[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

OMG! I am so sorry about your husband! That is such a challenging and awful thing to go through! I can see why this guy means so much to you! A part of you woke up again. You are feeling a side to yourself that you haven’t felt in so long or even thought was possible.
It’s hard when the feelings are not reciprocated. I can see why it’s leaving you depressed. You got to feel something soooo amazing after being shut down and now you don’t get to feed it. It’s a feeling that has nowhere to go now. It’s so hard. There is no way around it…it’s just something you have to go through.

I’m glad you are dating other people now. It will give you different experiences and different viewpoints and different feelings. It sound like you have captured the attention of someone already. I know it is not Mike, but I’m sure on some level, it feels good to be desired and wanted. Now you have someone new to practice with. Dating can be so confusing and very difficult. In the end, the reality is we all mess up a gazillion times along the way…the ones that make it through finding love, are the ones that are able to accept limitations and see beyond it. This guy was not willing to do that with you. Who knows if he is even capable of that.

Each day will get better. I know it doesn’t feel like that sometimes, but sometimes healing is so subtle that people don’t notice. All of a sudden you will go an entire morning without thinking about him, then half a day, then a full day, then a whole week. Keep working on pulling your attention away from him and focus on yourself and the person in front of you.

Keep checking in letting us know how you are doing!!!

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

His shallow texting could mean several things. It could mean he is avoiding going deep with you, it could mean he is just connecting to keep you interested, it could mean that the relationship is so new that he was not ready to dive into deeper feelings….The reality is, it was just 3 weeks. That is hardly any time to know what someone is really feeling.

Considering his role model (father) he probably does not have much respect for women. He most likely follows the same pattern and enjoys women, but never really goes very deep with them….that way he will never get hurt. He probably has the pattern of hooking women and connecting really well with them, but is able to easily disconnect. This is all theory of course. Just suspicions considering his behavior.

I again bring you back to yourself. You may think you are not appearing too needy, but a statement like, “you seem too busy to get together with me, which confuses me” is a needy statement. You are here on the forum trying to figure out what happened and what you did wrong. You used the word “love” with him. It’s appearing that you have a very strong dependent attachment style. Meaning….when you fall for a guy, it is fast, deep and he “completes” you….your self esteem is VERY wrapped up into what a guy thinks and feels about you. Male attention is very important to you. And there is nothing “wrong” with any of this. It is a BEAUTIFUL thing to feel deeper feelings. It is probably one of your greatest qualities and like it is for all of us, our greatest qualities are also our greatest weaknesses.

So this is where I want to invite you to stop analyzing him and start looking inside yourself. Yes he broke it off, but I am willing to bet you are being saved from A LOT of drama with him. He has moved on and that’s it. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to detach from him and attach to yourself.

Write out a list of 10 things that you can do to bring yourself comfort. Here are some small things I do for myself when I am hurting:
1. Buy lots of flowers and place them around the house
2. Go on hikes
3. Go visit a pet store and pet the dogs and cats
4. Watch uplifting, funny movies or movies where you watch a character survive a breakup and still end up being okay. (Under the Tuscan Sun)
5. Mani / pedi
6. Volunteer somewhere
7. Cook something super yummy or bake a bunch of cookies and then pass them out to people
8. Massage
9. Pull out my gratitude journal and write down everything I am thankful for. Get your mind focusing on what you DO have and not what you don’t have
10. Watch hilarious you tube videos of animals or people’s emabarassing moments
11. Watch videos of motivational speakers – brene brown, tony robbins, brendon burchard, Deepak chopra, oprah, Marianne Williamson
12. Look up TFT or EFT on youtube…these techniques are SUPER helpful! You may have to go through the tapping a handful of times, but it definitely can help lessen the hurt.

The idea here is, you need to develop a skillset of how to take care of yourself when you are hurting. You are trying to fix the hurt you feel through him and that will never work. But will work is you fixing your hurt through your self care. It is a VERY important skill to have. Even married couple need this skill. There are many moment in marriage when your partner just can’t be there for you or they are the ones who hurt you. When you know how to self care, it makes the situation sooooo much better!!! I know it is so much more work to do and less fun than focusing on the guy. Believe me, I get it! However, it is not a healthy way to resolve hurt. You need to forgive him, forgive yourself and set him free.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it hurts the heart. Your dreams that you created around him are no longer a possibility and that is the hardest part to let go of. You meet someone and think it’s heading in one direction then it isn’t. You can do this though! You can heal the hurt through your own self love and nourishment. It may take some time, but you will get there!

