[Heidi G]

Hi Qianwen,

In general, I would NOT suggest to ask him for financial support. Once money gets entangled between people, it can really cause a mess….especially if the relationship is not solid. Money in general, is an extremely sensitive and dynamic topic for people, so it’s best to only add finances into the picture either when you are married or living together and discussing combining incomes etc. Other than that, keep it out of the picture. It will help keep the relationship more clear and keep a potentially dramatic topic out of the picture.

Good question!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi LH,
Do you have any more details to share about your specific situation? That is such a general and very large topic, that it’s hard to advise on. Every situation is different, every guy is different so how to attract a man and keep him interested can have several different answers.

Have you gone through any of the books? His Secret Obsession or What Men Secretly Want? That might be a good place to start!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi De B,
Yes! The pain will stop! Eventually you will be able to breathe normal again. Eventually you will wake up and not be consumed with the thoughts of him. Yes….there is hope! Right now….it doesn’t feel like it. It’s normal when you separate from the person you love. It breaks your heart and you feel like there is no end in site. Anyone who has lost a loved one, either through a breakup or death, can tell you that they know exactly how you feel. I know how you feel. And we will just keep reminding you that this phase of initial depression and deep heartache will fade with time.

You are not mental! Lol. I get it though. Why would you not want to give up the love of your life who beat you and helped to destroy your self worth. You know what??? That is something you can work with your therapist on. There are a lot of reasons why you are struggling letting go of him. Those reasons are more deep rooted in your heart and something a therapist can help you identify.
Here are some basics though and a something you can begin to practice. Imagine that you have a daughter. Let’s say she is 6 years old and she comes home crying to you, “Mommy….this boy pushed me down today and wouldn’t let me play on the swing. He said I am ugly and can’t play next to him.” She is crying and crying. As a mother, what would your first instinct be to help your daughter? I imagine you would want to comfort her. You would talk to her about what the truth is vs. what the lie is…..which is, she is not ugly, she is beautiful. She is a wonderful person and you are so glad she is around because you really like who she is. That boy does not matter. You would hug her, love her and comfort her in any possible way that you can.
That is what is going on inside of you. You have a little girl who is balling her eyes out because her heart hurts. As the adult, you need to comfort her right now. You need to treat her as if your feelings are delicate, your feelings matter, you listen, you validate, you comfort. That is how you get connected to yourself and work through this intense emotion. It is going to take some time, but you can work through this is you start working with the emotions.
Here is some homework for you.
You are feeling sad and depressed and hurt. What you need most right now is comfort. So make a list of EVERYTHING that brings you comfort (excluding him of course). Here is my list just to give you some ideas:
1.Bouquets of flowers EVERYWHERE
2. Being around animals (you can go to a humane society or somewhere where you can hang out with dogs or something)
3. Volunteering somewhere
4. Makings something (I sometimes go to this place where I can paint my own mug or bowl and then they put it in the fire to make the design permanent)
5. Movies – I love watching movies as a good brain break. I will pick movies where I am watching the main character do what I need to be doing….fighting to get back on my feet (Under the Tuscan Sun, Holiday, 500 Days of Summer, Men of Honor…the point being…you need an outside voice to continue to tell you that you can do it! You can make it!
6. look up EFT and TFT on Youtube. Start tapping like crazy! I will not completely process your emotions, but if you are at a 10 of hurt, when you tap (sometimes several rounds) it can lower the number to a 6 or 5 where it is much more manageable. I use tapping all the time to help me process intense emotions!
7. Find something fun to do. A dance class? Learn how to knit or make jewelry? Learn how to cook? Learn something! Anything that will get your creative juices flowing will interrupt the intense thoughts and feelings you are having right now.
8. I have done this a few times and was AMAZED at how it helped shift my mood for awhile. Buy a dozen roses and go hand them out to strangers. When you give the rose to the stranger, give them a compliment. Or just say, I just wanted to make some people smile today and this is how I am doing it. Helping others and feeling like you are making someone else smile can feel really good!
9. Journal. It helps IMMENSLEY to write everything down. You have so much going on in your head right now that it needs to go somewhere outside of you. If you don’t like to write, one thing that helped with the hardest breakup I have had….I spoke into a digital recorder. Mostly in my car when I was driving. Sometimes I was angry and I told him. Sometimes I missed him dearly and I told him. Sometimes I was angry and I told him. I told him everything I was feeling in the moment….no holding back! It was soooo helpful to just get the words out….to say them! I did that every single day at least once…sometimes up to 5x when I was having and extra hard day.
10. Dance. The point of #9 and #10 is to transform those feelings into something else. When I have been angry, sometimes I will pick the perfect angry song and I just dance angry. Or I will dance out the depression. Getting my body moving and feeling the feelings and letting the music inspire me….its another way to take those intense emotions and DO something with them besides drown in them.
11. Find a voice that inspires you. I LOOOOOVE listening to Brene Brown, Tony Robbins, Oprah, Deepak Chopra, Miriam Williamson….there are so many experts out there that have videos to teach you how to heal. I sometimes, in the darkest moments, would just turn it on and listen. I couldn’t even watch, but I know I heard the words of positive messages. This is another way (along with movies) that you can get some external voices connecting you to the truth…because you are SURROUNDED by lies and that is what is occupying your mind right now…and that is not your fault. Those lies are there for a reason, but your battle right now is to no longer let them have authority over you. Your battle now is to start fighting like crazy to get bury yourself in the truth until it starts to free you up….and at some point it will!
