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Hi Ingrid!
Wow! You are doing some wonderful thing for yourself! Being an empath is sooooo challenging when dealing with the more difficult side of things. I have a lot of respect for people who know that, honor that about themselves and take action to keep their balance. Being an empath is a gift and something that needs to be cared about and respected and you are doing all of that. Well done!
I do know the Sedona method. Good stuff! Not an easy method for a lot of people to really grasp. It takes a lot of practice and do-diligence for it’s full power to take effect. I’m so glad you have a technique to help you through this time! AND it sounds like you have reached a much more clear perspective and not taking it personal. GOOD WORK!!!
And thank you for your appreciation. I want to acknowledge you back for your gratitude. Hearing you say all that you did, makes my time on here feel more purposeful!!! It’s always heartwarming to know I am helping, even from a distance.
I will join you and all your friends in sending him vibes of restoration, renewal and replenishment. I will pray for his courage and your strength as well as you both go through this.
If you get any updates, we would love to hear back from you!!! Thank you for trusting us with your process!
Heidi
Hi Danijela!
I’m just wanting to check in and see how things are going for you. Have you been able to slow things down a bit? Any success with getting onto the same page as him?
We would love an update!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid,
Yes! Please vent here! This is a safe place for that. I don’t blame you. It’s just plain shocking and doesn’t make any sense. It seems with what you have told me, that maybe he really does have something serious happening and he doesn’t want to tangle you up in it….or even tangle himself up with you while he is dealing with whatever it is. I am going to guess that he doesn’t want to face you because he doesn’t want to face whatever it is. It’s just a feeling I get…I could be wrong.
What I want to encourage you to do most of all, is to work on letting go of the story that is causing the hurt. You feel like everything was a lie, but it wasn’t. It was true in that very moment…and that is all we have anyways…the moment. He is not making a good choice right now, but that does not change that you both had some very real exchanges and interactions.
Lastly, always remember that as much as you think you know someone, you don’t. That will forever be true. I worked with a couple not too long ago where the woman decided, after 25 years of marriage that she wanted to try an open relationship. The husband was dumbfounded, shocked and completely taken aback. You just NEVER know, so as much as trust can be built with someone else, in any moment, even after 60 years together, it can be broken. This is why I encourage people to put trust in themselves. When you trust yourself that you can make it through anything, you trust you are resilient, you trust that even in the face of betrayals and lies, you will be okay and get back up on your feet. When you trust yourself like that, no matter how people let you down, you are much more solid and can handle it better.
And let me encourage you that even though you wished you had not made that phone call, you were still very composed and did not abuse him, yell at him, blame him….you still had composure in the midst of your anger, so well done!!! He is really missing out on someone like you. That is very hard to find….AND in the middle of all your hurt, you still are sending him healing vibes. Wow!
Keep working through your emotions. Keep working on forgiving him. I do suggest to leave another voicemail: “I understand that you need to disconnect. I do not understand why or what happened. Maybe someday this will make sense, but for now, I just need to create some closure. I am going to move on. I’m so sad as this is not what I imagined happening. I do miss you but I just want you to know that I am wishing you the best and I hope that whatever you are dealing with will work out for you soon. Take care.”
It will help to create some closure for yourself. He is not responding. There is nothing you can do except to deal with your emotions and work towards forgiveness so you can free yourself up from all the hurt and disappointment.
Do you feel like you are able to head in that direction? Can you let go of the why? You may never know the why, but that cannot stop you from forgiving and moving forward. Find your peace.
My heart really goes out to you. I am so sorry. I wish this wasn’t happening to you. You had the ideal connection and you believed in that…who wouldn’t? Keep breathing and reaching out. Vent as much as you need to. Tranform all of that hurt into something empowering for your life!!!
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi Karen,
I know you are extremely hurt…as anyone would be. I know you want to feel irresistible to him so he knows what he is losing. The biggest part of being irresistible to know that within yourself FIRST. If you know that you are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, then it wouldn’t matter whether or not he thinks so. That’s what self esteem is. It comes from a place deep within your being. It’s a knowing that you are valuable and worth fighting for, whether your husband thinks so or not. When you feel that way about yourself, it emanates in everything you do and becomes VERY attractive to the people around you. The other aspect of being irresistible is that the methods taught need to come from an authentic place for them to be really powerful. You don’t quite feel like you want to be with your husband right now, that feeling in and of itself will dilute any attempt at trying to be irresistible.
