[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Wait, so what happened exactly? He messaged you on Halloween and was supposed to message you later in the week to go out for pizza and didn’t? And you haven’t heard from him since last week?

So my question is, if this was a friend of yours, like a girlfriend or something, what would you do?

You might assume that something is wrong and try to contact her to see if she’s ok, right? Or you might just say, “hey are we still getting together this week? I want to plan out my time.”
Right?

What you wouldn’t be doing is sitting by the phone and not calling her because you are afraid that doing so would push her away, right? You’d just assume that she got busy or something. But you wouldn’t take it so personally.

I know it’s hard, but I think that’s what you have to do here. You have to treat him like every other person. Why does he get special treatment and is allowed to treat you poorly? It doesn’t matter whether you like him, or he likes you, or if you’re dating, or in love. The fact is that you are both just people, and there’s something called human decency. Which entails doing what you say you will, and being respectful of other people’s time and energy. So that’s all it is. Take any romantic desires out of the equation and it’s still just about basic human decency.

So how about contacting him with that kind of energy? My first response would be something along the lines of…hey, is everything ok? I thought we were going for pizza this week!

And then if you want to make upcoming plans, saying something like…Would love to confirm a time with you so I can make plans. I have some things to do this week and so need to know my schedule.

How does that all sound?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sonja,

Thanks for sharing more of your story! I can see now that you have a history with this man, but I have to say it’s not the most healthiest one. Your relationship has obviously had many elements of lies and hiding from its inception, which of course makes it difficult to now insist on open and honest communication.

It sounds like he is looking for someone to blame instead of taking a look at his own issues and finding ways to change the things he’s unhappy with. That’s his obvious pattern. He was doing it when he first got together with you by cheating on his wife instead of dealing with whatever was wrong in his marriage. He ran away then just as he is doing now.

It also sounds like he just keeps reeling you back in and tells you what you want to hear once yoy get to a breaking point and are ready to throw in the towel. He’s not changing, he is lying to cover his ass, to get you back. I’m sorry to say but what you have with him in the good moments is not based on reality. Because the reality is that you keep coming back to the fact that he’s not willing to even look at his own issues and make steps to make change. He just blames everyone else, just like he is doing now.

And you are buying into it and letting yourself take the responsibility for his triggers, his issues, his pain. Trying to change it yourself. Telling yourself that if you just did something different, everything would be right with the world again. But that’s not true.

He says he is lost and that I did it and I broke him. Do you believe that? I hope not! He is a grown man, and from the sound of it, he’s been broken long before you came along.

I gave up everything for this man who is throwing it away so easily!

Why darling? Why are you doing this to yourself? What does he bring to your life? A partner should love, cherish, support you. Not push you away and blame you for his issues. I hear a lot of talk about how heartbroken you are, but I’m really left wondering…what are you getting out of this?

You need to start caring for yourself and your children instead of putting a grown man who is acting like a spoiled brat ahead of your own care.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sonja,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear of this disconnection that you’re having with your partner. Four years is a significant time period, and it’s so heartbreaking to have someone that you’ve been with for such a long time turn away from you like that, and become cold and distant. I really feel for you!

It sounds like he’s had a significant loss with his stepfather and he is in fact grieving. I’m curious to know what his normal pattern of dealing with stress is. While he may not have had an intense situation like this before in the time you’ve been together, it’s still worthwhile to observe how does he deal with stress and issues in general. is he one to usually pull away when he’s under stress, or does he want to talk things through with loved ones, ie friends or you? Meaning, is pulling away when he’s upset a pattern, or is this something new that he’s doing in this particular situation?

Also curious as to what your style is when stressed? Are you more inclined to pull away and go inward, or do you reach out to others who can be there for support?

It sounds like you are a caretaker, and that in this relationship perhaps you have bent over backwards to make him feel happy, satisfied, and content. Then you said that you “forgot his love language, his needs, his wants”. And at that point, you instead maybe started to communicate with him in a way that either felt more right to you, or that you felt pushed into because you became scared of losing him. So you were trying to cajole, convince, and make him “see the light”. This had the opposite effect and pushed him away, but it’s not wrong of you to have done so. After all, you have your own love language, needs, and wants, and in a healthy relationship, both people must be cognizant of that for the other person. I’s not fair to expect one person to make all of the concessions in order to make the other one happy.

Now I can see you wanting to take extra care with him when he’s in a vulnerable place, however my thinking is that this is typically how the relationship is between the two of you, and not only is that not sustainable, it’s not healthy nor fair to either of you.

It very well might be that this is him being lost, lonely, and losing his person but it sounds like you’ve already done quite a lot to make him see that and he’s not coming around to it.

How has your relationship been like otherwise? Are there other ways that you have a hard time connecting? Other issues? How is your communication in general?

You said if you leave, I will not be coming back…is any of this a recurring theme? What do you mean by he’s always told me he always has a back up plan?

Look forward to hearing back from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

I’m so sorry for missing this message! I have notifications set but sometimes things get overlooked. I deeply apologize.

