[Coach Spyce]

Hello Rashanda,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this with your husband. It sounds like things have been moving in the direction of separation for awhile, and it’s really difficult to allow things to change when you don’t want them to, and it’s hard to let go when that’s the last thing that you want. I feel for you!

It sounds like you’re a bit confused as well as to why this is all happening and you don’t want to give in, but it also sounds like there have been some issues for awhile that perhaps you’ve been trying to ignore. First off, what happened when he stepped out on you? How were you able to heal and come back from that? Are there feelings that have lingered from that experience?

I’m also wondering how much you trust him…not only pertaining to the infidelity, but also just in terms of everyday things. You mentioned that he feels like you treat him like a child, and you have been the breadwinner and one in control for awhile. I’m curious to know if there’s any level of truth in there…if you don’t trust him to do the right thing, that’s an issue to look at. After all, trust in your significant other is a very integral part of the relationship.

I’m also wondering how much of this you have talked about, and if he has been open to working on the relationship, or being transparent with you about how he is feeling.

Please let us know more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Emma,

Welcome to the forum, and thanks so much for sharing your story! It can be difficult to put yourself out there and ask for help, so I commend you for being courageous and vulnerable. Now hopefully we can help 🙂

So yes, normally my first thought when someone says that they want to pursue someone at work is to think, uh oh! Because you either want the job more, or you want the person more, because it’s rare that you can have both.
You have made it clear that you have thought about that factor, and you are picking a potential relationship over the job, so having that clarity of what is important to you is a good first step.

The next thing I’d advise you to get clarity on would be a little more about your boss and his situation. Or if you have that clarity, do let us know! But as you mentioned, he may seem “perfect” (for you) but that is only the tip of the iceberg.

So my first line of questioning with that is what makes him perfect? What qualities/traits about him do you like?
Once you’ve determined that he has all of the things that really feel like he would be a perfect match for you based on what you initially know, then it really comes down to this: Is he available and does he seem open to a relationship? Because while someone can be everything that you want in a potential partner, if they are not in a place to open up to that idea for whatever reason, it’s not always the best plan to get in too deep with your desire for them. You may want them, but they may not be able to want you. See what I’m saying?

So this is a good place to start. Send some more info and we can advise you more on the intricacies of this potential love match!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hey there,

Ok, I’m so glad to hear that you don’t hate me now (LOL), and that you see where I was coming from with that remark. It was certainly not meant to make you feel bad and like you’d done anything wrong, it was just to point out how he might be feeling given all that he’s dealing with. Like both Heidi and I were mentioning, he is in an extreme emotional state, so he may be reverting back to his deepest childhood wounds, some of which are related to you from a time far gone. And even if they are not present now and he doesn’t feel that unconsciously, it could be triggering something. And like Heidi said, you become just one more person that he has to think about losing, and so it’s easier to push you away as opposed to dealing with loss, hence the “i’m thinking of ending things”.

The wonderful part of this is that you’re working on letting go of the desire to manage other people’s emotions, and I commend you for that. It’s difficult when you care about someone so deeply to not feel personally responsible for anything that they might feel in regards to you. And when you’re a strong protective Mama bear as you seem to be with the people you love, you want to ensure that you are looking out for them, and protecting them especially when they are most vulnerable. I totally get this and it’s a beautiful thing. But as I’m sure you know, you can’t make anyone do or feel anything. All you can do is you, and support them in their process.

I agree that there’s no reason to send him back the $15. If it was hundreds of dollars that would be one thing, but he may see it as a slap in the face for a few reasons, or as a way to make him feel guilty. The thing to remember is that he dearly loves you. Everything that’s happening now has nothing to do with how he feels about you, of that I feel pretty clear. It just sounds like it’s all too much to deal with, and he doesn’t want to keep dragging you through the ringer while he deals with whatever stress he is under.

You are doing a good job, no a GREAT job!

We are here for you, supporting you in your continued success 🙂
xoox
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Eva,

It sounds like your professor friend might be confused himself. Sometimes when people have been single for a long time, it can be difficult for them to think about changing their routine, and it can feel like a lot of work to let someone new in.
Having that coupled with the fact that you don’t live close to each other, and then there are restrictions on movement due the pandemic, can make an already somewhat difficult situation feel insurmountable. It may be that while he enjoys the attention and the flirting, it feels like there are too many factors against the two of you to really make a go of it and take things to the next level with a trip.

