[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dixan,

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum! There is actually quite a lot here and I want to dissect it all with you but first I want to know more about you. What have your past relationships been like? How many have you had? How old are you and this other person? Can you share anything about his relationship life?

I have worked with trauma quite often and I can tell that the signs of trauma bonding is so thick here we may need a knife to cut it. It’s as strong as the smell of him on his shirt that he left for you. It’s love bombing and manipulation 101. It makes sense that you would feel so strongly for him and he for you. Why he would be so intense and then pull away. And if he’s caught in a trauma loop, he’s likely not even realizing he’s doing it. And neither are you, although you are responding to him in kind.

That being said, I’d love it if you could share more about you both so I can understand the best way to help you navigate this situation. Please remember that everything here is entirely anonymous and confidential. We have no idea of anything about you unless you tell us. We are also professionals and have heard it all (and experienced a lot of it too!) so no one is judging and we are just here to help.

Look forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Allysia!

So sorry for the delay in my response. I had some unexpected travel come up and then I go sick upon my return because you know…stress and winter! But now I’m finally situated in front of my computer again and ready to reconnect with my ladies, your fine self being one of them!

You are just really a gem, I want you to know that. The way I’ve witnessed you deal with things with such grace, poise, intelligence, compassion, etc is really gorgeous. And you can look at other people’s messages, I don’t just say this to everyone. I give credit where credit is due and it’s due here, girl!

I so understand I feel like I got rejected and by someone who wasn’t really in my league

That’s something I get and it’s still rough, even if you know that you’re better off without them. It makes you angry and indignant too, shameful. And also like, why didn’t this person fight for me? Didn’t they get the prize hat they were giving up?

But they know they are not enough, and it’s their own demons that haunt them. He didn’t reject you, he was intimidated by you. He ran away because he’s not enough for you. And at least he knows that. It would be nice if he was mature enough to acknowledge and voice that, but he’s not. And you ladypants, you’re on the move. You seriously do not need that ish, one bit.

So what are you up to now, faboo Queen?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Karin,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! I can understand how surprising it can be when you’re dating someone new and everything is going well, when all of a sudden something changes and everything is suddenly different.
It sounds like he wasn’t recently with someone and it seemed like he was ready to date and have a relationship. So it must have been blindsided to have an ex from years ago come back around.

But I have to be honest and say that two months is not a long time to know someone, and that information plays into a few different aspects right now.

He doesn’t know you. He may like you and want to get to know you, but there just isn’t that familiarity yet when you’ve really bonded with someone and can totally be yourself around them. It’s way too early for that, no matter who the person is. Having an ex that you’ve missed come back around is something that many people would want to explore.

And because you don’t know him that well either, I’m assuming you likely don’t know really what his past relationships have been like, with her and with others.
Yes he’s been nice, kind, and good in bed, but anyone can be anyone for two months. Who really knows if you’d be good together in the long run…

I agree that it could also be like you said that she’s just out of a relationship, she just wants the comfort of a familiar crutch,. She could just be using him to make herself feel better and it may all blow up in their faces. But either way, that’s not really about you and unfortunately, it sounds like they may have some sh*t to work out.

So you can hang around and hold on as an option, waiting to see what he decides to do. Sure you can try to send him messages at perfectly timed intervals to get him to interact with you, but that sounds exhausting.

The unfortunate facts are that he is going to interact with her. He is checking out what’s going on with her first, and then if/when it doesn’t work out, he will let you know. How do you think that will work out for you? And how long are you willing to wait to see what he wants to do?

It sucks, it really does. Believe me, I get it! It’s not easy to meet a nice guy who seems like a good person and you have great chemistry with, but no matter what he’s a human, and you can’t change people.

I know he seems like a great guy, but he is not the only guy in the world. Do you want to be someone’s second choice?

If he meets up with her and decides that he doesn’t want o be with her and comes back and you’re still single, that’s one thing. But please do not make him an option when he’s not making you a priority.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy!

So sorry for the delay in response. I was unexpectedly traveling and not able to get back to you. I really hope some words of widsom can still help!

Thank you so much for letting me know how things are going with you. It sounds like you’ve been enjoying your times spent with Patrick for what it is, and not trying to make it into something it isn’t. Good for you!

But it also sounds a bit confusing because he is doing something very common that men do. He is saying one thing and acting totally in the opposite way. They sure like to make things a challenge, don’t they?

