[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ispsita,

Well it definitely sounds like there is more going on here because it doesn’t take 3-4 years to find out if you’re compatible with someone! It sounds like he gets with women and knows pretty early on that they are not for him, but then his pattern is to not be clear with them, and to instead pick fights so he can say that it’s not working, they are not compatible, etc etc. But there is definitely something going on within himself that he is not looking to face.

It’s also an interesting red flag that he has had so many long distance relationships and so few that have been in person, or rather in real life. They may have been going on for years, but it just doesn’t sound like these are real relationships. It’s easy to “be with” someone when they are not in your actual life, and you can hang up the phone or shut down the computer when you get upset or feel triggered. But in order to have a healthy and sustainable relationship you need to be willing to f=go through the ups and downs of life together, and make it through all of those rough patches intact. If you can’t that’s a good indication that the relationship doesn’t work and it’s time to make some changes or move on. If you’re rarely in actual real life with someone, how can you know any of this? So to me, he seems extremely inexperienced in actually having relationships.

It’s admirable that you want to show him how nice a real relationship can be, and if he is open to that, then please do go for it. Your plan of really listening to him is a decent one, but I also think it’s important that you stay true to yourself as well. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes the only way for someone to appreciate what they have is to understand what it would be like to lose that, and it sounds like in this situation, you may need to show him that. It seems like he is used to having the upper hand with women, and because of the long distance thing, when the break up happens, it doesn’t really impact him enough in his daily life. Having someone wonderful like you around who brings so much to his everyday existence who then makes the strong choice to leave might be just the thing that he needs to shock him into realizing what he has, and that he has to bring more to the table if he wants to keep it.

I understand that you don’t want to give him an ultimatum just yet, but it’s very important that you stand up for what you want and need here, and be willing to walk away, even just for a little while, if he’s not going to make the necessary changes to make you happy.
Women are always asking us how to make a man change, and while there is no real way to make him change, you can inspire him to change through your actions and what you’re willing to allow.

This might be the only way that he will fully understand the true magic that you bring to the relationship. It doesn’t have to be a final ultimatum, but it’s ok to let him miss you a little.

Let me know how this feels to you!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Yes cool girl, I see you! I got the feeling from some of what you were saying that you may have a hard time being vulnerable with men and telling them your true feelings. As a historically “cool girl” myself, I totally understand. It’s great that you recognize that in yourself, as admittance is the first step in changing a behaviour. Do you know where it comes from? Looking back as to when was the first time that you either exhibited that behaviour in yourself, and/or witnessed it in others is a key to understanding its origins.

If you want to be in a successful and healthy relationship with someone, you are going to have to let them in. You have to let them see you, warts and all, and give them the opportunity to either step up to the plate and play ball, or to slink off into the bleachers. And if they do slink off, you have to keep reminding yourself that the issue isn’t you, it’s them. If you can have the courage to be your true self, that’s admirable in and of itself, and something that a person worth attracting will appreciate.

It sounds like you are a strong woman who is used to taking care of yourself. It’s difficult to allow someone else in because there’s always the fear that they won’t have the ability to go the distance, and then it will be another proof that you are too much for anyone, or that you’re not enough to inspire them to live up to the potential that you know that they have. I used to do this myself. The moment I met a man that I was attracted to i would start to test him. when I really started to like him, I would confront him with some of my worst behaviour to see if he could handle it, or if he’d run away. To be honest, that wasn’t the best course of action because I wound up looking like crazy instead of just the intense and deep person that I am. So figuring out how to show up with your nasty bits exposed (and I don’t mean those nasty bits!) can be a slippery journey.

So that’s what I’d recommend. You don’t have to go postal on him, but you do want to give him a chance to be the man, be the hero, and step up to the plate for you. You do need to let your guard down a bit and be vulnerable, and see if he can take care of you. After all, that’s what you want in a partner, right? Not just someone for you to care for, but someone who can do the same for you.

