Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Danijela!
Wow! This sounds like quite the tricky situation. There are many dynamics going on here that can be confusing and misleading. First, I am so sorry about your current husband. There is nothing more frustrating and challenging and hurtful that to watch your partner disappear from you and not fight for themselves or you. I can see why you do not respect him or see him as a man anymore. So tell me what your current situation is? Are you guys still living together? Do you have any kind of agreement that you are getting a divorce or that you can see other people?
I want to say the you and the new guy COULD BOTH be delusional on some level….and here is why:
1. He thinks that he can connect with you, text you all day long, help you fix things, be intimate with you, tell you how amazing you are and then have you NOT attach??? He is either really young and naïve and does not know what he is doing….or he knows exactly what he is doing. I have seen and known a handful of guys who were BRILLIANT at getting a woman really connected by treating them EXTREMELY well…better than they have ever been treated….all the while saying, “We are just having fun.” I don’t want to go into the dynamics about that game they are playing and how it works….I just want you to be aware that what he is asking from you….to “just have fun and not get attached” is COMPLETELY CONTRADICTORY with how he is treating you. If it really was “just fun” there would not be so much connection, texting, effort etc. He has a bit of an advantage driving a truck and being gone for weeks at a time and having the freedom to be and do as he pleases. That kind of life makes it really easy to “not attach” while still having women they can connect with to keep them “grounded” so to speak. Does this make sense? I just want to caution you. He is really, really playing with your heart.
2. I would say that you “falling for him” is a bit delusional in the sense that you are a woman who has been walking in the desert for a very long time without water. Then all of a sudden, you come across some water. You are DYING of thirst that you don’t even look at what is in the water. All that matters is that you get something wet in your mouth. And it tastes INCREDIBLY good! That water could be toxic, it could be muddy and unhealthy….or it could be really good for you. The thing is, since you have been without water for AGES, there is NO WAY you are going to have a clear perspective about that water. You will not be able to tell if it is good for you.
Do you have a therapist or a coach that can help you with all that you are feeling? There is obviously a lot of anger and hurt from your current husband. I would like to encourage you to work through those FIRST before you consider giving your heart to another man.
Lastly….be aware that you just tried to hand your heart to him by telling him that you are falling for him…and his reply, in his very sweet worded way….was no. He does not want it. I really encourage you to listen to that. He is also 23. There is a lot of growing up to do. He says right now he doesn’t want to get married, but who knows. I am wondering if he just is saying that to keep you at bay so he can keep “having fun” with you without getting serious.
These are some things to think about. I would love to hear your thoughts and any more details that will help us advise you better!
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Cindy,
I am sorry you have to go through this. It is extremely difficult to let go of a dream with someone. It sounds like you have finally had enough. It sounds like you are finally ready to really fight for yourself and what you want….and that means respecting and honoring the choices he makes on how he designs his life. In accepting him for EXACTLY who he is, that means you need to let go because his design of his day does not match yours.
If you have any more thoughts or frustrations or challenges as you go through this next phase in your life, let us know!
This can be a really good time for rebuilding and creating new thoughts and dreams! If you want help with that, we are here for you.We wish you the best!!!
Hi Elisabeth!
I am so glad you are getting away to do an Ayurvedic retreat! I wish you tons of healing and regeneration while you are there!
You have an incredible amount of strength to see the truth of yourself and the situation and face this head on. I am very impressed by you! One day at a time, one breath at a time.I understand the stripping of yourself without a man. About 6 years ago, I started a similar journey and it has intensified and grown in many different ways since that journey began. It was a very hard time in my life, but I SAW, for the first time, how much I had identified myself as female through men. I was so used to getting attention, getting looked at, getting asked out my whole life. Then all of a sudden, it ALL stopped. No reason! It just all stopped. Guys wouldn’t even look at me anymore. And then I realized how much of my self esteem and my femaleness was connected to all of that. It was the first time in my life I was single….I mean REALLY single. No men, no flirting, no exchanges of energy….NOTHING. Wow! I tried to change whatever was happening, but nothing shifted this phase that I was supposed to go through. So I then instead went inside and started reshaping myself, my femaleness, my self worth…without male energy. Man it was hard. I can’t even begin to explain how stripping it was. So I feel your challenge, I feel your depth and I feel how lost you are experiencing yourself. You can do this! It’s temporary and you have the power, strength and intelligence to re-birth and transform those deep, dark waters into something that will strengthen you even more.
