[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jamie,

I’m sorry to hear that this situation is triggering you and I totally understand how you are feeling! Often when we are triggered, we want to just run away from the situation that is causing us to feel that way. While I support you 100% in doing what is best for you, I do want you to be clear in what that is, and not be making decisions from a place of pain, hurt, and fear. I also don’t want you to keep trying to make something work just because you’re concerned about what your friends will say, or because you are afraid to be alone and single again.
I want you to feel empowered and confident in your choices moving forward.

I do want you to know that I’m positive that you can find a compatible relationship that works for you and that you’ll thrive in. You’ve shown that you know your boundaries and can state them clearly. With this knowledge you can enter into a relationship that much more clearly and proactively, instead of just letting it happen to you. I know that this man pursued you and so you jumped into the relationship on his terms. And now you have kept on “giving in” in order to stay with him. You’re not happy with it, and you’ve told him that. He’s been clear with you that he doesn’t see his behaviour changing anytime soon, so now you have to do what’s going to make you happy and satisfied.

I support you in whatever that is. If you feel clear that leaving this relationship is best for you at this time, I am here for that.

Let me know what else you may want to think through on this, and what else we need to do so that you are feeling crystal clear on your next steps.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes! I’m so glad to hear you say this! Certainly this last year has been wonky and especially difficult in the dating world. With everything being virtual, it didn’t seem like an outlandish idea that love could blossom online, and despite location differences could turn into something real. But in all honesty, long distance relationships have issues inherent in their setup, and you’ve been experiencing some of them just within the initial phase of gauging attraction and interest. While this was one of the best options it made sense to keep it on the table, but now, with people being vaccinated and things opening up, it’s a better idea (and I’m sure will be more fruitful) to start looking into who is in your general vicinity and take it from there.

If you have a true connection with this person and the attraction is real, it will not only withstand the distance, but will enhance and deepen in time. As you mentioned, this also takes the pressure off of the connection, and will give you the space to really get to know him as true friend, which is how you really want to know him anyway.

So yes, stay in touch, but keep your eyes and heart open for more readily available opportunities that I’m sure are going to start falling into your lap!

Let us know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

The mind IS very powerful, that’s for sure! And we can create things happening in our lives with our thoughts. However, I do think that oftentimes there are already clues inherent in how we are doing things and in the actions that we are taking.

For example, someone meets someone and has a gut reaction where they know that this person isn’t right for them for a myriad of reasons, but they ignore those internal messages and they forge ahead anyway, thinking, “this time will be different”. Then when it’s not different, they call it a self fulfilling prophecy, when in reality, they knew all along that the course of action they were taking wasn’t the correct one, but they decided to do it anyway.

I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about per se, but I’ve seen many people do just that and then act surprised when something turned out exactly the way they thought that it would. They are not creating that situation with their mind, because all of the hints that this is how things would go were already present, but you (the universal you) wanted to pretend that it wasn’t. And so, cest la vie!

We are in process to get to the next steps of being able to work together privately, so you should hear from me shortly outside of here with next steps.

In the meantime, keep checking back in here!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Ok, sounds good! How are you feeling about this idea? Is there anything that’s coming up that you feel might get in the way? I know that you mentioned feeling shy and like you are not sure exactly what words to use, so I want to make sure that you feel resourced in all of this.

Any other ways that I can help in the process?

[Coach Spyce]

So by self fulfilling prophecy do you mean that you knew that something would happen a certain way and you created it happening? Or do you mean that because you went again your gut and did the thing that you kne you shouldn’t do, then the thing that you figured would happen if you didn’t trust yourself that thing happened? I think that’s just life and its lessons. The more you live, the more you start to listen to that gut, and the more that you make decisions that are healthy, instead of going against your better judgement and instincts. that’s called wisdom, which most of us are not born with. We can be born with many other positive qualities, but wisdom tends to come with time. Not that it always does, there are still a bunch of old idiots out there, but hopefully some of us learn from our mistakes and figure out how to do things better with time, and usually a bunch of pain and heartache!