12. Find a support group. There are a ton of groups out there where there are ladies who have gone through the same thing you are going through now. Those groups are normally headed up by a trained therapist that will know how to help you through this time. You may find some inspiration and validation and a light at the end of the tunnel.
And lastly, I understand your story and feeling like you cannot imagine your life without him. What if you continued that story in a different way. Part of re-programming your thoughts and emotions is to start by at least saying it. So here is something you could say. “I cannot imagine my life without him AND I will be okay.” “He is with another woman right now and it hurts so badly AND I choose to make it through this tough time and heal.” “It is all my fault that this is happening AND I choose to learn from my mistakes and I will be okay.” Every time a negative thought comes up, you finish it with the truth. Healing and recovering from intense heartache is a CHOICE! You are going to hurt AND you will heal. But you have to choose to heal. You have to keep telling yourself, even if you don’t believe it, that you are choosing to heal. You are choosing to grow. You are choosing to get back up.
I will say this again and as many times as needed. Your failed marriage is not your fault. Everything that is in him was there BEFORE you met. His view of women, his view of himself, his low self-esteem, his fear, his hunger for power….this all was there from whomever role modeled that to him in some form or another. I agree with Kanya wholeheartedly….I would not be surprised if he has abused several women along the way. All of that anger that he carries inside him like a GIANT BLACK BACKPACK is filled with hurt and dysfunction that happened before you showed up. You just happened to be the target.
I still suggest to disconnect completely. Would you be willing to block his number? That way you will not have to hear from him. Block his email. There is no need to stay connected. You are so vulnerable right now that it is likely you will respond to him…especially if he keeps being nice to you. He knows what works with you and will manipulate you until you respond. You are better off not having to deal with that. You can create some closure and rest by blocking him completely so you can heal.
You can do this! One day at a time, one breath at a time, one meal at a time, one step at a time. Moment to moment…that’s all you need to focus on right now. Just keep taking some deep breathes and work on seeing what you are able to do for yourself from the list above.
Oh! And lastly, I do want to address what he is doing….I have a suspicion that he has some tendencies of Borderline and / or Narcissism. These are both mental disorders in the extreme version, but many times, through traumas in life, we can develop some of these characteristics as a way to function in life. I by no means am diagnosing him with one of these disorders (only a therapist can do that), but if you just google them….it may help you understand a little bit about what and why he is behaving the way he is. Maybe it will help you make more sense about what you are dealing with here.
Keep checking in! We are still here for you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ludwich!
I am a bit confused. In your other post you said you met online and that this guy lives 80 minutes away. I was under the impression that you have met at least once…but maybe I misunderstood.
I again want to ask you…what is making you want to chase this guy? If a guy no shows and doesn’t even text or let you know he won’t make it….AND THEN DOESN”T TRY TO RESCHEDULE with you, he is not that interested. You have tried not text him for a few days. Did he initiate any texting himself? Has he ever tried to initiate meeting up with you on his own?
You want to be a part of his life. That’s a pretty strong thing to say when you have never even met him. I know soooo many people, myself included, who have had AMAZING connections with someone over technology….then when they met for the first time, there was nothing there…at all. It’s amazing how powerful technology can be in fostering connection., so I want you to keep this in mind as well.
What I want to encourage you to do is to slow down. I’m not saying to give up on this guy, but I want you to work towards staying grounded in the reality and truth that you have no idea who this guy is. You are putting in a lot of effort and he is not returning the gesture. That tells you something right there. He says “Yes, I will meet up with you.” Then he doesn’t show up or even text you that he can’t make it. That says he is not his word. He is not a good communicator and is showing you his lack of integrity. Keep that in mind as you continue to try to get his attention.
Lastly….any technique can lose a lot of power and influence when you have not even met the person. You have already tried the “I need your help” approach and that seemed to work. It does not seem to have inspired him to make any more efforts towards getting to know you. Again…I would still recommend to not text….try for a week this time. If he doesn’t initiate anything, I really want to suggest that you let him go. When one person over compensates for the other….when one person does a lot more work towards creating a connection than the other….it creates a HUGE imbalance and can cause a lot of problems.
As far as distinguishing yourself, understand first and foremost, you are already unique. You have a lot of things about you that make you who you are. Knowing that….knowing your value….believing that you are worth knowing and being fought for…THAT IS WHAT WILL DISTINGUISH YOU THE MOST! That kind of confidence will typically attract men quite easily. Making them chase you…make them work to get your attention….they love the chase! If you are too available, if you are too easy to give them what they want….they typically can lose interest easily and lose respect for you.
Have you read “What Men Secretly Want?” I think that is a great place to start. The Respect Principle is what is going to be an important place for you to start.
Keep updating us with any other details that may help us guide you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