If you are interested in a getting help with a Life Coach, I know someone. I have worked with her for years and I have never met anyone who can take me so deep and help me clear the heaviest stuff….so fast. She is brilliant at what she does. She works with people from all around the world who skype with her and even sometimes fly in to see her for an intensive weekend. I can send you her information privately. She helped me A TON through that phase of stripping and connected me to the pain and beliefs that I was holding onto. It would have taken me soooo much longer to go through if it were not for her. She could be another great resource for you eventually.
Safe travels Elisabeth!
We look forward to hearing from you when you get back!!!
Heidi
Hi Cindy,
Wow…I can see why this is really frustrating for you! It’s so hard to just watch someone completely consume themselves in work and you become non existent. I’m sorry you are going through this….I just have a few questions for you
1. What ARE you getting from him that makes you want to stay and fight for him? What needs ARE being met?
2. Has it always been like this….him being so busy?
3. What EXACTLY do you want from him? You say you want more attention, but what kind of attention? and for how long?
4. Do you see an end in site? Do you see that maybe in a year or so, his stress load will decrease?Lastly, if he hops on the phone while he is with you, maybe you can consider going about your day and doing whatever you need to do. He obviously is going to choose work over you right now, so when he does in thos moments, maybe you can go run some errands. You can always just whisper…”I love you. I’m going to go get some things done. Call me when you have some time.” Then leave. Is that something you feel you can do?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Oh Arleen! What a tough situation! I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. So if I understand correctly, he is living in Kenya right now? Is that far away from where you are at right now? Do you know how long this will be going on for? Wow…this must be beyond difficult for him right now!
I just want to validate that it is not unusual for someone under an extreme amount of stress to disconnect and distance themselves. Every ounce of their energy is focused on surviving. Sexual energy is typically alive and active when there is enough energy to go into being passionate and connective. He is definitely not in that place right now. Not only is he a man (they typically retreat and like to do everything themselves) but you are also dealing with a Kenyan. Have you ever looked into the cultural role that men play? What is their role as a husband / father / caretaker? It might be something to look into so you can better understand what he grew up with.
I want you to first work on not taking this disconnect personally. I imagine that any woman would feel a disconnect from him in this situation. This is not about you not being enough. The hard part is that I imagine all his attention and energy is going into helping his family and there is nothing left over for you. But I also imagine that the moment you might ask him for something or need something from him, it would overwhelm him. This is why I teach people the skillset of how to take care of themselves without the help of their partner. Reality is, our partners are not always going to be there for us because they just can’t. So what do we do then? Having a skillset of how to take care of ourselves emotionally while our partner is recovering from whatever is happening….allows them the freedom and safety to know that they can go do what they need to do and we will be okay. Is there anyone you can talk to about this on a deeper level?
You are feeling rejected and unimportant in his life. It may just be like that for awhile until he can catch his breathe. What can you do to give yourself what you need? He is not able to help you, so how can you help you? It helps to find some fun activities to get involved with. I have no doubt there are a ton of support groups you can maybe join and create some friendships and get some ideas about how to best support your guy. Are there any hobbies that you love doing? I’m not saying that any of this will take away your desire to connect, but it can soften the edge of it. It can help make it more manageable.
When dealing with him, I would suggest that when you do talk with him, stay light and positive. Make sure you are telling him how much you appreciate him and value his life. You can do that in various ways. Send him love letters, send him pics, maybe write in a journal everyday for 2 weeks and then send him that journal, then he can write in it for 2 weeks and you guys keep sending it back and forth. The concept here, is that your need to connect is gonna have to happen in a creative way that will fill him up vs. deplete him. So by giving to him, it will fill the gas tank a bit to maybe allow him to give a little back. Maybe you and your kids could make something for him and send it over there. Think of whatever you can do to help him through this, even if it’s just little things. The mindset you need to have right now, is how can I be the best friend possible for him? Because that is what he needs most….his friend.
Do you have any ideas about how to go about helping him out? How can you be his best friend right now? How can you also get your needs met on your own right now?
I’m so sorry you are both going through this. This is really difficult!
Please stay connected. We are here to help!
Heidi
Hi De B!
Wow! I bet this feels wonderful to have him chase you, especially after going off with another woman. I imagine it feels quite satisfying since it makes you feel valuable!