Thanks for asking to work with me privately, that sounds fun! I do agree that we seem to be on the same page with a lot of things, and I definitely can relate to a lot of what you’re feeling and have gone through. I feel like I’ve come out of the other side of some of that, and would love to be a support to you as you navigate. We match too in that I used to do a lot of sex coaching, which sounds like something of major importance to you.
There is a process to our getting connected personally that I will get you more information on after the weekend.

In the meantime, I’d love to know more about whatever you feel comfortable posting about!

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jamie,

Kudos to you for putting yourself out there and having that honest and vulnerable conversation! I’m sure it wasn’t an easy discussion to have, but you were brave and stepped out of your comfort zone to get answers. You also spoke about your wants and needs in a healthy and clear way, and whether or not you stay with this man, there’s a lot to celebrate in that alone!

I’m sorry that you didn’t get the answer that you were hoping for, but at least he was honest and realistic about his availability, and what he can and can’t give. There’s a definite value in that level of self awareness. He didn’t make promises that he know that he can’t keep, and that’s admirable. He is telling you point blank that while he really does care for you, what that means to him is different than what that means to you. His needs in relationships are not the same as yours, so he can feel close and connected without the things that you need to feel that level of commitment. He’s not wrong and neither are you.

Now it’s up to you to decide how you want to move forward, and I can see how that could be confusing. I understand that you really like him and want to stay connected with him, so if you think that maybe you can be happy with things as they are, that’s one avenue to explore. The danger in that though is that you will likely always be hoping that things will change, and then it becomes about you and your worth. Like if we get close enough, if he loves me enough, he will change his behaviour. It sets up a dynamic where you have to compromise what makes you happy in order to be with him, and you will always be trying to do more in order to win his love. I’m not sure if you want that.

So it is a matter of deciding what you want to deal with, and what you don’t. As you’re not happy with the current situation, you need to really examine that, because he’s now been clear that the current situation is not going to much change for the foreseeable future.

The only question I have is you said: He said he would want to make it work

So what does that mean? What is he willing to do to make it work? A relationship often takes compromise, on both sides. In the current scenario as is, you are the only one compromising. Is he willing to make any changes to at least get closer to you having what you want? He said yes to the occasional date, is that what he’s referring to? And is that enough?

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship. If not, why be in it? I do truly believe that you can have happiness with someone who is compatible and will love you immensely, but you have to be willing to step into that, and not accept anything that’s less than that. This conundrum is not perfect, and it’s less than what you want. Why are you afraid to let it go?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Oh yes girl, I feel you! I am also a very blunt person and I am typically a fan of just putting it all out there and letting the chips fall where they may. That has worked AND it’s also gotten me into trouble!
But I know that it can be so difficult to be patient when you just want to know.
So you could put it out there, but it might be awkward after if he doesn’t share the same feelings, and you do want to have him in your life as a friend or colleague.

I have to say though, not that I think he’s not interested, but I do think that when a man is wanting to make that vibe happen with you, he will make it known. And it may not be that he doesn’t think you’re fine as hell, but there could be a very good reason why he’s not putting that out there. Past relationships, feeling overwhelmed, fear of rejection. There could be many reasons that don’t necessarily have anything to do with you.

The other thing I’m thinking is that there could be a lack of interest based on the distance. Many men don’t have motivation to pursue things that aren’t right in front of their faces.

So unless you want to just throw it out there and see what he says, I recommend the getting to know you thing. That way you can find out if there is some reason that he’s not open to a relationship, before asking him to be in one with you. This doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out thing either. A few questions could give you quite a lot of info.
You mentioned that you saw a video he did on dating. Is he in the dating world? You could ask him a question (asking for a friend, lol) as if you’re needing advice, and then see what he says.
Like for example: Do you think most men will let a woman know when they are interested, or do you think that most men want the woman to let them know first?

Something like that which doesn’t exactly tell him that you want to know this about him, but are just getting his opinion in general, as a man. Make sense?

Let me know how it goes!