OH! one last question….I am really curious how you feel it would help you live a more powerful life by inviting him? I meant to ask you that….I’m interested in your thoughts about that.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emma!
I know Landmark well as I went through their program a few decades ago. It’s a great program! I learned a lot about myself as well! I’m glad you found them!
Here is where I caution you. You are wanting to rescue him. You “know” that if he could just wake up to his limiting patterns that he will feel better, he will change and you guys could possibly be together again in a more healthy way. This is a NON WORKING idea Emma. What I mean by that is that is even if he did wake up to his patterns, it DOES NOT mean he will actually change. Many people will do nothing with the information as it takes more work than just knowing about your pattern. It takes accountability, it takes commitment, it takes more learning, it takes deeper digging, it takes developing a skillset. Learning about yourself is actually just scratching the surface. To make more permanent changes takes time, effort and dedication.
I get that you want to fight for him. I want to just say this….I have done that for so many guys that I have dated through my life. I bought them books, I invited them to events, I had deep discussions with them…and you know what I discovered? I was their fuel. I was their motivation. I am HIGHLY motivated for growth so it is very easy for it to spill over onto the people in my life. But once I went away, they would lose their motivation. They would go back to their own way of living…which was just going through life and not really learning or growing.
Here is what I eventually came to understand….if someone is interested in growth, if someone is interested in healing, if someone is interested in becoming more and facing their fears and limitations…..they will. They will do it completely on their own, because there is something inside of them that NATURALLY drives them towards healing. If someone does NOT have that natural inclination, it is my job to completely accept that is who they are. I no longer want to be the driving force for growth in a relationship. It’s exhausting….and when stress showed up, I would be the one figuring everything out while they would just sit by and do what they had done their whole lives….be passive and just go through life and not be active….just re-active. And I would do all the work for them! I was the teacher, I was the motivator, I was the fire. I kept hoping for more when in reality, I was not accepting them for who they really were.
What I want to invite you to do most, is to accept him for who he is. Even if he went to the event, it does not mean he will join the program. If he joined the program, it does not mean that he will actually do the work. Landmark is an intense experience. Someone has to really be ready to strip themselves. He may not be ready….ever. Even if he did go to the event, it does not mean that you guys will get back together.
The hardest part about growing and expanding yourself, is that a lot of relationships that worked well, no longer work well. I have had to say goodbye to countless friends, family and romances because they needed to go at their own speed of growth, just as I needed to….and that speed was too different to serve either of us. I became not healthy for them and they became not healthy for me….no right or wrong….just different. Does this make sense?
If you want to invite him to the event, you need to do it without expectation. You see his potential, you see your potential together AND that is all it is…potential. You will do yourself and him a HUGE favor if you accept him for who he is…and who he is in this moment, is the kind of guy who really isn’t interested in truly diving deep into who he is. You are going to Landmark. What has he done…ever….to grow and learn about himself? Is he the type to read books, go to programs, talk in depth about how he is learning and changing his life all on his own? Or are you the one to initiate that in him?
You get to do whatever you want Emma. It may be a really good thing to invite him. You will get to see his response and how he handles it. It will give you more information about him that maybe you need to see. But again…check yourself. NO EXPECTATIONS other than having a friend join you for an event. This is more about you than it is about him.
When deciding whether or not you want to invite him, ask yourself this question…..why? What is your truest purpose in it? If your purpose is to be around him and connect, to hope that he learns about himself so he can grow, to hope that maybe he sees you differently and that you are changing….those are not pure intentions. If your purpose is to strictly invite him without attachment….where you don’t feel like it matters whether or not he attends or whether or not he does anything further about it….and your only purpose is to just expose him to a different way of thinking….then that is more of a pure intent. Does this make sense?
You are seriously awesome for checking in and asking for guidance! I always highly respect people who are brave enough to ask for other viewpoints and guidance outside of what they want to do. It’s not easy to expose yourself like that. Well done Emma!
Keep us updated. I would love to hear your thoughts about this!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh wow! He is abusive! I am so sorry! It is very normal to get caught up into their story and their perception of you! I am glad you have a therapist that can help you through this hard time. There is NOTHING easy about separating from him. The very first step is making the choice and taking action. That is sometimes the hardest part. Yes…you will cry….yes, you are going to feel your heart hurt. That is normal and that is something you will have to work through, but listen….it’s much better to work through a broken heart than to be beaten, hurt and have to watch your animals be hurt as well.

