[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allysia,

You are learning from your experiences, and that’s great! Often it’s all that you can do really. ANd when you do, it’s obvious to every person that you have standards and believe in yourself. Which is the best thing you can do!

Not surprising that he messaged you. Regardless of him being a coward and all that, I’m sure that he still had strong feelings for you. It sounds like he was also just very immature and not able to admit how he felt hurt by you not worshipping him and putting other things in your life on the back burner to cater to him. much easier to run to meet someone new who he didn’t feel rejected by. I mean, I know technically he broke up with you but…come on now. We all know what really happened…

So? What did you say/do?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Vanessa,

Thanks for writing in and sharing your story, and welcome to the forum!

So I’m a little curious…why do you want him back? It sounds like he wasn’t giving you what you needed from the relationship and so you made a good decision to split up. I’m not sure how that happened, but it sounds like perhaps it was by text or email? That tends to be a difficult way to get closure…is there a reason why you didn’t break up with him face to face?

Tell me more about how you met and how your relationship started. How often did you usually see each other? Was that a time that you felt like you were emotionally connected? What was that like? Did it change once he was away at the training? Did you see him less then?

Please let me know more about the dynamics in your relationship so I can be more exacting with how I can help!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Yes, it sounds like you are also pretty aware of what’s happening here and why he is resistant to connection. I’m sorry to hear that his marriage was so bad. How long have they been divorced now?

Also having a disabled child is very difficult. My cousin has a severely disabled son and it’s her entire world. Her and her husband divorced, it was rough.

So Patrick has been through it and so have you. It makes sense that you would have a connection. I’m sure he feels it too, its just like how most men are anyway, and especially men of your generation. He was never taught to express his emotions, he was told to bottle it up inside. Has he ever been in any support groups to deal with his child? Has he ever done therapy? Have you? I’d be surprised if he had. Men like him will barely talk to their closest people, they are not going to talk with a stranger and admit their feelings! So they bottle it up inside.

So even if he was interested in something deeper with you, if he had any conflicting feelings, he’d probably have a hard time deciphering where all these feelings were coming from. It would feel much easier to walk away, or run away rather, after making a hurtful excuse.

I’m sorry to hear that he said that about “not my type”. I really think it comes from a place of not being emotionally astute enough to handle any emotions that were arising.

Now let me just be clear here, I do not want to excuse his behavior. I do think that it’s fair to call him out on hurtful behaviour, and to let him know how it impacts you when he says things like that. I also want you to be sure that you’re being clear with him about what you want. Have you expressed to him that you’re not hung up on “being with him” and that you want to have a fun friendship with him? That conversation might help loosen things up!

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tracy,

Thanks for sharing. I want to breakdown more of what’s going on here.

You say: I do not want a divorce I feel in my heart our marriage is worth working out.

So I need to know, what makes it worth working out?

I am not seeing anything good, kind, or supportive here about his behavior. He frankly sounds pretty mean.

You were depressed. That’s a time when your man is supposed to care for you and try to help you feel better.
Then he says get yourself together or I’m out, and THEN he cheats on you?
On top of all of this, he doesn’t support your children, and barely plays a part in their life at all. He acts like this is your fault, when he is the one doing absolutely nothing of any value. Wow, that is not a man worth fighting for in my book!

In my book, and I know that our other coach would agree as she says it all the time, Why would you fight for a man who is not fighting for you?

Why would you want to “win” a man who isn’t a prize?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allysia,

Thanks for reaching out! Please don’t beat yourself up about any of it. You are obviously a loving and deep thinking human. You shared a bond with someone, and even if someone shows you their true colors and it’s crappy, it still hurts to come to realize that they are that way. It’s definitely not as easy as just saying, “oh well, he was a jerk.” It still sucks, and you can still miss the things that you did share with him, and the fun and excitement that you experienced.