My best guidance that I can offer you is to see if you can get some help to work through this. There is a lot of hurt, anger, betrayal and heartache that needs to be worked on first and foremost within yourself. If you guys are ever to get back together again and stay together, it’s important that the old patterns and ways of functioning together are looked at and modified.
Have you or the both of you considered getting a 3rd person to help you through this? There are so many dynamics that are going on. Having an objective opinion is crucial!
Would love to hear more of your thoughts!
Hi Ingrid!
Whoa! There is no other way to say it..WTF??? It is completely confusing and so completely out of the blue considering his pattern. I am wondering how long you were dating. It sounds like this is a very new experience between you guys…not much history.
A few things pop into my mind. First, I am wondering if he is sick or something….on a more serious level….and he is pushing you away because he does not want you to have to deal with him. My second though is that he is very scared to let someone into his life for some reason. Maybe he has a secret, maybe he just is too scared to get hurt, maybe he started to believe it was too good to be true.
Here is the bottom line though…his decision has nothing to do with you. Whenever I have personally experienced someone doing a 180 or helping someone else through it, 100% of the time, there was something else going on….something personal. The disappearing act was a coping mechanism of some sort to deal with something. It’s a HORRIBLE choice for a coping mechanism as it leaves their partner completely dumfounded, hurt and without any kind of closure. And that’s the hardest part. You have done nothing wrong and let’s even say you have, where is his integrity in communicating with you and working through this WITH you? He did say that was important for him. It seems his true colors are coming out.
I would personally ask for some clarification. I would call him…DO NOT TEXT!!! Leave a voicemail if you have to….saying something to the effect of: “Hey….you have asked for space and I have honored that. Somehow, it is starting to feel more like you are disconnecting completely vs. planning on re-connecting. I am wondering what is going on. If you don’t want to share whatever is happening with me, I can respect that and will honor your choice. What is most important for me is make sure we are on the same page. Are your feelings for me shifting? If they are, I just request that you tell me so I can create closure. If that is not true, I just need a little encouragement that you are still interested but just need a little more time. Would you be willing to just communicate that much with me? I hope to hear from you soon.”
If he does not respond in after a few days, I would then text saying, “I haven’t heard from you in regards to my voicemail. I need to create some closure, so if I do not hear from you by the end of the week, I will assume that your answer is that you are not interested in moving forward with me anymore. That would make me so sad as I really enjoyed you…however I will of course respect your wishes and I will move on.”
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
De B!
Wow! It warms my heart to hear you speak like this!!! When you first wrote in, you blamed yourself for everything. You couldn’t imagine your life without him. Now…you KNOW you deserve to be treated better, you have set some boundaries for yourself in your mind and YOU are choosing to end this.
I’m so sorry for what you had to experience. It is so awful to be talked to that way and so did-respected. I think it was good for you though. That fight inside of you woke up even more and said, “NO MORE!!” You need that more than anything right now. You have A LOT of fighting for yourself you are going to be facing as you travel down this new road. There will be some amazing and wonderful moments and some extremely challenging moments. I guess that’s true of life in general. BUT you are now going to start meetings and you will have a support group, you will have accountability and you will not be alone. I am so proud of you!! You are doing it!
Thank you for letting us be a part of your process!!! Please keep writing in!
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
Wow…you have come a looooong ways and you are doing fabulous!!! I know Kanya has been guiding you along the way, so I hope you don’t mind me helping you out for today.