As I’ve mentioned before, I think he is going thru a whole bunch of emotions. Ranging from guilt from being your husband’s friend to his own fear or intimacy and close relationships. It sounds a bit like coaxing a scared bird (or is it more a beaten puppy) out of it’s cage. That takes time, finesse, and patience. And always deciphering the value along the way.

Who knows…it could be more than a friendship if you’re willing to employ all stated above…BUT never good to put all of your eggs into one basket until you know you’re making an omelette!

You said something about it being his birthday and then that you’d see him in 6 days which being that this message came in last week…is likely today! Did you see him? Was it his birthday? What happened??

Sounds like you might have an update for us so I’m going to stop here for now and wait to hear what’s going on.

Talk soon!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Gee,

I saw your message and figured I’d chime in. It sounds like there are a fe things going on here.

1. Yes, it’s likely that he doesn’t want to be a repeat of your last relationship where he saw you being very stressed. It sounds like the joblessness wasn’t the only cause of the toxicity, but it definitely might be a trigger for him. Also, as Heidi said, men like to be providers. This man seems like the type where he wants to be able to give you his all or not at all. he doesn’t want o come half cocked into the relationship and here’s an honor in that.

2. So you’ve known each other for 5 years online, became very close that way, and then recently met and became intimate a few months ago? That means that you’ve ‘known” each other, but not in your daily lives, which can then make it difficult to adjust when you are IRL. It could all be a bit overwhelming…why did it take so long to meet? How far away from each other do you live? How many times did you meet in person?

3. I hate to say it, but there could be so many things going on…how do you really and truly know what’s going on in his life?

So you asked: at the back of my mind, I’m questioning myself if I should let him go and respect his decision to break up with me while he work on getting through his difficult situation?

Here’s the thing…relationships take work. People are messy and life can be difficult. You need someone who is prepared to weather that storm with you. If they are willing to get going when the going gets tough, they are not your person. You need someone who is willing to stick it with you through thick and thin. So what else can you do besides respect his decision? If you’re working to change his mind, you’re just devaluing yourself and what you bring to the table. You’re worth more than that. So that’s my answer…

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey Allysia,

So wait a minute…that’s the first time I think I’ve heard that…

I do want him to try and come back and tell me what a fucking mistake he made

You DO??!! Wow! Ok let’s dissect that a bit because apparently you are still mentally engaged with him, if you are in the back of your mind wanting something from him. I respect that you’re not hung up on anything happening and still going about making your dreams come true BUT I also want to help you get past letting him take up any more of his head space.

So let’s look at what you want from him…you want him to regret “his breaking up with you”, which I still don’t buy because I’m sure he was just trying to do it before you did. And he has reached out to you…his last message was him being sad that you weren’t interested in chatting with him anymore. I’m sure if you had, he would have told you what a fucking mistake he made. He knows it girl, duh. He knows it, and you know it. You don’t need to hear it from you. Because in order to hear it from him, you need to engage with him and rehash a whole load of bullshit that you don’t have time for.

I know you’re in a vulnerable place right now and you wish that you had a fun lover to connect with, and I want that for you too. But that’s not what comes with him. It’s not just fun while you figure out your next step. And that’s what you really need! So while I’m not really saying just go get a f*ckboy, maybe I am? 😉

I just want you to know that you’re awesome and that you don’t need anything from him. You can have everything you want, and you will!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Vanessa,

Thanks for sending an update! Yes it sounds like you are being casual and friendly with him, and I think for now if you are casual with him, he will keep in touch. Since he has already expressed how he feels about being in a deeper relationship, it doesnt sound like asking him again at this point will help. Perhaps being friends with him will lead to further connection, or maybe it won’t. Hard to say but probably best to not count on it.

How are you feeling about it at this point?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Allysia,

Thanks so much for sending me this update! I’m really glad to hear that I was helpful AND you did so much of this on your own. I mean really girl, look at you! You have made peace with this and are moving on. You’ve seen his true colors, recognized what in you was responding to that, made some great decisions, dialed back in, and are now killing it with living your life on your terms. Impressive!
To be honest, I’m like damn! I need to be more like Allysia! Being creative, treating your body well, loving your relationships. You are AH-mazing 😉

How are you feeling about all of it now?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Sounds like it’s all going well! You are having fun and enjoying the time you spend with him. You are not asking him to define it, and you are ok with it being undefined. I’d say all is well!

What kind of suggestions would you like? It sounds like you’re managing quite well as is…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Vanessa,

How much space and time did you actually have? Also, you mentioned hat he had changed and that you didn’t feel like he was as interested in the relationship. And so because of that, you wanted space.