Thank you so much for sharing more about your life with your husband! How wonderful it is to meet a kindred spirit, and how beautiful to experience love at first sight! It’s rare too, as often when people meet and they have that kind of feeling at first, it’s tends to change and dissipate after they get to know each other and you have to chalk it up to just chemistry and attraction, but not necessarily compatibility for the long haul. SOunds like you definitely had that with him!

I love that when asked if were married upon meeting, that you both looked at each other and said “ Not yet”. And then within 6 months, you were! And then together for 46 years! Talk about knowing what you want and making your dreams come true. So inspirational!

I’m sorry to hear of your fertility issues and I can relate as I have them as well. Not to the point yet of adoption, but my future may hold that. It’s very difficult when you just want a child to love and can’t have one on your own. I’m glad that you were able to experience the joy of motherhood and that you have children. Are you close with them?

When you say that you got used to coming in second, how did that make you feel? You obviously accepted it, and still felt like you had a nice life with your husband, but did you ever wish things were different or try to change it?
Also was this reminiscent of any other relationships in your life? Like with parents or other family? Did your parents have a similar relationship? Or did you witness this anywhere else?

I can see how if this is something that you are used to, that “waiting” for Patrick can feel normal, and maybe almost comfortable. It’s not wrong to be ok with that, as long as you are. But then you are expressing being lonely, so maybe this isn’t something that you want to continue to do.

The thing is, you could look into meeting other people, and still remain open to connecting with Patrick. This way you are taking steps to find your own happiness and not waiting around for someone else to give it to you, but there’s still the possibility for deeper connection with Patrick if he can show up in a way that works and feels good.

Since you are in the process of caring for yourself better, losing weight, etc, it could also be a really good time to look at losing some of your emotional baggage as well, and changing up what you feel like you deserve and are ok with when relating to others, specifically men.
What do you think about that?

It’s hard to say in this situation what exactly he meant by that, because I’m not convinced that there aren’t extenuating circumstances happening here. I just don’t think it’s as cut and dry as “you’re not my type”. Patrick obviously has a lot of baggage of his own, and it’s often easier for a man to give a pat answer such as that as opposed to looking at what’s really going on beneath the hood and what he’s actually feeling. I’m sure there are a variety of obstacles that he is facing when confronted with the thought of dating you, and so I wouldn’t let yourself take this on as there is something wrong with you. It sounds like you are bringing a lot of joy to his life. The more important question is what is he bringing to yours?

So while I do understand the draw and wouldn’t recommend cutting him out, I would caution against you putting all of your eggs into his basket.

Make sense?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dixan,

How are you holding up? I just wanted to check back in and see how you are doing and feeling. Any changes in your situation?

We are absolutely here to help however we can.
Just reach out and let us know!
xoxo
Soyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey lady,

How are you? What’s good? How are things going with Project You? Any news on the horizon? Are you dating? Staying off the apps? Hanging out with friends? Being fine as hell?
Well that last one’s a given 😉

Do tell!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Absolutely! Just let him set the tone and he will come to you. That’s what works with this one. Of course it can be a bit frustrating at times because you can’t control it, but really what can you control in life? Not much besides your own experience of things. So just focus on that and appreciate what is. Sounds like that’s been working out and you’ve been having fun!
It sounds like what you’ve been doing is working, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it!

I’m sure it feels nice to have someone to concern yourself with after losing your husband. I’m curious what your relationship was like with him? I realize I know nothing about that!

How did you meet? You never had children? How was your life together?
If you want to share that is!
For one thing, I’d love to learn more about him. Another benefit is that I get to learn more about you and how your life has been, which would be nice!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Karin,

Wow stress cleaning! Do you make house calls, lol?!

This all sounds like a really good and healthy plan. It can actually be a really rewarding experience to just be able to focus on yourself and your own needs and wants, and not be concerned about getting to know someone to see where it may lead. That can be really exhausting when it’s not happening naturally. Feeling better about yourself and coming from that place of strength is also when you’re more likely to meet someone organically and if it’s right, then it works!

Sounds like with exercise, journaling, and medication, you have a good plan. Do you feel like there are specific things from your past that have caused you to be single now? How long have you been single? What has your relationship life been like?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Believe me, it’s not just you! Many women/people struggle all the time with clear communication and finding people who will clearly communicate. When the communication is nebulous, it’s easy to feel confused.

Unfortunately he is doing that age old thing of saying one thing and doing another, and it does leave you with a sense of uncertainty. As to why he’s doing it, I think it’s because he’s afraid. And yes, men at that age…he hasn’t grown up being transparent with his feelings the way maybe some younger men have been taught. He does not want to be vulnerable. So it might take him awhile to get to that point of being able to talk openly about his feelings.

I think if he didnt want to spend time with you he wouldn’t reach out. He obviously enjoys your time together and really has a good time with you. But so far it seem that if you are looking for some clarity from him, unfortunately you are not going to find it. That’s why I’ve been saying, if you want to spend time with him, you are going to have to just accept it as is.

The only other thing you could do would be to try and talk again about the feelings that are happening between you, but you’ve tried that already and it didn’t go well.