When it comes to “de-programming” the concept is simple, however the action of it is much harder. If you understand that the INTENSITY of emotion is what causes the INTENSITY of reaction, all that needs to happen is to constantly make sure you are working on your emotional triggers and keeping the balance. Our emotional system is just like our physical system. If you were to never workout, never eat healthy and ignore all the symptoms of your body telling you that something is off….eventually, there will be a bigger consequence that will finally get your attention…diseases, an injury, pain etc. It’s the same with our emotions. If you get angry or hurt…eventually it subsides naturally, but it actually does not disappear and go away…it just gets stored….and then you get hurt again and you just let it subside without doing the healing work and it gets buried again. Over time, it all builds up….then one day you find yourself getting more easily irritated. That built up hurt will start to leak out into your daily life and at some point, if you continue to ignore it, you will explode because you have a FULL TANK of hurt emotions all stored up inside and it has to go somewhere. The first thing I tell people is to start to pay attention to your smaller symptoms that something is off. For me, it’s my driving. Normally, when I am in balance, driving is peaceful for me. If someone cuts me off or makes a mistake, it doesn’t even phase me or cause a reaction. I just go with the flow. When I am driving and someone makes a bad decision and I cuss or feel irritation or anger at that person…BAM! That’s immediately letting me know that I have been ignoring my emotional body and I better check myself. I also tend to get more judgmental, I eat less healthy foods, my motivation to exercise is less, I am less social. Those are just a few of the many signs that immediately let me know that I am letting my emotions build up and I need to take care of that right away…or it will get worse. That keeps my emotional intensity in check AND when I do get hurt again, I will have already taken care of a lot of junk so my reaction is much less intense and manageable. Now….that’s not to say that there are moments that send my emotions to the moon in an instant. When that happens, I know that one of my past emotional wounds got triggered. It is not the responsibility of the person who triggered me, to take care of MY baggage, so I like to simply say…”I am really hurting right now. I need to go take care of this myself before I talk with you and create resolution. I will contact you when I am ready.” When you get triggered that intensely that it makes you want to cause harm, you IMMEDIATELY leave the situation as gracefully as possible until you can gain some composure. You have to care enough about the kind of person you are and how you treat people. Causing harm to someone else is an awful feeling. You don’t need to deal with that on top of whatever got triggered. So it comes down to a simple choice in that moment that you want to blast someone and cause harm. You choose to stay quiet and leave. Then you go calm down and get your emotions under control. I usually consult my coach at that time so she can help me deal with my hurt THEN I go back and work it through with the person. It took me awhile to develop this skillset and pattern, but like you, it was never okay for me when I hurt someone. So I had to fight hard against that part of me that was very strong and wanted revenge with my words. I did A LOT of deep healing work and that helped TREMENDOUSLY!!! Your attitude is in the correct place and you will mess up again, BUT…as long as you keep working on it until you shift your choices in that intense moment, you are doing everything you can. Which is more than a lot of people in this world….so kudos to you for caring about how you affect someone!!!
There are a lot of other ideas and ways to go about it, so it would be great to hear back from you about your thoughts on this.
Hope to hear from you soon!!!
There are oth
Hi Karen,
I am so sorry. Betrayal is a hurt that goes soooooo deep. The heart hurts, it feels like even if you smile, there is pain in your smile. It’s like walking around 24/7 with this cloud that makes you feel heavy, makes you feel so different than what you are used to feeling like. Being cheated on is a horrible thing to have to endure. I am glad you are writing in.
We would love to talk you through this. What is the current status of your relationship? Of course you want to be irresistible to him. I am wondering….do you feel that way towards him?
Would you be willing to offer a little more detail? There are various ways that you can work towards being irresistible (if your husband is still interested in working things out). We can offer you more specific guidance once we know a little more.
Have you read the “Relationship Rewrite Method?” There are a ton of great tips in there about how to re-design a relationship.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
This is the best I have heard from you!!! You have a clear perspective, you sound much more at peace about the situation and you sound very grounded in the path you want to take. WOW!!!! HUGE difference compared to when you first wrote in. You are growing!!! Kanya is the one who suggested that book to you. I have not read it, but it sounds like a great book that is helping wake you up to the dynamics that were going on in your relationship.
I am not saying you need to change therapists….I just want to offer you a different idea that if you want to explore, it is there for you. There is a type of therapy out there called EMDR. You can go to their website and read all about it as well as find a therapist in your area that is trained in that method. It is one of my very favorite techniques for healing because it is fast and it is very deep work that can get to the very core of issues….that is, if the therapist is good at using that technique. Maybe look into that. Talk therapy is absolutely necessary, but when it’s time to dig deep and heal from the very core, root causes of issues, it has a lot of limitations. Do what works best for you though! I just wanted to throw that idea out there for you.