Let us know your thoughts!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi!!!! So glad you are back safe! Hopefully this trip brought you a new level of healing, insight and wisdom. I can’t wait to hear how it went and how it impacted you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Firoza,

Helping you with your car is perfect!!! I would wait. Give him a few days. If he does not respond, you can always follow up with saying, “Hi again. I really need help with my car and you are the best person I know of to help me. You would be able to save me A LOT of money if you would be willing. Please help?? I’ll make you lunch!!!”

No matter what you say, you want to give it a few days after you text for help. That way they don’t feel like you are being impatient. I have waited up to 2 weeks before and it still worked! So be patient. Sometimes, the more a guy feels the space to answer when he wants, he may feel more open to help you because he doesn’t feel the pressure…he feels the acceptance instead.

Does this help?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Alison!

I can totally understand your desire to stay connected with him. When there is a connection that strong, everything in you wants to fight for that….of course! He was in a 30 year marriage. I’m sure he is split. One part of him wants to be with you completely and another part of him wants to feel what it is like to be single again. So it sounds like he is feeding both parts of himself. The challenge here is…you are not friends with benefits. So his need to have a deep and wonderful connection with you counters his need and desire to explore.

I caution you. When someone is split like that, the reality is, no matter how amazing your connection is, you do not have ALL of him available to you. He may be present with you when you are together, but he is not present with you when you are not together. I want to encourage you to be VERY CAREFUL! He is not fully healed from his 30 year marriage. In order for that to happen, someone really needs to go into a life of being single. Otherwise they do not fully experience the loss of their marriage and the hole it leaves….when someone ends up filling that hole by being with someone else, it never resolves itself in a healthy way. Heading right into another deeper connection with someone (even if he didn’t expect it) means that there is going to be a lot of underlying issues he never dealt with that will eventually show up….one of which is already happening (not committing to you because he wants to explore other possibilities). The very hard truth is….he is not fully emotionally available for you. No one would is after a breakup.

I understand you want to navigate carefully and that is wise. I understand you want him to admit to his outside encounters honestly. You also say that you will not allow yourself to be undermined in that. The hard truth to probably hear is that it has already happened. I’m not saying you should walk away….my only point in saying that is for YOU to be really honest with yourself so you can make a very clear decision as to how to move forward.

So let’s talk about possible ways to present the opportunity for him to be honest with you.

1. You could bring up an example of your own situation. For example, in casual conversation, you maybe start telling him a story where you were reading an article or watched a tv show about why people cheat and then lie about it and that over 70% of relationships include infidelity. You can ask him, “Were you ever tempted to cheat on your wife? if yes, what made you tempted? What was missing in your relationship that made you interested in looking elsewhere? Have you ever been cheated on?” So the idea is to bring up the subject in a casual manner and maybe express some of your views and feelings about it. It can open the door to him admitting his current choices.

2. You could say, “You know what is crazy?? I heard a statistic on the radio today that at least 50% of people on Tinder are already in a serious relationship. When they talked to the people who were not single and on there, 30% said they were on Tinder just to see if they ‘still had it’ and that they never intended on cheating. They just wanted to see if they could get attention. Isn’t that fascinating? Is that a thought you have ever had during your marriage? Did you ever just want to know if you could still be desirable to other women?”

3. You could always just be very direct. “If you are not committing to me, does that mean you are dating or interested in other women?” If he says no, then you can ask, “What is stopping you from committing to me?”

Let us know more of your thoughts!!! It really helps!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Stephanie! I am so sorry to hear this!!! It’s heartbreaking to put sooooo much effort into your marriage only to watch your husband give up so easily and not even try. It hurts!