And let’s be clear here….he DOES NOT LOVE YOU! He does not have the capability and it has nothing to do with you. He will continue with this behavior no matter who he ends up with. His unhappiness and abusive behavior lives IN HIM and it is no one else’s fault except for his own.

You run away as fast as you can. No more emails, no more texts and BLOCK him!!! IMMEDIATELY!!! See if you can have other people deliver anything that needs to be signed by him. What you need to understand about yourself right now is that you DO NOT have the strength to face him right now and be able to have a clear mind. You are still under his influence and authority. So you need to NO LONGER have any dealing with him, as you will subject yourself to more abuse…whether verbal or physical. It’s time for you to start protecting yourself. Process those divorce papers now!!!! And of course he will try to keep you connected to him as he got a power fix off of you. Once you really disconnect, he may come after your attention even stronger…and who knows how long this next girl will last. Hopefully she will discover sooner than later that she needs to get away from him but he may end up trying to come back for you.

So you need to be careful from now on. When he realizes that he is losing control over you, he may start to push the line and show up at your work or your house or where you are at and try to re-connect. The more you say no, the more he may come after you. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!! Tell people around you to keep an eye on your living quarters. Tell people you trust at work what is going on. This guy may not do anything and let you go easily, but he may not, so you need to be prepared for the worst….just in case.

You are NOT anything of what he said! His viewpoint of you….or any woman for that matter….is going to be sooooo skewed because he has no respect for women and only views them as something to own and control….someone taught him that! That was there before he even met you, so NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!

It will absolutely take some time for you to find yourself again. Cry as much as you want and do whatever you have to do to never talk to this guy again, unless you have someone with you who will be able to help protect you from his verbal assaults.

And no offense to your mother, but if she knew you were being abused and told you to work it out anyways….then I would not trust her with any personal information about this. Her viewpoint and what she thinks is okay…IS NOT OKAY!!! You need to be surrounded by people who will help protect you, remind you of your value, tell you of your worth and help you climb your way back up to the full potential that you have inside of you!! It does not sound like your mother would be one of those people….I don’t know.

All I have to say is that abuse….ON ANY LEVEL…is coming from a very sick individual who is NEVER okay to be around. Your focus now, needs to be on working on the part of you that felt that love with an abusive man. Your definition of love is not clear. Your viewpoint of yourself is not clear. And that okay! When situations like this happen, we get to wake up and learn about where our viewpoints need to shift in order for us to be the best version of ourselves possible!!! And I am willing to bet that the best version of who you are is pretty amazing!!!

Do you have people that can help you through this??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi De B!
I am so sorry you are having to go through this! It is so shocking to build this idea and dream around someone who decides they no longer want to participate. It’s hurtful, it’s heartbreaking and shocking, to say the least.
I wish I could tell you what to do exactly, but reality is, this is YOUR choice. No one can tell another person when they need to be done hurting and let go. So I am going to ask you to pretend you are someone else for a second.