I do want to encourage you to stay far away. He is abusive and manipulative and many times those kind of people come back when they start to feel like they are losing power. So once he gets his power back with you, he will go back to abusing and being with other women. I guarantee it!
The only way to know if he is truly serious about you and how he feels, is if he actually gets some help. He is sick De B. He has a lot of thoughts and feelings going on inside that are not going to go away just because he feels sorry right now. He has some VERY DEEP problems and the only way for those to start to go away, is if he spent some time (at least a year MINIMUM, with a counselor who specializes in his problems) He may even need medicine. Did you read anything about the “borderline personality disorder” that I sent you? Or the Narcissistic tendencies?
I will say this again…STOP CONTACT! Block his phone number and email so that you don’t have to deal with the temptation of getting back together with him. To be very blunt, he sees you as weak. He has no respect for you and therefore you have no respect for yourself. If all he has to do is beg your forgiveness and proclaim his love for you and then he gets you back….then beats you, then has MORE affairs….then breaks up again, then begs your forgiveness and proclaim his love for you….Do you see the cycle you are considering entering into with him? If you decide to connect on any level…have dinner, keep talking etc. he will know that he can get whatever he wants from you AND do whatever else he wants on top of that….more affairs, more beatings, more blaming you for his unhappiness.
I’m curious….what do you want? Do you TRULY want him back? Do you want to go back to how you guys were? Honestly? If you do, you absolutely get to make that choice. Maybe you need to be hurt really bad again to remember who he really is. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
Yikes! That hurts that he exposed private information to someone within your work circle. I have had that happen before and I have also done the same to someone else. It sucks. It’s even more of a bummer that he tried to defend himself vs. really take responsibility for the trust that he broke. My guess is, he felt horrible though. A lot of people defend when they are so overwhelmed about the hurt they caused. One more thing for you to process now.
I am not so keen on the idea of meeting once a month to do any type of processing with each other. Maybe after you have had some time to heal and feel more grounded in your own power, then maybe it could work. I just usually recommend to stay away from the person you are trying to disconnect from, to allow your heart healing. Otherwise, you could just keep getting triggered over and over each month and the healing could take a loooong time….plus it’s a way to stay connected instead of allowing each other to disconnect and redesign a life without each other.
As far as you telling him you are going to move forward with someone else….is this true?
I am going to be blunt here, so please forgive me if it’s too much for you! It is manipulative and it is not in the spirit of authenticity. It was more in the spirit of “You hurt me by betraying me and exposing information we agreed not to expose. So now, I am going to try and hurt you back by telling you I have met someone else….therefore, I am getting my power back.” Even if it was true, you were trying to get your power back through an external way (through him) vs. finding your inner power which I know is what you ultimately want anyways. You would have found your power through forgiveness and being free from the hurt and I think you know that. But listen….I have done what you have done a gazillion times and most of the time, I knew exactly what I was doing and chose it anyways! I get it, I understand it on a very deep level, which is why I am recognizing it through what you are saying. I could totally be wrong though….so PLEASE correct me if I am inaccurate. Technology is always an unpredictable way of communicating. If I am accurate, then I would encourage you to do your own ceremonies, claim your body, mind and soul back to yourself….in whatever fashion that speaks to you. Hurt comes from having unmet expectations. You expected him to keep things confidential and he didn’t AND he defended instead of cared about your hurt which just intensifies your feelings. Work with that inside of your heart until the pain and hurt is gone.
Let me know your thoughts!!! It’s wonderful to hear back from you! Again, sending you lots of healing and regenerative energy!!!
Heidi
Hi Laurie,
I would love a little more information from you. It will help to know how to best guide you.
How often do you guys communicate with each other? Is it texting, video chat, phone? How did the weekend go together?
So what I am guessing you are saying is that he makes no effort at all to see you? Have you asked to get together and he just keeps saying he is busy? Do you have any guesses at all as to why he is not making any effort?
Lastly, when you say you want him to make more effort to see you, what exactly does that mean? What do you want? Once a month visits?
How do you know that he cares about you? What does he do that makes you feel that way?
Hope to hear back from you soon!
Hi Emma!
I love that you keep checking in!!! It’s wonderful to hear from you.
