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Hi Colleen! I am still a little confused. What I am understanding so far, is that you want to text your ex (boyfriend or husband?) and is this the violent ex husband you are wanting to ask for help? I am also understanding you want to use him to be your guinea pig so to speak….to test out your hot stone massage product. Is this right? Do you have feelings for him? What is your current relationship like? I am not understanding the part as to why you are so nervous to ask him for help.
Would you mind offering a little more context about your situation?
Thanks! Heidi
Hi Diane! Welcome! We are so glad to have you here and asking this WONDERFUL question!
I first want to commend you on really being clear about your standards and the quality that you know works for you. The trap that many people fall into is they have this idea of what they want, but they are not willing to be alone and they would rather “settle” than to put their foot down and require more for themselves. So…well done! What you are doing is not easy!
1. I would first encourage you to look at this alone time as something very special. It is a time to get to know yourself on a deeper level. When we are single, it can bring up some of our limitations, challenges, low self esteem and feelings of discomfort. It is such a special time to really work on those challenges while you can. Once somebody comes into your life, those limitations won’t necessarily be activated, as other ones tend to come to forefront when with a partner. So anytime I am completely alone, I work like crazy to heal the parts of myself that limit my ability to love myself and others. I get to know myself in different ways while I have the freedom to fall flat on my face without having to affect anyone else. So use this time to dig deep and really face what is in there. I will tell you, from my own personal experiences, that when I chose to dive deep while being alone, I really discovered how much of my self esteem was driven by the male attention I would receive. When all of that disappeared for an extended season, I had never felt more alone and all my low self esteem came to the surface like an avalanche. I saw how much I valued myself because a man valued me. I saw how much I felt my femininity because a man flirted with me or desired me. I realized I loved myself more only when a man loved me more. It was a HUGE wake up call and one I needed to answer. So I began the path of healing on a deeper level and replaced the male attention with my own. I loved myself and valued myself whether a man was around or not. After a period of time and a lot of soul searching, I now have an incredible inner strength that I would not trade for the world! Now, I have incredibly high standards and will require a very particular and unique type of man before I am willing to step forward and interact. So like you, I am very rarely inspired….AND I am completely okay with it. I see the beauty and gift in each interaction and appreciate whatever is offered….AND I just keep going about my life, continuing to be open to receiving, continuing to work on myself and continuing the challenge to be happy and feel complete while being single.
2. Since you have dated so much already (I assume you used an online platform), maybe approach this a bit differently. Have you tried joining groups of similar interests as your own? I play soccer, so I am part of a group that gets together and plays pickup games. It’s been an incredible avenue to meet new people. Meetup.com is a GREAT place to meet likeminded people. Have you tried eventsandadventures.com? This is a dating platform…sort of. It’s an organization that plans events every single day that you can join in. Hot air balloon rides, wine tours, travel, dodge ball, kayaking….you name it! It’s pretty incredible! And you have to be single to join. So it doesn’t mean everyone dates, but everyone is at least in the same mindset….wanting to meet new people and just have some fun. What about joining a dance class? You can find group dance classes (swing, salsa, tango etc.) for $10 a class. My point in these suggestions is to go out and find activities that you love to do! This will open up your world to meeting a ton of new people while doing the things you love. It’s a great way to organically meet someone! This way, you are not having to motivate yourself to “put yourself back out there”…..You are feeding your spirit with fun, connection and joy, which in turn raises your spirits and can open the door to attracting the kind of man that matches you.
I am so glad you wrote in. Hopefully these ideas will give you some new inspiration and a different approach to this season in your life!
Heidi
Hi Anne! Wow…you are in quite the sticky situation….especially having a business relationship on top of the romance. Your heart must be breaking!
I am wondering why he is cheating if your relationship was as wonderful as you were saying. Maybe he is dealing with sexual addiction? Maybe he is not as happy as he appears to be? Maybe he loves you and that scares him so he is sabotaging? I am glad to know he is seeking some help. Dealing with something intense like this is best when having accountability and objectivity from someone you can trust.
I am wondering why you are staying with him. It sounds like there is a HUGE disconnect here and you are on a completely different page than him. He says he loves you AND he is lying and cheating all in the same moment and it does not appear to be changing or getting better. So what are you holding onto? What do you get from the relationship that you are not willing to give up? And whatever that is, do you feel it is worth being lied to and cheated on?