I’d definitely recommend letting him know about your accident and seeing how he responds. If he wants to help you, let him. Don’t shrug it off as that doesn’t come across as strong, it just comes across as disinterested. if he is truly as desirous of you as you are of him, he wants to be be there for you. So at least give him a chance…

Let us know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jessica,

Welcome to the forum! First off, congrats on being a powerful and growing business owner and social media influencer! I’m sure that you are an inspiration to many, and a beacon of enthusiasm for all that you serve. Kudos!

I will say, and I’m sure that you know, that creating any connection online has its challenges. There is so much noise in the online world and you need to constantly be doing something to keep you top of mind. This is true when building your online business, and since business building is primarily about offering value, building relationships, and being consistent, it would make sense that the same premise would hold true for any connection that you’re trying to cultivate online. So using those same tactics to nurture this budding relationship would be the best way to go about it.

The other thing to point out is that since you do not know him personally, and you’re not meeting him under a dating scenario, it’s impossible to know what his real life situation is like. People show you who they want to see online, and so do you have any idea what his romantic availability is? Is he happily married, in a long distance relationship, separated and in mourning, single and aware of his bad taste in women so taking a break from the dating scene? Does he have 5 kids that he’s trying to support? Is he widowed recently? Is he non-monogamous and has 3 girlfriends?
Until you know these things, concerning yourself with how to engage with him is putting the cart way before the horse.

So my suggestion would be to use your marketing skills that I’m sure you already excel in, and nurture the relationship. Use this as an opportunity to find out more about him personally. Figure out who he is, his life situation, his hopes and dreams. Get to know him as a friend, even though you say that you don’t want any friends, so that you can assess if he’s even available for anything more.

Does that sound like a workable plan?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhiannon,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It’s definitely a heartbreaking thing when you open yourself up to someone, and they do the same, but due to life and it’s intricacies, the relationship keeps breaking down.
It sounds like you had an instant connection and chemistry with this man, and that can feel very special and especially heady. It’s all very exciting and intoxicating and can cause us to do things that we wouldn’t normally do, or react in ways that are out of character with who we are. ​

In this situation, it sounds like you dove in very quickly with this man, giving him your heart and soul before you really knew much about who he is. On the surface you saw an attractive and successful man, and you bought into that story before really diving deep. It’s ok, and it’s nothing to blame yourself for. He obviously did the same in many ways, and it’s so natural to go there.

But as I’m sure you realize, there are so many aspects of life that are debilitating and get in the way of us having what we want. So even though he, just as much as you, may want to throw caution to the wind and lose himself in a relationship with you, there are some very clear extenuating circumstances that are making that unrealistic and just not feasible. He has issues and stress with business, family, and his own personal physical and mental health. I’m sorry to say, but that doesn’t sound like someone who is a good candidate for a healthy relationship…

So the question is, how to move forward. What do you want to do? What outcome do you want? And then, what do you think is realistic?

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hello Ipsita,

Thanks for your message and welcome to the forum! It sounds like you have many of the elements that one could want to have a really nice relationship with this man. You obviously care for him, and it sounds like he cares about you. Having this other woman in the situation is an issue, but I have to tell you, she is not the issue. The issue is him.

He is the hub in this situation and is the one creating all of the stress and drama by not being clear. You say that he is being rude to her in order to get her to break up with him, and that’s extremely immature and manipulative. If he doesn’t want to be with her, he needs to tell her. If she doesn’t live close by, and they don’t have a real in person relationship, and on top of that he has a real life one with you, what exactly does he want from her? To be honest, she sounds like many of the women who write into our forum, and I would certainly give her the advice to move on from him.

As for you, since you actually have an in person, real life relationship with him, it’s not so simple. But it sounds too much like you are letting this man be in charge of every aspect of this situation and that’s not respectful to you.

Your question was: Should I let go or wait?
My question is: What are you waiting for? What do you think will happen? When will it happen? How long will you wait?