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhiannon,

Glad you looked into attachment theory! It is an eye opener to discover how we create these deeply held patterns. I definitely got the sense from what you were saying that you were someone who had to take care of herself a lot, so I’m not surprised to hear more your childhood. Even though it makes us stronger, it’s still tough though, and I’m sorry that your parents weren’t there for you, and that you had to turn to sexuality to get that care. Sounds like that plays into your ability to be vulnerable with someone because the sex and the affection is all mixed up. being that you’re a sexual person, and a very independent person by nurture, I can see why you felt like running away after being sexually vulnerable with him. It does sound emotionally terrifying.

When I said that he’s not actively pulling away, I was thinking about more classic avoidant behaviour. Like how some men will get very close and then disappear because of the closeness, kinda like how maybe sometimes you’ve done (as expressed above). This man is disappearing because of a very clear reason, not just avoidant behaviour. As we’ve talked about, he’s rather open with his pain, more so than you yourself might be or are used to. And that’s part of what makes it confusing and what can keep you sucked in. Because it does appear like he cares, but he is just really going through it right now. That’s confirmed now that you have told him about what you’re dealing with, and he didn’t really make much of an effort to connect.

So yes, I agree that as much as you enjoy him and under better circumstances he might be a really great connection, unfortunately at this point you can’t expect that he can be a real partner, or someone that you can build anything significant with.

To speak to your lessons…
1. He sounds like he’s truthful for the most part. Too truthful maybe, or whatever he’s not telling you he doesn’t feel like you need to know, and that’s ok. You still don’t know each other that well and he’s laid many cards out on the table.
2. Yes please! This is a big one! It’s clear that there’s so much happening that has nothing to do with you. It really is a case of really bad timing.
3. Tell me more about this. I am a firm believer in this too, and I want to know more about how this has played out for you in the past.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I’m glad that you feel comfortable with me! It means that I am doing something right!

It is so difficult when you are all intents and purposes a couple and the person you are with is acting like you are, but they won’t say it. It’s a power play, that really comes from a place of fear. There could be many reasons that he is fearful, but it is obvious that is the case with him.
As mentioned, that’s why he doesn’t have real relationships.

So I think the way to get deeper and build a better connection with him would be to address that fear. Give him the space to explore that fear, give him an opportunity to be vulnerable with you. You’ve already said that he feels pretty comfortable to be honest with you, so use that to your advantage. Ask him questions about how he really feels.

The issue sometimes is that women give up all of their power to the man. We are taught that we are the emotional ones, not the men. But men are human, which means that they have so many emotions as well. But they are often not given the opportunity to express them. So when a man feels like he can let his guard down and be open with you, it brings him that much closer to you, and then you start developing the emotional connection.

I know that it can be hard to know what to say, but don’t worry, I’m not telling you to say much. Better to just ask him some questions, and do your best to get him to do the talking. Provide a safe space where he can express his feelings. That’s what he feels like he has with these women, but it’s not really that at all. It only feels safe to him because he knows that he can cut off the connection at anytime. But with you being there, it’s harder for him to feel safe, because it’s more real, and therefore more of a risk. So it just means that you have to take the time and give him the space to feel safe with you.

Hope this helps!

[Coach Spyce]

Aw thank you! I’m so glad that you feel seen and understood by our conversations! I get that you are a special woman, and you are someone who likes to help people see the light in the world. It sounds like you really see people’s potentials, even if they cant see them themselves, and like to encourage them to live up to it.
That’s really admirable and beautiful, AND it can be a slippery slope. I know, because I am the same way!

We all fall in love with that potential, that life that you could have with someone if only…how good things could be if only…how incredibly happy and healthy they themselves would be, if only…

But the problem is that the if only is only something that the person with the potential can accomplish. You can keep on trying to be that inspiration that throws them over the edge, but then you are putting so much pressure on yourself, and it’s not fair to you. Then you have to be the one that changes, because the other person won’t. Do you see what I’m saying?

You can’t dim your light for him, that’s one thing. He’s afraid, that’s another thing. That’s why he keeps all those long distance relationships. He is afraid of the intimacy a daily relationship will bring.