I understand you have a business relationship as well. Is there any possible way to disconnect? Reality is, if he is lying and cheating on you, that means he also has potential to do the same in business as well. Do you feel safe to continue the business relationship with him considering his integrity is lacking?
You are saying that all of this is very difficult and IT SHOULD BE! Being cheated on and lied to is not supposed to feel okay…so again, what is causing you to stick around and stay connected to a man that clearly is not on the same page as you?
Thank you for writing in! We will do our best to guide you through this sticky situation!!!
Heidi
Hi Riyo!
I couldn’t remember this quote yesterday when I was writing to you, but I remembered it last night, so here it is:
Albert Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result.”I wanted to share this with you because I understand you want him back and you love him. However, I also imagine that you want it to be different…you do not want to have to go through this again. This is why I am encouraging you to strengthen your insides. Do something different than you have ever done before. If you get him back but then both of you just keep having the same patterns, nothing will change and the odds of something like this happening again and SUPER high!
So why not really focus on strengthening your insides, respecting yourself more, learning how to set boundaries. Try something different and at worst, if it doesn’t work out, you at least are stronger, more confident and feel more respect for yourself.
Just some more thoughts!
And lastly! I wanted to celebrate you today. You have accomplished something so incredible. Although I do not know you, I am proud of you. I know you have gone through many moments of challenge and today, you get to reap the rewards for being diligent, committed and finishing what you started. You can do great things in this life with that kind of spirit! Well done!
Heidi
Hi Maria!
I am so happy to hear how you are going to move forward with this! I thank you soooo much for your kind words. This is a tricky subject, so when something works well for someone, it just puts a GIANT smile on my face! I appreciate you!We would love to hear updates if you are willing to share!
Heidi
Kanya! I LOVED this! I have never heard it broken down in this fashion and how she explains it, just makes it so much more clear. She is a great speaker! Thank you so much for sharing!
Heidi
Hi Riyo,
I see you are still seeking some guidance about how to interact with him on your graduation. I first want to say congratulations! You are accomplishing something so difficult and I hope you spend that day really appreciating and valuing all the work you have done to get there. I hope you don’t make that entire day about the guy. It is YOUR day and one to truly be celebrated!!! I understand you want him there and want to be desirable to him and celebrated by him. I don’t blame you. I just want to encourage you to not rely entirely on him or your interactions in order to truly honor what you have accomplished. This is YOUR day, not his.
In your other posts, I really appreciated your honesty and true acknowledgement about your struggles. I want to emphasize again, no matter what happens with this guy, I encourage you to continue building your inner strength. If you get back together, STILL WORK ON BUILDING your self esteem and stop relying 100% on him to make you feel better. He is unpredictable and unstable and that means, even if you do get back together, there will be times where he is not there for you and vise versa. So building your inner strength will help you handle those moments in a much healthier way. Again, I think the work of Brene Brown can really help you! http://www.brenebrown.com
When you see him, what I encourage you most to do is to behave in a way that makes you feel like you are respecting yourself, therefore requiring him to respect you. If you view your heart as this beautiful, rare and delicate piece of jewelry, who would you hand it over to? Just anyone? The challenge here is, you don’t view yourself that way, therefore no one else will view you that way either. If you view yourself as valuable and REQUIRE that anyone who comes into your space, better take AMAZING care of that rare and beautiful piece of jewelry, that commands respect and care.
If you show up “needy” and chasing after him, despite the fact he has another girlfriend…it would make him feel he can do whatever he wants and he still will get to have you. Would you respect yourself allowing him to walk all over you like that? If you show up with strength, having boundaries, letting him know he has to work harder if he wants to be with you….it can inspire him to respect you more, therefore want to work harder for you.
You said in the other post that you know you need to build inner strength. This is a wonderful time to do this. This is not about saying or being a certain way that will get him back. This is about you being the inner strength you desire and showing him how to treat you! If don’t care for yourself, who will? You are wanting him to take care of you, when you won’t take care of you. You are wanting him to do for you, what you won’t do for yourself.
You can do this Riyo! Give it some time. Start working on your inner strength and you will be completely surprised how that changes everything for you!
Heidi
Hi Katherine!
Wow! Well done! NOW you sound very clear! You have acknowledged and taken ownership about how you personally have affected the situation and to me, that is the most important aspect. Once you take ownership of your own contributions instead of always looking at what the other person is doing, THAT mindset makes you an incredible partner to go through life with!