In terms of this other woman, please don’t get caught up in the comparison of you and her, and how she must have something that you don’t. Remember this is not about you, or any fault in you. From the sound of it, she is a lot like you, and that’s probably why he likes her. She is probably, like you, a nice woman in a vulnerable predicament. Someone who is going through something and looking for a distraction, looking to get lost in a fantasy. That someone who he could easily turn the charm on to and she would be willing, like you, to let herself just fall into a fantasy world, where she has suddenly met the perfect man. This man who’s going to screw her brains out, and also show up for her as the incredible, strong, and with it together man that he is. Isn’t that amazing? what girl doesn’t want that, right? But here’s the thing. He’s not that man. Maybe he wants to be, but he’s obviously not. So when things gets real, he has to bail because he can’t live up the fantasy that he’s created about himself to the women who he’s with. He’s a coward, he can’t come out with the truth of who he is, and what he has to work on. So it’s easier for him to move on to someone new so he can play the game again. You lost, go back to the beginning.

So the “other woman” is just the next poor, unfortunate piece to get caught up on his game board. You won, she’s still playing the game. She’ll get out soon too, very likely. Because this is his MO. Bu he can’t put on the facade for that long…

Once again, I’m saying it’s him; not you. It’s him that’s messed up, and messed up with you.

Then I’m saying it’s you; not him. It’s you that has the magic and the passion. You were able to bring that out in each other, but I know that you are far from done, girl. You’ve got a LOT going on! I’ve never even seen you and we are just writing to you and I know that you would not have to be alone long of you don’t want to. So even though he technically ended it, he only did that because he knew that he was reaching the end of his being able to pretend he’s as cool as you. You have the whole world ahead of you. Don’t let someone dumb enough to let you go live anywhere in your mind. He ain’t worth it!

I appreciate learning more about your relationship with your ex. It sounds like you were very proactive in that relationship to make the changes that you needed to be happy. It wasn’t easy of course, and I’m sure there were a lot of painful experiences on both sides, but the fact that you are amicable co-parents speaks so much of your character as well. Many people are not able to split up and have any semblance of connection, which is very sad. I have personally never been like that and so I’m glad when I meet others who see the value in working things through with people in your life.

I also like hearing about the work you’ve done with your trauma. That is so valuable and intense work. Also not for the faint of heart, which it sounds like you are not particularly. How has that worked for you? Where are you in your journey with that now? Are you still working on things? Do you feel like you’ve healed and/or made positive changes?

Look forward to hearing from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Traci,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! Im so sorry to hear about what’s happening with you and your husband. It feels so bad when things suddenly change and blindside you. Were you having problems before? What was your marriage like before you caught him cheating? Was this the first time?

It concerns me that you caught HIM cheating, yet you are the one who has to “prove yourself”. What did you do that was wrong? How did you hurt him?

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself by saying that you “know I used all the wrong signals and pushed him further away”. It also concerns me that you say he “acts as though he hates me from time to time.”
Have you done something to be ashamed of? Why would he hate you?

There’s a lot going on here so let’s start there. Please remember that this is an anonymous forum so you can share whatever you feel comfortable with and you will not be judged or known. We are your allies here and always on your side.

I look forward to learning more about you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allysia,

Wow, that is amazing! So much kudos and respect for you for the respect and care you are giving to yourself. Those mantras are wonderful, and do keep reminding yourself of what a jewel you are, and how well you deserve to be treated. The more you do it for yourself, the more that will be the only thing that can come to you. When you won’t tolerate anything less than high quality human behaviour, those high quality people will recognize that and be drawn to you.
I love that you do meditation too! I am very invested in tapping into the spirit world and mindset. Cord cutting, past life regression, and other ritual/journeying, etc can all be of great assistance.

But your job now is to fend them off! I can tell that humans in general are likely to flock to you as you seem to have a positive and upbeat nature, and you’re intelligent and fun to be around. Which is why I also want to point out, that the feelings you experienced with him can ALSO be experienced with other people, people who are a better fit for where you are in life. Which is NOT trying to jump into another relationship, lol!
How long ago did he get divorced? What’s his situation?

But either way, of course it feels bad when you share so much deep intimacy with someone and then they just turn it off, and in short order just turn it back on for someone else, as if they are turning on and off a switch. It sounds very much like he’s looking for a very specific thing (you mentioned he was older and he definitely sounds set in his ways) and it’s easy for him to just use people, like he is shopping. “Oh, you don’t sell Make Me Your Entire World here? Ok, thanks, I’ll go look across the street”…But that’s not about you, that’s about him. He sounds very lonely actually, and you are a babe about town!