So if you want him to move forward with that, you have to address all that. You have to speak honestly to him about the things that you see. His fears, his issues with intimacy. And you have to school him, because as we’ve mentioned, he doesn’t have a lot of IRL (in real life) experience. You have to show him how you want to be treated.

I know you said that you don’t want to ask too much because you don’t want him to stop talking with you, but it’s not a matter of being jealous about the other women. It’s about that you are an amazing creature, standing in front of him in the flesh, and if he’s not going to make the effort to be with you, and instead focus on these not real relationships, then why are you wasting your time?

This is not something that you have to say to him, but this is something that you need to know inside of yourself, You need to know that you can walk away at anytime, and he is the one who will lose out, not you.

In terms of building a new model, how would you want that to look? If you’re not willing to give him the ultimatum of her or me, what are some things that you really want to have here that you’re not getting?

[Coach Spyce]

Do you know about Attachment Theory? If not, I would totally recommend that you look into that. Here is an decnet article and good place to start:

https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

You sound like a secure/anxious like me, and you respond in that classic way that we all do when an avoidant pops up. They activate that anxious side, that’s usually hidden behind the secure. Aas long as we are in control, we are fine. But when someone comes along that we really like, they give us everything that we want and rarely get, and when they run off somewhere and become difficult to contact, that anxiety and fear kicks in that we aren’t worthy, and that we will never be able to have this thing that we’ve always wanted, and that they are the only key to that.

I can see how the style of how things have gone down could certainly affect how you are feeling in the relationship, and how it’s triggering, especially of early abandonment issues, which I have too.
Were you the oldest or in charge? More responsible than them? There are so many ways that this feeling can be triggered in childhood, and then haunt us for many years to come.

To be clear, I’m not saying that this man is an avoidant (I don’t think anyone is fully one thing anyway), because he sounds like he has some anxious tendencies as well, and that his life is a bit of a mess that he might like some help with, something a classic avoidant wouldn’t be interested in. As you said, he’s not trying to hide who he is, and I’m sure that’s comforting in some ways, and helps you to feel closer. At least he’s not actively pulling away, although I think because of how intense his life is, he’s not really reaching out either in any kind of meaningful way that could build the kind of relationship that you both want to have. That’s the issue. As mentioned, I don’t think it’s for lack of interest.

I commend you for gravitating towards the idea to just focus on being friends at this point, and to see where things go. In terms of being friends, what does that mean to you? And what does just being friends mean?
Do you plan to have boundaries around how often you contact him? How often you see each other? If you are being sexual or not? As you mentioned, you’ve got a high sex drive and great chemistry with each other, so cutting that out might be a difficult proposition.

For me, the jury is still out when it comes to next steps until we hear how he responds to you letting him know about your accident. Have you done that yet? If he’s really the man who you think he might be, then perhaps he will step up to the plate. I’m really hoping that he does!

And maybe from there the two of you can determine what’s next. It sounds like you are deeply interested in this man, and I support you in seeing where it goes for now.

Keep me posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Yes girl, as another coach on here, I agree with what Heidi says! The reason why you hear the same thing over and over is because that really is the best answer! You can’t love anyone else if you can’t love yourself, and that’s at the crux of any healthy relationship.

We would love to hear more about what you’re going through if you’d like to share. If so, please start your own thread as it makes it easier to navigate.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

I totally get you as you sound a lot like me. Because of this attitude I tend to have the upper hand in relationships and when I don’t, it freaks me out too!

I’m wondering what you like about this guy…besides the obvious. Because it sounds like he comes with a boatload of drama too. Are you ok with that? Is he really who you think he is? I know your first thought was that he was this hot and successful guy, but now that you know a bit more, has your idea of him changed at all? He doesn’t necessarily sound like he has all the pieces that you originally thought he did, so I’m just wondering if you really feel still so called to move deeper, and if so, why?
I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t do anything either way, that’s for you to decide, but I’m just pointing this out while we are still here at the juncture where you could pull out.

