[Coach Spyce]

Hi there,

First off, I want to applaud you for doing what felt good to you, and taking care of yourself in this situation. You have really been a bad ass throughout this whole situation with being clear about your wants and needs, and expressing them.
The fact is, you’ve told him from the beginning what you needed in order to be in the relationship, and the hard truth is that he wasn’t able to be in the relationship in the way that you needed. It’s ok, no one has to be wrong, but it does mean that you’re incompatible for dating.

The way things are between the two of you, one of you would have to change in order to be together, and that person has been you. When you asked him to change, he said he couldn’t do it. You gave him the opportunity, and sad as it was, he couldn’t. So now you both have to move on.

Which is what you are doing, but now he can’t handle it, which is on him. There’s no behaviour that you need to change because A) you’ve been he one compromising this whole time, and B) you are no longer together. So he can get upset all he wants about your weekend plans but it’s actually none of his business. And if he wants to be your friend, he needs to understand that. Maybe you can’t be friends and that’s ok.

I understand your frustration because you have tried so hard, and made changes and compromises to accommodate him all this time. I would say that there’s no reason to not be transparent with him now about what you feel. The last paragraph here is what I would tell him.
At this point, what do you have to lose?

Keep us posted!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Dana,

Thanks for messaging us here on the forum and sending in your question! It’s often the case that men are just as confused as women are, if not more! But the way society is set up, men are put into the position of having all of the answers, and setting the tone for the relationship. This doesn’t have to be the case.

I’m wondering what else you know about him as that information will give us clues to why is he behaving the way he does.

Where did you meet him and in what capacity? Was it specifically made clear that you are looking for a relationship or did yo meet him through more of a hook up?

Did he recently get out of something? What is his dating life been like?

You say that you’re “hanging out”, which also doesn’t seem to have the clarity of you looking for anything serious. If that wasn’t made explicitly clear, 5 weeks is a very short time to want someone to commit to you for anything real, and I can understand him not being “there yet”.
He could be into getting to know you, but still in the process of doing so, which is ok.

And once again, it all depends on the intentions and availability of all involved.

Does that make sense to you?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Ipsita,

How are you, lady? It sounds like things are difficult right now, and so you are not wanting to make any changes, which I can understand. However the thing to point out is that this is life. It’s full of difficulties and challenges, and part of what makes a healthy and sustainable relationship is being with someone who you want to weather the storm with. Being with them makes things easier. You are their person and they are yours. That’s love right there.

The issue here is that this is not the case. You are not necessarily his person, as he has someone else in that role. You are having to take a back seat and be in second place, even though he is in first place for you. None of this is fair for you.

I know that you don’t want to to address this now because he’s in a rough spot, but life is full of rough spots, and do you really want to keep waiting around for him to be in a better place?

You’re not happy and you deserve to be. You’re worrying way too much about his happiness and denying your own. You need to start thinking about doing what’s right for you.

Thoughts?
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Stephanie,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for reaching out! I know that it’s not easy to talk about mental health stuff so I commend you for your honest and vulnerability in bringing it here, and sharing your struggles with us in the forum.

It’s also admirable that you’ve been able to be candid with this person that you like, and you told him how you were feeling about him. Was that difficult for you?

The only thing I’m wondering though is that if you are ready for another relationship so quickly. You were in a long term relationship that as you say, had a lot of problems associated with it. Can you share more about what those issues were?
It can be really vital to take time after a breakup to do some healing, so that way you don’t bring the same issues into your new relationship.
I know that’s not what you were asking, but just giving my two cents there before moving on to your question.

In terms of deepening things with your friend, it sounds like this might be a long haul kind of situation, where you must proceed with caution and a lot of care. It always concerns me when someone says that they aren’t available/ready for a relationship, and the other party wants to pursue things anyway. Because he has some mental health issues that are directly tied into his relationship life, it feels like you would be taking on the role of therapist before you could ever get to the role of girlfriend. This is a slippery slope…

So before we go too deep into how to do that, I just want to confirm with you what you are really wanting, and what you are really ready and resourced for yourself.

Let’s delve deeper into that!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Ps: I’m sorry if this is hard to hear, but it doesn’t serve either one of us for me to just tell you what you want to hear. I know the call of passion is an alluring one, and I don’t begrudge you wanting to run towards that call. But I don’t want you to waste time running towards a false call, a dead end, or any place where you’re not being fully respected and adored.

