[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rosario,

How are things going? Were you able to have a deeper conversation with your partner?

I like what Heidi talked about with encouraging him to talk more about his fears, and you expressing yours as well. That’s an important part of building trust, which is important that you have, and it sounds like has been some of the issues between the two of you. This kind of honest conversation will build trust, as will all kinds of open communication. When you know that you can say something to someone and they don’t run away, it makes you feel that much more comfortable and safe to keep sharing.
And if they DO run away…well as sad as it may feel, at least you have your answer and can move on. Living in limbo is very painful, and something that no one wants to do for that long.

Keep us posted on how it’s going. We would love for you to get the clarity you need and deserve soon, so you can determine how to move forward in your life in the best way possible.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Roxanna,

Hope you’ve had a good weekend! It sounds like you have some good boundaries set up with this situation, and you know what you are willing to handle, and what you won’t. That is so important in a situation like this.
You don’t want to wait around for someone else (a 3rd party even!) to decide what’s happening in your life, and as long as you are willing to make changes at a point when it no longer works for you, I think you are in the clear.

In some ways, I think that having this unrealistic option in the mix could have it’s benefits. Hear me out! Because he is “unavailable” there is a lack of pressure that many times make men run from a good thing. But in this scenario, he feels comfortable to just be himself with you, and not feel like he’s getting “roped into a relationship”, so if he’s in touch with his feelings, he just may fall in love with you by accident!
Don’t quote me on that, but I do tend to be a good judge of human nature…

Either way, it sounds like right now you are having a wonderful time, and you are strong and wise enough to keep your heart in check for a bit while you see what plays out. Good for you!

In terms of what the other member of the forum shared about her experience, feel free to take from that what you will, although it’s obvious a totally different person! We all have similarities in our stories as we are all human, but there is so much nuance in life and love, you can never really know until you get the whole picture.

Let us know how it’s going!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Shannon,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for reaching out! What you’re going through is very painful and I’m sorry to hear of it. It’s so difficult to love someone and feel like you caused them to not love you back anymore because of something that you did.

I do want you to know, that while I know very little of the situation, I do want to say that you do have a right to have your needs validated and heard, and if he wasn’t able to be there for you and with you, that’s a shame. But it’s also not fair to blame yourself for “pushing him away” or “draining” him.

In order for us to be more helpful, can you share more? How long have you been together? How long have you been apart? What else can you tell us so we can support more effectively?

Look forward to hearing back from you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Roxanna,

Welcome to the forum and thanks so much for sharing your story!

And wow, what a story! It’s so difficult when things are out of your control, and not even in the hands of the person that you are connecting with, but rather the power is given to a third person, who may or may not even be interested. It’s such a case of misplaced power!

We know a few things about him: it takes time for him to get to know someone, BUT he will also move quickly in that process if he follows his passion. It sounds like he’s a deep thinker, but also impulsive.

He has something very specific wrapped up in his feelings for this other woman, as he’s petrified to even have a discussion with her, likely because (he’s afraid at the very least that) she would say no. In all reality, it’s highly unlikely that she is interested, and it sounds like she already said that without being too clear about it, probably because she doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of a life-long friend. But she basically already said no.

So it all depends on how long is he willing to wait and be unhappy pining away for someone who doesn’t want him like that, and is he willing to miss out on something really wonderful with someone who he could actually have a real relationship with. That brings up the question then too, of is he ready, willing, and able to have a relationship, outside of this issue with him wanting someone else?

Yes, you can enjoy the relationship and see how things morph and change as you get to know each other, or you can decide that it’s not something that you want to wait around for.

At this point, which way are you leaning more to?

Looking forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Melinda!

Thanks for sharing your story! I really enjoyed reading your thoughts as you are very articulate, and you absolutely sound mature and wise beyond your years. You seem in touch with your emotions, and it sounds like you would be a nice person to be close to. From reading through this, I don’t think the problem is that at all!