If you’re all about honesty and being chill, I’d use your natural approach to reconnect. Just say something like, “Hey, how are you? I haven’t been in touch because I got into a bad motorcycle accident”. That should be enough to re-engage him. And if he doesn’t respond, then to me that’s a very clear indication that he has absolutely nothing to give, and you need to think long and hard about the questions I posed above.

In terms of the exclusivity thing, sure. Doesn’t sound like he has time or energy to be on apps all day trying to hook someone else in. You guys have a good thing, he feels comfortable with you. Knowing that you have something all set can be a relief when you have so much going on. So I’m sure he would have been fine with one less thing that he had to worry about.

But it’s more about whether or not he has time and energy to even engage with someone like you who is laid back and patient. That my dear, is the real question here…I don’t think its a matter of interest, but more a matter of bandwidth and ability.

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Ok well good to know that he’s single, but there can be so much more that comes into play. As I listed out in all the scenarios above, someone being single doesn’t mean that they are available, interested, or emotionally ready for a relationship. And some people put their heart on hold a long time for various reasons. I never want to see people waiting around for someone to notice them, nor do I like to see kick-ass women barking up the wrong tree, so my questioning is always along the lines of what is he available for?

The answer to that can be gotten through the investigative “friend” work, which I like to call “Spyce’s Rule of Casz” aka casual. It can be super tricky to be transparent with a crush about how you feel, and especially when it’s a colleague, or someone that you want to keep in your life regardless. I mean sure, you could just be bold and say, “hey, I like you, what’s the deal?” but unless you don’t care at all about the answer, i wouldn’t go that route. Instead I recommend the casual approach, where you just do treat him like a friend, and ask him more about his life. Get to know the true and real him, instead of the online persona. Because in reality, if you don’t really know him, your crush might be just that. A fascination built on nothing but smoke and mirrors, which is easy to do online. if you approach him casually, as a friend, there is no need for him to play any games or put up any boundaries with you. He can be himself and feel comfortable with you. And that, my drar, is the basis of a lansting and healthy relationship.

We get sooooo many women who write to us where they are in a romantic relationship and they are trying to figure out how to get the man to want to commit, and be with them for long term. What you have that they don’t is an opportunity to get to know someone without the pressure of romance. And when you have that true connection with someone based on caring and deep friendship that can blossom into love, it makes the commitment when it comes, that much more real.

So that’s what I’d say. Marry what I’ve said above with social media marketing techniques and you can’t go wrong.

How does that sound?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

Ok well good to know that he’s single, but there can be so much more that comes into play. As I listed out in all the scenarios above, someone being single doesn’t mean that they are available, interested, or emotionally ready for a relationship. And some people put their heart on hold a long time for various reasons. I never want to see people waiting around for someone to notice them, nor do I like to see kick-ass women barking up the wrong tree, so my questioning is always along the lines of what is he available for?

The answer to that can be gotten through the investigative “friend” work, which I like to call “Spyce’s Rule of Casz” aka casual. It can be super tricky to be transparent with a crush about how you feel, and especially when it’s a colleague, or someone that you want to keep in your life regardless. I mean sure, you could just be bold and say, “hey, I like you, what’s the deal?” but unless you don’t care at all about the answer, i wouldn’t go that route. Instead I recommend the casual approach, where you just do treat him like a friend, and ask him more about his life. Get to know the true and real him, instead of the online persona. Because in reality, if you don’t really know him, your crush might be just that. A fascination built on nothing but smoke and mirrors, which is easy to do online. if you approach him casually, as a friend, there is no need for him to play any games or put up any boundaries with you. He can be himself and feel comfortable with you. And that, my drar, is the basis of a lansting and healthy relationship.

We get sooooo many women who write to us where they are in a romantic relationship and they are trying to figure out how to get the man to want to commit, and be with them for long term. What you have that they don’t is an opportunity to get to know someone without the pressure of romance. And when you have that true connection with someone based on caring and deep friendship that can blossom into love, it makes the commitment when it comes, that much more real.

So that’s what I’d say. Marry what I’ve said above with social media marketing techniques and you can’t go wrong.

How does that sound?

xoxo
Spyce

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