[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kim,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry to hear that you are in this difficult situation! It’s so devastating to have so much time spent with someone, so much love for them too, and to be put in a situation where you’re constantly being betrayed. I really feel for you and hope that we can help you to get some clarity and do what’s going to be the best for you in this scenario.

Sounds like you have a long history with this man and that can always make it difficult to see the truth about someone. When you’ve known someone your entire life, as you’ve said, it’s tempting to want to believe in the idea of who you think they are or want them to be, rather than the reality of who they are showing up as.

But I have to say that I see quite a few red flags here…

He won’t talk about anything: Someone who refuses to communicate is not someone that is realistic to be in a healthy, adult relationship with. Life is full of ups and downs, and as humans we need to be able to have our partners there by our side in a caring and open way. Without that, what do you really have? This shows someone who is out of touch with themselves and emotionally immature. Not someone I would ever recommend to build an intimate relationship with.

He let his wife of 16 years and daughter go and he admits he was in the wrong.: While it’s admirable that he admits that he was in the wrong, unless he is determined to not repeat his mistake, then it’s obvious that he hasn’t learned his lesson, and will continue to do this again. And you said it yourself: He will not come and chase me, I know that.
Once again, this smacks of someone who is emotionally immature and not able to be a good partner.

Do I think he’s cheating? Absolutely. Someone that you described is in no way able to have a healthy relationship so it’s much easier to just chase down toxic exes and create drama. He doesn’t want to be with a woman like yourself who is actually willing to love him maturely, because then he would have to face his own demons, and look at the truth of who he is, what mistakes he’s made, and the pain he’s caused to himself and others.

This is not about you, and certainly no reflection of your worth as a woman who deserves love and partnership. he sounds very, very broken, and unless you are willing to stand by and let him break you along with him, I see nowhere to go with him but down and out.

So it’s up to you. Where do you want to go from here?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sheri,

Hope you’ve had a wonderful weekend! I want to say that I really commend you for your courage, your honesty, and your willingness to not only look at yourself, but to also take steps to make changes in yourself to get the things that you want in life. It may sound simple, but it’s not, and not everyone is so brave. So please remember that!

I’m glad that Heidi pointed out tantra to you, as that is a practice that does involve slowing down, tuning in, and taking the time to really be in the moment with your partner. I like what you said about marriage giving you the gift of that time, and it’s wise to be clear that you are investing in the right person with your time. Because when it comes down to it, time really is what we most have to give as humans.

It sounds like you do feel that he’s the right one, and that any hesitation is based on the lack of sexual activity in the current experience that you’re having. Is that accurate?

I don’t think that you have to change yourself, be more “feminine”, act more desirable, or do anything outlandish to get his attention. Because I am still very firm in my assumptions that he is going through something in his own sexuality, and there’s nothing that you can do one way or another to fix that, besides holding an open space for him to relax into.

I do agree with Heidi that there could be something physical going on, and if he’s open to it, having his hormone levels checked could help. There may not be much in Western medicine to help, but there are wonderful supplements and Chinese herbs that can do wonders for a man’s libido.

I don’t agree with Heidi though on any notion that he could be cheating. His actions do not see congruent to me with a man who is stepping out on his family, and wholly congruent of a man who has his own unchecked sexual trauma. As mentioned, I’ve worked with many people specifically in the realm of sexuality, and what you’re describing is not uncommon.That being said, I would strongly advise you mentioning anything like that to him at this time. An accusation when someone is having a trauma response can throw them over a dangerous edge.

So I’d go back to what I’ve been saying, which is can you open up a conversation with him to address this? Can you provide a safe space for him to talk about this, or can you set up a safe space where he can have the opportunity to open up about what he might be feeling? He may not feel like he can do that with you for many reasons. Fear of rejection, shame, loss of masculinity, etc. But it really seems that this is at the bottom of this.

In terms of the ex, I am unclear as to what you are referring to. So if you could please elaborate on your question in that realm, I’d appreciate it!

Hope you’re having a beautiful day!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

We haven’t heard from you in a bit so just wanted to check in and see how things are going! Met anyone interesting recently?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Sounds like you are doing a good deal of deeply personal work around your sexuality. Good for you! As a relationship coach, I worked primarily in sexuality for many years, and I strongly believe that it’s a very important part of our journeys as humans. It can show you so much about yourself and be extremely healing. I’m glad that you are taking the time to do this, even if your husband is not exactly joining you on the path. Whatever happens, you will be better for all of the work that you’ve done to become a more whole and erotic person. And it will keep you reminded of the incredibly sexy woman that you are, even if your husband is having a hard time connecting with you in that way.