And yes, if you decide to stick with your current therapist, you need to be dealing with YOUR healing. Hopefully he is teaching you some skills about how to manage all the emotion that is coming up. You need to be doing something EVERY SINGLE DAY to help manage the stress, the depression and separation. You need a plan of action, so ask him for that!
I am so proud of you! Of course you are depressed! You are carrying around a BOATLOAD of challenges and hurt feelings….it would make anyone depressed!!! You are still working, you are still working out which is HUGE. You are doing a great job!!! Hopefully after working a lot on yourself with your therapist, you will start to feel some shifts soon….more energy, more clarity, more inner strength.
Keep in touch De B! It was wonderful to read your message today!!!
Heidi
Hi Danijela!
Great questions! You probably feel like he is slipping through your fingers because he is not committed to you. You don’t have the kind of relationship where there are boundaries and agreements as to how you function together. It’s just a “fun” kind of thing. But now that you are falling for him, you are wanting him to open up, you are wanting to go deeper with him and it just does not sound like he wants to go there.
So yes, focusing on what you DO have NOW is important. I imagine you are creating quite the dream around this guy. You have thought about being married to him, maybe having children, a house, living your life together. It will help if you do not allow yourself to go there anymore. Instead of trying to get him to connect deeper with you and be more vulnerable, maybe consider letting it happen more naturally…when he is ready, he will go there. Until then, focus on the current moment. Enjoy what he IS offering and be okay with that. The part where it feels kind of torturous is when you feel like you want more and more and more from him and you are not getting it. So if you focus on what you DO have instead of what you don’t have, it will change your experience with him….and he will feel a lot less pressure. And when he feels less pressure, it gives him the opportunity to open up when HE wants to…not when you want him to. So whenever you choose to open up to him, do it because you want to, not because you want to role it for him.
Have you read “What Men Secretly Want?” or the one on Feminine Intuition? There are a TON of tips in those books that will give you a lot ideas about how to go about keeping him engaged instead of pushing him away.
Check those out and then I would love to hear more questions or thoughts you have!!!
Heidi
Hi Tien!
Great questions! You can use the hero instinct in whatever situation you want. Yes, needing help opening a water bottle would be an example. One thing I would invite you to think about though, is whenever you are asking him for help, consider what impression he may get from you when asking for help. Asking for help to open a water bottle may give him the impression that you are weak or he may not think anything about it…who knows! What would be best for you to consider is making a first impression that matches who you are. For example, I am a very physically strong person. If I were to ask for help opening a water bottle, it would not match who I really am. You always want to present yourself as you REALLY are vs. just asking for help because you want to activate something in him. The more you make it authentic and real, the easier it will be for him to get to know the real you. Does this make sense? And just make sure you don’t overuse that concept. It can easily turn into the guy starting to feel like you are “needy.”
Have you read “Irresistible Communication?” This also has amazing tips to follow!!!
Conversation starters can be tricky. Again, I take you back to starting conversations that match who you are. For me personally, I am a dreamer, visionary and I LOVE conversations that go below the surface. I also don’t mind diving right in. It tells me right away whether or not someone will match me well or not. I have asked deeper questions right from the beginning and have had guys get uncomfortable and have had some guys LOVE it and respect me for it. I also like to have conversations that are uncommon. For example, I might ask a question, “What would be your perfect morning. If you could be anywhere in the world and design your perfect morning, what would it look like?” Those types of “dreaming” questions are fun to talk about….for some people. I have had responses that were not positive as well, but I’m totally okay with that….it just tells me not to waste either mine or his time continuing to connect.
So when I coach people on this particular topic, I coach them from what kind of personality they are and what kind of guy they want to attract. If I want a spiritual guy, then I will ask general questions about spirituality to see if we match. If I want an intelligent guy, I might start a conversation involving something more philosophical. If I want a guy who loves animals, I will start asking questions about his view and experiences of animals. I love movies and I prefer a guy who does as well, so I would ask about his favorite movies.