Imagine you are at lunch with a girlfriend and she tells you that her husband has asked for a divorce. You ask her what happened? Then she proceeds to tell you all of these things:

1. He says that he needs someone to be able to understand him and care for him in a way that I never have been able to
2. He has had multiple affairs
3. He is currently having and affair
4. He gets angry so easily. There are a lot of ups and downs with him
5. He blames me for everything that gone wrong in our marriage. It’s all my fault
6. I have such low self esteem these days. I feel horrible about myself and he just keeps re-enforcing that
7. He asked me to make a list of all the things I was doing wrong in the relationship just so he could prove to me that we are not a good fit
8. He asked me to stop contacting him and has no interest in trying to work anything out.
Then your friend asks you, what should I do? Should I just agree to the divorce now? Or maybe I should wait. Do you think that maybe something could change? I really love him and want to be better for him. What do you think I should do?
What would your advice be to her?
And lastly, I want to address a few things here. We all have low self-esteem and when we end up with a partner who magnifies that vs. help heal those parts of ourselves, it can be very damaging! So of course you are feeling really low about yourself. He wants to blame you for everything. And in his mind, that is okay and that is his reality. THE TRUTH IS: nothing is ever any one person’s fault. He was part of this design and absolutely contributed to the design of your marriage. Let’s look at this realistically….he has cheated on you several times. Did you make him go do that? He is an angry person…did you MAKE him angry? NO! People that have short fuses and a lot of ups and downs have a TON of baggage from their past that has never been resolved. You may have been the one to push the button, but it is HIS fault that the baggage is there in the first place. It existed waaaaaaay before you ever came along. So truth be told, you BOTH have been brought to this point of divorce because of BOTH of your decisions. He would rather blame you completely instead of take responsibility for his choices. It’s important for you to keep making that distinction so you don’t allow his voice to be the only voice you are listening to.

He is also displaying strong narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists will not ever take responsibility for anything they have done. They rarely, if ever, apologize….they typically blame all the dysfunction on the other person, they pretty much do whatever they want without regard to how it makes someone else feel and they usually feel completely justified in everything they do. I don’t know him, but from what you are telling me…he has strong tendencies towards that type of thinking. The reality is, someone like that cannot be negotiated with. Everything they say….they believe. You could tell them that the sky is blue….along with 2,000 other people saying the sky is blue…and a narcissist will say, no….it’s purple. And there is NOTHING you can do to convince them otherwise. They won’t even care what other people are saying. This sounds like the kind of guy you are dealing with.

So my very basic advice to you is this….understand what you are dealing with. It won’t matter how many self help books you read or how much better you become as a wife, he will ALWAYS blame you for anything that goes wrong. He will continue to say things to you that magnify your low self-esteem. He will continue to have affairs. He will continue to go about his life as he pleases, without regard to you. If you decide you want to fight for this guy and stall another month in hopes that he may change his mind….know what you are asking for. Be VERY CLEAR about who your husband REALLY IS! Don’t hope for him to be different or change. That is never fair to anyone…not even him. He deserves to be accepted and loved just as he is. Are you able to do that? Imagine 10 years down the road…is he someone you would be proud to be connected with? Do you imagine feeling amazing and strong and cared about and loved by him in 10 years (remember he is who he is….not the guy you wish for him to be)

Hopefully this helps continue to give you perspective. Ultimately, the choice you have right now is more about yourself and not him. Are you going to fight for yourself and decide you no longer want to go through feeling as small as ant under his shoe? Maybe you are ready to get your self esteem back….maybe not. How do YOU want to feel?

Keep us updated!!!!
Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ludwich!

Thanks for writing in! I am wondering how long you have known this guy? It’s tough starting out a relationship with distance being a challenge….especially when you met online.

What I have found about online dating is that many people have a lot of choices. That means if one person is a little difficult or there are challenges (like distance) that are there, it is quite easy to not invest much energy into that person and focus attention onto the others that you are interacting with online.

My instinct is telling me that his attention is probably elsewhere and that the distance between you guys may be too much effort for him….especially since he is so busy.

The first thing I would suggest is to stop inviting him. Allow him to participate in the relationship by allowing him to initiate. If you stop making all the effort and watch how he responds, you will learn A LOT! He will either start to initiate contact with you and make more efforts or he won’t. And if he doesn’t, I would recommend to create closure inside yourself and let this one go. In the beginning of a blooming relationship, it needs to feel more easy than difficult. If difficulty is showing up in the beginning, that’s not a good sign. You are already feeling like he is not very interested in you. I want to ask you, what is making you hold onto this guy? He is not making any effort, he is not even asking you how your day was….so what is stopping you from moving your attention to someone else who is showing interest in connecting with you?

Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Elisabeth! You have an incredible awareness and connection to some deep truths. You are a seeker of truth. You seek deep understanding of the core root causes for what shows up in life. You are quite the warrior maiden! What a beautiful soul you are!