It’s clear that he genuinely likes you, and it does sound like the two of you are compatible in many ways, except…while you are in touch with your emotions and like to share them as part of your love language, he has a much more difficult time doing that. Not surprising! Unfortunately men are not as readily taught to be in touch with their emotions, for a variety of reasons. And so when something big and hard is going on for them, they don’t want to burden others with this information, especially someone who he likes.

But I agree that it could be the religious aspect that is messing things up for him. If he has a vow of chastity until marriage, he may now not feel like he can be with you because he broke that vow with you. That is not on you, as you are not beholden to the religious beliefs he has, but it may explain the twisting confusion that is going on in his head. Also as he is new to this religion, he’s obviously trying to figure out how it fits into his life, and that can create much interpersonal uncertainty. So it sounds like he has a lot to figure out in himself right now…

The question is…how are you feeling about all of this. You said that you are “trying to get over him”. How are you doing that, and how is that going?

This is a difficult situation that has nothing to do with you, and I want to make sure that you are feeling good within yourself throughout the process. Let us know!

xoox
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rosario,

I’d like to continue my original line of questioning, that it sounds like Heidi mentioned as well.

You keep talking so much about what he wants and needs, and it still feels like you are on the sidelines. It feels like we are all ceterning to what he’s wanting, and I’m more interested in knowing what you want.

I’m not feeling the passion, the interest, the excitement, the chemistry. It just feels like a business arrangement to me. Like he is your mentor, but not necessarily your lover and your equal. I feel like you are deferrant to him…maybe that’s because he’s financially responsible for everything? You;ve said that maybe that arrangement is pushing him away and maybe it is. Is there a reason why you can’t contribute something? i would think doing so could make you both feel better.

So to get back to the original point, and that’s you. What do you want? You say that you “thought” you wanted a life with him. Is that a reality? And is the life you want possible with him?

All things to consider!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Caroline,

Thanks for sharing your story! You can make your own thread if you want, or we can chat here.

It’s always super exciting when someone from the past resurfaces, especially someone that we knew when we were young. I can understand getting really pumped and having things move very quickly, to being in touch all day everyday from the start.

It’s so fun and nostalgic to wish that you had done so much differently in your life, including being with the girl you liked since you were a kid. Especially when you’re traveling and/or away from home, and especially when you’re divorced and looking back over all the things you’re unhappy about in the past.
So of course he likes you, but there is very little information that we have about him at this moment.

I am more concerned with you…where are you in your life? What do you want? What have your relationships been like in the past?

You sound very eager to be with this guy, despite oh so many red flags. Can you tell me a bit more about your relationships, how things have been going, and how you are in the world?

All of this is great info that will help us determine how best to move forward.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Myo,

I’m glad to see that you and Heidi have been making some great progress in your communications with this potential partner. Any new developments? Did you send the letter?

It’s definitely great to talk about your own experiences, and then hopefully that makes the other person realize that they may be having a similar trigger as well. Perhaps your letter can help him to realize his own insecurities, and that with the support from each other, you can both learn and grow together. I hope that happens!

I do want to acknowledge though that it’s not bad or wrong of you to not want to rush into making plans with someone as you’re getting to know them. As a matter of fact, many of us could call that kind of behaviour a red flag. Because when you don’t really know someone and you are making all of these future plans, you are really making plans with a fantasy or who you think this person is and is going to be, not the actual reality of the person as you don’t know them yet. So it’s not at all unreasonable that you would have trepidation about making plans with someone so early on, and there was absolutely nothing at all out of the ordinary with you letting him know that you wanted your own space on a vacati0on. To be fair, he not being able to handle that and then needing a break from the relationship to process says way more about him and his maturity level than it does about you.

That being said, i think it’s important to point out that while you are very excited about getting to know him and seeing him as this ultimate and amazing man, how much do you really know about him? As mentioned, so much of the first few months of a relationship are mostly based in projection and fantasy. That’s why they call it the honeymoon phase, because you are usually just seeing someone’s best behaviour. That’s why Heidi talks about dating people at their worst. If you can see what they are like when they are stressed, angry, triggered, etc and still feel like you want to be with them, that’s a good sign.