I want to point out a story that you saying that seems a bit contradictory. “I love Matt exactly for who he is. I loved him before I went to Landmark, so whether or not he goes, does not matter. I will love him regardless.” I’m obviously paraphrasing but the first thing I want you to maybe reflect on (and I could be totally wrong as you are the only one who knows) is it has a feeling in it that you are holding onto the love because you feel love. I have learned, through many times in my life, as I transitioned and grew, the love that served me before my growth spurt, was no longer a love that would support the newer me. I wish it was not like this, but with growth, many times there are losses in friendships or lovers or family because everything changes. What used to work, doesn’t fulfill anymore. So what I want you to really look at, as honestly as possible, is….do you continue to love him because it feels good and he is what you know and you don’t want to feel the loss of him? Or…do you want to continue to pursue him because you whole heartedly know that you and him together are a great match (all around) and function well together and you guys can have a healthy relationship? I would love to hear your thoughts on that!!!
The other part that is a bit contradictory to what you are saying about love him for who he is, is you saying that “I just want him to live his life powerfully. i don’t want to see him struggle. i don’t want to see him in the same patterns he’s been in.” First, he will always struggle, he will always have patterns to deal with and he will always have ways to improve on how he lives his life more powerfully. So my guidance to you, is to get more cozy and comfortable with his struggle. It’s okay that he struggles. It’s okay that he has these limiting patterns. It is the struggle that motivates us to grow right? So if you take the struggle away, then he will never learn how to fight. People always think I’m a little weird when I start to teach how to be okay with pain….especially someone else’s pain. It’s so easy to want to help someone you love NOT struggle, but sometimes, that struggle is the best gift in the entire world for that person and you are trying to take that away. Here is a great quote: “Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” An analogy that I LOVE that helped me years ago understand this better is here at this link: http://instructor.mstc.edu/instructor/swallerm/struggle%20-%20butterfly.htm There are a gazillion versions of this story, but you will at least get the idea.
I have no idea if you ever ended up inviting him. Not sure if my response is too late. But I thought you were definitely on the right track with how you wanted to start up the conversation. And again, you really want to invite him, so do it! Again, just make sure your intentions are clear and give him freedom to be whoever he needs to be without feeling pressure from you that you want to connect. Does that make sense?
You sound like you are doing some seriously good work! You sound like a completely different person compared to when you first posted on here. I am really proud of you and all the work you are doing. You are doing fabulous!!!! Keep going!
Again, like always, we would love to hear back all your thoughts and how everything went!!!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
Isn’t pain fascinating? It will bring out so many sides to us that have conflicting feelings, opinions and desires. It is dynamic. The most beautiful gift in my opinion, about pain….is that it gives us an opportunity to create more integration (if we choose the path of healing).
I want to say this to you and it may sound a bit harsh…I don’t know. The dream of him falling for you again and you guys being together again…let that go. That part of you that is investing thoughts and feeling into that idea needs to be told the truth instead of being allowed to fantasize. He is not the person who is able to build anything with you at this moment. Even if he did come back to you, I would hope that you would give it serious consideration before taking him back. He would need to show you how he has changed…not just through words, but through actions. When I have been left and then someone comes back to me, I don’t believe their words “I have changed and I have learned” without a lot of in depth conversations about how they have changed as well as really watching their actions. Do they feel different to me? Do they behave differently? Are their actions supporting the changes they claim? He was with you for 25 years and decided to bail. He needs to go face his shadow and that means away from you. If you over-functioned for him a lot, then love him enough to let him go and feel all that he needs to deeply and in his own messy way. Love yourself enough to not bear witness to his chaos and drama as it will only continue to hurt you. Let him go. Each time that part of you starts to dream of him coming back, stop yourself. See yourself kneeling at a gravesite, saying goodbye and forgiving him and yourself. Then see yourself getting back up and turning towards the light for new possibilities. There are endless possibilities for you in that light (and I don’t mean other men – I just mean growth and integration and peace on a deeper level than you ever imagined – however that shows up) but you have to let go of the story. That story needs to have a death and be rebirthed with a new story. And if there are feelings of redemption in that old story (of which I sure don’t blame you! I have felt that as well) then there is still a level of forgiveness that you have not quite reached yet.