I like how you mention that you may have subconsciously attracted your husband to give yourself an opportunity to work through some of your past trauma. It sounds like he feels very safe for you in many ways, which is so important.And we often do attract the people that have the lessons inside of them that will help us to learn more about who we are. It’s really good work!

You say that your goal right now is to be exchanging sexual intimacy with a lover that is mutually interested in giving and receiving.
That’s a beautiful goal, and I’m assuming that you want this with your husband as then you are asking how to inspire his hero instinct. But what I’m feeling from what you’ve told me is that this is not the right technique for him.
He already feels like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. The disconnect in your sexual life is due ro his own sexual trauma that he’s not facing. Trying to activate his hero instinct will only make him feel that much more inadequate and pressured. My advice would be to different approach.

1. Acknowledgement: have you ever talked about this concept of his sexual trauma and how that might be affecting him? Just opening up the conversation might help a lot.

2. Support: Right now it sounds like he really could use some of that. He might be feeling like it’s all just too much, and then to have to not only push through his sexual barriers but then to have to perform and satisfy you at the end of a long busy day might just feel like way too much. Instead of wanting him to be sexual with you, ask him what you can do to help him, and maybe not in a sexual realm.

3. Relaxation: People get turned on when their minds are not caught up too much in the mix of what’s happening. Can the two of you do something together that you enjoy and then see if things naturally come up?

I know that often people say to set up date nights, buy lingerie, talk about fantasies, or anything else that could stimulate the juices and bring back the spark. But I really think that there is a lot more going on here for your husband, and he needs to deal with the deeper things that are getting in the way of his sexuality, before he can be the lover that you want and need him to be.

Hope this helps!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I hope so too, not only for your sake, but for his too! Sounds like you are a really amazing person to have in one’s corner…Seems like he knows this though so I’d be surprised if he wasn’t able to make it out of the hole he might be in. He also seems like a strong guy in many ways.
I have hope for both of you!

All in all though, you really did the right thing in this situation, and I’ll always be endlessly proud of how well you stood up for yourself.

Please do let us know how things go! We’re invested in your success and happiness 🙂

Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Wow Rashanda!

What big and brave strides you are making, that’s wonderful! Was there anything in particular that encouraged you to make these changes? How are you feeling through this all? How is he responding to the changes?
Is he supportive, happy, or becoming more clingy?

These are all keys to what’s going on if he’s either not willing to communicate clearly, or unaware.

But the most important thing is how you are holding up.

Keep me posted 🙂
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Desiree,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like you’re a confident woman who knows what she wants and has no trouble making things happen in her life. You sound intelligent and aware, and I’m sure this man would be lucky to have you as his partner.

That being said, the slippery slope of the FWB scenario can be difficult to navigate as it does start the relationship with very specific guidelines in place, that almost always morph into something else. It can then be difficult to backpedal without it being an at best awkward situation. So I see your dilemma!

From what you’re saying, I am wondering if he is in the same boat. Wanting more, really having fallen for you, but afraid to express his feelings for a variety of reasons that all may end in rejection.

What I’m most curious about is how have his other relationships been like, from what you know? It very well could be that he hasn’t been forthright with you about the kinds of relationships he typically has. It sounds like he’s open about sex and having lots of friends. He’s into an industry that’s all about the body and being hot. You met him through a supposed hookup.
Do you know if he is a monogamous man? Because he sounds way more like a non monogamous one to me…

Hear me out! A non monogamous man, or someone who leans that way but may not know it yet, can be very able to express themselves deeply with you, be super into you and want to build a relationship with you, but that doesnt mean sexual exclusivity for them. And so I don’t know how you feel about that, but could that be a mismatch?

See the thing is, you got into an arrangement with him with no real convo or guidelines. You weren’t supposed to ask him questions about love or relationships, because you were only in it for the sex. Too much talk of love would make him think that you wanted love, right? So now even though you’ve spent a lot of time and have gotten pretty comfortable, you still may not really know much of the basics about him when it comes to romance. Is this true?

When someone is going out on a date, my typically advice is to be 1. very clear about what you want, and 2. be very open with whoever you’re out with about what that is. And to be fair, it sounds like you did that, but what you wanted at the time was not what you want now. Ah the age old tale of the slippery aloof hook up!

What can you do now? What you have to do is some sleuthing. You have to find out what he’s like in relationships. Not how it pertains to you per se, but in general. You have to learn about his relationship style, attachment style, his views on love, communication, commitment, and sexual exclusivity. It’s natural that you’ve caught feelings and from the sound of it, he has too. You are both human. But now you have to learn if you’re actually even compatible for a relationship.

You sound like a smart woman who has her wits about her, and so I’m sure this is a task that you can take on. Take more time getting to know him, and try to do it from an objective perspective. Don’t do it from the place of “I want him to like me”, do it from the place of “I want to get to know if I really like him“, and do our relationship styles meld. And if not, am I willing to change, or will I want him to change?