It doesn’t sound like he is making any changes on his own, and he won’t until he is faced with the consequences of his lack of ability to be clear about what he wants, and to move forward in a healthy direction.
So you can keep waiting and see if anything magically becomes different, or you can make the changes that you’re capable of making in the situation and see how he reacts.

Do you feel like this is something that you can do? If so, what changes do you think that you could make?
If not, why not?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Charleen,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. What a history you have with this man, full of ups and down, connections and disconnections, struggles and intimacy. It sounds heartbreaking, and quite frankly, exhausting. It’s very difficult to never know where you stand with someone, and always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s really no way to live, is it?

Usually, the dynamic that you set up in the beginning with someone is the dynamic that continues throughout the relationship, unless both people really make an effort to change how things are going. WIth this man though, it doesn’t sound like he is aware of what he is doing, and if you are continue to go back to him each time, you are allowing the behaviour to continue.
Of course it’s difficult when you really want to be with someone so you will take whatever they offer, but then what they offer winds up becoming less and less, because hthey know, that you will always be tehre, ready for any morsel that they throw your way.

He comes to you when he’s sad, or going through a breakup, or in a health scare crisis, because he knows that you care for him and will make him feel better when he’s in a bad space. But then once he’s feeling goodf again, he’s off to somewhere else.

So to your question: What do I text him or say to him to get him to realize this and get him back??

My question to you is this: Is that what you really want? Do you think that he will one day just decide that you’re the one? Do you think that he has the capacity to change, and/or the desire?

These are the real questions that must be answered before determining how to move forward…

I do want to remind you to care for yourself though. It sounds like you are a very loving person to others, but have you been turning any of that love back on yourself? That’s an important piece of all of this, as no one can fully love you unless you love yourself.

There’s a lot going on here, let’s keep the conversation going,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

So I think a good place to start is the love languages. They are a great key into determining what really makes you feel cared for in a relationship. For example, for someone people it’s words of affirmation, but for you, it doesn’t sound like those words mean much if there aren’t specific actions accompanying them.

I’m guessing that one of your love languages is quality time. Would you say that’s true? If it is, it makes sense that this situation you’re in triggers you to feel unloved, as time is one of the main things that he has been unable to give so far.

Being that he is someone who is open with his feelings, there is no reason then that you shouldn’t be open with yours. Typically like attracts like, and he will likely feel closer to you if you are able to be honest with him about the lack of fulfillment that you’re feeling.

Like I mentioned, make it less about what he’s doing wrong, and how he’s not showing up for you, and more about what you want and need in order to feel loved.

For example, saying: I feel uncared for when you don’t make specific plans with me, vs You don’t care about me enough to make me a priority.

See what I mean? In the second statement you are making assumptions about how he feels, but in the first statement, you are only speaking your truth.

I understand the fear that if you rock the boat he will just jump ship, and maybe he will. But we can also have a little bit of faith in his feelings for you, and believe that he does truly want to make this work. And to be fair, if he doesn’t know how this is affecting you, how can he do anything to compromise and make you happy?

So yes, having the courage to face your fear, be clear with your emotions and speak them to him in a caring way is key to having a healthy relationship that sustains the ups and downs of life.

Let us know how it goes, and feel free to let me know if there is anything else you’d like to discuss in order to better prepare.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amanda,

So glad to hear that our messages are helping! You deserve to be validated, heard, and supported. And I just wan to say that your attitude around all of this shows immense strength and emotional maturity. You are growing, changing, and healing, which is a beautiful thing to witness. Kudos to you!

It takes a strong person to be able to see the gifts from the hard lessons and you are doing just that. You are standing up for yourself in your life, and that is only going to bring you the biggest and best rewards. I don’t really know you yet, but I am already proud of you!

I do want to address where you said that trusting him and letting him in made you feel stupid and doubt yourself. I want to point out that there doesn’t need to be any doubt there because in all reality, you knew. You knew but you decided to take a chance, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You held out hope, and that’s a beautiful thing. You experienced something sweet and enjoyable for the time that it lasted, and so please don’t be too hard on yourself.