He may have cared in those moments, but it takes more than that, as I’m sure you know, to make a relationship work. Whatever he felt or didn’t, really has nothing to do with you. You also have to remember, that you only knew each other a few months, and there is so much that goes into truly getting to know and love someone for who they are, that you really can’t experience that in such a short time. Sure you can care about someone but it’s not enough time to build a true bond or know who the person is.

And when sex comes into the equation, it gives you a false sense of intimacy. Sex, especially really good sex, is very emotionally bonding. When you have a lot of sexual chemistry with someone, it can make you think and believe (and definitely WANT to believe) that they have all of what you want and need in every aspect, but rarely is that true.

But I wouldn’t necessarily let the way it’s ended taint the entire experience that you had with him. It sounds like he was there with you at a pivotal time in your life. How fortunate to meet a man that you could have hot sex with as you were getting divorced! You got to live in a fantasy world with him, but you don’t want to live there forever. Because the reality is, the fantasy will not last forever. And you’ve got things to do, girl! You have a lot of YOU time ahead. A lot of time to cater to your needs, to put yourself front and center. And if you want it to, having amazing sex can still be a part of it. You just have to learn how to work through your emotions with it. But good news, that’s kinda my specialty…

None of this excuses the fact that the way he handled this was very poorly, and I’m so sorry of how that hurt you.

And before I go, I just had to say again, how awesome it is to see what you’ve learned from this. I love how you’re realizing where you ignored a red flag or turned a blind eye. You are growing and getting more in tune with each experience, which only makes them better and better!

Talk soon,
xoxo
Spyce

Ps: what was your relationship like with your ex????

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allysia,

Congrats lady! I am so proud to hear that you blocked this person and removed him from your life. That’s incredible and so great that you are not wasting time on someone who obviously has different goals than you.

I want to have fun, go be free with my time, go out and dance and have dinner with friends. And you should!

It sounds like this man is desperate for a relationship, and was trying to tie you down. He actually sounds very selfish, not very self aware, and full of red flags. he was jealous of you going out with friends? What kind of BS is that?!
He was upset because you weren’t “fully available”? How self absorbed can you be? Any man you allow into your life has to respect that your time is YOUR time first, and if you decided to share it with him, he is lucky. You do not owe him anything, and if he will take it personally that you can’t be at his beck and call, that is really too bad. As I was saying, you just got out of a marriage, or rather are getting out of one. This is a time for you to have fun and craft exactly how you want your life to be. The last thing you need is for a man to be trying to control any aspect of you.

I see manipulation through and through with him. Now maybe it’s not super conscious, but that’s why I say that he doesn’t seem that self aware. Enough about him, he’s the past! But I don’t want to gloss over your hurt feelings though, so before we move on to your fabulous new life, talk to me about that. What makes you feel so hurt? Because from where I sit, the best thing he did was move on.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

I totally understand the feeling of fate, and that someone is meant to be in your life. The only time that can get tricky, is when we shut out red flags, or we allow ourselves to be treated poorly by someone who we have determined is meant to be in our lives, come hell or high water. No matter how pre-destined something seems, you just need to be clear that you are putting your own happiness and mental health above anything else.

The reality is, you are in a state of grief, a state of shock likely too, and you are feeling vulnerable. You just lost your dear husband and I’m sure that Patrick can feel like a lifeline to him. You don’t want to lose that too.

From what you’re saying, it sounds to me like what you’re doing right now is perfect, as long as it makes you feel good and not bad. You have found a friend in Patrick, and as long as you are good with that, for now that’s all you have to do. It doesn’t sound like you are in a rush to date per se, you just felt the vibe with him and wanted to explore it. I’m not convinced that he doesn’t feel the same way, and time will certainly tell.

It does sound like he is scared of relationships in general. Do you know what happened with his ex-wife? The circumstances of their divorce? The goal in relationships is to have the connection enhance your life and make it easier. However many people have poor communication, and much stress in their relationships which makes them want to stay away under the assumption that this is what a relationship is. But it’s not what a healthy relationship is. A healthy relationship should not drain you, but inspire and invigorate you. Maybe Patrick hasn’t had that experience, which is why he finds more joy in his work than in human relating.