These are all questions that you can use to get more into the reality of how a relationship with him could be.
If you find out that you definitely do want to proceed, then we can talk about how to approach it. But I get the feeling that due to the way you met, you may not know as much about him in the relationship world as you should and could. And once you do, it will become more apparent where to go with this one.

Try it out and let me know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

It seems like right now he’s placating you because while he might truly want the separation, he is also likely scared. Sounds like you’ve been each other’s main support (and certainly you to him) for many years now. He is just now getting his life together, and so while he wants to be courageous and step out on his own, he still wants to use your support as a crutch.
So he figures if he keeps being friendly to you and doesn’t talk too much about the seperation, he can get everything that he wants. Which is you there as his friend, and as his support, but still have the freedom to not have to be a husband.
And you of course don’t want to ask him too much about what he’s feeling because if pushed, he will probably go back to what he’s been saying, that he wants a separation, and that the romantic marital feelings are just not what he wants anymore. It seems like this is all just part of his trying to amicably separate, while still having you in his life to support him.

What it comes down to really then, is how you feel about all of this. If you are ok with whatever happens as long as you get to be in his life, then keep going on as you are. However, it sounds like it’s weighing on you and just throwing you into a state of confusion where you’re misinterpreting his including oyu in everything as a sign that he wants to be back together with you as a husband, when unfortunately, I don’t think he does….

So to your questions:
Is it possible this is a legit change in direction?
Unfortunately I just don’t think so. If it was, you’d know.

should I just stay the course of working on an exit strategy?
Unfortunately yes. Whether or not you can remain friends with him or if you have any kind of future together, it’s important that you start to get clear and strong in yourself, and really start to imagine your world without him in it as a partner.

I just would hate for you to feel blindsided and unprepared….

Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sheri,

I’m so glad to hear that my response was helpful! It does seem really apparent that there is a lot of his own personal issues with sexuality wrapped up in this, and knowing where the root of the issue comes from can be really helpful in working through it. Of course at the beginning it’s easier to hide sexual disconnection because you’re so excited about the newness of it all, but once all of those pressures of life come into play, it’s no surprise that this has reared its ugly head.

It does affect you though, and I’m sure that’s a hardship in and of itself. It can be very painful to not feel sexually desired by your partner that you are attracted to and want to have that connection with, so I did just want to alert you to what I was seeing in this situation. I don’t want you to feel that this is on you, or your desirability, or that it’s something that you’re doing or not doing. Of course it takes two to titillate, so I’m sure that there are definitely things to do on your part as well, but maybe knowing that he is going through his own sexual trauma, and that this could be a pattern and well worn trigger of his, helps.

I’m sorry to hear that you have your own history of sexual trauma, and I commend you for being open about it, as well as being willing to work on it. Also kudos on getting yourself out of a toxic relationship and into one that sounds really loving and supportive, even if there is this sexual issue.

I want you to have hope that it can change, as I do believe that it can, as long as both of you are willing to be open and honest with each other, and yourselves.

I’m curious how that process has been going for you thus far, so I’m wondering if you can tell me more about this statement:
The positive is that I have learned alot about my sexuality which has been freeing, frustrating, and at times lonely as hell. The hardest part is feeling like I trained him to ignore me sexually.

That sentence sounds like you’re taking responsibility for possibly more than your part, which is what I don’t want you to do. You need to empower him to make the necessary changes to feel good in his sexuality, not try to take on the work.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

That is an awesome letter. I will keep saying it, he’s one lucky guy. Scratch that, he’s a special guy. Because I know he has done a lot for you as well that you appreciate and want to acknowledge.

Yes you guys have had a really long connection, that has morphed and grown over the years, but has always stayed respectful and supportive. Life is short, and there’s always a reason to reach out and lay it on the line with someone that you care about. And hopefully they respond in kind.

I just did that with an old friend that I care about deeply. I did have to be vulnerable, as well as remind them of their vulnerabilities too, just like you did in this letter to Joey. But now we are back in touch. Slightly different situation, but I do hope that you get the same outcome.

But knowing you, you will be fine regardless of what happens, and I saw that you pointed that out in your letter. You had just the right mix of acceptance and openness to him, with courage and personal determination.

It’s a beautiful letter and no matter what happens, just knowing that you wrote it is a heartwarming thing…

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

That’s great! it sounds like you have a good guy there who is willing to accomodate you and do what you like. And maybe you both like the same things. That’s great!

Maybe you’re not as bad at relationships as you think 🙂

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sheri,

I’m so sorry that things are painful in this way. I fully understand how invigorating it is to have amazing sex with someone you love, and how bonding that is with a married partner. It deeply hurts when it’s not there, especially when you have so much love and good experiences together, and then in that one very intrinsic realm it’s not happening.