To me, it’s a bit of a red flag that this supposedly emotionally mature and communicative man who likes you so much and is looking for this big love, is so ready to give up at the first sign of discomfort. I also am not happy with how he did it. It basically is setting up a scenario where you’re in the wrong, you didn’t do enough, and now you have to try and “win him back”. Something is fishy here to me…

These are all things that I’d really examine before you go too deeply into this. Does he meet your non-negotiables? is he exactly what you want? How well do you even know hum to know that for sure?

In terms of non-negotiables, if they are the right ones, you don’t need more than 5, but 10 is a good middle ground. So working more on those and then really determining where he lies within all of that could be a good place to start from.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rosario,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story! It sounds like there are many moving parts here and I can understand that it’s confusing. It sounds like the man that you’ve been with is unclear about what he wants, and that’s pulling you around in different directions, trying to determine what he’s after so that you can coincide your feelings with him.

So my first question for you would be just that. What do you want?

It also sounds like you’re really taking responsibility for keeping him happy, and helping him navigate his emotions, and maybe he is helping you financially? But then you also mention that you have a job but it’s stressing you both out. Why exactly? How does your job affect him?

You seem like a kind person who is very caring of him, and it seems like he’s also offered you a lot of support, so perhaps there is some codependency happening between the two of you?

I’d like you to seperate how you two can help each other, and let’s focus on what you actually want and are looking for in a relationship.

Can you tell me more about that?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kimberly,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story with such courage! It sounds like you’ve endured some very difficult situations and I’m so sorry to hear that you have dealt with domestic abuse in your past. That can be very hard to heal from, and you deserve to give yourself whatever time and space you need to be single or not be with anyone.

I also want to say that I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now with this new guy. It sounds like he did the typical guy thing of seeing someone who was in a vulnerable space and then doing everything in his power to make them feel like they could be safe with him. He may not even consciously know that he was doing this, and he obviously wanted to feel like the hero as he was also going through a breakup and maybe not feeling so great about his relationship life either.

I want to know more about what you like about this man. You started off by saying that you weren’t interested in him and that you weren’t attracted to him. Oftentimes in the beginning of a situation, before our feelings are involved, it’s easier for us to determine if someone really is for us or not.
So I’m curious, what changed? Is it just because you started sleeping together, or was there something that happened before you started sleeping together that made you feel “a very strong connection to him”, as you put it?

Because the real thing to determine before you try and start fighting for this man is if you really want to be with this particular man at all, or are you settling for him because he was there and you’ve been lonely?

Is he really a caring and attentive partner who cares about you and will treat you well, or was that just part of the ruse to get you interested and feed his own bruised ego?

These are important things to figure out before making the effort to “win him back”.

Let me know your thoughts 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sheri,

So sorry to hear that this is affecting your health, mental AND physical! Hopefully you can get the opportunity to relax and this can become more of a fun inquiry, or gentle curiosity, as opposed to the end of your marriage if you don’t figure it all exactly out in a specific timeframe.

It sounds like you are a very strong person, who is very goal oriented. You are used to having an idea, and then taking the steps necessary to put that idea into action and achieve your desired outcome. That is a wonderfully admirable quality and one I’d say that I share. However, strong and innovative women like us can put much undue pressure on ourselves to ensure that things go the way that we are intending them to, and if they don’t…well we become very disappointed in ourselves and that’s never a good thing.

Something I’ve had to learn time and again is that there are certain things that you can’t control, and that you can’t change, no matter how great of a plan you might have, or how well you can do the work that needs to be done. Because sometimes, it’s not actually our work that can change things, or our plan that needs to be adhered to in order to have the outcome we are hoping for. Sometimes we need to allow other people to come to realizations on their own, and to make the changes that THEY need to make, in their time. This can be very frustrating though, as well as disheartening and depressing, so I feel you on what you’re going through right now and I wish for you that you can have trust in the process.

