” you are aligning yourself with higher vibrational thinking that does not have judgment in it. Try it out! You would be surprised at how much shifting our words, can shift how we feel.
I’m curious….do you know why you pull people in then push them out? Do you know why you ended up focusing so much on him and losing yourself? What is the root cause of this pattern of yours? Would you mind shared what you are a “little scared” of?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Please keep sharing and asking questions!
Heidi
Hi Emma!
I’m glad you are getting a little response from him. I want to slow you down a bit. My biggest concern is from what you said earlier about the connection going really well when you were the damsel in distress….and that he is always good at coming to your rescue. I really want to emphasize that it is not a healthy pattern for your relationship to function off of…that kind of stuff works great for a period of time, but if it’s the only way to get him to connect with you….if it was when things were best between you guys…that raises a caution flag for me. He was saying something pretty important to you when he said that maybe things could work out if you guys matured a bit more. That is an important thing to pay attention to, if you want to get him back AND have it last this time.
A healthier, long lasting, sustainable relationship is when 2 people know how to take care of themselves…yes, our partner is there to help when needed, but reality is….there will be many times in life that our partner will not be able to be there when we need them. What do you do then?? That’s why when you are single, it’s a GREAT time to practice and develop this skillset. Learning how to handle your emotions better, learning forgiveness, developing your skills, digging deep into your limitations to understand them better…being single is a wonderful self learning time!
What I would like to encourage you to do, is to do more soul searching about the patterns you participated in with him that were not so healthy. Then begin to work on those patterns. I truly would hate to see you get his attention back only to fall back into the same pattern as before. You will end up right back where you are now.
As far as responding to him, I would just keep it really simple. The more you are a tad unavailable, the more he will be interested. So reply by saying something like, “Hi! Good to hear from you 🙂 No…I have not seen a folder. Is there any particular place I might need to look?” This keeps it super light, creates a question which requires a bit more interaction and he gets to have an easy exchange with you. That is so important if he is going to feel comfortable interacting with you again. Does that make sense? If you give him too much of yourself, he will not get the feeling like he missed something. If you give him just enough but leave him wanting a bit more, THAT is how you create the chase. So do not go overboard in responding. Keep it light, simple and sweet….AND SHORT!!!
I hope this ends up working out for you guys. I hope that during this time apart, you really begin to work on the patterns that were not so healthy with him. That way…if you do get back together, it will be healthier and have a better chance at lasting!
Keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
I have to say…it is an incredibly big thing that you were willing to risk with him considering what happened when you were 23. Big events change our lives and can impact us forever in a negative way if we choose to let it. By risking with the guy, despite your low self esteem and not believing love was for you….good job! I’m sad that it hasn’t worked out in your favor…at least in this very moment….but what you did find out about yourself is that you are strong enough to handle it. You are strong enough to risk, you are strong enough to believe love CAN be for you!!! You deserve some serious kudos for that!
It’s a pretty normal thing to not believe in that powerful, limitless, nourishing love….especially for yourself. There are not a ton of role models out there (except in the movies) plus you add into that past traumas and experiences. I truly believe that each person has the right and ability to have and experience the kind of love they imagine. But like anything of quality or high vibration, you have to fight for it. That means forgiving, that means learning to love yourself deeper and deeper, that means learning to live in the moment, that means facing your fears. Each time you do these things, it raises your vibration which will attract a man who can match you there. So as you heal, you will be attracted to and also attract a man who is more healed. This by no means, happens overnight…it’s a process. By making a decision to love yourself enough to not go through this rejection anymore….THAT is healing. THAT is raising your vibration. THAT is setting a standard as to how you are treated.
I’m really proud of you for making this tough decision and really looking at the truth about what is going on inside of yourself. If there is anything else we can do to help, please ask away! We are here to support you!
Heidi
Hi Melissa!!
Wow! You have been through a lot! You are doing an incredible job! I just want to address your very good questions real quick:
Are there phases? Yes there are phases….they have different names, depending on what expert you are learning from. To me, all that matters is that I feel whatever I need to feel, I honor, respect and ACCEPT exactly where I am at and I will know when I am complete and finished my phases when I can think about that person that hurt me and feel indifferent. That’s how I keep checking to see if I am still carrying around any negative feelings. If I think about that person and I am able to freely and easily wish them the best AND there is not even a grain of sand feeling of hurt or negativity, THEN I did it….I have completed my process. Does this make sense?
YES!!!! It’s okay to be okay to be single! Goodness! I find so many people want the Band-Aid solution so they advise going out and getting distracted by other people. What you are doing is amazing! Trust yourself! Learning to be alone again is going to take time. Learning to be single and being okay to be single is part of what makes you a better partner in life! Having the strength to be alone and feel everything you need to feel is THE HEALTHIEST way to go about healing….if you decide to become distracted, that process will only take longer.
DO NOT focus on your age. I am not old, but not young either and not married. No matter what the statistics are, they don’t matter to me. I am happy and completely okay being single. I am not going to spend my precious time and energy worrying about getting too old for my chances of marriage. I have standards and I know what I want. When it shows up and I am inspired, then great! Until then, it is my job to be happy, find peace, BE IN THE PRESENT moment and enjoy my life…and while I have this time to myself, I work on my limitations so that when this guy shows up at some point, I have the least amount of baggage possible so he doesn’t have to deal with it!!! And that is what you need to keep your attention on. Trust your process!!!
Hopefully this will bring you more comfort! You are doing an incredible job and taking the road less traveled. Well done!
Heidi
