[Coach Spyce]

Hey Samantha,

I want to echo what Heidi is saying as it’s spot on, and you yourself are saying it right there a couple of messages above.

Ideally by that point I would like him to have recognised my value and had another wobble over his plans…but this time chosen to pursue a relationship with me. In this scenario being a more confident version of me with boundaries would actually be beneficial to any future relationship.

Yes girl. Part of the reason that he doesn’t choose you is because he feels like he is not enough, and consequently that you are too much for him. You make him nervous because he knows how much you feel that you need him. That’s a lot of pressure, and it’s something that a man like him can’t relax into. It seems like he has a really hard time with people relying on him, even though he’s so reliable and capable.
The man has a lot of stories to work through, doesn’t he? It’s too bad that he won’t talk to someone outside of you about his feelings as it’s a lot for you to hold, but I am not surprised to hear that. My hope for you both would be that he’s able to open up to someone someday. That’s a lot to carry, and sounds like it severely gets in the way of having deep intimacy in his life.

But enough about him, how does what I’m saying relate to what you said about yourself above, and being confident? It’s to alert you to the fact that already know what you need to do, what you’ve been advised. I think deep inside you know that the more confident in who you are, and the more you just are who you are, outside of him, doing things for you, and creating opportunities in your own life, the more he will be able to relax into being the man that you want him to be, that he wants to be. The more you’re able to take care of yourself a bit more, and just do you, the more attracted he will become, and the more inspired he will be to connect to you. I promise. The more you have impeccable self care, and beautiful healthy boundaries, the more attractive you will become.

You sound like a very intelligent and strong woman. You are building a business, which is commendable and a lot of work. It’s wonderful that he’s been supporting you, as that’s what partners do, (and let me just say, he IS your partner, whether he wants to call it that or not) but you need to blast out and make it your thing.
That will be better for your heart, and your business. Fully commit to it, and it will be successful!
Ok that’s my business coaching for the day, back to love!

As Heidi said above, it’s time to reshape and step more into your potential.
What does that mean to you? How are you going to achieve that? I have a feeling you know what to do…

So I’d love to hear from you 2-3 things that you are planning to do for yourself, and also when you are going to do them by. Let’s hear more about how you can practice self care, and self love.

Because if you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself!
So do it up lady! Love yourself, as much as you love him, for even just a day and see what it feels like.

I’m rooting for you! Keep us posted 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Brenda,

Nice to hear back from you and thanks for telling me more about your mail friend! So it sounds like he’s not married or otherwise engaged, so that’s a plus! There still could be many reasons why he’s unsure of his abilities to be in a relationship, but at least we know that you’re not inadvertently asking him to step out on his significant other or previous commitments.

Seems like he’s a caring and helpful person, like you, so perhaps giving him an opportunity to be of service to you in some way could be a good idea. After all, that’s some people’s thing, their love language. The idea of “hanging out” to a shy person (who also might have some other communication issues) can seem like it’s going to be torturous. But the idea of helping a friend with a house project is not as terrifying.
I get the feeling that figuring out a way to “hang out” without making it into a “hang out” could be just what the doctor ordered!And maybe what he wants that too?

I don’t see anything wrong with putting in just a little more effort and trying to get to know him more, if! And yes, there is an if! If you can be relaxed about getting to know him, and not yet making it about a relationship. I understand that you have that feeling with him and want him to be in your life, and I think he can. BUT, and there is a but…he could be hiding many things, and there’s almost always more to the story that’s going on.

So I think you should absolutely ask him if he can help you with the project. If he does, then get back to me and we will figure out what to do next. If he doesn’t, then I think he just may not be available to connect any deeper. And you will have to be ok with that, remember that it’s not about you. and move on.

Yes, it’s difficult to date right now during covid, so the guy who is coming to your door everyday anyway may seem like a good option, but as I like to say…men are like buses, a new one comes around in 10 mins. And if you truly are ready for a relationship, you can and will find one. You sound like a vivacious person who will have no trouble getting out there (once it’s safe to do so) and meeting people.

And in the meantime if you want to get to know the mailman a little more, I’d say go for it!

Let me know how it goes!
C Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Emile,

I’m new on the forum but I see you’ve been here awhile, so I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself!
I look forward to getting to know you as time progresses!

What is the thing that’s most alive for you right now?
What is a project that you’re working on that’s inspiring you?