I’d also recommend employing this trust as you move into navigating this situation with your husband. There may be many thoughts and feelings that will be triggered in both of you as you decide to go deeper with discovering what’s in the way of you having that amazing sex life you once had, and I want to make sure that you’re mentally and emotionally prepared for it. Having the access here to Heidi and I is a great step, but also having that internal strength and confidence inside of you is even more important. You need to remember as you ask him to open up to you, that if you are going to be able to provide him a safe space to be open to you, you need to be resourced within yourself enough to take what he’s saying with curiosity, and know that it’s in no way a reflection of you and your connection to each other. You have to have that deep trust in your relationship, and that things will improve with open communication.
Do you think that you can do that?

In terms of the letter that you’ve been working on, I think it’s great for you to have a place to express your sadness, fear, and loneliness, but that this point, I’d keep that information between us, and/or if you have some friends that you trust, or another counselor. I will reiterate that I think he’s going through a plethora of his own sexual shame that came along way before you did, and your upset about the current situation will only exacerbate that shame he’s already feeling.

So while I agree with Heidi that opening up a lighthearted conversation with him to just discuss likes and dislikes is a good way to begin, I do feel like that’s just the very tip of the iceberg. I’d really like to see you discussing with him on a deeper level, what is going on for him within himself, that he doesn’t feel sexy, or that he doesn’t want to initiate, etc. And if he says, “well you…”, you need to be able to stop him and say, “this is not about me right now, or even us. This is about you. I’m here for you.”

Does this feel like something that you can do or is there something getting in the way of this?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Sheri,

We haven’t heard from you in a bit so I just wanted to drop a line and see how things are going? Of course I can appreciate that you are super busy. Sounds like you have a lot going on with kids and running a business. It can be a LOT! Which is another thing that we all know dampens the libido…just saying!

Have you been able to broach the subject at all with your husband to see if he’s willing to be open with you about his sexual past?

There is not only a lot of vulnerability there, especially for a man, I also wonder if he’s cautious about hurting your feelings, or making you jealous. After all, talking about past sexual experiences that happened before you knew each other obviously happened with other people. Would you be ok hearing about those experiences? Just something to keep in mind and to be prepared for if you decide to bring up this tender situation.

Hope all is well!
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kim,

I just wanted to check in on you as I know that my response may have been difficult to digest, and if that’s the case, I do apologize.

I do not have a crystal ball and am always in favor of being wrong, but if you ask me to respond based on what I know about human nature and relationships, and based on my experience being a relationship coach, I do always err on the side of complete and blatant honesty.

I know this is not always what you may want to hear, as I understand that you’d like to save your relationship. So if you’d prefer to focus on that idea, we can talk about that too.

Just let me know how you are feeling and how you’d like to move forward. We are here to support you in being fulfilled and happy in your relationships, above all!

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Myo,

First off, it sounds like you have a really good sense of your feelings, and even where they come from, so I want to congratulate you on that and say good work!
It also sounds like you are excited about the potential with this new partner, but do want things to move a bit slower, and that is more than totally fine!

The reality is that you can have it all, and it’s really just about how you express it, which is what I understand that you are asking.

So if you don’t want to go on the vacation with him just yet, what Heidi suggested saying is great. Just let him know that you appreciate the offer but aren’t there yet,

If you DO want to go on the vacation and your only concern is that you want to have separate spaces, just let him know that. And as Heidi mentioned, when asserting a boundary it’s important to be clear that this is about your wants and needs, and that it’s not something that the other person has done wrong.

That being said, I think what you were thinking of saying is perfect: I am excited to go on vacation with you, and here are my wants and needs to feel comfortable on that vacation.

Is there anything about this statement that gives you pause? Are you concerned with his response, or that you won’t know what to say afterwards?

To me, you sound like you actually might know, and are just feeling a bit scared. But I’d like to encourage you to express yourself and what will make you feel good in a clear and concise way.

Do you think that you can do that?

Best wishes,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Desiree,

Just checking in! How are things going with your FWB sitation? Were you able to find out anything more about what he is looking and available for?

Spyce

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