Of course still loving him hurts, and he not being able to be in that place of love with you is devastating. And you are showing immense fortitude to be able to continue to be his friend and care for him, not pressure him or give ultimatums of he is going to get the gift of your time. But I do want you to look at that, and determine if it’s worth it to you, and if it’s taking a toll on you that you’d rather not pay.
Does it make you feel better or worse when you connect? Are you holding out hope that he’s going to eventually turn around if you wait long enough? I just never like to see strong and powerful women such as yourself stuck in the waiting game. Life is short and you deserve to have someone who chooses you just as much as you choose them. I can tell that you’re a real catch, and I really want to see that for you.

So my other question is…what’s next?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Myo,

How are you? I’ve been following your story as well and I just want to say congrats on all of the wonderful work that you’ve been doing! It takes someone who is very together and emotionally mature to be able to be in the kind of situation that you were in, and come out so clear on the other side.

You upheld your boundaries when you didn’t want to stay in the same room with him on the proposed trip. You have been kind and generous with your time and your emotions, holding space for him to feel safe with you to express himself vulnerably as well. You didn’t take things personally when he backed away, and now you are moving forward gracefully with hope and precision. Very admirable!

It looks like Heidi gave you many great resources and I’m glad that they were helpful to you. It totally makes sense that if you have trauma that you would take time to get to know someone and not trust right off the bat. To be fair, i don’t think that there’s anything wrong with that. As a matter of fact, I think that being discerning with your time and energy is a good thing, and I think I had mentioned that this most recent person who was pushing you to go so fast actually brought up a red flag for me. Of course if you feel like you’re holding yourself back in a scared and unhealthy way that’s something to look at, but there’s also a lot of merit to being clear in what you want, and not jumping into something just because it feels good in the moment, or because someone else wants you to.

I guess I’m just wondering if this idea that you’re “overly cautious” and not trusting enough is truly coming from a rational place inside of you, or if it’s something that you’ve been told by men who want you to change. Just something to think about…

So online dating! You are talking my language! I used to teach classes in how to online date successfully and one thing I’ve always said that I like about online dating is that it gives you a chance to “pre-qualify” someone, without getting all messed up by the in person dynamic. What I mean is that often when you meet someone in person, you are only going based on the way they look, or how they feel to you. While these are important things, they are far from THE most important things. But those really imperative pieces are not things you often get to until you’ve known someone for awhile. With online dating, it’s very different. You can find out a lot about someone and choose to go out with them knowing if they have the same goals and common interests, instead of just thinking they are cute and hoping for the best.
But I agree that it can get overwhelming fast!

So here is something to speak to that. First off, don’t feel like you have to message anyone back that you don’t want to. You might know that, but I hear that as a common issue among women who are dating online.

Also, I like that you are moving quickly to video and then to meeting, without a whole bunch of texting in between. That kind of daily texting routine that people fall into with strangers is a just a bih time suck, and sets up false ideas of who the person is, as well as the level of intimacy in the relationship. I can’t tell you how many people have told me how disappointed they were after meeting someone that they texted with non stop for 3 weeks, and then couldn’t connect in person.

And a big YES to being intentional! Do you have your list of non-negotiables? Be clear and specific about what you want. Read between the lines of people’s profiles and messages. If you’re not a hell yes, move on. As you’ve mentioned, there are many fish in the sea, and you can always catch another. Or as I liked to say, “Men are like buses, another one will arrive in 10 minutes” 🙂

Good luck and keep on keeping on with your powerful self!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jamie,

I’m glad to hear that what I said helped! It does sound like you do have something with potential with this man, and it would be a shame to just walk away without at least speaking your truth. I’m glad that you have the courage to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want. After all, you never know if you can get what you want if you don’t ask for it, right?

So with any sensitive conversation, it’s always important to take responsibility for your own feelings, and to allow the other person the space to have theirs. Let’s go through each of these ideas in more detail.