There could be a few reasons as to why he is quitting.
1. Are you aware of any PTSD from being in the military?
2. He may have been role modeled to quit in his life. For example, if he had a father who was really hard on him and always wanted more and more from him to where he felt that he was never enough, he could have a thought pattern of, “I’m never enough, so why even try. It’s pointless.” And he may not even be aware of how his childhood is affecting him right now.
3. He may just not be that kind of person who fights for more in his life. There are some people who will fight for themselves. Like you, they read books, consult experts, go to workshops…they learn and work on themselves. Some people just don’t have that gene. They live life and play more the victim. When he says, “He doesn’t know how long it will take for YOU to change” that is victim mentality. He will blame you for “making” him shut down. Victims give their power away to everyone else and with that is a lot of blaming and pointing the finger. If they held onto their own power that means they would have to take responsibility for how they are feeling and they are not interested in that….it’s too much work. If this is who he is, then nothing you do will ever change that about him. He just was born that way and most likely will not evolve beyond that mindset. If you guys got back together, you will most likely end up right back here, because someone who is interested in growing HAS TO communicate their needs, HAS TO take responsibility for their feelings, HAS TO face their fears….none of which he is demonstrating interest in doing. I know you don’t understand this kind of mentality, because it is not who you are. …but it is who he is and the best gift you can give him is your full acceptance of who he is and your full acceptance of who you are….and in that acceptance, you both approach life from very different angles that do not match in marriage.

And you know what? We can only do the best we know how with the information we have on hand. It’s good that you are learning and realizing where you could have been a better and more supportive wife. We all should be doing that in our relationships as it teaches us how to be better partners. I wonder if he is doing the same thing??? I hope you are being kind with yourself and not blaming yourself and your limitations for your unhappy husband. HE IS RESPONSIBLE for his own happiness, not you. You are there to support him in his happiness, not be responsible for it. He needs to learn how to voice his feelings and needs otherwise they will never get met….which maybe deep down he doesn’t want them met…maybe deep down he doesn’t truly believe nor trust in “happy ever after.” It doesn’t really matter as he is letting you know the kind of person he is when things get hard. Your choice is now decide, with this new information about him, is he the kind of man you want to go through your life with? Is he someone you trust and feel safe with? Is he someone that you feel you could go through difficult times with and feel like you have a good teammate?

We would love to hear back from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi De B!

Checking in on you and thinking about you. How are you doing???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Firoza!

I am so sorry!!! This must be really shocking to you to see that side of him.

Does he have anything that he is really good at? Usually when you ask for help, it’s something they would feel confident giving you advice about.

You could always say something like, “I need your help because I miss you. I miss our talks, I miss your smile, I miss how I get to feel around you. You made me feel so happy and I want that back. Help me figure this out. We are good together.”

You are appreciating him, giving him a compliment, activating his hero instinct by saying you were happy with him…does something like that feel comfortable for you to say?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Alison!

Wow! I can see why you are completely confused!!! He is saying one thing and doing another. It is heartbreaking when you realize you are on a different wavelength than your partner.

Here is what I want you to think about. What do YOU want? He is making decisions (behind your back) to still have interactions with women….even if he is just chatting, it could be sexual chatting, it could be a way he plays games to get attention kind of chatting….who knows. If he was with another woman behind your back, he most likely will do it again. He doesn’t sound like the kind of guy who is really going face what is going inside of himself. He would rather choose to take shortcuts to feeling better….by exchanging energy with several women instead of look inside himself and deal with the real issues going on. Is this what you want to get involved with?

I first just want you to get VERY CLEAR about what you want from him and what you want out of a relationship. He has broken your trust. There could be several different reasons why he is behaving the way he is. Maybe he is a sex addict. Maybe he has a lot of low self esteem, so he gets to feel better about himself the more attention he gets. He sounds like he may be a chronic relationship kind of guy….that person that is perpetually in a relationship and never is single. Maybe he is setting himself up to always have someone in the background just in case you and him don’t work out. He could be a gigolo kind of guy….doing a balancing act between different women. Who knows! The details don’t matter as much as the fact that he is doing it. If you do get serious with this guy, the odds of him cheating or flirting with other girls are pretty high (especially if things ever get tough between you guys). Is this what you want?