My only concern is that you say that: I want to show him he can have his work and a friend too
While this is a lovely sentiment, I don’t want you to be sent down a path of trying to change a man, or being willing to accept breadcrumbs from someone when you really deserve the entire loaf of bread! if you are going to be in connection with him, it has to be without expectations. It has to be about enjoying what is, and not focusing on what may happen. Like if you do or say this, eventually he will want to be with you. You have to be ok with the idea that he may never want to be with you romantically. You have to be happy to be his friend. Do you think you can do that?

I totally understand that you don’t want to throw away a lovely friendship, but I also don’t want you waiting around for something that there is no guarantee of happening, if that’s what you really are wanting.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

I’ve been reading thru your story, thanks for sharing and I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Very difficult for sure! I have a little bit of a different thought on this so I figured I’d chime in just to give you a another perspective…

It sounds like you and Patrick have a real connection. He was close with your husband and so were you. You likely have the same taste in people, so it makes sense that you would get along so well. There also is something comforting about being with someone who knows your special person that passed. In some cultures it’s even a practice for a brother or family friend to marry the widow.

Of course you wanted and needed a friend and support system, and how sweet of your husband to want you to have someone to help you when he passed. Did he ever tell you why he picked Patrick, this friend who he hadn’t conversed with in years? If he knew you, he’d probably have known that you’d connect…and that’s part of what I’m thinking.

It doesn’t sound like you feel any guilt about it, but maybe Patrick does? Did they talk about an agreement before your husband passed? Unless he gave Patrick the green light, maybe he would feel like he was dishonoring your husband? The “I’m not attracted to you” excuse is a tired one when it’s so blatantly not the truth, that I’m sure it’s something deeper. Could this possibly be it?

I do agree with Heidi (and none of this is disagreeing. Heidi knows her stuff!) in that you can’t wait around for a man who is not willing to communicate openly about his feelings, but I also understand that life is short, and it can be worth it to make an effort with certain people. You don’t want to be asking what if…I do believe in having good standards and not letting people hurt you, but I feel like that can be solved with honest communication, which it doesn’t sound like you’ve had too much of. Or when you have had it’s backfired. But that’s something that can evolve the more comfort and trust there is.

If it were me, I’d just accept his calls, and talk to him. He is basically a stranger so get to know him. Get to know more about your husband through him. You enjoy being around him, become his friend. I wouldn’t see it as a rejection, or a situation where you have to make a hard and fast boundary around seeing him or not. Don’t expect romance, at least not yet. Just enjoy the experience and see how it goes. I’m sure you are still in grief and shock. 70 days is a short time to lose your every day partner. That’s big change. You don’t need to make too many decisions right now. Be kind and gentle with yourself and try to take things, especially with Patrick, more lightly.

How does that feel?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allysia,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with a hurtful situation.

When in the middle of a divorce you want nothing more than to feel wanted by a man, so it’s natural that meeting this man and having an amazing sexy chemistry must have been incredible. How had your sex life been with your ex? If it’s anything like most divorcing couples, probably not great. You said that you felt like it went deep with him. Sex can be a powerful drug, and so that certainly played into the intensity of your feelings with this new guy too.

The other thing is, you have been married and so used to being intimately involved with someone, and of course having a partner feels better than not. During a divorce you just want back some semblance of normal, and it’s easy to allow yourself to just sink into something new that feels so good, physically and emotionally. The danger is to get too caught up in it, and think that is has any real bearing on your life because it absolutely doesn’t and shouldn’t. While it’s sad to go through a divorce, it does give you an opportunity to do exactly what you want, live your life on your own terms, and make things better than you’d ever imagined.

If you aren’t even divorced and you already are having tons of hot sex with a new guy, you don’t have anything to worry about. You will meet another guy who you can have hot sex with, AND who is ready to not play games and will treat you like the queen that you are.

Here’s the thing: it sounds like you felt emotionally invested, which is natural, given your circumstances. But you have to recognize that you are fresh out of a divorce (not even) and you need time for yourself, to love yourself no matter who else does or what happens. You do not need to be chasing after some man who wants to “just have sex now”. No bro, you don’t get access to that anymore! And then tells you he is “talking with someone else” so you will give in to the sex. Do not let him play you! He is manipulative and even if he’s a nice guy on the surface, his communication skills are very immature and off. You can do better!

So no, do not save the relationship. Run, run far away. And be glad you got out now! Make way for your dream man to come and sweep you off your feet 🙂
But before that happens…what are you going to do for you? What’s something that you always wanted to do but couldn’t because you were married? Or for some other reason? If you could do anything at all, what would you do??