You are magical. You are mystical. You are an incredibly deep being with so much to give, and so much to receive. I want that for you, deeply. And my goal is to support you in having, like I said above, everything that I know that you deserve, and more than you’ve ever dreamed of 🙂

With love,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Kristina,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! Congratulations on working through all of the obstacles and coming together in a relationship that sounds like it’s working well. That’s wonderful!

What are you scared of? It can be difficult to trust that someone is going to be there for us when we’ve never really had that before, and it can feel treacherous to stand on the edge of that looking down into the unknown. But you also don’t want to let your fear sabotage you! Feel the fear and do it anyway is one of my favorite mottos!

In terms of things being tense, that’s a natural part of life, and the way that the person reacts when times are a little rough speaks a lot about them as a person. As you’ve said, he is older than you, and hopefully he’s learned a thing or two about how to be in the world and communicate well. Heidi, our other coach, is fond of saying how beneficial it is to see people at their worst. And I say just seeing them during bad times is a great way to get to know the truth of someone. You want to be with someone where you feel like as long as you are together, you can get through anything. That’s a relationship that lasts.

It also sounds like you’ve had a slow burn, which can also be a good thing. I’m wondering though about the situation with his friendship with your ex, and if you all are in touch. I’m curious how that went down. I’m also curious what you like about him. Tell me some of the things he does that you really enjoy!

Look forward to learning more,
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tara,

You definitely are not alone in your feelings of loss in the situation with your ex-spouse. I had a partner who transitioned, and although it was years after we were together and we were no longer that close, it was still difficult to not miss parts of the person they had been before. I can also understand how it could make you feel personally unworthy as a woman, and as a wife. I’m glad that you were eventually able to realize that it was not about you at all, and totally a deep part of their path in this world. It’s really lovely that you can be dear friends, and still retain that closeness. Losing a best friend on top of a partner is devastating, and I once again admire the fortitude and grace that you went through that situation with.
Of course it is still painful, and I can imagine that there is still trauma to be healed from that. It’s obviously still playing out in your life now, as we will talk about more below.
Would you like to share more about what you’re doing to work through those emotions, and if you have support in that arena?

So on to Brian…well here’s the thing. My idea of twin flames are not the rosy, “we are one” ideal as it is for you. I won’t go too deeply into explaining the way I see it again, but at its core, it’s not something that is a lifelong missing and coming together. It is a lesson to be learned, and often in the most brutal of ways. So you can see my proclamation as a sign of confirmation that he is the one, but I have to say that I feel you are twisting around the meaning I put out there in order to suit your narrative.

How honest can I be with you? Are you someone who wants a coach to tell it like it is, or will that make you run and hide? I want to be sensitive to your needs and communication style, and as I’ve mentioned to you, knowing that you’re a strong and spiritual person makes me want to approach you cautiously. I know that you are only going to do what you feel is right, and while that is technically a good thing, it also means that you may not be as open to feedback as some, or interested in putting stock in an outside perspective. That being said, I’m having a hard time determining how forthright to be with you.

I haven’t said much yet about what I see as the failings of your relationship with Brian, and with the man himself, but I certainly have alluded to some of it. If you like, I can say more, but I can tell that’s not what you want to hear. Because even the things that I do say you seem to brush off and just go back to the synchronicities that make this so incredibly fated, instead of even entertaining the glaringly red hot flags burning all over this situation, and this man’s behaviour.

So all I will say for now is that you are a goddess who deserves to be with a man that fully chooses you. If you are needing to manipulate and play games in order get him to recognize you as his true divine, how to take his attention away from a whole host of other women who he is likely similarly spinning tales with, how can you really believe that he’s your true divine? How can you think that’s highest vibration that you can achieve?

You’ve asked what your next step is, and what I see as your next step is going back within and asking yourself…what do I deserve? What do I want from a relationship? What do I want from life? How can I really work on my own healing so that I know so deeply who I am and love that person so effectively, that I will never be begging for a man’s attention. What can I do to truly find the man that matches me?

Because the man that does will not run away. Chasing after a grown man is one of the most exhausting tasks that you can take on, and that does not have to be your destiny. But you have to believe in your worth if you are going to attract a man to you that can and will gladly, give you everything you deserve, and truly be your divine counterpart.

You are still in mourning, you are still healing. You are still reaching out to a broken person to help you heal and I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s going to yield the results you want. You need to know that you deserve so much more than what you’re getting, and not be willing to settle for anything less.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Rhonda,

I just wanted to pop back in and say hi! I know we chatted a but when we first came on the forum, but it’s been awhile and I haven’t had a chance to get to know you more. So hi!