Then there are some general questions:
1. What is your biggest pet piev on a date?
2. Tell me about the most embarrassing moment you have had.
3. What is your favorite childhood memory?
4. If you could go back to any period of time, where would you go?
5. What was your reputation like in high school?The main thing to think about when starting a conversation, is to talk about something YOU enjoy. This way, he will see your enjoyment and get to experience the best side of you. He will see your excitement about the topic, he will feel your enthusiasm, he will notice your smile. When you talk about something that does not interest you, he will notice that as well.
So how about you write us back with some questions that you think could be good conversation starters for the topics that interest you!
Hopefully these guidelines help you know a good way to approach a situation. Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi De B,
Wow….I am very proud of him that he is finally getting some help! I hope he chooses to stick with it all the way through. I’m glad he is finally recognizing his personal challenges and doing something about it.
I know you say that you cannot imagine living your life without him, but look! You have been doing it for a month now…maybe even a little longer. YOU CAN DO IT! Anxiety is always about the future, so one of the best things you can practice is staying in the moment. When you think about him finding someone else or living your life without him, you bring yourself back to this very moment. Right now, in this moment, you are breathing….you have food in your stomach, you have a roof over your head, you have a job. Maybe carry a pen and little notepad with you. The moment you start to think about what you MIGHT not have in your future, stop and start writing down everything you DO have in the moment. The moment is all we have anyways right?
Some people I personally like to follow and practice developing my self esteem is Brene Brown, Marianne Williamson, Tony Robbins, Nathaniel Brandon….sometimes I prefer to read a novel because I can identify with a character and go through a journey with them….I love “The Book of Joby or any book by Paulo Coelho. GREAT reading with a TON of life lessons! Even if you google “how to develop self-esteem” there are a gazillion options. See what attracts you and just go for it!
When people say, “I just want to be normal” I always respond, “what’s normal?” Do you have any idea how many people are dealing with anxiety and depression? Medications for those 2 particular conditions are the most prescribed in the U.S. “Normal” is just an appearance. I do not know a single person who does not have things in their life they have to face. Since you have some addiction challenges and dealing with anxiety, have you gotten some help? I know you said you have a therapist, but I am wondering if you are still going. If not, either head back to them or find someone who can help you. This is not something that is meant to be dealt with alone. You have a lot of stuff gunked up inside (like everyone) and it may be time to really face it. If you do want your husband back, you cannot do it in the same condition you are in right now. So read books, go to seminars, find groups to join, see a therapist or psychiatrist, find healing retreats. You have got to FIGHT for yourself like you never have before. And just as Kanya mentioned, you never know….you may find that you have shifted and changed so much, that you have no interest in him anymore….or you might…you just never know. None of that matters. What matters is that you both stay away from each other and turn your complete and entire focus on healing and improving how you both handle stress.
Keep us updated! Tell us which books you chose! Tell us what actions steps you are going to take next for your healing! Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Danijela!
This is great information! I sure don’t blame you for “seducing” him. It sounds like you really know how meet a man’s needs and recognizing what works for him. You are teaching him a lot, even if he doesn’t know it right now.
I still want to caution you. You are falling for a guy that you do not know very well. You hardly see him, you guys do not live in the same space as each other to TRULY understand the ins and outs of what it’s like to be around each other. Have you guys had a few arguments or disagreements yet? Do you know what he is like when he is really hurt or angry or depressed? I want to encourage you to slow down, that’s all. I agree with him in that “keeping it light” is good for awhile. Being a long distance relationship means that it takes a super long time to REALLY get to know someone. Take that time and enjoy him, bond, laugh and have fun. Just keep in the back of your mind to use caution before really “falling for him.” The more you bond and connect, the harder it will be to keep things on the slower side…of course. I just want to invite you to give yourself some breathing room. Your husband, from what you said, was wonderful when you first married, THEN he changed. It’s important to remember this is always possible, so getting to know someone really well, in all their limitations, fears, yuckiness is important.
It sounds like he is really into you. It sounds like he is highly connective and interested! So whatever you are doing, it seems to be working well. He is absolutely afraid of getting hurt again, especially if he is saying “don’t cheat on me” every time you go out. That’s quite an insecurity is dealing with. That would definitely make him want to slow things down and just try and have fun. Hopefully it doesn’t stop him from falling in love again someday, whether with you or someone else. It will be his loss if he lets that fear control his life that level. The best thing you can do is just listen to him, validate him, appreciate him for who he is. Being his best friend will help build trust for him and hopefully heal some of his past experiences. It sounds like you are already doing all of that and you are loving it! Which is so great!