It sounds like you have an incredible connection with him and that is wonderful! The problem is, a healthy relationship ALL AROUND also means that there is honesty, authenticity, respect and integrity. He is not displaying those qualities with you. He is not entirely committed to you, no matter how many friends / family members / traveling you do. He gets to have this wonderful, deep connection with you and then he still is active online? That’s a guy who is not committed, no matter what he says. He is not being honest and his words do not have integrity.

So again, what do you want? You may not be ready to lose him right now, so that means it is probably best if you don’t say anything, change your expectations of the relationship and you start dating other people as well…if you do want to go deeper with him and fight for him, then a conversation is in need. An honest, upfront conversation about where your mindset is and where his mindset is and talking about his mixed signals of talking future with you all the while connecting with other women.

Once you get very clear about what you are willing to do, share with us!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kerryn,

Well done!!! You are doing exactly what it means to not sit on the sidelines. You learn and you participate in the relationship vs. sitting on the sidelines watching. You express your needs. You set boundaries, you communicate.

Communication is an art form. I have practiced and learned soooo many different ways to communicate. It’s so funny because I could say the same exact thing in 2 different ways and get 2 different responses. So even you learning how to communicate in a way that causes him to open up and bond with you vs. shut you down….that’s wonderful!!!! One of my favorite techniques is being curious. If you have questions or requests, a lot of times, if you start the sentence with, “I’m really curious. I noticed you responded this way and I found it interesting. Teach me what that mean for you.” “I really would like to make a request and I am really curious how you feel about it. I would like___________what are your thoughts about that?”

I am delighted to hear that there is movement. Good job!!! Keep heading down that path and keep finding ways to help him stay open and connected with you!

And being an empath is a WONDERFUL gift. It is nothing you are meant to change about yourself. It is what you came to this earth with. Consider it a gift that needs to be protected. Our greatest strengths are always our greatest weaknesses and that will always be true. So that means being very aware of how it serves you and how it hurts you and then how to protect yourself from getting into situations that really hurt you.

Please keep us updated! This made me so happy!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C!

I want to teach you something VERY VERY important and it is extremely difficult to do when choosing someone to fall in love. The number 1 or 2 reason people get divorced is poor communication. When you are dating someone and considering them as a potential person to go through life with long term, your radar needs to be on high alert. You need to be VERY clear as to what you want, how you are treated and MOST importantly, how you both handle stress or challenge together. Dr. John Gottman found in his 20 year study of relationships….the happy marriages that lasted were the ones where they respected and honored and were kind to each other EVEN WHEN THINGS WERE HARD. I cannot emphasize enough how crucial it is to really watch how you are treated when hurt feelings show up. You must hold yourself accountable as well! When you have 2 people, even in anger and hurt, who treat each other with respect….then you have a couple with a good, strong foundation!! You guys only dated 3 weeks and you already saw how quickly he disconnected. That is a guy who most likely will not stick around or will shut down when something challenging happens in the relationship or you disappoint him. YES! Always pay attention to their relationship with parents! Not to say that he couldn’t be different than his dad, but that definitely raises a big caution flag with his dad being his best friend and role model!

You guys obviously had a strong connection. I would challenge you to slow this down A LOT! You say you loved him….has he earned your heart that way? I would invite you to protect your heart for much longer and take things slower. Keep it close to you as that is the most valuable part of who you are. Make sure that before you open up to the level of “love” that you have spent quite a bit of time with someone, seen them under stress and how they respond, met their friends, their family and vise versa and you really watch and see how you both interact together. STRONG chemistry, affection and intimacy does not mean love. It just means strong chemistry, intimacy and affection. Love follows after time spent, trust is built, friendship is developed and commitment is established.

Lastly, I would recommend to work on not playing any more games for the purpose of control. You both were playing a lot of games and reality is, if either of you were more authentic, it would have been much more peaceful. It’s hard in the dating world. I used to be a master at all the games and very successful with it. My low self esteem and insecurities is what drove me to play those games. Now…since I’ve worked a lot on all my baggage and cleared it, I am so much stronger and much more authentic. If someone is not attracted to me in that form, then that’s okay! I do not need the attention anyways. I am much more peaceful inside to let situations organically play out as they should vs. me playing the games to influence a situation one way or the other.