Sounds like you have a lot going on and you do a lot of traveling. You seem to be a strong and independent woman who is no stranger to asking for what she wants. I tend to believe that’s the best way to get it, so I’m wondering how that’s working for you?

In terms of dating, sounds like there are many options, but nothing panning out. Do you have any idea why not? What do you think is getting in the wat of you finding your life’s partner?
Can you catch me up to speed a bit on your relationship history?

I’d love to know more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tara,

Same! I also read tarot and am quite an intuitive and spiritual person. I’m not surprised then to learn that you know all about twin flames, and possibly even more than I do. Because what I know about twin flames, is that this person is often in our lives to teach us lessons that we need to learn about ourselves and our journey, but not necessarily to be an everyday partner. The energy of that inflammatory connection is not built to last, nor often able to be sustained in a healthy situation. The kind of energy burns you, eats you up inside, causes you to let down your guard, destroys your boundaries, your self esteem, and everything that you knew to be true about yourself. Yes as a fire does it can also burn bright when fed, but it has to be constantly fed, and the sustenance that it requires can be your entire soul and well being.

I understand how seductive this energy can be, and how vital it can feel when someone is willing to jump into that realm with you, but you have to be able to recognize the deepest truth about the other person, and not just get carried away by the intense energy that this kind of situation provokes.

Sometimes, as spiritual people, we are simply mirroring what we want to see onto someone else, and the strength of who we are causes us to see someone else as someone they are not, because we are just that powerful. I have a feeling you are that powerful, and your vibrations could be enough to create an incredible facade projected onto an interesting, but incredibly broken man.

It’s likely not what you want to hear, but I see so many red flags in this situation and how this man is operating in the world that it takes everything inside me to not scream at you to run as if you’re in the path of an oncoming train. But I am clear about who you are, and I don’t think that will help right now. You need to recognize the truth of who he is on your own, and I want to help support you right now in making the best decision for you. I really don’t think that if I did tell you to run that you would at all, and I have been there too. It took me awhile to run, even though so many things were obvious from the beginning.

And I respect you, and your sovereignty, and as strong women, we need to make our choices based on what we ourselves feel, not on what someone else tells us.

That being said, I am very much looking forward to hearing more and supporting you through this process.

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tara,

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing so many personal details! It really helps to understand more about you and where you are coming from. When we get new members, we often don’t know if they are 18, 38, or 68, so having some kind of barometer of experience is always helpful.

I’m not going to mince words here, you sound like an incredible woman! To have so much grace within your partner’s transition is really admirable, and shows a well of strength and compassion that is not the norm. So many people would take something like that very personally, and would be making it all about themselves, and what they did wrong, or how they weren’t enough. The way that you talk about it brings tears to my eyes. To say that your former husband is now like a cherished sister is such a beautiful and rich sentiment, and the profound love is so clear and tender. I so respect you for how dignified you appear in this process. I’m sure that your ex-partner is so grateful for the kind manner that you handled their transition.
It is really beautiful.

I also get that you are spiritual and intuitive, and I relate as that’s an integral part of my makeup as well. It absolutely has its strengths, but it can have its drawbacks. Sometimes as deep and spiritual people who see life with deeper meaning, we can inflate meaning into situations where there isn’t as much as we’d like, or we can attach significance to people based on something that while it may feel intense, may also not be a healthy reaction.

Have you ever heard of the concept of twin flames? That can often be an extremely passionate connection that feels so vital and vibrant, but in reality is something that can burn you up if you get too close, and is only meant to be in our lives for a short time, to teach us something about ourselves and put us farther along our paths. When that happens in a romantic relationship, it can cause us to give up many of our previous boundaries in order to be engulfed in the flames. This can be extremely alluring, but also very dangerous. I’m curious about the possibilities of this happening here…

The reason I say that, is because there are few things right off the bat that scream to me of this kind of connection. You mentioned that you don’t typically give out your number, but with him you did right away. You moved fast, and you both went against your normal patterns in relationship because the connection was so strong and immediate. This kind of urgency is always a red flag. Because no matter how connected you feel to someone you just met, you just met them, and you really don’t know them. So many of the feelings that you are getting in the situation are based on fantasy, projection, and an idea of who someone is, based on what you’re feeling.
One of the first things you said was that you both got triggered, which is not surprising. When a connection is so immediately intense, just that initial spark itself is based on a trigger. it’s based on something in your past, whether it be from this life or another. But what it’s not based on, is present time reality, because there’s not enough of that yet to go on. Do you see what I’m saying?