Do you feel like you both are heading in a direction that is what you are wanting? We would love more details and info. if you are willing to share. It helps a lot so we know how to better guide you!
Heidi
Hi Emma!
What a great conversation! You kept it light, you were connective and little flirty, you complimented him! Well done! And it looks like he is responding really well. I am wondering why you would think you screwed up? You invited him and it sounded like he appreciated that. He feels how much you care and that is what matters. He just may not be ready to go to a Landmark meeting. It could be that simple and has nothing to do with you. Maybe he just needs a bit more time to think about it. Even if he says no, you both sound like you still have a great connection going on which is what you are after anyways….so it looks like you are getting more of what you want from him. He is responsive to you and you both are developing a friendship again. This is great!
In regards to your disagreement with my advice above, I first want to say that my initial thought about what you said was, “Wow, good for her!” Many people don’t have the kind of internal strength to disagree with coaches or people they are submitting their problems to. I respect you quite a bit for saying all that you did!
I do want to clarify (and maybe I should have said it differently) that accepting struggle does not mean you don’t help or support or offer accountability. I am a fan of not fighting the struggle but understanding that it’s there and how we deal with that struggle will either make it harder or easier to go through. Part of what makes struggle more difficult is when we have the perception that it is a “bad” thing or we wish it wasn’t there or that we are trying to do everything we can to make it go away (in unhealthy ways). So getting cozy just means acceptance, not resigning to it. I remember Landmark really teaching that 20 years ago. It’s about the story we place on an event right? That story we create about our lives can make all the difference in the world. It can torture us or empower us at any given moment. I am curious though…you said that struggle doesn’t exist but we choose to live in it anyways. I imagine you might be saying that struggle is what we create in our minds, therefore it is not real? I would love to hear what Landmark is teaching you about this….if you feel like sharing. No biggie! Just curious.
Please keep us updated! It sounds like you guys are heading in a really healthy direction and I love that! It also sounds like you are learning and practicing a lot with how you communicate with him too. This can only improve your situation for the better!
Safe travels Emma and we look forward to hearing from you when you return!!!
Heidi
Hi Regina,
I am so sorry! It’s heartbreaking. It sounds like you would really like to fight for this guy. It sounds like he might have this pattern before you came along. Do you know much about his past? Does he typically shut down and disconnect when things get challenging or hard?
Here are a few questions I would like you to think about:
1. Why do you want to fight for him and get him back?
2. If you do get him back, what would be the design of your relationship? How do you want it to function during the good AND the yucky times? Do you feel he has the ability to support that?
3. I am wondering why you think that asking for your needs makes you “needy.” If you used to ask for your needs, but then slowly stopped, I am wondering…what changed for you?Whether you think this is a lost cause or if he is worth fighting for is a decision you have to weigh. From the little you told me, he sounds quite conflicted. He loves you, but doesn’t see a future with you. It sounds like he is having quite the battle going on in his head and the side that doesn’t believe in a future with you has finally won. Do you really want to spend your time and precious energy trying to talk a man you have been with for awhile….to fight for you and believe in you? Those techniques yo mentioned may work in the short run, but you also need a guy who will fight for himself, and you, if it is going to work in the long run and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to put forth the effort for that.
I suggest giving him space and not contacting him for awhile. Start to create the separation and not be available for him. Let him miss you. Let him feel the hole in his life without you. Even if the reasons for his distancing is caused from his illness, there is nothing you can do if the guy is not willing to reach out and get help, stay connected and value you in his life. Maybe letting him feel the full force of his life without you there, he will then feel how much he really loves and misses you. Or maybe not. Who knows….I imagine that you would rather have him come back to you realizing how much you mean to him vs. you trying to talk him into being with you either through indirect techniques you use to stay connected or direct conversations.
Basically, I am just saying to give it some time and space. Maybe after 30 days, you will feel different towards him.
How does this feel for you? Does it makes sense? Do you think you can stay away for 30 days and leave him be?Would love to hear your thoughts about this!
Heidi