Taking responsibility for your own feelings:
This is as simple as the concept that no one makes you feel anything. So when you communicate, talk about what you’re feeling. Talk about your needs and wants in relationships. Talk about your love language and what makes you feel cared for and invested in relationships. You are not saying, “this is what you have to do”, you are saying, “this is what I need”. Then it’s up to him to determine if he can give you what you need, or if he can’t.
The same way as if he was to come to you and say, “I am only able see you one day per week”, or something like that. Then it would be up to you to determine if that works for you. So once you both know and express your wants and needs in the relationship, then it’s up to the two of you to see if you can reach a compromise that you both feel good about.

So my question for you in this is: do you know what your wants and needs are in the relationship? Getting clear on those is going to be key for this discussion to yield the results you want.

Allow the other person the space to have their own emotions: This goes hand in hand with the above mentioned concept, but is just slightly different. It’s about being objective, and realizing that what the other person is feeling is not necessarily based on how they feel about you. It’s about having compassion for where they are, and not taking everything personally. He may genuinely enjoy being with you, but may feel incredibly overwhelmed by the idea of having the connection with you explored in the way that you want. That doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that your desires are wrong, but it could mean that he’s just not available and able. But please don’t let the fear of this stop you from speaking your truth. Just be aware.

I do think that you have a chance as from what you’ve mentioned before, it sounds like he is at least somewhat in tune with his emotions, and willing to have these intimate conversations.

So I’d say get clear in what you want, and then speak about what you need and want.

Let me know if you feel stuck in any of this and I’m happy to help further!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Amanda,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. It’s so confusing and heartbreaking when you are in a situation where everything could be so wonderful if…but unfortunately it’s those ifs that really can make or break a situation.

What I’m seeing here is that you just want someone else to affirm what you already know, and have known from the beginning.

We knew we should wait until they had full separated
I knew better
I should have walked away and given him time

Yes, yes, and yes. This is all true. But when someone is in a vulnerable position, like your friend seperating, they need that allure of a potential new relationship to pull them through to the other side. That’s why so many people will get involved in new relationships when they know that it’s the worst thing for them, because they don’t want to feel rejected, sad, and alone, which is what one usually feels at the end of a relationship.

Then when things start to change, as they do, they then realize that they must take time for themsleves and to do some recon from their past relationship, and they pull back from the new relationship which was acting as a placeholder or rather therapeutic experience to help get them through the night.
Unfortunately, none of this is shocking, but it really does suck and I’m sorry.

You ask if he has feelings for you, and while I don’t know for sure, I’d be surprised if he doesn’t. It sounds like you have a good connection together and you are there for each other in a multitude of ways. But is he in a place right now where he can be a partner to you? I think you know the answer.

It all comes down to what you want to do from here. Might he come around at some point and say that he’s ready to be with you? Could be. Will you have to wait patiently for that to happen? Highly likely.

Do you want to wait? Only you can answer that…

You also sounds very confused as to your own desires.
You said: I don’t want a relationship right now because I feel I still have work to do

That being said, why are you so focused on this potential sticky situation?

Looking forward to learning more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jamie,

Thanks for reaching out and for updating us on what’s happening. As I may have mentioned before, there are people that genuinely may like and care about you and do want to be in a relationship with you, however they are not clear in themselves about their own boundaries, and what they are able to offer.

Sounds like that is what is happening here. He thinks he is showing you that he’s interested and wants to be with you, but it’s not enough to keep you interested and feeling invested. And it doesn’t have to be! You get to decide what you want in a relationship and if what you’re getting isn’t satisfying, it’s your right as well as obligation to yourself to be open about that.

So many things that you mentioned above would not be enough for me either. He doesn’t make the effort and he wants it all on his terms. Sure the excuse is that he’s just busy and it’s not a reflection of how he feels about you, but the reality is that no matter what the reason is, he still is not providing you with what you need, want, and deserve in a relationship.