You are a really special person, I can feel that. You deserve a really special connection. I know that you say that you haven’t felt something like this before, but I don’t think that means that it’s specifically related to this other person. I think that depth of emotion and connection is inside of you, and given the chance, it could come out in many different incarnations. I say this because I just don’t want you to strive for something that seems destined to lead to heartache.

That’s a lot for now, and I don’t want to overwhelm so I’ll save more for our next message. I just want you to know that I see you, and I believe in you having something really amazing, because you are an amazing person. I just want you to be specific in what that is and how that happens. You deserve to be someone’s number one choice, not to be fighting with a bunch of other women over a man. If he was that amazing, women wouldn’t be fighting over him, he would be with the one who was just as incredible as he was.

Think about that, and let me know what this message has inspired in you.

Waiting with anticipation,
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Donna,

Glad to hear that the conversations went well! It can be so tempting for us to come up with all of the worst case scenarios in our heads, and to write people off before we even get started. It’s natural, as no one wants to be hurt, and if you sense something coming that feels similar to how you’ve been hurt in the past, the brain wants to run for cover! I’m glad that you were able to be courageous and ask for what you want and need.

Also, to not take his silence too personally. As it was apparent to me, and it sounds like is the case, he’s just trying to juggle many things, but he really does want to make you one of the bowling pins that are part of his juggling act!

In terms of being “that girl”, what exactly are you afraid of? What does that mean to you? If being that girl means that you are someone who speaks their needs and wants clearly and concisely, while also taking into account the feelings and needs of the other person, then I am all for it! Too often as women we are afraid of asking for what we need as we don’t want to push the other person away, but from what I’ve seen, strong men who are capable of a healthy relationship and are worthy of our time, prefer a woman who will speak their mind and doesn’t keep them guessing. Because that really is more stressful for a man than someone who is just clear with her desires.

it doesn’t have to be an agressive thing, when you do what I mentioned above, and while expressing your desires, also keep in mind what the other person is going through. For example, saying something like: “I know that we both want to be connected, and I know that you have a lot going on, so I’d like to take some of the burden off your shoulders by planning our next time together so we don’t have to. Here are three dates to choose from. Let me know which works best for you and I can start making the necessary arrangements so we can get things rolling!”

For most of us, it’s the waiting around part that’s the hardest, and when our brains start playing games with us, like you mentioned. It’s incredibly fair to solidify things so that way you have something to work towards. I even do that with friends. When we spend time together, before we leave we always decide when our next time together will be. When I’ve dated someone who is not super available this was very helpful. This way I wasn’t waiting around for them to contact me, and I wasn’t concerned with how long it took. As long as i knew that we had a future plan, even if it was weeks away, it didn’t bother me if I didn’t hear from them too much during the weeks apart. So maybe try to employ this style with your new beau?

Let me know what you think!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Donna,

Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story in our forum! I totally feel you on the “we’re not kids, why is this still so hard” thing. It IS disappointing that people (not only men) can’t just be open and straightforward with their wants and needs. Butto be fair, I dont think it’s as simple as all that. It can take a lot of soul searching and personal reflection to even know what we want and need in life, and then we have all of our childhood wounding, often unrecognized triggers, and years of habitual actions that get in the way of us living the best life that we could. So sadly enough, sometimes it can be tougher for people the older we get. As we all know, changing a lifelong habit can be really difficult, and when that’s all wrapped up in the emotional body, well it can take awhile before one even knows that they are doing it!

The reason I’m saying all of this, is because it seems to me that that’s a lot of what’s going on here. It’s a case of “Daily Life Stress-itis”, or basically when the real world comes crashing down on the magical experience that you’ve had and is doing it’s best to remind you that whatever that amazing thing is that you just encountered, is never going to work because life is too hard/busy, and it’s just not feasible or realistic to try.

You said, I’m wondering if he thinks it is more trouble than it is worth. Sounds like a symptom of “Daily Life Stress-itis”!
If he’s back to the grind, and on top of it is having to care for an ailing parent, he is probably feeling pretty overwhelmed. It sounds like your connection was intoxicating to both of you, and maybe it made him forget his responsibilities for a bit. I doubt that he’s thinking that you’re not worth it, or that the relationship with you isn’t worth it, he might just be doubting his personal bandwidth to keep up with the consistent connection that a new relationship takes.