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Samantha,

I’m new here, nice to meet you! I’ve read through your messages and I can feel your heartbreak as it’s so palpable. I resonate with this feeling so much, and know what it’s like to love a man for the potential of what you can have, if only if they will just open up to it.
Of course you want to hold on, because what you have is so good, and if only he would…and therein lies the issue. It’s him.This is totally and 100% his issue. And that, my dear, is unfortunately something that only he can change.

I have to agree that what you have with him does sound pretty damn near perfect, except for the moment when he ruins it all but saying, “I can’t be in a relationship with you” when hello? He IS in a relationship with you.
Call it what you want, call it friends with benefits, but you sound like almost any old married couple to me, although you likely are having more sex!

He absolutely has real feelings for you, but he obviously has hangups around said feelings and knowing that he can deserve this deep connection, as Heidi said. Also, many men who use internal work as an excuse for intimacy, or say that they have to be in some specific place in life before they are ready for a relationship, desperately fear that they are not enough for you, and that they would ultimately disappoint you. And then you would reject him, and leave, thereby proving that he’s not worthy of love, and he needs to work more on himself. Vicious cycle, hm?

It sounds like he’s in touch with his emotions to a certain degree, does he have anyone else that he talks to? A therapist? A coach? A good friend?
He knows that you want a commitment from him, and he can’t give you those words, even though his actions for the past four years have been loud and clear. But maybe if he had someone else to talk to that was objective, he could look more clearly at his situation.

And then, how can you take care of you right now? What can you do to get what you need in these moments?

Let me know 🙂
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Brenda,

Welcome! Congratulations on taking the step to be here, and I’m so glad that you posted about your situation so we can get to know you more.
You seem to be a very positive, upbeat, and action oriented person. All great! And in terms of your friend, it sounds like it brightens his day when he sees you and he absolutely enjoys the interactions that he has with you. You are obviously a friendly and kind person, so I’m sure that you often can put a smile on people’s faces!

But whether that can translate into a romantic relationship is a whole other story. It could be, but there’s too much information left out of this proposal.

The main question that I have is about him. What do you know about him? You haven’t mentioned anything about his life outside of being a mailman (which I agree with you, mail uniforms are cute!). What is his relationship status? Does he have kids he’s taking care of? Or is he a caregiver to a parent also? Is he a single guy living alone in an apartment somewhere? Does he have a big family, lots of friends?
There are so many unknown factors here that determine how best to move forward.

So if you don’t have these answers, that would be the best place to start. Getting to know him more. There could be a kajillion reasons why he doesn’t want to “hang out” and I’m sure none of them are because you’re not lovely.
But his life situation might make a romantic relationship unreasonable and unrealistic for him, and until we know more about that, it’s difficult to say exactly what our next move is.

It sounds like you’ve been forthcoming with him about your life and he’s been “shy”. So start by engaging him more about himself to pull him out of that hard crunchy candy-coated shell 🙂
Oftentimes, that’s what the shy guy wants more than anything. He wants someone who will ask him questions and listen to the answers. If there’s a pause, just wait for a second. Have the confidence to let it linger. He just might surprise you with an earful.

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Coach Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nicole,

This is Spyce, I am one of the new coaches here!

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It sounds like a painful and confusing experience, even though there was also so many beautiful moments of care and connection with this man. I’m really sorry for how things ended, and I’m glad you reached out so that we can remind you that you are not alone.

So first off, it sounds like he “lovebombed” you! Very common thing, and very painful. You meet someone and they give you all the things that you’ve always wanted and more, and then they run away when things get real. It’s a fine adventure of going with the flow and flying by the seat of your pants, but it hurts people in the process. I feel you, it’s no fun! It sounds like it’s felt really devastating to have someone be there for you so implicitly, and then end it so abruptly.

That being said, please know that his rejection is not about you, even though it feels like it could be. Of course it feels like if you did something different, were less “needy”, or never asked him about the nature of the relationship, that things would have just kept going on the way they were. In limbo perhaps, but in a blissful limbo.

It’s so natural to feel that way, and you are not wrong for any of those feelings. But I just want to remind you, that you never did anything wrong. You have every right to have clarity in your relationship. You have every right to get support from this person who you had gotten so close to. His inability to provide you with these things are a result of his failings, not yours.

I’m sure the desire to contact him and try to reconnect is strong, and I completely understand. What seems important in this situation would be to evaluate a few things before going down that road.

1. What are you hoping to get from contacting him?
2. What result do you have in mind?
3. Do you feel like he’s been clear with you about where he’s at with your relationship?
4. Do you think that there’s something that you can do to change his mind?
5. Is it going to help you to heal? If so, how?

Let me know your thoughts about what I’ve said here. I look forward to continuing the discussion!

[Author]

Posts