I want to address 2 things:

1. You feel regretful for not having been different. First I want to say that you are actually not correct in saying that if you were different, you guys would still be together. First, there is absolutely NO WAY that you could know something like that. Second, he is part of the design as well. He is making certain choices to not face his shadow and handle it in a way that is very different than your approach. That is IN HIM! So no matter how you show up, he still has his own design of how he is going to respond to himself and to you. So I want to invite you into looking deeper into your regret. We can only do better when we know better. Reality is, we could all live in regret for the rest of our lives right? Because we are always learning and unraveling new aspects of ourselves. So instead of regret, find the love and connection with yourself that you are just learning. That’s it. You are not bad or wrong or good or bad…you just are. You are doing the best you know how and that is ALL that is required. And your best, in this very moment, is a little more because you are seeing where you could use some improvement. So now you know…and now you will move forward with this new information and create a different experience. THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM! I have a feeling you probably would have ended up in this very same place at some point…since he doesn’t seem to be facing his shadow side very well…that means that it would end up leaking out, at some point, no matter who he is with. It is something HE is in relationship with…even if you were different…even if you made different choices and behaved differently in the past…THAT DOES NOT CHANGE HIS SHADOW and his relationship with that side of himself. It is not your job to be “better” so he doesn’t have to feel that part of himself. Make sense??

2. You are afraid of never finding someone again. I get it. I am not going to say not to feel that. I want to say…feel it, but finish the story. When you just say, “I am 59 and I feel that I may have missed that chance to share my life with a deeply love one” you are not completing the story. You are leaving your poor heart hanging out there with no resolution. What if you said instead, “I am afraid I may have missed my chance to love deeply. AND I am more than my fear. AND I can be happy, be free and be at peace. NOW!” That way you are telling your system that you CAN be happy, whether or not love like this will show up again. Reality is, you just don’t know. It is VERY possible and is also is not possible. That is the future and having thoughts as if you know your future is unhealthy. You decide, RIGHT NOW, that no matter what shows up in your life…romantic love or not…you are going to be happy, be free and be at peace. There is NO OTHER WAY TO LIVE! So each time this fear shows up, say the WHOLE story and watch how your spirit will get more grounded in the truth vs. the fear.

Please keep us updated! I would love to hear more of your thoughts and how you are doing!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

You rock! On holiday, exercising, starting French, starting piano, making your own beauty products….whaaaat? You kick ass! You are doing everything you need to for some TLC and all things that are soul food! I cannot compliment you enough for your choices!

You will be receiving an email shortly with the information for that woman and how to reach her. I will write something up for you, then it has to go through a few portals first before it gets to you, so keep a lookout for it this week. If you do not get the info by Friday, let me know and I will do some checking!

Sending you more and more good vibes for healing and regeneration! And please keep in touch!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh wow! Something like that is so shocking! I am so sorry!

I think the most frustrating thing about a situation like this is that he didn’t even give you a warning. Although things were challenging, you would at least hope that he would say…”We need help. I am more unhappy than ever and I am considering a divorce. Something needs to change or we cannot continue.” I imagine that would have caught your attention!

What is most sad is that he chose NOT to communicate with you. He chose to deal with his “unhappiness” by going to find someone else. Man is he in for a rude awakening. He thinks this other girl is going to solve his problem. He thinks YOU were the problem! Listen…I’m sure there were dynamics between you guys that did not work very well….BUT…it is HIS job to learn how to be happy….to talk about his needs….to set the boundaries he needs to….to ask for what he wants….THAT IS HIS JOB!!!! NOT YOURS! You are NOT responsible for his happiness!!! We all are responsible for our own happiness and when we are not happy, that means we better find a way to figure out what is missing and work towards our happiness…hopefully in a healthy way.

I find it interesting that he wants YOU to make a list of everything you have done “wrong.” I am wondering…. what’s the point? If he is already signing divorce papers and is moved out etc…why talk about it anymore? The only reason to talk about stuff like that is to work on things…but he clearly has shown you he is not interested in working on things with you. I ABSOLUTELY would not go meet him with that list!!!! That is a dangerous kind of conversation unless you have some VERY good communication skills and that there is a healthy point to the conversation. Even at that….I would recommend having a 3rd party be apart of the conversation so nothing gets out of control…because that is an EASY conversation that could go down south.

What I would talk about is what worked with you guys and what didn’t work. That is a great list! You guys got married for a reason…what worked??? And why??? Then you can head into what didn’t work…and why? That way it is a conversation about BOTH of you and how you interacted with each other vs. what either of you did “wrong.” What is “wrong” is a matter of opinion anyways.