One of my favorite things to do when I am struggling to let something go…is I write out everything I need to say to the person as if I am going to give it to them. Then I find somewhere beautiful and take a handful of helium balloons with me. I create a little ceremony by praying, lighting candles and making a very conscious choice to let go of whatever I need to let go of….then I tie the letter to the balloons and watch them float away. It’s beautiful really….and symbolic. Maybe try something to that effect?
And lastly, I KNOW I KNOW!!! being in purgatory sucks! My coach always reminds me when I am fighting against purgatory is that “being comfortable in the “lake of I don’t know” (that’s her phrase for purgatory…lol) is a skill you will have to use for the rest of your life. So stay in that lake and stop fighting it. The answers, healing, changes and transformations will come exactly when they are supposed to…and no sooner. So just get out your floating lounge chair, have a cocktail and hang out in that “Lake of I don’t know” and be in relationship with what it has to teach you.” Have patience Elisabeth. One thing I will often have my clients do (when I do physical strength training with them) is to get into a squat position and hold it. Soon enough the pain will start and everything in them wants relief once it gets intense. I will time them and then stop the timer once they decide they can’t take the pain anymore. Then I take them through a mental exercise where I have them do the squat again but this time, when the pain shows up, imagine going INTO the pain. What is it really? Where is it? Does it have a color? A name? Can you change how it feels? Is it saying anything to you? What’s fascinating is that each person who is willing to go through this mental exercise with me, is able to hold the squat over a minute longer compared to the first squat they did. The concept is “Whatever you resist, persists.” So take a deep breathe and go with the flow. Your rebirth will happen soon enough. Your rebirth will happen when you have learned and experienced whatever you need to. You seem like the kind of person that truly desires and values deep healing and connection with yourself. Well…now is your chance to go deeper and heal on another level!
My favorite quote from Wayne Dyer: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine.”
Sending you lots of love and light Elisabeth! You are exactly where you need to be and you are strong enough and resilient enough to turn this extremely challenging and heartbreaking situation into something beautiful!
I want to keep listening if you wish to keep sharing! You are a complete joy to interact with!
Heidi
Hi Suzanne!
We haven’t heard from you in awhile! How are you doing? Any new developments? Anything new you are learning about yourself….or him?
We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi De B
How are you doing? I just wanted to check in see how you were feeling today. I hope being at home with your mom is helpful for you! I know what a tuff time this is for you. We would love to hear from you again and get any updates with how you are feeling or any other questions you have.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Cara!
I wanted to check in on you. How are you doing? How are you dealing with everything that is happening? Are you finding more peace and resolve? Do you have any questions we can help you with?
I’ve been sending a lot of good thoughts your way!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
You write poetry! How you write is very beautiful and full of high vibration energy!
It’s wonderful the kind of insight you have about yourself, your experiences, your patterns and your interactions together. I’m glad you noticed how you over-functioned for him. It’s very easy to do isn’t it? It’s something I have done many times as well and need to stay very connected to that side of myself so as to not do it again.
I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. How you processing through your fears? How are you working through your awakening?
I would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Kwan
I’m so glad you are writing in and getting a different perspective about your situation. I agree with Kanya in that it is best to give him some space.
The reason it can hurt the situation that you texted him how he completes you, you make me whole etc. is that is a lot of pressure to put on someone and it can comes across as if you will not be okay unless he is in your life. If that is what you believe, then the first thing I suggest is to work on that belief system. Like Kanya said, we are complete the moment we are born. When you wrap your well being and identity around someone else, you are them making them responsible for your happiness instead of taking responsibility for that yourself. Relationships are MUCH healthier when 2 people compliment each other….not complete each other.
I know you love him very deeply. I would encourage you to learn to love yourself just as much….without him. And by that I mean, developing your inner strength to be able to be okay without him in your life. I am not saying to stop loving him….I am just saying that whether together or apart, there is something deep inside you…an internal strength…that knows you will figure out your life, you will figure out how to be happy and loving…whether he is in it or not. Does this make sense?
If, for some reason he doesn’t respond in a few weeks, write back to us and we can guide you at that point. For now, work on doing whatever you can to NOT text him. Stay away. Maybe you can occupy your time by reading through all the material you have access to….you will learn a lot about yourself and about him and about how you guys functioned as a couple. Strengthen your communication skills and learn different ways of how to become a better listener. This time apart can really help you focus on how yourself and how you can be better if he is willing to give it another chance.
I would love to hear your thoughts!
Heidi