I understand you have strong feelings for this guy, but I would suggest to let the idea of him go. Already from what you told me, it sounds like there would be A LOT of walls up for him which means a TON of work for you, a ton of drama and constant games. Is that really what you want? If you do, feel free to contact him again in a few months. When you do…TAKE IT SUPER SLOW!!! Don’t give into whatever he wants just so you can keep his attention…be authentic, communicate honestly and respect yourself…which will require him to respect you in return. Then you can just see where it goes from there.

Thank you for letting me know that you felt cared about by me!! That always warms my heart and makes my work here on the forum VERY rewarding!!!!

I would love to hear your thoughts in return!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Daysi,

I’m glad to hear you are on board for giving yourself some time to heal. As you do that, it is going to be important that you talk to him about it. It will confuse him if you just pull away and it will probably also hurt him.

You can say something like this, “John….I really like you. I like myself when I am with you. I love our conversations, I love our friendship and I love how safe and happy I feel when you are around. I do imagine that you and I could make a really wonderful couple. That is why I need to pull my energy back for a bit and let myself heal from this divorce. If I keep connecting with you the way I have been, it masks all my hurt from this recent loss. I don’t want to do that to you or to myself. I would still love to stay connected and keep our friendship going, so would you be willing to talk about a new temporary design while I work through things?”

Maybe you guys can agree to meeting up for coffee once or twice a month, but that’s it. The more you connect with each other, the more you will head back into deepening the relationship. Which…at some point, sounds like it would be a great thing! You just need a bit of time.

What do you think about this idea?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kerryn,

My heart hurts for you. Your husband is having a relationship while you are watching. I want to really encourage you to set some boundaries. I know you feel helpless, but you are not helpless. You have given your power away to him by letting him disregard how you are feeling. You say he is an honorable man, which I’m sure he is in many areas of his life, but in this particular situation, he is not honorable. He is not holding to the agreement you both made about having an open relationship. He is cutting you off anytime you want to talk about it and he is claiming that you should let him do what he wants. Do you think that is honorable? You say he cares about how you feel, but I’m not seeing it here. How is he showing you that he cares about you? Essentially, I think he has really built up quite the cozy situation. He gets to have a very devoted wife to create stability for him AND a mistress on the side he gets to just play with. If you agreed to that kind of design and were okay with it, that would be one thing. Instead, you are sitting on the sidelines watching only thinking about how to get him back.

I’m going to say some things that may be a bit challenging to hear. None the less, I just want you to really think about what I am saying and sit with it for a bit.

You have a husband who is not caring about you. He is doing whatever he wants at the expense of you. He is using the money you both create to support a woman he is having an affair with (she is most likely egging him on just to pay her medical bills – I have no doubt she is using him for all he is worth). He is not willing, AT ALL, to get some help about his sexual limitations. He won’t even talk to you about it. You guys decide to open the sexual aspect to other people, yet he is choosing to step outside that agreement and does not care about how it’s affecting you. He loves you and doesn’t want to lose you, but he is still going to have his way and do what he wants.

So I want to invite you to instead of looking at him and focusing on how to get him back to you, look at yourself and what you are CHOOSING to participate in. You are not a victim of this situation. The problem here is, it sounds like every time you try to talk about it, he shuts you down and says, “Leave it.” I’m sorry but Kerryn, that is not okay. A relationship is about 2 people, not just one. Love and care and connection is about 2 people agreeing to work through things, no matter how hard it gets. That is not the situation you are explaining here.