From what you said, it sounds like he is not going to say something he is not ready to say. So by the time he does say something, you know it will be authentic. Feel free to continue to express yourself and be yourself, but whatever you do say, say it just for yourself WITHOUT the need to hear it in return. He also sounds like the kind of person who may express his feelings more through action vs. words. Have you ever read the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman? http://www.5lovelanguages.com I found it extremely helpful to really look at the different ways people express what they are feeling. It can help you identify his type of language compared to yours. You will see soooo much more about he feels because you will understand his love language better. Does this make sense?
Thank you so much for sharing with us here! I wish you the best on your continued journey and that you find that incredible connection with a man who respects you and inspires you to be more and better each day! ENJOY HIM!
Heidi
Hi Katherine!
It’s so funny how easy those conversations can be or completely awkward. It definitely did not go the way you were intending! That has happened to me many times where I say or do something and the guy ends up having a reaction to it, because of his own past and perceptions about whatever I said or did. It’s a totally normal thing in relationship, the question is more about, can you work through it together?
He seems to be sending some mixed messages by reaching out but also not really connecting with you as much as before. I can see why you are confused. Maybe what is important to really look at is how you guys communicate together. Poor or dysfunctional communication is always in the top 3 reasons for divorce, so when starting out with someone new, it’s a very important aspect to watch and be aware of.
It sounds like he may not be the best at communicating. It does not sound like you feel completely emotionally safe with this guy. How you are explaining your conversations, you describe him as “fishing” therefore you don’t entirely trust his intentions….as well as you “fishing” which also means you don’t feel entirely safe to just be yourself and say what you want to say.
Let me mirror back what you are saying about him so far….you do not feel like you are on the same page, you already expressed how you felt and he had quite a strange reaction to it and would rather kiss you than talk to you about it, his connection changed after that conversation and you feel like he is more “fishing” as opposed to being authentic about what he wants to create with you….and you had a strong connection at some point, but it seems to be waning.
Let me ask you something to help you be a bit more objective….if you were to take away all the connection and attraction and look at what is left between the both of you, do YOU feel there is potential? Meaning…a relationship cannot last on attraction and connection alone…a solid foundation needs to be built for it stand on. Of course each couple’s foundation is going to be different than others, so this is where I am asking you if you feel that the foundation that has been laid already is the type of foundation you want to build on? Do you feel he is likeminded enough in how you approach life, challenges, communication, trust, honesty, friendship? Do you feel you can be completely yourself with him and he can be himself with you?
I am only offering this kind of advice to you, because I am not entirely convinced from what you said, that you are sure about this guy. My intention is also to bring this choice back to YOU vs. putting all the power in his hands as to whether he really likes you or not. How YOU feel is important too. Once you get clear about whether you feel this is worth fighting for or not, THEN you can have a clearer path as to how you want to proceed.
We would love to hear your thoughts! Hope to hear back soon!
Heidi
Hi Maria!
Thank you so much for sharing! Empty nesting is tough!!! I remember my first time going away to college and as excited and happy as I was, I had a TERRIBLE time saying goodbye to my mother. Obviously the kid’s experience it different than the parent who feels it a million times more! I am so glad you have your faith to help you feel more peace and acceptance for this time in your life. Your life is changing forever now. You have more grown up kids now and your role as a mother changes. That is so hard! Good job for making sure you get your needs met!
Okay, onto Wesley: Whether he is guarded or confused, it sounds like he is not giving you as much as what you desire right now. Have you ever tried to talk to him about that before? If you just pull away and become less available and never have a conversation as to why, I imagine he might interpret your actions differently than what you mean and it may cause him to want to pull back.
What is stopping you from talking to him face to face? I understand he likes succinct and to the point, but what do you like? A couple needs to adapt and work through different communication styles all the time. Don’t you think it’s important to see how you both handle communicating with each other face to face? If you guys are not able to handle a conversation of this nature very well, then maybe you would want to know that sooner than later.
Let’s talk about your letter. To be honest, it came across more like you were breaking up with him. Just reading it through first time, I would have to say it didn’t quite communicate what you are telling me you feel about him.