But I want you to know that you are not alone. So many married couples have these issues for a variety of reasons, and there is hope. As long as we are here on this earth, change is possible, and growth never loses its potential.
So I have faith that if something was once there, it can return again!

That being said, from what you’re saying it sounds like your husband has some trauma around his sexuality. He feels like sex is pressure for him to perform, to satisfy you, to take the lead in another arena of your hectic life, which he may already be overwhelmed with as the butcher, the baker, and all the other things he does. If he’s felt for a long while that you require more sexual activity than he does, he may be resentful of that a bit, as you wanted more indicates (to him, even if you’re not reacting in this way) that he is not enough, and doesn’t satisfy you.

If he has a light libido (which can also be a medical/hormonal thing that supplements can help with), this may have been an ongoing issue for him in other relationships as well. So the idea of sex at this point just makes him feel inadequate, tired, and definitely not horny. Because the best way to be horny is to be in the moment. That’s what sex is really all about, chasing that feeling, and if you’re so deep in your head because of all these past hangups, you will never be able to just relax and enjoy the sensations, and then let your body’s natural chemicals kick in, and let nature take its course.

Have to have you ever discussed this with a counselor or between the two of you?

There could be a lot there, that has little to nothing to do with you….

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

It sounds like your husband is a genuinely nice guy who loves and cares about you. But, maybe he feels like he married too young and didn’t get to experience as much of life as he wanted to. Around your 40s, it’s common to look back on your life and feel that time has passed you by, and that if you don’t do something that you’ve always wanted, before you know it, it will not have gotten done. That’s very likely what he is going thru.

It’s so difficult when someone changes what they want in life, and that decision doesn’t include you with them. I’m really sorry that you’re experiencing this.

I do have to be honest with you though as I don’t want to waste your time by not giving it to you straight, you are going to have to learn how to let go, or else it may get ugly.

Here’s the thing…he’s been telling you in as nice a way as possible, clearly and consistently for a few years now, that he wants to not be married. It’s not that you’re a bad person or that he doesn’t care about you, but he needst o do things for his own life. If he stays with you, he’s going to become more and more resentful, and that won’t be good for anyone.
You have to be able to at least start the process of how it would feel to move on from him as your husband.

I understand that it’s confusing as he still wants to be close to you in certain ways and does all these nice things, but it’s because he’s a nice guy, he still genuinely likes you, and he’s used to having you around. He doesn’t want to hurt you, so it sounds like he’s trying to not be a jerk, and change your relationship amicably.

Do you feel like his communication is not clear with you about expressing his wants and needs?
What do you think you will be able to do to start to listen to what he’s saying?

xoox
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

It does sound like he is not ready for a relationship right now, and if that’s the case, trying to be in one with him is only going to end up in mismatched desires and hurt feelings. So you’re doing the right thing by being casual about it/him right now.

I also understand that it’s been the pandemic, and it’s hard to date and even get out of the house, especially when working from home. Of course it’s been difficult to meet anyone so this guy from your past might have felt like a fun distraction. But oftentimes the reason it keeps not working out with someone is that it’s just not meant to be, and that it wouldn’t actually be good anyway. So if it doesn’t pan out with him, don;’t let it get you too down. Just keep focusing on the things that are important to you and I’m sure you will start having opportunities to meet someone.

How do things go for you on dating apps?

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sheri,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for telling us about your situation! It sounds difficult as on one hand, it appears that you and your husband are very happy and fulfilled in most ways, except for when it comes to the sexual aspect.
With kids, jobs, dealing with daily life and all that goes into it, it can be very difficult to make the time and space to “get sexy”, especially if there are layers of issues that need to be moved away before you can even get started. But it’s great that you are reaching out for help, as that’s the first step!

You say, “Our sex life has been much been nonexistent in our 4 year marriage.” I’m wondering how your sex life wass before you got married, and when you were first together….was there ever a time when you connected on a deep and exciting level sexually, or have things always been a bit dull or misaligned in that arena?

I’m also curious to know more about where the disconnect comes from. Sexuality is a tricky thing, and determining what turns us on can be a lifelong process. Do either one of you have a very clear idea of what you want and what excites you? You listed that as one of the very first things that your husband is unhappy about. He says that you don’t know what you want. Do you? That kind of confusion can feel very difficult for men to navigate, as they are often having to be the one in control, or initiating. If they are unclear as to what their partner wants, they may shut down unless they have a strong will of their own, which is another arena where it sounds like your husband is struggling….

There’s a lot to unpack here, but this is a great start to the conversation that will allow us to start to get an understanding of your situation.

Looking forward to hearing more,
xoxo
Spyce

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