So what I would do is to go into the conversation tonight with a reporter type of mindset. Pretend you are going to write an article about why men get divorced and you are using him as a “case study.” This will help you be in a “curious” type of mindset. When you are curious, you will hear more, learn more and experience so much more that way! It will also help keep the conversation out of the dumps…it can help keep it more positive instead of heavy and yucky.

I know you love this guy and want to fight for him. Let me ask you this though….knowing now that he just up and left and started an affair…without ever talking to you about fighting harder for the relationship….he is showing you how he handles his unhappiness. Where is his skillset to deal with HIS unhappiness? He is blaming you instead of taking responsibility for it. If he is doing this now…he will do it again…unless he gets help and learns a better skillset…so is this the kind of guy you want to have in your life? Imagine 10 years down the road and he does something like this again because he is unhappy. If he never takes responsibility for his choices and how he feels, he will continue this pattern, or something similar. Are you sure you want to fight for a guy who won’t even fight for himself?. I understand you love him. but that also means you are able to love this side of him too. It means that you accept that he will run from how he feels. It means that you accept he can bail at anytime. It means that you accept he will blame you for his unhappiness. Just something to think about!

I wish you the best in your conversation tonight. Please keep us updated. We want to help you through this!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Mel! Oh my you ARE quite the warrior! It is incredibly difficult what you just went through and saying goodbye to an important person in your life! Wow! You finally chose yourself over him…and that was necessary.

Just like Kanya mentioned, stay disconnected. DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN! He may want to try and charm his way back into your life, but if you block his number, don’t respond to ANYTHING….he won’t get the chance. You need to heal and recover and get his energy out of your life. He was so disrespectful and uncaring. He had no regard for you and certainly has no interest in your needs. YUK!

Going forward I would suggest to get some reading material on “Narcissism.” He definitely displayed a lot of those behaviors. The more you understand what to look for, the more you will know how to watch for it in the future so you never step into a situation like this again.

I am so proud of you! You will have ups and downs as you recover….stay connected with us! We are here to help support you through this time, so please keep us updated on how you are doing!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emma!

Wow! So much has happened! I am in alignment with what Kanya keeps mentioning….focus on the friendship and take this slow. Give him enough time to initiate…make him feel like he misses you. Be sort of unavailable. I am sooooo glad your interaction with him went really well! I’m sure that made you feel so amazing and filled you with some hope.

If the time came to talk about the breakup, I would not head down the path of saying you are done trying to be with him….because it is not true. One thing you need to stay connected to, while playing the “games” so to speak, is to make sure that you don’t head into not being authentic and truthful with what you are saying to him. So I would go more along the lines of something like this…”I am not interested in getting back together with you and have our relationship be the same. I have a done a lot of growing and I do not want to fall back into our old patterns. That’s why I think being friends for awhile or maybe we can go on some dates again, would be a great things for us…and we can see if we can have healthier interactions. You were right when you said that maybe if we matured more, we could be better together. That is what matters to me most. I still have a lot of stuff to work on, but I am learning.” I would even suggest that you share with him what you are learning about yourself and how you are working to make some changes. If there is discussion about getting back together on some level, I would suggest to make a plan with him. Decide to maybe go on 10 dates BEFORE you are intimate again (talk about revving up the fore play and desire for each other). Decide how you want your relationship to work. I would discuss the factors that caused you guys to break up in a way that is a teaching and learning moment for both of you. How can you guys improve (specifically) on the issues that caused a disconnect. It’s one thing to say, yes! let’s be better! but it’s another thing to get specific as to HOW that is going to happen. Create some actions steps with each other. I have no idea if he will be willing to go through all of that with you. If not, then it will be VERY easy for you both to fall into the old patterns again and that is not what either of you want.

You are doing a great job Emma! Keep us updated and keep checking in!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Modupe!

You and I are so similar. I am also introverted, I also had some horrible role modeling and actually have a TON of reasons to “hate” men, but I don’t. I grew up surrounded by boys and am always very comfortable around them and find them so fascinating and wonderful. I also have gotten so triggered by them. Love and romance are soooooo scary because you are risking with your heart. At any given moment, the person you are connected with could stomp on it and make you feel the worst pain in the entire world!!! You just never know…so of course you are afraid and of course you were uncomfortable with this guy. You felt something you have never felt before and it was so scary! And still is! I think it’s great! He took you beyond your comfort zone and that is how we grow and strengthen.