The concept Jame’s teaches a lot about is to appreciate and value a man. Give specific examples! Here is another possible way you could say how you feel: (I obviously made up stuff, so of course you use your own details)
“Wesley…you have shown up in my life and I am having feelings for you that I wasn’t quite expecting…and it feels wonderful. You make me laugh, I get butterflies when I see you, I feel like I can be myself with you. I know I have pulled back the past few months and to be honest, I did that because I am scared. I am wanting a little more out our relationship than something casual and I am not sure if that is something that would interest you. My desire is growing stronger for you so that means I am wanting more time with you. More phone conversations or maybe an extra date night? I am not saying let’s jump into something super serious. I just have reached a point where I need to know if you feel like we have potential or not to grow deeper together.”
Your letter came across that you are not happy and not getting your needs met, so you are pulling away and “maybe” you can re-connect when you get through this phase. What I said above is saying a lot of your needs are being met so much so, that you want more! It will leave him feeling like he is doing everything right instead of everything wrong. Because I imagine he has no idea how you really feel, so as far as he is concerned, all is good with you guys!
Once you open the conversation with telling him how amazing he is, he gets to feel like the hero and feel much more open and willing to talk about your needs and his.
Does this make sense?
Hopefully this helps!
Heidi
Hi Maria! This is such a great question! I first am interested in how you feel there
is a difference between being “guarded” and “emotionally unavailable.” Also, do you have any insight that make him behave in this way? Do you feel it coming from a place of fear for him?Here is a general rule of thumb. If there is anything of a serious or deep nature, I ALWAYS prefer to talk in person first, phone second, email third and text last. Anytime you communicate feelings over technology, there is a VERY HIGH risk of misinterpretation. So talking in person is the best since you both can use all of your senses to connect and express what needs to be said. Phone is still not the most favorable since you cannot see their face.
Would you like suggestions about how to present something of this nature, or do you feel pretty good about what you would like to say?
Thanks for writing in!
Heidi
Hi Minh!
Ha! That’s a valid phobia for sure. It’s quite the risk to lay your heart out there not knowing how someone will respond to it. I don’t know anyone who isn’t afraid of that on some level. Obviously yours is a pretty big fear that is running your life. This is the part where I would invite you to face that fear. There has never been 1 single fear in my life, from GIGANTIC to little, that I was not able to master. Fear is a very normal part of life. The only difference between you, me or the person next door, is what we do with the fear when it decides to pay us a visit. You basically have 2 choices: 1. Face it 2. Let it run your life. “courage is not the absence of fear, but the strength to do what is right in the face of it.”
Here are a couple of fun things to understand about fear:
1. Fear cannot exist unless we are choosing to believe in lies
2. F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real
3. The ONLY way for YOU (the intelligent adult who is connected to truth) to sit in the driver’s seat instead of the fear, is for you to face it and deal with it.So here are some questions for you:
1. What are you afraid will happen if you tell him your feelings?
2. Let’s say the very worst you imagine, does happen…what do you think will happen next?
3. And if the worst were to happen, do you believe you do not have the ability to get through it?Here is the wonderful thing about facing fear. You learn the skill of how to be resilient. I have faced so many fears in my life and the beauty in all of it, is that I have an incredible trust in myself. I would not trade that for the world because today, I so strongly believe in myself, I know that no matter what happens, I will figure out how to get back up again and heal. To me…that is priceless and I have “fear” to thank for helping me find that strength!
Your fear is so big because you do not trust yourself that you will be okay, no matter what happens. Facing fear can end up being entirely painless or it can also create an incredible amount of pain…and that is what you are afraid of…the potential of pain. Listen…that is VERY normal. I sure don’t blame you for avoiding that. But the thing is, you are already in pain. So if you don’t face your fear, you will just keep hurting more and more. To bond with a man to the level you are doing, not knowing if there is any romantic potential…well you are not protecting your heart very well. Reality is, something at some point will break. You cannot keep bonding to this level and have it stay the same. You will eventually have to face it and it won’t end up being on your terms unless you create it to be that way.
So…wouldn’t you rather take control of the situation now? DECIDE to face your fear and get the information you need. Make the choice to love yourself so much so, that you are willing to face your fear. Your heart is at risk here. If you do not value it enough to protect it and care for it in the way you deserve, you are just leaving it open for the taking. He needs to EARN THE RIGHT to have your heart!!! And that means, stop bonding and getting closer without being on the same page.
Here is something I will repeatedly say to myself as I am facing a fear. And when I say repeatedly, I mean ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
“It’s okay to be okay to be me and be more than this fear, and be happy be free and be at peace.” I also take my right hand and place it over my heart area as I am saying it.