Have you heard of love languages? One of them is quality time, and it sounds like that is one that is very important to you. I understand as I feel the same. If I am going to be with someone, I expect that they are going to respect my time and want to spend theirs with me as that’s in my mind how a depth of relationship is built. If I don’t get to spend time with someone, I won’t be able to get to know them as deeply as I want, hence I won’t feel called to be that intimate with them. The worst feeling for me is to miss someone, so it’s super important to me that the person I’m with has the time to spend.

Your last line was: i’m not sure if i’ll ever get to spend decent time with him.

That’s definitely a valid concern and one that you have to look deeply at.
Are you ok with this? it doesn’t sound like you are…

So what can you do about it? The way I see it, there are only a few ways that you could go in this situation.

1. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Spell out your wants and needs in the relationship and see how they align with his, and what he’s willing and able to offer. It might be that he is ok with the time as it is, but he may also feel the lack of time is hurting the relationship.

I understand that you’re afraid that he’s going to say that he can’t or won’t change his behaviour and that feels like a rejection to you. But you need to realize that it’s not about you if he says that. He may just not have the capacity to make those changes.
At this point, what do you have to lose? Because the other option as opposed to talking with him and seeing if you can come to some kind of compromise that works for both of you is…

2. Leave the relationship. Say it’s not working, it’s not going to work, and move on.

I would recommend having a discussion with him. No matter what happens, at least being willing to stand up for yourself and speak to what you need in a relationship will not only bolster your confidence, but can help you with relationships in the future if this one doesn’t play out as planned.

Clear communication is always a step in the right direction and should bring you some clarity either way.

Let us know how you decide to proceed, and if we can give you any more advice on what exactly to say, do let us know!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Angelique,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out to tell us more about your story! It sounds like you’re in a very painful situation and I’m so sorry to hear what’s happening. It’s so difficult when your partner is in distress, and it feels debilitating to not be able to help them pull out of it.

Before we go too in depth though trying to understand what’s going on with your boyfriend, can you share some more details regarding your relationship?

You say that you’ve been together for 10 months. How did you meet? Do you live together? What else can you share about your lives separately and together? Has your boyfriend recently gone through something traumatic or stressful? Is there anything that happened that you think could have caused this sudden turn of events?

Please share more so we can determine how best to help you navigate through these tough circumstances.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Power Mama!

How are you? How are things going? Were you able to get a chance to have some specific time with the hubby? I know that it can be really difficult when having to do all the things that making time for play while dealing with the intricacies of life can get pushed really far down the list of priorities.
But I hope that you’ve been able to carve some time out!

If not, maybe you can make it a really specific event. It may sound cliche, but setting a date night with your significant other can sometimes be the only way to really get that sacred alone time to reconnect and replenish.

And it sounds like hubby is down for it, which is excellent! From what you’ve shared, he’s an in tune kind of dude who wants to get deep into the heart of things, so I’m rooting for you to make that time soon (if you haven’t already) to explore those depths that you both are capable of traversing together, and take the plunge!

Sounds pretty juicy, doesn’t it? 😉

Hanging on an update!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Nicole,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It IS so confusing when someone says one thing and does another, and it’s almost always an indication that they themselves are confused as well.

To be honest, I applaud him for being upfront in the beginning and saying that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I strongly believe that it’s very important to take time in between relationships to heal, grow, and change so you don’t make the same mistakes in the next relationship as you made in the past one.
That being said, I also know that life and love is very nuanced, and there are many shades of gray in the love spectrum. So please know that I am not saying that your relationship can’t or won’t work. It just might take some time, and some patience.

But before we get into that, I have a few clarifying questions.
What was his past relationship like? Do you know? Do you know why he was so hurt? Or what he was so hurt by? Do you know what he feels like he needs to heal from? Does he? Is he doing any self-reflection and/or personal development to work through his past relationship?

Tell me more about the dynamics of your relationship as well. How does he treat you? What do you like about him?

The more we know, the more helpful we can be 🙂
xoxo
Spyce

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