Let’s see if I can help you create a different mindset around love and romance. Let’s look at the cold, hard truth.
1. Love triggers. We all have “fault” lines (like the fault lines in the earth). Love will expose those areas where we have cracks. Those cracks exist because of low self esteem, false beliefs, past traumas and wounds.
2. Love is a risk. At any given moment, someone can decide to leave you, hurt you, they may die. It is true of any relationship that exists. There are no guarantees. There are things you can do to increase the odds of sustainability (I’ll talk about that later), but reality is, love is just a risk…and it’s a risk every single day. To me, when someone really understands that and gets that, they are able to value love more. They are able to respect love more. They are in relationship with love in a much more clear way. They will have more strength to love deeper.
3.Love shows up according to the people designing it. When I loved at 18, then 25, then 32, then 37….each experience was different because I was different. Love will match the people who are interacting with it. It does not discriminate against what “ingredients” go into making it. Love invites all the light and all the dark that exists in each person. That’s why love can be sooooo hard and that’s why love is not enough to keep anything together. Love shines the light on the hurt and dysfunction just as much as the beauty and connection and how 2 people handle those dynamics are what determines how healthy the love is.

When you think of love that way…I don’t know a person alive who wouldn’t be afraid to have that experience…and who wouldn’t be afraid to go deeper and deeper? If someone is NOT feeling afraid of love, they are not truly connected to the depth of what love offers….at least that is my opinion. Funny thing is, I have this test…sort of. If I meet a guy and I feel my complete, confident self….I feel grounded and centered and not worried at all about our interactions….that is NOT the guy for me! I am looking for something sustainable and passionate that takes me beyond my comfort zone. So….I am looking for a guy that makes me question who I am. I am looking for a guy who makes me feel nervous and makes me feel my low self-esteem thoughts like, “Why would a guy like this, be interested in me?” Ha! I know that sounds funny, but I am an extremely strong personality and a guy who can shake that up, is a guy worth getting to know. The last guy that I decided to get to know….I was sooo nervous, I was watching myself stutter occasionally, I was watching myself have a funny kind of laugh that was NOT normal, I was watching myself feeling self-conscious about my appearance…..hahaha! All in all….I found it sooooo fun!!! I never get to feel like that. The guys was extremely intelligent, very strong personality and the vibe in our conversations was electric. What was funny was I was noticing him having the same kind of experience of himself as I was. It was hilarious!!! No…it did not work out…..which is totally okay….but that to me was beautiful! I was unnerved! I live my every day life confident and grounded, so I got to feel something totally different that was just plain fun. I, of course, had to work myself through some stuff post conversations, but that’s okay! It made me feel alive! It made me feel parts of myself that I never get to connect to and that is always a wonderful gift. The other gift is that this time around….I actually laughed and found this little journey quite fun. If I were to go through this 10 years ago….I would have the same response as you. I would have hated it…I would have done everything I could to NOT feel that way and I would have judged myself for it. So I got to see how much I have grown. Yay! Hopefully me sharing something personal will give you some hope, validate your experience and help give you some perspective of a different way to look at it.

Okay…I have a TON of things to say about love, but there are 2 things I want to leave you with for right now.

1. Learn to put trust in yourself vs. the other person. What allows me to be more comfortable taking a risk to open up with a man, is the trust I have with myself…that no matter what this guy does, no matter what I end up doing….I AM RESILIENT. I have the skills to handle rejection, disappointment, abandonment etc. I also have good accountability. I have a life coach I work with to help me through anything I need help with. Which by the way…if you are interested in getting some help, I would HIGHLY recommend her! She is brilliant! And her methods work super fast. It’s more than just talking…she has different techniques as well to help you move out the hurt much faster. She works with people from around the world through skype and / or phone. She does not have a website as she works by referrals only. Being that you and I are similar (I want blunt, hard truths and I want to heal) I think you will match with her style very well. So hold tight and I will find a way to get her number to you privately. Anyways….trusting that you will be able to handle anything you need to…allows you to be more comfortable risking in love.

2. It’s important to also be cautious. It takes awhile to get to know someone. You may not have entirely let go in the past because something in you didn’t quite feel safe enough with that person. Or…maybe it was all in you…who knows! The biggest thing that I am always watching in a man, is how he handles stress. I want to know, that in every single situation, he will treat me with respect, honor my feelings and needs and that he will work through the challenges WITH ME! I want to know that he is the kind of person that will be as safe as possible to hand my heart over to….and in order to see how a guy handles stress, that takes time and a lot of experiences together to build that trust with him. He could totally break that trust at some point, but maybe not. Who knows…that’s why trusting in yourself needs to be solid and strong FIRST….then you can build trust with someone else.

Does this make sense? I know I have said a lot in this….so let me know if you have some questions!

Heidi

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