The idea is, whenever fear comes up, if you keep looping in in your mind that scary story over and over…that fuels the fire, and you don’t have anything counteracting that scary story….then you have no power over the fear. So it’s times to start telling yourself a new story. A TRUE STORY! The story that you are more than your fear, you are more than the pain…you are also strong and resilient and you will be okay!!
And you know what Minh…you will only know this once it’s happened, but when you end up facing your fear and getting through that moment, no matter what happens, YOU DID IT! You faced something INCREDIBLY difficult and there is a wonderful feeling and gift that comes from that. I hope you will get to feel that soon!
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved.” Helen Keller
You can do this Minh!
Heidi
oops! looks like the video didn’t get inserted….try this: https://youtu.be/rfQnXNo_TIs
Hi Riyo!
Thank you for explaining further. There is a belief or thought you are having that I would like to talk to you about first.
Saying that you are the one that pushed him to the other girl, is actually not true. HE made that choice all by himself. I’m sure there are things you have done that may have upset him or made him feel like he was not getting his needs met. However….HE decided to find another girl instead of work through it with you. What happens when you don’t make him happy again? Is it okay if he finds another girl again? Will you be okay with that?
The reality about relationships is that we all have areas of ourselves that are challenging to deal with. You have areas AND he has areas too. The goal is to find someone who is able to accept our less pretty sides and work through it WITH us…and that means that there is communication and honesty with each other. You spend time figuring out TOGETHER how to deal with the rough spots. When a person decides to cheat, they are not working through anything with their partner. They are hiding from their partner and making a decision that is very unkind and hurtful.
You say he is a gentleman and very sweet. I have no doubt that he is! AND he also lied to you and cheated on you. Do not forget that he has a side to himself that is not nice as well. Make sure you keep perspective about the WHOLE person that he is, not just the good parts.
I am still a bit confused. You want him back, but it sounds like he is asking to be back with you but you are holding back your heart. If you want to be back with him, then I imagine if you just say yes, he will be interested in that. Maybe you can sit down and have a very honest conversation with him about what YOU need as well.
Lastly, I want to address your last statement saying you need to “build your personality to better fit with his kindheartedness.” Riyo, you are lovable and worth being with, JUST AS YOU ARE! It sounds like you don’t believe that about yourself. You are wanting to change so he doesn’t look at other women…he only looks at you. If you don’t love yourself and believe that you are the greatest most amazing woman, then how can you expect him to see that about you if you don’t that about you? If you feel like you are bad, a poor girlfriend, not good enough or anything that is negative, then that is how he will see you too. So if you want to change yourself, then work towards loving yourself. One of my favorite people to follow is Brene Brown. She is a researcher and has some incredible things to say about love and relationships. Her website is http://www.brenebrown.com Here is a video to get you started.
Again, we all have challenges that we can work on so we can improve how we interact with people. Anything you feel you need to get better at, work on it because you want to DO IT FOR YOURSELF….not for anyone else. What about him recognizing that he is cheating AND he is trying to get back with you WHILE HE IS STILL WITH THE OTHER GIRL! He is cheating on her too. He doesn’t sound like someone who is very good at communicating and choosing to work through challenges with just one person. He is being very unkind to both of you. I understand you want to be better, but he has to want to be better too. BOTH of you have some things to work on. If you are the only one trying to be better and he is not working to be better as well, your relationship will continue to grow more and more difficulty.
I wish love was enough to make any relationship work, but it isn’t. Relationships work because 2 people are interested in fighting for each other, communicating, learning and growing together. Do you feel like this is the kind of relationship you could have with him?
I hope this helps Riyo. Keep us updated and let us know more thoughts you have!
Heidi
Hi Riyo! I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. When you find out you are being lied to and fooled by the man you love….well it’s like a major punch to the stomach and you can’t breathe. I’m glad to know that you reached out and started learning more about relationships and that the information James teach was able to help you more! That is great news!
I just have a few questions.
1. What did you end up saying to him that made him want you back?
2. You are saying that you want him back even though he is still with that other girl?
3. I am not sure I completely understand what you are wanting help with. Can you explain it in a different way? You said you love him so much and you need him back to “raise” your relationship. But you also said he wants to get back together with you. Can you offer a bit more detail? I feel like we could help you better if you explained more about exactly what you need help with.Thank you Riyo! (I love your name by the way!)
Heidi