The thing that’s always important to take into consideration when contemplating a new relationship is how available is the other person, and I don’t just mean how busy they are, because you can always make time for someone if it’s a priority.
But it’s more about how emotionally available are they, and how much are they willing to step outside of their comfort zone to make something work if there are obstacles. As mentioned, if this man has been single for so many years, he may not be willing to make an effort unless it is easy to do so.

In terms of what you can do, I think you are doing all that you can. You are being available to connect, you are being open and honest. If you’re feeling confused by him, it never hurts to ask for clarification. If doing so scares him away, then it’s just as well as he wasn’t going to step up to the plate to begin with.

Thoughts on this?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Maria,

That’s totally fine! Whatever you want to share or don’t is ok with us. Sometimes the more we know the more we can help so that’s the main reason I ask. Also it can stop us from making assumptions about what you’re going through!

You are mentioning that “He just got out of a relationship when we tried to hang out, he was not ready for anything new.”
How do you know that he IS ready for something now? To be honest, his behaviour isn’t really indicating that he is…

Also, you said “I am glad those hang-outs did not happen”. Why is that? Was it because you knew that he wasn’t ready for it? So he question still remains, how do you know that he is ready for it now?

When you text, what is the nature of the conversations? Is it casual and friendly? Or is it more romantic and flirty? These texts can give us a key to more of what he’s looking and available for, instead of just trying to guess…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

It’s late here and I wouldn’t normally be on at night but I just wanted to log on briefly to say how so very sorry I am for how my comments impacted you! I want you to know that I think the world of you and I would never want you to be hurt by something I’ve said. You told us early on the beginning to give it to you straight, so I’ve just been pointing things out as they come to me. I truly do apologize for crossing a line!

To be clear, I am in no way trying to say that you rejected him for 30 years in any kind of accusatory blaming way on you and your actions. To me it just sounded like part of your dynamic back then had been for him to really want to be with you, and you were the more avoidant one at that point.

In your recent relationship, you obviously did a lot of healing in that realm, which is great! I know for sure that you really love him and that you’re an incredibly caring and emotionally astute person who did everything in her power to make sure that he knew that he was loved. There is no doubt in my mind that you did a good job of that. I was more just thinking about him, and as we’ve all been talking about, he is in a world of hurt right now. When someone is in a lot of pain they may revert back to old hurts, and I was thinking that this is what he could be doing now. Believe me, it’s in no way to even hint at you doing anything less than a stellar job of loving him! I feel your love, it is palpable. And I know this is deep for you both.

My doubts of his avoidance are simply based on your doubts of his being a “pure avoidant”, as we talked about. Like no one truly is and you’ve talked about all the affectionate things he did, and quite a few other things that made him not truly avoidant. It was not my intention to imply anything negative.

So at the end of the day, just know that I have the utmost respect for you always. You are a strong and powerful woman and I admire that. I am never in any way trying to assert that I’m right about anything, I’m just throwing out theories based on what I see and know about human nature. If something doesn’t feel right, throw it back in! You know wayyyyyy better than I do! My only goal ever is to help, and I’m sorry if my last message didn’t feel supportive.

Sending warmth thoughts,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes, glad to know that it was just a misunderstanding and Heidi wasn’t being avoidant with you too, Rebecca! 😀
And now we have the scoop direct from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. Not that you’re a horse Heidi! You’re an angel! And she does have amazing insight…

Now I may not be an avoidant but I know something about that kind of attachment style for sure and also I think we’re still not totally convinced he is one, so my perception is that he’s really really hurt.

I know that you say that you guys have always been respectful and caring to each other and while I do believe that, let’s be real now. You have a history of rejecting him from day one. There is a 3 decade history of him wanting to be with you, but never quite being good enough. And even if that wasn’t totally the case, I’m sure it often felt that way. And now that he finally had you, he may have been (probably unconsciously) just waiting for that other shoe to drop. He knows full well who you are, what you are, and he knows that you’re a catch. Has he ever really felt up to snuff with you?