So the question is…can you be ok with things as they are? It’s ok if not. But that’s really all that he has to offer you right now. And there’s no telling if there ever will be something more of if this is it. So you have to decide if this is all it ever is, are you ok with that? Because waiting for him to feel more could be a long wait, and it’s hard to say what it will evolve into, and if it will evolve into anything more.

That’s why Ive also said to not put all of your eggs into this basket and when you get to the point where you do want to date if nothing is happening with him then you do start to look elsewhere. But it really depends on where you are right now, and what feels good to you.

How do you think you can handle it?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Karin,

I totally understand and it’s a natural thing to do! It sounds like you are a proactive and deep thinking person, and when you are that way, we always think that we should have or could have done more, in many situations. That makes it easy to have regret, because we know that we are the kind of person who can make things happen. I relate to this, and I’ve had my fair share of mulling over what I did or didn’t say, and how if I could just talk to this person again, I could save things.

But we both know that’s not really the case. And the reality is, we don’t want someone to just give in, or do something because we’ve convinced them of it’s merit. We want people to come to us of not only their own free will, but their own deep desire. Once they have done the work to truly be ready for us.

Because that’s the thing, we want someone who is really ready to give us what we deserve, need, want, and will bring to a relationship. You don’t want to be with someone who is not fully invested. You want someone who wants you, and knows that they want you. That will come, and it sounds like you know that.

So what do you plan to do from here? How can you quiet the monkey brain?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dixan,

Yes, it’s sensible, even if it doesn’t feel the best. How are you dealing with your emotions around this? It’s tough to feel like you’ve found someone that you really bond with and then to have them disappear. It’s no fun, but it definitely is his issue, or issues really. You are ready and willing to work through whatever but he is not. So yes, there’s not much that you can do.

Is there anything that you can think of or that you are planning on in order to take care of yourself? What helps you to distance and work on yourself? Do you have friend/family support?

We are here for you! We know it’s not easy…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

A slow burn relationship can be really rewarding. It sounds like he is afraid of getting hurt but its obvious he wants to get closer to you. So just enjoy it!

What is it that you are feeling uncertain about?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dixan,

Thanks for sharing more! Yes, so this is exactly why you are trauma bonding. You both have been in really bad relationships, where you learned that the longing, the heartbreak, the lies, the poor treatment was what love was, and so you kept staying with and pursuing those people who treat you in a really awful way that perpetuates the idea that this is all that you’re worth, and this is what love is. Obviously you don’t really want that, bu you don’t know any other way. So then you meet someone else who has been similarly hurt, and it’s natural to bond and feel like you want to help each other, because you know how it feels to be hurt in that way.

I have to tell you, this man does not need a girlfriend, he needs a therapist. And quite frankly honey, so do you. That’s not a bad thing. Therapy is a wonderful way for you to have someone who will help you navigate through all of this. You can’t change him, you can’t heal him, you can’t make him see that he’s worthy of love. And he can’t do that for you either.

But…I do understand your desire to be with him. He’s actually a genuinely nice person, as are you. But until he’s able to change the pattern he has of needing that deeply hurtful version of love, he wouldn’t commit to you or be able to have the kind of partnership that you want to have with him. The fact of how he was relying on his most recent ex to pick him up from the hostpial after she committed him instead of being done is a sure sign that he’s heavily addicted to the toxicity.

You said: I realize he won’t be ready for anything for some time. and I don’t want to fix him, though. I want him to work on himself.

So what do you think that you can do in this situation? Because all you are in charge of is your own actions and reactions.

What do you think?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Cathy,

Sounds like you had a lovely time together! How sweet of you to find his favorite ice cream, his special cake, and also get him a thoughtful gift. That is really nice of you! It’s obvious you are a true gem of a person and he is blessed to have you as a friend. He is likely starting to realize that too. As you said, it’s highly unlikely that he has a relationship like this with anyone else. It’s doubtful anyone else makes a fuss over him or makes him feel special.

That’s sweet of you to do, but just make sure that you are getting your needs met in the situation too. I know that you’re not looking to date right now, and you don’t need to be, but just keep an eye on your emotions in this and make sure you feel good about it all. What your friend said is likely true. You may have to let him set the pace to some extent. But I do also think that you can continue to reach out in a friendly way as it seems that the two of you really enjoy each other’s company.

You said that the business is done, so I’m curious why did you see him yesterday? And you were still messaging at the end of day so it sounds to me like you are staying in good touch?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Karin,

Yes, I know it’s not great to hear, but it sounds like you needed to hear it from someone else to reiterate what you were already thinking in your head. It can be hard to look at things in a clear way when it’s ourselves. Of course you want to believe that there is another way, but in reality, you already have your answer.

I also understand that feeling of being done with the dating world, and feeling like there’s no one out there who is decent. But I think what you can take from this experience is not that there isn’t anyone decent, but that there are. Because you found someone. Sure, he ultimately wasn’t available, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not a good guy, and that there aren’t more out there. This is actually a testament to that there are. Does that make sense?

You said that it’s so hard to stop my brain from ruminating & running circles!

Where is your mind going exactly? What do you keep running through and focusing on?

xoxo
Spyce

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