I’m excited for you! I know divorce is painful, but letting go of the old makes space for the new, and the world is your oyster 🙂

Look forward to hearing from you,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kimberly,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’d say that your instincts are correct, and that he is unsure about commitment at this time, and yes due to the fact that he’s had so few relationships. It makes sense that he might want to explore and meet people if he hasn’t done that. Five months is a short amount of time in the scheme of things, but it’s also long enough to know if you’re looking for the same thing. In my world, I recommend putting what you want right in the ad, but that’s another answer!

But the real question is…why has he had so few relationships? And that being said, is he able to give you what you want in a relationship? How is your standard of relating? Have you had some good, healthy relationships? Tell me about your longest term sitch?
In the current situation, do you want to be with someone that you will have to train in some ways? If so, what makes him worth it? What makes him worth the time and effort if you can find a fully formed man? And if you don’t believe you can find a fully formed man, why not?

But I don’t know for sure yet…maybe your relationship is great, or has been. But given the state of things, it’s fair to say that he’s not willing to make changes for you, and to be honest, he shouldn’t. Everyone need to live their own circumstances. It sounds like he came to a realization after the trip (which can happen) and is being honest with you, which is always better sooner than later, as mentioned.

So leads us to your actual question, which is as simple as the age old, “should I stay or should I go?” It goes back to what I said before, everyone need to live their own circumstances, and that includes you. So what do you want?

Should I keep seeing him and hope he chooses me? If you’re cool with seeing him and not being exclusive, have at it! Being in each other’s lives will give you the experience to know if you want to keep hanging around him, and it might wind up being a lot of fun. There’s the concept of propinquity, that you will stay top of mind and eventually grow on someone, and I have to say that if you’re persistent, you might wind up being the last one standing. But that’s not easy, and can lead to heartbreak. So if you’re going to be upset every time he’s out doing his thing, and are just waiting there with “hope that he chooses me” it’s not going to be a good experience.

So if that is the case, I think that you should let him go gain more experience and not hope that he comes back, but just see what happens. When you let go of something that isn’t working, you let in what is, or will be. Who knows, you might find that fully formed man right out on the street, once you really determine what it is that you want in a partnership, and are aware of what a man needs to bring to the table in order to be with you. And then, just don’t accept anything less. Easier said than done? Of course! Impossible? No way!!

Thoughts? 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tahirih,

I just wanted to pop back in and see how things are going with you. Please update me!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi S,

What are the pros and cons? Let’s try listing them out and seeing how things pan out…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tahirih,

Thank you for sharing more about these painful memories. I know it’s not easy, but it does help to get more context in the situation and to learn more about you and the experiences that you’ve had in life.

It’s understandable that when you consistently see someone and they are paying you attention, that you can start to feel interested in them, even if you weren’t before? Were you not attracted to him at first and then you became attracted, or was it more than you just decided to give him a try? Wondering if you were cautious at first because of your breakup and not wanting to get involved again?

Before we move on to this current guy, let’s talk about this previous partner that you were living with as it sounds very similar to what just happened, although on obviously a much larger scale. With the man in 2021, how long were you living together? How long did you know him before he moved in? And then one day he just packed up and left? Was there an altercation? Did anything happen? Did you try to communicate with him after?
As much as I don’t believe in chasing anyone, I do believe in closure. And if someone just runs away, I don’t think it’s wrong to run after them and demand that they tell you what happened. You won’t always get an answer but I personally could never sit back and just say, oh well. So how did things go with that previous relationship? Were you ever able to find out what happened on his end? Were you ever able to get closure?

Which brings us to the current situation. It is strange how he is behaving, but not necessarily shocking, as men are cowards, and run away all the time for no reason at all that we can see. So first, I just want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. Whatever he is going through that is causing him to act like this is not your fault. Because his actions are not that of a man of integrity, they are the actions of a man who is a coward.

So really at this point, it’s up to you as to what you want to do in the situation. Trying to win him back is not worth your time. He’s shown you that he’s a weak person who will not be there for you for the long haul, and if that’s the case, why waste any time with him at all? However I can understand wanting to get closure, or wanting to confront him. How are you feeling about your next moves?

xoxo
Spyce

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