He responded that he hadn’t changed but that he is in a place in his life where he doesn’t have the ability to give the relationship what it needs. He respects you and cares about you and wants you to have the best, which at this point is not him.

So that’s it…I think he’s been pretty clear.

Sure, you can go back to him and tell him that you think that you made a mistake and that you just want to be with him again. But that would be at the expense of being in a relationship that’s not fulfilling for you. That’s not fair for him, or for you.

I urge you to look at what is it exactly that you’re missing, and what are you so fearful of? I’d say the best thing you can do at this point is stay connected to him as a friend. If you are meant to be in each other’s lives, you will continue to be. If not, then you are not meant for each other.

I understand that you feel like you set this thing in motion, it was your idea, and now that you’ve changed your mind you can just reverse it. But it’s just not that easy. It sounds like he was feeling already like this wasn’t the right timing for the two of you and he just didn’t want to say it. You saying it did him a favor and he was relieved. Not because he doesn’t care but because he does.

Unfortunately I don’t see this as being good timing to try and reconcile as he doesn’t want to. Pushing it will only push him away. Can you just be friendly and caring and move on with your life? You may have to…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Julie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out! We are happy that you’re here looking for answers. Before we get started though, we need answers of our own!

The first one is who is this WE? What are you drifting apart from? When did this start? Did something trigger it? Slow or gradual?

And…do you want it back? Why? What does it bring to your life?

Looking forward to learning more…
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Ok Vanessa, I understand that you are feeling bad now that you’ve broken up and that you want to see him again so you can show him why you should get back together but I’m still wondering why? You didn’t answer my questions so I’ll ask again.

1. It sounds like you did the exact right thing, and then when he agreed with you, you got scared and wanted to run back to him. Why?

2. Also, how could you be so succinct and eloquent, so sure about what you wanted and describe it so intelligently, and then so easily have a change of heart as soon as he agreed with you? It really boggles the mind…

So the question is, what made you break up with him in the first place? What really made you get to the place where you wrote that letter? And what were you thinking at that time?

He is simply responding to you, and he is responding appropriately to what you wrote. For him to do anything but what you mentioned would be the usual reason someone would write in. He took it kindly and is also assuring that he still cares and will be your friend…LIKE YOU ASKED HIM TO DO…

We have to get back to where you were feeling when you wrote him that beautifully worded and clarifying break up letter. Apparently you were not happy. You were not being met and you wanted something to change. There was a reason…what was that?

That is where the real key lies here…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Vanessa,

So it sounds like you did the exact right thing, and then when he agreed with you, you got scared and wanted to run back to him. Why?
There must have been some reason why you wrote such an intelligent and deep thinking letter in the first place…

If any person were to get that letter, they would assume that the person writing it had really come to that revelation after much thought, and that they weren’t just writing from a place of hurt or confusion. If they came back after and said that they were, who would be inclined to believe them?

So that’s the question? Why are you so upset that you wrote a beautiful and mature letter and it was received in a kind and respectful way? Did you want him to protest? Say that he must keep you? Fight for you?

I’m a little unclear what you want from him now based on what you told him. I understand that you want to reconnect but how? And for what? It sounds like you feel like the space made toy realize that you wanted him back. Is that true, or are you just lonely and miss his family? What did you truly like about the relationship? What did you truly like about him?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

I think it’s admirable of you to want to continue to work at the relationship, and I totally understand why you would. If this was a typical “dating situation” I might say differently, but I think if it’s not hurting you or stopping you from doing anything else that you want, then go ahead. I just do want to reiterate though that he may never come around to being anything more than a friend, and you have to be ok with that. You also have to know that someday he may start dating someone else. But you also don’t know that for sure either so…as I said, if it’s not hurting…why try to predict the future? Enjoy it for now.

So that being said, maybe you don’t need to have any conversation about who or what you are to each other. Maybe you can just enjoy what is. There could be many reasons why the idea of anything deeper freaks him out, and probably the least of a reason is that you’re “not his type”. But if you start bringing that up, then he had to go into all of his whole baggage and try to explain himself. At this point, that will probably just make him climb into his cave. So for now, just have fun together!

How is that feeling for you so far?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tracy,

Well unfortunately intimacy does not always mean that someone is happy. There must have been things going on for awhile if he told you that he wanted to seperate. Had he cheated before this that you know of?

How was your communication with him? Like for example, if one of you is upset about something, what do you do? How do you express it? How do you resolve it?

You say that we bring out the best in each other

Can you give some examples of that?

xoxo
Spyce

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