None of this is your fault of course, you can’t help how awesome you are, but it’s something deeply inherent in your dynamic after all these years. Even the whole “I’m thinking of ending things” is a tactic and defense mechanism. Leave you before you leave him because he is just waiting for it. I’m sure he’s just jaded enough that the idea that the one person who he always has wanted comes out of her 30 year marriage and lives happily ever after with him is likely a crock of you know what in his mind. I mean, it IS pretty fantastical, and while I know that you and I can see it, A) it may not even be realistic, and B) can he?

So I’m thinking there’s a lot of that going on…

Care to agree or disagree?

[Coach Spyce]

Sounds great! Do you have an idea of what you might say and how you might approach him? Do you feel any anxiety about it at all, or do you feel pretty good that you can just ask him these things and get the response that you feel good about?

Do let us know how things are transpiring!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Maria,

So as I always say, there is a reason that an ex is an ex, and there are obviously ones here too. You say that “we had a history, fell out due to personal issues”, which to me sounds like it must be something pretty intense as you don’t want to let us know about it on this very private and anonymous forum. So to me, it sounds like something that you’re ashamed of, and that you may think that if we know we’d tell you to run for the hills, and you don’t want to hear us say that. And probably we would. Because as I said, there is a reason that an ex is an ex. And it sounds like a good one!
So if this is something who has messed up your life before, why then are you messing around with him, or wasting time?

Also, he is not random, and he knows you. If he wanted to make time for you, he would. It wouldn’t matter how busy he is. Keep your distance, keep your shield up, and back away from this loaded situation.

You can do what you please of course, and I’m sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I wouldn’t be in my own integrity if I didn’t tell you all of the red flags that I see.

Keep let me know your thoughts on this!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Chang,

Of course! Happy to help you get clarity on your love life. That is what we are here for!

What you should do now really depends on what you want, which you didn’t technically answer, but based on your other questions I am assuming I can glean the truth from. It appears that you don’t want to let this go, but I’m also curious as to why.
I understand that you’ve been friends for awhile, and so you have a connection that you don’t necessarily want to just release. But when it comes to a partner, does he actually have the things that you’re looking for? It sounds like he treats you well so that’s something, but what else? It’s just unclear to me if you actually really like this guy, or if it has become more of a challenge now or trying to get away from feeling rejected since he has said that he doesn’t like you in that way? Or has he just grown on you?

It’s not a matter of what he wants, as much as what you want.

You said: Should I treat him as friends and interact with him like normal? Or should I distant myself and reject him whenever he asks me out again?

My question is: what do you want? what is your desired outcome? Let’s say that you do want to continue at least something with him. and you’re at least curious as to what’s truly going on with him.

So my go to answer (because it works) is honest and clear communication. That’s it. If he’s already your friend, this shouldn’t be too hard. It also sounds like you’re not that afraid to tell him what you are feeling, because you did it already. He already knows that you have feelings for him and hasn’t run away, so what do you have to lose at this point? Really nothing…

So I’d just ask him very clearly anything that you want.
“Why do you want to keep spending so much time wooing me if you aren’t interested in being with me?”
“Why are you on dating apps if you don’t want to date? Do you just not want to date me? If so, why not?”
“If you don’t want to date me, why do you act like you do?”

He may not want to tell you anything more because he might feel like he will hurt tour feelings. And you have to be aware that the things that he might answer when questioned bluntly like that may be things that you don’t want to hear, things like that he doesn’t feel a spark. You can try to get him to go deeper into that by asking him to tell you more about that spark feeling and what it means for him, and just even these more intimate questions may make him see you in a different way, but when it comes down to it, you can’t actually make him do anything.

So that being said, I don’t think that you can make him want a relationship with me , but I do think that you can be more open with him, delve deeper into his desires and interests, and that can help bring you closer.
It sounds like he is the one who asks all the questions and steers the ship. That might be a big reason WHY he doesn’t feel the spark. Maybe he wants to be with someone who he feels like takes an interest in him.
I mean, he literally said “Then he kept asking me if I had any questions for him cause he said “if I’m rly into him, I would have lots of question based on his answer” but I didn’t want to ask cause I wanted to brush off the topic. He didn’t”.

Your answer is right there. If you want to trigger the spark, ASK HIM QUESTIONS!!
That’s what he wants. I gave you a bunch of good ones to start with.