Sometimes an acknowledgment goes a long way. So that’s what I would recommend. Acknowledge how crazy it was that you connected so deeply, and how overwhelming it feels. Acknowledge how intense his life is right now and ask him what he needs. If you are feeling more resourced, ask him how you can help. It doesn’t sound like he’s disinterested, it just sounds like he’s maxxed out. If you can acknowledge that and offer support, you can get a better idea of who he is, how he works, and ultimately that will help you decide if it’s worth it for you! Because that’s a factor here as well. While I’m sure it was amazing to delve into the fantasy life that the two of you could have, the truth is that you don’t actually know him either! So relax and try to be patient.

Get to know him more by asking questions and listening. If he’s emotionally available, that will build a bond. And if he’s not, then you will know more about where you want to put your energy.

Let us know how it goes!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Tara,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! I’m glad that you were able to use some of the techniques to facilitate some deeper conversations with this man, even if you are still searching for answers. You sound like a deep thinking person who doesn’t shy away from the harder conversations, which is an admirable trait to have! With willingness to learn and grow, and if you’re willing to look at yourself objectively (well as objectively as we can as humans!) I’m sure that we can help you navigate through the rocky waters of the relationship world!

You have quite a story, but nothing that we haven’t seen here before! But before we get too much into dissecting it all, him and his motivations, I have a few questions of my own!

You say that he’s “perfect for me”…tell me more about that. How is he perfect? What are the qualities that he embodies that makes him perfect? Is there anything about his life situation that is pleasing and/or inspiring to you? It sounds like you enjoy his “transparency” but as much as he’s being open with you, it’s very likely that there is quite a lot that he’s hiding.

What’s your relationship history? Have you been married? In some serious relationships? How long have you been single?

Then when it comes to your connection, how did that come about? Did you meet online? Thru work or friends? What were the circumstances of your meeting?

Let’s start there. There are quite a few things that give me pause in your story that I’m happy to get into with you, but first it would be great to know a few more key elements of what’s going on here.

Look forward to hearing more!
xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

Hi Jennifer,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like you are very aware of what;s going on here, with him and with your own emotions, and it’s my guess that you may know more about what to do than you may be giving yourself credit for. Of course totally trusting our instincts can be difficult, especially when it’s telling us something that we don’t necessarily want to hear, so I’m so glad that you reached out to us for support.
We are here and happy to give you some 🙂

It does sound like this man who you are connecting with has some serious baggage. My main question around that is threefold. First off, how aware of his emotions is he, and then how willing is he to look objectively at what he’s doing and from there, how committed is he to working on making changes?

As i’m sure you know, you can’t change anyone who is not on that path themselves, and playing the waiting game typically is a losing battle that’s a waste of precious time. So I’d really look at that with this guy before you put too much effort in.

You mentioned needing more self love in your life, and once again, I’d say trust your instincts on that one. You are the only one who really knows what that looks like, and can determine how you’re feeling. What do you think that you need more of? What can you do to create more self love in your life?

There are many red flags with how you got into this relationship (anyone saying from the beginning that they don’t want a relationship is a big one) and how it’s been going that we can address, but I’d like to start with what I’ve asked above as we dive in.

Does that sound reasonable to you?

xoxo
Spyce

[Coach Spyce]

It’s interesting that you say that he mesmerized you and that you weren’t really interested at first. To me, that statement is a bit of a red flag, or at least something to look at.

What is it about him that makes you like him so much more than other men? Is it something about him, or is it more about how you feel when you are with him?
If it’s the latter, then what’s going on is in you, and doesn’t really have much to do with him. It could be based on physical attraction, or things that he says that stir up something in you. Or, does he remind you of someone? When have you felt like this before? That question can be a key to determining where this is all coming from.

Here’s the thing, you are truly the one in control here, but once you started being interested in him, it seems like you have forgotten how much power you have in the situation. You are doing well in taking back your power with the little things you are doing, like holding back and waiting for him to make the moves, and the general stepping back.
Keep doing that as it will help you to build that confidence that you want to have.

You also have to keep reminding yourself that you don’t need him. You may want him, but you don’t need him. And I still want to know why you want him…what is it that is so great about him? Knowing that whatever he is evoking in you is something that you hold the key to and not him, will be very helpful in keeping you in your power in this situation, and not giving it all up to him.

Does that make sense?

xoxo
Spyce

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