Do you remember the Respect Principle?? You have lost respect for yourself. You don’t believe in the value that you have to offer him, therefore he is not going to believe in your value. First and foremost, you need to connect back to yourself again. You need to get off the sidelines and start to participate in the relationship instead of sitting on the sidelines. And participating does not mean that you don’t get to have your feelings and that you “leave it.” Participating means that you get to feel what you need to feel and that you participate in the design of your marriage. If he is not willing to let you participate, then you have a decision to make and so does he. I imagine he does not feel threatened by losing you because you sit on the sidelines. He gets to do whatever he wants and you just watch. So why wouldn’t he continue? There are no consequences. You have got to find your light, your truth, your value. So what if you are over weight. He can’t get hard. We all have limitations that can be worked with. We are human. SO WHAT!!! You are valuable! You are worth loving and fighting for! If you cannot see that, then it’s time you start. Would you be willing to see a therapist or coach to help you with this? It doesn’t sound like you are ready at the moment to risk losing him and that’s okay. What you CAN do is start to build your self esteem back up and THEN you can work on creating a different design in the relationship.

I wish there were an easy answer here for you, but reality is, your relationship is not in a good place right now. You want him back, but reality is, you are not looking at the foundational problem. Your husband is not willing to get help with his challenges and is not interested in involving you either. So let’s say you do get his attention back. What do you think is going to happen when something else shows up? What is his shop burns to ground? What if it fails? What if he gets cancer? He will react the same exact way as he is now…he will find the shortcuts to relieve himself of his pain, even if it means disregarding you in the process. THAT IS THE FOUNDATIONAL PROBLEM….not that his attention is on another woman. Now granted, I am only hearing your side of the story. You both need to find healthier ways to deal with the limitations you have. You stay silent and sit on the sidelines, he takes shortcuts to happiness (which don’t work long term by the way) and does what he wants. You are being dependent and he is being narcissistic. Its a formula that can work quite well together, until something like this happens. Its times for you to start putting yourself at the top of your priority list instead of at the bottom.

I would love your feedback and thoughts! Stay connected with us!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

When you ask for help with something, it usually needs to be about something he is really good at and knows a lot about. You already mentioned to him that you needed to learn how to be more social, so why not continue on with that subject? He used to be a psychologist, so maybe you could meet up and say, “I have this problem. I met this guy and for a few weeks we hit it off really well. Then while we were planning to meet up, our wires got crossed in text and before I knew it, things ended. I re-read the texts and saw where I messed up and want to fix it with him. He is a pretty great guy and I would like to continue getting to know him. What advice can you give me to get his attention back again?”

And listen…you are doing the best you know how. Being human means that we are going along in life and functioning with the information we have available to us…then we mess up, then we learn. Yes, it would have been a good idea to let him help you. You did a great thing by looking up this program and making efforts to learn and be better. That’s all anyone can ever ask for! So you are doing a great job!

You ask how he could so easily disconnect…..there are a lot of reasons why someone can do that. Only he knows. The thing is, you guys were still in such a new phase, that disconnecting is much easier if something goes awry. I do want to warn you to pay attention to that about him though. I know that I personally used to be like that. I could disconnect so easily and move on. It was because I had a lot of walls up, a lot of fear and I was much more emotionally unhealthy. Disconnecting so easily can be a symptom of someone who may have a BIG challenge committing or going very deep. So just keep an eye on that. It’s hard to say if he thought of you as a hook up. My sense is no, as you guys did spend quite a bit of time together. But only time will tell.

Keep us updated!!!

[Heidi G]

Hi Viola,

Have you heard from him at all or been in contact with him? You are facing a VERY BIG challenge and that is distance. It is sooooo hard to catch his attention with flirting, asking for help, appreciating him when you guys have lives in a different city that is an hour apart.

I would initiate contact sooner than later. The longer you go without connecting to each other, the more you both will get used to the idea of being without each other. What if you texted him and said, “I have something to celebrate and I would love to do that with you! Are you up for a drink this weekend?” Then you can tell him about the flight attendant thing.

Maybe also have a discussion as to what happened that caused him to pull away. If you do it in a way that is with a curious mindset, he may be more comfortable to be honest with you. You can say, “Listen, I really liked you and I together. I want to experience and learn more about you, but you have pulled away for some reason. Did I do something that caused this? I really would like to know. I am interested in learning and being better.” Hopefully he will open up to you. If he doesn’t, then I would caution you anyways. A guy who can not be honest and open about something like that, would make a very difficult partner. Honest communication is CRUCIAL for a relationship to work and last.

I also am wondering if he found someone else. You said you got suspicious. What happened that made you suspicious?

Heidi

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