Let us know how it goes!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi wendy,

It’s ok to be scared. It sounds like you’ve been badly hurt before in relationships and it’s difficult to trust again once that has happened. It also sounds like you don’t really trust yourself when it comes to choosing men or getting involved, so when you are in that place, it’s very difficult to not be afraid that things are going to go wrong.

Of course we can’t know for sure if he’s telling the truth or not about his ex, but at some point, you have to decide if you are going to trust him or not. If you are, then you need to believe in him, and the relationship. If not, then you have to let him go. It sounds like you’re putting yourself into a limbo position which is no fun for anyone…

I don’t think it’s a matter of you doing something spectacular to impress him to keep him with you. He keeps returning to you and is obviously interested in being with you. But if you want to keep this relationship going, you will have to start looking at your issues around trust.

Can you trust him? Can you trust anyone? Where do these issues come from?
The answers to these questions will help us determine how to move forward, and how to begin the healing process.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Maria,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your questions!
So I’m wondering, who is this guy friend? Is he a possible romantic partner? Is he available and/or interested in a relationship? Has he expressed to you this availability or interest? Is he a co-worker? How do you know him? Did you meet him on a dating app, through a friend, or just randomly somewhere?

At this point he is just some guy who you’ve been trying to make plans with and so he could be anyone. Unless we really know more about who this guy is and the nature of your relationship, it’s difficult to determine how to interact with him. And also, what do you want from him? Unless we know that, it’s hard to decide which direction to go in.

Let me know more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Chang,

welcome to the forum andthanks for sharing your story. It does sound very confusing as this person that you’re interacting with is giving all of the signs that he is interested in a relationship with you, but then his words just keep on expressing something different.

You were brave enough to let him know that you had feelings for him, and I can understand how it must have been a bit shocking when he said that he didn’t feel that way about you, when he is treating you as if he does. I mean, what man spends so much time courting a woman who he is only interested in as a friend? it just doesn’t make sense.

The feeling that I’m getting is that despite the fact that you say that he is a confident alpha man, there might be a part of him that feels unworthy of love and relationship. Maybe he sees you as someone who he would just hurt and disappoint. So it’s easier for him to just try for a relationship with someone new, as opposed to someone like you who he really cares about. That doesn’t make any sense to me, but it’s really the only thing that I could think of at this point.

I would either just drop it and move on, or if you really don’t want to, I would ask him why he keeps pursuing you if he doesn’t want a relationship with you? It’s just hurtful to keep leading you on…

Hope this helps!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Elizabeth,

Hello and welcome to the forum! Wow, what a dilemma! It sounds like you and this man are very close and because of your position in his family, he probably has never thought of you as a possible romantic partner. It sounds like you had other plans, but if he wasn’t in on those plans, you can’t expect him to now come around just because you want him to. You said that you confessed these feelings to him, and while

In terms of the new relationship, I’m not sure that you will be able to stop him from getting married if that’s what he’s intent on doing, especially now thayt he knows that you have ulterior motives.

I’m wondering what are the other reasons that you don’t want him to get married? And particularly to this woman? Having clarity on those could be the only leg that you have to stand on at this point.

Let us know so we can better assist you as to how to move forward!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like a very difficult situation to be in with someone who keeps on changing their mind, being all in, and then suddenly being all out. I’m sure it feels like you want to know what you can do better or differently so that you can be together. And what you want more than anything is to trust him that he will do what he says.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’d be remiss if I were to lie to you and not let you know that this has HUGE red flags written all over it.

First off, you have been off again/on again for over a year and many times during that time. So there are obvious problems inherent in the relationship as is because if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t have already had this history. So as soon as I hear that, I know that trusting this person is not really going to be very realistic.

But once you mentioned that he’s a recovering drug addict who is now actively using again, no matter how infrequently, all warning bells go off. You cannot trust someone in the throes of addiction. You absolutely can’t help him, fix him, change him, or trust him. He has to deal with that addiction and either get clean or not for himself, not for you or anyone else.

You can do whatever you like, but as someone who has much experience with relationships, my best advice would be to run, not walk, away. Delete his number, and move on! If not, you are setting yourself up for a world of pain and constant disappointment.

Sorry to have to tell you this, but hopefully in the long run it’s saving you from heartache!

xoxo
Spyce

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